Fic: Whispers of Immortality (Devotion Series 12/14)
Fic: Whispers of Immortality
Fandom: Xena
Pairing: Ares/Joxer
Rating: PG
Summary: Strife takes matters into his own hands, and Joxer makes a decision.
"This is bad."
Strife didn't bother to fight the urge to roll his eyes; Cupid's back was to him, and anyway it was obvious that things were bad. They were just as bad as Strife had predicted they were going to be, and while he wasn't really one to point out when he was right about something he had the sudden urge to say 'I told ya so'. Instead he sank a little lower in the black leather chair, his gaze following Cupid as he paced back and forth in the hallway in front of Ares' bedroom.
"Cupe, yer gonna wear a hole in the floor."
"I don't understand how you can just sit there," Cupid snapped, stopping short and planting his hands on his hips. "Don't you even care that Dad's heart is broken in like a million pieces?"
"Course I care," Strife answered. "Who do ya think's been payin' the price? Ya know he's gonna take it out on everybody around him, and since Jox split that means me."
A heavy sigh escaped Cupid's throat, followed by a frown as he glanced at the closed door to his father's room again. "I should've just shot Joxer and handed him over," he muttered to himself.
Strife was tempted to point out that it wasn't too late, but he didn't bother because he knew Ares wouldn't go for it anyway. If they put some kind of spell on Joxer Ares would be able to smell it all the way from Greece, and then he'd just make their lives even more miserable. No, there had to be a way to make Joxer see that Ares hadn't meant to lie to him; that was the only way they were ever going to work things out. And even though he hadn't said it out loud, Strife was more than a little worried that if they didn't work it out Ares was never going to be the same again.
"Nah. You were right the first time, Cupe. Unc never woulda gone fer that. We gonna think of another way. What about yer mom? It is kinda her mess."
"Don't let her hear you say that," Cupid said, a weak grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. It was worth risking Aphrodite's wrath to see Cupid smile even just a little, and Strife found himself grinning back at the other god.
"Okay, so it's more Unc's mess than hers. But if she wasn't so nutso over Jox this wouldn'ta happened. 'Sides, she's always mutterin' 'bout how Unc'd be a lot less moody if he was gettin' some on a regular basis. She's gotta be workin' on some kinda plan."
Cupid's grin faded, his expression turning thoughtful as he turned back to Strife. "She must be, she's the one that told me to keep an eye on Dad. I guess I should go give her an update."
"Sure, Cupe. I'm gonna stay here in case Unc needs somebody ta throw stuff at." He grinned when Cupid shook his head, leaning up long enough for Cupid to kiss him goodbye. By the time Cupid disappeared he was already lost in thought again, considering and ruling out every bit of mischief he'd ever used. The problem was that they weren't just messing with some unsuspecting mortal's head; this was Ares, and he knew every single one of their tricks. There was no way for Strife to trick Ares into being in the right place when Joxer just happened to show up, he'd know it was a set-up just like he'd know if Cupid shot Joxer and brought him back to Olympus.
So there was nothing Strife could do, but he couldn't stand to see his uncle suffer anymore. It had only been a couple days, but he'd never seen Ares so…well, depressed. Part of him wished Ares would throw something at him, or scream or do anything that let Strife know he hadn't totally lost it. He kept telling Cupid that Ares was taking his frustration out on Strife so Cupid wouldn't worry about his father, but the truth was that Strife had barely seen Ares since the day Joxer went back to Greece.
There wasn't anything Cupid could do; not even Aphrodite had been able to come up with anything, and the more Strife thought about it the more he knew that there was only one person that could set things right. The question was whether or not anybody would be able to get through to Joxer when Ares hadn't been able to do it. Strife pushed himself out of his chair, schooling his features into the most serious expression he could muster. It was worth a try, anyway, and even if he couldn't talk some sense into Joxer at least he'd know he'd given it a shot.
He rematerialized near a small river not far from the road, looking around until he caught sight of Joxer. He was standing waist-deep in the water, oblivious to the sounds of splashing and muted laughter from Xena and Gabrielle a little ways down the river. Slowly Strife made his way to the edge of the bank, debating for a moment whether or not he should read Joxer's thoughts and find out whether or not he was brooding about Ares. The look on his face was enough to answer that question, though, and Strife shook his head and let out a small sigh before finally calling out to the mortal. "Hey, Jox."
