FIC: Once Lost, Now Found (4/5) -Nuke BigBang 2011-
Title: Once Lost, Now Found
Author: carolinablu85
Artist: x_serenade
Rating: eventual NC-17
Disclaimer: I own less than nothing.
Summary: Based on the prompt: What if Luke had met Reid first?
A/N: Thank you to natashaodwalla for the prompt, to BB mods for running this whole shebang with poise and class and hard work, to x_serenade for her beautiful art!, and to all writers and artists who stuck with BigBang and are participating!
CHAPTER 1 | CHAPTER 2 | CHAPTER 3 | CHAPTER 4 | CHAPTER 5
He knew it wasn’t smart for him to be here, especially drinking, especially alone, but the part of Noah that drove him here was the same part that didn’t care. The bigger part of him.
He took another drink of his beer, leaning back in the seat, hoping to blend into the shadows. He was fairly sure he had picked the farthest table back in the corner, or close to it. Sure, for all he knew everyone in the bar was staring at him, but he had gotten pretty good at knowing when he was being watched. Now he just wanted to disappear, at least for the night.
Noah had gotten so good at taking care of himself too, at letting other people help him only on his terms. So how had this happened? How had one insanely pig-headed, surprisingly compassionate person snuck his way in?
And why was it so easy for Luke to get close to him but then... then walk away just as easily? Noah tried to joke, tried telling himself Hey, at least you can’t actually see him leave every time. But he could feel it. It hurt just as much.
Confusion washed through him yet again. Why would Luke care so much, want to hang out with him, kiss him, fuck him, if he didn’t want him? Was it just fascination? Wanting to know what sleeping with a blind guy was like? Or maybe pity, like some sick Make A Wish charity contribution.
Noah shook his head. No. He was pretty sure Luke wasn’t like that, but it still didn’t give him any answers. He wasn’t totally sure there even were answers to find. It sucked. He wished he had never come to this town. It was all giving him a headache, and it was-
“Noah,” a voice full of pleasant surprise that almost sounded genuine spoke up suddenly from near his left shoulder, moving over to the other side of the table.
Noah mustered up a polite smile. “Mason. Hi.”
“Are you here alone?” Mason asked. Noah could feel him sit down at the table, and he wished he had it in him to tell the guy to fuck off. “No L- no Casey?”
Nice recovery, he wanted to say. If it was Luke, he would have. Luke was one of the few people who had ever pushed for- and wanted to know- what was going on in Noah’s head. And understood it. But this wasn’t Luke, far from it. “Just me tonight,” he finally answered. “Needed some time alone.”
He could practically hear the smile. “That doesn’t sound good. Everything okay?”
“I’m fine,” he said automatically. And I guess you don’t know what ‘alone’ means, Professor.
“Oh, I’m sure you are,” Mason agreed smoothly. “I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. I just saw you walk in and thought I’d come over and say hi.”
Noah nodded, half-praying that that really was all Mason wanted to do, more-than-half-knowing it wasn’t. “Okay.”
“This is the first time I’ve seen you outside of our meetings, you know,” he commented casually.
Too casually. Noah was pretty damn good at reading people’s voices, especially since so many people tended to exaggerate their tones when talking to a blind guy. He would never admit it out loud to anyone (except maybe one person), but he always found it really annoying. It wasn’t fair that everyone underestimated everything about him (except maybe one person).
Mason was speaking again. Noah discreetly cracked his knuckles- his way of rolling his eyes- and tried to concentrate again. “-so much in common. I’ve been thinking, lately, that maybe we should.”
He shook himself. “We should... what?”
Mason paused. Noah wondered what his expression looked like right now. Probably something smug. Insufferable, Luke would say.
...Stop thinking about Luke fucking Snyder, he reprimanded himself.
“We should get to know each other better, outside of our work together,” Mason was obviously repeating himself. “What do you say?” Noah felt a hand on his arm. It felt wrong. It was possessive and weak at the same time. It didn’t feel like... “Want to get out of here?”
It didn’t feel like Luke.
Stop thinking about Luke.
“Yeah,” Noah gulped down the last of his beer, sliding the glass away from him. He needed to be away from everything, including his brain. “Yeah. Let’s go.”
***
He slid into the living room as silently as possible, as though he was sneaking in. He wasn’t. Or, didn’t have to, not really. It wasn’t like he was a criminal or anything. Sleeping with someone other than your boyfriend isn’t technically a crime...
“You’re getting in late,” he heard from the kitchen.
“Yeah,” was all he could say back. He didn’t make up an excuse. He couldn’t be a liar on top of being a cheater. You lied to Noah, didn’t you? God fuck damn it.
“There’s some dinner left over if you’re hungry,” Reid emerged, sipping on a mug of something or other. Coffee, probably. He preferred Scotch, Luke knew, but he didn’t keep any in the apartment anymore. Because of Luke. Because they were together, and when you loved-
He cut himself off. “Not really hungry, no.” He glanced almost wildly around the room, needing something to focus on. But that sucked just as much.
Everywhere he looked- Reid’s jacket, one Luke had picked out, hanging by the door. The DVDs they had rented to watch this weekend. Even the damn mug he was drinking from was Luke’s- Natalie had painted it in art class last year.
“Do you want to get out of here?” he asked suddenly. Too many things in this apartment reminded him of the relationship he had just insulted. Debased.
Reid stared at him like he had grown three extra ears. “Get out of here?” he repeated.
Luke shrugged. “Like, go out somewhere. You can get a drink, I can get a fake drink. Talk, hang out somewhere. Anywhere.” Just not here. Not somewhere that’s so you.
Reid narrowed his eyes slightly. “We can do all that here.”
“But we’re always here,” Luke points out. “Let’s, you know, be a couple. Go out.”
“For what reason?” Reid shook his head, settling down on the couch. “To put on a good show for the town? What’s the point?”
“The point,” Luke crossed his arms as though that would hold his body together. He felt ready to explode, and he didn’t know from what exactly. “Is that I want to do something different. I want us to feel like a couple for once.”
Reid frowned at his tone. He knew he was pushing it a little, but... it’d been a long day. “Why now?” his boyfriend snorted. “So you can have another Dear Diary moment?”
“Excuse me?”
He was half-smiling, that look on his face he got when he was trying to be snarky to get out of an uncomfortable situation. “You know, since you’re a ‘writer’ now. Is this all just fodder for the next novel? Or your Blockbuster script you still haven’t written?”
He flinched. Hard. He was writing a script, he just hadn’t told Reid yet. He’d gone to Noah.
Who had supported him.
Encouraged him.
Motivated him.
Loved-
He cut himself off again (on the same word as before). “Fuck you,” he snapped. Reid let one eyebrow raise, enough to show Luke that he was as thrown as he was able to get. “I’m sorry I actually want to spend some time with my boyfriend besides on his crappy couch. I’m so sorry I want more out of our relationship.” He started stomping towards the bedroom.
“God, you’re such a thirteen year old girl sometimes,” Reid groaned. “Don’t tell me you’re going off to write in your journal now.”
Luke took a deep breath, closed his eyes. What the fuck had become of his life? His hand shook, and for a second he wished Reid actually did have Scotch. But no. He’d never let it come to that, not again. Noah would kill him if he dr-
Stop thinking about Noah.
“You know what? Stay here. I’m going for a walk.” He turned again, heading back to the door.
“You just got here,” Reid pointed out, frowning now. Like maybe he wanted Luke to stay. If he would just say that, maybe Luke would.
Can you, um, can you stay the night?
Stop thinking about Noah.
“Yeah, well, now I’m just leaving,” Luke dared his boyfriend to argue, agree, anything. He got nothing in return. “Don’t wait up.”
He wanted to slam the door, but that would’ve been too childish, and Luke was tired of being treated like a child. He adjusted his shirt- God, it was still a little rumpled from being tossed to Noah’s living room floor. Had Reid noticed? Suspected?
