FIC: YOU CAN TALK TO ME 2/3

[carolinablu85]

Title: You Can Talk To Me
Chapter: 2/3
Author: carolinablu85, also known as CarolinaBlue on vh.net or CarolinaBlu on the wiki (I know, I'm a fountain of creative names)
Pairing: Luke/Noah
Rating: PG-ish
Spoilers: set during last summer's storyline, right after Holden's "death" and Noah's trip to LA
Summary: What if Faith had told Noah about seeing Lily and Damian kissing? Noah tries to navigate through his relationship with Luke and his place within the Snyder family.
Disclaimer: I disclaim. I own a pair of sneakers, a cellphone, and some other stuff. The show? Nope, not that.
Author's Note: So there's a big Luke/Noah fight in this chapter, and while I tried to keep Luke from sounding insensitive and Noah from sounding whiny, I'm not sure if I succeeded!
Chapter 1  /

The little blinking envelope on the screen of his cell phone was just mocking him at this point. Luke finally picked it up and examined it, wondering how something so silent could be so loud. With a flash, he realized he was feeling guilty- he really should listen to the messages and call Noah. If the situation were reversed, Luke would be pissed off and/or freaking out right now. Or looking for another ransom note. That thought made him shudder. God, where was Faith?!

Luke skipped to the last message just as his mom sat down next to him with a fresh mug of tea. She jumped, nearly spilling the hot liquid on her dress, when Luke grabbed her arm. His eyes were wide and glancing around wildly for his keys. “Luke, what-?”

He shook his head to silence her, hitting his speakerphone and replaying the message he had been listening to. “Hey, it’s me. Um, again. I don’t know if maybe you didn’t get my last message? Faith’s still with me, we’re going to go back to the apartment and watch a movie. I think she’s feeling better, but she’s still upset. She won’t let me bring her home yet. Maybe you could come here and talk to her? Call me back. I love you.”

“Noah,” Luke managed to gasp out. “Faith is with Noah.” He hurried after his frenzied mother, already on her way out the door.

The sight that greeted them when they burst into the apartment would have turned Luke into a puddle of mush under any other circumstance. Faith and Noah were huddled together asleep on the couch, Noah with one long arm wrapped around her as she curled in close to his body. Her hand was grasping his Java shirt at his chest, a blanket covering them both.

Luke’s first instinct would normally be to snap a picture for future blackmail purposes (and frame an extra copy to give to Faith for her birthday), but right now he was just so friggin’ relieved that his sister was safe- alive- that he could only suck in a giant amount of air, holding his mom’s arm tightly.

Lily’s first instinct was apparently to yell. Loudly. “Faith!” Both Faith and Noah awoke with a start, nearly jumping off the couch. Faith then hugged the blanket tighter to her body as thought it would act as a shield. Noah squinted his eyes immediately, one hand coming up to rub hard at his head before he realized who was standing in the doorway. The hand dropped just as quickly. Luke’s ‘boyfriend alarm’ started to go off, but he was still too relieved and shocked to function right now.

Yet Lily apparently had no such problem. “Do you have any idea how worried, how terrified, we’ve all been? What were you thinking?!” She shook her head, tears falling uncontrollably. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you, where have you been?”

Faith didn’t answer right away, didn’t move either. She just glared at her mother. Luke was a little taken back by the fire he saw there. Whatever had been bugging her since the funeral- before?- was obviously still there. Poor Noah was stuck in the middle, arm still draped around Faith, looking both nervous and… sad? Luke was really, really confused. “Faith, are you okay?” he finally spoke up. It seemed to diffuse the situation a bit, and if anything else, at least Noah looked grateful.

Faith and Lily were still glaring at each other, but thankfully his sister nodded to his question. “Come on, Faith. Let’s go home,” Lily grabbed Faith’s jacket off the hook by the door.

“No,” the girl responded immediately. “I’m staying here. Noah and I were watching a movie, he said I could stay here tonight!” Luke raised his eyebrows at his boyfriend, somewhat amused when Noah flushed red at his name being brought into the argument.

“Well, that was very nice of him, but it doesn’t matter. We’re going home. Now, young lady.” Luke could feel Lily shaking under his grip.

