Fic: Little Wheels 2/2 (CSI, Nick/Greg, NC17)

[carolinecrane]

Title: Little Wheels
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Rating: NC17
Summary: What if you had all the time in the world to make things right?



The plan was simple. All he had to do was stay awake, and between the night shift and enough caffeine to give him heart palpations, it should have been no problem. He'd worked plenty of doubles before, sometimes triples without more than a cat nap, so there was no reason he couldn't stay awake until Christmas Day was over.

He'd gone home and made more coffee, tried not to play his conversation with Greg over and over while he watched whatever football game was on. When he felt himself drifting he took a cold shower, then he drank more coffee and at one point he even went for a jog in an attempt to stay awake.

Yet somehow, without ever even going into his bedroom, he still woke up face down on his pillow. He knew without looking what day it was, knew that everything he'd said and done the day before was forgotten by everyone except him. He was the only one who'd remember all the work he'd done, on the case and on getting through to Greg. Which meant he was back at square one, and if he couldn't change anything then there was no point in trying.

So he just didn't get up; instead he pulled the blankets over his head, ignoring his cell phone and his pager when they went off. He knew the night shift was well under way when someone pounded on his front door, but he ignored that too and just went back to sleep. And it felt…good, ignoring his responsibilities for once. Not that anyone would remember when the day started over, but for now he could enjoy the thought of the rest of the team wondering where he was and worrying if he was okay.

He felt a little guilty for making them worry when he thought about how hard they'd all fought to save him the last time he went missing, but none of them would remember today in a few hours, so it didn't really matter. Besides, he deserved a break from processing the same evidence he'd already processed five times, especially when he was the only one who remembered having to do it.

But hanging around at home gave him a lot of time to think, so when his alarm went off on the seventh day he got out of bed. He took a shower, got dressed and locked the front door, but instead of driving to the lab he drove to Greg's apartment complex instead. And he wasn't even sure why, because Greg lived on the third floor and Nick couldn't see into his place from the parking lot.

He could see Greg's door, though, and he could see if there was anyone there to see Greg off. But no one came to the door to kiss him goodbye when he left, and Nick didn't realize how worried he was about it until he saw that Greg had spent the night alone. And it felt a little creepy, watching Greg get into his car and then following him to the lab, but that didn't stop Nick from following him home again after their shift.

He was pretty sure Greg didn't see him; he was distracted by the case he'd been working, just like every other night he'd worked the same case, so the last thing on his mind was the possibility that his ex-boyfriend was stalking him. And Nick wouldn't do that, because he knew what it felt like. He just wanted to know if Greg was going home alone, if he was spending Christmas alone or if there was someone new to take Nick's place.

Greg sat in his car for a long time that morning, just staring at his hands where they rested on the steering wheel. And Nick wanted to get out of the car and go to him, just to make sure he was going to be okay. But he'd already tried to talk to Greg, and every time it ended with Greg telling him to get lost. So he kept his distance and just watched, and when Greg finally got out of his car and went inside, Nick hated himself a little for being glad Greg was alone.

On the eighth day he didn't stop at Greg's place on the way to work. He meant to go straight to the lab, but when he got there he just…didn't stop. Instead he kept driving, past the lab and straight out of town until he was heading south. He didn't know where he was going or what he was going to do once he got there, but he wasn't surprised when he found himself in Flagstaff.

It was still dark when he got there, but he sat in his car and waited until the sun began to rise over the horizon. And he knew it wouldn't work this time either, but he let himself hope that maybe, just maybe when he got home this time, Christmas would be over. He wasn't sure how long he sat and watched the sun come up over the trees, but somewhere between wondering if there was somewhere to get a cup of coffee and what would happen if he just kept driving until he hit Texas, he dozed off again.

When he woke up he was right back in his bed, truck parked in the driveway where he'd left it the night before. And okay, running from the problem hadn't worked any better than avoiding it completely. All it did was make him feel even worse when he woke up and had to start all over again, and it didn't get him any closer to figuring out what he was supposed to be fixing.

The dead tourist case obviously wasn't the problem, and trying to help Greg hadn't gotten him anywhere either. That only left one possible answer, and Nick started day nine determined to fix it. He got through his own case as fast as he could, and as soon as he got back to the lab he tracked down Catherine and pumped her for as much information on her suicide as she'd give up.

She was right; it was a rough case, and Nick hated that Greg had to keep reliving it every night, even if he didn't remember. The kid who'd killed himself was a fifteen-year-old loner who'd left behind parents who seemed to love him, even if they couldn't get along. They'd spend the rest of their lives blaming themselves and each other for letting this happen, and every Christmas for the rest of their lives was going to remind them of what they'd lost. But the worst part was the younger brother who'd found him, and Nick knew Greg was probably picturing the look on that kid's face every time he let his guard down.

By the time he finished questioning Catherine he knew she thought he was as crazy as Warrick did, but it didn't matter. They'd both wake up in the morning with no memory of any of this, and Nick would have all the information he needed. So he bided his time, and when he got home he set his alarm clock a little earlier than usual.

He wasn't surprised when it went off at the same time it had for the past nine days.

Still, he was pretty sure he had enough time, at least if he hurried. He knew the neighborhood where the kid lived, and it was only a ten minute drive on a good day. There were already people out on the roads doing their last-minute shopping, but Nick took the back roads and managed to avoid most of the holiday traffic. He thought about calling ahead, maybe telling the parents to check on their kid, but he couldn't run the risk of his cell number appearing on their phone records. Not that it would matter if this didn't work, he reminded himself as he pulled onto their street.

But he was too late; the ambulance was already in their driveway, and there was a haunted-looking kid standing on the front porch watching the paramedics rush up the steps. Nick's first instinct was to go inside and see if he could do anything to help. Except that the uniforms weren't even here yet, and there was no way he could explain how he'd happened to be driving by. So instead he turned around in the neighbor's driveway and told himself he'd try harder tomorrow.

