Fic: Empty Hours (House Arrest, Matt/T.J., PG)
Title: Empty Hours
Fandom: House Arrest
Pairing: Matt/T.J.
Rating: PG
Summary: Part 3 of the Kiss Series.
So far T.J.'s favorite thing about having a boyfriend was watching Matt blush every time T.J. caught his eye. It had happened more times than he could count already, and it was only lunchtime. Being in different grades meant they didn't have any classes together, but he'd gotten into the habit of going out of his way to run into Matt in the halls ever since they started hanging out together. Finding the younger boy in the bathroom before school was just a lucky coincidence, but since then every time he saw Matt they'd both grin and then Matt would blush and suddenly become fascinated with his shoes.
He was still doing it now, sitting across the cafeteria table from T.J. Every so often T.J. would look up and find Matt watching him with a mixture of awe and embarrassment, and as soon as their eyes met Matt would blush and look down at his lunch. It had to be the cutest thing T.J. had ever seen, not that he'd ever admit that out loud. It was even cuter than the way Matt tucked his hair behind his ears when he was nervous. Of course he'd been doing a lot of that since he sat down at the table too, and it was taking a lot of self-control for T.J. not to reach over and catch the other boy's fingers in his own just to stop him from fidgeting.
Not that he could really blame Matt for being nervous; even though T.J. was doing a better job of hiding it, he was a little nervous too. The truth was that he had no idea what they were doing. He hadn't really meant to kiss Matt that first time, but once he had he knew there was no going back. It hadn't even been a day and everything had changed; he just hoped that the changes weren't going to ruin their friendship.
One of the most noticeable changes was that they hadn't said much to each other since they'd sat down for lunch. Usually they spent the entire lunch hour talking about nothing, laughing at each other's jokes or conducting complex conversations in a shorthand that nobody else seemed to understand. Today, though, Matt could barely look at him without turning bright red, and T.J. knew eventually even Grover and Brooke would come up for air long enough to notice.
"Hey," he said, stealing a quick glance at Grover and Brooke to make sure they weren't paying attention, "you wanna come over after school?"
Evidently Matt was as worried about Grover and Brooke as T.J. was, because he stole a quick glance at the oblivious couple before he leaned a little further across the table. "What, to your house?"
T.J. rolled his eyes in an effort to make himself look less nervous than he felt. "Where else? It's not like I'm gonna invite you over to your house."
Matt blushed again, but the truth was that T.J. couldn't really blame him for being surprised. They never hung out at T.J.'s house; in fact, he could count the times Matt had been in his house on one hand. He told himself it was because there was more to do at Matt's house, but they both knew that wasn't true. The fact was that T.J.'s house was big, quiet, and almost always empty. It was depressing, and the less time he spent there the happier he was. Matt's house, on the other hand, was usually in a state of chaos, and T.J. had gotten used to having a houseful of people yelling at each other over various TVs and stereos.
Tonight, though, his parents would be at an office party, and he knew his father never left those things early. Which meant he and Matt would have the run of the house pretty much all night, and for the first time since they started hanging out that seemed important. The thought of actually being alone with Matt did weird things to his stomach that weren't entirely pleasant, but he ignored them as well as he could and did his best to look like it was no big deal.
For a long time Matt just stared at him, but he finally snapped out of it, blushed again, and looked back down at his lunch. "Yeah, sure," he said, his voice so low that T.J. had to lean practically across the table to catch his answer. It wasn't exactly the enthusiastic response he'd been hoping for, but he told himself it was just because they were both still getting used to the fact that there was a 'them' now. It didn't have anything to do with the furtive glances Matt kept stealing, or the way T.J.'s stomach twisted into a brand-new set of knots every time their eyes met.
Neither one of them said much more than that for the rest of lunch, but if anyone else at their table noticed they didn't say anything. When the bell finally rang to signal the end of lunch T.J. was so relieved that he stood up a little faster than he needed to, almost tipping the contents of his half-full milk carton onto the table. He caught it just in time, shaking his head at himself as he carefully picked up his tray and balanced it in one hand. There was no reason for him to act weird just because Matt was; people expected him to keep his cool no matter what, and he wasn't about to stop just because he'd kissed his best friend a couple times.
