[one-shot] These Words are My Own, from My Heart Flow
Title: These Words are My Own, from My Heart Flow
Type: One-shot
Word count: 3,210
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Koyama/Shige
Summary: There were some things Koyama had never been able to say. Written for haruka21 for je_holiday, originally posted here. The title is taken from the lyrics to Natasha Bedingfield’s These Words. Thanks to sanjihan for helping me figure things out ;)
There were some things Koyama had never been able to say.
The words would come to him in a rush, with no warning, making him feel like something was crushing his chest until his breath became short and raspy. But no matter how awful he felt inside he couldn’t bring himself to say them, those words that held enormous power to make or break a relationship - his relationship with Shige, to be more specific.
***
A few years ago he and Shige went on a short winter trip together, just the two of them. What started as a fun activity of snowboarding quickly degenerated into a rowdy, no-holds-barred snowball fight. Shige was known for his quick thinking instead of his quick hand, so it was not much of a surprise that he became an easy target. When Koyama’s deft aim caused yet another ball of snow to hit him right smack in the face, Shige threw up his hands and yelled that it was enough.
Koyama walked up to him with a laugh, mocking Shige’s poor reflexes, but when he saw that his friend was holding both hands up to his face and moaning in complaint, his concern shot up and he instinctively helped Shige brush off the snow from his face. Koyama was afraid he had hurt Shige somehow, but it turned out Shige had only got some snow in his eyes. After removing the last bit of snowflake from Shige’s face, Koyama took a good look at him to make sure there was no harm done.
Shige’s cheeks were flushed from the cold, bits of snow still sticking between his long lashes. He pouted his lips and Koyama noticed they were cherry red, full and shapely and - a little jolt ran through Koyama’s body as the word came to him - luscious. Then those lips parted a little to let out white puffs of breath and they became not only luscious but also very much kissable. Koyama gulped.
He must have stood there staring like an idiot because Shige snapped at him and complained that his face was freezing. Mumbling a quick apology, Koyama rubbed his hands on Shige’s cheeks to make him warmer. Soon the scowl on Shige’s face faded; he was never able to be angry at Koyama for long anyway.
Koyama still had his hands cupping Shige’s face, and he would only need to lean forward slightly to capture those tempting lips with his own, just a tiny move... but Shige was pulling away from him, turning around and grabbing his snowboard. He was laughing and saying something about racing him down the hill, but Koyama couldn’t hear him clearly because his head was still ringing with the words that appeared so suddenly and refused to leave.
/I want to kiss you./
The thing with these thoughts was that they were too dangerous to say out loud, especially to the very person who inspired them: his best friend, the last person in the world about whom he expected to have these ideas. But every little thing about Shige seemed to stir up something within Koyama, awakening delicate senses and inflaming hidden desires. He tried telling himself that this was probably part of growing up, of figuring out who you were and how you relate to the people around you. He was just a little mixed up, that’s all. Soon enough he’d be able to differentiate between friendly love and romantic love, and these ambiguous feelings would vanish all by themselves. Right?
Except that they didn’t. As juniors and then as part of NEWS, he and Shige spent the bulk of their time at Johnny’s together, in places like studios and concert halls, hotel rooms and communal baths. Koyama thought he was already used to seeing a bit more of Shige’s skin than was normal, but every time they hit the showers after a show he would find his eyes surreptitiously seeking Shige.
There Shige was now, just a few steps away, switching on the showerhead above him as he removed his towel. The other members were there too, not any less naked than Shige was, but Koyama barely noticed them as he struggled and failed not to dart his gaze in Shige’s direction every few minutes. At first Shige’s back was facing Koyama, giving him a generous view of his rear, and then he suddenly turned around and started soaping his front. A sharp, almost painful sensation shot through Koyama’s body right down to his groin and though he made himself look away and even close his eyes, the sight of Shige’s wholly exposed body, lithe and damp and silken with soap, played itself in the back of his mind.
The vision stayed with him as he went home and lay down on his bed, and only then did he let his imagination run wild, dreaming of touching that smooth skin and doing unspeakable things to Shige that stimulated him and clawed at his conscience at the same time. When he woke up the next morning with Shige’s name on his lips and his own hand sticky inside his boxers, Koyama thought he was in deep shit, very deep shit.
