Fic: Saints and Lunatics 2/2 (Xena, Ares/Joxer, NC17)
Title: Saints and Lunatics
Fandom: Xena
Pairing: Ares/Joxer
Rating: NC17
Summary: Sequel to "What You Wish For"; part of the "Stupid Cupid" universe. The further adventures of Ares and Joxer in New York.
Wednesday was usually Ares' favorite day of the work week; it meant his beginner class and then a late dinner, followed by a whole night with Joxer lying next to him right in the middle of the week. For the first time since they met he wasn't looking forward to Wednesday, though, and he wasn't sure what to do about it. He wanted everything to be the way it had been during the first weeks of their relationship; fresh and new and exciting, full of promise but not serious enough for Ares to worry constantly about screwing things up.
He was almost positive he'd come close to ruining everything on Sunday. He'd spent most of the day distracted and standoffish, and eventually Joxer had snapped and demanded to know what was wrong. He'd made up something about Cupid and Christmas that he was sure Joxer hadn't bought, but he'd gone with the lie because it was better than telling Joxer the truth. Since then he'd alternated between worrying that Joxer wouldn't show up on Wednesday and berating himself for lying to the other man in the first place. He was still caught between the two on Wednesday afternoon, so distracted by his own private worries that he didn't hear the door to the dojo open.
The first hint he had that he wasn't alone anymore was a rush of cold air hitting his cheek, then the smell of fresh pine floated over to him. He looked up, frowning at the sudden burst of cold air, in time to see Joxer wrestling a Christmas tree through the front door. Without thinking he started across the studio, pushing the door open a little wider and reaching for one end of the tree to help Joxer haul it inside.
"What is this?" he asked, shock and confusion shining clear in his eyes as Joxer looked up and grinned.
"Well you said you hadn't had time to get ready for Christmas," Joxer answered, pausing to catch his breath once they'd gotten the tree through the front door. "You seemed pretty upset about it, and there's a tree vendor on the corner of the school property, so I thought I'd help get your loft decorated before Cupid gets here. We can set up the tree before class, then I can come back tomorrow night and help you decorate it."
"You bought me a Christmas tree?"
"Sure," Joxer answered, shrugging and flashing a cheerful grin. He seemed to think it was the most natural thing in the world, and Ares wasn't sure whether to be grateful or horrified that once again Joxer had done exactly the right thing. "It was right on my way. So do you have any decorations or do we need to get some?"
"No, I've got a few boxes of stuff upstairs somewhere." Finally Ares stopped staring at the tree long enough to glance up at Joxer, his eyes narrowing slightly as he took in the flushed cheeks and the way Joxer's hair curled around his ears. "Did you drag this all the way here by yourself?"
"I figured it would be a good warm-up for class. Or something," Joxer said, his grin turning mischievous as he picked up the trunk again. "Come on, help me get it up the stairs."
Ares shook his head but did as he was told, helping Joxer wrestle the tree through yet another door and then up the stairs to his loft. They set it down in the center of the living room while Ares hunted down his tree stand and the boxes of decorations, then Joxer helped him set the tree in the stand and get it straight before he filled the stand with water. They set it right in front of the large window running along the outer wall of the loft; when it was set up it looked bigger than it had downstairs, and Ares couldn't help wondering how Joxer had gotten it all the way from the school to his place without hurting himself.
That was almost easier to believe than the fact that he'd thought to do it in the first place, and Ares wasn't sure what to say. For a long time he stood in the center of the room and just stared at it, arms crossed over his chest and his forehead furrowed in concentration. He was barely aware of the fact that Joxer was standing right next to him, and until the other man reached out and touched him he didn't realize Joxer was watching him.
"Ares? What's wrong, don't you like it?"
It took Ares a minute to figure out what Joxer was talking about, but as soon as he did he shook his head and turned back to the tree again. "Of course I do, Joxer."
"Then what's the problem?"
"It's nothing."
He heard the sigh but didn’t look over, unwilling to see the disappointment in Joxer's eyes. He knew it wasn't a good enough answer, but it was the only one he could come up with on short notice. His mind was racing almost as fast as his heart, and he had no idea what any of the emotions assaulting him meant. The fact that Joxer had shown up with a Christmas tree shouldn't be affecting him so much - it was just a stupid tree, after all, and just because Joxer had listened to his lies on Sunday and taken them to heart didn't mean anything.
"Ares, come on," Joxer said, his grip on Ares' arm tightening a little. "Something's been bothering you since Sunday. Why won't you tell me what it is?"
Ares let out a deep breath and let his shoulders fall, his gaze locked on the tree so he wouldn't have to see Joxer's expression. "It's nothing, just…" He paused and glanced over at the other man, flinching away from the mixture of confusion and hurt in Joxer's eyes. "Do you have to be so damn perfect all the time?"
"What?" Joxer said, his eyes wide as he stared back at Ares. He stepped backwards, snatching his hand away from Ares' arm as though the other man's skin was burning him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, forget it," Ares said, regretting the words as soon as they'd escaped his throat. There was no way Joxer was just going to forget it, but he was too tired to try to explain them. Suddenly his whole body felt heavy, as though his limbs were made of lead and if he tried to move he'd just sink into the floor. "I didn't mean it. It's a great tree."
"No, you did mean it," Joxer shot back, his eyes narrowing as he took another step away from Ares. "You really think…what, that I'm bothering you? God, Ares, why didn't you just tell me? If I was crowding you all you had to do was say something and I would have backed off."
"It's not that," Ares answered, forcing his legs to work with him long enough to take a step toward the other man. "Joxer, I didn't mean…"
"I know what you meant," Joxer answered, his voice colder than Ares had ever heard it. The sound made Ares' chest ache, his heart in his throat as he wondered how he'd managed to screw up so much in just a few minutes. Before he reached Joxer the smaller man shook his head, only stopping in his path toward the door long enough to pick up his coat. "You can have all the time you want, Ares. Just forget I bothered you."
With that he turned and let himself out of the loft. For a moment Ares stood frozen in the center for the room, his body rebelling against his brain's command to go after Joxer, to stop him and make him listen. By the time he managed to move the door at the bottom of the stairs was slamming shut, and he knew by the time he got down to the sidewalk Joxer would have disappeared into the crowd already. Instead of going after the other man he shut the door to the loft and leaned back against it, staring at the tree still standing in front of his window.