What was Noah doing right now?
Luke completely gave up on the ‘not thinking about Noah’ thing. Noah was inevitable. Luke’s feet took him along the path to Old Town, but his brain was traveling back to Noah’s apartment.
Part of Luke knew he’d had to leave there tonight, he couldn’t stay as long as he was still with Reid. Otherwise, in a way, Noah was just his crutch, his shield from reality. His addiction. His alcohol.
No, if he was going to be with Noah, it had to be the right way. They both deserved that.
His feet suddenly slowed. If Noah even wanted it anymore. Luke ran a hand through his hair, clicking his teeth together nervously. Noah had opened up pretty big tonight. Hugely, in fact. He finally told Luke his story (a story that Luke still had trouble fully comprehending, Jesus) and then, well, had been just as vulnerable during sex. Luke wished he could be that brave sometimes.
But he wasn’t. He had run instead. Ditched Noah after all of that. Luke had to admit he was more than a little ashamed of himself. All those times he pushed Noah to open up more, to show more of himself, and he runs when it finally happens. Great. Wonderful.
Life sucked.
Part of him wished, right then, that he could go back in time and somehow not fall for Noah or let him affect him this much. Another part of him wished he could skip ahead to when this drama would finally be over and he could just... know what happens. Skip the hard part.
But then, shockingly- shockingly enough to stop Luke in his tracks- he realized there was another part of him, a larger one, that wanted to do the hard part. He wanted to work and earn whatever was to happen. He thought of his parents, how they kept circling around each other, trying to make their lives work and sometimes failing, but always trying again. He thought of Noah, of all the times something set him back or shoved him down, and how he kept at it.
Luke wanted that too. He wanted to feel that for himself.
Maybe it was because he was standing so still in that moment, or maybe it was because Luke was thinking about him, but all of a sudden he could hear Noah’s voice.
But, like, for real.
“I said leave me alone!”
Luke wasn’t sure if his eyes widened or narrowed, but he felt both fear and this weird protective anger surge through him at the same time. He broke out into an almost-run, heading deeper into Old Town, following that voice. Two blocks from Yo’s, in one of the alleys, he found him.
Them.
Noah was almost but not quite backed up to the wall of the alley. One hand was braced against it, Luke knew so he could keep track of where he was, but the other hand was held up almost defensively, trying to ward off... Mason.
Of fucking course.
“Noah, come on, I just-” luckily Mason didn’t seem to be too pushy. He just wasn’t going away.
“I know what you just,” Noah snapped. His voice was harsh, rough. But empty, too. Luke wanted to wince at the sound. Noah wasn’t supposed to sound like that. Not because of him. “It’s not going to happen.”
“Why the hell did you leave the bar with me then?” Luke had never really heard Mason sound so frustrated before, and he had to fight back a smirk at that. But, also- bar? Noah had been at a bar? Alone? Yeah, that sounded like good news. Fuck, Snyder, if someone had run out on you after all that, wouldn’t you end up at a bar? Shut up, Self.
“I- I don’t...” Noah took a deep breath and another careful step back, away from Mason. His hand still staying in firm contact with the wall. “I shouldn’t have. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I shouldn’t have let you think-”
“That you wanted to kiss me back?” Mason stepped closer to Noah again. Too close. “Or that you wanted to come home with me and-” Way too close.
“Hey,” Luke was finally within reach. “What’s going on?” His eyes narrowed, not only at the way Mason glared at him, but at the way Noah tensed up just as much.
“Of course. Of course you’re here,” Mason hissed.
“Why don’t you back up a few steps?” Luke suggested in a tone that was in no way a suggestion. He forced himself not to immediately barrel between them and stand protectively in front of Noah, just barely succeeding. He had a feeling that even if Noah couldn’t see him do it, he’d still know somehow and be (more) pissed.
After a tense moment where it seemed like Mason was maybe going to go after Noah again, instead he groaned, glared some more, and backed away, almost deliberately slow. Luke gritted his teeth but kept calm. Mostly.
“This isn’t any of your business,” Mason warned.
“Noah told you to leave him alone, so technically he isn’t yours either. Business, I mean,” he added hastily, awkwardly, seeing Noah’s face twist into a darker frown.
“I’m no one’s business,” Noah snapped. “You don’t have to act like I need you.” Luke wasn’t actually sure who he was talking to, and kinda didn’t want to find out.
Mason looked back and forth between the two of them. “You know what? Forget it. And forget both of you. This isn’t worth it.” He turned and stalked out of the alley, brushing past Luke and bumping his shoulder along the way.
Luke was half-tempted to yell out some final remark at him, but his focus went to Noah instead. “Hey, are you-”
Noah stepped away from him quickly, maybe thinking Luke was reaching out to him. “I dropped my cane,” he said, voice a little plaintive but still plenty defiant.
Luke felt a rush of affection and exasperation go through him in equal measure, but hopefully kept it out of his voice. “Here,” he moved around Noah, resisting the urge to touch him (when had that become second nature?) and found the discarded cane on the ground a few feet away, carefully placing it in Noah’s outstretched hand.
“Thank you,” Noah said, probably more out of instinct than anything else. “You can go now. Goodnight.” He unfurled the cane and started walking out of the alley.
“Wait, Noah,” Luke gave chase. “Please, let me just-” his hand landed on Noah’s shoulder.
And was promptly shoved away. “No. Don’t do or say anything,” Noah almost growled. “I can't do this right now.”
“Noah, I-”
“No,” he cut through again. “I just want you to go away, Luke. Please.”
But he couldn’t. Not when Noah was so upset, not when he was trying to hide his hands shaking around their grip on the cane. Not when Mason could be just around the corner, not when Luke was right here. “But I...” Noah looked on the verge of yelling or snapping again, so Luke stopped, shut his mouth. It didn’t stop him from following Noah out of the alley. “At least let me walk you home. I won’t say anything, I won’t try to go inside the building. Just... just let me know you get there safe.”
“I’m not helpless, I know how to get home from here, Luke!” Noah spoke through a deceptively calm voice now, the shaking almost gone.
But it was still there. Enough to keep Luke there. As was the fact that just hearing Noah say his name kept Luke tethered to him somehow. Yeah, I know, this is pretty fucked up. “I’d never think of you as helpless. I won’t say anything, I won’t do anything. I promise. Please, Noah, let me walk you home?”
He watched the muscles in Noah’s cheek and jaw tighten and flex almost compulsively. “I guess I can’t stop you.” He kept walking and made no move to stop Luke from following. Luke’s momentary twinge of victory almost- almost- drowned out the soft question that floated from Noah’s mouth after that. “When could I?”
***
Noah slammed the door hard behind him, fumbled for the knob, opened it, and slammed it again. He kept his hand around the metal, forming to it, squeezing so hard he half-hoped he’d break it off. That would keep the world out, wouldn’t it?
He took a deep breath, as deep as he could, leaning his still-aching head against the door. He hated this. He hated feeling out of sorts like this, he hated the sound of defeat and confusion in Luke’s voice, he hated that he had no control over any of it. How he felt, how Luke felt, how Luke...
No. No. He wasn’t doing this. He was better than this. Stronger. Supposedly smarter. He wasn’t the same dumbass kid he used to be- trailing along behind whoever showed him the littlest bit of affection. Things were always so much simpler when he only had himself to worry about and nobody worried about him. He-
With the smallest growl escaping him, he pushed away from the door. He needed to calm down, but his hands were trembling. Probably leftover adrenaline from the confrontation with Luke, and then whatever the hell that was with Mason, and then Luke again.
How was it that everything now came back to Luke? “Go. Away,” he muttered under his breath, not at all sure who he was talking to.
There was a knock at the door, tentative. It startled Noah, causing him to jump a little. “Noah? It’s me, dude. You in there?” Casey. He wondered if Luke had gone to him, or...
Noah shook his head, wincing when the motion caused his headache to intensify. And then he realized his hands were still shaking. And his head was too. His whole body was. Fuck. No. Not now.
