FIC: CALL TO APATHY
Title: Call to Apathy
Author: carolinablu85
Characters: Luke/Noah, Jeremy (OC), Ameera
Rating: R for language, A for angst
Word Count: 6,450
Warning: some angst, some Noah/OMC
Summary: I find a fatal flaw/ In the logic of love/ And go out of my head. (set in Dec 2010)
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Less than nothing. Negative nothing. Not even Jeremy or half the stuff that happens here! :) Thanks, Twitter friends.
A/N: Another for my series of “C” One-Shots! Based on events from the RPG on both Twitter and Facebook. For aimezetmusique , who wanted some Neremy and some PredictablEllAngst. (Title of fic is taken from an awesome, and freakishly appropriate, song by the Shins)
A/N 2: A quick refresher, habibi is Arabic for ‘my dear’ or ‘sweetheart,’ and akhi is Arabic for ‘my brother.’
Jeremy had heard the phrase ‘playing with fire’ before, though he’d always dismissed it as cliché. But not anymore. Or maybe he’d just never gotten it until now.
Noah was fire. And this was dangerous.
Of course, Noah was also very very drunk and not slowing down anytime soon, no matter how many times Jeremy tried to take the bottle of JD away. It didn’t help that Noah had Go-Go-Gadget arms and always managed to hold the bottle out of Jeremy’s reach. It didn’t help that he was checking Facebook every twenty seconds and getting more and more depressed.
It didn’t help that he looked so goddamn good in that shirt that Jeremy had to force himself not to stare. He felt horrible for ogling when his friend was going through something so messed up, but...
No. He shoved those thoughts away. He was a little drunk too, but that didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered right now was getting Noah through tonight, getting him to let go of the whiskey bottle (the second of the night, they’d split the first one), and getting him away from the computer.
“Noah, buddy, come on,” he held out his hand again. “Why don’t you call it a night and get some sleep?”
Noah stared at his outstretched hand, studying it like he wasn’t actually sure what it was there for. “Not. Tired,” he stated firmly.
“I think sleep would be a good idea anyway,” Jeremy inched closer, keeping himself steady. “Hey, you can even stay here on the couch if you don’t want to go back to your place, okay? Just, just put the computer away.”
“Luke kissed somebody else,” Noah informed him, taking another long gulp from the bottle.
“I... I know, Noah. I’m sorry,” he had no idea what else to say. So he said exactly what he’s said every time Noah informed him of this tonight like it was a new development.
“And know why I know I should be upset?” Noah pointed at him as though he didn’t already have Jeremy’s attention. “B’cause he didn’t tell me. We tell each other everthing, except whenever Luke wants to kiss someone else. Right?”
Jeremy winced. He still didn’t know the whole story about Luke and Noah’s doctor, he wasn’t sure if Ameera did either, but he knew enough to get the reference. “Noah, you
don’t know that’s what this is. We don’t know the whole story. Come on, let me walk you back to your place.”
Noah was still looking at his computer. “I got upset he kissed someone else, and he jus’ like, waved that away,” he demonstrated with his own hand. “Got mad at me for being upset. Made me feel stupid for it. What does that mean?”
“I don’t know,” Jeremy said, managing to pull the now pretty-much empty bottle of whiskey away.
“Maybe he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, for real,” Noah mused, not even realizing what Jeremy had done. “Only people who want to be with me are freaks, did you know that? Mason, Zac, not Luke...”
He put his hand on Noah’s shoulder, rubbing consolingly. “I don’t think that’s true,” he said softly. Shaking his head, ridding himself of that train of thought, “Can you make it back to your place?”
Noah shook his head. “It’s empty down there. Don’t want to.”
He ignored the buzz of his cell phone, seemingly getting more and more insistent with each incoming text message. A few from Casey, a few from Ameera (he was more than a little surprised she hadn’t knocked on the door yet), Alison, Maddie... Every few seconds, another buzz telling him that there was a fierce, vocal group of people who would kill him if something bad happened to Noah tonight.
“Okay then, you can stay here on the couch,” he kept his voice slow and soothing, hoping with half a mind that it would put Noah to sleep.
No such luck. “Your couch’s too small,” Noah frowned.
Which, okay, was true. Noah barely fit on this thing even without the liquor making him all limbs and clumsiness. “All right then buddy,” he emphasized the ‘buddy,’ as though Noah would really be analyzing his words right now. “You take my bed, okay? I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“‘S too small for you too!” Noah pointed out, voice almost, almost, cheerful.
Jeremy sighed. A part of him- the part fueled by alcohol- could see where this was possibly going, but he had to put up a fight. His conscience (and everyone texting him) would hate him otherwise. He would hate him otherwise. “I’ll manage. Let’s just get you into bed.”
He pulled Noah up, both of them nearly tumbling over when Noah got to his feet. Breathing a little more harshly, Noah wrapped both arms around Jeremy, holding on tight for balance. “Whoa,” he mumbled.
“Easy,” Jeremy murmured, keeping his hold on Noah secure. “Take it easy.”
“Sorry,” Noah attempted to take a few steps as Jeremy prodded him along.
“Don’t worry, it’s okay,” he answered, more concerned with getting Noah lying down and getting him through this night.
Noah shook momentarily, in what was probably supposed to be a laugh but sounded way too empty and dark. “What’s okay?”
Jeremy couldn’t answer. He got Noah down onto his bed and went into the kitchen for some aspirin and watered-down Gatorade. He answered a few more texts from Casey, mostly about hangover cures, and was just about to head back to the bedroom when one more text from Ameera came through. Get him off the computer. NOW.
That got him moving. He almost dropped the stuff in his hands as he rushed back to his bedroom. “Noah?” He came to a standstill in the doorway.
Noah had somehow managed to not only get the laptop out, but find Facebook and sign on. Jeremy was impressed in spite of the situation. But the look on Noah’s face stopped any joke he might say.
“Noah?” he tried again.
It was devastation, pure and simple. One thing alcohol was good for with Noah, it always lowered his defenses. All those walls and barriers he kept between him and everything else got knocked down when liquor was involved. Like right now.
“Hey,” Jeremy slowly got closer, sitting on the edge of the bed. “What-”
“’S over. He doesn’t... doesn’t want me,” Noah was still staring at the computer screen.
Jeremy reached over, gently pulling the laptop away. He scanned the words on the posts, finally seeing what Noah was talking about. Noah asking Luke flat-out if he wanted Noah to wait for him. Luke... saying no. Oh. Well. Shit.
“Fuck,” he breathed out. No, no, no. This was all wrong. Luke wasn’t supposed to say something like that. He was supposed to drag things out and make Noah crazy and emo, but always love him. And show up in LA in just enough time to make Jeremy feel awkward and jealous for a week or two. But he was always supposed to end up with Noah. This was all wrong.
“Yep,” Noah leaned back against the headboard, eyes closed. “Guess that’s that.”
“I’m so sorry,” he said as he set the computer aside, sitting next to him on the bed. He carefully put an arm around Noah’s shoulders, pulling him close, hoping to comfort.
Noah’s head dropped down to his chest with an almost audible thump. “Not your fault. Probably mine. Usually is.”
“Thinking like that won’t help,” Jeremy spoke softly, rubbing his shoulder.
Noah drew in a deep breath like he was going to argue, but his chest shuddered instead, almost choking him. Without hesitating, Jeremy pulled him closer, wrapping both arms around him. He hugged him tight, feeling Noah shake. “It’s going to be okay,” he whispered. “Whatever happens, you’ll get through it. I know it.”
Noah shook his head, face buried in Jeremy’s shoulder. “’Cause I always do?” he asked bitterly.
Jeremy tilted his head sideways, knocking it lightly into Noah’s. “’Cause I’ll help you.”
Noah shook his head again. “Sorry you’re caught up in this. It sucks.”
He laughed a little. “Yeah, it sucks. But you’re my friend. You’ve been there for me. Why wouldn’t I be here? Besides the fact that I live here.”
