Long overdue life-update (Trigger warnings for discussion of death and suicide)

[caroline_shea]

Comments

[flaming_muse]

I am so, so sorry that you and your family have had to go through this terribly difficult time. Death, even at its best, is always incomprehensible and painful to those left behind, but the difference in tone, in sense between your grandmother's and your father's is almost shocking. I'm sorry you had to go through either, but both... let me say that I am happy for you that you are getting to a place where you can write, where you can talk about it, where you want to. Because you were dealt such a huge blow.

Suicide is almost always selfish, and I think anger is a perfectly reasonable response to it. I know it's more complicated than that, but I hope you're not beating yourself up for feeling everything that you're feeling.

I'm thinking of you. <3

[caroline_shea]

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. The past year has been a whirlwind of emotion and I *do* feel like an awful daughter sometimes - because if you love someone unconditionally, shouldn't you be able to forgive *anything?* - and it comforts me so much when my feelings are validated by others, and especially by people as intelligent and sensitive as you are. It's so good to hear from you. <3

[flaming_muse]

There's a difference between loving a person and loving what they choose to do, don't you think? You can love your father unconditionally and yet never understand or be okay with how he ended his life. At least that's how I see it. Besides, the stages of grief, which you're still going through, take time. Time matters so much. You may never forgive him, and there is no reason you have to, but I doubt you will always feel exactly as you do today.

The thing about emotions, though, is that we feel them whether we want to or not. You do feel today as you do, and that's perfectly okay. You can't feel something or not feel something just because you think you should. So that you're owning that you're angry, sad, lost, or hurt that you and the rest of what your father had wasn't enough for him to live for in that moment, all of it is important. That's goodYou aren't alone. I hope you have people around you who are supportive, including maybe a professional partner to talk to, and resources about grief and loss as you need them.

[narie]

I'm so so sorry you've had to go through this, but I'm very happy to read that you have had people be with you and help support you. And on that vein, I'll be more than happy to listen, whenever you want to talk to your small bit of the internet about it.

[caroline_shea]

Thank you so, so much. You have no idea how much your sympathy and support means to me. <3

[heartsasmagnets]

You are back! I am so pleased! Sorry it took me 4 days to read this. So few people are active on LJ these days - and I am busy with work and whatnot - that sometimes I dont come on for a few days. But if you are posting again, I will!!! :)

FIC?!?!?! CANNOT WAIT. If you need a non-scared beta, let me know. ;)

[caroline_shea]

Much-belated reply (as you know, I was off swanning around in the Bahamas :)

I hope you know you were one of the people I was talking about in my post who helped get me through this year - you have been so supportive and willing to listen, Jo, and I cannot thank you enough. And on top of that, yes, I will *totally* be bugging you to beta. <333

[heartsasmagnets]

<333333 Awww, Caroline. I *do* know that I was one of the people. I was all too happy to be there for you. Lord knows you've listened to me plenty about MUCH sillier things.

YAY BETA!

[pushplaytobegin]

Oh, honey. I'm so very sorry for your losses. Suicide is such a ghastly thing to be left with. So many loose ends and unanswered questions, so much anger and grief and helplessness to change things. I wish there were something I could say. I'm just grateful you had people around you to help you heal. May the healing continue.

[anonymous]

it's such a relief to see you're back! really glad you're here