It would have been so easy just to tell Joxer that he loved the tree, that he couldn't believe that someone would go to all that trouble for him. It would have been the simplest thing in the world to tell him the truth, but every time he opened his mouth it seemed as though someone else's voice came out. He had no idea why he'd accused Joxer of being too perfect; sure, he felt that way more and more lately, but he knew that wasn't Joxer's problem. He was the one that couldn't get anything right, and now he really had managed to screw up the best thing he'd ever had.
~
Cupid ran ahead of his father into the house, letting the screen door slam behind him. By the time Ares made it inside Cupid was already up the stairs, and Ares let out a heavy sigh as he listened to the sound of heavy footsteps pounding the ceiling over his head. The weekend had been more disastrous than he could remember even in the very beginning of his separation from Dite; they'd gone to look at the decorations in Manhattan and even decorated the tree Joxer had brought over, but Ares had spent the whole weekend brooding and distracted.
Any time Cupid tried to bring up Joxer Ares had snapped at him, and by the end of the weekend not even his son was speaking to him. Nothing Ares had said made any difference, and now he was resigned to spending another Christmas completely alone. He didn't even want to celebrate Christmas, not with the way things had worked out in the past few days. It had been four whole days since Joxer had stormed out of the loft, and he'd held true to his promise to give Ares all the space he needed. He wouldn't answer his phone or his door, and so far he hadn't returned any of Ares' calls.
Finally Ares had resigned himself to the fact that he really had ruined everything. He'd been trying to convince himself for two days that he deserved it, but there was still a tiny part of him that hoped Joxer would come around. If he could just accept that it was over it would be a lot easier to let go and move on, but the fact that he was still clinging to the hope that Joxer really did love him as much as he said made it impossible for him to give up. And he really was pathetic, because there was no way that anybody would forgive someone like him for being such an idiot. Joxer had probably spent the past four days wondering why he'd ever saddled himself with Ares in the first place, and now that he was free there was no way he was going to come back for more.
He shook off the depressing thought and made his way toward the kitchen, pushing the door open to look for Dite. She was sitting at the table, head bent over what he guessed was a case file, humming one of those oldies songs she liked so much under her breath. Ares smiled mirthlessly and let himself into the room, clearing his throat to get her attention.
She didn't look up right away, but when she did she frowned and shut the case file she'd been working on. "What's wrong with you? You look like somebody ran over your dog."
"Nothing," Ares answered, but he could tell from her expression she wasn't buying it. "Rough weekend. Cupid's not exactly speaking to me."
"Cupid's not speaking to anybody these days," she said, standing up and crossing to the coffee pot to pour him a cup. "Sit."
He obeyed automatically, sinking gratefully into a chair and resting his elbows on the table. "It's my fault this time," he confessed as she set a hot cup of coffee down in front of him and sank into her own chair. "I've got a lot on my mind and I guess I took it out on him."
For a long moment she peered at him, her forehead furrowed in concentration as she studied his features. Finally she saw whatever she was looking for and straightened up again, shaking her head and making a noise in the back of her throat that he recognized as disapproval. "What did you do?"
"What do you mean?"
"Come on, Ares, I've known you practically your whole life. I know guilt when I see it. Oh, God. You didn't cheat on Joxer, did you?"
"No," he snapped as indignantly as he dared. He knew she had a right to jump to that exact conclusion, and if he tried to act offended she'd remind him of exactly why. "I just said something dumb, that's all. But he won't talk to me, so there's nothing I can do. It's over."
Another unflattering noise escaped her throat, making him narrow his eyes and look up at her. "What? I can't do anything to fix it if he won't even talk to me."
"Please, Ares, you give up faster than anybody I know when things get tough," she said, leaning forward and jabbing an accusing finger in his direction. "In the whole time we were married you never once stood up to me. Every time I argued with you, you always backed right down. You'd put up with anything to avoid having to explain how you felt back then, and I bet you're doing the same thing to Joxer now."
"I am not," Ares answered, not bothering to look up long enough to witness the look on her face. He knew she wasn't buying it; she knew him well enough to know when she'd figured out what he was avoiding, and there was a part of him that wanted to tell her what had happened. He had to talk to somebody about it, anyway, and if anyone could offer useful advice it would be her. "Look, all I said was that I didn't see why he had to be so perfect all the time."
"He dumped you because of that?"
He glanced at her long enough to take in her skeptical expression before frowning and looking down at his coffee again. "He didn't exactly dump me. He just said he'd give me as much space as I needed and left. But he won't answer my calls and he wouldn't answer the door when I went by his place on Thursday."
"So why'd you accuse him of being perfect in the first place?"
"It's stupid," he said, a frustrated sigh escaping his throat as the memory of Joxer grinning at him over that stupid tree resurfaced. "He bought me a Christmas tree. I know he was just trying to help, but I just…he just does stuff like that all the time. He always knows exactly what to do or what to say, he never worries about what's happening with us and he always seems like he knows exactly where we're heading. Meanwhile I haven't got a clue what the hell's going on."
"So you messed up your relationship because you don't know what you want?"
Ares looked up at her again, his eyes narrowing a little at her expression. "If you're going to laugh at me I'll just get out of your way."
"Nobody's laughing at you, Ares," she said, resting her hand on his arm to push him back into his chair. "Just chill out, I'm not the one you're mad at here."
"I'm not mad at Joxer."
"I didn't say you were," she pointed out, raising elegant eyebrows when he met her gaze. "You're not mad at Joxer; you're mad at yourself. You've finally got somebody that gives you everything you want, am I right? And instead of dumping you as soon as he finds out how messed up you are, he buys you a Christmas tree. Don't you know he loves you, you big dope? I saw that the first time I met him."
"I know," Ares answered.
"So?"
"So what?"
Dite rolled her eyes and sat back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest. "So do you love him or not?"
"Of course," Ares answered automatically. If he'd been paying attention he would have seen the brief flash of hurt in her eyes, but he was too focused on the memory of Joxer's face the moment he'd stormed out of the loft. "But it doesn't matter. He's never going to speak to me again."
"You always were an idiot," she said, ignoring the look he shot her as she stood up and pulled his coffee cup away from him. "Get out of here. Go on back to the city and talk to him. He deserves that much for putting up with you for this long."
"I just told you, he won't talk to me," Ares said, but he let her pull him out of his chair and push him in the direction of the door.