When Faith opened her mouth to argue again, Luke had to intervene. “Faith, please. You can spend the night some other time, okay? There’s been enough excitement for one day. Noah and I are pretty tired.” Faith turned her glare to him for a second, and Luke irrationally wanted to glare right back. What did I do? But he stopped when Faith next turned to look at Noah pleadingly. Noah looked right back at her, and they seemed to carry on a conversation without words. Luke would never understand how anyone could do that. Words were way too important to him.

“It’s probably a good idea, Snyder,” Noah said softly. “You and your mom could talk. About stuff.” He gave her a pointed look that had her wilting just a little, and Luke had to yet again hold back an irrational glare. What could Faith tell Noah that she couldn’t tell her own brother?

“I don’t want to! Why should I? It won’t matter!” Faith was reaching her limit, Luke could tell. She used to sound like that when she was little and had missed her nap. “She won’t listen to me!”

“Faith…” Noah whispered, thrown off by the sudden volume in her voice.

“Faith Snyder, whatever your problem is, we will discuss it together. Tonight. At home. Now let’s go!” Luke decided his mother was also probably in need of a nap.

Faith looked like she was about to yell again, but Noah intervened before she could. He stood up from the couch, hiding a wince at the sudden change in elevation, and held his hand out to Faith. When Faith took it, looking slightly hopeful like Noah was going to let her stay, he shook his head and gestured towards her mother. Faith’s glare centered on Noah for just a second, but then she sighed and stood up, going over to Luke and Lily.

Luke gave her a brief hug, wishing he knew what the hell was going on, and then passed her over to Lily. She looked like she was somewhere between wanting to hug Faith and wanting to slap her. She obviously couldn’t stop herself from beginning the lecture. “You’re old enough to know better, Faith! You can’t just go running off, not now! Didn’t you think about your family at all?”

Faith’s eyes grew impossibly wide. From where he stood, Luke saw Noah wince at that and again had to wonder what was going on. Faith yanked her jacket out of Lily’s hands and stormed out. “I’ll be in the car!” she shouted in all her teenage glory, slamming the door shut behind her.

For a second all was silent and still in the apartment, before Luke let out a heavy sigh. “Wow,” was all he could say.

Noah took a tentative step closer, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans. He looked at Lily hesitantly. “I’m sor-”

“What were you thinking, Noah?” Lily was beyond rational thought at this point, and she just needed a target at this point. Luke could feel the storm brewing, and had a sudden realization that this was where he got his uncontrollable temper tantrums from. It was a slightly sobering experience. “Why didn’t you call us? Why didn’t you let her family know she was alright? It was not your place to-”

“Mom,” Luke cut in, shocked. He wanted to move, step towards Noah or at least step between them, but his feet were still rooted to the spot. Lily turned wild eyes towards him, about to start in on him next.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Snyder, I really am,” Noah said softly. Both Luke and Lily stilled at his words. Noah hadn’t called her ‘Mrs. Snyder’ in a long time. She had, in fact, been the very first adult Noah had ever met to insist he use their first name. Before that, the most familiar Noah got with an adult was sir or ma’am. He was standing almost hunched over now, trying desperately to maintain eye contact with her. “I didn’t know…”

Lily stared at him hard, finally deflating. She attempted a smile. “No, Noah honey, I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault. Thank you. Thank you for looking after her.”

He shrugged, trying to smile back. “You don’t have to thank me for-”

“No, no, of course I do. You didn’t have to take care of her like that. You’re very good to this family, Noah,” Lily said more genuinely.

“Mom,” Luke stepped in again, physically this time. The look on Noah’s face wasn’t really getting any better, his polite smile looking more and more pained. Luke had to do something to get his well-meaning mother to stop. “Faith might be trying to hotwire the car right now. Maybe you should take her home.” Lily nodded, more than a little dazed by everything. She gave Luke a half-hearted hug and kiss on his cheek and left without another word, obviously preparing for the World War 3 that awaited her on the ride home.

Luke shut the door behind his mother, letting out another deep and heaving sigh. A vacation. I just need a vacation right now. From life. He turned back to Noah, ready to apologize for his crazy family, but Noah was no longer standing next to him. “Noah?” he called as he moved back into the doorway to the living room.