“Noah?” Casey knocked again, but Noah couldn’t have answered him even if he wanted to. Fuck. He tried to make his way to living room, he had a med kit there, if he could just take a few steps and grab it...
His legs gave out from under him, and he crashed hard to the floor, somewhat grateful he didn’t hit his head. Not that he would’ve felt it. His body continued convulsing, muscles tensing every which way, and it was all he could do to let out a semi-strangled cry of pain.
The knocking at the door paused for a second, then got louder. “Noah!” Moments later there was a cracking, splintering sound, and then someone nearby, a hand on his shoulder. “Noah, what-”
He cried out again, his useless eyes rolling back in their sockets. The pain in his head started to overwhelm, choking off his air, his movements, his thoughts. His hands clenched into fists, slamming against the floor, his whole body gathering bruises as it made contact.
“Shit,” a hand grabbed one of his fists, trying to flatten it, to hold it steady. “Hang on, hang on, please,” Casey spoke softly now. There was more movement, then something soft cushioning his head. “You’re gonna be fine, okay? Right?” Then his voice changed direction, like he had turned his head away. “Yeah, I need an ambulance, I think my friend is having a seizure. The address...”
The words faded away to static in Noah’s ears, just like everything else. Noah started to wonder when it was he had gone from Casey’s ‘neighbor’ to ‘friend,’ but then another tidal wave of pain slammed through his head, and he couldn’t think anymore.
If he’d been capable, he might’ve wondered if his last thoughts were going to be of Luke.
***
He couldn’t go home. He couldn’t sit still. He couldn’t turn his brain off. He didn’t know where to go, but his feet obviously did. When he looked up, he was at the farm. Home. He always thought of his mom’s house as just that- a house. The farm felt like home. And Luke had been away from it for so long.
He approached the barn slowly, like he was trespassing. Like this place wasn’t his anymore. Galway snorted from his stall, recognizing him, and he smiled, a little relieved. “At least someone likes having me around, eh buddy?” he asked, rubbing his hand along the horse’s nose.
“Luke?”
He whirled around guiltily. And there was his dad, walking in cautiously. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, ignoring Galway’s snort of disappointment. “Hey.”
Holden came to a stop next to him. “I was in the kitchen, saw you walk in. Are you okay? Is something wrong?”
“I’m sorry,” was all he could say.
Holden narrowed his eyes, worried. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry,” he said again, really meaning it. “I’ve been a spoiled brat. And I’ve been lazy, and letting Damian let me get away with it, and I haven’t been here for you like I should, and-”
“Luke, kiddo, hey,” Holden held up a hand, trying to slow him down. For a second, Luke felt warm all over; he always did when his dad called him kiddo. “Is that what this is about?”
“Not just this, but yeah,” Luke stop now that he’d started. “So much is messed up, Dad. I messed up. A lot.”
“If it’s about me and Damian and your mom, you haven’t messed up, Luke. I promise. We’re all getting better, it’s not your-”
“I cheated on my boyfriend,” Luke cut in, self-loathing making his words short. “I slept with Noah.”
Well. That shut him up. Holden stared for a minute while Luke stared at unsuspecting Galway. Then he shook his head, let out a rueful chuckle. “Well, wasn’t expecting that.”
“Come on, let me have it,” Luke gestured. “I need a Holden Snyder Disapproving Father Lecture, stat.”
“Anything I could say, you’ve already thought,” Holden leaned back easily against the stall, crossing his arms. “You’re old enough and smart enough to know that.”
Luke closed his eyes. “Why aren’t you disappointed in me?”
“Luke, listen to me when I say this. Right now.” Luke forced his eyes open, meeting Holden’s. “You could never, ever, disappoint me. You’re my son. I love you, I’m proud of you, in everything you do.”
“I cheated,” he said again.
Holden gave another sad smile. “We make mistakes, Luke. Look at me, your mom. Hell, everyone in this town. Making mistakes doesn’t make you a disappointment. Not caring about that would. And you’re one of the most caring people I’ve ever come across in my life, so I’m not worried.”
He blinked back tears. “I think I’m falling for Noah, Dad. I think I already have. But I messed things up, and it might be too late. And either way- I hurt him, I hurt Reid. I don’t know what to do.”
“Do you love Reid, Luke?” Holden asked quietly.
He took his time answering. “Not the way I’m supposed to.”
Holden leaned in a little closer, so their shoulders touched. “Then there’s part of your answer right there. I've had time to think about this, Luke, and I think maybe one of the reasons you got together with Reid was because of Reg. After what happened with him, you found someone you could fix. You could see Reid's problems and thought you could fix him."
"So Reid is my rebound?"
"I'm not saying that, but you know... Not trying to belittle your relationship, I know you love and care about him. But it doesn't mean you push for something that isn't there. Something that maybe," Holden shrugged, "you've found with someone else. Either way, you need to talk to him. And Noah too.”
“Noah doesn’t want to talk to me,” he murmured.
“I bet he really does,” Holden countered, smiling a little.
“He’s just... he’s special,” Luke tried to explain, and how lame was that? He shook his head at himself. “He’s different. I’ve never met anyone like him. And he gets me. I get him. We balance each other out.” How could he explain this right? “He doesn’t actually try to make me change or be his idea of a better person. He just wants me to be. Makes me want to be.”
He finally looked at Holden again, and was surprised to see him smiling wide. “You find someone that makes you feel that way, Luke? You try to hold onto them. Trust me.”
“You and Mom aren’t trying to just be friends, are you?” he asked, suddenly realizing what so much of that tension between his parents had been lately.
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “But I think we’re trying to hold on again,” Holden answered. “It’s just… complicated.”
“I hate life,” Luke grumbled.
Holden laughed. “You and me both.”
“Thanks, Dad,” he said, not joking anymore. “For everything. For... for coming back and still being here.”
Holden took a deep breath, almost stuttering on it, and pulled him in for a hug. “Of course I’m here, Luke.” More tears to blink back. “You’ll be fine. I know it. You’ll know what to do.”
The chirp of his cell phone had Luke pulling back from the hug, wiping at his eyes hurriedly. “Sorry, I should probably-”
Holden just smiled, patted his shoulder. “No problem, kiddo.”
Luke grinned again- he just couldn’t seem to help it- and flipped open the phone without checking the screen. “Hello?”
“Luke.” It was Casey. Sounding subdued. It was Casey sounding more subdued than he had in years.
“Case? What’s wrong?” He frowned, noticing his dad do the same out of the corner of his eye.
“Luke, you gotta-” he cleared his throat. “You gotta come to the hospital, okay? Now.”
He stood up quickly, already fishing for his keys. “What happened? Are you okay? Is it...?” He didn’t know who he was asking about.
Casey apparently did. “Noah needs you. Get here now.”
***
She stood outside the door, peering through the narrow window into the hospital room. Noah was laying so still in that bed, eyes closed, looking worn and listless as only someone who’d just been treated in a hospital could be. Unfortunately, she could relate.
Fortunately, she was going to use that power for good.
She tried to enter silently, but Noah awoke the second she opened the door, lifting his head with a bleary frown. “Yes?” he called out, obviously expecting a nurse or doctor.
“Hello, young man,” she said as gently as she knew how.
There was a polite but confused smile on his face when he recognized her voice. “Ms. Walsh?”
Lucinda came closer and settled herself into the chair next to his bed, recognizing the jacket half-hanging on the back as belonging to Casey Hughes. “How are you at the moment?”
“Fine, ma’am,” he answered immediately. “They said it was a mild seizure, I’ve had worse.”
“I dare say you have,” she murmured quietly. His face twisted into a frown, a silent don’t go there, so she cleared her throat, moving on. “I was just upstairs talking with my doctor and heard from Alison Stewart that you were here.”