She rolled her eyes and flattened her palms against his chest, giving him another shove. "Do I have to do everything?" she asked no one in particular, lifting her eyes heavenward. "Look, he has to come out of his apartment sometime, right? You know where he works, find him."
"Are you telling me I should stalk him?"
"Hey, if that's what it takes," she answered as she herded him through the kitchen door. "Look, Ares, if you want him back you're going to have to find a way to make him listen. And if you don't…well, you've got nobody but yourself to blame for that, do you?"
She gave him one final shove, and before he knew it he was standing at the front door. He opened his mouth to answer her, but she just shook her head and reached around him to open the door. A minute later he found himself out on the front step; he had no idea how he'd gotten there, but before he had time to figure it out the door closed in his face. For a long time he stood there staring at it, trying to work out what had just happened. Finally he gave up and turned away from the house, shaking his head at the fact that for once Dite's advice actually made sense. He'd never admit it to her, but she had a good point. He'd never thought about cornering Joxer at work, but that was probably the only place that Ares could get him to listen.
~
By the time Tuesday rolled around Ares was so nervous that he could barely stand still. He decided to wait until Tuesday to track Joxer down at Mount St. Michael's; he taught class there on Tuesdays so he knew Joxer would be purposely avoiding him, but if he'd showed up on Monday and Joxer saw him before Ares spotted Joxer he'd know what Ares was up to.
So he'd bided his time, and now the moment of truth was finally upon him. He took a deep breath and turned sharply in the opposite direction of his class, willing his heart to stop pounding so hard against his chest. It would be just like him to drop dead of a heart attack right outside the music room; that would be fun for Joxer to explain to the administration, especially considering the gym was all the way on the other side of the building.
When he reached the music room without incident he paused outside the door, taking a deep breath and wiping his hands on his palms before he peered in the small glass window set into the door. Joxer was standing at the front of the room, his eyes on his lesson plan. There were no students in the room yet, and he sent up a quick prayer that none of them would show up before he got Joxer to listen at least to part of what he had to say.
He flattened his palm against the wooden door, half expecting Joxer to hear the sound of his erratic heartbeat and look up before he ever made it into the room. That didn't happen, though, and when he did push the door open the other man looked up and smiled at him. As soon as their eyes met Joxer's smile faded, and Ares' heart dropped into his stomach as he watched Joxer glance over his shoulder at the door.
"Are you lost?" Joxer asked, his voice carefully measured as he stepped out from behind his desk. "If you need help finding the gym I'm sure I could find someone…"
"Stop it," Ares interrupted, wincing at the desperation he was sure Joxer could hear in his voice. He took a few steps into the room, stopping when they were about ten feet apart. "Don't pretend you don't know why I'm here."
"How would I know that?" Joxer asked, bitterness creeping into his tone as he watched Ares walk toward him. "Oh, that's right, I’m supposed to be perfect. Does that mean I should be able to read your mind too? Because I'm afraid that's not one of my talents."
"Look, I've been trying to tell you since Wednesday that I'm sorry. You won't take my calls or answer your door, what else was I supposed to do?"
"So you decided to get us both fired?"
"Nobody saw me come in here," Ares answered, but as soon as he said it he glanced over his shoulder to make sure they really were alone. "And even if they did, they don't know why I'm here."
"That makes all of us, doesn't it?" Joxer snapped. "Look, Ares, you made yourself perfectly clear the other night. The best thing we can do right now is steer clear of each other."
Ares felt his head shaking, his hands curling into fists at his sides to keep him from closing the distance between them and shaking Joxer until he listened to reason. He knew this was the wrong place to do this; they could both get in a lot of trouble if anyone overheard them, but he was willing to risk anything to get Joxer back in his life. "I don't need space," he said, taking a few more steps forward. "I never wanted that, Joxer. That wasn't what I meant…I was just…"
"What?" Joxer let out a sigh when Ares paused, but he let his arms fall away from the stranglehold they'd had on his chest. "Ares, you have to tell me how you feel. I'm not perfect, I don't know what you need unless you tell me."
"Yes, you do. That's just it; you always know what I need before I do, from the Christmas tree to telling me that you…" He stopped and glanced self-consciously toward the door, but they were still alone.
"That I love you?" Joxer prompted, drawing Ares' attention back to him.
"Yes," Ares answered, his features softening into a sad smile. What he wanted to do more than anything was reach out and touch the other man, run his fingers over soft skin and assure himself that Joxer was still real and still his. He knew how close he'd come to losing the one person who meant more to him than anyone except his son, and he knew that thought was going to wake him up at night for months to come. If Joxer's expression was anything to judge by it wasn't too late, though, and his heart skipped a beat when the other man took a small step forward.
"I do," Joxer said, his voice barely a whisper in the stillness of the room. "But if you don't trust me enough to tell me when something's bothering you then this can't work."
Ares swallowed nervously and told himself that he could do this. Trust was the hardest thing in the world for him, but he'd do whatever he had to do to keep Joxer. "I know. I mean I do."
A small smile tugged at the corners of Joxer's mouth, and Ares could see the other man's fingers twitching the same way his own were. Just the knowledge that Joxer wanted to touch him as badly as Ares did was enough to get him through the rest of the day, and he found himself grinning back at the smaller man. "So does this mean you're talking to me again?"
"We have a lot more talking to do," Joxer answered, his expression turning serious. "I mean it, Ares. We've got to straighten out some things; I know you don't want to talk about it, but if we don't this is just going to happen again three months from now."
Ares nodded his understanding, although the truth was he wasn't really listening anymore. He hadn't heard the word 'no', and that was all he really cared about. Before he realized what he was doing he reached for Joxer, only to freeze when he heard the door open behind him. Before he had time to turn around and see who'd interrupted them Joxer had put at least three feet of space between them, all the color draining from his face as he watched whoever it was walk into the room.
Slowly Ares turned toward the door, forcing what he hoped was a nonchalant grin as he watched two students take seats in the back of the room. He didn't recognize either boy, but it was obvious from their expressions that they'd picked up on something when they walked into the room. The joy he'd felt a moment ago quickly faded to regret, and he turned back to Joxer with what he was sure was a miserable expression. When their eyes met again Joxer gave him an encouraging smile, making Ares' pulse quicken in spite of the fact that they'd just been caught almost kissing by two sophomores.