It sounded like Noah tried to laugh for a second. “Luke’s everything to me,” he said. “A big, giant everything. How do I do any of this... when he doesn’t want me to be a part of his life?”
He ran a hand up and down Noah’s back. “I don’t know, man,” he said softly, wishing there was something he could do to fix this. “I don’t know Luke, I don’t know why he said what he did. But I don’t think it’s because he hates you or wants you out of his life and all that. I just don’t, Noah.”
“Yeah?” Noah’s tone was still so bitter. And drunk. “Glad you think so. From four months of-”
“Hey,” Jeremy grabbed Noah’s face, pulling him up so he could look him in the eyes. “I don’t know Luke, but I know you. Anyone cutting you out of their life? Doesn’t deserve you.”
Okay, maybe he pulled Noah’s face a little too close. Because it seemed like suddenly they were nose to nose and eye to eye and Jeremy couldn’t see anything in the room past those damn bright blue eyes.
“Noah...” he was going to say something. He totally was. He wasn’t sure what, and he wasn’t sure why, but he knew he should.
He was going to, but Noah’s mouth on his stopped any train of thought he might possibly have. Noah. Noah was kissing him. Pretty fucking well, too.
After a moment frozen still, Jeremy gave into it; he couldn’t deny that he’d wanted to do this pretty much since the day he’d met his new neighbor. The incredibly sweet and incredibly gorgeous guy who looked liked he’d seen everything and nothing in his short life already. God, Jeremy should never ever fall for the wounded-puppy types. Ever.
Unless they kiss like this...
Noah’s hands were working as fast as his lips, one threaded through Jeremy’s hair, the other gripping his shirt at the small of his back, pushing it up just slightly. He tried to say something, anything, but Noah was there again, kissing him harder if that was possible.
And then Noah made this noise, this soft, almost inaudible moan. And fuck if Jeremy couldn’t help responding to it. He wanted to be noble, he wanted to get Noah to sleep and call Ameera and figure out what to do tomorrow, but there was only so much ‘good guy’ in him. And right now the alcohol, the frustration, and the fucking hot guy kissing him won out.
He moaned himself, his own hands sliding down Noah’s face to his chest, his sides, down to the bottom of his shirt. He was barely aware of opening his mouth at Noah’s silent insistence, more focused on getting that shirt off and out of the way.
And, okay. Seeing Noah shirtless was one thing. Feeling him shirtless was something entirely new. Jeremy wasn’t one to let a good opportunity go to waste. He tossed Noah’s shirt to the floor, slowly pressing him forward until Noah was on his back on the bed, Jeremy hovering over him, their mouths more than fused together.
Noah’s hands were still on him too, the side of his face, sliding under his shirt, and Jeremy took that as the encouragement he needed. He braced one forearm on the bed next to Noah, keeping his balance, while his other hand landed firmly on Noah’s chest, soaking up the heat and sweat, drawing out shudders. He took his time, trailing it slowly down his stomach, tracing along the dips and lines of his abdomen, down to the zipper of his jeans, pulling it down, reaching-
It took him a second to realize Noah was no longer under him. He shook himself more aware, breathing harshly, sitting up. Somehow Noah was on the other side of the room, breathing just as hard, looking just as confused. And way, way panicked.
“Noah, I-”
“Fuck. Fuck,” Noah was scrambling to pull his shirt back on, nearly getting his arm caught in a sleeve. “Fuck. I have to go.”
“Are you sure you’re-” Jeremy wanted to punch himself in the face (You idiot! Ameera’s going to kill you!), but he also knew he probably shouldn’t push Noah right now.
“I have to go,” Noah insisted. He was zipping up his jeans, glancing wildly around the room, anywhere but at Jeremy. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I have to...” He was gone before the sentence could finish.
Jeremy stared at the air where Noah had been, unable to move. To think. Finally, after an eternity or two of being frozen, he was able to flop backwards onto the bed, groaning out the one word that summed up this entire night. “Fuck.”
Tomorrow. As soon as he could, he’d talk to Noah tomorrow. They could fix this.
They had to.
************
He didn’t know what to do.
Noah wished he could be on autopilot, just have his brain stop working and stop torturing him with fifty million different thoughts. Part of him really thought he should be numb right now, but he wasn’t. He felt like he was being electrocuted, a few volts stinging at a time, all over his body.
He had just kissed- pretty much hooked up with- Jeremy. The one person, besides Ameera, who’d been there for him day in and day out since he moved to LA. Jeremy, who was confident without being pushy, straightforward and secure but laidback, understanding, giving.
Who had freely admitted a few nights ago that he was attracted to Noah, but in no way pressured him to respond. And fuck, Noah had kissed him tonight. Almost slept with him. What kind of a friend was he? He had almost-
Noah stopped that thought right then and there. He couldn’t acknowledge that one. He couldn’t. He couldn’t admit that it felt like he had just cheated on Luke.
Another jolt hit him, like a hot poker going through his chest. Luke really didn’t want him anymore. He went out with another guy, kissed him, and told Noah he didn’t want him to wait. He was really and truly done with Noah.
And Noah didn’t know how to handle that.
He thought back on everything that had happened tonight and almost couldn’t breathe. Wow, he had humiliated himself spectacularly. In front of his friends, Jeremy, Luke...
See, this was why he didn’t open up or ‘put himself out there’ as Ali used to say. This was why- he always found that perfect way to screw everything up. Tonight even proved that he could fuck things up beyond repair. This was why people shouldn’t show their weaknesses. It hurt too damn much. Made it too hard to breathe.
He had to get away, he realized. He had to. He had no idea how to go on from this, and he wasn’t going to be able to figure it out here- with Ameera likely to drop by anytime, with Jeremy right down the hall, with Luke... well, Luke didn’t matter anymore, did he?
Yes he does, that’s the problem. Noah shook all over. His apartment had ‘trying so hard not to think about Luke except it’s all you do’ written all over it. He needed somewhere to clear his head. Regroup. And Anywhere-But-Here was sounding like his only option right now.
He realized he was still standing in the hallway in front of his door, so he turned away. His feet hurried him to the stairwell, the garage, the Jeep Wrangler he had finally managed to buy last month. He had to get away. Figure out a way to control himself, understand himself. He couldn’t show his face until that was sorted.
...
It could’ve been hours, but he was pretty sure it was at least a day before he finally stopped for rest. He was sitting in the car in the parking lot of a Motel 6 somewhere possibly off the 101 freeway, he wasn’t sure. He also didn’t really care. The building was drab and boring and perfectly forgettable. Just what he wanted. If only he could work up the energy to get out of the Jeep.
He must have done it eventually, because the next time he came to his senses he was inside one of the motel rooms, sitting on the floor next to the bed. Why he wasn’t in the bed, he didn’t know.
His phone buzzed again, and he had to admit he was surprised the battery had lasted this long. He still had no idea who the messages or missed calls were from, because he couldn’t bring himself to check. Probably Jeremy, maybe Ameera if Jeremy had told her anything.
His arms were weighing a hundred pounds by this point, but he reached out anyway, flipping open his phone. Whoa. Jeremy and Ameera had called him, but so had Casey and Ali. And Maddie. Even Aaron. What? Had he been that messed up that everyone could tell and felt the need to tell him so?
After the missed calls were a slew of texts and messages in his inbox. Dozens. From all of them. Starting out comforting, then getting worried, then angry. Noah flinched. Were they mad at him for getting drunk and fighting with Luke? Hooking up with Jeremy? Or for leaving? But he had to leave, why couldn’t they understand that?
Still, his conscience wouldn’t let him have his friends worried, so he pulled up Ameera’s name and sent her a quick message. Basically letting her know he was alive so she wouldn’t have to worry anymore.
After that he managed to get himself upright, take a shower in the motel’s semi-warm water, and then fall back onto the bed. He checked his phone again, and was more than shocked. Enough to sit up, eyes wide. The world had exploded in the last hour. Luke and Jeremy were now fighting on Facebook, sniping back and forth at each other. Arguing about what was best for Noah. Best for him.