He was so busy berating himself for making an idiot of himself that he almost forgot Matt was trailing along the hall behind him until he glanced over his shoulder and caught sight of blonde hair. Instantly his stomach did another somersault, and he swallowed hard against the rush of nerves and stopped long enough to let Matt catch up with him. "So I'll see you later," he said, stopping in front of his classroom.
For a second Matt looked confused, but a moment later he realized where they were, and his cheeks turned a little more pink. "Yeah, right. Later," he mumbled. For a second T.J. thought he looked almost disappointed, but before he had a chance to decide whether or not he was imagining it Matt was pushing his way through the crowd, mumbling apologies when he collided with a group of sophomores.
"Your boyfriend gets a little weirder every day, Krupp," a familiar voice said, and T.J. scowled as he watched several of his classmates laugh at Matt's retreating figure.
"Fuck off," he said to the guy who'd made the joke, heading into the classroom and sliding into his seat before the rest of them had a chance to say anything. He hadn't really given much thought to how hanging out with Matt would affect his reputation; he'd never cared about that stuff, even when he was still pushing the freshmen around. He'd always figured all the other guys were too scared of him to say anything about the fact that he was hanging out with a freshman, though, so the joke had taken him off guard.
He knew they didn't really think Matt was his boyfriend; he hoped they didn't, anyway, because if that got out both their lives would probably be a lot more difficult. Nobody was going to be afraid of a school bully that liked guys, even if they'd been afraid of him since grade school. That didn't bother him as much as the thought of what Matt would have to put up with, though, especially because they were in different classes. T.J. couldn't be around to watch his back all the time, and if the other guys weren't afraid of him anymore they'd have no reason to leave Matt alone.
It had been less than twenty-four hours and things were already getting a lot more complicated than he'd anticipated. In fact, until that morning T.J. hadn't really thought about whether or not they were a couple. He'd spent most of the previous night focusing on memorizing every aspect of what it felt like to kiss Matt, and the rest of the time wondering how long it would be before it happened again. He hadn't expected to find Matt alone in the bathroom first thing in the morning, but as soon as he'd seen the other boy he'd acted without even thinking.
That kind of risk was just going to get them both in a lot of trouble. Anybody could have walked in and seen him pushing Matt into the stall, and after all the time they'd spent together nobody would believe T.J. was beating him up. And maybe nobody really believed that Matt was his boyfriend, but the fact that they were joking around about it meant that somewhere in the back of their minds they knew it was a possibility.
He didn't hear a word any of his teachers said for the rest of the day; his mind was occupied with what would happen if anyone figured out what was going on between him and Matt, and every scenario he came up with was a little worse than the last. He was so distracted that he almost walked right past Matt after school, and he only stopped when a hand closed around his arm.
"Hey," Matt said, the same nervousness T.J. had seen earlier lurking behind his eyes. "What's the matter?"
For a second he thought about telling Matt that he couldn't hang out tonight after all. It wouldn't be that hard to make the other boy believe that something had come up at the last minute; he could say he'd forgotten some thing with his parents, or even fake a stomachache. But as soon as their eyes met he knew he couldn't do it - he didn't even want to, because Matt was looking at him like he was expecting T.J. to say something exactly like what he'd just been thinking.
"Nothing," he answered, giving himself a little shake to snap himself out of it. "You ready?"
"Yeah." Matt fell into step next to him, but T.J. could feel the other boy's curious glances every few seconds. He knew he should say something to make Matt feel better, but he had no idea what. He was pretty sure if he tried something completely wrong would come out, so he kept his mouth shut and led the other boy out to his van.
They rode back to his house in silence, T.J. trying to figure out how things had changed so drastically from that morning. When he'd kissed Matt in the bathroom everything had felt different; he couldn't remember a time when he'd been that happy, and when Matt had asked if it meant they were boyfriends he couldn't help laughing because he'd been wondering the exact same thing. It had seemed like a good thing when Matt asked the question, but after a few hours he wasn't so sure anymore.
It felt like forever before they finally got to his house, and part of him hoped that maybe his parents would be home after all. When they got inside the house was just as cold and empty as it always was, though, and he suppressed a shudder as he dropped his keys on the counter and headed for the fridge. "You want something to drink?" he called over his shoulder, glancing at Matt long enough to see that the other boy still looked a little nervous.
