[song fic] Say You Love Me
Title: Say You Love Me
Type: One-shot song fic
Word count: 2,980
Rating: PG
Pairing: Koyama/Shige
Summary: If you'd only say you love me baby, things would really work out fine.
Note: This is my first Koyashige fanfic. My first JE one, even. First posted in koyato. Based on the song "Say You Love Me" by a Philippines acoustic band, MYMP. Listen to and/or download the song here.
[Don't you know that I want to be
More than just your friend]
Koyama didn’t actually know when it started. He would be hard-pressed if he was asked to point out the specific time when he began to have these feelings for Shige. There was of course the usual we’ve-been-best-friends-for-more-than- eight-years answer that they spit out in a thousand magazine interviews. But when did he exactly realize he wanted to be more than just Shige’s friend? Was it when they spent more time after being grouped under KKKity? Or was it during the difficult moments when NEWS was first formed and they had to deal with the lack of togetherness in the group, hence they always clung to each other? Or could it possibly be during the hiatus, when they invented excuses to meet up and spend time together despite having no group activities? Or maybe after NEWS got back together, when it seemed that the bond he had with Shige would never be able to be broken? Koyama couldn’t decide. All he knew was that having Shige next to him was so natural, like breathing, and it was the kind of feeling that no friendship can match. He never felt like this with anyone in his life.
[Holding hands is fine
But I've got better things on my mind]
He did, though, vividly remember one moment when he felt his feelings for Shige was so strong he was going to burst. It was in one of their beach trips, and they were waiting to catch the sunset before going home. When the sun finally dipped down to the horizon and the sky turned a gorgeous mix of yellow, red and purple, Koyama said, “Beautiful, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Shige said quietly, feasting on the view before them. They were standing close when their hands brushed each other, and instinctively their fingers twined. Koyama thought his heart must have skipped a beat when he felt Shige squeezing his hand gently, glancing at him and smiling serenely. Little did the younger man know that all Koyama wanted to do at that moment was to unceremoniously throw him onto the sand and ravish him right then and there.
“Come on, let’s go back,” Shige said, leading Koyama by the hand.
“...okay,” Koyama said in a small voice.
[You know it could happen
If you'd only see me in a different light]
See, Koyama thought he was being painfully obvious. He never treated anyone as kindly as he treated Shige. He might be the mother hen who takes care of everyone in NEWS but he never devoted as much attention to the other members the way he did to Shige. But either Shige chose not to see what was right in front of him or he’s just really dense. It happens with smart people sometimes, Koyama humored himself. They’re so smart in some stuff that they become absolutely dimwitted in other things. But so far Shige had never showed any indication that he sees Koyama as other than a friend. They may joke around about being lovers, that they’ve actually been married for eight years, but that’s just that. A joke. Shige would laugh about it and then go back to what he was doing, much to Koyama’s chagrin.
[But baby when we finally get together
You will see that I was right]
However, there were moments when Koyama thought, maybe, just maybe, he was not alone in his feelings. He would do something wrong and was afraid that it would offend Shige, but he would just shrug it off with a smile and said, “It’s okay. I know you don’t mean it.” There were times when Shige called him up when he’s feeling down or told him something he was happy about, because “I just want to share it with you, Koyama.” When Koyama was sick Shige was always the first to notice, the one who asked him if he was feeling all right, if he needed somebody to take him to the doctor, or if he wanted Shige to buy him some medicine. They often thought about the same thing without realizing it, and then they would glance at each other and blurted out the exact same thing.
“You totally stole my thoughts!” Koyama accused.
Shige laughed. “No, you did!”
Well, you certainly stole my heart, Koyama thought.
“But it’s really awesome, don’t you think?” Shige said.
“What is?”
“You and me.”
Koyama strained his ears, making sure he didn’t hear it wrongly. “What did you say?” he asked nervously.
[Say you love me
You know that it could be nice]
“I said, you and me,” Shige repeated. “It’s so great that we’ve become friends since the beginning, and we’ve always been put in the same unit. A lot of things happened that I thought would’ve broken us apart, but it never did.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “It’s like, you know, fate or something.”
Koyama’s heart was beating so fast he thought it might jump out of his chest. He opened his mouth and closed it again, only to open it again. Shige noticed it and broke into a grin. “What’s the matter with you? You look like a fish.”