Noah was cleaning up the aborted movie night, turning the TV off, picking up the bowl of barely-eaten popcorn and the mugs of tea. “Yeah?” he replied without looking up. In fact, it looked like he was doing his best to not look at Luke at all.

“You okay?” he asked quietly. He could tell from the jerky movements and eyes-not-completely-open that Noah had a headache. So he lowered his voice a little and didn’t flick on the light as he followed Noah into the dark kitchen. Noah just nodded, that perpetually worried look he had been sporting for days still stuck on his face. Luke watched as Noah cleaned out the mugs and popcorn bowl before setting them to dry in the dish rack. “You sure?”

Noah paused in his cleaning, turning back to finally look at Luke. Luke was shocked by the pure weariness he saw in his boyfriend, so much like his own reflected back at him. “I wish you had told me Faith was missing,” Noah said quietly, leaning back and gripping the edge of the counter behind him tightly.

Luke stayed where he was, leaning against the doorframe. He liked the feeling of something so stable right behind him, because everything in front of him was definitely unstable. “Hey,” he tried to sound soothing. “Don’t worry about my mom, she didn’t mean it, she was just upset-”

“I don’t care about that, Luke. That’s not why you should have told me,” Noah voice was getting higher pitched, a sure sign that he was trying to lock down on his emotions. And for the life of him, Luke couldn’t figure out why.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” he said, direct and simple. He felt a flash of guilt, because he was using the tactic Noah had yet to realize was a tactic. If Noah had anything ingrained into him from his childhood, it was to follow orders. Luke pushed aside that bitter taste and focused on what was in front of him.

Noah drew in a hitched breath, pinching the bridge of his nose tightly. “It’s just… you know what, don’t worry about it. I’m being stupid and selfish. You’ve been through enough lately and you don’t need-”

“I think I get a say in what I do or don’t need,” Luke cut in softly. Part of him wanted to move forward and hug Noah’s headache away, but another part of him was starting to get agitated, defensive. He had to stay with his back against the wood frame. It was steady. Solid. Like he needed to be.

Noah nodded, finally letting his hand drop away from his face. “Okay. Why didn’t you tell me Faith was missing?”

“Because, Noah,” and this time Luke was fighting off the sigh, “I didn’t want to bother you with more of my family’s crazy drama. I didn’t want to drag you into it again, you don’t need that, and-”

“Don’t I get a say into what I do or don’t need too?” Noah wasn’t looking at him again.

“Noah... I can’t do this right now. I just can’t.” His arms were wrapped around himself now. Tight. He could feel his own fingers digging into his upper arms.

“Do what?” And there was Noah’s wounded-puppy look.

Luke was starting to get angry. Noah already looked resigned to losing this fight (when had it become a fight?) and for some reason that pissed Luke off. Maybe because Luke didn’t want to feel like the bad guy in the end. Or because Noah giving up on this fight just reminded him of Noah’s old habit of letting himself get pushed around. Either way, his grip on himself just got tighter. “I can’t have this discussion. I’m a mess right now, okay? And I’m sorry I haven’t been around a lot. It’s just all this stuff with my family, I feel like I’m falling down a sinkhole. I can’t keep up with everything.”

Noah nodded. “I know, I’m sorry, I really am. I just…”

“Just what?” He always did this, he always let Luke find out he was upset but never wanted to press the issue enough to deal with it.

“I want to help, Luke,” Noah insisted, pleading. “I just want you to tell me what I can do to make things better.”

“There isn’t anything!” Luke burst out, regretting it when Noah winced at the volume, one hand almost going back up to his head before dropping again. “You can’t do anything. No one can. And I’m sorry, but you have to understand that I can’t… I have to help my family right now. I have to take care of them.”

“I know,” Noah was still very, very quiet.

“I have to take care of them,” he repeated firmly.

Noah nodded, finally meeting his eyes again. “But I want to take care of you.”