/I want to do things to you until you tremble and moan and grow limp in my arms./
He was temporarily distracted from this predicament when NEWS was suspended, making his world tilt a bit on its axis. But, being the eternal optimist that he was, Koyama refused to let the circumstances deter him for long. He compensated for the reduced work hours by pouring himself into his studies and helping his mother at the ramen shop. It was a while before he noticed the change had affected his best friend more greatly.
He and Shige met each other regularly, mostly just to talk and take comfort in each other’s company. Shige was great at covering up his troubles, saying he had been busy with schoolwork as well, but after much wheedling he finally opened up and admitted how he had been worrying himself sick about the suspension, how he was afraid the group might never get back together again, how he had failed to pass a string of drama auditions. His head hanging, he told Koyama how worthless he felt without NEWS.
The confession hit Koyama with a barrage of emotion, something akin to horror and even verging on anger at his friend. How could Shige possibly think that? It was ludicrous, unsubstantiated, not to mention stupid. Shige looked rather taken aback, and Koyama realized he was thinking out loud. Perhaps it was Shige’s crestfallen expression, or maybe Koyama’s own worries and need of a reassurance, which made him throw his arms around Shige.
He held onto his friend as tight as he could, chastising him for having those irrational thoughts and repeatedly declaring that Shige was one of the most talented people he knew and if anyone couldn’t see that, it was obviously their loss. Shige didn’t say much, just hugged him back and whispered a muffled word of thanks against his shoulder, voice cracking a little. That was when Koyama understood that whatever it was he had for Shige, it was more than just lust. It also included a nearly unbearable urge to keep Shige in his arms like this, so close until it felt they were one person, and protect him from any possible harm.
/I want to stay like this forever./
The group did get back together (Shige only smiled at Koyama’s I-told-you-so and an affectionate nudge of his elbow). They went on tours again, released singles and albums, performed on TV shows. Slowly Koyama began to notice how Shige had changed through the years. It seemed the hiatus had had a profound effect on him, forcing him to look within himself to find confidence and a real direction in life. He became less shy and started to talk more, even to the point of becoming Koyama’s partner in leading MCs. It was with surprise that Koyama looked at Shige one day and realized how he had transformed like a butterfly: colorful, radiant and self-assured.
But despite being happy for Shige and immensely proud at how far he had come, Koyama couldn’t help feeling a pang of sadness at how things were developing lately. All of the members were busy with their own work and it had been a while since they last had a group activity. He and Shige tried to squeeze in some private time together, but it was getting increasingly hard after Shige got himself his first leading role in a drama and Koyama landed a newscaster gig.
Shige, bless him, made the effort to attend Koyama’s birthday party despite his tight filming schedule, so Koyama felt incredibly guilty when two months later he found out he couldn’t go to Shige’s. He called him up and inundated him with apologies, to which Shige merely responded by calmly saying that of course he wasn’t mad, work was work after all. But he was disappointed, it was clear from his drooping, cheerless voice that made Koyama’s chest tighten involuntarily.
There were a million things Koyama wished to say to him, because after all these years his feelings for Shige had not waned; on the contrary, they had only intensified in magnitude. He still had nights when all he could think of was Shige, when he wanted more than anything to simply hear Shige’s voice, but he wouldn’t pick up the phone because he knew he would only be interrupting the other man’s sleep. This hopeless pining was getting him nowhere, but he had no idea what to do with it either. Telling Shige would only bring more problems. Koyama shuddered when he imagined what would happen: Shige would panic and probably even shut him out, something he didn’t think he’d be able to handle. So he kept quiet, saving those thoughts and feelings like precious jewels that he never allowed anyone to see.
/I just want to be close to you./
Koyama’s world became a little brighter when it was announced NEWS would get to have concerts. They were short, but nobody was complaining as it had been ages since they had had one. The cherry on top for Koyama was getting to compose a new duet song with Shige, which meant he was guaranteed more time with the man. He was a little stunned when Shige suggested the theme “iitai dake” - just wanted to say it. Had he been reading Koyama’s mind or something? But it turned out that his idea was using random phrases and puns in the lyrics. Koyama thought it was a great concept, witty and smart but silly at the same time.
