Comments | carl_allery: Good news and bad news

carl_allery

Good news and bad news

Apr 16, 2014 19:00

The good news is that we're off down to the British Legion home next week on Tuesday to have a look around and for them to do a pre-admission assessment on Father. If all goes well we should have have him sorted in the next few weeks ( Read more... )

Comments 15

mevennen April 16 2014, 18:20:20 UTC

It is grim but I agree about DNR discussions: it saves an awful lot of angst in an already horrible situation when it comes to it. Very best of luck with getting your dad sorted out. And we would still love to drag you out for a drink at some point - evening teaching has once more bollocksed up my social life but Fri and w/ends are OK.

carl_allery April 16 2014, 19:05:30 UTC

I shall be very glad to be dragged out for a drink when this is all over. :)

heleninwales April 16 2014, 18:28:56 UTC

It is such a roller-coaster dealing with elderly parents, isn't it? :(

At 94, with increasing dementia, death due to a failing heart may be a mercy. I hope, however, that a move to the home with professional nursing care will ensure that whatever time he has left is spent happily and comfortably. Had your Dad expressed any wishes regarding DNR? My Dad (almost 93) is very clear that he's ready to go at any time and does not wish for any sort of treatment to prolong his life.

carl_allery April 16 2014, 18:59:35 UTC

No, we'd never discussed DNR or similar. Nor, in fact their funeral wishes. I think both of them were happily ignoring the possibility of ever dying. Fortunately my mother was obsessed enough with keeping the taxman's hands off their money that she had the wills sorted out. My understanding is that DNR is for a patient to request or in some cases for the medical staff to recommend, in which case they may or may not discuss with family. So it's purely a case of mentioning that if the GP were to feel that at this stage (94,advanced Alzheimer's (stage 5), pacemaker, atrial fibrillation) a DNR may be appropriate, that we as family would have no objections. At this stage, there's not much of a life to resuscitate him back to ( ... )

mevennen April 16 2014, 19:24:18 UTC

Charlie, I had to decide on DNR or not for my late partner, because he was in a coma and unlikely to emerge, which he didn't. Apparently one can make the decision for someone - C had always been adamant that he did not want resuscitation, hence my decision, but it wasn't written down anywhere: they took my word for it.

heleninwales April 17 2014, 10:29:47 UTC

In fact they do seem to want the permission from next of kin. My elderly uncle was resuscitated, despite having made it clear that he did not want that to happen, because the home couldn't contact my cousin in time. He then lingered for another couple of weeks.

I don't know how you make these things stick. We went to a lot of trouble to get Lasting Power of Attorney so we could act on Dad's behalf, but it seems to be more or less useless in practice.

Thread 6

ann_leckie April 16 2014, 20:16:59 UTC

I'm glad to hear about the British Legion Home! And sorry to hear about the heart trouble.

Even when the situation is seemingly clear-cut, decisions surrounding a DNR are difficult. Suddenly things that made sense--when you were writing it up or when someone was telling you in no uncertain terms what they wanted--are swamps of uncertainty. What if you choose wrong? It's literally life and death. That was my experience, anyway.

Ninety four--and hopefully more--is a good long run, and given his current situation, and absent any previous instruction from him, I would imagine the best and wisest thing to do would be to make him as comfortable and cared for as possible in the time left to him. But it's pretty near impossible to say that with any kind of certainty or detachment when it's your dad you're talking about. And even when you know absolutely that it's the right call, damn it, he's your dad.

Here's hoping that he gets settled comfortably into the home, and has a fair time left.

carl_allery April 17 2014, 08:15:53 UTC

Ninety four--and hopefully more--is a good long run, and given his current situation, and absent any previous instruction from him, I would imagine the best and wisest thing to do would be to make him as comfortable and cared for as possible in the time left to him.

All of this. I guess, given his level of fitness, I always assumed he'd just keel over one day rather than getting gradually sick. I know it's what he and my mother wanted. She would certainly be happy with the way she went out, albeit a bit sooner than she hoped for. Which is perhaps an indication of his wishes after all.

amysisson April 16 2014, 20:29:44 UTC

Sending you positive thoughts. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Your father is lucky to have you.

carl_allery April 17 2014, 08:17:54 UTC

Thanks. It is, unfortunately, a common experience nowadays. While it could be better, I can also think of ways in which it could be much worse. :)

kate_schaefer April 17 2014, 04:54:13 UTC

What a hard set of things to go through. I'm so sorry that your dad never got around to having that end of life conversation with you ( ... )

carl_allery April 17 2014, 10:34:22 UTC

Yes, I have a memory of my mother saying, many years ago, that she wouldn't want us to have to look after them and we should just put them in a home. Mind you I suspect that was before she had any concept that she might not be able to look after herself and fuelled by the knowledge that one sister had nursed her mother at home. My parents always valued independence. In later years she was appalled by the thought of going into a home, but the only alternative in her mind was staying at home. I wish I'd found out earlier about the care available from the company we're now using as I think she would have been happy to accept it ( ... )