“Shige, I...” Koyama hesitated, and then backtracked. “...never mind.” He turned away from Shige, afraid that his feelings were written all over his face.
“Hey, come on, what’s wrong?” Shige put a hand on Koyama’s shoulder. “You know you can tell me anything.”
Koyama slowly turned to face Shige again, and when their eyes met he couldn’t contain himself any longer. The words tumbled out of his mouth like water from a broken dam. “I love you,” he said breathlessly.
Shige’s eyes widened. At first there was surprise there, then confusion, then it was understanding. He smiled and said, “You don’t know how happy that made me, Koyama.”
If Koyama’s heart hadn’t jumped out of his ribcage then, it sure did now. “Re- really?” he murmured.
“Of course,” Shige said. “It means a lot to me, coming from my best friend. Thank you, Koyama.” He stepped forward and pulled Koyama into a hug.
Koyama felt like he was going to cry.
[If you'd only say you love me
And don't treat me like I was ice]
After the disastrous confession, Koyama thought he had lost all hope. He tried with all his might to overcome his emotions, hoping they would slowly go away. They didn’t. They stayed there, under the surface, jumping up once in a while every time he caught a glimpse of Shige’s adorable face, scrunched up in concentration when he was writing his latest essay or his college papers. They would come up for air when Shige called him on the phone, or came to his house, or asked him to go out. They would wave wildly when Shige dabbed a tissue on Koyama’s cheek where a trace of ice cream was left. They would yell at the top of their lungs when Koyama sat and did nothing for hours but watched Shige’s peaceful expression when he was asleep.
And then came one day when they marched to town, banged on every single door and rang all the bells. It had all started with Goseki.
Shige and Koyama were watching TV at Koyama’s place. Or at least Shige was watching, because Koyama was talking on the phone with Goseki. In fact, he had been doing it for the last half an hour. He saw from the corner of his eye that Shige was observing him, and was beginning to flip the channels randomly in irritation. He finally said goodbye to Goseki after settling on a karaoke night the next week. He hung up the phone and turned to Shige. “I thought you were watching that talk show.”
“It was boring,” Shige grunted, continuing to press the remote every two seconds, not even bothering to see what was on in each channel. Then he suddenly stopped, flung the remote to a side table and looked at Koyama. “What up with you and this Goseki fella, anyway?”
This Goseki fella? Koyama raised his eyebrows. “We’ve just been hanging around, you know - eating out, going to karaoke. We’re planning on another one next week.”
“I know, I just heard you.” Koyama thought he saw Shige’s jaw tighten. “I mean... what’s the deal with the two of you? You both seem very close lately.”
“I guess we are... we just talked and we clicked with each other. That’s it.” Koyama stared at Shige searchingly. “Anything wrong with that?”
“Well... I mean, you seem to be spending a whole lot of time with him. What about... what about your karate classes? Or your sign language course?”
“I’m not spending any of my time for karate or sign language class with Goseki-kun! I hang out with him in my free time.”
Shige lifted an eyebrow. “Oh really?” he said. Something in his sarcastic tone annoyed Koyama.
“Yes, really! What’s wrong with spending some fun time with a friend anyway? Just like you. You go out fishing with Ohno-kun too!”
Shige looked like he was caught in a loophole. “But... but I don’t spend hours and hours on the phone with Ohno-kun.”
“Well maybe you should!” Koyama’s voice was rising now.
“I might just do that!” Shige raised his own, glaring at his best friend. “Besides, Ohno-kun is not as clingy as Goseki.”
Koyama must have somehow lost track of the conversation, because how the hell did it change into a comparison between Ohno and Goseki? “He’s not clingy!” Koyama said.
”Oh, so you’re defending him now?”
“I’m not defending him!”
“Well, you’re definitely taking his side!”
“I’m not on anyone’s side!”
“Fine!”
“Fine!”
They were both quiet for a while, fuming silently amid the roar of the spectators at the sumo match on TV. Then Shige got up.
“Where are you going?” asked Koyama.
“Out,” Shige said curtly. “Perhaps Ohno-kun would be a better company right now.”
Koyama stared with his mouth open as Shige grabbed his jacket and left, banging the door on the way.