It felt rather ironic, however, to be sitting together with Shige figuring out random things to say when the foremost thought on Koyama’s mind was how nice Shige smelled today or how soft his features looked from this angle. When Shige was concentrating, he would chew the edge of his bottom lip endearingly before bending his head over the table to write, bangs falling over his eyes. At one point Koyama let his guard down and, without thinking, raised a hand to brush a strand of hair aside and tuck it behind Shige’s ear.
Shige looked up at him with bewildered eyes and they stared at each other, Koyama feeling like he should say something but his mind was blank, and then Shige’s face just sort of clouded over and he bent down again to write. The moment passed - if Koyama was ever sure of anything he was sure that there had been a moment - but he didn’t know what to make of it.
When the Osaka concerts approached, their manager announced that since they had a bit of extra budget this time, each member could stay in single rooms at the hotel instead of rooming in pairs like in previous tours. Unless, of course, they preferred to have a roommate, the manager added with a not-so-subtle glance at Koyama and Shige, whom he probably thought were joined at the hip already. Koyama wasn’t sure Shige wanted to room together, but when he turned to the latter he realized he was already half hoping Shige thought so. Where was the fun in tours if they weren’t staying in the same room, talking into the small hours of the morning and filming pointless skits for the DVD documentary? But Shige just shrugged and said single rooms were fine, and Koyama’s heart sank in his stomach and he couldn’t look at Shige for the rest of the day.
They checked into the hotel the day before the first show, and Koyama never expected to feel this lonely in a single room. It was rather pathetic, he thought wryly, as he unpacked, changed his clothes, brushed his teeth, and then curled up in bed, all alone. He didn’t usually sleep so early but he had nothing else to do, so he was already snoozing lightly when a rapid knock on his door brought him back to his senses. He lurched to the door and opened it to find Shige.
The younger man was standing there in a shirt and sweatpants, hugging himself like he was cold. Stammering, he told Koyama he was coming down with a sudden fever and forgot to bring medicine. Koyama led him inside immediately, not even asking why he didn’t go to the manager’s room instead as the man didn’t haul around a suitcase full of medicine during every tour for nothing. Shige sat down on the bed while Koyama got him some pills and a glass of water.
After drinking the medicine he glanced at Koyama and, stuttering some more, asked if he could stay there for a while since he didn’t feel like being alone right now. Koyama’s pulse quickened and he readily assented, fluffing the pillows for Shige and making him lie down under the covers. Then he realized it was his bed Shige was lying on and it might be taken the wrong way, so he hastily said he’d sleep on the floor.
But Shige shook his head and muttered, almost inaudibly, that he didn’t want Koyama to be too far. By then Koyama’s heart was threatening to jump out of his ribcage, but he did as Shige asked and stretched himself on the bed beside him. He waited until Shige fell asleep before closing his eyes himself. He might have let a few words slip from his mouth as he fell into a doze, but he was feeling too warm and blissful to care.
/I’ve missed you./
They must’ve slept for a few hours at least, and when Koyama stirred he noticed a shadow looming over him - Shige, sitting up on the bed and hugging his knees. Koyama sat up as well and felt Shige’s forehead. His temperature had somewhat fallen but his cheeks were still tinted pink and his eyes had this weird glazed look to them. Then he suddenly mumbled, “I have to tell you about this. Right now, or I’ll never be able to say it.”
He looked so serious Koyama was suddenly afraid. “Tell me about what?”
Shige’s breathing was labored, and he clutched his knees tighter. “Spain.”
“Spain?”
“The Sagrada Familia. In Barcelona.”
Koyama narrowed his eyes in confusion. “You... want to tell me about a church?”
Shige nodded absently, still not looking directly at Koyama. “I was standing there looking at this magnificent structure that’s been under construction for more than a hundred years, and I was just so amazed by the perseverance and devotion that must be required- that is still required to make the whole project come true. And there I was, staring at those towers and all I could think of was you. Because if there’s one thing that’s constant and enduring in my life, it’s you.” He shook his head. “But it’s all so wrong.”
It felt to Koyama as if the room temperature suddenly dropped. “Having me in your life is wrong...?” he croaked.
Only then did Shige meet Koyama’s eyes, his expression stained with horror. “No, no, not like that. It’s just... I’ve been thinking a lot about you and I can’t seem to control it. I would picture you in my head and have all these thoughts, of being with you, touching you and kissing you, and-” The faint blush on his cheeks turned into varying shades of crimson and his hands flew to cover his face. “Oh God, I’m going to hell.”