"Yeah, sure," Matt answered, taking a few more steps into the kitchen as T.J. pulled a couple Cokes out of the fridge. He handed one to Matt and turned away again to lead the way toward the front of the house.
"Come on upstairs," he said without bothering to look back to make sure Matt was following, "I gotta feed Spot."
When they reached his bedroom he kicked the door open and tossed his jacket on the bed, kicking random piles of clothes out of the way as he crossed the room to stop in front of the giant aquarium that held his boa constrictor. He reached into a smaller tank next to it and pulled out a fat white mouse, holding it up and grinning at it for a second before he dropped it in the tank. "Say goodbye, little guy," he said as Spot began to uncoil lazily from his corner of the tank.
"Do you think he knows?" Matt asked, leaning over to watch the mouse scurry around the tank. "Think he can tell he's a goner?"
T.J. shrugged and put the top back on the tank. "Beats me. His brain's like the size of a pea, right? Probably doesn't know much of anything."
"Yeah, I guess," Matt answered, but he kept his eyes trained on the tank for another long moment, watching as Spot slowly slithered closer to the mouse. Finally he shuddered and straightened up, turning abruptly and nearly colliding with T.J. His whole face immediately turned pink and he took a step backwards, then thought better of it when he remembered the snake right behind him. "Sorry."
While he was focused on Spot, T.J. had been able to forget most of his own nervousness, but as soon as he saw how jumpy Matt was all his own nerves came flooding back to pool in the pit of his stomach. "Don't worry about it," he said, clearing his throat and looking away. This had been so easy just a few hours ago, but now that they were alone with no chance of interruption he couldn't shake the feeling that they were doing something they'd both regret.
He couldn't remember ever being so nervous about anything, but this was the first time he'd ever been in a situation like this. It was the first time he'd ever wanted something so much, and it was definitely the first time he'd had so much to lose. The fact that Matt was over a year younger than him was another thing - if it turned out the other boy was just experimenting or something then T.J. would end up all alone again, and that was a thought he wasn't sure he could stand.
"Hey, T.J.?" Matt's voice was so quiet that for a second T.J. thought he'd imagined it, but when he looked up again he realized the other boy was looking at him expectantly.
"Yeah?" he answered, wincing at the way his voice caught on the single syllable.
"Are you mad at me?" Matt asked, his neck turning that tell-tale shade of pink that let T.J. know he was embarrassed.
And maybe he should have figured out that Matt would take his uncharacteristic silence as a sign that he was mad about something, or worse, that he'd changed his mind and was just trying to think of a way to say it. The problem was finding the right words to tell Matt what was really on his mind; he wasn't sure he could make sense of all of it, let alone say it out loud.
"No," he said, shaking his head as though the motion would erase Matt's worry, "why the fuck would you think that?"
"Well this morning…and then after school…you've just been kind of…" He trailed off and looked down, the tips of his ears turning crimson. T.J. could have kicked himself for spending the whole afternoon getting worked up about something that didn't matter; if he'd known Matt was going to think it was because of something he'd done he would have been more careful.
"I'm not mad." T.J. took a step forward and reached out, pushing a few strands of blond hair behind Matt's ear. As soon as he touched the other boy Matt looked up, and T.J. couldn’t help smiling at the hope that crept into his eyes. He took another step forward, then another until there was barely an inch of space left between them. His free hand landed on Matt's waist as the other boy splayed his fingers across T.J.'s chest, flexing against his shirt as he leaned forward and kissed Matt for the third time that day.
A muffled noise escaped the back of Matt's throat when their lips met, his lips parting against T.J.'s mouth. T.J. responded automatically, his grip on Matt's hip tightening reflexively as he opened his own mouth and tentatively traced Matt's bottom lip with his tongue. That earned him another, sharper noise that sent a shiver down his spine. His other hand left Matt's hair to grip his hip, and before he even realized what he was doing he was backing them toward his bed.
Matt's fingers curled around his shirt, tugging on the fabric as though he was trying to get T.J. even closer. He was pretty sure that wasn't possible, at least not while they were standing up, but he wasn't in any condition to explain that to the other boy. He was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to form coherent sentences at all, especially when one of his hands dipped under Matt's shirt and the other boy let out a muffled groan against his mouth.