[Oh please love me
I'll be yours and you'll be mine]
Something changed imperceptibly after that. The next time they met Shige pretended as if nothing happened, so Koyama did the same. But he had an inkling that they both hadn’t forgotten what happened, what was said between them. Koyama tried not to get his hopes up too much, but he couldn’t help thinking that Shige’s odd behavior can only be caused by one thing. Jealousy.
“He’s jealous of Goseki because deep down he likes you. He’s just not ready to admit it,” said the angel on Koyama’s shoulder, who looked suspiciously like Massu.
“Oh, puh-lease!” smirked the devil on his other shoulder, who resembled Tegoshi a little too much. “He’s probably just upset because he thinks you have a new best friend. Stop being so full of yourself!”
Koyama sighed. That’s right, he shouldn’t get too excited over nothing. But he found himself becoming restless when Shige began creating a distance between them. Days went by without him calling Koyama randomly to talk about some meaningless topic. He stopped coming on one of his surprise visits to Koyama’s house. When they met or talked, it was all about work. This attitude of giving him the cold shoulder cut like a knife to Koyama’s heart, but he didn’t know exactly how to react. One day when all the members were in the changing room, he and Shige were sitting next to each other without speaking, without so much as a glance at the other’s direction. Ryo, who was sitting on the sofa across from them, folded his arms together and said, “All right, what’s wrong between you two?”
Shige lifted his head from the magazine he was reading. “What?”
“You’ve been acting all weird this whole week. If it’s a fight between spouses or something, you two better get it over with soon.”
Yamapi, who was next to Ryo, looked back and forth from Koyama to Shige. “It’s right, you know,” he said in his calm way. “It’s like there’s a weird vibe when you two are in the room.”
Koyama shook his head slowly. “No, it’s nothing...”
“Nothing at all,” Shige said, getting up from his seat. “Is Massu done with the shower? I gotta go soon.”
Koyama couldn’t stop himself from asking, “Where are you going?” He felt a little weird not knowing what Shige was doing. He usually knew all about the younger man’s itinerary, and vice versa.
“Out with university friends,” Shige said coolly. That was all he said, but to Koyama it had an underlying meaning of: “I have friends too, you know. You’re not the only one who can go out and have some fun with other people.” He disappeared at the door to the shower room, leaving Koyama staring vacantly into the distance. Yamapi and Ryo exchanged bewildered looks.
[And if you'd only say you love me baby
Things would really work out fine]
The agonizing situation went on for another week. On Friday night Koyama felt so lonely at his house that he decided to take an aimless walk outside. As he was putting on his jacket, he realized it was a gift from Shige. He tried to shake off the thought as he went out and locked the door behind him.
It was a fine autumn night, so Koyama took a casual stroll in the park. The fallen leaves weren’t as nice to look at in the night than in the day, but Koyama didn’t feel like enjoying the view anyway. He came upon a bench and remembered that not so long ago, he and Shige were sitting there talking about their plans for the future, sharing their hopes and expectations. Koyama felt like something had punched him in the face. How in the world did he let this go on for so long? He couldn’t stand it anymore. Whatever misunderstanding there was between him and Shige, he needed to solve it right now. He was just turning around to go and find Shige when he saw the man himself standing before him.
Shige’s hair was a little messier than usual, and there were dark circles under his eyes. He stopped walking when he saw Koyama, putting a distance of a few meters between them. Somehow Koyama realized Shige must have been looking for him. The two gazed at each other wordlessly for a full minute, then Koyama spoke first. “I’m sorry.”
Shige smiled wryly, almost affectionately. “Why do you always have to be the one who says sorry first?”
Koyama bit his lip. “Oh... I... I just... sorry.”
“There goes that ‘sorry’ again,” Shige said with a sigh. “No, I’m the one who’s sorry, Koyama. I’ve been acting like a jerk, and I don’t even know why. It’s just... I’ve been having these... feelings which I can’t understand.”
Koyama caught his breath. Feelings, he said?
Shige gazed upward at the bare trees and took a huge gulp of air. “This may not sound coherent at all, but... I just want you to know I’m sorry. I can’t figure out how else to explain it. I…” he grinned bitterly. “I don’t know what to say, Koyama.”