Normally, on any other day, that would have been enough. Luke would have melted, he would have realized they were just fighting about loving each other so much that they didn’t know what to do, and they both would have cried a little and gone to bed, possibly to do more than sleep. But that was any other day. Today, his baby sister had been missing for hours, his biological father was holding his mother’s hand, and his dad was still dead. Today sucked. “Noah…”

Noah gave a little laugh, and there was no humor in it. “What did I do wrong now?”

Luke bit the inside of his cheek to keep from snapping something he’d regret. He reminded himself it wasn’t Noah’s fault and then tried to respond civilly. “I’m sorry, okay? But I can only do so much right now to function. I can’t be the son and brother I have to be right now, and the perfect boyfriend. Please, just bear with me a little longer?”

“I’m not asking you t-!” Noah cut himself off, shaking his head, laughing that bitter laugh again. “I can’t do anything right, can I?” he mumbled, so quietly Luke wasn’t actually sure he heard it correctly.

The kitchen fell completely silent, and Luke could actually hear the faint noise of their neighbors in the apartment next to them. “What’s going on, Noah?” Luke finally asked.

Noah’s eyes were very tired and very sad. “You need to talk to Faith. She, um, she has a reason to be upset.” He shook his head. “It’s not good. Your family’s going to need you, and I…” he looked away from Luke, staring at the hand-drawn pictures Natalie and Ethan had insisted they hang on the fridge. Doodles of flowers and dinosaurs and barns with horses in front. And one paper with a drawing of a family in front of a house. Noah forced himself not to count how many stick figures were there, not wanting to come up one short. He turned back to his boyfriend. “I understand, alright? You need to be with your family right now, I get it. Just don’t forget that I’m here for you.”

Luke went back through what Noah had said. “Talk to Faith? Why can’t I talk to you about it?” he asked.

Noah looked at him, some fire and frustration finally coming back to his gaze. “Because honestly? I don’t know if I’m allowed to be involved.”
“What?” Luke was confused now, really confused. He couldn’t control this conversation, and that just aggravated him even more. If he knew what Noah was talking about, maybe he’d know what to say to end this.

His boyfriend shrugged. “You don’t want me around, but you get mad when I leave you alone. You don’t want me to help, but you snap at me for going to work and working with Ma- working on the film. I can’t keep track of it anymore, Luke. I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t know what to do either!” Luke was just this side of shouting, grief and confusion making him lose his volume control. “My dad died, okay? Cut me a little slack here!”

“I am!” Noah’s voice was also starting to get louder. “But it seems like everything I do is wrong! It can’t stay like this or…” he took a breath, trying to calm himself. “You want to know why I’m upset? Because I’m a selfish, pathetic shell of a person.”

“What?”

“People keep telling me I’m a part of the family. But I’m not.” Noah’s eyes were burrowing into his now. “I’m not, am I? You can tell me that all you want, but when it comes down to it, I’m just your boyfriend. Most of the time, it doesn’t matter whether I’m around or not.”

Luke was shocked into silence for a few moments. Noah really thought that? How long had he been feeling this way? Why hadn’t he brought it up earlier? “You really think that? Noah-”

“Don’t. I’m not looking for reassurance or pity. And I’m not blaming you, at all. I’m stating fact. I just have to accept it.”

“Hey,” Luke finally took a step away from the shelter of the doorway. A step closer to Noah. He frowned when Noah pushed himself back against the counter, nowhere left for him to run. And yet, Noah is still trying to run. “I’m sorry if you feel that way. But it’s not true. I mean…” He trailed off, trying to find the best explanation. “You just don’t understand what it’s like right now, Noah.”

And that was apparently not the best explanation. Noah’s eyes were burning brightly. “I don’t understand? Out of every- I’ve had parents leave me and die, and leave me and die and leave me again. And you think I don’t understand what you’re going through?”

“No! No, you don’t!” Luke found himself shouting. “You really want to compare what it’s like to lose the Colonel with losing Holden Snyder? You think it’s anything close to the same?”

Noah couldn’t help but flinch at the suddenly yell, and the words that came with it. “Of course it’s not the same. But you don’t have to be so alone right now. I know how you feel, that’s all I-”

“You don’t know how I feel, Noah. Your father is still alive. You can’t possibly know how I feel,” Luke had somehow gotten a few steps closer, almost within arm’s reach of his boyfriend. They were both nearly vibrating with reigned-in emotions.