It wasn't until his legs hit the back of his bed that he realized what he was doing, but as soon as he did alarm bells started going off in his head. He had a feeling that wherever this was going, it was going way too fast, but he wasn't sure he could stop. Matt didn't seem to want to; in fact he was tugging even more urgently on T.J.'s shirt, trying to get more of something, although T.J. wasn't sure even Matt knew what.
He knew he should make them stop, at least long enough to figure out what exactly they were doing. Instead he let his knees buckle, sitting down hard on the edge of his bed and pulling a dazed and slightly bewildered Matt with him. Somehow they managed not to break the kiss, and before he knew it he had a lapful of freshman and Matt's hands had left his chest to grip his shoulders.
He swallowed a moan and tightened his grip on the other boy even as he tried to tell himself that they needed to stop. There was no way he'd be able to get the words out, though, and explaining why would be even harder. He flexed his fingers against Matt's waist, willing himself to push the other boy away long enough to get his attention.
As he struggled to regain control over his limbs he registered a muffled sound from somewhere in the house, his heart skipping a beat when it sank in what the sound meant. "Shit," he muttered, pulling roughly away from the other boy and practically shoving Matt onto the floor in his hurry to stand up. "Somebody's here."
Matt's expression shifted from wounded confusion to terror almost instantly, his hands flying to his mouth as though T.J.'s parents would be able to tell what they'd been doing just by looking at his face. If T.J. hadn't been so busy panicking about what his parents would have walked in on if they'd been ten minutes later, he might have thought Matt's expression was kind of cute. As it was he just wanted the other boy to get a grip before his dad came upstairs and guessed what they'd been up to by the guilty looks on their faces.
He heard footsteps on the stairs and reached up automatically to straighten his rumpled shirt, smoothing a hand over a set of fresh wrinkles. For some reason he expected his father to appear in the doorway, but when the footsteps stopped in front of his room he found himself staring guiltily at his mother. "There you are, honey. Oh, hi, Matt," Mrs. Krupp said, smiling sweetly at both of them.
"Hey, Mom," T.J. answered, casting a furtive glance at Matt to make sure the other boy didn't look as nervous as he felt. "I thought you had that party tonight."
"We do," she answered, evidently oblivious to the fact that both boys were red-faced and wearing matching guilty expressions. "I forgot my dress, so I came home to change. Did you boys get some dinner? I left something in the fridge…"
"It's alright," T.J. interrupted. "We just stopped by to feed Spot, we're gonna go hang out at Matt's house."
"Oh. Well, that's nice," his mother said, smiling at Matt again. "You boys have a nice time."
With that she disappeared in the direction of her bedroom, leaving Matt and T.J. to shift uncomfortably in the sudden silence. He wasn't exactly sure why he'd said they were going to Matt's house, but suddenly it seemed like a good idea to get out of there. His house was too quiet, and once his mom left again…he turned abruptly to the other boy, clearing his throat and willing the heat in his cheeks to die down. "So…you wanna go hang out at your place?"
"Friday night," Matt answered, a shaky grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. He still looked a little shell-shocked, but T.J. was almost sure he was a little relieved at the suggestion. "Pizza night."
He couldn't help grinning at that; everything else around them might have suddenly turned on end, but dinner at Matt's house was always predictable. "I could go for pizza," he said, returning Matt's grin. He followed the other boy out of the room and down the stairs, retrieving his keys from the kitchen before he led Matt out the back door. And he'd probably spend the whole night lying awake and thinking about what had almost happened in his room, but for now he didn't have to think about it. It was hard to worry about anything when Matt's family was around; even if he wanted to dwell on the changes in his relationship with Matt, it was impossible to brood while Matt's dad was telling those lame jokes of his.
T.J. smiled to himself and stole a quick glance at the other boy, his stomach doing a familiar flip when he caught Matt staring back at him. He still wasn't exactly sure what they were doing, but he knew he didn't want to stop whatever it was. He liked Matt - he liked his family, he liked the way Matt made him laugh, and he liked the fact that Matt understood where he was coming from even when he didn't say it out loud. That was worth losing his reputation as the scariest guy in school; it was worth a lot, and he was willing to risk whatever he had to hang onto it.
... we kiss. And it feels like we have just shrugged off the world.