What exactly possessed him to say it he couldn’t remember, but all Koyama knew was that he opened his mouth and blurted out, “Say you love me.”
Those words seemed to freeze between them. Shige’s expression was unreadable. He opened his mouth but nothing came out. When it was clear that he was struggling hard to find something to say, Koyama realized with horror what he just did. What was I thinking? What right do I have to thrust it upon him like this? It took me so long to comprehend my own feelings, how on earth can I force the same thing to someone else? He shook his head.
“Forget what I said,” he spoke quickly. “I don’t mean to force you or anything. Just... never mind, all right?” He felt tears beginning to rise on his throat, and the last thing he wanted to do right now was to break down in front of Shige. So he swiftly turned around and started walking away.
“Koyama, wait!” he heard Shige calling from behind. He tried to ignore it and kept walking. Then he felt Shige grab his hand, stopping him from leaving.
“I said wait,” Shige said, tightening his grasp. Koyama turned around, and when his eyes met Shige’s he thought he saw something new reflected there. Shige didn’t let go of Koyama’s hand. Instead he brought it to his lips, slowly and methodically caressing Koyama’s fingers, his knuckles, his palm with tender kisses. Then when Koyama thought his heart couldn’t possibly beat any faster, Shige stepped closer and closer until they were only inches away from each other.
“Koyama,” Shige whispered, his warm breath on Koyama’s cheeks.
“Yeah?” was all the other man managed to say.
“I love you too.”
Then the whole world seemed to disappear as their lips met. It was the first time, but it felt as if they’ve been doing this a million times because it felt so right. They matched each other’s rhythm, exploring each other’s territory, Shige tilting his head a little as he nibbled at Koyama’s bottom lip. His fingers ran through Koyama’s silky hair, while Koyama slowly placed one hand on the back of Shige’s neck and another on his waist. The kiss felt never ending, as they pulled back occasionally and then lost themselves again in the mysteries of each other’s lips. Koyama closed his eyes and thought nothing could be as perfect as this.
[And if you'd only say you love me darling
Things would really work out fine.]
“Shige?”
“Hm?”
“You sure look cute when you’re jealous.”
“Shut up.”
Type: One-shot song fic
Word count: 2,980
Rating: PG
Pairing: Koyama/Shige
Summary: If you'd only say you love me baby, things would really work out fine.
Note: This is my first Koyashige fanfic. My first JE one, even. First posted in koyato. Based on the song "Say You Love Me" by a Philippines acoustic band, MYMP. Listen to and/or download the song here.
[Don't you know that I want to be
More than just your friend]
Koyama didn’t actually know when it started. He would be hard-pressed if he was asked to point out the specific time when he began to have these feelings for Shige. There was of course the usual we’ve-been-best-friends-for-more-than- eight-years answer that they spit out in a thousand magazine interviews. But when did he exactly realize he wanted to be more than just Shige’s friend? Was it when they spent more time after being grouped under KKKity? Or was it during the difficult moments when NEWS was first formed and they had to deal with the lack of togetherness in the group, hence they always clung to each other? Or could it possibly be during the hiatus, when they invented excuses to meet up and spend time together despite having no group activities? Or maybe after NEWS got back together, when it seemed that the bond he had with Shige would never be able to be broken? Koyama couldn’t decide. All he knew was that having Shige next to him was so natural, like breathing, and it was the kind of feeling that no friendship can match. He never felt like this with anyone in his life.
[Holding hands is fine
But I've got better things on my mind]
He did, though, vividly remember one moment when he felt his feelings for Shige was so strong he was going to burst. It was in one of their beach trips, and they were waiting to catch the sunset before going home. When the sun finally dipped down to the horizon and the sky turned a gorgeous mix of yellow, red and purple, Koyama said, “Beautiful, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Shige said quietly, feasting on the view before them. They were standing close when their hands brushed each other, and instinctively their fingers twined. Koyama thought his heart must have skipped a beat when he felt Shige squeezing his hand gently, glancing at him and smiling serenely. Little did the younger man know that all Koyama wanted to do at that moment was to unceremoniously throw him onto the sand and ravish him right then and there.
“Come on, let’s go back,” Shige said, leading Koyama by the hand.
“...okay,” Koyama said in a small voice.