“Your doctor?” He turned towards her again, brows drawn together, defensiveness forgotten. “Are you sick?” She opened her mouth to answer, but he was already backpedaling. “I’m sorry, that’s none of my business. Sorry.”
She almost laughed. Emma had warned her- “Polite beyond all else, Lucinda. Victorian manners. It’s absurd!”- but it was still almost enough to throw her off track. Not really enough, though; she was still Lucinda Walsh after all. “It’s all right darling, not a touchy subject.”
He hesitated, then nodded shortly, taking her cue. “Why were you upstairs?” he asked softly.
“I have cancer, Noah,” she answered bluntly. “It’s in remission at the moment, but I still have my checkups and treatments I have to go through regularly.”
His eyes, so empty, still managed to gaze at her sadly. “I’m sorry,” he said, voice small. Tired.
“It’s okay, really.” She patted his shoulder. “It’s why I wanted to talk to you.”
“To me?” Noah sat up a little in his bed, fiddling with the edge of his hospital gown. “Why?”
“Because I had a choice, my boy,” she said sternly. “Between giving up or accepting help. Between wallowing in my supposed fate or doing something about it.”
His face went stony almost instantly. “Ms. Walsh, I’m really sorry, and it’s nice that you stopped by, please don’t take this the wrong way, but-”
“Spit it out, Noah,” she sighed with a smile.
“Our situations are nothing alike. You had to choose between life and death. For you and your family and everything. I’m just, I’m just me. All I have is me. I’m being realistic.”
“You’re in the hospital, dear,” she reminded him. “You had a seizure. Those aren’t magically going to go away or get better. Unless you do something about it.”
“Ms. Walsh, please, you don’t have to...” Noah paused, took a deep breath. “You’ve done your duty, it’s okay. You can go now.”
“Excuse me?” she raised an eyebrow, fighting the urge to throw her hands up in the air or grab the boy in front of her and shake him.
“You’re here because of Luke,” he said simply.
“Luke doesn’t know I’m here,” she argued.
He shrugged. “He doesn’t know I’m here, either. That’s not what I meant. I meant you’re here because I’m Luke’s... friend, and he’ll be sad if I stay blind or die or whatever. And you want to make him happy. And you’re obviously a wonderful grandmother, and I appreciate your concern for him, but-”
“Noah Mayer, you stop right there,” Lucinda used her best chairwoman of the board voice. It worked rather effectively, shocking him into silence. She took a chance then, reaching out and carefully taking his hand in hers. He tensed, startled for a moment, but let her pull his hand closer. “You’ve got it wrong, young man.”
He bit his lower lip, weary and confused. “I don’t think I do.”
Lucinda took a slow, deep breath, realizing she was going to have to deal with this like she did when confronted with Snyder Stubbornness. “Just because I met you through my grandson doesn’t mean I care about you through him.” She jostled his hand lightly. “I don’t want to see you get hurt. These seizures are going to get worse, Noah.”
He shrugged. “Then they’ll get worse. That’s life. I can’t live in some fantasy where things are magically cured and people live happily ever after. That's... that's what movies are for.”
“No, I imagine you don’t let yourself hope for a lot of things without a good reason to,” she mused, studying his face. “But you’re a man of logic, I can tell. Don’t you think it makes sense to try everything you can to stop these seizures from killing you? It’s just a surgery, not voodoo or ritual sacrifice.”
He continued to chew at his lip, not answering for a long time. “I don’t know,” he finally said.
Which basically meant ‘yes,’ he was just too Snyder Stubborn to admit it. She shook her head. “If it were someone else in your position, what would you tell them to do?”
He half-heartedly glared. “I wouldn’t tell them to do anything. It’s their decision, not mine.”
Touché, she almost smiled. Instead, she tried another tactic. “Do you think I don’t know about you and my grandson?”
Noah coughed loudly, choking on his surprise. “What?”
She waved a hand, rather ineffectually now that she thought about it. “I don’t know the details, of course, nor do I want to,” she stressed, somewhat relishing how shocked and embarrassed he looked. “But I know there’s something going on with you two. I’m not feeble-minded, Mr. Mayer.”
“Never thought you were,” he murmured, seemingly without even realizing it.
She smiled genuinely now. “Regardless, Noah,” she said his name softer, “I can tell there’s something there. Because Luke... Luke has been driven, and motivated, and excited about life in a way I haven’t seen since he was in high school. He’s pushing himself, and I know the reason is you.”
He gave nothing away, but she could tell he was listening, trying to figure out where she was going with this. “I’m just trying to help,” his argument was weakening, as was his resolve. She could feel it. “I just want him to be happy.”
“I think he is happy,” she confided. “I think he’s truly realizing his potential, and it’s because he knows you see it.”
“So what’s your point?” his voice trembled just a little. Just enough to tell Lucinda it was working.
She squeezed his hand gently. “Consider this me pushing you. For the very same reasons you’ve been helping Luke. Because I care. Because I think you can do more with your life than where you’re stuck at the moment. Because you have the opportunity to make a great change, and you deserve to.”
“Luke doesn’t, he... we’re not-” Noah shook his head. “Luke and I aren’t together. He doesn’t want to be.”
“This has nothing to do with some relationship status, young man,” she said mock-sternly. “You two are a force together. He may be too pig-headed to see it now,” she was relieved when Noah smiled a little at that, “but it’s true. And he knows it. I’m sure he does.” Lowering her voice, Lucinda leaned in closer. “But you’re not going to do this for Luke, Noah. You’re going to do this for you.”
He was silent for a minute before finally saying, in such a small, soft voice, “I don’t want to be a failure.”
“If anyone should be worried about that, it’s me,” another voice spoke from the suddenly open doorway.
Lucinda eyed Reid as he entered the room, wondering how much he had overheard. His face, of course, gave nothing away. He barely glanced at her as he came to a stop next to his patient’s bed. “Let me do the surgery, Mr. Ma-” he stopped at Noah’s raised eyebrow. “Noah. I can do this. Let me do this.”
Noah’s face went quickly, carefully, blank. “It’s not that I- I don’t...” He shook his head a little, so painfully unsure. Lucinda squeezed the hand she still held.
“You’re going to die if I don’t,” Reid threw out. Noah started to speak, but Reid just rolled his eyes. “And don’t say ‘everyone dies’ or whatever philosophical crap you’ve been telling yourself. You’ll die sooner. The body isn’t mean to sustain seizures like yours. It’s going to wear you out. Permanently. Don’t be stupid about this.”
“I’m good at being stupid,” Noah murmured.
“Yes. You are,” Reid was quick to agree. “But this is one of those times you don’t have to be.”
Noah’s eyes closed, thinking it all over. Lucinda kept her gaze on him, wondering what could possibly be going through his mind right now. Finally, he turned towards Reid’s direction again. “You promise, right? That you can do it?”
“Noah,” Reid lowered his voice, shockingly calm yet still exasperated. “I like being right. And I almost always am. So why would I say I can do this if it wasn’t true? Listen to every goddamn person around you, for once.”
Lucinda unconsciously bristled at the words, but Noah gave a small smile, a short exhale that was almost a laugh. “Yeah. I guess that’s true.”
Reid allowed himself to smile slightly too before growing stern again. “Is that ‘yeah’ a yes?”
Noah swallowed hard, and Lucinda could feel his hand tremble ever so slightly in hers. But, slowly, determinedly, he nodded his head. “Yes. When do we-”
“Tomorrow,” his voice sounded almost gentle even though he was interrupting yet again. “I scheduled the surgery two days ago.” He sent a short, giving-nothing-away nod to Lucinda and made his exit without another word.
Instead of worrying about that, she kept her focus on Noah, watching as he went back to biting his lip nervously. “You made the right decision,” she offered up and hoped it was the truth.
He nodded absentmindedly. “I guess.” Then he turned to her, smiling painfully. “Guess it’s all over tomorrow, one way or another, huh?”
She didn’t really have an answer, so she held his hand instead. One way or another, indeed.