- Jim Shahin
Fandom: House Arrest
Pairing: Matt/T.J.
Rating: PG
Summary: Part 3 of the Kiss Series.
So far T.J.'s favorite thing about having a boyfriend was watching Matt blush every time T.J. caught his eye. It had happened more times than he could count already, and it was only lunchtime. Being in different grades meant they didn't have any classes together, but he'd gotten into the habit of going out of his way to run into Matt in the halls ever since they started hanging out together. Finding the younger boy in the bathroom before school was just a lucky coincidence, but since then every time he saw Matt they'd both grin and then Matt would blush and suddenly become fascinated with his shoes.
He was still doing it now, sitting across the cafeteria table from T.J. Every so often T.J. would look up and find Matt watching him with a mixture of awe and embarrassment, and as soon as their eyes met Matt would blush and look down at his lunch. It had to be the cutest thing T.J. had ever seen, not that he'd ever admit that out loud. It was even cuter than the way Matt tucked his hair behind his ears when he was nervous. Of course he'd been doing a lot of that since he sat down at the table too, and it was taking a lot of self-control for T.J. not to reach over and catch the other boy's fingers in his own just to stop him from fidgeting.
Not that he could really blame Matt for being nervous; even though T.J. was doing a better job of hiding it, he was a little nervous too. The truth was that he had no idea what they were doing. He hadn't really meant to kiss Matt that first time, but once he had he knew there was no going back. It hadn't even been a day and everything had changed; he just hoped that the changes weren't going to ruin their friendship.
One of the most noticeable changes was that they hadn't said much to each other since they'd sat down for lunch. Usually they spent the entire lunch hour talking about nothing, laughing at each other's jokes or conducting complex conversations in a shorthand that nobody else seemed to understand. Today, though, Matt could barely look at him without turning bright red, and T.J. knew eventually even Grover and Brooke would come up for air long enough to notice.
"Hey," he said, stealing a quick glance at Grover and Brooke to make sure they weren't paying attention, "you wanna come over after school?"
Evidently Matt was as worried about Grover and Brooke as T.J. was, because he stole a quick glance at the oblivious couple before he leaned a little further across the table. "What, to your house?"
T.J. rolled his eyes in an effort to make himself look less nervous than he felt. "Where else? It's not like I'm gonna invite you over to your house."
Matt blushed again, but the truth was that T.J. couldn't really blame him for being surprised. They never hung out at T.J.'s house; in fact, he could count the times Matt had been in his house on one hand. He told himself it was because there was more to do at Matt's house, but they both knew that wasn't true. The fact was that T.J.'s house was big, quiet, and almost always empty. It was depressing, and the less time he spent there the happier he was. Matt's house, on the other hand, was usually in a state of chaos, and T.J. had gotten used to having a houseful of people yelling at each other over various TVs and stereos.
Tonight, though, his parents would be at an office party, and he knew his father never left those things early. Which meant he and Matt would have the run of the house pretty much all night, and for the first time since they started hanging out that seemed important. The thought of actually being alone with Matt did weird things to his stomach that weren't entirely pleasant, but he ignored them as well as he could and did his best to look like it was no big deal.
For a long time Matt just stared at him, but he finally snapped out of it, blushed again, and looked back down at his lunch. "Yeah, sure," he said, his voice so low that T.J. had to lean practically across the table to catch his answer. It wasn't exactly the enthusiastic response he'd been hoping for, but he told himself it was just because they were both still getting used to the fact that there was a 'them' now. It didn't have anything to do with the furtive glances Matt kept stealing, or the way T.J.'s stomach twisted into a brand-new set of knots every time their eyes met.
Neither one of them said much more than that for the rest of lunch, but if anyone else at their table noticed they didn't say anything. When the bell finally rang to signal the end of lunch T.J. was so relieved that he stood up a little faster than he needed to, almost tipping the contents of his half-full milk carton onto the table. He caught it just in time, shaking his head at himself as he carefully picked up his tray and balanced it in one hand. There was no reason for him to act weird just because Matt was; people expected him to keep his cool no matter what, and he wasn't about to stop just because he'd kissed his best friend a couple times.