[You know it could happen
If you'd only see me in a different light]
See, Koyama thought he was being painfully obvious. He never treated anyone as kindly as he treated Shige. He might be the mother hen who takes care of everyone in NEWS but he never devoted as much attention to the other members the way he did to Shige. But either Shige chose not to see what was right in front of him or he’s just really dense. It happens with smart people sometimes, Koyama humored himself. They’re so smart in some stuff that they become absolutely dimwitted in other things. But so far Shige had never showed any indication that he sees Koyama as other than a friend. They may joke around about being lovers, that they’ve actually been married for eight years, but that’s just that. A joke. Shige would laugh about it and then go back to what he was doing, much to Koyama’s chagrin.
[But baby when we finally get together
You will see that I was right]
However, there were moments when Koyama thought, maybe, just maybe, he was not alone in his feelings. He would do something wrong and was afraid that it would offend Shige, but he would just shrug it off with a smile and said, “It’s okay. I know you don’t mean it.” There were times when Shige called him up when he’s feeling down or told him something he was happy about, because “I just want to share it with you, Koyama.” When Koyama was sick Shige was always the first to notice, the one who asked him if he was feeling all right, if he needed somebody to take him to the doctor, or if he wanted Shige to buy him some medicine. They often thought about the same thing without realizing it, and then they would glance at each other and blurted out the exact same thing.
“You totally stole my thoughts!” Koyama accused.
Shige laughed. “No, you did!”
Well, you certainly stole my heart, Koyama thought.
“But it’s really awesome, don’t you think?” Shige said.
“What is?”
“You and me.”
Koyama strained his ears, making sure he didn’t hear it wrongly. “What did you say?” he asked nervously.
[Say you love me
You know that it could be nice]
“I said, you and me,” Shige repeated. “It’s so great that we’ve become friends since the beginning, and we’ve always been put in the same unit. A lot of things happened that I thought would’ve broken us apart, but it never did.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “It’s like, you know, fate or something.”
Koyama’s heart was beating so fast he thought it might jump out of his chest. He opened his mouth and closed it again, only to open it again. Shige noticed it and broke into a grin. “What’s the matter with you? You look like a fish.”
“Shige, I...” Koyama hesitated, and then backtracked. “...never mind.” He turned away from Shige, afraid that his feelings were written all over his face.
“Hey, come on, what’s wrong?” Shige put a hand on Koyama’s shoulder. “You know you can tell me anything.”
Koyama slowly turned to face Shige again, and when their eyes met he couldn’t contain himself any longer. The words tumbled out of his mouth like water from a broken dam. “I love you,” he said breathlessly.
Shige’s eyes widened. At first there was surprise there, then confusion, then it was understanding. He smiled and said, “You don’t know how happy that made me, Koyama.”
If Koyama’s heart hadn’t jumped out of his ribcage then, it sure did now. “Re- really?” he murmured.
“Of course,” Shige said. “It means a lot to me, coming from my best friend. Thank you, Koyama.” He stepped forward and pulled Koyama into a hug.
Koyama felt like he was going to cry.
[If you'd only say you love me
And don't treat me like I was ice]
After the disastrous confession, Koyama thought he had lost all hope. He tried with all his might to overcome his emotions, hoping they would slowly go away. They didn’t. They stayed there, under the surface, jumping up once in a while every time he caught a glimpse of Shige’s adorable face, scrunched up in concentration when he was writing his latest essay or his college papers. They would come up for air when Shige called him on the phone, or came to his house, or asked him to go out. They would wave wildly when Shige dabbed a tissue on Koyama’s cheek where a trace of ice cream was left. They would yell at the top of their lungs when Koyama sat and did nothing for hours but watched Shige’s peaceful expression when he was asleep.
And then came one day when they marched to town, banged on every single door and rang all the bells. It had all started with Goseki.
Shige and Koyama were watching TV at Koyama’s place. Or at least Shige was watching, because Koyama was talking on the phone with Goseki. In fact, he had been doing it for the last half an hour. He saw from the corner of his eye that Shige was observing him, and was beginning to flip the channels randomly in irritation. He finally said goodbye to Goseki after settling on a karaoke night the next week. He hung up the phone and turned to Shige. “I thought you were watching that talk show.”