At the sound of his name Joxer looked up sharply, the fear and tension in his features fading to resignation when he saw Strife. "What are you doing here?"
"Just came ta see how yer doin'," Strife answered. "Ya took off pretty quick, didn't even get a chance ta say so long."
Joxer frowned at the memory, but he turned toward the bank and slowly began making his way out of the water. "You came all the way down here to say goodbye to me?"
"I just told ya, I came ta see how yer doin'." Strife rolled his eyes as though that much should be obvious, taking a seat on the ground and leaning back on his hands to watch Joxer dry off. "Ya sure ya don't want me ta make ya some new clothes? It'd just take a second."
Joxer shook his head, but the small, self-conscious smile he couldn't quite hide let Strife know he appreciated the offer. He'd turned down all their offers of gifts while he'd been on Olympus, insisting that his own things were good enough and that there were people that needed the gods' help far more than he did. Strife had never really understood the business of self-sacrifice, but he liked Joxer enough to respect his wishes. Once Joxer was dressed and sitting a companionable distance away from him Strife leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees as he studied the other man's profile.
"So yer really gonna go through with it, huh?"
"Go through with what?"
"This," Strife answered, waving his hand impatiently at their surroundings. "Yer just gonna go back ta hangin' out with Xena and Blondie and forget all about what ya coulda had?"
"What I could have…" Joxer trailed off, and wow, Strife had no idea that he could look that angry. He'd never seen Joxer actually lose his temper except for those few seconds with his dad, and they'd missed most of that show by the time they got there. He'd always figured Joxer for the type to back down from a fight when it came right down to it, but the fact that he wasn't worried about getting pissed off at a god actually made Strife respect him a little more. When he spoke again his voice was carefully controlled, and Strife could tell he was trying not to lose it. "Look, Strife, I appreciate everything you've all done for me, really. But this is my life. I'm a mortal, this is where I belong. There's nothing for me on Olympus."
"Ya don't believe that, Jox, I know ya don't. Ya asked Dite ta find yer friend fer ya, right? Well, we found him and we handed him over, just like ya wanted. So what's the problem? He's still just as crazy about ya as he was when ya were a kid."
Joxer shook his head and looked away, his jaw set in a way that let Strife know he wasn't really interested in listening to reason. Not that Strife could really blame him; Ares could have told him the truth a long time ago, but not even Joxer knew how he would have reacted if Ares had told him who he really was when Joxer was still a kid. There was no way to go back and change the past, not without getting in a lot of trouble, anyway, so Strife just had to convince Joxer that Ares had a good reason for keeping quiet.
"Look, ya liked Ares before ya knew he was yer long-lost boyfriend, right? Ya had to like him, ya asked me about a million questions about him."
A faint blush crept into the mortal's cheeks, and he ventured a quick glance at Strife before looking away again. "Of course I did. He's…how could I not have had feelings for him? He's strong and handsome and he was always so interested in what I had to say. Nobody's ever cared what I thought, not really. Not since…"
He didn't say the name, but he didn't have to remind Strife of who he was talking about. "He's still that same guy, Jox. And he's still nuts about ya. Even if he's too proud ta do anythin' about it."
"It doesn't matter," Joxer said, his voice low with the effort to keep it from shaking. "He lied, he said Timo was dead. Even when he knew how much I still loved him, he lied. He could have just come to me and told me the truth when I first asked Aphrodite for help. Or when I ran away all those years ago because I thought it was the only way to protect him. Can you believe that? Me, trying to protect the god of War."
Joxer choked on a bitter laugh, clearing his throat and looking away so Strife wouldn't see the tears stinging his eyes. In a way it was kind of funny, but it was kind of sweet too. At least Strife thought so, and he was pretty sure that was the way Ares would see it. There was no way he was ever going to be able to ask, though, not as long as Joxer wouldn't talk to him. No one would dare to even bring up Joxer's name around Ares unless they found a way to work things out, and Ares obviously wasn't going to make the first move.
"Think about it from his place fer a second," Strife said, shifting a little closer to Joxer so he could see the other man's expression. "I mean when he first noticed ya how old were ya?"
"Ten."
"Tartarus, Jox, you were just a baby." He'd known Joxer was young when Ares fell in love with him, but he hadn't bothered to get all the details before now. Knowing that changed things; he understood for the first time why it was so hard for Ares to tell Joxer the truth, and why things had gotten so complicated. "Unc couldn'ta been expectin' ta fall in love. Not with a kid."