“But I did lose my dad. A-and my mother is dead. I’m not trying to turn this into a contest. I’m trying to get you to… to come back to me.”

Noah looked so lost and worried then, and it just pushed Luke that much further over the edge. “You just don’t get it, okay? I can’t be me right now, I have to take care of like twenty people. And make sure they’re okay, make sure they’re eating and sleeping and not going over the deep end. And now whatever this thing with Faith is- that you won’t tell me, despite apparently wanting to be involved- and I…You need to back off, Noah. Let me deal with this my way.”

Noah shook his head. “Your way doesn’t seem to include me.”

“Then I’m sorry! But this is the only way I can deal right now!” Luke ran a hand through his own hair, exhaling loudly. “How many times do I have to tell you this: You don’t understand! This thing with my family, you have no idea how it works, how could you? You’ve never been a part of a family-”

And then suddenly there was no more oxygen in the room. Or at least it felt that way. The look of quiet devastation on Noah’s face pulled all the air out of Luke’s lungs. “Okay,” was all he said.

“God, Noah, I didn’t-” Luke took another step closer, his heart thudding painfully when Noah moved away from him. Crap.

“Yes you did,” Noah nodded, as though confirming something. As though Luke had confirmed something for him.

“No, no, I just meant…” he stopped again as Noah took a few long strides, getting around him and heading for the door. No, no, no, no, no. “What are you- where are you going?”

Noah was already at the door, but he didn’t move to open it. Luke felt hope blossom in him for just a second before Noah turned back around to look at him. Then it died. Noah may have been standing in the room, but he was already gone. “I need to go for a walk,” he said simply, coldly. “I’m not running away. I’m not leaving you. I just need to- I need to go for a walk. I’ll be back when I’m done feeling like this.”

“Noah-” but the door was opened and shut before Luke could even get his name out. And then Luke was alone in the apartment, and the silence was screaming in his face.

* * * * * * * * * * * *
And to top it all off, his head still hurt. That was really all Noah could concentrate on right now. He had walked all the way from the apartment to Old Town, feeling like a stranded man trudging through the desert. And Al’s had seemed like an oasis. But standing between the two sets of doors, Noah had seen Henry and Vienna together inside, and he had promptly turned around and left. He just couldn’t deal right now- not with their cheery conversation or (God forbid) concern. And he couldn’t be around a happy couple right now, he just couldn’t.

He wandered for a bit longer before somehow ending up in the cemetery. He walked the familiar path to the far right corner to the marble headstone third from the end and sat down in front of it, long legs tucking up to his chest. No one would find him here. No one even knew that he came here on a regular basis. He rested his forehead on his knees and tried to remember what breathing was supposed to feel like.

You’ve never been a part of a family-

And sometimes Noah wondered if he ever would be. He sat there for he didn’t know how long, dusk slowly fading into night, shadows from the trees stretching out until everything was in darkness. And he couldn’t help but think that was appropriate.

His phone had been buzzing regularly. Noah’ brain was too fuzzy at the moment to carry out a conversation, so he let it go to voicemail. He had had enough of words, of thinking, for one day. In that moment he longed for the days when all he had to worry about were psycho-abusive fathers or fake twins holding him for ransom. You know, simpler times. Everybody knows it sucks to grow up, he hummed to himself. He’d had that song stuck in his head all day.

Briefly, Noah wondered if he should find some place to stay for the night. He was scared to go back to the apartment. He wasn’t sure what would be there, if anything would be there. But scrolling through his phone, he realized anyone he could call was someone he knew through Luke. The only people in his phone not tied to Luke were Jeff and Kayla from Java, a couple friends from his film classes, and Mason. No one he was close enough or comfortable enough with to crash on their couch. He had no one. Story of my life.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Not anymore. He wasn’t supposed to go back to being the castaway, the lonely kid sitting in the corner hoping someone would notice him. He had learned what being a family was all about, and he had liked it. And he had thought he was getting good at it. He had been the one to encourage Luke to make peace with Damian, hadn’t he? (Though of course that was biting him in the ass right now.) He had helped when Eliza had gone missing, he had been there for Lily when Luke refused to work at the foundation. He had finished running that rally after Luke had been hit by the car. He had…

Noah shook his head, reminding himself about the whole him-being-a-selfish-bastard thing. He had also been the one to friggin’ marry someone else. And go to LA with a teacher Luke didn’t like (he could definitely tell) instead of going to Holden’s funeral. And he had just picked a fight with his boyfriend (whose dad had just died) because Luke wasn’t paying enough attention to him. Noah wasn’t a perfect boyfriend, that was for sure. Maybe Luke was right.