CONTINUE ON TO CHAPTER 5
Author: carolinablu85
Artist: x_serenade
Rating: eventual NC-17
Disclaimer: I own less than nothing.
Summary: Based on the prompt: What if Luke had met Reid first?
A/N: Thank you to natashaodwalla for the prompt, to BB mods for running this whole shebang with poise and class and hard work, to x_serenade for her beautiful art!, and to all writers and artists who stuck with BigBang and are participating!
CHAPTER 1 | CHAPTER 2 | CHAPTER 3 | CHAPTER 4 | CHAPTER 5
He knew it wasn’t smart for him to be here, especially drinking, especially alone, but the part of Noah that drove him here was the same part that didn’t care. The bigger part of him.
He took another drink of his beer, leaning back in the seat, hoping to blend into the shadows. He was fairly sure he had picked the farthest table back in the corner, or close to it. Sure, for all he knew everyone in the bar was staring at him, but he had gotten pretty good at knowing when he was being watched. Now he just wanted to disappear, at least for the night.
Noah had gotten so good at taking care of himself too, at letting other people help him only on his terms. So how had this happened? How had one insanely pig-headed, surprisingly compassionate person snuck his way in?
And why was it so easy for Luke to get close to him but then... then walk away just as easily? Noah tried to joke, tried telling himself Hey, at least you can’t actually see him leave every time. But he could feel it. It hurt just as much.
Confusion washed through him yet again. Why would Luke care so much, want to hang out with him, kiss him, fuck him, if he didn’t want him? Was it just fascination? Wanting to know what sleeping with a blind guy was like? Or maybe pity, like some sick Make A Wish charity contribution.
Noah shook his head. No. He was pretty sure Luke wasn’t like that, but it still didn’t give him any answers. He wasn’t totally sure there even were answers to find. It sucked. He wished he had never come to this town. It was all giving him a headache, and it was-
“Noah,” a voice full of pleasant surprise that almost sounded genuine spoke up suddenly from near his left shoulder, moving over to the other side of the table.
Noah mustered up a polite smile. “Mason. Hi.”
“Are you here alone?” Mason asked. Noah could feel him sit down at the table, and he wished he had it in him to tell the guy to fuck off. “No L- no Casey?”
Nice recovery, he wanted to say. If it was Luke, he would have. Luke was one of the few people who had ever pushed for- and wanted to know- what was going on in Noah’s head. And understood it. But this wasn’t Luke, far from it. “Just me tonight,” he finally answered. “Needed some time alone.”
He could practically hear the smile. “That doesn’t sound good. Everything okay?”
“I’m fine,” he said automatically. And I guess you don’t know what ‘alone’ means, Professor.
“Oh, I’m sure you are,” Mason agreed smoothly. “I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. I just saw you walk in and thought I’d come over and say hi.”
Noah nodded, half-praying that that really was all Mason wanted to do, more-than-half-knowing it wasn’t. “Okay.”
“This is the first time I’ve seen you outside of our meetings, you know,” he commented casually.
Too casually. Noah was pretty damn good at reading people’s voices, especially since so many people tended to exaggerate their tones when talking to a blind guy. He would never admit it out loud to anyone (except maybe one person), but he always found it really annoying. It wasn’t fair that everyone underestimated everything about him (except maybe one person).
Mason was speaking again. Noah discreetly cracked his knuckles- his way of rolling his eyes- and tried to concentrate again. “-so much in common. I’ve been thinking, lately, that maybe we should.”
He shook himself. “We should... what?”
Mason paused. Noah wondered what his expression looked like right now. Probably something smug. Insufferable, Luke would say.
...Stop thinking about Luke fucking Snyder, he reprimanded himself.
“We should get to know each other better, outside of our work together,” Mason was obviously repeating himself. “What do you say?” Noah felt a hand on his arm. It felt wrong. It was possessive and weak at the same time. It didn’t feel like... “Want to get out of here?”
It didn’t feel like Luke.
Stop thinking about Luke.
“Yeah,” Noah gulped down the last of his beer, sliding the glass away from him. He needed to be away from everything, including his brain. “Yeah. Let’s go.”
***
He slid into the living room as silently as possible, as though he was sneaking in. He wasn’t. Or, didn’t have to, not really. It wasn’t like he was a criminal or anything. Sleeping with someone other than your boyfriend isn’t technically a crime...
“You’re getting in late,” he heard from the kitchen.
“Yeah,” was all he could say back. He didn’t make up an excuse. He couldn’t be a liar on top of being a cheater. You lied to Noah, didn’t you? God fuck damn it.
“There’s some dinner left over if you’re hungry,” Reid emerged, sipping on a mug of something or other. Coffee, probably. He preferred Scotch, Luke knew, but he didn’t keep any in the apartment anymore. Because of Luke. Because they were together, and when you loved-
He cut himself off. “Not really hungry, no.” He glanced almost wildly around the room, needing something to focus on. But that sucked just as much.
Everywhere he looked- Reid’s jacket, one Luke had picked out, hanging by the door. The DVDs they had rented to watch this weekend. Even the damn mug he was drinking from was Luke’s- Natalie had painted it in art class last year.
“Do you want to get out of here?” he asked suddenly. Too many things in this apartment reminded him of the relationship he had just insulted. Debased.
Reid stared at him like he had grown three extra ears. “Get out of here?” he repeated.
Luke shrugged. “Like, go out somewhere. You can get a drink, I can get a fake drink. Talk, hang out somewhere. Anywhere.” Just not here. Not somewhere that’s so you.
Reid narrowed his eyes slightly. “We can do all that here.”
“But we’re always here,” Luke points out. “Let’s, you know, be a couple. Go out.”
“For what reason?” Reid shook his head, settling down on the couch. “To put on a good show for the town? What’s the point?”
“The point,” Luke crossed his arms as though that would hold his body together. He felt ready to explode, and he didn’t know from what exactly. “Is that I want to do something different. I want us to feel like a couple for once.”
Reid frowned at his tone. He knew he was pushing it a little, but... it’d been a long day. “Why now?” his boyfriend snorted. “So you can have another Dear Diary moment?”
“Excuse me?”
He was half-smiling, that look on his face he got when he was trying to be snarky to get out of an uncomfortable situation. “You know, since you’re a ‘writer’ now. Is this all just fodder for the next novel? Or your Blockbuster script you still haven’t written?”
He flinched. Hard. He was writing a script, he just hadn’t told Reid yet. He’d gone to Noah.
Who had supported him.
Encouraged him.
Motivated him.
Loved-
He cut himself off again (on the same word as before). “Fuck you,” he snapped. Reid let one eyebrow raise, enough to show Luke that he was as thrown as he was able to get. “I’m sorry I actually want to spend some time with my boyfriend besides on his crappy couch. I’m so sorry I want more out of our relationship.” He started stomping towards the bedroom.
“God, you’re such a thirteen year old girl sometimes,” Reid groaned. “Don’t tell me you’re going off to write in your journal now.”
Luke took a deep breath, closed his eyes. What the fuck had become of his life? His hand shook, and for a second he wished Reid actually did have Scotch. But no. He’d never let it come to that, not again. Noah would kill him if he dr-
Stop thinking about Noah.
“You know what? Stay here. I’m going for a walk.” He turned again, heading back to the door.
“You just got here,” Reid pointed out, frowning now. Like maybe he wanted Luke to stay. If he would just say that, maybe Luke would.
Can you, um, can you stay the night?
Stop thinking about Noah.
“Yeah, well, now I’m just leaving,” Luke dared his boyfriend to argue, agree, anything. He got nothing in return. “Don’t wait up.”
He wanted to slam the door, but that would’ve been too childish, and Luke was tired of being treated like a child. He adjusted his shirt- God, it was still a little rumpled from being tossed to Noah’s living room floor. Had Reid noticed? Suspected?
What was Noah doing right now?