Blood was rushing in Koyama’s ears and he was afraid it was affecting his hearing because what Shige just said felt like it was straight out of one of his dreams. He touched Shige’s shoulder, needing to make sure. “Shige, look at me.”
“No,” Shige whimpered. “You hate me and I get it, but I just can’t look at you right now.”
“Shige, please.”
The imploring note in Koyama’s voice seemed to weaken him, and he offered little resistance as Koyama pried his fingers open and held his face in his hands. Koyama gazed into Shige’s eyes and found in them something he had been searching for; maybe it had always been there, only he was too blinded by his own concerns to see it.
He leaned closer until their lips were only a hair’s breadth apart but Shige flinched and put a hand on Koyama’s chest, stopping him. “You’ll catch my fever,” he said, voice no louder than a sigh.
Koyama smiled. “I don’t mind.”
No kiss he had ever fantasized about could compare to this, the slow exploration, the gentle assault. Shige’s lips were slightly chapped but still unimaginably soft, and Koyama found his way inside his mouth, marveling at how delightful this felt. There was some pushing and shoving, hands delving into each other’s territories, until Shige was lying on his back with Koyama on top of him.
They finally broke the kiss and Shige said breathlessly, ”I’ve been waiting for this for so long and now I’m too sick to enjoy it.”
Chuckling, Koyama slid over to lie beside Shige and pressed his face against the curve between Shige’s neck and shoulder. “We’ll have plenty of time to do a lot more.”
That night before they fell asleep in each other’s arms Koyama put his mouth next to Shige’s ear and whispered the precious words he had been saving for the man, and this man only. It was a surreal accomplishment, a great source of delight, to finally be able to say them freely to the one person who mattered the most.
/I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you./
***
There were some things Koyama could never stop saying.
The words would come to him in a rush, with no warning, making him feel like his heart was actually big enough to contain all these feelings and then some more. The strength of those words had magnified from being stored up for so many years, but Koyama still liked to repeat them anyway, enjoying how they felt rolling off his tongue and seeing Shige’s face break into a smile on hearing the words. He really could get used to saying them.
Type: One-shot
Word count: 3,210
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Koyama/Shige
Summary: There were some things Koyama had never been able to say. Written for haruka21 for je_holiday, originally posted here. The title is taken from the lyrics to Natasha Bedingfield’s These Words. Thanks to sanjihan for helping me figure things out ;)
There were some things Koyama had never been able to say.
The words would come to him in a rush, with no warning, making him feel like something was crushing his chest until his breath became short and raspy. But no matter how awful he felt inside he couldn’t bring himself to say them, those words that held enormous power to make or break a relationship - his relationship with Shige, to be more specific.
***
A few years ago he and Shige went on a short winter trip together, just the two of them. What started as a fun activity of snowboarding quickly degenerated into a rowdy, no-holds-barred snowball fight. Shige was known for his quick thinking instead of his quick hand, so it was not much of a surprise that he became an easy target. When Koyama’s deft aim caused yet another ball of snow to hit him right smack in the face, Shige threw up his hands and yelled that it was enough.
Koyama walked up to him with a laugh, mocking Shige’s poor reflexes, but when he saw that his friend was holding both hands up to his face and moaning in complaint, his concern shot up and he instinctively helped Shige brush off the snow from his face. Koyama was afraid he had hurt Shige somehow, but it turned out Shige had only got some snow in his eyes. After removing the last bit of snowflake from Shige’s face, Koyama took a good look at him to make sure there was no harm done.
Shige’s cheeks were flushed from the cold, bits of snow still sticking between his long lashes. He pouted his lips and Koyama noticed they were cherry red, full and shapely and - a little jolt ran through Koyama’s body as the word came to him - luscious. Then those lips parted a little to let out white puffs of breath and they became not only luscious but also very much kissable. Koyama gulped.
He must have stood there staring like an idiot because Shige snapped at him and complained that his face was freezing. Mumbling a quick apology, Koyama rubbed his hands on Shige’s cheeks to make him warmer. Soon the scowl on Shige’s face faded; he was never able to be angry at Koyama for long anyway.