Only every day was the same, and no matter how many times he tried, he was always too late. He spent an entire week banging his head against the wall, and by the time he finally admitted to himself that it was pointless, he felt exactly the way Greg looked every night when he got back to the lab.

And it wasn't fair, because he'd tried everything and he couldn't save that kid. No matter what he did or how much he wanted it, he was always too late. So what was the point of putting him through the same torture day after day, if it was going to end the same way no matter what?

~

Eighteen days. Eighteen times he'd lived through the same day, and every time it got a little more hopeless.

He'd tried everything; he'd wasted hours searching for clues about the dead tourist, and when he'd come up empty he'd moved on to the dead kid. But he hadn't been able to help there either, and he hadn't even been able to spare Greg the pain by trading cases with him. He'd tried talking to Greg about the case, and when that didn't work he'd tried talking about them, but Greg didn't want to hear any of it. So he was out of options, and that was the only explanation he could come up with for what he was doing here.

Nick had been hanging around the lab when Greg left for the day, and he'd seen the look on Greg's face. He'd looked even more miserable than usual, like maybe reliving this case really was getting to him, even if he couldn't remember that he was reliving it. And Nick knew that was crazy, but it wasn't any crazier than what was happening to him.

So he followed Greg out of the lab, and then he followed him home. He waited while Greg sat in his car and stared at nothing, then he waited until Greg was safely inside his apartment. That was when he should have turned his truck back on and driven home, but 'should have' wasn't really working out for him these days, so instead he got out of the truck and crossed the parking lot. He climbed the stairs to Greg's apartment two at a time, then he knocked before he could talk himself out of it.

He waited a minute, then another, listening for the sound of footsteps on the other side of the door. He was about to give up when the door swung open, then Greg was standing in front of him. There were dark circles under his eyes and his shirt was hanging open, shoes off and it was obvious he wasn't looking for company.

"What are you doing here?"

"I was hoping we could talk."

"I don't want to talk to you," Greg answered, but when he started to swing the door closed Nick reached out and caught it.

"Just hear me out. Five minutes, that's all I'm asking for."

Greg didn't answer, but he stood aside to let Nick in. His apartment hadn't changed since Nick was here last; it was still a mess, but there were more books piled on top of the TV and a laptop in the center of the coffee table. There were takeout containers on the kitchen counter and Nick couldn't tell from where he was standing, but he was pretty sure there were at least a few dishes in the sink. Still, there was no sign that anybody else was spending a lot of time here, and that, at least, was encouraging.

Nick waited until Greg shut the door again to start talking, and when he did open his mouth the words came out in a rush. "Look, G, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I just want you to know that I tried to make things right. I did everything I could think of, I…."

"I don't want to talk," Greg said again, shaking his head and moving forward and Nick was pretty sure Greg hadn't heard a word he said. Not that it made much sense anyway, but he knew he needed to say it. Greg needed to understand, even if it didn't change anything between them.

"Greg, listen…"

"Shut up," Greg said, then he was pushing Nick backwards and when his back hit the wall Nick got it. And this wasn't the way this was supposed to go, but when Greg kissed him he couldn't stop himself from kissing back. His arms went around Greg's waist automatically, hands pushing up under his shirt to flatten against warm skin. He traced the pattern of uneven scars, seeking out that marks he'd memorized a long time ago.

And he'd missed this; he'd missed everything about Greg, missed the way he threw himself into everything and the way he kissed and the way he looked at Nick like he couldn't believe Nick wanted him. It wasn't fair to have to give that up again, but this wasn't going to solve anything, and when he remembered why he was here he dragged his mouth away from Greg's.

"Wait a second," he said, pushing Greg a few inches away. "I know tonight was rough…"

Greg made a frustrated sound in the back of his throat and gripped the front of Nick's shirt, pulling him down the hall toward the bedroom. "I said…" another kiss against his jaw, "I don't want…" and Greg's lips landed on his neck, "to talk."

This was all wrong. Nick knew it was all wrong, but it felt right, and he knew if he kept pushing Greg was going to kick him out. And maybe if he stayed, Greg would be willing to listen after. Sex usually relaxed him whenever he was keyed up from a really bad case, and if Nick could use that to his advantage…well, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

So he let Greg pull him into the bedroom, and he let himself be pushed onto the bed. He propped himself up on his elbows and watched while Greg pulled his own clothes off, then went to work on Nick's clothes. And Nick had seen him in a hurry before, seen him laughing and enthusiastic as they scrambled out of their clothes. But he'd never seen Greg look so…desperate, like if they didn't do this he'd fall apart.

"Greg…"

Another kiss, harder than the last one and Nick knew it was more to shut him up than anything. His urgency was scary, but it was sort of infectious too, and when Greg reached for lube and a condom Nick didn't try to slow him down. Instead he just held on and let Greg press the lube into his hand, pouring clear gel onto his fingers while Greg straddled his thighs. They'd done this enough times for Nick to know exactly what Greg liked, so he didn't have to think about it. Instead he focused on the way Greg's skin flushed when Nick's fingers slid inside him, the way his hand curled around his cock and the way his back arched when he pushed back to drive Nick's fingers even further inside.

And he was beautiful like this, but as soon as he said it out loud Nick knew it was a mistake. Just for a second Greg looked at him, eyes flashing with some emotion Nick couldn't name, then he surged forward and kissed Nick again. It was nothing like the way Greg used to kiss him; this was all need and anger and desperation, and Nick pulled his fingers away and slid an arm around Greg's waist to flip them over.

When Greg was pinned to the mattress under him he opened his mouth again, but as soon as he saw Greg's expression he thought better of it. Instead he leaned in for another kiss, slower this time but there was still a little urgency around the edges. And he wanted this - wanted whatever Greg would give him - but he wanted Greg to remember it in the morning. More than anything he wanted Greg to remember, to wake up next to Nick and finally listen.

Something was pressed into his hand and Nick realized through the fog in his brain that it was a condom. He paused long enough to put it on, reached for the lube again and ran a slick palm over his cock before he slid inside. Greg hissed at the stretch and bucked up under him, chest and neck flushed and Nick leaned in and opened his mouth against all that skin. He mouthed the words Greg didn't want to hear against his skin, I'm sorry and I miss this and I love you.