The weariness gave way suddenly into anger. Fuck them. It didn’t matter what they thought, it was his goddamn life and they didn’t get to decide anything. Either of them. He watched them go at each other, compulsively clicking the refresh button as it got more and more heated. Jeremy accusing Luke of leading Noah on, Luke telling Jeremy to mind his own business. Jeremy trying to get Luke to say flat-out whether or not he still had feelings for Noah. Luke avoiding the answer.
Noah shook his head, suddenly having to go click away from the page. He didn’t want to see Luke finally admitting what they both already knew- he wasn’t right for Luke anymore. Noah had lost his chance to try proving otherwise. Luke probably knew he and Jeremy had kissed. Jeremy probably knew now how much trouble Noah could be.
He found more messages from Ameera, getting more and more angry with him. He saw Casey’s posts scolding both Jeremy and Luke, and him. Another text from Maddie calling him stupid.
Noah sat back on the bed. He watched all the words pile up on each other, and it felt like the words were piling on him. His friends were getting more annoyed and angry with him, with each other, with everything. He wondered if there was even a point to going back.
This wasn’t how his life was supposed to turn out.
************
Ameera always remembered her mother, whenever she was upset or bothered by something, would clean their house like a crazy woman. An uncluttered house makes for an uncluttered mind, she would say.
Noah’s apartment wasn’t ever cluttered, but she hoped that cleaning it would generate enough karma to fix this mess of a situation. She hoped her mother, wherever she was, was adding some good energy so Ameera could help the small bit of family she had left. Noah was her family. And she couldn’t let him down.
She scrubbed the window pane one last time, finally deciding it was streak-free. She had been staring at this window for three days. He’d been gone for three days. If it weren’t for the fact that he had sent her a quick text this morning saying he was on his way back, she’d be breaking out the Swiffer right now.
She had no idea when exactly he would get here, so all she could do was make sure his apartment was clean and cozy when he got back so he wouldn’t be tempted to leave ever again. Because she couldn’t handle that again.
And she would kill someone if it happened again. Noah, Luke, Jeremy, she didn’t really care. This was all so stupid. Boys were stupid. Especially boys who were so completely obviously in love each other but were too scared of themselves to get it together. That had to end soon.
She didn’t even hear the keys in the lock or the door open. It was just like all of a sudden he was standing in the living room. Wrinkled clothes, unruly hair. Shoulders slumped with three days and twenty-two years of weight.
“Noah?” she wasn’t sure why she needed to confirm it was him.
He dropped his keys onto the table by the door and just stood there, arms hanging at his sides, not looking at her.
And to hell with that. All the worry and fury of the past few days crept back in. “Where have you been?” she snapped. “In what universe did you think this was a good plan? Do you have any idea how upset we’ve all been? Do you? Do you care at all how-”
“No,” Noah spoke more to the carpet than to her. “I don’t care anymore.” His voice was hoarse, heavy.
“Well, that’s stupid,” she glared. “Was running away supposed to solve something? Make anything better? Because it didn’t. It made everything worse and I just can’t...” she trailed off when he finally glanced up at her. He was pale, his face rough with stubble and exhaustion. And his eyes...
They were red from too little of some things and too much of others. “Go home, Ameera, please. Just stop.”
That look. She’d seen it one other time before, not longer after they had moved into that cottage years ago. When he and Luke had fought, when Luke had stormed out and Noah had collapsed onto the sofa, looking lost and confused. Resigned. “Stop what?” she demanded, her worry making her upset again. “Stop yelling at you?”
He was quiet for a moment. “Stop trying. Stop pret-” He stopped, tried to start again. “It’s not gonna...” it was Noah’s turn to trail off. He looked down again.
Ameera shook her head, blinking her eyes dry for a second, and then moved quickly over to him. She needed to do what she should have done years ago, months ago, maybe every day since. Before he could step back she grabbed him, wrapped him in the biggest hug she could muster. He held still at first, unmoving, unmoved. But she just held on tighter, rubbing a hand up and down the tense muscles of his back.
And then, slowly, he brought his arms up to hug her in return, his head coming down to rest on her shoulder. Bit by bit his breaths got quicker and quicker, his chest shuddering against hers. And then she felt the tears soaking through her shirt.
“Oh, Noah,” she whispered. “You can’t get rid me, habibi. And I’m not getting rid of you. You’re always going to have people care about you. That’s for life. Forever. You can’t hide from it.”
“Couldn’t be here,” he mumbled into her shoulder. “Needed room to breathe. I can’t do it anymore.”
And boy, did she really want to know what that meant. But now most definitely wasn’t the time. “Have you eaten at all? I’m going to get you some food. Just rest here for a little bit, okay?” He let her drag him over to the couch and sat down when she gently pushed him into the cushions. “Akhi, have- have you talked to Luke?”
He nodded. Still looking down at the floor. “Texted him. He’s on his way, probably.”
Definitely, she wanted to correct him. Luke had been positively frantic when he showed up in LA yesterday. Confused, upset, a little misguided and a lot stupid, too. Ameera reached out and brushed her hand through Noah’s disheveled hair. “Why don’t you lie down until he gets here?” she suggested.
He nodded but didn’t really move. At all. With a sad sigh and sadder smile, she grasped his shoulders and maneuvered his upper body down to lie horizontal on the couch. He didn’t protest or fight it, allowing her to slip a pillow under his head and tug on his outer shirt until his arms slid free of the sleeves, leaving him in the thin t-shirt underneath.
She had just set down a mug of tea on the coffee table, a peanut butter and kiwi sandwich next to it (and seriously? That was gross, no matter how often he tried to convince her otherwise), when there was a soft knock at the door. Really soft, like the person on the other side was half-hoping no one would answer.
Well. Screw that.
Ameera glanced over at the still semi-comatose Noah and then marched determinedly over to the front door, yanking it open. Luke was a little taken aback when he first saw her, but gathered himself together quickly. “Is he...?”
She nodded. “He’s here. And he’s okay, physically.” Luke tried to hide a wince at that, but she saw it anyway. Stepping back, she ushered him into the apartment. “He’s on the couch. I made him a sandwich, but I don’t think he’ll eat it. I’m not sure if he’s slept all that much either.”
Luke shook his head, running a hand through his hair. “Well, that makes six of us,” he only half-joked. He peered over her shoulder towards the tiny living room. “I, uh, guess I should-”
“Luke.” Ameera leveled him with a stare. “If you don’t talk this all out, right now, today, I’ll...” she let out a sigh, wondering what the biggest threat was she could make. “I’ll find a way to keep you two apart, until it doesn’t hurt either of you so much. Or,” she attempted a smile. “I’ll tell your grandmothers what’s going on.”
Luke let out a surprised laugh, weary and resigned. “Yes ma’am,” he saluted half-heartedly.
She grabbed her purse and moved back to the front door. “Any idea what you’re going to say?” she asked, voice softer. They hadn’t really had a chance to talk this whole time. After Luke found out Noah had disappeared, he’d been on the first flight out to LA, and they’d spent most of the time since then trying to find him, not trying to find a solution.
If there was one.
As thought echoing her thoughts, Luke shrugged. “None whatsoever,” he admitted. Then he looked her in the eye. “But I’m going to try,” he vowed.
“Good,” she smiled again before stepping out of the apartment, leaving them alone inside. She was about to head out to the parking lot, but a sudden thought popped into her brain. There was one more person who needed some friend-time today, and maybe a hug. She turned around and walked over to Jeremy’s door.
Maybe everything was still salvageable, she told herself. If any two people could find a way, it was those two.
Right?
************
Luke took a moment to steady himself, pausing in the doorway of the living room. He took the moment to watch Noah, too, getting himself over that little shock he always got seeing Noah so he’d be ready to talk.
Not many people could look beautiful and horrible at the same time. Noah had kicked off his shoes and socks, left in jeans in a t-shirt, and was curled up on the couch, legs tucked under him, looking so small. He was holding a mug close to his chest, and when he set it back down on the coffee table next to an untouched sandwich, Luke could see that his hands were shaking.