Koyama still had his hands cupping Shige’s face, and he would only need to lean forward slightly to capture those tempting lips with his own, just a tiny move... but Shige was pulling away from him, turning around and grabbing his snowboard. He was laughing and saying something about racing him down the hill, but Koyama couldn’t hear him clearly because his head was still ringing with the words that appeared so suddenly and refused to leave.
/I want to kiss you./
The thing with these thoughts was that they were too dangerous to say out loud, especially to the very person who inspired them: his best friend, the last person in the world about whom he expected to have these ideas. But every little thing about Shige seemed to stir up something within Koyama, awakening delicate senses and inflaming hidden desires. He tried telling himself that this was probably part of growing up, of figuring out who you were and how you relate to the people around you. He was just a little mixed up, that’s all. Soon enough he’d be able to differentiate between friendly love and romantic love, and these ambiguous feelings would vanish all by themselves. Right?
Except that they didn’t. As juniors and then as part of NEWS, he and Shige spent the bulk of their time at Johnny’s together, in places like studios and concert halls, hotel rooms and communal baths. Koyama thought he was already used to seeing a bit more of Shige’s skin than was normal, but every time they hit the showers after a show he would find his eyes surreptitiously seeking Shige.
There Shige was now, just a few steps away, switching on the showerhead above him as he removed his towel. The other members were there too, not any less naked than Shige was, but Koyama barely noticed them as he struggled and failed not to dart his gaze in Shige’s direction every few minutes. At first Shige’s back was facing Koyama, giving him a generous view of his rear, and then he suddenly turned around and started soaping his front. A sharp, almost painful sensation shot through Koyama’s body right down to his groin and though he made himself look away and even close his eyes, the sight of Shige’s wholly exposed body, lithe and damp and silken with soap, played itself in the back of his mind.
The vision stayed with him as he went home and lay down on his bed, and only then did he let his imagination run wild, dreaming of touching that smooth skin and doing unspeakable things to Shige that stimulated him and clawed at his conscience at the same time. When he woke up the next morning with Shige’s name on his lips and his own hand sticky inside his boxers, Koyama thought he was in deep shit, very deep shit.
/I want to do things to you until you tremble and moan and grow limp in my arms./
He was temporarily distracted from this predicament when NEWS was suspended, making his world tilt a bit on its axis. But, being the eternal optimist that he was, Koyama refused to let the circumstances deter him for long. He compensated for the reduced work hours by pouring himself into his studies and helping his mother at the ramen shop. It was a while before he noticed the change had affected his best friend more greatly.
He and Shige met each other regularly, mostly just to talk and take comfort in each other’s company. Shige was great at covering up his troubles, saying he had been busy with schoolwork as well, but after much wheedling he finally opened up and admitted how he had been worrying himself sick about the suspension, how he was afraid the group might never get back together again, how he had failed to pass a string of drama auditions. His head hanging, he told Koyama how worthless he felt without NEWS.
The confession hit Koyama with a barrage of emotion, something akin to horror and even verging on anger at his friend. How could Shige possibly think that? It was ludicrous, unsubstantiated, not to mention stupid. Shige looked rather taken aback, and Koyama realized he was thinking out loud. Perhaps it was Shige’s crestfallen expression, or maybe Koyama’s own worries and need of a reassurance, which made him throw his arms around Shige.
He held onto his friend as tight as he could, chastising him for having those irrational thoughts and repeatedly declaring that Shige was one of the most talented people he knew and if anyone couldn’t see that, it was obviously their loss. Shige didn’t say much, just hugged him back and whispered a muffled word of thanks against his shoulder, voice cracking a little. That was when Koyama understood that whatever it was he had for Shige, it was more than just lust. It also included a nearly unbearable urge to keep Shige in his arms like this, so close until it felt they were one person, and protect him from any possible harm.
/I want to stay like this forever./
The group did get back together (Shige only smiled at Koyama’s I-told-you-so and an affectionate nudge of his elbow). They went on tours again, released singles and albums, performed on TV shows. Slowly Koyama began to notice how Shige had changed through the years. It seemed the hiatus had had a profound effect on him, forcing him to look within himself to find confidence and a real direction in life. He became less shy and started to talk more, even to the point of becoming Koyama’s partner in leading MCs. It was with surprise that Koyama looked at Shige one day and realized how he had transformed like a butterfly: colorful, radiant and self-assured.