He was so busy berating himself for making an idiot of himself that he almost forgot Matt was trailing along the hall behind him until he glanced over his shoulder and caught sight of blonde hair. Instantly his stomach did another somersault, and he swallowed hard against the rush of nerves and stopped long enough to let Matt catch up with him. "So I'll see you later," he said, stopping in front of his classroom.
For a second Matt looked confused, but a moment later he realized where they were, and his cheeks turned a little more pink. "Yeah, right. Later," he mumbled. For a second T.J. thought he looked almost disappointed, but before he had a chance to decide whether or not he was imagining it Matt was pushing his way through the crowd, mumbling apologies when he collided with a group of sophomores.
"Your boyfriend gets a little weirder every day, Krupp," a familiar voice said, and T.J. scowled as he watched several of his classmates laugh at Matt's retreating figure.
"Fuck off," he said to the guy who'd made the joke, heading into the classroom and sliding into his seat before the rest of them had a chance to say anything. He hadn't really given much thought to how hanging out with Matt would affect his reputation; he'd never cared about that stuff, even when he was still pushing the freshmen around. He'd always figured all the other guys were too scared of him to say anything about the fact that he was hanging out with a freshman, though, so the joke had taken him off guard.
He knew they didn't really think Matt was his boyfriend; he hoped they didn't, anyway, because if that got out both their lives would probably be a lot more difficult. Nobody was going to be afraid of a school bully that liked guys, even if they'd been afraid of him since grade school. That didn't bother him as much as the thought of what Matt would have to put up with, though, especially because they were in different classes. T.J. couldn't be around to watch his back all the time, and if the other guys weren't afraid of him anymore they'd have no reason to leave Matt alone.
It had been less than twenty-four hours and things were already getting a lot more complicated than he'd anticipated. In fact, until that morning T.J. hadn't really thought about whether or not they were a couple. He'd spent most of the previous night focusing on memorizing every aspect of what it felt like to kiss Matt, and the rest of the time wondering how long it would be before it happened again. He hadn't expected to find Matt alone in the bathroom first thing in the morning, but as soon as he'd seen the other boy he'd acted without even thinking.
That kind of risk was just going to get them both in a lot of trouble. Anybody could have walked in and seen him pushing Matt into the stall, and after all the time they'd spent together nobody would believe T.J. was beating him up. And maybe nobody really believed that Matt was his boyfriend, but the fact that they were joking around about it meant that somewhere in the back of their minds they knew it was a possibility.
He didn't hear a word any of his teachers said for the rest of the day; his mind was occupied with what would happen if anyone figured out what was going on between him and Matt, and every scenario he came up with was a little worse than the last. He was so distracted that he almost walked right past Matt after school, and he only stopped when a hand closed around his arm.
"Hey," Matt said, the same nervousness T.J. had seen earlier lurking behind his eyes. "What's the matter?"
For a second he thought about telling Matt that he couldn't hang out tonight after all. It wouldn't be that hard to make the other boy believe that something had come up at the last minute; he could say he'd forgotten some thing with his parents, or even fake a stomachache. But as soon as their eyes met he knew he couldn't do it - he didn't even want to, because Matt was looking at him like he was expecting T.J. to say something exactly like what he'd just been thinking.
"Nothing," he answered, giving himself a little shake to snap himself out of it. "You ready?"
"Yeah." Matt fell into step next to him, but T.J. could feel the other boy's curious glances every few seconds. He knew he should say something to make Matt feel better, but he had no idea what. He was pretty sure if he tried something completely wrong would come out, so he kept his mouth shut and led the other boy out to his van.
They rode back to his house in silence, T.J. trying to figure out how things had changed so drastically from that morning. When he'd kissed Matt in the bathroom everything had felt different; he couldn't remember a time when he'd been that happy, and when Matt had asked if it meant they were boyfriends he couldn't help laughing because he'd been wondering the exact same thing. It had seemed like a good thing when Matt asked the question, but after a few hours he wasn't so sure anymore.
It felt like forever before they finally got to his house, and part of him hoped that maybe his parents would be home after all. When they got inside the house was just as cold and empty as it always was, though, and he suppressed a shudder as he dropped his keys on the counter and headed for the fridge. "You want something to drink?" he called over his shoulder, glancing at Matt long enough to see that the other boy still looked a little nervous.