"Thank you for understanding, Mr. Kouros," Joxer said, gesturing for Ares to follow as he started in the direction of the door. "I appreciate the fact that you're willing to talk to the boys about their behavior in class. I'm sure it will make a much bigger difference coming from you than it would from me."
"Sure…I mean it's the least I can do," Ares stammered, wincing as he tripped over his own words.
He flinched when a warm hand landed on his arm, glancing down at Joxer's fingers before he looked up at the other man again. When their eyes met Joxer's expression was the picture of professionalism, however, and once again Ares found himself being herded out the door. "I know you've got a class to get to," Joxer said a little more loudly than he needed to as he pushed Ares gently into the hall. "Thanks for stopping by."
A moment later Ares found himself alone in the hall, staring at the door to the music room. He shook his head and glanced around to make sure no one was watching him before he stole another quick glance at Joxer through the window. He couldn't quite stop the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth as he watched Joxer making conversation with the boys that had walked in on them; he knew he should feel guilty for taking such a huge risk and jeopardizing Joxer's career, but it was hard to worry about that when he'd just gotten a second chance at the best thing that had ever happened to him.
~
"I'm not perfect, you know," Joxer murmured, shifting against Ares and reaching up to cover the hand that was resting against his chest. Ares watched as he entwined their fingers together, wrapping his other arm a little more firmly around Joxer's waist.
He didn't want to talk about this now; he knew Joxer wasn't going to let him get away with not talking at all, but right now he wanted to focus on the slide of soft skin against his chest and the warm weight of Joxer pressed against him. He wasn't sure how long they'd been sitting propped against the arm of the couch with Joxer's back pressed firmly against his chest, but as far as he was concerned they could stay right where they were forever. He couldn't think of a single reason to ever move from this exact position, especially when Joxer's thumb began moving against his palm.
"I'm serious," Joxer said when Ares didn't answer, twisting his neck to try to catch a glimpse of Ares' profile. "Look at the way I ran out of here the other night. I have a terrible habit of doing that, I always have. Any time something doesn't go my way I take off, that's the biggest complaint all my boyfriends have had about me."
"It doesn't matter," Ares answered, brushing his lips against the soft skin just below Joxer's ear. "You're here now, that's all that matters."
"Ares," Joxer said, his tone letting Ares know that he wasn't about to let the subject slide that easily. "You promised you'd talk about this. We should have talked about it before we did anything else."
A low, rich laughed escaped Ares' throat as he ran his free hand over Joxer's bare arm. "I'm not sure I could have concentrated on conversation if we hadn't done something else first."
He felt Joxer's smile before he saw it, the sight warming him in a different way than the body pressed against him. "That's probably true," Joxer conceded. "But now that we've got that out of our system we need to talk about why you decided that I'm too perfect."
Ares swallowed a resigned sigh and sank a little further into the couch, pulling Joxer tight against him again. "I told you, you always know what I need before I do. You always say the right thing, and you never seem worried about anything."
"Of course I worry."
"Oh, really? About what?" He didn't mean for it to sound like as much of a challenge as it did, but he couldn't help wondering what it was that Joxer spent his time worrying about.
"I worry that you're going to get tired of spending all your time with a boring old schoolteacher."
"You're not old," Ares said. He relaxed a little at the sound of Joxer's soft laugh, but he couldn't tell whether or not the other man had been joking. The thought that he could ever get bored with Joxer was so ridiculous that he had no idea how to answer, so he just tightened his grip on the other man and pressed another kiss to the side of his neck. "You're not boring either. In fact, Dite seems to think you're quite a catch. She warned me not to let my stubborn pride get in the way of us."
"You talked to your ex-wife about me?"
"Well she is a marriage counselor," Ares said. "So she knows a little something about relationships."
Another soft laugh escaped Joxer's throat, and he shifted against Ares until the other man groaned and thrust against him again. "We may not be old, but we're too old for a repeat performance so soon," he murmured against Joxer's ear.
His only answer was a derisive snort, but before either of them could do anything to disprove his theory the phone rang. "Let the machine answer," Ares said when Joxer tried to pull away from him.
"What if it's Cupid?" Joxer asked as he craned his neck to give Ares better access to the soft skin there.
"It's not. He went to some school thing tonight, academic decathlon trials or something. And there's nobody else in the world I want to talk to right now."
As soon as he finished speaking the machine picked up, filling the room with his own voice for a few moments before the message beeped and began recording. For a moment he didn't recognize the voice, but as soon as he did he closed his eyes and prayed that this wouldn't ruin everything they'd spent the past few hours working out.
"Ares, where are you?" the disembodied voice said into the silence of the room. "I haven't seen you in an age, I'm starting to think you're avoiding me. I've got the whole weekend free if you're up for it. Give me a call."
As soon as the line clicked and went dead Joxer pulled away from Ares, his expression guarded as he turned to face the other man. "Who was that?"
"No one, I promise," Ares answered, sitting up and reaching out to cup Joxer's cheek in his hand. The other man tensed but didn't pull away, and Ares decided to take that as a good sign. "Just someone I used to see once in awhile, before I met you. I haven't heard from him in months; I haven't even thought about him since we started dating, I swear. He just doesn't know that I'm seeing someone, that's all. If he did he wouldn't have called."
"Well maybe you should call him and tell him to lose your number," Joxer muttered, shooting such a deadly glare at the answering machine that Ares couldn't help laughing.
"You're jealous."
"I am not," Joxer said, turning his glare on Ares.
"Yes, you are." Ares ran a thumb over Joxer's lower lip, smiling affectionately as the other man pouted at him. Before Joxer could argue with him any more he leaned forward, capturing Joxer's lips with his own. He knew he wouldn't be able to explain to Joxer why he was so relieved to know that Joxer was jealous of a voice from his past, so he didn't bother to try. Instead he focused on kissing the other man, committing the feel and taste of Joxer's mouth to memory all over again. Joxer's jealousy was the first real proof he had that he really wasn't perfect, and right now it was all he needed to convince him that everything was going to work out fine.
My true love hath my heart and I have his,
By just exchange one for the other given;
I hold his dear and mine he cannot miss;
There never was a better bargain driven.
My true love hath my heart and I have his,
His heart in me keeps him and me in one;
My heart in him his thoughts and senses guides;
He loves my heart for once it was his own,
I cherish his because in me it bides.
My true love hath my heart and I have his.