But despite being happy for Shige and immensely proud at how far he had come, Koyama couldn’t help feeling a pang of sadness at how things were developing lately. All of the members were busy with their own work and it had been a while since they last had a group activity. He and Shige tried to squeeze in some private time together, but it was getting increasingly hard after Shige got himself his first leading role in a drama and Koyama landed a newscaster gig.
Shige, bless him, made the effort to attend Koyama’s birthday party despite his tight filming schedule, so Koyama felt incredibly guilty when two months later he found out he couldn’t go to Shige’s. He called him up and inundated him with apologies, to which Shige merely responded by calmly saying that of course he wasn’t mad, work was work after all. But he was disappointed, it was clear from his drooping, cheerless voice that made Koyama’s chest tighten involuntarily.
There were a million things Koyama wished to say to him, because after all these years his feelings for Shige had not waned; on the contrary, they had only intensified in magnitude. He still had nights when all he could think of was Shige, when he wanted more than anything to simply hear Shige’s voice, but he wouldn’t pick up the phone because he knew he would only be interrupting the other man’s sleep. This hopeless pining was getting him nowhere, but he had no idea what to do with it either. Telling Shige would only bring more problems. Koyama shuddered when he imagined what would happen: Shige would panic and probably even shut him out, something he didn’t think he’d be able to handle. So he kept quiet, saving those thoughts and feelings like precious jewels that he never allowed anyone to see.
/I just want to be close to you./
Koyama’s world became a little brighter when it was announced NEWS would get to have concerts. They were short, but nobody was complaining as it had been ages since they had had one. The cherry on top for Koyama was getting to compose a new duet song with Shige, which meant he was guaranteed more time with the man. He was a little stunned when Shige suggested the theme “iitai dake” - just wanted to say it. Had he been reading Koyama’s mind or something? But it turned out that his idea was using random phrases and puns in the lyrics. Koyama thought it was a great concept, witty and smart but silly at the same time.
It felt rather ironic, however, to be sitting together with Shige figuring out random things to say when the foremost thought on Koyama’s mind was how nice Shige smelled today or how soft his features looked from this angle. When Shige was concentrating, he would chew the edge of his bottom lip endearingly before bending his head over the table to write, bangs falling over his eyes. At one point Koyama let his guard down and, without thinking, raised a hand to brush a strand of hair aside and tuck it behind Shige’s ear.
Shige looked up at him with bewildered eyes and they stared at each other, Koyama feeling like he should say something but his mind was blank, and then Shige’s face just sort of clouded over and he bent down again to write. The moment passed - if Koyama was ever sure of anything he was sure that there had been a moment - but he didn’t know what to make of it.
When the Osaka concerts approached, their manager announced that since they had a bit of extra budget this time, each member could stay in single rooms at the hotel instead of rooming in pairs like in previous tours. Unless, of course, they preferred to have a roommate, the manager added with a not-so-subtle glance at Koyama and Shige, whom he probably thought were joined at the hip already. Koyama wasn’t sure Shige wanted to room together, but when he turned to the latter he realized he was already half hoping Shige thought so. Where was the fun in tours if they weren’t staying in the same room, talking into the small hours of the morning and filming pointless skits for the DVD documentary? But Shige just shrugged and said single rooms were fine, and Koyama’s heart sank in his stomach and he couldn’t look at Shige for the rest of the day.
They checked into the hotel the day before the first show, and Koyama never expected to feel this lonely in a single room. It was rather pathetic, he thought wryly, as he unpacked, changed his clothes, brushed his teeth, and then curled up in bed, all alone. He didn’t usually sleep so early but he had nothing else to do, so he was already snoozing lightly when a rapid knock on his door brought him back to his senses. He lurched to the door and opened it to find Shige.
The younger man was standing there in a shirt and sweatpants, hugging himself like he was cold. Stammering, he told Koyama he was coming down with a sudden fever and forgot to bring medicine. Koyama led him inside immediately, not even asking why he didn’t go to the manager’s room instead as the man didn’t haul around a suitcase full of medicine during every tour for nothing. Shige sat down on the bed while Koyama got him some pills and a glass of water.