He'd never said that out loud, not once in the entire time they were together, but he'd always figured Greg just knew. When things didn't work out…well, he'd told himself it was for the best, because it was easier not to worry about Greg all the time if he could pretend there was nothing between them. But he still worried, only now he worried even more, because Nick was never around to make sure he was okay after a really bad night in the field. He didn't have the right to worry about any of that stuff anymore, but that didn't mean he could turn it off.

Greg arched up hard against him and Nick reached between them, fingers wrapping around Greg's cock to stroke in time to his thrusts. He could hear himself chanting Greg's name over and over, and Greg let him have that much, at least, fingers digging into Nick's arms as he thrust up to meet each stroke. It was rushed and messy and perfect and he knew it was going to end way too soon, but Greg's eyes were open and he was watching Nick, and he hoped that meant something.

Hoped it meant Greg would listen to him, even if he still had no idea how to explain what was happening. Right now the past eighteen days - the past six months - felt like a dream, like some nightmare he'd finally woken from, only to find himself right back where he belonged. And he could almost believe it when Greg's leg wrapped around his waist to pull him impossibly closer, pressing up hard into his grip and letting go with a moan.

Nick waited until Greg stopped shaking to move again, his hand hooked under Greg's leg to support him. He didn't want it to end, because he had no idea what happened when it was over. But it had been way too long and Greg felt way too good underneath him, and before Nick could stop it he was burying himself deep inside Greg and coming. And this was the part where Greg wrapped his arms around Nick and pulled him close, where Nick buried his face in Greg's neck to breathe in his scent…just to breathe until Greg made some dumb joke to make him laugh.

This was the part where they talked about everything and nothing, where Greg held onto him just because he could. Only Greg wasn't holding on, and when Nick collapsed on the mattress Greg actually moved away a little. His heart clenched in his chest and he looked over, but Greg wasn't looking at him. Instead he was sitting up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and mumbling something about a shower. Nick opened his mouth to ask if there was still room for two in there, but he knew what the answer would be. Greg still didn't want to talk, and apparently he couldn't get away from Nick fast enough, either.

He was probably hoping that Nick would take the hint, that he would pull on his clothes and get the hell out of there before Greg came back. But if that was how he wanted to play this he was going to have to say it, so instead of getting up and putting his clothes back on, Nick stretched out on the mattress and closed his eyes. He'd just rest for a couple minutes, catch his breath and when Greg got back from the shower, they were going to have it out once and for all.

~

When Nick woke up he could still smell Greg. He could feel Greg's hands on his skin, feel his mouth moving against Nick’s and his legs wrapped around Nick's waist. He remembered every second of the night before, except the part where it never happened.

He didn’t remember falling asleep, didn’t remember leaving Greg’s place or even if he’d talked to Greg before he left. He was pretty sure he hadn’t left; he knew he’d closed his eyes while he waited for Greg to get out of the shower, and now he knew that had been a mistake. Because he hadn't meant to fall asleep, but somehow he'd hit the reset button on Christmas Eve again, and that was the only explanation he could think of.

Nick let out a sigh and pushed back the covers, crawling out of bed and heading for the shower. It was his own fault that he’d ended up right back where he started all over again, because he hadn’t tried hard enough. He hadn’t followed Greg into the bathroom like he should have, talked to him through the shower curtain if he had to. He hadn’t stopped Greg before they got to the part where they were taking off their clothes, made him wait until Nick spilled all the things he’d been trying to say for the past eighteen days.

So maybe this was what he was supposed to do; he had to get Greg to listen to him, no matter what it took. There had to be a way to get Greg to talk, to let Nick in on what was wrong and how he could fix it. And Nick was going to have to find it, or he had a feeling he’d have all the time in the world to keep trying.

He got dressed and grabbed his keys, not bothering to stop long enough to eat, or even grab a cup of coffee. Instead he headed straight for the lab and tracked down Catherine, cornering her before Greg or Warrick showed up. “I need to work with Greg tonight.”

“Do I want to know why?” she asked, amusement clear in her voice and if Nick wasn’t so determined to finally get this right, he might have been annoyed.

“Just switch with me. It’s important.”

“Okay,” Catherine said, handing over the case file. “If it means that much to you. This important thing isn’t going to keep you from focusing on your case, is it?”

“Trust me, you don’t have to worry about that,” Nick answered. He turned on his heel and started down the hall, but when she called after him he stopped.

“Hey. How’d you know I was planning to work with Greg tonight?”

“Lucky guess.” Nick flashed a vague smile and kept walking, leaving her to stare after him with a puzzled expression. He didn’t really care if Catherine thought he was crazy, not if it meant he had the entire night shift to convince Greg to listen to him.

When he reached the break room he pulled the door open and headed straight for the coffee pot, weaving his way between lab techs already setting up for the party. He managed to grab a cup of coffee and make his way back across the room, and by the time he reached the door Greg was coming down the hall.

“Hey,” Nick said. “You’re with me.”

Greg hesitated just for a second, but it was long enough for Nick to get that it wasn’t exactly welcome news. “Fine. I’ll meet you out there.”

“That’s okay,” Nick said, “I can wait.”

He expected Greg to argue, but instead he just shrugged and headed for the locker room. And it was tempting to follow him inside, to stick close to him until Greg got annoyed enough to hear him out just to get him to go away. But he’d been as close to Greg as he could get the night before and that hadn’t helped, so instead of hovering he just crossed his arms over his chest and waited.

It felt like forever before Greg reappeared, but finally the door swung open and he walked out, jaw set in a determined line and Nick knew he had his work cut out for him. He didn’t say anything until they reached his truck, but once they climbed in and Nick turned on the ignition, he glanced over at Greg.

“Everything okay?”

“Fine,” Greg said, suspicion creeping into his voice. “Why?”

