Fic: Butterfly Effect 25/? (Big Wolf On Campus, Tommy/Merton, NC17)
Previous chapters can be found here.
Chapter Twenty-Five: Bad Best Friend
Merton had no idea where he was going. He didn't know and he didn't care, all he wanted to do was get away. He knew somewhere behind him Tommy was probably still standing there, that hurt-and-confused look firmly in place, wondering what he'd done to let Merton down this time. But he didn't care about that either. He didn't care about anything, not the fact that he was supposed to report to the mess hall in a few minutes or what would happen when he didn't show up. Nothing mattered anymore, because the only reason he'd had to look forward to getting out of this place was gone.
And God, he'd been so stupid, making all kinds of plans about running away with David to New Hampshire and hiding out together like they were characters in some sappy romance. Like that was ever going to happen when David was probably already 'seeing other people' like…God, like Trent.
The thought of David and his roommate together made Merton's stomach turn, and when he found himself in front of the barracks he marched up the stairs and shoved the door open. Most of the others were already on their way to dinner, so the main floor of the building was empty and when Merton reached the phone there was no one around to see his hands shaking.
He picked up the receiver and dialed Lori's number, eyes closed as he waited for the line to connect. The phone rang, then again and if she wasn't in her room he was going to die. He just had to know, because no matter how much it hurt it was better than what he was already imagining.
The line connected on the fourth ring, and Merton prayed to whoever was listening that it was Lori and not her roommate. "Hello?"
Merton let out the breath he'd been holding and leaned against the wall, receiver gripped hard in one hand as he scanned the entry to make sure no one was listening. "Tell me who he's been screwing around with."
"Merton? Did you get my e-mails?"
Too late he realized that Lori's e-mails might have something important in them, but that didn't matter now. All that mattered was that she knew exactly what he was talking about, and everyone they knew was probably laughing at how stupid he'd been all this time. "Just tell me."
"You know Trent always had a thing for him."
Merton's stomach pitched violently, and for a second he thought he might throw up. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, waiting for the nausea to pass before he tried to talk again. "How long?"
"I don't know," Lori answered, and he couldn't tell whether or not she was telling the truth. "You know I don't hang out with his crowd. All I know is there was a party last weekend, and a lot of people saw them together. They weren't exactly trying to hide it."
"But you think it's been going on longer than that."
A sigh on the other end of the line, and Merton hated how pathetic he must sound. He hated that he'd really believed David would wait around for him, that he believed David wouldn't forget about him the second he was gone. It wasn't like they'd ever said they were staying together, but they hadn't said they were breaking up, either. David hadn't mentioned anything about it on that last night…not that they'd done a lot of talking that night.
His face flushed at the memory and he felt sick all over again, imagining David laughing with Trent about it after he was gone. About how stupid he was to think they could make it work, showing Trent his e-mails like he was some kid with a crush.
Or worse, a summer fling, like one of those club posers David picked up sometimes and used until he got bored. Merton had heard the stories, and at first he'd been a little worried about going out with someone like David. But he'd believed David when he said they were different, believed it when he'd said he liked Merton.
"God," he moaned, forehead pressed against the wall and eyes closed tight to block out a sudden mental picture of David and Trent tangled in a sweaty pile of limbs, laughing at what a moron Merton turned out to be. "Just tell me the rest, Lori."
"Merton…"
"Please."
Another sigh, but he wasn't going to give up. And maybe she knew that, because a second later she was talking. "I don't know if it's true, but I heard from Amanda that she saw Trent and David at a club together awhile ago, and they looked like they were doing a lot more than just hanging out."
"How long ago?"
"July."
It felt like someone reached into his chest and squeezed down hard on his heart. For a second he forgot how to breathe, and he almost wished he could pass out. Just for a few minutes, and maybe when he woke up this would all be some terrible dream. Only Lori was still talking, and Merton's heart sank a little more with every word.
"…don't know if it's true, Merton. But even if it is, it doesn't matter. He's an asshole and he's not good enough for you. Just because he thinks he's God's gift doesn't mean he's right."