-you have no idea how it works, how could you? You’ve never been a part of a family-

But Noah couldn’t go back to the apartment just yet. That had hurt too much. Partly because Luke should have known it would hurt, and partly because it was true. Maybe Noah would never figure out how families worked. And maybe he’d be better off for it?

Life was just so scary and uncertain right now. He had no idea where he’d be or who he’d be a year from now. He was graduating from college soon. He was trying to become successful in an industry where he was way more likely to fail. And the most constant relationship in his life seemed to waver every day between happily-ever-after and a Jerry-Springer-smackdown.

Every decision he made from here on out could impact his entire future, and that was terrifying. He was pretty sure that sometimes the pressure to make the right decision caused him to panic into making the one wrong. Everybody knows it sucks to grow up…

His phone vibrated again, just once. A text message. Noah couldn’t stop himself from glancing downwards, and was surprised to see it was from Casey. U ok? Where r u? Luke is freaking out. Call me back.

Noah stared at the message, not knowing how to respond. He didn’t want anyone to worry, but he wasn’t ready to deal with any of it either. But he felt bad that Casey was involved now. He was probably just looking out for Luke. Noah sighed and picked up his phone, sending Casey a quick text back. I’m fine. Don’t worry.

Only seconds after he pressed send another text popped up. Where r u? This one he didn’t answer. Mostly because he didn’t want to be found yet, and partly because telling Casey he was visiting his mother’s grave sounded way too pathetic. Even for him.

He stared at the headstone for awhile longer, completely numb, when he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. Twisting sharply upwards, he was greeted by the stern but surprisingly warm gaze of one Lucinda Walsh. “What… what are you doing here?” He stumbled to his feet, instinctively looking for a chair to pull out for her before remembering where they were. Idiot.

“Looking for you, of course,” Lucinda replied the same way she always did, as though the answer was the most obvious thing in the world. To her, it probably was. “What are you doing out here, Noah?”

Noah shook his head, wincing when the motion reminded him that he had a headache. “I was… you shouldn’t be out here alone after dark, Ms. Walsh. Is it safe for-”

“Darling, do you really think there’s anything out here scarier than me?” she cut him off.

He couldn’t help the small smile. “No,” he answered honestly.

“Of course there isn’t,” she replied, moving over to a nearby bench to sit down. When she raised her eyebrows at him, Noah realized she wasn’t making a request. Even an unspoken one. He hurriedly (though warily) sat down next to her. “Now do you want to tell me why you’re out here at this time of night? My grandson didn’t give any specifics, just-”

“Luke called you?” he asked, flushing when he realized he had just interrupted Lucinda Walsh of all people.

“Yes. He did indeed. Quite frantically, I have to say. Whatever he said to you, he feels horrible about it.” She fixed him with a demanding stare.

“I know he does,” Noah said quietly, having to look away. She had a stare like Superman’s X-Ray vision; she could see right through him.

“But?” she prompted.

“But… I’m not sure he didn’t also mean it,” he admitted.

Lucinda didn’t speak for a minute, studying him. She was never quite sure what to make of this boy. Every time she thought she had him figured out, he did something to surprise her. He was still so closed off and a bit repressed, so the stronger emotions burst out of him in a hurricane when he couldn’t hold it in any longer. Mix that with her tempestuous grandson, and drama was bound to happen. “Whatever he said,” she began again, slowly and firmly. “He knows it was wrong. Faith has apparently been reading him the riot act for the past hour as well.”

Noah’s eyes widened ever so slightly. “Faith? Did she-?”

“She came clean about what she saw, yes. So thank you for convincing her to do that,” Lucinda smiled a little, despite the situation. Despite the fact that her daughter and that sleazeball of Italian hair gel had… Lucinda couldn’t think on it right now.