“It was boring,” Shige grunted, continuing to press the remote every two seconds, not even bothering to see what was on in each channel. Then he suddenly stopped, flung the remote to a side table and looked at Koyama. “What up with you and this Goseki fella, anyway?”
This Goseki fella? Koyama raised his eyebrows. “We’ve just been hanging around, you know - eating out, going to karaoke. We’re planning on another one next week.”
“I know, I just heard you.” Koyama thought he saw Shige’s jaw tighten. “I mean... what’s the deal with the two of you? You both seem very close lately.”
“I guess we are... we just talked and we clicked with each other. That’s it.” Koyama stared at Shige searchingly. “Anything wrong with that?”
“Well... I mean, you seem to be spending a whole lot of time with him. What about... what about your karate classes? Or your sign language course?”
“I’m not spending any of my time for karate or sign language class with Goseki-kun! I hang out with him in my free time.”
Shige lifted an eyebrow. “Oh really?” he said. Something in his sarcastic tone annoyed Koyama.
“Yes, really! What’s wrong with spending some fun time with a friend anyway? Just like you. You go out fishing with Ohno-kun too!”
Shige looked like he was caught in a loophole. “But... but I don’t spend hours and hours on the phone with Ohno-kun.”
“Well maybe you should!” Koyama’s voice was rising now.
“I might just do that!” Shige raised his own, glaring at his best friend. “Besides, Ohno-kun is not as clingy as Goseki.”
Koyama must have somehow lost track of the conversation, because how the hell did it change into a comparison between Ohno and Goseki? “He’s not clingy!” Koyama said.
”Oh, so you’re defending him now?”
“I’m not defending him!”
“Well, you’re definitely taking his side!”
“I’m not on anyone’s side!”
“Fine!”
“Fine!”
They were both quiet for a while, fuming silently amid the roar of the spectators at the sumo match on TV. Then Shige got up.
“Where are you going?” asked Koyama.
“Out,” Shige said curtly. “Perhaps Ohno-kun would be a better company right now.”
Koyama stared with his mouth open as Shige grabbed his jacket and left, banging the door on the way.
[Oh please love me
I'll be yours and you'll be mine]
Something changed imperceptibly after that. The next time they met Shige pretended as if nothing happened, so Koyama did the same. But he had an inkling that they both hadn’t forgotten what happened, what was said between them. Koyama tried not to get his hopes up too much, but he couldn’t help thinking that Shige’s odd behavior can only be caused by one thing. Jealousy.
“He’s jealous of Goseki because deep down he likes you. He’s just not ready to admit it,” said the angel on Koyama’s shoulder, who looked suspiciously like Massu.
“Oh, puh-lease!” smirked the devil on his other shoulder, who resembled Tegoshi a little too much. “He’s probably just upset because he thinks you have a new best friend. Stop being so full of yourself!”
Koyama sighed. That’s right, he shouldn’t get too excited over nothing. But he found himself becoming restless when Shige began creating a distance between them. Days went by without him calling Koyama randomly to talk about some meaningless topic. He stopped coming on one of his surprise visits to Koyama’s house. When they met or talked, it was all about work. This attitude of giving him the cold shoulder cut like a knife to Koyama’s heart, but he didn’t know exactly how to react. One day when all the members were in the changing room, he and Shige were sitting next to each other without speaking, without so much as a glance at the other’s direction. Ryo, who was sitting on the sofa across from them, folded his arms together and said, “All right, what’s wrong between you two?”
Shige lifted his head from the magazine he was reading. “What?”
“You’ve been acting all weird this whole week. If it’s a fight between spouses or something, you two better get it over with soon.”
Yamapi, who was next to Ryo, looked back and forth from Koyama to Shige. “It’s right, you know,” he said in his calm way. “It’s like there’s a weird vibe when you two are in the room.”
Koyama shook his head slowly. “No, it’s nothing...”
“Nothing at all,” Shige said, getting up from his seat. “Is Massu done with the shower? I gotta go soon.”
Koyama couldn’t stop himself from asking, “Where are you going?” He felt a little weird not knowing what Shige was doing. He usually knew all about the younger man’s itinerary, and vice versa.