He knew she was trying to make him feel better, but her idea of a pep talk just made him want to throw up even more. Because the truth was that he'd thought David was pretty great, and even knowing that David cheated on him…he knew it wasn't true, but it was hard not to believe it was his own fault. Like maybe if he'd done something differently, been more…something, Merton would have been enough for him.
"I have to go."
"Merton…"
"I'll just talk to you later, Lori, okay?" he said before she could finish. He hung up the phone without waiting for an answer, his stomach full of lead as he pushed himself off the wall and headed for the stairs. And now he was sure where he was going; first he was going to obliterate David from his life, and then he was going to find a way to get out of here once and for all.
~
For awhile Tommy just stood there, staring at the spot where Merton had been. He wasn't even sure what had just happened, but his stomach felt weird and he knew that whatever it was, it wasn't good. And he had a feeling Merton didn't want Tommy to go after him, but he knew Merton, and he knew how easy it would be to get himself into trouble when he was like that.
As soon as the thought occurred to him he was moving, jogging toward the dining hall to push his way through the crush of students lining up in front of the stack of trays near the door. He pushed through the line and slipped into the kitchen, scanning the row of cadets standing in front of the sinks. Merton was supposed to be there, scrubbing pots and pans from dinner, but there was no sign of him anywhere.
And this was bad, because somebody was going to notice, and then Merton would be in even more trouble. But it also meant that Tommy had no idea where Merton was, and for all he knew Merton could be doing something stupid like trying to walk into town.
He wouldn't leave without his stuff, though, would he? No, Tommy told himself, hoping it was true even as he turned and headed toward the barracks. And he wasn't really worried, because there was no way Merton would get very far even if he did make it into town. But he'd be in even more trouble if anyone found out he'd left campus without permission, and Tommy prayed that he was still in their room as he climbed the barracks stairs two at a time.
By the time he reached their room his heart was hammering in his chest, and he was glad there was no one around to see him. Not that anybody in their squad was talking to him, but he was pretty sure if anyone walked past him right now they'd hear his heart pounding. He wasn't even sure why, because Merton obviously didn't care how much trouble he got into, so Tommy shouldn't either. But he did, and when he pushed the door open and saw Merton standing in the center of the room his heart actually skipped a beat.
Merton's back was to him, but Tommy could see that he wasn't just standing there. His hands were moving, shoulders tense and tiny bits of something white fluttering around him until it looked a little like it was snowing on Merton's boots. Only that wasn't possible, and when Tommy got closer he saw that Merton was ripping up paper. He couldn't tell what it was, but it was obvious from the look on Merton's face that he was still pissed about something, and whatever it was had to do with those papers.
"Merton?" he said, inching a little closer and glancing over Merton's shoulder. And he still couldn't really make out what was on the pages, but he caught a glimpse of what looked like part of a face and suddenly an image of Merton kissing some strange guy flashed in his mind. His stomach clenched even harder and now he really wished he hadn't followed Merton, because he had no idea what to say next.
Merton turned to look at him, eyes flashing with something Tommy didn't recognize, but it made his heart beat faster anyway. His face was red and it was obvious he'd been crying, something else Tommy didn't understand and he had no idea what to do about it.
"God, you just can't take a hint, can you?" Merton said, scrubbing at his face with the back of one arm. And he still sounded pissed, but his voice was kind of thick and defeated at the same time, and Tommy got the feeling Merton wasn't really mad at him.
"You're supposed to be on K.P. duty."
It was a dumb thing to say; he knew that, but the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. And it wasn't what he wanted to say at all; what he wanted to do was ask Merton if he was okay, if this had something to do with that guy in those pictures and maybe find a way to get Merton to talk about it. Because Tommy wanted to know, even though thinking about it usually left him a little breathless and with a weird knot of…something in the pit of his stomach.
He knew he sounded stupid. Pathetic, maybe a little desperate, and he wasn't even sure why. Maybe Merton knew - he knew a lot more about this stuff than Tommy did, obviously - but all he did was roll his eyes and toss the remnants of the pictures he'd been tearing up into their trash can. "You're not in charge anymore, remember? So you can stop telling me what I'm supposed to be doing."
"I know," Tommy answered, hurt mingled with uncertainty and now he really did sound pathetic. "I just…"
"Look, it's none of your business, okay? I don't want to talk about it and I don't want to be your friend. I already have plenty of friends and I don't need you."