"Yeah, sure," Matt answered, taking a few more steps into the kitchen as T.J. pulled a couple Cokes out of the fridge. He handed one to Matt and turned away again to lead the way toward the front of the house.
"Come on upstairs," he said without bothering to look back to make sure Matt was following, "I gotta feed Spot."
When they reached his bedroom he kicked the door open and tossed his jacket on the bed, kicking random piles of clothes out of the way as he crossed the room to stop in front of the giant aquarium that held his boa constrictor. He reached into a smaller tank next to it and pulled out a fat white mouse, holding it up and grinning at it for a second before he dropped it in the tank. "Say goodbye, little guy," he said as Spot began to uncoil lazily from his corner of the tank.
"Do you think he knows?" Matt asked, leaning over to watch the mouse scurry around the tank. "Think he can tell he's a goner?"
T.J. shrugged and put the top back on the tank. "Beats me. His brain's like the size of a pea, right? Probably doesn't know much of anything."
"Yeah, I guess," Matt answered, but he kept his eyes trained on the tank for another long moment, watching as Spot slowly slithered closer to the mouse. Finally he shuddered and straightened up, turning abruptly and nearly colliding with T.J. His whole face immediately turned pink and he took a step backwards, then thought better of it when he remembered the snake right behind him. "Sorry."
While he was focused on Spot, T.J. had been able to forget most of his own nervousness, but as soon as he saw how jumpy Matt was all his own nerves came flooding back to pool in the pit of his stomach. "Don't worry about it," he said, clearing his throat and looking away. This had been so easy just a few hours ago, but now that they were alone with no chance of interruption he couldn't shake the feeling that they were doing something they'd both regret.
He couldn't remember ever being so nervous about anything, but this was the first time he'd ever been in a situation like this. It was the first time he'd ever wanted something so much, and it was definitely the first time he'd had so much to lose. The fact that Matt was over a year younger than him was another thing - if it turned out the other boy was just experimenting or something then T.J. would end up all alone again, and that was a thought he wasn't sure he could stand.
"Hey, T.J.?" Matt's voice was so quiet that for a second T.J. thought he'd imagined it, but when he looked up again he realized the other boy was looking at him expectantly.
"Yeah?" he answered, wincing at the way his voice caught on the single syllable.
"Are you mad at me?" Matt asked, his neck turning that tell-tale shade of pink that let T.J. know he was embarrassed.
And maybe he should have figured out that Matt would take his uncharacteristic silence as a sign that he was mad about something, or worse, that he'd changed his mind and was just trying to think of a way to say it. The problem was finding the right words to tell Matt what was really on his mind; he wasn't sure he could make sense of all of it, let alone say it out loud.
"No," he said, shaking his head as though the motion would erase Matt's worry, "why the fuck would you think that?"
"Well this morning…and then after school…you've just been kind of…" He trailed off and looked down, the tips of his ears turning crimson. T.J. could have kicked himself for spending the whole afternoon getting worked up about something that didn't matter; if he'd known Matt was going to think it was because of something he'd done he would have been more careful.
"I'm not mad." T.J. took a step forward and reached out, pushing a few strands of blond hair behind Matt's ear. As soon as he touched the other boy Matt looked up, and T.J. couldn’t help smiling at the hope that crept into his eyes. He took another step forward, then another until there was barely an inch of space left between them. His free hand landed on Matt's waist as the other boy splayed his fingers across T.J.'s chest, flexing against his shirt as he leaned forward and kissed Matt for the third time that day.
A muffled noise escaped the back of Matt's throat when their lips met, his lips parting against T.J.'s mouth. T.J. responded automatically, his grip on Matt's hip tightening reflexively as he opened his own mouth and tentatively traced Matt's bottom lip with his tongue. That earned him another, sharper noise that sent a shiver down his spine. His other hand left Matt's hair to grip his hip, and before he even realized what he was doing he was backing them toward his bed.
Matt's fingers curled around his shirt, tugging on the fabric as though he was trying to get T.J. even closer. He was pretty sure that wasn't possible, at least not while they were standing up, but he wasn't in any condition to explain that to the other boy. He was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to form coherent sentences at all, especially when one of his hands dipped under Matt's shirt and the other boy let out a muffled groan against his mouth.