“You just seem kind of tense,” Nick answered. And he knew he should prepare Greg for the case, at least give him a heads up about what they were about to walk into, but he knew if he said it wrong Greg was just going to accuse him of trying to play hero again.

“I’m fine,” Greg repeated, but they’d known each other long enough for Nick to tell when he was lying. There was something bothering him; all this time Nick had assumed it was the case, but they hadn’t even gotten there yet and Greg was already distracted. So whatever was on his mind was bigger than a depressing case on Christmas Eve, and that meant Nick was going to have to work harder to figure it out.

They pulled up at the house Nick had driven past more times than he wanted to remember, and when Nick shut off the engine Greg slid out of the truck and headed for the scene. Nick grabbed his kit and hurried to catch up with him, weaving his way through the uniforms milling around outside.

They passed the living room where the parents were huddled on opposite sides of the couch, following the flow of traffic back to a small bedroom at the back of the house. Nick nodded at Detective Vartann and set his kit down, reaching for a pair of gloves. “What’s the situation?”

“Darren Williams, 15. Kid brother found him,” Vartann answered, nodding toward the body stretched out on the bed. “The whole family was home, but nobody heard anything. They thought he was in here on the computer.”

Nick nodded like he hadn’t heard all of this before. Like he didn’t know David was going to show up any second and tell them that it looked like the kid OD’ed. He knew that the preliminary autopsy would support the same finding, and he knew they’d find the prescription bottles in the bathroom trash. He knew exactly what sleeping pills the kid had taken, that they’d been prescribed to his mother during the parents’ separation. He even knew that she was going to blame herself for this for the rest of her life, at least when she wasn’t blaming the father for walking out in the first place.

“I’m going to talk to the parents again,” Vartann said, and Nick didn’t bother to tell him he was wasting his time. He’d figure it out soon enough, and in the meantime they still had to treat the case like a potential homicide.

Once they were alone Nick turned to look at Greg again, and when he realized Greg was already standing next to the body his stomach dropped.

“No obvious signs of struggle.”

“Look, G, I can handle this.”

“What, and I can’t?”

“No,” Nick answered, swallowing a frustrated sigh. “That’s not what I meant. I just…”

Nick stopped mid-sentence when he heard a throat clear, and he glanced toward the door to find David standing there. He looked a little embarrassed, like maybe he thought he’d walked in on something he shouldn’t. Then again, David always looked a little embarrassed, so it was hard to tell.

“Sorry to interrupt,” he said as he bustled into the room.

“You didn't,” Greg said at the same moment Nick said, “Don’t worry about it.” And he wasn’t; he was just doing his job, but that didn’t stop Nick from wishing he had better timing.

They both backed off to give David room to work; Greg was hovering near the door, and Nick took a chance and crossed the room to stand next to him. “I know you can handle it,” he said, keeping his voice low so David could pretend he didn’t hear them. “But there’s no reason both of us have to.”

“You always do that.”

Greg wasn’t looking at him, but Nick could tell by the set of his jaw that he was mad. And maybe he had a right to be; maybe Nick had done everything wrong up to now, but he was trying to fix it, and that had to count for something.

“Do what?”

But Greg was already turning away, reaching for his kit and glancing at the body one more time. “Forget it,” he said, still not looking at Nick and he had no idea it could hurt that much for someone not to look at him. “I’m going to check out the rest of the house.”

Then he was gone, leaving Nick to stare after him and wonder how he’d managed to make things even worse.

~

The rest of the case went exactly the way Nick knew it would. David declared the death a suicide and took the body back to the morgue to prove his point. The parents blamed each other, and eventually they had to be separated by a couple uniforms. Meanwhile Nick cleared the scene and Greg found the pill bottles in the bathroom trash, and that was about all they could do.

Hell of a way to spend Christmas, Nick thought, and he caught himself just before he smiled. Instead he shook his head and packed up his kit, pulling off his gloves before he headed out into the hallway to find Greg.

He turned a corner and stopped short, heart in his throat at the sight of Greg and their victim’s little brother. He wasn’t sure which of them looked worse; the kid looked haunted, and Greg just looked like he wasn’t sure what to do. It was obvious the kid was waiting for Greg to say something, but Nick had missed whatever the question was. So he took a few steps forward, clearing his throat and when they both looked over he caught Greg’s eye.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Greg answered, but his voice was softer than it usually was, and Nick knew Greg wasn’t talking to him. “I think we should find your parents, okay?”

“But you’re supposed to help him, aren’t you?”

And now Greg looked like he might be sick; the kid was looking up at him with big eyes and an expression Nick couldn’t quite read, but whatever he’d asked must have had something to do with his brother. Whatever it was, Greg obviously didn’t have an answer, so Nick took a few more steps forward. He reached out a hand to grip the kid’s shoulder, though whether Nick was trying to comfort him or just get his attention off Greg he wasn’t sure.

Before he could figure it out another figure appeared in the hall, and Nick looked up in time to find a woman with puffy red eyes and tear-stained cheeks rushing toward them. “Kyle,” she said, not even looking at Nick and Greg. “Honey, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

“I was just trying to find out if Darren’s okay,” the kid said as his mother led him away. She paused just for a second and looked back at Nick and Greg, then she put her arm around her son and steered him down the hall. Nick didn’t envy her that conversation, but if that was what the kid had asked Greg…well, he was glad the mother had appeared when she did.

Once she was gone he turned to Greg again, lips parted to ask if he was okay. The words were right on the tip of his tongue, but as soon as he saw Greg’s face he closed his mouth again. Greg didn’t want to talk about it, at least not to him. Maybe if Nick had more time…but that was the one thing he had plenty of, and it hadn’t done him any good. What he needed was tomorrow, and that seemed to be the one thing he couldn’t have.

“You ready to go?” he said instead, and when Greg turned and headed for the door Nick took it as a yes. He followed Greg past the living room, past the front entry where a couple of uniforms were still milling around. They walked down the driveway and down the street to the truck, tossing their kits in the back before they climbed inside.