The last words were ground out between clenched teeth, and Tommy knew Merton was just trying to get him to back off, but they stung anyway. He didn't even know why, didn't know why he cared or why it bothered him so much that Merton wouldn't tell him what happened. But he did, and he'd never been the type to give up when he cared about something.
Maybe that was why he reached out when Merton tried to push past him. Maybe that was why he grabbed hold of Merton's arm, wincing at the way Merton flinched but holding on anyway, because he wasn't about to let Merton do something stupid like try to run away. "Is this about that guy in the pictures?"
He didn't know he was going to ask until the words came out of his mouth, but as soon as he said them he knew for sure he was right. The way Merton tensed was a pretty good indicator, for one, and then there was the way Merton looked at him like he'd never hated anybody so much in his life. Tommy's stomach twisted hard at that, but instead of letting go he just kept talking.
"I saw the pictures, Merton. I didn't mean to, it just kind of happened. But I don't care…I mean it doesn't matter to me if you're…you know."
For a second Merton didn't say anything. For a second they both just stood there, Tommy's fingers still pressing into Merton's arm and his heart beating so loud he was pretty sure Merton could hear it. Merton was still looking at him, but Tommy couldn't tell what he was thinking. More than anything he wanted to let go, to back off and give Merton some room to do whatever he was going to do. Yell at Tommy for going through his stuff, maybe, or start crying again and finally tell Tommy what happened with that guy back in New York.
But he was just standing there, staring at Tommy like he'd never seen him before, and before Tommy could stop himself he was leaning forward. He didn't even know he was doing it until Merton wrenched out of his grip, eyes dark and face bright red and Tommy had a second to register how good he looked like that before Merton shoved him backwards.
"Stay away from me," he said, voice low and calm and Tommy had to suppress a shudder. He was vaguely aware that he was standing there wide-eyed, staring at Merton like a moron, but a second later Merton was gone and it didn't matter anymore.
~
PS: duckduck, I'm trying to work on the fic. It's just that Brett isn't really being very helpful. Mostly he's just wandering around aimlessly in my head, trying to figure out what he's supposed to do without Avery to look after. It's kind of sad.
Chapter Twenty-Five: Bad Best Friend
Merton had no idea where he was going. He didn't know and he didn't care, all he wanted to do was get away. He knew somewhere behind him Tommy was probably still standing there, that hurt-and-confused look firmly in place, wondering what he'd done to let Merton down this time. But he didn't care about that either. He didn't care about anything, not the fact that he was supposed to report to the mess hall in a few minutes or what would happen when he didn't show up. Nothing mattered anymore, because the only reason he'd had to look forward to getting out of this place was gone.
And God, he'd been so stupid, making all kinds of plans about running away with David to New Hampshire and hiding out together like they were characters in some sappy romance. Like that was ever going to happen when David was probably already 'seeing other people' like…God, like Trent.
The thought of David and his roommate together made Merton's stomach turn, and when he found himself in front of the barracks he marched up the stairs and shoved the door open. Most of the others were already on their way to dinner, so the main floor of the building was empty and when Merton reached the phone there was no one around to see his hands shaking.
He picked up the receiver and dialed Lori's number, eyes closed as he waited for the line to connect. The phone rang, then again and if she wasn't in her room he was going to die. He just had to know, because no matter how much it hurt it was better than what he was already imagining.
The line connected on the fourth ring, and Merton prayed to whoever was listening that it was Lori and not her roommate. "Hello?"
Merton let out the breath he'd been holding and leaned against the wall, receiver gripped hard in one hand as he scanned the entry to make sure no one was listening. "Tell me who he's been screwing around with."
"Merton? Did you get my e-mails?"
Too late he realized that Lori's e-mails might have something important in them, but that didn't matter now. All that mattered was that she knew exactly what he was talking about, and everyone they knew was probably laughing at how stupid he'd been all this time. "Just tell me."
"You know Trent always had a thing for him."
Merton's stomach pitched violently, and for a second he thought he might throw up. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, waiting for the nausea to pass before he tried to talk again. "How long?"