"We were just friends until I was fourteen," Joxer said, his cheeks an even brighter shade of pink as he carefully avoided Strife's gaze. "Then I kissed him."
Strife raised his eyebrows at the tone of Joxer's voice, but he knew better than to push the mortal before he was ready. He could hear the regret in Joxer's words, though, and he couldn't help wondering if it was because Joxer wished he'd never kissed Ares back then or if it was because he was missing what they had. "Do ya remember what that felt like?"
"What?" The question surprised Joxer into looking up again, forgetting his embarrassment long enough to frown at the god.
"The first time ya kissed him. Do ya remember how ya felt right before ya did it?"
"Of course," Joxer answered, fresh regret creeping into his eyes as he turned away from Strife. "I was terrified that he was going to laugh at me, or push me away and I'd never see him again. I thought I was going to lose him."
"So why lose him when ya know ya don't hafta? Didn't he tell ya how crazy he still is about ya?"
Joxer opened his mouth to answer, but before he got the words out he was interrupted by the sound of Xena calling his name. A few seconds later she rounded the bend in the river, stopping short when she realized Joxer wasn't alone. "Strife? What are you doing here?"
"Hey, cuz," he said, grinning as he stood up and turned to face her. "Just checkin' in on Jox. How're things goin' with Blondie?" His grin grew a little wider when Xena scowled at him, a blush he'd never thought she'd be capable of rising in her cheeks. "Cupe'll be glad ta hear it. See ya, cuz."
He turned back to Joxer long enough to wink at him, hoping the mortal would at least think about what he'd said. A second later he was gone, leaving Joxer at Xena's mercy. He knew she was probably dying to ask him what Strife had really wanted from him, but he still hadn't told his friend about his time on Olympus and he wasn't about to start now.
"Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine," Joxer assured her, ignoring the nagging voice in the back of his mind reminding him that everything was far from fine. In fact he was almost sure nothing would ever be alright again, because he'd spent the past few days doing nothing but think about Ares. He'd tried everything he could think of to put the god out of his mind, but no matter what he did thoughts of Ares kept creeping back into his consciousness.
Only now his memories of Timo were all mixed up with his memories of his time on Olympus, and each new memory reminded him of some similarity between Ares and the boy he'd fallen in love with almost twenty years ago. There had been a thousand little clues, but he'd never picked up on any of them because he hadn't wanted to know. But he should have been able to tell, shouldn't he? Shouldn't he have recognized the love of his life no matter what he looked like now?
A heavy sigh escaped his throat as he followed Xena back toward the clearing where they planned to spend the night, but he ignored her concerned expression and the questions he knew she was dying to ask. She and Gabrielle had shown an amazing amount of restraint since Aphrodite had sent him back to Greece, and even though he knew Gabbie was dying to ask questions he appreciated the fact that they respected his privacy. Part of him wanted to be able to confide in his friends, to talk to someone who might be able to help him make sense of what he was feeling. He knew how they felt about Ares, though, and he knew them well enough to know they'd have a hard time seeing past who he was long enough to understand what Joxer was going through.
It was hard for even Joxer to believe that Ares had feelings for him, even after all the time they'd spent together. Even now that he knew that Ares had been watching him his whole life it was hard to believe, and he still felt as though he was waiting to wake up from an amazing and terrible dream. Only this was no dream, because if it was his heart wouldn't ache so much that it was hard to breathe, and he wouldn't find himself wishing every so often that he'd just let Ares explain why he'd done it.
The worst part wasn't even that Ares had lied to him; the thing that hurt the most was that for just a few moments he'd had Timo back again, he'd had everything he'd ever wanted and he'd lost it all over again. Losing the love of his life once was bad enough, but to know he was still out there and that Joxer had walked away…sometimes he hated himself for walking away from Ares that way, because no matter how much it hurt to know he lied he couldn't deny that Ares cared about him.
He'd tried; gods, how he'd tried to convince himself that Ares had just been using an innocent mortal for his own amusement. The thought still left a bitter taste in his mouth, but no matter how hard he'd tried to convince himself it was true, he knew better. He knew those six years hadn't all been a lie, because if Ares was just using him he would have gotten bored long before Joxer ever got old enough to fall in love with him. And even when Joxer was old enough to know what he wanted Ares had asked him if he was sure; he'd taken things so slowly that sometimes Joxer felt like crying from frustration, so there was no way it had all been a lie.