Neither of them said anything on the drive back to the lab. Nick pulled into a parking space and shut off the engine, then he let out a breath and glanced over at Greg. And he was tired; tired of reliving the same day, tired of trying to figure out where he kept going wrong. He was tired of Greg looking at him like he regretted ever meeting Nick, and if he was going to have to keep going through it over and over he was going to get some answers.

“What did you mean back there?”

Greg started at the sound of his voice, glancing over at him and it was quick, but it was enough to let Nick know that he was still back in that hallway, trying to figure out what he should have said to the kid. “What?”

“Earlier. You said I always do that. I want to know what you meant.”

Greg sighed and ran a hand through his hair, closed his eyes for a second and it was all Nick could do to keep himself from reaching out and resting a hand on the back of his neck. Just last night he'd been that close - closer - but Greg didn't remember, and that meant it didn't count. “You always try to be the hero. For a long time I thought it was cute, the way you always tried to save everybody. Like that kid back there…I bet you would have said exactly the right thing to him. Maybe I should have let you.”

“Look, G…” Nick began, but when Greg shook his head Nick stopped talking.

“You’re good at that stuff, I’ll give you that,” Greg continued, and just for a second his mouth twisted into a wry smile. “I mean, I fell for it, so I can’t really blame you.”

“I don’t…” he started, but that was as far as he got before he remembered his conversation with Warrick. “Okay, I do. But I’m just doing my job.”

“I’m not just talking about the case,” Greg said. “Do you even know why we broke up?”

As far as he knew they never had broken up, but they weren’t together anymore, which amounted to the same thing. And Nick didn’t know why, but he knew how, and that part Greg couldn’t blame on him. “You wanted space, so I gave it to you. I figured you’d tell me when you were ready to pick things up again.”

“So all this time you’ve just been waiting around for me to say something?”

And it sounded sort of dumb when Greg said it out loud, but it was pretty much exactly what happened. He wasn’t going to tell Greg that it was sort of a relief, at least for awhile. He wasn’t going to admit that he’d been in way over his head, and that Greg walking away had given him the out he didn’t know he’d been looking for.

“I just figured you didn’t need me around.”

He wasn’t sure what reaction to expect, but Greg rolling his eyes and making that frustrated sound wasn’t it. “That’s exactly what I meant.”

“What?” Nick said, head spinning from the circles Greg was talking in.

“Before, when I said you always do this. You just proved my point,” Greg answered, like he’d won some battle. Like he was even making sense, and Nick wasn’t even sure they were speaking the same language anymore. “I didn’t need you, you idiot. But I wanted you around.”

“Then why the hell did you break up with me?”

“I didn’t,” Greg said, and if he rolled his eyes one more time Nick was going to lose it. “You hovered so much after the whole thing with Demetrius James that I couldn’t breathe. There’s some stuff you can’t fix, Nick.”

“I wasn’t trying to fix anything,” Nick said, but he knew Greg wasn’t going to believe him. Because he hadn’t been trying, but maybe that was how it came across. “I care about you, Greg. I just wanted to help.”

“Yeah, well, sometimes you can’t.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Nick said, and now he was just mad. For months he’d assumed that Greg had just moved on, that he’d done or said something to ruin things between them and that was the end of it. Finding out now that the whole thing had been a stupid miscommunication - that he was being punished for caring too much - just didn’t seem fair. “I’ve been there, G. You think I don’t remember what it feels like?”

“I know you do,” Greg answered, and just for a second Nick thought maybe they were finally getting somewhere. “That’s the problem. I thought you of all people would get it.”

"So it's my fault for caring?"

“Yeah, you cared so much that you didn’t say anything for six months.”

A second later Greg was gone again, slamming the truck door behind him and leaving Nick to stare after him. He let out a frustrated noise and slammed a fist against the steering wheel, cursing Greg for walking away again and cursing himself for not getting the message before now. And he’d never been any good at these games, but maybe he should have known that Greg was waiting for Nick to let him know that he still wanted him. Maybe he should have known what Greg was saying when he asked for space, but if he was any good at reading Greg’s signals he wouldn’t be reliving the same day over and over.

~

Nick didn’t get much sleep that night, but that didn’t stop him from waking up to yet another Christmas Eve. He groaned and thought about just going back to sleep, but that hadn’t helped any other time, and it wouldn’t help this time either. Nothing would, and the sooner he accepted it the better off he’d be. So he took a shower and got dressed, then he drove to work and braced himself for another long night in the lab.

Everything was exactly the same as it had been for the past twenty days; decorations hung from every available surface, Christmas music was always playing somewhere, and most of the techs were focused more on their party plans than any work left over from the day shift. Nick expertly dodged traffic in the break room and grabbed a cup of coffee, then he headed down the hall in search of Catherine and the assignments he could recite in his sleep.

“Hey,” he said when he reached her, glancing down at the file she was flipping through. The preliminary paperwork never said much; just the 911 transcript, mostly, and a few details about whoever had called it in. But Catherine was staring hard at the page in front of her, and when she glanced up at Nick he could see that she was distracted. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” she said, closing the file and reaching for the second case of the night. “You and Warrick have a body in a motel room. Tourist, looks like.”

He thought about taking the file and keeping his mouth shut. There was no reason to switch cases, after all; Greg wasn’t going to listen to him, and there was nothing Nick could do to make Darren Williams any less dead. But he’d seen the look on Catherine’s face, and he realized for the first time that maybe this case was a little harder on her than she’d admitted the first few times they’d talked about it.

“Listen, why don’t you let me handle the kid,” Nick said, easing Darren’s file out of her hands. At her suspicious look he grinned as sheepishly as he could manage and gave her a shrug. “So I was reading over your shoulder.”

He knew he was doing it again, and he knew what Greg would probably say if he was here to see it. But Catherine didn’t look like she minded; in fact, she looked downright grateful, and if she didn’t mind the rescue, he wasn’t going to worry about it. “You sure?”

“Yeah,” he answered, flashing his most convincing grin. “You can listen to Rick bitch about working on Christmas Eve."