"I don't know," Lori answered, and he couldn't tell whether or not she was telling the truth. "You know I don't hang out with his crowd. All I know is there was a party last weekend, and a lot of people saw them together. They weren't exactly trying to hide it."
"But you think it's been going on longer than that."
A sigh on the other end of the line, and Merton hated how pathetic he must sound. He hated that he'd really believed David would wait around for him, that he believed David wouldn't forget about him the second he was gone. It wasn't like they'd ever said they were staying together, but they hadn't said they were breaking up, either. David hadn't mentioned anything about it on that last night…not that they'd done a lot of talking that night.
His face flushed at the memory and he felt sick all over again, imagining David laughing with Trent about it after he was gone. About how stupid he was to think they could make it work, showing Trent his e-mails like he was some kid with a crush.
Or worse, a summer fling, like one of those club posers David picked up sometimes and used until he got bored. Merton had heard the stories, and at first he'd been a little worried about going out with someone like David. But he'd believed David when he said they were different, believed it when he'd said he liked Merton.
"God," he moaned, forehead pressed against the wall and eyes closed tight to block out a sudden mental picture of David and Trent tangled in a sweaty pile of limbs, laughing at what a moron Merton turned out to be. "Just tell me the rest, Lori."
"Merton…"
"Please."
Another sigh, but he wasn't going to give up. And maybe she knew that, because a second later she was talking. "I don't know if it's true, but I heard from Amanda that she saw Trent and David at a club together awhile ago, and they looked like they were doing a lot more than just hanging out."
"How long ago?"
"July."
It felt like someone reached into his chest and squeezed down hard on his heart. For a second he forgot how to breathe, and he almost wished he could pass out. Just for a few minutes, and maybe when he woke up this would all be some terrible dream. Only Lori was still talking, and Merton's heart sank a little more with every word.
"…don't know if it's true, Merton. But even if it is, it doesn't matter. He's an asshole and he's not good enough for you. Just because he thinks he's God's gift doesn't mean he's right."
He knew she was trying to make him feel better, but her idea of a pep talk just made him want to throw up even more. Because the truth was that he'd thought David was pretty great, and even knowing that David cheated on him…he knew it wasn't true, but it was hard not to believe it was his own fault. Like maybe if he'd done something differently, been more…something, Merton would have been enough for him.
"I have to go."
"Merton…"
"I'll just talk to you later, Lori, okay?" he said before she could finish. He hung up the phone without waiting for an answer, his stomach full of lead as he pushed himself off the wall and headed for the stairs. And now he was sure where he was going; first he was going to obliterate David from his life, and then he was going to find a way to get out of here once and for all.
~
For awhile Tommy just stood there, staring at the spot where Merton had been. He wasn't even sure what had just happened, but his stomach felt weird and he knew that whatever it was, it wasn't good. And he had a feeling Merton didn't want Tommy to go after him, but he knew Merton, and he knew how easy it would be to get himself into trouble when he was like that.
As soon as the thought occurred to him he was moving, jogging toward the dining hall to push his way through the crush of students lining up in front of the stack of trays near the door. He pushed through the line and slipped into the kitchen, scanning the row of cadets standing in front of the sinks. Merton was supposed to be there, scrubbing pots and pans from dinner, but there was no sign of him anywhere.
And this was bad, because somebody was going to notice, and then Merton would be in even more trouble. But it also meant that Tommy had no idea where Merton was, and for all he knew Merton could be doing something stupid like trying to walk into town.
He wouldn't leave without his stuff, though, would he? No, Tommy told himself, hoping it was true even as he turned and headed toward the barracks. And he wasn't really worried, because there was no way Merton would get very far even if he did make it into town. But he'd be in even more trouble if anyone found out he'd left campus without permission, and Tommy prayed that he was still in their room as he climbed the barracks stairs two at a time.
By the time he reached their room his heart was hammering in his chest, and he was glad there was no one around to see him. Not that anybody in their squad was talking to him, but he was pretty sure if anyone walked past him right now they'd hear his heart pounding. He wasn't even sure why, because Merton obviously didn't care how much trouble he got into, so Tommy shouldn't either. But he did, and when he pushed the door open and saw Merton standing in the center of the room his heart actually skipped a beat.