He still hated that Ares hadn't told him the truth years ago, but part of him wanted to understand why Ares had done it. He wanted another chance to understand, but most of all he wanted to hear that voice again and feel those arms that made him feel so safe no matter what was happening around them. They'd already let fifteen years pass them by, and there was no telling how much time he had left. People died around him every day, and he didn't want to spend eternity regretting the decision to walk out on Ares just because he was hurt by a lie.
Until Strife showed up he hadn't been sure Ares would still want to see him; he'd been afraid for days that walking away like that had cost him his last chance, but now that he knew Ares was in as much pain as he was he knew what he had to do. It was surprisingly easy to make the decision, especially considering how much time he'd spent telling himself to just forget Ares and get on with his life. Now that he knew that it wasn't too late he felt lighter, as though Strife's visit had finally lifted off the weight he'd been carrying around since he left Olympus.
His pulse was pounding so loud against his ears when he finally made his decision that he was barely aware of the soft conversation across the fire, and he didn't notice the fact that his traveling companions were watching him curiously. He took the plate Gabrielle handed to him without looking at it, his mind already far away from the little clearing on the edge of the woods. There was no way for him to know whether or not it was too late, and the truth was that he didn't even know how to go about finding out. All he knew was that he'd wasted too much time already, and he couldn't live the rest of his life not knowing if he'd made the right decision.
"I have to go," he said quietly, the sound of his voice surprising even him. He wasn't even sure he'd actually said it out loud until he looked up to find Xena and Gabrielle staring at him in wide-eyed surprise. "There's something I have to do."
"Where do you have to go?" Xena asked, setting her own plate down carefully before she focused on Joxer again.
"There's someone I need to speak to. In Thebes," he added quickly. He wanted to go home, back to the old temple where it had all started, but that would take days and he didn't want to run the risk of talking himself out of what he'd decided to do.
"We'll go with you," Xena said, and it was obvious from her expression that she thought Joxer might have lost more than a few days while he was staying with Aphrodite. "If we leave first thing in the morning we can make it in time to get a room at the inn."
Joxer nodded slowly, finally picking up his fork and looking down at his plate. He knew it wouldn't do any good to argue with her, and at least this way they wouldn't worry when they woke up in the morning and found him gone.
Fandom: Xena
Pairing: Ares/Joxer
Rating: PG
Summary: Strife takes matters into his own hands, and Joxer makes a decision.
"This is bad."
Strife didn't bother to fight the urge to roll his eyes; Cupid's back was to him, and anyway it was obvious that things were bad. They were just as bad as Strife had predicted they were going to be, and while he wasn't really one to point out when he was right about something he had the sudden urge to say 'I told ya so'. Instead he sank a little lower in the black leather chair, his gaze following Cupid as he paced back and forth in the hallway in front of Ares' bedroom.
"Cupe, yer gonna wear a hole in the floor."
"I don't understand how you can just sit there," Cupid snapped, stopping short and planting his hands on his hips. "Don't you even care that Dad's heart is broken in like a million pieces?"
"Course I care," Strife answered. "Who do ya think's been payin' the price? Ya know he's gonna take it out on everybody around him, and since Jox split that means me."
A heavy sigh escaped Cupid's throat, followed by a frown as he glanced at the closed door to his father's room again. "I should've just shot Joxer and handed him over," he muttered to himself.
Strife was tempted to point out that it wasn't too late, but he didn't bother because he knew Ares wouldn't go for it anyway. If they put some kind of spell on Joxer Ares would be able to smell it all the way from Greece, and then he'd just make their lives even more miserable. No, there had to be a way to make Joxer see that Ares hadn't meant to lie to him; that was the only way they were ever going to work things out. And even though he hadn't said it out loud, Strife was more than a little worried that if they didn't work it out Ares was never going to be the same again.
"Nah. You were right the first time, Cupe. Unc never woulda gone fer that. We gonna think of another way. What about yer mom? It is kinda her mess."
"Don't let her hear you say that," Cupid said, a weak grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. It was worth risking Aphrodite's wrath to see Cupid smile even just a little, and Strife found himself grinning back at the other god.
"Okay, so it's more Unc's mess than hers. But if she wasn't so nutso over Jox this wouldn'ta happened. 'Sides, she's always mutterin' 'bout how Unc'd be a lot less moody if he was gettin' some on a regular basis. She's gotta be workin' on some kinda plan."