“Thanks,” she said, rolling her eyes but Nick knew she meant it.

And he wasn’t going to try to change anything tonight; he already knew that was a waste of time, and the last thing he wanted to do was have another fight with Greg. They’d both messed up; he got that now, and he couldn’t fix it if Greg didn’t want to. So he was just going to focus on the case and let everything else take care of itself.

He found Greg in the locker room, bending over to tie his sneakers and Nick’s gaze lingered on the bare skin where his shirt rode up just above his jeans. “Hey.”

Greg looked up, same expression on his face that Nick had seen dozens of times by now. He swallowed a sigh and held up the case file, pretending he didn’t know that Greg would rather work with anyone but him.

“You’re with me.”

“Fine,” Greg said. “I’ll meet you there.”

Instead of insisting that he could wait Nick just shrugged and jotted down the address, then handed it to Greg. “Guess I’ll see you in a few.”

He drove out to the crime scene, pulling up in front of the house and grabbing his kit before he headed inside. And knowing what was coming didn’t make it any less depressing, but at least they could give the family some answers. That was what they needed right now more than anything, and if Nick could do that much for them, it was worth getting up and doing his job every night.

Greg would probably think that was hokey, or maybe even stupid, but that didn’t make it any less true. Warrick was right; they all had their reasons for doing this job, and Nick wasn’t going to apologize for wanting to help people. He made his way through the house, following the same path he’d followed the night before. He found Detective Vartann standing in the same place, and as soon as Nick walked in he rattled off the same details he’d given the night before.

Nick nodded and set his kit down, and by the time he finished pulling his gloves on and looked up again, Greg was standing at the door. “Hey.”

Greg nodded, but his gaze was fixed on the body. He set his kit down next to Nick’s and crossed the room, stopping next to the bed and looking down at Darren Williams. For a minute he just stood there, expression blank and Nick couldn't tell what he was thinking. He'd been weird about this case since this endless night began, and at first Nick had assumed it was because the kid was so young. But the more he relived the night the more Nick wondered if Greg's mood didn't start after he finished clearing the room, when he was accosted by a ten-year-old looking for answers.

“No obvious signs of struggle.” Greg said, and he sounded pretty normal. He picked up a camera and snapped a few pictures of the bed, pausing when he was finished to stare down at the body again. "He's so young."

"Yeah," Nick said, watching Greg stare like it was the first time he'd seen a dead kid. And Nick knew that wasn't true, but there was something about this one - or maybe there was something about tonight - that made it a little harder to take. He still wanted to suggest that Greg go process the bathroom, but he knew where that would get him. He couldn't protect Greg from their job, even if Greg needed protection. And Nick knew he didn't, but sometimes…well, sometimes Greg didn't seem all that much older than the kid on the bed.

He was still staring when David showed up, edging his way into the room and when Greg backed off to give David room to work, Nick crossed the room to stand next to him. "Listen, G, it's not going to take that long to clear this room once Dave finishes up," he said, watching the line of Greg's jaw clench just slightly at the sound of Nick's voice. "You want to finish up in here and I'll go check out the rest of the house?"

As soon as he said it Greg looked up, something like surprise in his eyes. "Yeah, sure," he said, drawing the words out like he'd been expecting Nick to say something else. Like maybe he'd been expecting a fight about who got to stay and clear the room, but Nick had already fought that battle, and he wasn't interested in doing it again. Instead he flashed his most charming smile and picked up his kit to head across the hall and dig an empty prescription bottle out of the trash.

Knowing where to look for all the evidence made things go a lot faster, and by the time Greg was finished in Darren's bedroom Nick had cleared the rest of the house. Not that there was much to clear; he knew they weren't going to uncover evidence of a murder, and all that was left was to tie up the loose ends and let the family get on with grieving.

Nick headed back toward the bedroom just as Greg stepped into the hall, and when Greg looked up and caught his eye Nick's heart skipped a beat. And it was nothing; they just happened to be walking down the hall at the same time, but just for a second it felt like…well, like it used to. He opened his mouth to say something, but before he could get the words out someone else stepped into the hall.

Darren's little brother - Kyle, Nick remembered his mother saying - was ten, according to the file Nick had read a dozen times by now. He had sandy brown hair and big brown eyes and a spray of freckles across the bridge of his nose. He didn't look that much like his brother, and Nick wondered vaguely if that would make things easier on his parents in the long run.

He slipped out the door that led to the living room, and it was obvious that he was planning to sneak back to his brother's room. Which meant he was headed straight for Greg, and Nick hadn't interfered with anything else tonight, but this was one thing he could change. Before the kid could get more than a couple steps into the hall Nick was next to him, hand on his shoulder to turn the kid away from his brother's room.

"Hey," Nick said, dropping to one knee and giving the kid a friendly smile. "I'm afraid you can't go back there right now, pal."

"Is my brother going to be okay?" Kyle asked, and Nick's smile faltered just a little before he pulled himself together.

"Listen…Kyle, right?" Nick asked, squeezing the kid's shoulder when he nodded. "I bet your brother loved you a lot, and he'd want you to remember that when he can't be around to tell you."

"I guess," Kyle said, casting a wary glance over his shoulder. Greg was still standing in the middle of the hall, right in front of Darren's bedroom door. And Nick knew they were in there with a stretcher, probably getting ready to wheel Darren out any second.

"And I bet your mom and dad love you a lot too," Nick said, standing up and guiding Kyle back toward the living room. "I bet they're wondering where you are right now."

"Mom's crying."

Nick nodded like that was a perfectly reasonable answer and led him back to the living room, steering him toward his parents. And he hadn't really given the kid an answer, but he hoped Kyle would remember what he'd said a few months or even a few years from now, when he got around to being mad at his brother. He had no way of knowing if it would help, but maybe it would make a difference.