“Noah,” he called out softly, staying in the doorway. In an instant, Luke saw those hands stop shaking. Locking out weakness. Putting up a front. It was all either of them did anymore, wasn’t it? Things just got so fucking complicated...
Noah looked up at him, and about a thousand different emotions passed between the two of them. Concern, hurt, fear, anger, and (damn it) love. Luke pushed himself forward, gingerly sitting down on the couch next to him. Noah just watched, holding himself still.
Finally, the impatient instincts in Luke’s brain won over, and he turned to face Noah, smacking him hard on the arm. Before Noah could react, Luke threw his arms around him, burying his face in the side of Noah’s shoulder. “Don’t you ever fucking do that again. Ever,” he stressed the words. “You scared the crap out of us, Noah.”
Noah leaned into his arms, but didn’t return the hug. “’Meera yelled at me.”
“Good,” Luke got himself to chuckle, pulling back so they were sitting side by side again. “Casey and Maddie and Ali probably will too. You’re lucky my mom didn’t find out, you know.”
Noah’s lips turned up in the tiniest of smiles, but he said nothing.
Luke tried again. “I think... I think I get why you took off. I do. But you can’t. You have ties to people, Noah. And despite what the phrase says, it’s impossible to sever them. Okay? You can’t-”
“You can’t do this, Luke,” Noah finally said. His voice was calm, but just as small as he looked.
“Do what?”
“You wanted to cut me off from you. From your ‘personal life,’” Noah spat out the words, quoting something Luke had said to him on Facebook the night all this drama went down. “I’m not allowed to care what goes on with you. I’m not allowed to get upset you’re kissing some other guy that’s not me. You said so. So you can’t get upset at me for anything I do. It’s only fair.”
What about any of this is fair? Luke wanted to yell. But he stayed quiet. The whole apartment was quiet. “What happened with Gavin isn’t what you think,” he tried again. “He’s a friend. A med student I met working on the hospital wing. We went for lunch and he kissed me out of nowhere. That’s what Jade saw, and that’s what she decided to broadcast all over the internet. And yeah, maybe I kissed him back for like a second, but neither of us are innocent in that department.”
Noah stared down at his hands, turning them over and over in his lap. “What happened with Jeremy that night wasn’t about revenge,” he argued, strained.
“Then what was it about?” Luke prompted.
Noah glared, but it was still directed down at himself. “Being with someone who actually wants to be with me. I wanted to feel that again.” He shook his head, not knowing he had just punched Luke in the chest with that revelation. “And I’m a horrible, shitty person for taking advantage of how Jeremy may feel about me. But you know what? None of it should matter to you. If you don’t want me anymore, then you can’t-”
“Hey,” Luke cut that sentence off before it could finish. “I never said that.”
“Yes you did. This summer. Back before I moved here.”
Luke flinched, remembering that horrible, painful, stupid conversation. “It’s me, Noah. You know I say stuff I don’t mean when I’m upset. I didn’t mean it then, and I don’t mean it now. Me loving you was never the-”
It was Noah’s turn to interrupt. “I told you how many times that I love you? And that I’d wait for you, forever. Why would you let me leave and come out here, thinking there was hope, if you didn’t want that too?”
“Because, Noah,” he tried to get Noah to look at him, but it was nearly impossible. “Because no matter how much I love you, what I feel, I know I can’t be that selfish right now. Not when you’re getting your life so together. I have nothing figured out for myself. I can’t hold you back. It,” he took a breath, “It doesn’t matter what I want.”
“It matters to me,” Noah replied softly.
“I- Noah, I...” he reached out, pulled back, then reached out again, bringing one of Noah’s hands into both of his. For a second he felt it shake, and for some reason that made him feel better. “Look at my life, Noah. Look at me.” He squeezed that hand. “Look at me.”
Finally, Noah lifted his gaze up to meet Luke’s. “It matters to me,” he repeated.
Luke shook his head. “For way too long, I made my whole world about what relationship I was in, what I was doing in it, what it was doing to me. It was self-centered and immature, and I still need to learn from it. Now I’m in no relationship, and- and I’ve stalled, Noah.” He rubbed his fingers lightly around Noah’s. “I don’t want that for you.”
“What about what I want?” now that he was looking at Luke, his eyes were so intense it burned. Like fire.
“You want to be your own person,” Luke pointed out gently. “You want to be able to trust yourself to take care of things before you trust others to take care of you. And I think, finally, I understand that. Your life here shouldn’t get dragged down by always...I don’t know... waiting or wondering about me.” He took Noah’s other hand so he held both. “I’m trying to do what’s best for you.”
Noah’s eyes were bright, and he blinked hard a few times. “I think we disagree on what’s best for me.”
Luke bit his lip. God. Why couldn’t any of this be easy? Why couldn’t he just have what he wanted- Noah- and ignore everything else? “Maybe. Doesn’t change how I feel.”
Noah pulled his hands away, clasping them tight in his lap again. “So that’s it? We’re done? We’re full-on, official ex-boyfriends now? You go back to Oakdale, and I wait for a few random emails updating me on your life? Hear about you from when your dad calls to check on me? Or from Casey?”
The word ‘ex-boyfriends’ sounded like the ugliest word in the world. “No,” he answered without thinking. Then, backtracking, “I don’t know.”
Noah stood up, the fire spreading from his eyes to the rest of his body. He paced in front of the sofa. “Well, know what I know? I’m not done, Luke. With you. And you can do whatever you want, you always do, but I’m not going to stop waiting. Because I love you and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t care how many times I humiliate myself, or how many times I say I love you and don’t hear it back. I don’t care. You being stupid right now doesn’t change how I feel. Okay?”
Luke stared. Part of him, the part watching this from outside, wanted to just smile at Noah. Because look at him- Noah really was growing up. He really was so much stronger and confident than people, even him, gave him credit for. Moments like this gave a glimpse of the man Noah was going to become. The fact that Luke maybe played a small part in getting him there made him feel prouder than any work he’d done with the foundation. Noah was... was...
So that was what the sappy part of his brain was thinking. He had no idea what the rest of him was thinking, because a second later he was standing up to, marching over to Noah, grabbing his face, and kissing him. Like they hadn’t kissed in months, like how they used to. And Noah hesitated for less than a second before kissing him back, gripping his arms, his mouth opening and forming to Luke’s.
What started out hurried and crazed slowed soon enough, until their lips just barely touched, foreheads brushed together. Noah took a deep breath that shook like his hands, like all of him. “Luke...?”
It was the question in his tone that had Luke coming back to his senses. He stepped back, letting go, opening his mouth to say something and shutting it again. He had no idea what to say. He had no idea what he had just said by kissing Noah.
Luckily, and of course, Noah found a way to rescue him. Rubbing the side of his face with one hand, he took his own step back. “I’ve been driving for like three days. I can barely see straight. I’m going to take a quick shower, okay? And then, um, maybe we could order some food and talk some more?”
“Yeah,” Luke whispered. He cleared his throat. “Okay.”
“Okay,” Noah echoed. He walked backwards a few steps, as though unwilling to let Luke out of his sight just yet. “Okay.” He offered that small, pained smile one more time, and then disappeared down the hall.
Luke kept staring at the spot where Noah had been standing. Where they had been kissing. Where, for a minute, Luke had decided to throw away the whole plan and stay in LA with Noah. But he couldn’t do that. Not right now, not to Noah. Luke loved him more than anything, but he knew if he stayed here, if he waited for Noah to get out of the shower and they talked... It went against everything Noah needed right now.
He turned, and instead of heading back to the couch he went to the front door instead. He paused as he opened it, glancing back towards where he could hear the shower running. This was going to hurt Noah, he knew that, but in the long run it was for the best.
He grabbed a piece of paper, scribbled a note, and stuck it by Noah’s keys. It was all he could do. And then he was out the door.
I’m sorry, I’ll call you. I love you.