-- "Heart Exchange", Sir Philip Sidney
Fandom: Xena
Pairing: Ares/Joxer
Rating: NC17
Summary: Sequel to "What You Wish For"; part of the "Stupid Cupid" universe. The further adventures of Ares and Joxer in New York.
Wednesday was usually Ares' favorite day of the work week; it meant his beginner class and then a late dinner, followed by a whole night with Joxer lying next to him right in the middle of the week. For the first time since they met he wasn't looking forward to Wednesday, though, and he wasn't sure what to do about it. He wanted everything to be the way it had been during the first weeks of their relationship; fresh and new and exciting, full of promise but not serious enough for Ares to worry constantly about screwing things up.
He was almost positive he'd come close to ruining everything on Sunday. He'd spent most of the day distracted and standoffish, and eventually Joxer had snapped and demanded to know what was wrong. He'd made up something about Cupid and Christmas that he was sure Joxer hadn't bought, but he'd gone with the lie because it was better than telling Joxer the truth. Since then he'd alternated between worrying that Joxer wouldn't show up on Wednesday and berating himself for lying to the other man in the first place. He was still caught between the two on Wednesday afternoon, so distracted by his own private worries that he didn't hear the door to the dojo open.
The first hint he had that he wasn't alone anymore was a rush of cold air hitting his cheek, then the smell of fresh pine floated over to him. He looked up, frowning at the sudden burst of cold air, in time to see Joxer wrestling a Christmas tree through the front door. Without thinking he started across the studio, pushing the door open a little wider and reaching for one end of the tree to help Joxer haul it inside.
"What is this?" he asked, shock and confusion shining clear in his eyes as Joxer looked up and grinned.
"Well you said you hadn't had time to get ready for Christmas," Joxer answered, pausing to catch his breath once they'd gotten the tree through the front door. "You seemed pretty upset about it, and there's a tree vendor on the corner of the school property, so I thought I'd help get your loft decorated before Cupid gets here. We can set up the tree before class, then I can come back tomorrow night and help you decorate it."
"You bought me a Christmas tree?"
"Sure," Joxer answered, shrugging and flashing a cheerful grin. He seemed to think it was the most natural thing in the world, and Ares wasn't sure whether to be grateful or horrified that once again Joxer had done exactly the right thing. "It was right on my way. So do you have any decorations or do we need to get some?"
"No, I've got a few boxes of stuff upstairs somewhere." Finally Ares stopped staring at the tree long enough to glance up at Joxer, his eyes narrowing slightly as he took in the flushed cheeks and the way Joxer's hair curled around his ears. "Did you drag this all the way here by yourself?"
"I figured it would be a good warm-up for class. Or something," Joxer said, his grin turning mischievous as he picked up the trunk again. "Come on, help me get it up the stairs."
Ares shook his head but did as he was told, helping Joxer wrestle the tree through yet another door and then up the stairs to his loft. They set it down in the center of the living room while Ares hunted down his tree stand and the boxes of decorations, then Joxer helped him set the tree in the stand and get it straight before he filled the stand with water. They set it right in front of the large window running along the outer wall of the loft; when it was set up it looked bigger than it had downstairs, and Ares couldn't help wondering how Joxer had gotten it all the way from the school to his place without hurting himself.
That was almost easier to believe than the fact that he'd thought to do it in the first place, and Ares wasn't sure what to say. For a long time he stood in the center of the room and just stared at it, arms crossed over his chest and his forehead furrowed in concentration. He was barely aware of the fact that Joxer was standing right next to him, and until the other man reached out and touched him he didn't realize Joxer was watching him.
"Ares? What's wrong, don't you like it?"
It took Ares a minute to figure out what Joxer was talking about, but as soon as he did he shook his head and turned back to the tree again. "Of course I do, Joxer."
"Then what's the problem?"
"It's nothing."
He heard the sigh but didn’t look over, unwilling to see the disappointment in Joxer's eyes. He knew it wasn't a good enough answer, but it was the only one he could come up with on short notice. His mind was racing almost as fast as his heart, and he had no idea what any of the emotions assaulting him meant. The fact that Joxer had shown up with a Christmas tree shouldn't be affecting him so much - it was just a stupid tree, after all, and just because Joxer had listened to his lies on Sunday and taken them to heart didn't mean anything.
"Ares, come on," Joxer said, his grip on Ares' arm tightening a little. "Something's been bothering you since Sunday. Why won't you tell me what it is?"
Ares let out a deep breath and let his shoulders fall, his gaze locked on the tree so he wouldn't have to see Joxer's expression. "It's nothing, just…" He paused and glanced over at the other man, flinching away from the mixture of confusion and hurt in Joxer's eyes. "Do you have to be so damn perfect all the time?"
"What?" Joxer said, his eyes wide as he stared back at Ares. He stepped backwards, snatching his hand away from Ares' arm as though the other man's skin was burning him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, forget it," Ares said, regretting the words as soon as they'd escaped his throat. There was no way Joxer was just going to forget it, but he was too tired to try to explain them. Suddenly his whole body felt heavy, as though his limbs were made of lead and if he tried to move he'd just sink into the floor. "I didn't mean it. It's a great tree."
"No, you did mean it," Joxer shot back, his eyes narrowing as he took another step away from Ares. "You really think…what, that I'm bothering you? God, Ares, why didn't you just tell me? If I was crowding you all you had to do was say something and I would have backed off."
"It's not that," Ares answered, forcing his legs to work with him long enough to take a step toward the other man. "Joxer, I didn't mean…"
"I know what you meant," Joxer answered, his voice colder than Ares had ever heard it. The sound made Ares' chest ache, his heart in his throat as he wondered how he'd managed to screw up so much in just a few minutes. Before he reached Joxer the smaller man shook his head, only stopping in his path toward the door long enough to pick up his coat. "You can have all the time you want, Ares. Just forget I bothered you."
With that he turned and let himself out of the loft. For a moment Ares stood frozen in the center for the room, his body rebelling against his brain's command to go after Joxer, to stop him and make him listen. By the time he managed to move the door at the bottom of the stairs was slamming shut, and he knew by the time he got down to the sidewalk Joxer would have disappeared into the crowd already. Instead of going after the other man he shut the door to the loft and leaned back against it, staring at the tree still standing in front of his window.