“Out with university friends,” Shige said coolly. That was all he said, but to Koyama it had an underlying meaning of: “I have friends too, you know. You’re not the only one who can go out and have some fun with other people.” He disappeared at the door to the shower room, leaving Koyama staring vacantly into the distance. Yamapi and Ryo exchanged bewildered looks.
[And if you'd only say you love me baby
Things would really work out fine]
The agonizing situation went on for another week. On Friday night Koyama felt so lonely at his house that he decided to take an aimless walk outside. As he was putting on his jacket, he realized it was a gift from Shige. He tried to shake off the thought as he went out and locked the door behind him.
It was a fine autumn night, so Koyama took a casual stroll in the park. The fallen leaves weren’t as nice to look at in the night than in the day, but Koyama didn’t feel like enjoying the view anyway. He came upon a bench and remembered that not so long ago, he and Shige were sitting there talking about their plans for the future, sharing their hopes and expectations. Koyama felt like something had punched him in the face. How in the world did he let this go on for so long? He couldn’t stand it anymore. Whatever misunderstanding there was between him and Shige, he needed to solve it right now. He was just turning around to go and find Shige when he saw the man himself standing before him.
Shige’s hair was a little messier than usual, and there were dark circles under his eyes. He stopped walking when he saw Koyama, putting a distance of a few meters between them. Somehow Koyama realized Shige must have been looking for him. The two gazed at each other wordlessly for a full minute, then Koyama spoke first. “I’m sorry.”
Shige smiled wryly, almost affectionately. “Why do you always have to be the one who says sorry first?”
Koyama bit his lip. “Oh... I... I just... sorry.”
“There goes that ‘sorry’ again,” Shige said with a sigh. “No, I’m the one who’s sorry, Koyama. I’ve been acting like a jerk, and I don’t even know why. It’s just... I’ve been having these... feelings which I can’t understand.”
Koyama caught his breath. Feelings, he said?
Shige gazed upward at the bare trees and took a huge gulp of air. “This may not sound coherent at all, but... I just want you to know I’m sorry. I can’t figure out how else to explain it. I…” he grinned bitterly. “I don’t know what to say, Koyama.”
What exactly possessed him to say it he couldn’t remember, but all Koyama knew was that he opened his mouth and blurted out, “Say you love me.”
Those words seemed to freeze between them. Shige’s expression was unreadable. He opened his mouth but nothing came out. When it was clear that he was struggling hard to find something to say, Koyama realized with horror what he just did. What was I thinking? What right do I have to thrust it upon him like this? It took me so long to comprehend my own feelings, how on earth can I force the same thing to someone else? He shook his head.
“Forget what I said,” he spoke quickly. “I don’t mean to force you or anything. Just... never mind, all right?” He felt tears beginning to rise on his throat, and the last thing he wanted to do right now was to break down in front of Shige. So he swiftly turned around and started walking away.
“Koyama, wait!” he heard Shige calling from behind. He tried to ignore it and kept walking. Then he felt Shige grab his hand, stopping him from leaving.
“I said wait,” Shige said, tightening his grasp. Koyama turned around, and when his eyes met Shige’s he thought he saw something new reflected there. Shige didn’t let go of Koyama’s hand. Instead he brought it to his lips, slowly and methodically caressing Koyama’s fingers, his knuckles, his palm with tender kisses. Then when Koyama thought his heart couldn’t possibly beat any faster, Shige stepped closer and closer until they were only inches away from each other.
“Koyama,” Shige whispered, his warm breath on Koyama’s cheeks.
“Yeah?” was all the other man managed to say.
“I love you too.”
Then the whole world seemed to disappear as their lips met. It was the first time, but it felt as if they’ve been doing this a million times because it felt so right. They matched each other’s rhythm, exploring each other’s territory, Shige tilting his head a little as he nibbled at Koyama’s bottom lip. His fingers ran through Koyama’s silky hair, while Koyama slowly placed one hand on the back of Shige’s neck and another on his waist. The kiss felt never ending, as they pulled back occasionally and then lost themselves again in the mysteries of each other’s lips. Koyama closed his eyes and thought nothing could be as perfect as this.
[And if you'd only say you love me darling
Things would really work out fine.]
“Shige?”
“Hm?”
“You sure look cute when you’re jealous.”
“Shut up.”