THE END. ISH.
Author: carolinablu85
Characters: Luke/Noah, Jeremy (OC), Ameera
Rating: R for language, A for angst
Word Count: 6,450
Warning: some angst, some Noah/OMC
Summary: I find a fatal flaw/ In the logic of love/ And go out of my head. (set in Dec 2010)
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Less than nothing. Negative nothing. Not even Jeremy or half the stuff that happens here! :) Thanks, Twitter friends.
A/N: Another for my series of “C” One-Shots! Based on events from the RPG on both Twitter and Facebook. For aimezetmusique , who wanted some Neremy and some PredictablEllAngst. (Title of fic is taken from an awesome, and freakishly appropriate, song by the Shins)
A/N 2: A quick refresher, habibi is Arabic for ‘my dear’ or ‘sweetheart,’ and akhi is Arabic for ‘my brother.’
Jeremy had heard the phrase ‘playing with fire’ before, though he’d always dismissed it as cliché. But not anymore. Or maybe he’d just never gotten it until now.
Noah was fire. And this was dangerous.
Of course, Noah was also very very drunk and not slowing down anytime soon, no matter how many times Jeremy tried to take the bottle of JD away. It didn’t help that Noah had Go-Go-Gadget arms and always managed to hold the bottle out of Jeremy’s reach. It didn’t help that he was checking Facebook every twenty seconds and getting more and more depressed.
It didn’t help that he looked so goddamn good in that shirt that Jeremy had to force himself not to stare. He felt horrible for ogling when his friend was going through something so messed up, but...
No. He shoved those thoughts away. He was a little drunk too, but that didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered right now was getting Noah through tonight, getting him to let go of the whiskey bottle (the second of the night, they’d split the first one), and getting him away from the computer.
“Noah, buddy, come on,” he held out his hand again. “Why don’t you call it a night and get some sleep?”
Noah stared at his outstretched hand, studying it like he wasn’t actually sure what it was there for. “Not. Tired,” he stated firmly.
“I think sleep would be a good idea anyway,” Jeremy inched closer, keeping himself steady. “Hey, you can even stay here on the couch if you don’t want to go back to your place, okay? Just, just put the computer away.”
“Luke kissed somebody else,” Noah informed him, taking another long gulp from the bottle.
“I... I know, Noah. I’m sorry,” he had no idea what else to say. So he said exactly what he’s said every time Noah informed him of this tonight like it was a new development.
“And know why I know I should be upset?” Noah pointed at him as though he didn’t already have Jeremy’s attention. “B’cause he didn’t tell me. We tell each other everthing, except whenever Luke wants to kiss someone else. Right?”
Jeremy winced. He still didn’t know the whole story about Luke and Noah’s doctor, he wasn’t sure if Ameera did either, but he knew enough to get the reference. “Noah, you
don’t know that’s what this is. We don’t know the whole story. Come on, let me walk you back to your place.”
Noah was still looking at his computer. “I got upset he kissed someone else, and he jus’ like, waved that away,” he demonstrated with his own hand. “Got mad at me for being upset. Made me feel stupid for it. What does that mean?”
“I don’t know,” Jeremy said, managing to pull the now pretty-much empty bottle of whiskey away.
“Maybe he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, for real,” Noah mused, not even realizing what Jeremy had done. “Only people who want to be with me are freaks, did you know that? Mason, Zac, not Luke...”
He put his hand on Noah’s shoulder, rubbing consolingly. “I don’t think that’s true,” he said softly. Shaking his head, ridding himself of that train of thought, “Can you make it back to your place?”
Noah shook his head. “It’s empty down there. Don’t want to.”
He ignored the buzz of his cell phone, seemingly getting more and more insistent with each incoming text message. A few from Casey, a few from Ameera (he was more than a little surprised she hadn’t knocked on the door yet), Alison, Maddie... Every few seconds, another buzz telling him that there was a fierce, vocal group of people who would kill him if something bad happened to Noah tonight.
“Okay then, you can stay here on the couch,” he kept his voice slow and soothing, hoping with half a mind that it would put Noah to sleep.
No such luck. “Your couch’s too small,” Noah frowned.
Which, okay, was true. Noah barely fit on this thing even without the liquor making him all limbs and clumsiness. “All right then buddy,” he emphasized the ‘buddy,’ as though Noah would really be analyzing his words right now. “You take my bed, okay? I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“‘S too small for you too!” Noah pointed out, voice almost, almost, cheerful.
Jeremy sighed. A part of him- the part fueled by alcohol- could see where this was possibly going, but he had to put up a fight. His conscience (and everyone texting him) would hate him otherwise. He would hate him otherwise. “I’ll manage. Let’s just get you into bed.”
He pulled Noah up, both of them nearly tumbling over when Noah got to his feet. Breathing a little more harshly, Noah wrapped both arms around Jeremy, holding on tight for balance. “Whoa,” he mumbled.
“Easy,” Jeremy murmured, keeping his hold on Noah secure. “Take it easy.”
“Sorry,” Noah attempted to take a few steps as Jeremy prodded him along.
“Don’t worry, it’s okay,” he answered, more concerned with getting Noah lying down and getting him through this night.
Noah shook momentarily, in what was probably supposed to be a laugh but sounded way too empty and dark. “What’s okay?”
Jeremy couldn’t answer. He got Noah down onto his bed and went into the kitchen for some aspirin and watered-down Gatorade. He answered a few more texts from Casey, mostly about hangover cures, and was just about to head back to the bedroom when one more text from Ameera came through. Get him off the computer. NOW.
That got him moving. He almost dropped the stuff in his hands as he rushed back to his bedroom. “Noah?” He came to a standstill in the doorway.
Noah had somehow managed to not only get the laptop out, but find Facebook and sign on. Jeremy was impressed in spite of the situation. But the look on Noah’s face stopped any joke he might say.
“Noah?” he tried again.
It was devastation, pure and simple. One thing alcohol was good for with Noah, it always lowered his defenses. All those walls and barriers he kept between him and everything else got knocked down when liquor was involved. Like right now.
“Hey,” Jeremy slowly got closer, sitting on the edge of the bed. “What-”
“’S over. He doesn’t... doesn’t want me,” Noah was still staring at the computer screen.
Jeremy reached over, gently pulling the laptop away. He scanned the words on the posts, finally seeing what Noah was talking about. Noah asking Luke flat-out if he wanted Noah to wait for him. Luke... saying no. Oh. Well. Shit.
“Fuck,” he breathed out. No, no, no. This was all wrong. Luke wasn’t supposed to say something like that. He was supposed to drag things out and make Noah crazy and emo, but always love him. And show up in LA in just enough time to make Jeremy feel awkward and jealous for a week or two. But he was always supposed to end up with Noah. This was all wrong.
“Yep,” Noah leaned back against the headboard, eyes closed. “Guess that’s that.”
“I’m so sorry,” he said as he set the computer aside, sitting next to him on the bed. He carefully put an arm around Noah’s shoulders, pulling him close, hoping to comfort.
Noah’s head dropped down to his chest with an almost audible thump. “Not your fault. Probably mine. Usually is.”
“Thinking like that won’t help,” Jeremy spoke softly, rubbing his shoulder.
Noah drew in a deep breath like he was going to argue, but his chest shuddered instead, almost choking him. Without hesitating, Jeremy pulled him closer, wrapping both arms around him. He hugged him tight, feeling Noah shake. “It’s going to be okay,” he whispered. “Whatever happens, you’ll get through it. I know it.”
Noah shook his head, face buried in Jeremy’s shoulder. “’Cause I always do?” he asked bitterly.
Jeremy tilted his head sideways, knocking it lightly into Noah’s. “’Cause I’ll help you.”
Noah shook his head again. “Sorry you’re caught up in this. It sucks.”
He laughed a little. “Yeah, it sucks. But you’re my friend. You’ve been there for me. Why wouldn’t I be here? Besides the fact that I live here.”