Luke completely gave up on the ‘not thinking about Noah’ thing. Noah was inevitable. Luke’s feet took him along the path to Old Town, but his brain was traveling back to Noah’s apartment.
Part of Luke knew he’d had to leave there tonight, he couldn’t stay as long as he was still with Reid. Otherwise, in a way, Noah was just his crutch, his shield from reality. His addiction. His alcohol.
No, if he was going to be with Noah, it had to be the right way. They both deserved that.
His feet suddenly slowed. If Noah even wanted it anymore. Luke ran a hand through his hair, clicking his teeth together nervously. Noah had opened up pretty big tonight. Hugely, in fact. He finally told Luke his story (a story that Luke still had trouble fully comprehending, Jesus) and then, well, had been just as vulnerable during sex. Luke wished he could be that brave sometimes.
But he wasn’t. He had run instead. Ditched Noah after all of that. Luke had to admit he was more than a little ashamed of himself. All those times he pushed Noah to open up more, to show more of himself, and he runs when it finally happens. Great. Wonderful.
Life sucked.
Part of him wished, right then, that he could go back in time and somehow not fall for Noah or let him affect him this much. Another part of him wished he could skip ahead to when this drama would finally be over and he could just... know what happens. Skip the hard part.
But then, shockingly- shockingly enough to stop Luke in his tracks- he realized there was another part of him, a larger one, that wanted to do the hard part. He wanted to work and earn whatever was to happen. He thought of his parents, how they kept circling around each other, trying to make their lives work and sometimes failing, but always trying again. He thought of Noah, of all the times something set him back or shoved him down, and how he kept at it.
Luke wanted that too. He wanted to feel that for himself.
Maybe it was because he was standing so still in that moment, or maybe it was because Luke was thinking about him, but all of a sudden he could hear Noah’s voice.
But, like, for real.
“I said leave me alone!”
Luke wasn’t sure if his eyes widened or narrowed, but he felt both fear and this weird protective anger surge through him at the same time. He broke out into an almost-run, heading deeper into Old Town, following that voice. Two blocks from Yo’s, in one of the alleys, he found him.
Them.
Noah was almost but not quite backed up to the wall of the alley. One hand was braced against it, Luke knew so he could keep track of where he was, but the other hand was held up almost defensively, trying to ward off... Mason.
Of fucking course.
“Noah, come on, I just-” luckily Mason didn’t seem to be too pushy. He just wasn’t going away.
“I know what you just,” Noah snapped. His voice was harsh, rough. But empty, too. Luke wanted to wince at the sound. Noah wasn’t supposed to sound like that. Not because of him. “It’s not going to happen.”
“Why the hell did you leave the bar with me then?” Luke had never really heard Mason sound so frustrated before, and he had to fight back a smirk at that. But, also- bar? Noah had been at a bar? Alone? Yeah, that sounded like good news. Fuck, Snyder, if someone had run out on you after all that, wouldn’t you end up at a bar? Shut up, Self.
“I- I don’t...” Noah took a deep breath and another careful step back, away from Mason. His hand still staying in firm contact with the wall. “I shouldn’t have. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I shouldn’t have let you think-”
“That you wanted to kiss me back?” Mason stepped closer to Noah again. Too close. “Or that you wanted to come home with me and-” Way too close.
“Hey,” Luke was finally within reach. “What’s going on?” His eyes narrowed, not only at the way Mason glared at him, but at the way Noah tensed up just as much.
“Of course. Of course you’re here,” Mason hissed.
“Why don’t you back up a few steps?” Luke suggested in a tone that was in no way a suggestion. He forced himself not to immediately barrel between them and stand protectively in front of Noah, just barely succeeding. He had a feeling that even if Noah couldn’t see him do it, he’d still know somehow and be (more) pissed.
After a tense moment where it seemed like Mason was maybe going to go after Noah again, instead he groaned, glared some more, and backed away, almost deliberately slow. Luke gritted his teeth but kept calm. Mostly.
“This isn’t any of your business,” Mason warned.
“Noah told you to leave him alone, so technically he isn’t yours either. Business, I mean,” he added hastily, awkwardly, seeing Noah’s face twist into a darker frown.
“I’m no one’s business,” Noah snapped. “You don’t have to act like I need you.” Luke wasn’t actually sure who he was talking to, and kinda didn’t want to find out.
Mason looked back and forth between the two of them. “You know what? Forget it. And forget both of you. This isn’t worth it.” He turned and stalked out of the alley, brushing past Luke and bumping his shoulder along the way.
Luke was half-tempted to yell out some final remark at him, but his focus went to Noah instead. “Hey, are you-”
Noah stepped away from him quickly, maybe thinking Luke was reaching out to him. “I dropped my cane,” he said, voice a little plaintive but still plenty defiant.
Luke felt a rush of affection and exasperation go through him in equal measure, but hopefully kept it out of his voice. “Here,” he moved around Noah, resisting the urge to touch him (when had that become second nature?) and found the discarded cane on the ground a few feet away, carefully placing it in Noah’s outstretched hand.
“Thank you,” Noah said, probably more out of instinct than anything else. “You can go now. Goodnight.” He unfurled the cane and started walking out of the alley.
“Wait, Noah,” Luke gave chase. “Please, let me just-” his hand landed on Noah’s shoulder.
And was promptly shoved away. “No. Don’t do or say anything,” Noah almost growled. “I can't do this right now.”
“Noah, I-”
“No,” he cut through again. “I just want you to go away, Luke. Please.”
But he couldn’t. Not when Noah was so upset, not when he was trying to hide his hands shaking around their grip on the cane. Not when Mason could be just around the corner, not when Luke was right here. “But I...” Noah looked on the verge of yelling or snapping again, so Luke stopped, shut his mouth. It didn’t stop him from following Noah out of the alley. “At least let me walk you home. I won’t say anything, I won’t try to go inside the building. Just... just let me know you get there safe.”
“I’m not helpless, I know how to get home from here, Luke!” Noah spoke through a deceptively calm voice now, the shaking almost gone.
But it was still there. Enough to keep Luke there. As was the fact that just hearing Noah say his name kept Luke tethered to him somehow. Yeah, I know, this is pretty fucked up. “I’d never think of you as helpless. I won’t say anything, I won’t do anything. I promise. Please, Noah, let me walk you home?”
He watched the muscles in Noah’s cheek and jaw tighten and flex almost compulsively. “I guess I can’t stop you.” He kept walking and made no move to stop Luke from following. Luke’s momentary twinge of victory almost- almost- drowned out the soft question that floated from Noah’s mouth after that. “When could I?”
***
Noah slammed the door hard behind him, fumbled for the knob, opened it, and slammed it again. He kept his hand around the metal, forming to it, squeezing so hard he half-hoped he’d break it off. That would keep the world out, wouldn’t it?
He took a deep breath, as deep as he could, leaning his still-aching head against the door. He hated this. He hated feeling out of sorts like this, he hated the sound of defeat and confusion in Luke’s voice, he hated that he had no control over any of it. How he felt, how Luke felt, how Luke...
No. No. He wasn’t doing this. He was better than this. Stronger. Supposedly smarter. He wasn’t the same dumbass kid he used to be- trailing along behind whoever showed him the littlest bit of affection. Things were always so much simpler when he only had himself to worry about and nobody worried about him. He-
With the smallest growl escaping him, he pushed away from the door. He needed to calm down, but his hands were trembling. Probably leftover adrenaline from the confrontation with Luke, and then whatever the hell that was with Mason, and then Luke again.
How was it that everything now came back to Luke? “Go. Away,” he muttered under his breath, not at all sure who he was talking to.
There was a knock at the door, tentative. It startled Noah, causing him to jump a little. “Noah? It’s me, dude. You in there?” Casey. He wondered if Luke had gone to him, or...
Noah shook his head, wincing when the motion caused his headache to intensify. And then he realized his hands were still shaking. And his head was too. His whole body was. Fuck. No. Not now.