It wasn't until his legs hit the back of his bed that he realized what he was doing, but as soon as he did alarm bells started going off in his head. He had a feeling that wherever this was going, it was going way too fast, but he wasn't sure he could stop. Matt didn't seem to want to; in fact he was tugging even more urgently on T.J.'s shirt, trying to get more of something, although T.J. wasn't sure even Matt knew what.
He knew he should make them stop, at least long enough to figure out what exactly they were doing. Instead he let his knees buckle, sitting down hard on the edge of his bed and pulling a dazed and slightly bewildered Matt with him. Somehow they managed not to break the kiss, and before he knew it he had a lapful of freshman and Matt's hands had left his chest to grip his shoulders.
He swallowed a moan and tightened his grip on the other boy even as he tried to tell himself that they needed to stop. There was no way he'd be able to get the words out, though, and explaining why would be even harder. He flexed his fingers against Matt's waist, willing himself to push the other boy away long enough to get his attention.
As he struggled to regain control over his limbs he registered a muffled sound from somewhere in the house, his heart skipping a beat when it sank in what the sound meant. "Shit," he muttered, pulling roughly away from the other boy and practically shoving Matt onto the floor in his hurry to stand up. "Somebody's here."
Matt's expression shifted from wounded confusion to terror almost instantly, his hands flying to his mouth as though T.J.'s parents would be able to tell what they'd been doing just by looking at his face. If T.J. hadn't been so busy panicking about what his parents would have walked in on if they'd been ten minutes later, he might have thought Matt's expression was kind of cute. As it was he just wanted the other boy to get a grip before his dad came upstairs and guessed what they'd been up to by the guilty looks on their faces.
He heard footsteps on the stairs and reached up automatically to straighten his rumpled shirt, smoothing a hand over a set of fresh wrinkles. For some reason he expected his father to appear in the doorway, but when the footsteps stopped in front of his room he found himself staring guiltily at his mother. "There you are, honey. Oh, hi, Matt," Mrs. Krupp said, smiling sweetly at both of them.
"Hey, Mom," T.J. answered, casting a furtive glance at Matt to make sure the other boy didn't look as nervous as he felt. "I thought you had that party tonight."
"We do," she answered, evidently oblivious to the fact that both boys were red-faced and wearing matching guilty expressions. "I forgot my dress, so I came home to change. Did you boys get some dinner? I left something in the fridge…"
"It's alright," T.J. interrupted. "We just stopped by to feed Spot, we're gonna go hang out at Matt's house."
"Oh. Well, that's nice," his mother said, smiling at Matt again. "You boys have a nice time."
With that she disappeared in the direction of her bedroom, leaving Matt and T.J. to shift uncomfortably in the sudden silence. He wasn't exactly sure why he'd said they were going to Matt's house, but suddenly it seemed like a good idea to get out of there. His house was too quiet, and once his mom left again…he turned abruptly to the other boy, clearing his throat and willing the heat in his cheeks to die down. "So…you wanna go hang out at your place?"
"Friday night," Matt answered, a shaky grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. He still looked a little shell-shocked, but T.J. was almost sure he was a little relieved at the suggestion. "Pizza night."
He couldn't help grinning at that; everything else around them might have suddenly turned on end, but dinner at Matt's house was always predictable. "I could go for pizza," he said, returning Matt's grin. He followed the other boy out of the room and down the stairs, retrieving his keys from the kitchen before he led Matt out the back door. And he'd probably spend the whole night lying awake and thinking about what had almost happened in his room, but for now he didn't have to think about it. It was hard to worry about anything when Matt's family was around; even if he wanted to dwell on the changes in his relationship with Matt, it was impossible to brood while Matt's dad was telling those lame jokes of his.
T.J. smiled to himself and stole a quick glance at the other boy, his stomach doing a familiar flip when he caught Matt staring back at him. He still wasn't exactly sure what they were doing, but he knew he didn't want to stop whatever it was. He liked Matt - he liked his family, he liked the way Matt made him laugh, and he liked the fact that Matt understood where he was coming from even when he didn't say it out loud. That was worth losing his reputation as the scariest guy in school; it was worth a lot, and he was willing to risk whatever he had to hang onto it.
... we kiss. And it feels like we have just shrugged off the world.
- Jim Shahin