It sounded like Noah tried to laugh for a second. “Luke’s everything to me,” he said. “A big, giant everything. How do I do any of this... when he doesn’t want me to be a part of his life?”
He ran a hand up and down Noah’s back. “I don’t know, man,” he said softly, wishing there was something he could do to fix this. “I don’t know Luke, I don’t know why he said what he did. But I don’t think it’s because he hates you or wants you out of his life and all that. I just don’t, Noah.”
“Yeah?” Noah’s tone was still so bitter. And drunk. “Glad you think so. From four months of-”
“Hey,” Jeremy grabbed Noah’s face, pulling him up so he could look him in the eyes. “I don’t know Luke, but I know you. Anyone cutting you out of their life? Doesn’t deserve you.”
Okay, maybe he pulled Noah’s face a little too close. Because it seemed like suddenly they were nose to nose and eye to eye and Jeremy couldn’t see anything in the room past those damn bright blue eyes.
“Noah...” he was going to say something. He totally was. He wasn’t sure what, and he wasn’t sure why, but he knew he should.
He was going to, but Noah’s mouth on his stopped any train of thought he might possibly have. Noah. Noah was kissing him. Pretty fucking well, too.
After a moment frozen still, Jeremy gave into it; he couldn’t deny that he’d wanted to do this pretty much since the day he’d met his new neighbor. The incredibly sweet and incredibly gorgeous guy who looked liked he’d seen everything and nothing in his short life already. God, Jeremy should never ever fall for the wounded-puppy types. Ever.
Unless they kiss like this...
Noah’s hands were working as fast as his lips, one threaded through Jeremy’s hair, the other gripping his shirt at the small of his back, pushing it up just slightly. He tried to say something, anything, but Noah was there again, kissing him harder if that was possible.
And then Noah made this noise, this soft, almost inaudible moan. And fuck if Jeremy couldn’t help responding to it. He wanted to be noble, he wanted to get Noah to sleep and call Ameera and figure out what to do tomorrow, but there was only so much ‘good guy’ in him. And right now the alcohol, the frustration, and the fucking hot guy kissing him won out.
He moaned himself, his own hands sliding down Noah’s face to his chest, his sides, down to the bottom of his shirt. He was barely aware of opening his mouth at Noah’s silent insistence, more focused on getting that shirt off and out of the way.
And, okay. Seeing Noah shirtless was one thing. Feeling him shirtless was something entirely new. Jeremy wasn’t one to let a good opportunity go to waste. He tossed Noah’s shirt to the floor, slowly pressing him forward until Noah was on his back on the bed, Jeremy hovering over him, their mouths more than fused together.
Noah’s hands were still on him too, the side of his face, sliding under his shirt, and Jeremy took that as the encouragement he needed. He braced one forearm on the bed next to Noah, keeping his balance, while his other hand landed firmly on Noah’s chest, soaking up the heat and sweat, drawing out shudders. He took his time, trailing it slowly down his stomach, tracing along the dips and lines of his abdomen, down to the zipper of his jeans, pulling it down, reaching-
It took him a second to realize Noah was no longer under him. He shook himself more aware, breathing harshly, sitting up. Somehow Noah was on the other side of the room, breathing just as hard, looking just as confused. And way, way panicked.
“Noah, I-”
“Fuck. Fuck,” Noah was scrambling to pull his shirt back on, nearly getting his arm caught in a sleeve. “Fuck. I have to go.”
“Are you sure you’re-” Jeremy wanted to punch himself in the face (You idiot! Ameera’s going to kill you!), but he also knew he probably shouldn’t push Noah right now.
“I have to go,” Noah insisted. He was zipping up his jeans, glancing wildly around the room, anywhere but at Jeremy. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I have to...” He was gone before the sentence could finish.
Jeremy stared at the air where Noah had been, unable to move. To think. Finally, after an eternity or two of being frozen, he was able to flop backwards onto the bed, groaning out the one word that summed up this entire night. “Fuck.”
Tomorrow. As soon as he could, he’d talk to Noah tomorrow. They could fix this.
They had to.
************
He didn’t know what to do.
Noah wished he could be on autopilot, just have his brain stop working and stop torturing him with fifty million different thoughts. Part of him really thought he should be numb right now, but he wasn’t. He felt like he was being electrocuted, a few volts stinging at a time, all over his body.
He had just kissed- pretty much hooked up with- Jeremy. The one person, besides Ameera, who’d been there for him day in and day out since he moved to LA. Jeremy, who was confident without being pushy, straightforward and secure but laidback, understanding, giving.
Who had freely admitted a few nights ago that he was attracted to Noah, but in no way pressured him to respond. And fuck, Noah had kissed him tonight. Almost slept with him. What kind of a friend was he? He had almost-
Noah stopped that thought right then and there. He couldn’t acknowledge that one. He couldn’t. He couldn’t admit that it felt like he had just cheated on Luke.
Another jolt hit him, like a hot poker going through his chest. Luke really didn’t want him anymore. He went out with another guy, kissed him, and told Noah he didn’t want him to wait. He was really and truly done with Noah.
And Noah didn’t know how to handle that.
He thought back on everything that had happened tonight and almost couldn’t breathe. Wow, he had humiliated himself spectacularly. In front of his friends, Jeremy, Luke...
See, this was why he didn’t open up or ‘put himself out there’ as Ali used to say. This was why- he always found that perfect way to screw everything up. Tonight even proved that he could fuck things up beyond repair. This was why people shouldn’t show their weaknesses. It hurt too damn much. Made it too hard to breathe.
He had to get away, he realized. He had to. He had no idea how to go on from this, and he wasn’t going to be able to figure it out here- with Ameera likely to drop by anytime, with Jeremy right down the hall, with Luke... well, Luke didn’t matter anymore, did he?
Yes he does, that’s the problem. Noah shook all over. His apartment had ‘trying so hard not to think about Luke except it’s all you do’ written all over it. He needed somewhere to clear his head. Regroup. And Anywhere-But-Here was sounding like his only option right now.
He realized he was still standing in the hallway in front of his door, so he turned away. His feet hurried him to the stairwell, the garage, the Jeep Wrangler he had finally managed to buy last month. He had to get away. Figure out a way to control himself, understand himself. He couldn’t show his face until that was sorted.
...
It could’ve been hours, but he was pretty sure it was at least a day before he finally stopped for rest. He was sitting in the car in the parking lot of a Motel 6 somewhere possibly off the 101 freeway, he wasn’t sure. He also didn’t really care. The building was drab and boring and perfectly forgettable. Just what he wanted. If only he could work up the energy to get out of the Jeep.
He must have done it eventually, because the next time he came to his senses he was inside one of the motel rooms, sitting on the floor next to the bed. Why he wasn’t in the bed, he didn’t know.
His phone buzzed again, and he had to admit he was surprised the battery had lasted this long. He still had no idea who the messages or missed calls were from, because he couldn’t bring himself to check. Probably Jeremy, maybe Ameera if Jeremy had told her anything.
His arms were weighing a hundred pounds by this point, but he reached out anyway, flipping open his phone. Whoa. Jeremy and Ameera had called him, but so had Casey and Ali. And Maddie. Even Aaron. What? Had he been that messed up that everyone could tell and felt the need to tell him so?
After the missed calls were a slew of texts and messages in his inbox. Dozens. From all of them. Starting out comforting, then getting worried, then angry. Noah flinched. Were they mad at him for getting drunk and fighting with Luke? Hooking up with Jeremy? Or for leaving? But he had to leave, why couldn’t they understand that?
Still, his conscience wouldn’t let him have his friends worried, so he pulled up Ameera’s name and sent her a quick message. Basically letting her know he was alive so she wouldn’t have to worry anymore.
After that he managed to get himself upright, take a shower in the motel’s semi-warm water, and then fall back onto the bed. He checked his phone again, and was more than shocked. Enough to sit up, eyes wide. The world had exploded in the last hour. Luke and Jeremy were now fighting on Facebook, sniping back and forth at each other. Arguing about what was best for Noah. Best for him.