It would have been so easy just to tell Joxer that he loved the tree, that he couldn't believe that someone would go to all that trouble for him. It would have been the simplest thing in the world to tell him the truth, but every time he opened his mouth it seemed as though someone else's voice came out. He had no idea why he'd accused Joxer of being too perfect; sure, he felt that way more and more lately, but he knew that wasn't Joxer's problem. He was the one that couldn't get anything right, and now he really had managed to screw up the best thing he'd ever had.
~
Cupid ran ahead of his father into the house, letting the screen door slam behind him. By the time Ares made it inside Cupid was already up the stairs, and Ares let out a heavy sigh as he listened to the sound of heavy footsteps pounding the ceiling over his head. The weekend had been more disastrous than he could remember even in the very beginning of his separation from Dite; they'd gone to look at the decorations in Manhattan and even decorated the tree Joxer had brought over, but Ares had spent the whole weekend brooding and distracted.
Any time Cupid tried to bring up Joxer Ares had snapped at him, and by the end of the weekend not even his son was speaking to him. Nothing Ares had said made any difference, and now he was resigned to spending another Christmas completely alone. He didn't even want to celebrate Christmas, not with the way things had worked out in the past few days. It had been four whole days since Joxer had stormed out of the loft, and he'd held true to his promise to give Ares all the space he needed. He wouldn't answer his phone or his door, and so far he hadn't returned any of Ares' calls.
Finally Ares had resigned himself to the fact that he really had ruined everything. He'd been trying to convince himself for two days that he deserved it, but there was still a tiny part of him that hoped Joxer would come around. If he could just accept that it was over it would be a lot easier to let go and move on, but the fact that he was still clinging to the hope that Joxer really did love him as much as he said made it impossible for him to give up. And he really was pathetic, because there was no way that anybody would forgive someone like him for being such an idiot. Joxer had probably spent the past four days wondering why he'd ever saddled himself with Ares in the first place, and now that he was free there was no way he was going to come back for more.
He shook off the depressing thought and made his way toward the kitchen, pushing the door open to look for Dite. She was sitting at the table, head bent over what he guessed was a case file, humming one of those oldies songs she liked so much under her breath. Ares smiled mirthlessly and let himself into the room, clearing his throat to get her attention.
She didn't look up right away, but when she did she frowned and shut the case file she'd been working on. "What's wrong with you? You look like somebody ran over your dog."
"Nothing," Ares answered, but he could tell from her expression she wasn't buying it. "Rough weekend. Cupid's not exactly speaking to me."
"Cupid's not speaking to anybody these days," she said, standing up and crossing to the coffee pot to pour him a cup. "Sit."
He obeyed automatically, sinking gratefully into a chair and resting his elbows on the table. "It's my fault this time," he confessed as she set a hot cup of coffee down in front of him and sank into her own chair. "I've got a lot on my mind and I guess I took it out on him."
For a long moment she peered at him, her forehead furrowed in concentration as she studied his features. Finally she saw whatever she was looking for and straightened up again, shaking her head and making a noise in the back of her throat that he recognized as disapproval. "What did you do?"
"What do you mean?"
"Come on, Ares, I've known you practically your whole life. I know guilt when I see it. Oh, God. You didn't cheat on Joxer, did you?"
"No," he snapped as indignantly as he dared. He knew she had a right to jump to that exact conclusion, and if he tried to act offended she'd remind him of exactly why. "I just said something dumb, that's all. But he won't talk to me, so there's nothing I can do. It's over."
Another unflattering noise escaped her throat, making him narrow his eyes and look up at her. "What? I can't do anything to fix it if he won't even talk to me."
"Please, Ares, you give up faster than anybody I know when things get tough," she said, leaning forward and jabbing an accusing finger in his direction. "In the whole time we were married you never once stood up to me. Every time I argued with you, you always backed right down. You'd put up with anything to avoid having to explain how you felt back then, and I bet you're doing the same thing to Joxer now."
"I am not," Ares answered, not bothering to look up long enough to witness the look on her face. He knew she wasn't buying it; she knew him well enough to know when she'd figured out what he was avoiding, and there was a part of him that wanted to tell her what had happened. He had to talk to somebody about it, anyway, and if anyone could offer useful advice it would be her. "Look, all I said was that I didn't see why he had to be so perfect all the time."
"He dumped you because of that?"
He glanced at her long enough to take in her skeptical expression before frowning and looking down at his coffee again. "He didn't exactly dump me. He just said he'd give me as much space as I needed and left. But he won't answer my calls and he wouldn't answer the door when I went by his place on Thursday."
"So why'd you accuse him of being perfect in the first place?"
"It's stupid," he said, a frustrated sigh escaping his throat as the memory of Joxer grinning at him over that stupid tree resurfaced. "He bought me a Christmas tree. I know he was just trying to help, but I just…he just does stuff like that all the time. He always knows exactly what to do or what to say, he never worries about what's happening with us and he always seems like he knows exactly where we're heading. Meanwhile I haven't got a clue what the hell's going on."
"So you messed up your relationship because you don't know what you want?"
Ares looked up at her again, his eyes narrowing a little at her expression. "If you're going to laugh at me I'll just get out of your way."
"Nobody's laughing at you, Ares," she said, resting her hand on his arm to push him back into his chair. "Just chill out, I'm not the one you're mad at here."
"I'm not mad at Joxer."
"I didn't say you were," she pointed out, raising elegant eyebrows when he met her gaze. "You're not mad at Joxer; you're mad at yourself. You've finally got somebody that gives you everything you want, am I right? And instead of dumping you as soon as he finds out how messed up you are, he buys you a Christmas tree. Don't you know he loves you, you big dope? I saw that the first time I met him."
"I know," Ares answered.
"So?"
"So what?"
Dite rolled her eyes and sat back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest. "So do you love him or not?"
"Of course," Ares answered automatically. If he'd been paying attention he would have seen the brief flash of hurt in her eyes, but he was too focused on the memory of Joxer's face the moment he'd stormed out of the loft. "But it doesn't matter. He's never going to speak to me again."
"You always were an idiot," she said, ignoring the look he shot her as she stood up and pulled his coffee cup away from him. "Get out of here. Go on back to the city and talk to him. He deserves that much for putting up with you for this long."
"I just told you, he won't talk to me," Ares said, but he let her pull him out of his chair and push him in the direction of the door.