Cupid's grin faded, his expression turning thoughtful as he turned back to Strife. "She must be, she's the one that told me to keep an eye on Dad. I guess I should go give her an update."
"Sure, Cupe. I'm gonna stay here in case Unc needs somebody ta throw stuff at." He grinned when Cupid shook his head, leaning up long enough for Cupid to kiss him goodbye. By the time Cupid disappeared he was already lost in thought again, considering and ruling out every bit of mischief he'd ever used. The problem was that they weren't just messing with some unsuspecting mortal's head; this was Ares, and he knew every single one of their tricks. There was no way for Strife to trick Ares into being in the right place when Joxer just happened to show up, he'd know it was a set-up just like he'd know if Cupid shot Joxer and brought him back to Olympus.
So there was nothing Strife could do, but he couldn't stand to see his uncle suffer anymore. It had only been a couple days, but he'd never seen Ares so…well, depressed. Part of him wished Ares would throw something at him, or scream or do anything that let Strife know he hadn't totally lost it. He kept telling Cupid that Ares was taking his frustration out on Strife so Cupid wouldn't worry about his father, but the truth was that Strife had barely seen Ares since the day Joxer went back to Greece.
There wasn't anything Cupid could do; not even Aphrodite had been able to come up with anything, and the more Strife thought about it the more he knew that there was only one person that could set things right. The question was whether or not anybody would be able to get through to Joxer when Ares hadn't been able to do it. Strife pushed himself out of his chair, schooling his features into the most serious expression he could muster. It was worth a try, anyway, and even if he couldn't talk some sense into Joxer at least he'd know he'd given it a shot.
He rematerialized near a small river not far from the road, looking around until he caught sight of Joxer. He was standing waist-deep in the water, oblivious to the sounds of splashing and muted laughter from Xena and Gabrielle a little ways down the river. Slowly Strife made his way to the edge of the bank, debating for a moment whether or not he should read Joxer's thoughts and find out whether or not he was brooding about Ares. The look on his face was enough to answer that question, though, and Strife shook his head and let out a small sigh before finally calling out to the mortal. "Hey, Jox."
At the sound of his name Joxer looked up sharply, the fear and tension in his features fading to resignation when he saw Strife. "What are you doing here?"
"Just came ta see how yer doin'," Strife answered. "Ya took off pretty quick, didn't even get a chance ta say so long."
Joxer frowned at the memory, but he turned toward the bank and slowly began making his way out of the water. "You came all the way down here to say goodbye to me?"
"I just told ya, I came ta see how yer doin'." Strife rolled his eyes as though that much should be obvious, taking a seat on the ground and leaning back on his hands to watch Joxer dry off. "Ya sure ya don't want me ta make ya some new clothes? It'd just take a second."
Joxer shook his head, but the small, self-conscious smile he couldn't quite hide let Strife know he appreciated the offer. He'd turned down all their offers of gifts while he'd been on Olympus, insisting that his own things were good enough and that there were people that needed the gods' help far more than he did. Strife had never really understood the business of self-sacrifice, but he liked Joxer enough to respect his wishes. Once Joxer was dressed and sitting a companionable distance away from him Strife leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees as he studied the other man's profile.
"So yer really gonna go through with it, huh?"
"Go through with what?"
"This," Strife answered, waving his hand impatiently at their surroundings. "Yer just gonna go back ta hangin' out with Xena and Blondie and forget all about what ya coulda had?"
"What I could have…" Joxer trailed off, and wow, Strife had no idea that he could look that angry. He'd never seen Joxer actually lose his temper except for those few seconds with his dad, and they'd missed most of that show by the time they got there. He'd always figured Joxer for the type to back down from a fight when it came right down to it, but the fact that he wasn't worried about getting pissed off at a god actually made Strife respect him a little more. When he spoke again his voice was carefully controlled, and Strife could tell he was trying not to lose it. "Look, Strife, I appreciate everything you've all done for me, really. But this is my life. I'm a mortal, this is where I belong. There's nothing for me on Olympus."
"Ya don't believe that, Jox, I know ya don't. Ya asked Dite ta find yer friend fer ya, right? Well, we found him and we handed him over, just like ya wanted. So what's the problem? He's still just as crazy about ya as he was when ya were a kid."