The weariness gave way suddenly into anger. Fuck them. It didn’t matter what they thought, it was his goddamn life and they didn’t get to decide anything. Either of them. He watched them go at each other, compulsively clicking the refresh button as it got more and more heated. Jeremy accusing Luke of leading Noah on, Luke telling Jeremy to mind his own business. Jeremy trying to get Luke to say flat-out whether or not he still had feelings for Noah. Luke avoiding the answer.
Noah shook his head, suddenly having to go click away from the page. He didn’t want to see Luke finally admitting what they both already knew- he wasn’t right for Luke anymore. Noah had lost his chance to try proving otherwise. Luke probably knew he and Jeremy had kissed. Jeremy probably knew now how much trouble Noah could be.
He found more messages from Ameera, getting more and more angry with him. He saw Casey’s posts scolding both Jeremy and Luke, and him. Another text from Maddie calling him stupid.
Noah sat back on the bed. He watched all the words pile up on each other, and it felt like the words were piling on him. His friends were getting more annoyed and angry with him, with each other, with everything. He wondered if there was even a point to going back.
This wasn’t how his life was supposed to turn out.
************
Ameera always remembered her mother, whenever she was upset or bothered by something, would clean their house like a crazy woman. An uncluttered house makes for an uncluttered mind, she would say.
Noah’s apartment wasn’t ever cluttered, but she hoped that cleaning it would generate enough karma to fix this mess of a situation. She hoped her mother, wherever she was, was adding some good energy so Ameera could help the small bit of family she had left. Noah was her family. And she couldn’t let him down.
She scrubbed the window pane one last time, finally deciding it was streak-free. She had been staring at this window for three days. He’d been gone for three days. If it weren’t for the fact that he had sent her a quick text this morning saying he was on his way back, she’d be breaking out the Swiffer right now.
She had no idea when exactly he would get here, so all she could do was make sure his apartment was clean and cozy when he got back so he wouldn’t be tempted to leave ever again. Because she couldn’t handle that again.
And she would kill someone if it happened again. Noah, Luke, Jeremy, she didn’t really care. This was all so stupid. Boys were stupid. Especially boys who were so completely obviously in love each other but were too scared of themselves to get it together. That had to end soon.
She didn’t even hear the keys in the lock or the door open. It was just like all of a sudden he was standing in the living room. Wrinkled clothes, unruly hair. Shoulders slumped with three days and twenty-two years of weight.
“Noah?” she wasn’t sure why she needed to confirm it was him.
He dropped his keys onto the table by the door and just stood there, arms hanging at his sides, not looking at her.
And to hell with that. All the worry and fury of the past few days crept back in. “Where have you been?” she snapped. “In what universe did you think this was a good plan? Do you have any idea how upset we’ve all been? Do you? Do you care at all how-”
“No,” Noah spoke more to the carpet than to her. “I don’t care anymore.” His voice was hoarse, heavy.
“Well, that’s stupid,” she glared. “Was running away supposed to solve something? Make anything better? Because it didn’t. It made everything worse and I just can’t...” she trailed off when he finally glanced up at her. He was pale, his face rough with stubble and exhaustion. And his eyes...
They were red from too little of some things and too much of others. “Go home, Ameera, please. Just stop.”
That look. She’d seen it one other time before, not longer after they had moved into that cottage years ago. When he and Luke had fought, when Luke had stormed out and Noah had collapsed onto the sofa, looking lost and confused. Resigned. “Stop what?” she demanded, her worry making her upset again. “Stop yelling at you?”
He was quiet for a moment. “Stop trying. Stop pret-” He stopped, tried to start again. “It’s not gonna...” it was Noah’s turn to trail off. He looked down again.
Ameera shook her head, blinking her eyes dry for a second, and then moved quickly over to him. She needed to do what she should have done years ago, months ago, maybe every day since. Before he could step back she grabbed him, wrapped him in the biggest hug she could muster. He held still at first, unmoving, unmoved. But she just held on tighter, rubbing a hand up and down the tense muscles of his back.
And then, slowly, he brought his arms up to hug her in return, his head coming down to rest on her shoulder. Bit by bit his breaths got quicker and quicker, his chest shuddering against hers. And then she felt the tears soaking through her shirt.
“Oh, Noah,” she whispered. “You can’t get rid me, habibi. And I’m not getting rid of you. You’re always going to have people care about you. That’s for life. Forever. You can’t hide from it.”
“Couldn’t be here,” he mumbled into her shoulder. “Needed room to breathe. I can’t do it anymore.”
And boy, did she really want to know what that meant. But now most definitely wasn’t the time. “Have you eaten at all? I’m going to get you some food. Just rest here for a little bit, okay?” He let her drag him over to the couch and sat down when she gently pushed him into the cushions. “Akhi, have- have you talked to Luke?”
He nodded. Still looking down at the floor. “Texted him. He’s on his way, probably.”
Definitely, she wanted to correct him. Luke had been positively frantic when he showed up in LA yesterday. Confused, upset, a little misguided and a lot stupid, too. Ameera reached out and brushed her hand through Noah’s disheveled hair. “Why don’t you lie down until he gets here?” she suggested.
He nodded but didn’t really move. At all. With a sad sigh and sadder smile, she grasped his shoulders and maneuvered his upper body down to lie horizontal on the couch. He didn’t protest or fight it, allowing her to slip a pillow under his head and tug on his outer shirt until his arms slid free of the sleeves, leaving him in the thin t-shirt underneath.
She had just set down a mug of tea on the coffee table, a peanut butter and kiwi sandwich next to it (and seriously? That was gross, no matter how often he tried to convince her otherwise), when there was a soft knock at the door. Really soft, like the person on the other side was half-hoping no one would answer.
Well. Screw that.
Ameera glanced over at the still semi-comatose Noah and then marched determinedly over to the front door, yanking it open. Luke was a little taken aback when he first saw her, but gathered himself together quickly. “Is he...?”
She nodded. “He’s here. And he’s okay, physically.” Luke tried to hide a wince at that, but she saw it anyway. Stepping back, she ushered him into the apartment. “He’s on the couch. I made him a sandwich, but I don’t think he’ll eat it. I’m not sure if he’s slept all that much either.”
Luke shook his head, running a hand through his hair. “Well, that makes six of us,” he only half-joked. He peered over her shoulder towards the tiny living room. “I, uh, guess I should-”
“Luke.” Ameera leveled him with a stare. “If you don’t talk this all out, right now, today, I’ll...” she let out a sigh, wondering what the biggest threat was she could make. “I’ll find a way to keep you two apart, until it doesn’t hurt either of you so much. Or,” she attempted a smile. “I’ll tell your grandmothers what’s going on.”
Luke let out a surprised laugh, weary and resigned. “Yes ma’am,” he saluted half-heartedly.
She grabbed her purse and moved back to the front door. “Any idea what you’re going to say?” she asked, voice softer. They hadn’t really had a chance to talk this whole time. After Luke found out Noah had disappeared, he’d been on the first flight out to LA, and they’d spent most of the time since then trying to find him, not trying to find a solution.
If there was one.
As thought echoing her thoughts, Luke shrugged. “None whatsoever,” he admitted. Then he looked her in the eye. “But I’m going to try,” he vowed.
“Good,” she smiled again before stepping out of the apartment, leaving them alone inside. She was about to head out to the parking lot, but a sudden thought popped into her brain. There was one more person who needed some friend-time today, and maybe a hug. She turned around and walked over to Jeremy’s door.
Maybe everything was still salvageable, she told herself. If any two people could find a way, it was those two.
Right?
************
Luke took a moment to steady himself, pausing in the doorway of the living room. He took the moment to watch Noah, too, getting himself over that little shock he always got seeing Noah so he’d be ready to talk.
Not many people could look beautiful and horrible at the same time. Noah had kicked off his shoes and socks, left in jeans in a t-shirt, and was curled up on the couch, legs tucked under him, looking so small. He was holding a mug close to his chest, and when he set it back down on the coffee table next to an untouched sandwich, Luke could see that his hands were shaking.