She rolled her eyes and flattened her palms against his chest, giving him another shove. "Do I have to do everything?" she asked no one in particular, lifting her eyes heavenward. "Look, he has to come out of his apartment sometime, right? You know where he works, find him."
"Are you telling me I should stalk him?"
"Hey, if that's what it takes," she answered as she herded him through the kitchen door. "Look, Ares, if you want him back you're going to have to find a way to make him listen. And if you don't…well, you've got nobody but yourself to blame for that, do you?"
She gave him one final shove, and before he knew it he was standing at the front door. He opened his mouth to answer her, but she just shook her head and reached around him to open the door. A minute later he found himself out on the front step; he had no idea how he'd gotten there, but before he had time to figure it out the door closed in his face. For a long time he stood there staring at it, trying to work out what had just happened. Finally he gave up and turned away from the house, shaking his head at the fact that for once Dite's advice actually made sense. He'd never admit it to her, but she had a good point. He'd never thought about cornering Joxer at work, but that was probably the only place that Ares could get him to listen.
~
By the time Tuesday rolled around Ares was so nervous that he could barely stand still. He decided to wait until Tuesday to track Joxer down at Mount St. Michael's; he taught class there on Tuesdays so he knew Joxer would be purposely avoiding him, but if he'd showed up on Monday and Joxer saw him before Ares spotted Joxer he'd know what Ares was up to.
So he'd bided his time, and now the moment of truth was finally upon him. He took a deep breath and turned sharply in the opposite direction of his class, willing his heart to stop pounding so hard against his chest. It would be just like him to drop dead of a heart attack right outside the music room; that would be fun for Joxer to explain to the administration, especially considering the gym was all the way on the other side of the building.
When he reached the music room without incident he paused outside the door, taking a deep breath and wiping his hands on his palms before he peered in the small glass window set into the door. Joxer was standing at the front of the room, his eyes on his lesson plan. There were no students in the room yet, and he sent up a quick prayer that none of them would show up before he got Joxer to listen at least to part of what he had to say.
He flattened his palm against the wooden door, half expecting Joxer to hear the sound of his erratic heartbeat and look up before he ever made it into the room. That didn't happen, though, and when he did push the door open the other man looked up and smiled at him. As soon as their eyes met Joxer's smile faded, and Ares' heart dropped into his stomach as he watched Joxer glance over his shoulder at the door.
"Are you lost?" Joxer asked, his voice carefully measured as he stepped out from behind his desk. "If you need help finding the gym I'm sure I could find someone…"
"Stop it," Ares interrupted, wincing at the desperation he was sure Joxer could hear in his voice. He took a few steps into the room, stopping when they were about ten feet apart. "Don't pretend you don't know why I'm here."
"How would I know that?" Joxer asked, bitterness creeping into his tone as he watched Ares walk toward him. "Oh, that's right, I’m supposed to be perfect. Does that mean I should be able to read your mind too? Because I'm afraid that's not one of my talents."
"Look, I've been trying to tell you since Wednesday that I'm sorry. You won't take my calls or answer your door, what else was I supposed to do?"
"So you decided to get us both fired?"
"Nobody saw me come in here," Ares answered, but as soon as he said it he glanced over his shoulder to make sure they really were alone. "And even if they did, they don't know why I'm here."
"That makes all of us, doesn't it?" Joxer snapped. "Look, Ares, you made yourself perfectly clear the other night. The best thing we can do right now is steer clear of each other."
Ares felt his head shaking, his hands curling into fists at his sides to keep him from closing the distance between them and shaking Joxer until he listened to reason. He knew this was the wrong place to do this; they could both get in a lot of trouble if anyone overheard them, but he was willing to risk anything to get Joxer back in his life. "I don't need space," he said, taking a few more steps forward. "I never wanted that, Joxer. That wasn't what I meant…I was just…"
"What?" Joxer let out a sigh when Ares paused, but he let his arms fall away from the stranglehold they'd had on his chest. "Ares, you have to tell me how you feel. I'm not perfect, I don't know what you need unless you tell me."
"Yes, you do. That's just it; you always know what I need before I do, from the Christmas tree to telling me that you…" He stopped and glanced self-consciously toward the door, but they were still alone.
"That I love you?" Joxer prompted, drawing Ares' attention back to him.
"Yes," Ares answered, his features softening into a sad smile. What he wanted to do more than anything was reach out and touch the other man, run his fingers over soft skin and assure himself that Joxer was still real and still his. He knew how close he'd come to losing the one person who meant more to him than anyone except his son, and he knew that thought was going to wake him up at night for months to come. If Joxer's expression was anything to judge by it wasn't too late, though, and his heart skipped a beat when the other man took a small step forward.
"I do," Joxer said, his voice barely a whisper in the stillness of the room. "But if you don't trust me enough to tell me when something's bothering you then this can't work."
Ares swallowed nervously and told himself that he could do this. Trust was the hardest thing in the world for him, but he'd do whatever he had to do to keep Joxer. "I know. I mean I do."
A small smile tugged at the corners of Joxer's mouth, and Ares could see the other man's fingers twitching the same way his own were. Just the knowledge that Joxer wanted to touch him as badly as Ares did was enough to get him through the rest of the day, and he found himself grinning back at the smaller man. "So does this mean you're talking to me again?"
"We have a lot more talking to do," Joxer answered, his expression turning serious. "I mean it, Ares. We've got to straighten out some things; I know you don't want to talk about it, but if we don't this is just going to happen again three months from now."
Ares nodded his understanding, although the truth was he wasn't really listening anymore. He hadn't heard the word 'no', and that was all he really cared about. Before he realized what he was doing he reached for Joxer, only to freeze when he heard the door open behind him. Before he had time to turn around and see who'd interrupted them Joxer had put at least three feet of space between them, all the color draining from his face as he watched whoever it was walk into the room.
Slowly Ares turned toward the door, forcing what he hoped was a nonchalant grin as he watched two students take seats in the back of the room. He didn't recognize either boy, but it was obvious from their expressions that they'd picked up on something when they walked into the room. The joy he'd felt a moment ago quickly faded to regret, and he turned back to Joxer with what he was sure was a miserable expression. When their eyes met again Joxer gave him an encouraging smile, making Ares' pulse quicken in spite of the fact that they'd just been caught almost kissing by two sophomores.