Merton's back was to him, but Tommy could see that he wasn't just standing there. His hands were moving, shoulders tense and tiny bits of something white fluttering around him until it looked a little like it was snowing on Merton's boots. Only that wasn't possible, and when Tommy got closer he saw that Merton was ripping up paper. He couldn't tell what it was, but it was obvious from the look on Merton's face that he was still pissed about something, and whatever it was had to do with those papers.
"Merton?" he said, inching a little closer and glancing over Merton's shoulder. And he still couldn't really make out what was on the pages, but he caught a glimpse of what looked like part of a face and suddenly an image of Merton kissing some strange guy flashed in his mind. His stomach clenched even harder and now he really wished he hadn't followed Merton, because he had no idea what to say next.
Merton turned to look at him, eyes flashing with something Tommy didn't recognize, but it made his heart beat faster anyway. His face was red and it was obvious he'd been crying, something else Tommy didn't understand and he had no idea what to do about it.
"God, you just can't take a hint, can you?" Merton said, scrubbing at his face with the back of one arm. And he still sounded pissed, but his voice was kind of thick and defeated at the same time, and Tommy got the feeling Merton wasn't really mad at him.
"You're supposed to be on K.P. duty."
It was a dumb thing to say; he knew that, but the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. And it wasn't what he wanted to say at all; what he wanted to do was ask Merton if he was okay, if this had something to do with that guy in those pictures and maybe find a way to get Merton to talk about it. Because Tommy wanted to know, even though thinking about it usually left him a little breathless and with a weird knot of…something in the pit of his stomach.
He knew he sounded stupid. Pathetic, maybe a little desperate, and he wasn't even sure why. Maybe Merton knew - he knew a lot more about this stuff than Tommy did, obviously - but all he did was roll his eyes and toss the remnants of the pictures he'd been tearing up into their trash can. "You're not in charge anymore, remember? So you can stop telling me what I'm supposed to be doing."
"I know," Tommy answered, hurt mingled with uncertainty and now he really did sound pathetic. "I just…"
"Look, it's none of your business, okay? I don't want to talk about it and I don't want to be your friend. I already have plenty of friends and I don't need you."
The last words were ground out between clenched teeth, and Tommy knew Merton was just trying to get him to back off, but they stung anyway. He didn't even know why, didn't know why he cared or why it bothered him so much that Merton wouldn't tell him what happened. But he did, and he'd never been the type to give up when he cared about something.
Maybe that was why he reached out when Merton tried to push past him. Maybe that was why he grabbed hold of Merton's arm, wincing at the way Merton flinched but holding on anyway, because he wasn't about to let Merton do something stupid like try to run away. "Is this about that guy in the pictures?"
He didn't know he was going to ask until the words came out of his mouth, but as soon as he said them he knew for sure he was right. The way Merton tensed was a pretty good indicator, for one, and then there was the way Merton looked at him like he'd never hated anybody so much in his life. Tommy's stomach twisted hard at that, but instead of letting go he just kept talking.
"I saw the pictures, Merton. I didn't mean to, it just kind of happened. But I don't care…I mean it doesn't matter to me if you're…you know."
For a second Merton didn't say anything. For a second they both just stood there, Tommy's fingers still pressing into Merton's arm and his heart beating so loud he was pretty sure Merton could hear it. Merton was still looking at him, but Tommy couldn't tell what he was thinking. More than anything he wanted to let go, to back off and give Merton some room to do whatever he was going to do. Yell at Tommy for going through his stuff, maybe, or start crying again and finally tell Tommy what happened with that guy back in New York.
But he was just standing there, staring at Tommy like he'd never seen him before, and before Tommy could stop himself he was leaning forward. He didn't even know he was doing it until Merton wrenched out of his grip, eyes dark and face bright red and Tommy had a second to register how good he looked like that before Merton shoved him backwards.
"Stay away from me," he said, voice low and calm and Tommy had to suppress a shudder. He was vaguely aware that he was standing there wide-eyed, staring at Merton like a moron, but a second later Merton was gone and it didn't matter anymore.
~
PS: duckduck, I'm trying to work on the fic. It's just that Brett isn't really being very helpful. Mostly he's just wandering around aimlessly in my head, trying to figure out what he's supposed to do without Avery to look after. It's kind of sad.