“Noah,” he called out softly, staying in the doorway. In an instant, Luke saw those hands stop shaking. Locking out weakness. Putting up a front. It was all either of them did anymore, wasn’t it? Things just got so fucking complicated...
Noah looked up at him, and about a thousand different emotions passed between the two of them. Concern, hurt, fear, anger, and (damn it) love. Luke pushed himself forward, gingerly sitting down on the couch next to him. Noah just watched, holding himself still.
Finally, the impatient instincts in Luke’s brain won over, and he turned to face Noah, smacking him hard on the arm. Before Noah could react, Luke threw his arms around him, burying his face in the side of Noah’s shoulder. “Don’t you ever fucking do that again. Ever,” he stressed the words. “You scared the crap out of us, Noah.”
Noah leaned into his arms, but didn’t return the hug. “’Meera yelled at me.”
“Good,” Luke got himself to chuckle, pulling back so they were sitting side by side again. “Casey and Maddie and Ali probably will too. You’re lucky my mom didn’t find out, you know.”
Noah’s lips turned up in the tiniest of smiles, but he said nothing.
Luke tried again. “I think... I think I get why you took off. I do. But you can’t. You have ties to people, Noah. And despite what the phrase says, it’s impossible to sever them. Okay? You can’t-”
“You can’t do this, Luke,” Noah finally said. His voice was calm, but just as small as he looked.
“Do what?”
“You wanted to cut me off from you. From your ‘personal life,’” Noah spat out the words, quoting something Luke had said to him on Facebook the night all this drama went down. “I’m not allowed to care what goes on with you. I’m not allowed to get upset you’re kissing some other guy that’s not me. You said so. So you can’t get upset at me for anything I do. It’s only fair.”
What about any of this is fair? Luke wanted to yell. But he stayed quiet. The whole apartment was quiet. “What happened with Gavin isn’t what you think,” he tried again. “He’s a friend. A med student I met working on the hospital wing. We went for lunch and he kissed me out of nowhere. That’s what Jade saw, and that’s what she decided to broadcast all over the internet. And yeah, maybe I kissed him back for like a second, but neither of us are innocent in that department.”
Noah stared down at his hands, turning them over and over in his lap. “What happened with Jeremy that night wasn’t about revenge,” he argued, strained.
“Then what was it about?” Luke prompted.
Noah glared, but it was still directed down at himself. “Being with someone who actually wants to be with me. I wanted to feel that again.” He shook his head, not knowing he had just punched Luke in the chest with that revelation. “And I’m a horrible, shitty person for taking advantage of how Jeremy may feel about me. But you know what? None of it should matter to you. If you don’t want me anymore, then you can’t-”
“Hey,” Luke cut that sentence off before it could finish. “I never said that.”
“Yes you did. This summer. Back before I moved here.”
Luke flinched, remembering that horrible, painful, stupid conversation. “It’s me, Noah. You know I say stuff I don’t mean when I’m upset. I didn’t mean it then, and I don’t mean it now. Me loving you was never the-”
It was Noah’s turn to interrupt. “I told you how many times that I love you? And that I’d wait for you, forever. Why would you let me leave and come out here, thinking there was hope, if you didn’t want that too?”
“Because, Noah,” he tried to get Noah to look at him, but it was nearly impossible. “Because no matter how much I love you, what I feel, I know I can’t be that selfish right now. Not when you’re getting your life so together. I have nothing figured out for myself. I can’t hold you back. It,” he took a breath, “It doesn’t matter what I want.”
“It matters to me,” Noah replied softly.
“I- Noah, I...” he reached out, pulled back, then reached out again, bringing one of Noah’s hands into both of his. For a second he felt it shake, and for some reason that made him feel better. “Look at my life, Noah. Look at me.” He squeezed that hand. “Look at me.”
Finally, Noah lifted his gaze up to meet Luke’s. “It matters to me,” he repeated.
Luke shook his head. “For way too long, I made my whole world about what relationship I was in, what I was doing in it, what it was doing to me. It was self-centered and immature, and I still need to learn from it. Now I’m in no relationship, and- and I’ve stalled, Noah.” He rubbed his fingers lightly around Noah’s. “I don’t want that for you.”
“What about what I want?” now that he was looking at Luke, his eyes were so intense it burned. Like fire.
“You want to be your own person,” Luke pointed out gently. “You want to be able to trust yourself to take care of things before you trust others to take care of you. And I think, finally, I understand that. Your life here shouldn’t get dragged down by always...I don’t know... waiting or wondering about me.” He took Noah’s other hand so he held both. “I’m trying to do what’s best for you.”
Noah’s eyes were bright, and he blinked hard a few times. “I think we disagree on what’s best for me.”
Luke bit his lip. God. Why couldn’t any of this be easy? Why couldn’t he just have what he wanted- Noah- and ignore everything else? “Maybe. Doesn’t change how I feel.”
Noah pulled his hands away, clasping them tight in his lap again. “So that’s it? We’re done? We’re full-on, official ex-boyfriends now? You go back to Oakdale, and I wait for a few random emails updating me on your life? Hear about you from when your dad calls to check on me? Or from Casey?”
The word ‘ex-boyfriends’ sounded like the ugliest word in the world. “No,” he answered without thinking. Then, backtracking, “I don’t know.”
Noah stood up, the fire spreading from his eyes to the rest of his body. He paced in front of the sofa. “Well, know what I know? I’m not done, Luke. With you. And you can do whatever you want, you always do, but I’m not going to stop waiting. Because I love you and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t care how many times I humiliate myself, or how many times I say I love you and don’t hear it back. I don’t care. You being stupid right now doesn’t change how I feel. Okay?”
Luke stared. Part of him, the part watching this from outside, wanted to just smile at Noah. Because look at him- Noah really was growing up. He really was so much stronger and confident than people, even him, gave him credit for. Moments like this gave a glimpse of the man Noah was going to become. The fact that Luke maybe played a small part in getting him there made him feel prouder than any work he’d done with the foundation. Noah was... was...
So that was what the sappy part of his brain was thinking. He had no idea what the rest of him was thinking, because a second later he was standing up to, marching over to Noah, grabbing his face, and kissing him. Like they hadn’t kissed in months, like how they used to. And Noah hesitated for less than a second before kissing him back, gripping his arms, his mouth opening and forming to Luke’s.
What started out hurried and crazed slowed soon enough, until their lips just barely touched, foreheads brushed together. Noah took a deep breath that shook like his hands, like all of him. “Luke...?”
It was the question in his tone that had Luke coming back to his senses. He stepped back, letting go, opening his mouth to say something and shutting it again. He had no idea what to say. He had no idea what he had just said by kissing Noah.
Luckily, and of course, Noah found a way to rescue him. Rubbing the side of his face with one hand, he took his own step back. “I’ve been driving for like three days. I can barely see straight. I’m going to take a quick shower, okay? And then, um, maybe we could order some food and talk some more?”
“Yeah,” Luke whispered. He cleared his throat. “Okay.”
“Okay,” Noah echoed. He walked backwards a few steps, as though unwilling to let Luke out of his sight just yet. “Okay.” He offered that small, pained smile one more time, and then disappeared down the hall.
Luke kept staring at the spot where Noah had been standing. Where they had been kissing. Where, for a minute, Luke had decided to throw away the whole plan and stay in LA with Noah. But he couldn’t do that. Not right now, not to Noah. Luke loved him more than anything, but he knew if he stayed here, if he waited for Noah to get out of the shower and they talked... It went against everything Noah needed right now.
He turned, and instead of heading back to the couch he went to the front door instead. He paused as he opened it, glancing back towards where he could hear the shower running. This was going to hurt Noah, he knew that, but in the long run it was for the best.
He grabbed a piece of paper, scribbled a note, and stuck it by Noah’s keys. It was all he could do. And then he was out the door.
I’m sorry, I’ll call you. I love you.
THE END. ISH.