Dilemmas.

[lornegreen]

This was definately too much to handle at this point. Seeing Landok standing in the lobby filled me with that kinda feeling you get when you know everything in your life is going to fall to pieces. We had just finished getting through the entire ordeal with Cordy, and that was draining on me enough as it is. And now learning that my mother is dying

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[signia]

As Groo had left with Landok to go upstairs, I watched them leave with uncertainty. Behind me, Lorne sat himself down on the stairs with his head in his hands. My mouth twisted into a frown of disdain, and I could literally feel the thickness of the emotion that hung in the air around him

[lornegreen]

Why was this affecting me so much? Could it really be that after all these years of burying my grief down inside behind a facade of an uncaring man, that it really did bother me that I had shamed my family? I didn't know what to think at this point. I hadn't had time to let this sink in, it was just sort of thrown on me.

Nia sat down beside me, and I was grateful for her being there. Grateful that, if she wasn't, I wouldn't know what to do. I leaned over and rested my head on her shoulder, and she enveloped me in a comforting embrace. "I could have been a better son," I said quietly. She held onto me as though I were a small child. It made me feel safe and warm.

"Maybe then she would have accepted me."

[signia]

"Lorne," I said to him, resting my chin ontop of his head, "You can't change who you are for someone else, nor can you waste your life looking back on all the things you have done to get to where you are today. You of all people should know that you can only live for yourself, and be who you want to be. You would have withered and died if you had stayed in Pylea, and your life would have no meaning if you lived to suit your mother. A free spirit should never be held back."

I ran my fingers into his hair and smiled. "Didn't you tell me, that the last time you came back from Pylea, that you knew that going back there was just proof to you that you didn't belong there?" I asked him. "I know that you know that you were destined for bigger and better things, things which you would never have found in Pylea. So don't let Landok's talk about removing shame and guilt from your family get to you. I love you unconditionally, even if they don't."

[lornegreen]

I knew she was right. Of course I did.

I always continue to mull this over in my head, having to justify my coming here over and over again. I was different, and I was the only one in Pylea who could see the forest through the trees. Of course I didn't belong there. So why all this talk of making my mother happy? I guess I didn't know. It only seemed right to have regrets at a time like this.

I heaved a sigh and lifted my head from Nia's shoulder. I looked into her eyes and gav a small smile. "You're right, Pumpkin," I said quietly. Leaning forward, I kissed her gently on the cheek. "Thank you," I whispered in her ear.