But Noah still looked upset. “How is everyone then? And Luke…”

“Everyone knows now. But leave all that up to me, and Emma. We’ll sort it out. Let’s you and I concentrate right now on you, child. Tell me what happened that caused you to come visit your mother of all people.” Noah was silent for so long she wondered if he was purposefully ignoring her. She tried again. “Does it have anything to do with why you referred to me as ‘Ms. Walsh’ a few minutes ago? Because I thought you were finally comfortable calling me Lucinda, Mr. Mayer.” She emphasized his name on purpose, but this time he didn’t crack a smile.

She watched him struggle for control for a few moments, her worry increasing. Finally, finally, he opened his mouth. “It’s… it’s nothing, ma’am. I just realized something I should have realized a long time ago. It wasn’t Luke’s fault at all, please make sure Faith knows that, and-”

Lucinda held up a hand to silence him. “My dear boy, if you don’t tell me something specific in the next few seconds I will throttle it out of you,” she warned. His eyes widened comically, and she took a little bit of pleasure from the fact that she could still shock him after two years of knowing him. It made her feel less old.

He shook his head. “I don’t want Luke to get in trouble, and I don’t want your pity.” Both of them were surprised by his bluntness.

She recovered first. Of course. “I pity no one that doesn’t deserve it, Noah. Why don’t you test that fact right now? If I say I don’t pity you, then I certainly must mean that. Wouldn’t you agree?”

He shook his head again, almost frantically. “You shouldn’t be wasting your time with me. You should be with your family right now. Please don’t w-”

“Noah Mayer. I will throttle you,” she repeated. And then it hit her- everything he had just said, calling her ‘Ms. Walsh,” Faith’s upset and barely intelligible words (something about Los Angeles?). Oh, Noah.

“You don’t have to be here,” he mumbled, trying again, fidgeting with his hands.

They were both silent for a little while then. “How long are you planning on staying here?” she finally asked, looking over at Charlene Wilson’s grave. She noticed how well-kept it was and had to wonder just how often Noah came here. She knew Dusty Donovan had been the one to pay for it (more out of respect for Noah than Cheri), but as far as she knew Donovan hadn’t even thought about it since. Which meant Noah…

Noah tried not to shrug, pretty sure such an indifferent gesture would only annoy Lucinda. “I don’t know where I’m going anymore,” he said without meaning to. Something about this woman made him want to be just as wholly honest as she always was.

Lucinda studied him again, one eyebrow rising. “May I make a suggestion?”

He nodded, daring to look her way. “Of course.”

She smiled fondly. “Go home, darling. Go home and talk to Luke. Settle this, please. You keep things like this bottled inside, and it bursts out at a time and in a manner you can’t control. And it hurts you, Noah. I don’t like to see my boys hurt.”

Something flashed across his face then, something she was fairly sure was denial. “Please,” he nearly whispered. “You don’t have to-”

“I don’t pity you,” she announced, shutting him up. “I’m sorry, for the life you’ve had and for the way you see yourself, but I don’t pity you. You’re a better man than that.” She patted his knee. “We Snyder/Walshes tend to come together and fall apart simultaneously during a tragedy. We lose focus on some things.” Her tone softened when the blue eyes she was watching started to water unintentionally. “Doesn’t mean we don’t still love those things, value them. We just need to be reminded every now and then, I think.” Now she smirked. “Or as someone apparently told Faith, when a Snyder makes a mistake, they really make one.”

Noah gave a watery chuckle, quickly wiping at his eyes, pausing to rub at his head for a second before dropping his hand back into his lap. “I ran away again,” he confessed quietly.

She looped her arm through his and stood, forcing him to stand with her. “Only a little,” she corrected, pausing to allow him one more glance back at the marble headstone before moving towards her car. “And it doesn’t count if you know you’re going back. Come on dear, I’m getting you home. And you better take something for that headache you’re trying to hide. For the love of Saint Peter, child, you have got to take better care of yourself or I don’t care what Luke says, you’ll be coming to stay with me.”

And for that, Noah smiled.

TO BE CONTINUED! Chapter 3