After drinking the medicine he glanced at Koyama and, stuttering some more, asked if he could stay there for a while since he didn’t feel like being alone right now. Koyama’s pulse quickened and he readily assented, fluffing the pillows for Shige and making him lie down under the covers. Then he realized it was his bed Shige was lying on and it might be taken the wrong way, so he hastily said he’d sleep on the floor.
But Shige shook his head and muttered, almost inaudibly, that he didn’t want Koyama to be too far. By then Koyama’s heart was threatening to jump out of his ribcage, but he did as Shige asked and stretched himself on the bed beside him. He waited until Shige fell asleep before closing his eyes himself. He might have let a few words slip from his mouth as he fell into a doze, but he was feeling too warm and blissful to care.
/I’ve missed you./
They must’ve slept for a few hours at least, and when Koyama stirred he noticed a shadow looming over him - Shige, sitting up on the bed and hugging his knees. Koyama sat up as well and felt Shige’s forehead. His temperature had somewhat fallen but his cheeks were still tinted pink and his eyes had this weird glazed look to them. Then he suddenly mumbled, “I have to tell you about this. Right now, or I’ll never be able to say it.”
He looked so serious Koyama was suddenly afraid. “Tell me about what?”
Shige’s breathing was labored, and he clutched his knees tighter. “Spain.”
“Spain?”
“The Sagrada Familia. In Barcelona.”
Koyama narrowed his eyes in confusion. “You... want to tell me about a church?”
Shige nodded absently, still not looking directly at Koyama. “I was standing there looking at this magnificent structure that’s been under construction for more than a hundred years, and I was just so amazed by the perseverance and devotion that must be required- that is still required to make the whole project come true. And there I was, staring at those towers and all I could think of was you. Because if there’s one thing that’s constant and enduring in my life, it’s you.” He shook his head. “But it’s all so wrong.”
It felt to Koyama as if the room temperature suddenly dropped. “Having me in your life is wrong...?” he croaked.
Only then did Shige meet Koyama’s eyes, his expression stained with horror. “No, no, not like that. It’s just... I’ve been thinking a lot about you and I can’t seem to control it. I would picture you in my head and have all these thoughts, of being with you, touching you and kissing you, and-” The faint blush on his cheeks turned into varying shades of crimson and his hands flew to cover his face. “Oh God, I’m going to hell.”
Blood was rushing in Koyama’s ears and he was afraid it was affecting his hearing because what Shige just said felt like it was straight out of one of his dreams. He touched Shige’s shoulder, needing to make sure. “Shige, look at me.”
“No,” Shige whimpered. “You hate me and I get it, but I just can’t look at you right now.”
“Shige, please.”
The imploring note in Koyama’s voice seemed to weaken him, and he offered little resistance as Koyama pried his fingers open and held his face in his hands. Koyama gazed into Shige’s eyes and found in them something he had been searching for; maybe it had always been there, only he was too blinded by his own concerns to see it.
He leaned closer until their lips were only a hair’s breadth apart but Shige flinched and put a hand on Koyama’s chest, stopping him. “You’ll catch my fever,” he said, voice no louder than a sigh.
Koyama smiled. “I don’t mind.”
No kiss he had ever fantasized about could compare to this, the slow exploration, the gentle assault. Shige’s lips were slightly chapped but still unimaginably soft, and Koyama found his way inside his mouth, marveling at how delightful this felt. There was some pushing and shoving, hands delving into each other’s territories, until Shige was lying on his back with Koyama on top of him.
They finally broke the kiss and Shige said breathlessly, ”I’ve been waiting for this for so long and now I’m too sick to enjoy it.”
Chuckling, Koyama slid over to lie beside Shige and pressed his face against the curve between Shige’s neck and shoulder. “We’ll have plenty of time to do a lot more.”
That night before they fell asleep in each other’s arms Koyama put his mouth next to Shige’s ear and whispered the precious words he had been saving for the man, and this man only. It was a surreal accomplishment, a great source of delight, to finally be able to say them freely to the one person who mattered the most.
/I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you./
***
There were some things Koyama could never stop saying.
The words would come to him in a rush, with no warning, making him feel like his heart was actually big enough to contain all these feelings and then some more. The strength of those words had magnified from being stored up for so many years, but Koyama still liked to repeat them anyway, enjoying how they felt rolling off his tongue and seeing Shige’s face break into a smile on hearing the words. He really could get used to saying them.