Once he was sure Kyle was safe he went in search of Greg, finally catching up with him out on the front porch. He was staring out into the darkness, his kit gripped in one hand and it looked like he was shivering a little in his thin jacket. It was tempting to lecture him about dressing for the weather after all this time, but Nick knew exactly what Greg's wardrobe looked like, and anyway, he didn't want to start another argument. Instead he cleared his throat, raising an eyebrow when Greg looked up.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Greg answered, and Nick couldn't tell from his expression whether or not he was telling the truth. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"How come you switched cases with Catherine tonight?"

And he wasn't expecting that; he'd expected Greg to say something about Darren, maybe, or about the way he'd stopped Kyle from asking Greg if his brother was okay. "How'd you know…?"

"I heard you talking to her," Greg interrupted, and for the first time all night he looked a little sheepish.

"She's got a teenager at home," Nick said. "I didn't think she needed to deal with a dead kid on Christmas Eve."

Greg nodded and Nick thought maybe he would say something, like accuse Nick of trying to rescue people again. But he didn't; instead he gripped his kit a little tighter and dug in his pocket for his keys. "So I guess I'll meet you back at the lab."

"Yeah, sure," Nick said, and before he could think of a reason to stop him, Greg was gone.

He spent the drive back to the lab weighing the merits of talking to Greg again. On the one hand, he might just talk his way into another argument about whether or not he was actually the worst boyfriend in history. But there was always the chance that things could go differently; Greg was definitely in a different mood than he'd been in for the past few weeks, and even if Nick couldn't change the outcome of the night, at least he could let Greg know he was sorry.

By the time he walked back into the lab he'd made up his mind to track Greg down and tell him exactly that. He wasn't going to ask forgiveness or for another chance or even try to get Greg to understand why he hadn't pressed when Greg asked him to back off. He was just going to tell Greg he was sorry for the way things went down, and that he'd like it if they could at least be friends. That much couldn't hurt, and even if Greg didn't remember it tomorrow, maybe it would make Nick feel a little better.

He found Greg in the same conference room he'd found him in on the first night, surrounded by the same stacks of files. Only he wasn't working diligently the way he'd been the first time Nick found him; tonight he was staring off into space, the open file in front of him forgotten.

"Hey," Nick said, letting himself into the room without waiting for an invitation.

Greg started and looked up, but this time he didn't look annoyed at the interruption. "Hey."

"Look," Nick began before Greg could ask him what he thought he was doing, "I just wanted to say that I get it. I screwed up and it took me way too long to figure that out, and I know there's no chance of making it right. But I wanted you to know that I'm sorry for all that."

He paused and took a deep breath, part of him hoping Greg would come up with a joke or something to stop him from babbling. But Greg was just looking at him like he'd never seen Nick before. And that wasn't really fair, because Nick wasn't the only one who'd screwed up, but he was the one who'd started the conversation.

"What I'm trying to say here is that I miss you, G. You probably won't even remember any of this tomorrow, but I thought you should know."

When Greg didn't say anything Nick let out a heavy sigh and turned away. He got as far as putting his hand on the doorknob when Greg said 'wait', and his pulse raced as he turned back to the table.

"Why wouldn't I remember this tomorrow?"

"It's a long story and you probably wouldn't believe me anyway," Nick said, and he had to laugh at that, because it had been three weeks and he still wasn't sure he believed it.

"I've got time."

And Nick wasn't sure he had time, but the look on Greg's face gave him a little hope that maybe this time, he did.

~

He wasn't sure how long Greg had been staring at him over a plate of steak and eggs, but it had been long enough to make Nick nervous. Not that he'd expected Greg to believe him; he hadn't any of the other times Nick tried to tell him what was happening, and there was no reason he should believe it now.

"So you're saying that you're stuck in an episode of Star Trek."

"No. Yes. No," Nick said, flushing and leaning a little closer so none of the other diners would hear him. Not that there were many; Vegas never really shut down, not even for Christmas, but there weren't many people out having breakfast at a diner on Christmas morning. "I don't know, that's what I'm telling you. All I know for sure is that no matter what I do, I keep waking up on Christmas Eve."

It felt good to say it out loud, even if Greg didn't believe him. This was the closest he'd come to getting Greg to listen, anyway, so even if he woke up tomorrow and started all over again, at least he'd have this.

"That's crazy."

"Tell me about it."

"No, I mean…you can do anything. You could burn down the lab and the next day, it's like it never happened."

And Nick couldn't help smiling at the gleam in Greg's eye, because it would figure he'd go right for destruction of property. "I'm more interested in figuring out how to stop it than breaking any laws."

Greg rolled his eyes, but he was grinning at Nick for the first time in months, and that alone was worth it. "Figures this would happen to the world's oldest Boy Scout."

"First of all, even if I was a Boy Scout, I'm not that old," Nick said, trying and failing to frown at Greg's laugh. "Anyway, even if I knocked over a casino, it's not like I'd have the money the next day."

"Yeah, but you could have a hell of a time with it while you had it."

Nick wanted to tell Greg that there were other things he'd rather do with his endless reset button, starting with the night he'd spent in Greg's bed. And maybe he would tell Greg about that night once this was all over, but he had a feeling now wasn't the time. Instead he cleared his throat and reached for his coffee, taking a long swallow before he answered.

"The point is that I've tried everything to figure this out, and nothing's worked. At first I thought maybe it was about the corpse in the motel room, but no matter how deep I dug into that guy's life, I came up empty. I even tried to stop Darren Williams from killing himself. I thought maybe if I just got there in time, you know?"

"You can't save everybody," Greg said, voice low and Nick wasn't sure if Greg was talking to him or just thinking out loud. "What you said to his brother…"

"I had to say something."

"No, it was good. I don't know what I would have said if it was me."

"You would have thought of something," Nick said, hoping he sounded convincing. The last thing he needed was for Greg to put two and two together and start asking about other nights, about the way the cases had gone before and what he'd done differently each time. None of it mattered, not really, because it didn't change anything.

"Listen, Greg, when you said you needed space…I didn't get it then, but I do now. I didn't know I was driving you crazy, I just thought you weren't interested anymore."

"Who said…?"