“Noah?” Casey knocked again, but Noah couldn’t have answered him even if he wanted to. Fuck. He tried to make his way to living room, he had a med kit there, if he could just take a few steps and grab it...
His legs gave out from under him, and he crashed hard to the floor, somewhat grateful he didn’t hit his head. Not that he would’ve felt it. His body continued convulsing, muscles tensing every which way, and it was all he could do to let out a semi-strangled cry of pain.
The knocking at the door paused for a second, then got louder. “Noah!” Moments later there was a cracking, splintering sound, and then someone nearby, a hand on his shoulder. “Noah, what-”
He cried out again, his useless eyes rolling back in their sockets. The pain in his head started to overwhelm, choking off his air, his movements, his thoughts. His hands clenched into fists, slamming against the floor, his whole body gathering bruises as it made contact.
“Shit,” a hand grabbed one of his fists, trying to flatten it, to hold it steady. “Hang on, hang on, please,” Casey spoke softly now. There was more movement, then something soft cushioning his head. “You’re gonna be fine, okay? Right?” Then his voice changed direction, like he had turned his head away. “Yeah, I need an ambulance, I think my friend is having a seizure. The address...”
The words faded away to static in Noah’s ears, just like everything else. Noah started to wonder when it was he had gone from Casey’s ‘neighbor’ to ‘friend,’ but then another tidal wave of pain slammed through his head, and he couldn’t think anymore.
If he’d been capable, he might’ve wondered if his last thoughts were going to be of Luke.
***
He couldn’t go home. He couldn’t sit still. He couldn’t turn his brain off. He didn’t know where to go, but his feet obviously did. When he looked up, he was at the farm. Home. He always thought of his mom’s house as just that- a house. The farm felt like home. And Luke had been away from it for so long.
He approached the barn slowly, like he was trespassing. Like this place wasn’t his anymore. Galway snorted from his stall, recognizing him, and he smiled, a little relieved. “At least someone likes having me around, eh buddy?” he asked, rubbing his hand along the horse’s nose.
“Luke?”
He whirled around guiltily. And there was his dad, walking in cautiously. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, ignoring Galway’s snort of disappointment. “Hey.”
Holden came to a stop next to him. “I was in the kitchen, saw you walk in. Are you okay? Is something wrong?”
“I’m sorry,” was all he could say.
Holden narrowed his eyes, worried. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry,” he said again, really meaning it. “I’ve been a spoiled brat. And I’ve been lazy, and letting Damian let me get away with it, and I haven’t been here for you like I should, and-”
“Luke, kiddo, hey,” Holden held up a hand, trying to slow him down. For a second, Luke felt warm all over; he always did when his dad called him kiddo. “Is that what this is about?”
“Not just this, but yeah,” Luke stop now that he’d started. “So much is messed up, Dad. I messed up. A lot.”
“If it’s about me and Damian and your mom, you haven’t messed up, Luke. I promise. We’re all getting better, it’s not your-”
“I cheated on my boyfriend,” Luke cut in, self-loathing making his words short. “I slept with Noah.”
Well. That shut him up. Holden stared for a minute while Luke stared at unsuspecting Galway. Then he shook his head, let out a rueful chuckle. “Well, wasn’t expecting that.”
“Come on, let me have it,” Luke gestured. “I need a Holden Snyder Disapproving Father Lecture, stat.”
“Anything I could say, you’ve already thought,” Holden leaned back easily against the stall, crossing his arms. “You’re old enough and smart enough to know that.”
Luke closed his eyes. “Why aren’t you disappointed in me?”
“Luke, listen to me when I say this. Right now.” Luke forced his eyes open, meeting Holden’s. “You could never, ever, disappoint me. You’re my son. I love you, I’m proud of you, in everything you do.”
“I cheated,” he said again.
Holden gave another sad smile. “We make mistakes, Luke. Look at me, your mom. Hell, everyone in this town. Making mistakes doesn’t make you a disappointment. Not caring about that would. And you’re one of the most caring people I’ve ever come across in my life, so I’m not worried.”
He blinked back tears. “I think I’m falling for Noah, Dad. I think I already have. But I messed things up, and it might be too late. And either way- I hurt him, I hurt Reid. I don’t know what to do.”
“Do you love Reid, Luke?” Holden asked quietly.
He took his time answering. “Not the way I’m supposed to.”
Holden leaned in a little closer, so their shoulders touched. “Then there’s part of your answer right there. I've had time to think about this, Luke, and I think maybe one of the reasons you got together with Reid was because of Reg. After what happened with him, you found someone you could fix. You could see Reid's problems and thought you could fix him."
"So Reid is my rebound?"
"I'm not saying that, but you know... Not trying to belittle your relationship, I know you love and care about him. But it doesn't mean you push for something that isn't there. Something that maybe," Holden shrugged, "you've found with someone else. Either way, you need to talk to him. And Noah too.”
“Noah doesn’t want to talk to me,” he murmured.
“I bet he really does,” Holden countered, smiling a little.
“He’s just... he’s special,” Luke tried to explain, and how lame was that? He shook his head at himself. “He’s different. I’ve never met anyone like him. And he gets me. I get him. We balance each other out.” How could he explain this right? “He doesn’t actually try to make me change or be his idea of a better person. He just wants me to be. Makes me want to be.”
He finally looked at Holden again, and was surprised to see him smiling wide. “You find someone that makes you feel that way, Luke? You try to hold onto them. Trust me.”
“You and Mom aren’t trying to just be friends, are you?” he asked, suddenly realizing what so much of that tension between his parents had been lately.
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “But I think we’re trying to hold on again,” Holden answered. “It’s just… complicated.”
“I hate life,” Luke grumbled.
Holden laughed. “You and me both.”
“Thanks, Dad,” he said, not joking anymore. “For everything. For... for coming back and still being here.”
Holden took a deep breath, almost stuttering on it, and pulled him in for a hug. “Of course I’m here, Luke.” More tears to blink back. “You’ll be fine. I know it. You’ll know what to do.”
The chirp of his cell phone had Luke pulling back from the hug, wiping at his eyes hurriedly. “Sorry, I should probably-”
Holden just smiled, patted his shoulder. “No problem, kiddo.”
Luke grinned again- he just couldn’t seem to help it- and flipped open the phone without checking the screen. “Hello?”
“Luke.” It was Casey. Sounding subdued. It was Casey sounding more subdued than he had in years.
“Case? What’s wrong?” He frowned, noticing his dad do the same out of the corner of his eye.
“Luke, you gotta-” he cleared his throat. “You gotta come to the hospital, okay? Now.”
He stood up quickly, already fishing for his keys. “What happened? Are you okay? Is it...?” He didn’t know who he was asking about.
Casey apparently did. “Noah needs you. Get here now.”
***
She stood outside the door, peering through the narrow window into the hospital room. Noah was laying so still in that bed, eyes closed, looking worn and listless as only someone who’d just been treated in a hospital could be. Unfortunately, she could relate.
Fortunately, she was going to use that power for good.
She tried to enter silently, but Noah awoke the second she opened the door, lifting his head with a bleary frown. “Yes?” he called out, obviously expecting a nurse or doctor.
“Hello, young man,” she said as gently as she knew how.
There was a polite but confused smile on his face when he recognized her voice. “Ms. Walsh?”
Lucinda came closer and settled herself into the chair next to his bed, recognizing the jacket half-hanging on the back as belonging to Casey Hughes. “How are you at the moment?”
“Fine, ma’am,” he answered immediately. “They said it was a mild seizure, I’ve had worse.”
“I dare say you have,” she murmured quietly. His face twisted into a frown, a silent don’t go there, so she cleared her throat, moving on. “I was just upstairs talking with my doctor and heard from Alison Stewart that you were here.”
“Your doctor?” He turned towards her again, brows drawn together, defensiveness forgotten. “Are you sick?” She opened her mouth to answer, but he was already backpedaling. “I’m sorry, that’s none of my business. Sorry.”