Joxer shook his head and looked away, his jaw set in a way that let Strife know he wasn't really interested in listening to reason. Not that Strife could really blame him; Ares could have told him the truth a long time ago, but not even Joxer knew how he would have reacted if Ares had told him who he really was when Joxer was still a kid. There was no way to go back and change the past, not without getting in a lot of trouble, anyway, so Strife just had to convince Joxer that Ares had a good reason for keeping quiet.
"Look, ya liked Ares before ya knew he was yer long-lost boyfriend, right? Ya had to like him, ya asked me about a million questions about him."
A faint blush crept into the mortal's cheeks, and he ventured a quick glance at Strife before looking away again. "Of course I did. He's…how could I not have had feelings for him? He's strong and handsome and he was always so interested in what I had to say. Nobody's ever cared what I thought, not really. Not since…"
He didn't say the name, but he didn't have to remind Strife of who he was talking about. "He's still that same guy, Jox. And he's still nuts about ya. Even if he's too proud ta do anythin' about it."
"It doesn't matter," Joxer said, his voice low with the effort to keep it from shaking. "He lied, he said Timo was dead. Even when he knew how much I still loved him, he lied. He could have just come to me and told me the truth when I first asked Aphrodite for help. Or when I ran away all those years ago because I thought it was the only way to protect him. Can you believe that? Me, trying to protect the god of War."
Joxer choked on a bitter laugh, clearing his throat and looking away so Strife wouldn't see the tears stinging his eyes. In a way it was kind of funny, but it was kind of sweet too. At least Strife thought so, and he was pretty sure that was the way Ares would see it. There was no way he was ever going to be able to ask, though, not as long as Joxer wouldn't talk to him. No one would dare to even bring up Joxer's name around Ares unless they found a way to work things out, and Ares obviously wasn't going to make the first move.
"Think about it from his place fer a second," Strife said, shifting a little closer to Joxer so he could see the other man's expression. "I mean when he first noticed ya how old were ya?"
"Ten."
"Tartarus, Jox, you were just a baby." He'd known Joxer was young when Ares fell in love with him, but he hadn't bothered to get all the details before now. Knowing that changed things; he understood for the first time why it was so hard for Ares to tell Joxer the truth, and why things had gotten so complicated. "Unc couldn'ta been expectin' ta fall in love. Not with a kid."
"We were just friends until I was fourteen," Joxer said, his cheeks an even brighter shade of pink as he carefully avoided Strife's gaze. "Then I kissed him."
Strife raised his eyebrows at the tone of Joxer's voice, but he knew better than to push the mortal before he was ready. He could hear the regret in Joxer's words, though, and he couldn't help wondering if it was because Joxer wished he'd never kissed Ares back then or if it was because he was missing what they had. "Do ya remember what that felt like?"
"What?" The question surprised Joxer into looking up again, forgetting his embarrassment long enough to frown at the god.
"The first time ya kissed him. Do ya remember how ya felt right before ya did it?"
"Of course," Joxer answered, fresh regret creeping into his eyes as he turned away from Strife. "I was terrified that he was going to laugh at me, or push me away and I'd never see him again. I thought I was going to lose him."
"So why lose him when ya know ya don't hafta? Didn't he tell ya how crazy he still is about ya?"
Joxer opened his mouth to answer, but before he got the words out he was interrupted by the sound of Xena calling his name. A few seconds later she rounded the bend in the river, stopping short when she realized Joxer wasn't alone. "Strife? What are you doing here?"
"Hey, cuz," he said, grinning as he stood up and turned to face her. "Just checkin' in on Jox. How're things goin' with Blondie?" His grin grew a little wider when Xena scowled at him, a blush he'd never thought she'd be capable of rising in her cheeks. "Cupe'll be glad ta hear it. See ya, cuz."
He turned back to Joxer long enough to wink at him, hoping the mortal would at least think about what he'd said. A second later he was gone, leaving Joxer at Xena's mercy. He knew she was probably dying to ask him what Strife had really wanted from him, but he still hadn't told his friend about his time on Olympus and he wasn't about to start now.
"Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine," Joxer assured her, ignoring the nagging voice in the back of his mind reminding him that everything was far from fine. In fact he was almost sure nothing would ever be alright again, because he'd spent the past few days doing nothing but think about Ares. He'd tried everything he could think of to put the god out of his mind, but no matter what he did thoughts of Ares kept creeping back into his consciousness.