"You did," Nick answered, smile sheepish because yeah, that was a little weird. "Last night, right before you told me it was too late to do anything about it."

"I did?" Greg asked, and Nick took a second to appreciate how cute he looked when he was confused. He wasn't letting himself hope for anything, not a sudden change of heart or even a fresh start on tomorrow. All he wanted out of this conversation was a clear picture of where he stood, and he'd worry about what to do about it later. "I must have been pissed."

"You were," Nick said, grinning when Greg looked at him. "I was doing that thing where I tried to protect you from the case."

"This is crazy," Greg said again, breathing the words like he didn't even know he was talking out loud. Not that Nick was going to argue with him, because it was crazy. Everything about the past three weeks had been crazy, right up until the second Greg said I've got time. Up until that moment Nick had felt like he was watching himself on a movie screen, but for the past hour he'd felt almost normal, and he didn't want to give it up again.

And he knew he didn't have a right, but he reached across the table anyway, fingers resting against Greg's and God, even that felt perfect. "I know I messed up, and maybe you don't want to give us another shot. But for what it's worth, I love you. Whatever happens tomorrow, I want you to know that."

"Oh, no," Greg said, and for a second Nick was sure he was going to stammer something about not going through this again and take off. Instead his fingers closed around Nick's hard enough to hurt a little, and when Nick looked up at him his heart skipped a beat. "I'm not forgetting all this and going back to thinking you didn't give a damn. Do you know how long I waited for you to beg me for another chance? No way. We just won't go to sleep; if you don't wake up, the day can't start over."

"I tried that. A few times."

"Maybe you just didn't try hard enough," Greg said, smile twisting into an expression that went straight to Nick's groin. "I bet I could think of a few ways to keep you awake."

Nick flushed at the memory of Greg dragging him down the hall in his apartment, cutting off every word Nick tried to utter with a hard kiss. And he hadn't planned on bringing that up now, but he wasn't going to lie now that they finally had all their cards on the table. "We…uh…we sort of tried that too."

For a second Greg didn't say anything, and Nick wished he hadn't mentioned it. Because it was one thing to have conversations he couldn't remember, but sex was something else entirely. And yeah, it had been Greg's idea, but Nick was the one who remembered everything that happened, so he should have stopped it.

"You mean we had sex and I don't remember it?"

"Just once," Nick said, glancing around to make sure nobody was listening. "It just sort of happened."

"You're making that up to me as soon as we figure out how to fix this."

"Whatever you want, G," Nick said, squeezing the hand still wrapped in his. "But I think I just have to ride this thing out and see what happens. I mean, if I wake up tomorrow and it's still Christmas Eve, at least I'll know it's not too late."

"Okay," Greg said, drawing the word out like he wasn't entirely convinced that they shouldn't give sex another try. "You're the expert, I guess. But maybe I should stay with you, just in case."

Nick didn't ask what Greg was supposed to be protecting him from. He didn't point out that in a way, Greg was doing exactly what he'd accused Nick of doing for so long. Because it was kind of nice, having somebody looking out for him, and anyway, he wasn't going to say anything to mess this up. What he was going to do was pay for their breakfast and take Greg home, and then he was going to spend however much time he had left showing Greg exactly how much he'd missed them.

~

Nick groaned at the sound of the alarm and reached out with one arm to shut it off. And he didn't want to move, because as soon as he opened his eyes he'd have to face another day. As soon as he admitted he was awake he'd have to face the fact that last night hadn't happened, at least not as far as Greg was concerned, and Nick was right back at square one.

But he couldn't avoid it forever, so he finally forced his eyes open and glanced at the other side of the bed. It was just as empty as he expected it to be, but that didn't stop him from sighing as he pushed the covers back and sat up.

He hadn't been expecting a miracle or anything, but…okay, he'd hoped. For the first time since this started he'd really thought there was a chance he'd gotten it right, because Greg had come home with him and they'd spent another two hours talking out everything they'd gotten wrong the first time. There had been plenty of kissing too, lots of touching and some whispered promises that he was pretty sure Greg would hold him to, if he actually remembered any of them.

Nick swallowed another sigh and made his way to the bathroom, staring into the mirror in the hope that maybe something would be different. Anything, no matter how small…he'd take any change at all, as long as it meant he was making progress. But he looked the same as he did every other morning, and finally he gave up and reached for the shower controls.

As soon as he turned the hot water on the phone rang, and Nick frowned and shut the water off again. That was definitely different; the phone hadn't rung once in the past twenty days, and Nick hurried down the hall to pick up the nearest extension.

"Hello?"

"Merry Christmas!" his mother said, and any other year Nick would have found that chipper tone annoying first thing in the morning. Today, though, it was the best sound he'd ever heard.

"Mom?"

"Of course," she said, some of the cheer draining from her voice. "Nick, are you okay? You sound a little strange."

"I'm fine," he said, and he grinned when he realized that for the first time in weeks, it was actually true. "Just a long night."

And he hadn't had time to wonder where Greg went yet, but when the front door opened he didn't have to. Greg came in carrying two paper bags, and Nick hurried over to help him. "I can't believe you don't have any food in your house," Greg groused from behind the bags. "Do you know how hard it was to find an open store on Christmas?"

Nick just grinned and took one of the bags, then he followed Greg into the kitchen to set it down. He watched Greg make himself at home in his kitchen, starting with the coffee maker and Nick almost forgot about the phone until he heard his mother's voice in his ear again.

"So do you have plans today?" she asked. "You're not alone on Christmas, are you?"

"No," he answered, still grinning like an idiot, and he wasn't sure that was going to stop any time soon. "Greg's here."

There was a brief pause on the other end of the line; Nick knew what it meant, but he told himself he didn't care. He'd have plenty of time to worry about it later, anyway, and his mother's opinion of his relationship wasn't going to change anything. "Does that mean you two are back together?"

"Yeah," Nick said, leaning against the kitchen counter to watch Greg scramble eggs. "Yeah, I think it's going to work out this time."

Part One