She almost laughed. Emma had warned her- “Polite beyond all else, Lucinda. Victorian manners. It’s absurd!”- but it was still almost enough to throw her off track. Not really enough, though; she was still Lucinda Walsh after all. “It’s all right darling, not a touchy subject.”
He hesitated, then nodded shortly, taking her cue. “Why were you upstairs?” he asked softly.
“I have cancer, Noah,” she answered bluntly. “It’s in remission at the moment, but I still have my checkups and treatments I have to go through regularly.”
His eyes, so empty, still managed to gaze at her sadly. “I’m sorry,” he said, voice small. Tired.
“It’s okay, really.” She patted his shoulder. “It’s why I wanted to talk to you.”
“To me?” Noah sat up a little in his bed, fiddling with the edge of his hospital gown. “Why?”
“Because I had a choice, my boy,” she said sternly. “Between giving up or accepting help. Between wallowing in my supposed fate or doing something about it.”
His face went stony almost instantly. “Ms. Walsh, I’m really sorry, and it’s nice that you stopped by, please don’t take this the wrong way, but-”
“Spit it out, Noah,” she sighed with a smile.
“Our situations are nothing alike. You had to choose between life and death. For you and your family and everything. I’m just, I’m just me. All I have is me. I’m being realistic.”
“You’re in the hospital, dear,” she reminded him. “You had a seizure. Those aren’t magically going to go away or get better. Unless you do something about it.”
“Ms. Walsh, please, you don’t have to...” Noah paused, took a deep breath. “You’ve done your duty, it’s okay. You can go now.”
“Excuse me?” she raised an eyebrow, fighting the urge to throw her hands up in the air or grab the boy in front of her and shake him.
“You’re here because of Luke,” he said simply.
“Luke doesn’t know I’m here,” she argued.
He shrugged. “He doesn’t know I’m here, either. That’s not what I meant. I meant you’re here because I’m Luke’s... friend, and he’ll be sad if I stay blind or die or whatever. And you want to make him happy. And you’re obviously a wonderful grandmother, and I appreciate your concern for him, but-”
“Noah Mayer, you stop right there,” Lucinda used her best chairwoman of the board voice. It worked rather effectively, shocking him into silence. She took a chance then, reaching out and carefully taking his hand in hers. He tensed, startled for a moment, but let her pull his hand closer. “You’ve got it wrong, young man.”
He bit his lower lip, weary and confused. “I don’t think I do.”
Lucinda took a slow, deep breath, realizing she was going to have to deal with this like she did when confronted with Snyder Stubbornness. “Just because I met you through my grandson doesn’t mean I care about you through him.” She jostled his hand lightly. “I don’t want to see you get hurt. These seizures are going to get worse, Noah.”
He shrugged. “Then they’ll get worse. That’s life. I can’t live in some fantasy where things are magically cured and people live happily ever after. That's... that's what movies are for.”
“No, I imagine you don’t let yourself hope for a lot of things without a good reason to,” she mused, studying his face. “But you’re a man of logic, I can tell. Don’t you think it makes sense to try everything you can to stop these seizures from killing you? It’s just a surgery, not voodoo or ritual sacrifice.”
He continued to chew at his lip, not answering for a long time. “I don’t know,” he finally said.
Which basically meant ‘yes,’ he was just too Snyder Stubborn to admit it. She shook her head. “If it were someone else in your position, what would you tell them to do?”
He half-heartedly glared. “I wouldn’t tell them to do anything. It’s their decision, not mine.”
Touché, she almost smiled. Instead, she tried another tactic. “Do you think I don’t know about you and my grandson?”
Noah coughed loudly, choking on his surprise. “What?”
She waved a hand, rather ineffectually now that she thought about it. “I don’t know the details, of course, nor do I want to,” she stressed, somewhat relishing how shocked and embarrassed he looked. “But I know there’s something going on with you two. I’m not feeble-minded, Mr. Mayer.”
“Never thought you were,” he murmured, seemingly without even realizing it.
She smiled genuinely now. “Regardless, Noah,” she said his name softer, “I can tell there’s something there. Because Luke... Luke has been driven, and motivated, and excited about life in a way I haven’t seen since he was in high school. He’s pushing himself, and I know the reason is you.”
He gave nothing away, but she could tell he was listening, trying to figure out where she was going with this. “I’m just trying to help,” his argument was weakening, as was his resolve. She could feel it. “I just want him to be happy.”
“I think he is happy,” she confided. “I think he’s truly realizing his potential, and it’s because he knows you see it.”
“So what’s your point?” his voice trembled just a little. Just enough to tell Lucinda it was working.
She squeezed his hand gently. “Consider this me pushing you. For the very same reasons you’ve been helping Luke. Because I care. Because I think you can do more with your life than where you’re stuck at the moment. Because you have the opportunity to make a great change, and you deserve to.”
“Luke doesn’t, he... we’re not-” Noah shook his head. “Luke and I aren’t together. He doesn’t want to be.”
“This has nothing to do with some relationship status, young man,” she said mock-sternly. “You two are a force together. He may be too pig-headed to see it now,” she was relieved when Noah smiled a little at that, “but it’s true. And he knows it. I’m sure he does.” Lowering her voice, Lucinda leaned in closer. “But you’re not going to do this for Luke, Noah. You’re going to do this for you.”
He was silent for a minute before finally saying, in such a small, soft voice, “I don’t want to be a failure.”
“If anyone should be worried about that, it’s me,” another voice spoke from the suddenly open doorway.
Lucinda eyed Reid as he entered the room, wondering how much he had overheard. His face, of course, gave nothing away. He barely glanced at her as he came to a stop next to his patient’s bed. “Let me do the surgery, Mr. Ma-” he stopped at Noah’s raised eyebrow. “Noah. I can do this. Let me do this.”
Noah’s face went quickly, carefully, blank. “It’s not that I- I don’t...” He shook his head a little, so painfully unsure. Lucinda squeezed the hand she still held.
“You’re going to die if I don’t,” Reid threw out. Noah started to speak, but Reid just rolled his eyes. “And don’t say ‘everyone dies’ or whatever philosophical crap you’ve been telling yourself. You’ll die sooner. The body isn’t mean to sustain seizures like yours. It’s going to wear you out. Permanently. Don’t be stupid about this.”
“I’m good at being stupid,” Noah murmured.
“Yes. You are,” Reid was quick to agree. “But this is one of those times you don’t have to be.”
Noah’s eyes closed, thinking it all over. Lucinda kept her gaze on him, wondering what could possibly be going through his mind right now. Finally, he turned towards Reid’s direction again. “You promise, right? That you can do it?”
“Noah,” Reid lowered his voice, shockingly calm yet still exasperated. “I like being right. And I almost always am. So why would I say I can do this if it wasn’t true? Listen to every goddamn person around you, for once.”
Lucinda unconsciously bristled at the words, but Noah gave a small smile, a short exhale that was almost a laugh. “Yeah. I guess that’s true.”
Reid allowed himself to smile slightly too before growing stern again. “Is that ‘yeah’ a yes?”
Noah swallowed hard, and Lucinda could feel his hand tremble ever so slightly in hers. But, slowly, determinedly, he nodded his head. “Yes. When do we-”
“Tomorrow,” his voice sounded almost gentle even though he was interrupting yet again. “I scheduled the surgery two days ago.” He sent a short, giving-nothing-away nod to Lucinda and made his exit without another word.
Instead of worrying about that, she kept her focus on Noah, watching as he went back to biting his lip nervously. “You made the right decision,” she offered up and hoped it was the truth.
He nodded absentmindedly. “I guess.” Then he turned to her, smiling painfully. “Guess it’s all over tomorrow, one way or another, huh?”
She didn’t really have an answer, so she held his hand instead. One way or another, indeed.
CONTINUE ON TO CHAPTER 5