Only now his memories of Timo were all mixed up with his memories of his time on Olympus, and each new memory reminded him of some similarity between Ares and the boy he'd fallen in love with almost twenty years ago. There had been a thousand little clues, but he'd never picked up on any of them because he hadn't wanted to know. But he should have been able to tell, shouldn't he? Shouldn't he have recognized the love of his life no matter what he looked like now?
A heavy sigh escaped his throat as he followed Xena back toward the clearing where they planned to spend the night, but he ignored her concerned expression and the questions he knew she was dying to ask. She and Gabrielle had shown an amazing amount of restraint since Aphrodite had sent him back to Greece, and even though he knew Gabbie was dying to ask questions he appreciated the fact that they respected his privacy. Part of him wanted to be able to confide in his friends, to talk to someone who might be able to help him make sense of what he was feeling. He knew how they felt about Ares, though, and he knew them well enough to know they'd have a hard time seeing past who he was long enough to understand what Joxer was going through.
It was hard for even Joxer to believe that Ares had feelings for him, even after all the time they'd spent together. Even now that he knew that Ares had been watching him his whole life it was hard to believe, and he still felt as though he was waiting to wake up from an amazing and terrible dream. Only this was no dream, because if it was his heart wouldn't ache so much that it was hard to breathe, and he wouldn't find himself wishing every so often that he'd just let Ares explain why he'd done it.
The worst part wasn't even that Ares had lied to him; the thing that hurt the most was that for just a few moments he'd had Timo back again, he'd had everything he'd ever wanted and he'd lost it all over again. Losing the love of his life once was bad enough, but to know he was still out there and that Joxer had walked away…sometimes he hated himself for walking away from Ares that way, because no matter how much it hurt to know he lied he couldn't deny that Ares cared about him.
He'd tried; gods, how he'd tried to convince himself that Ares had just been using an innocent mortal for his own amusement. The thought still left a bitter taste in his mouth, but no matter how hard he'd tried to convince himself it was true, he knew better. He knew those six years hadn't all been a lie, because if Ares was just using him he would have gotten bored long before Joxer ever got old enough to fall in love with him. And even when Joxer was old enough to know what he wanted Ares had asked him if he was sure; he'd taken things so slowly that sometimes Joxer felt like crying from frustration, so there was no way it had all been a lie.
He still hated that Ares hadn't told him the truth years ago, but part of him wanted to understand why Ares had done it. He wanted another chance to understand, but most of all he wanted to hear that voice again and feel those arms that made him feel so safe no matter what was happening around them. They'd already let fifteen years pass them by, and there was no telling how much time he had left. People died around him every day, and he didn't want to spend eternity regretting the decision to walk out on Ares just because he was hurt by a lie.
Until Strife showed up he hadn't been sure Ares would still want to see him; he'd been afraid for days that walking away like that had cost him his last chance, but now that he knew Ares was in as much pain as he was he knew what he had to do. It was surprisingly easy to make the decision, especially considering how much time he'd spent telling himself to just forget Ares and get on with his life. Now that he knew that it wasn't too late he felt lighter, as though Strife's visit had finally lifted off the weight he'd been carrying around since he left Olympus.
His pulse was pounding so loud against his ears when he finally made his decision that he was barely aware of the soft conversation across the fire, and he didn't notice the fact that his traveling companions were watching him curiously. He took the plate Gabrielle handed to him without looking at it, his mind already far away from the little clearing on the edge of the woods. There was no way for him to know whether or not it was too late, and the truth was that he didn't even know how to go about finding out. All he knew was that he'd wasted too much time already, and he couldn't live the rest of his life not knowing if he'd made the right decision.
"I have to go," he said quietly, the sound of his voice surprising even him. He wasn't even sure he'd actually said it out loud until he looked up to find Xena and Gabrielle staring at him in wide-eyed surprise. "There's something I have to do."
"Where do you have to go?" Xena asked, setting her own plate down carefully before she focused on Joxer again.
"There's someone I need to speak to. In Thebes," he added quickly. He wanted to go home, back to the old temple where it had all started, but that would take days and he didn't want to run the risk of talking himself out of what he'd decided to do.
"We'll go with you," Xena said, and it was obvious from her expression that she thought Joxer might have lost more than a few days while he was staying with Aphrodite. "If we leave first thing in the morning we can make it in time to get a room at the inn."
Joxer nodded slowly, finally picking up his fork and looking down at his plate. He knew it wouldn't do any good to argue with her, and at least this way they wouldn't worry when they woke up in the morning and found him gone.