"Thank you for understanding, Mr. Kouros," Joxer said, gesturing for Ares to follow as he started in the direction of the door. "I appreciate the fact that you're willing to talk to the boys about their behavior in class. I'm sure it will make a much bigger difference coming from you than it would from me."
"Sure…I mean it's the least I can do," Ares stammered, wincing as he tripped over his own words.
He flinched when a warm hand landed on his arm, glancing down at Joxer's fingers before he looked up at the other man again. When their eyes met Joxer's expression was the picture of professionalism, however, and once again Ares found himself being herded out the door. "I know you've got a class to get to," Joxer said a little more loudly than he needed to as he pushed Ares gently into the hall. "Thanks for stopping by."
A moment later Ares found himself alone in the hall, staring at the door to the music room. He shook his head and glanced around to make sure no one was watching him before he stole another quick glance at Joxer through the window. He couldn't quite stop the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth as he watched Joxer making conversation with the boys that had walked in on them; he knew he should feel guilty for taking such a huge risk and jeopardizing Joxer's career, but it was hard to worry about that when he'd just gotten a second chance at the best thing that had ever happened to him.
~
"I'm not perfect, you know," Joxer murmured, shifting against Ares and reaching up to cover the hand that was resting against his chest. Ares watched as he entwined their fingers together, wrapping his other arm a little more firmly around Joxer's waist.
He didn't want to talk about this now; he knew Joxer wasn't going to let him get away with not talking at all, but right now he wanted to focus on the slide of soft skin against his chest and the warm weight of Joxer pressed against him. He wasn't sure how long they'd been sitting propped against the arm of the couch with Joxer's back pressed firmly against his chest, but as far as he was concerned they could stay right where they were forever. He couldn't think of a single reason to ever move from this exact position, especially when Joxer's thumb began moving against his palm.
"I'm serious," Joxer said when Ares didn't answer, twisting his neck to try to catch a glimpse of Ares' profile. "Look at the way I ran out of here the other night. I have a terrible habit of doing that, I always have. Any time something doesn't go my way I take off, that's the biggest complaint all my boyfriends have had about me."
"It doesn't matter," Ares answered, brushing his lips against the soft skin just below Joxer's ear. "You're here now, that's all that matters."
"Ares," Joxer said, his tone letting Ares know that he wasn't about to let the subject slide that easily. "You promised you'd talk about this. We should have talked about it before we did anything else."
A low, rich laughed escaped Ares' throat as he ran his free hand over Joxer's bare arm. "I'm not sure I could have concentrated on conversation if we hadn't done something else first."
He felt Joxer's smile before he saw it, the sight warming him in a different way than the body pressed against him. "That's probably true," Joxer conceded. "But now that we've got that out of our system we need to talk about why you decided that I'm too perfect."
Ares swallowed a resigned sigh and sank a little further into the couch, pulling Joxer tight against him again. "I told you, you always know what I need before I do. You always say the right thing, and you never seem worried about anything."
"Of course I worry."
"Oh, really? About what?" He didn't mean for it to sound like as much of a challenge as it did, but he couldn't help wondering what it was that Joxer spent his time worrying about.
"I worry that you're going to get tired of spending all your time with a boring old schoolteacher."
"You're not old," Ares said. He relaxed a little at the sound of Joxer's soft laugh, but he couldn't tell whether or not the other man had been joking. The thought that he could ever get bored with Joxer was so ridiculous that he had no idea how to answer, so he just tightened his grip on the other man and pressed another kiss to the side of his neck. "You're not boring either. In fact, Dite seems to think you're quite a catch. She warned me not to let my stubborn pride get in the way of us."
"You talked to your ex-wife about me?"
"Well she is a marriage counselor," Ares said. "So she knows a little something about relationships."
Another soft laugh escaped Joxer's throat, and he shifted against Ares until the other man groaned and thrust against him again. "We may not be old, but we're too old for a repeat performance so soon," he murmured against Joxer's ear.
His only answer was a derisive snort, but before either of them could do anything to disprove his theory the phone rang. "Let the machine answer," Ares said when Joxer tried to pull away from him.
"What if it's Cupid?" Joxer asked as he craned his neck to give Ares better access to the soft skin there.
"It's not. He went to some school thing tonight, academic decathlon trials or something. And there's nobody else in the world I want to talk to right now."
As soon as he finished speaking the machine picked up, filling the room with his own voice for a few moments before the message beeped and began recording. For a moment he didn't recognize the voice, but as soon as he did he closed his eyes and prayed that this wouldn't ruin everything they'd spent the past few hours working out.
"Ares, where are you?" the disembodied voice said into the silence of the room. "I haven't seen you in an age, I'm starting to think you're avoiding me. I've got the whole weekend free if you're up for it. Give me a call."
As soon as the line clicked and went dead Joxer pulled away from Ares, his expression guarded as he turned to face the other man. "Who was that?"
"No one, I promise," Ares answered, sitting up and reaching out to cup Joxer's cheek in his hand. The other man tensed but didn't pull away, and Ares decided to take that as a good sign. "Just someone I used to see once in awhile, before I met you. I haven't heard from him in months; I haven't even thought about him since we started dating, I swear. He just doesn't know that I'm seeing someone, that's all. If he did he wouldn't have called."
"Well maybe you should call him and tell him to lose your number," Joxer muttered, shooting such a deadly glare at the answering machine that Ares couldn't help laughing.
"You're jealous."
"I am not," Joxer said, turning his glare on Ares.
"Yes, you are." Ares ran a thumb over Joxer's lower lip, smiling affectionately as the other man pouted at him. Before Joxer could argue with him any more he leaned forward, capturing Joxer's lips with his own. He knew he wouldn't be able to explain to Joxer why he was so relieved to know that Joxer was jealous of a voice from his past, so he didn't bother to try. Instead he focused on kissing the other man, committing the feel and taste of Joxer's mouth to memory all over again. Joxer's jealousy was the first real proof he had that he really wasn't perfect, and right now it was all he needed to convince him that everything was going to work out fine.
My true love hath my heart and I have his,
By just exchange one for the other given;
I hold his dear and mine he cannot miss;
There never was a better bargain driven.
My true love hath my heart and I have his,
His heart in me keeps him and me in one;
My heart in him his thoughts and senses guides;
He loves my heart for once it was his own,
I cherish his because in me it bides.
My true love hath my heart and I have his.
-- "Heart Exchange", Sir Philip Sidney