i don't like to talk like this because i don't like the idea that i'm validating various fears i've had about myself and my life, or conclusions others had drawn about me and my life ... but i guess if it's how it is, it's how it is ...
... but i'm terrified that i have nothing to offer this world. or maybe that i've already offered it. i feel there are more ways that i've peaked and have long-been declining than there are ways in which i'm still growing. just wish there hadn't been this disparity, hadn't been this uneven evolution ... wish things had been more holistic ... even as i realize that things would certainly have worked out differently -- but, at least in the moment, i can imagine it working out better whereas i can't really imagine it working out worse ...
many things are better than i honestly deserve to be able to enjoy, but i feel like i'm very, very fast running out of time without anything concrete to show for it and that i don't have what it takes to make anything out of what's left ...
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i'm very scared
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... but i'm terrified that i have nothing to offer this world. or maybe that i've already offered it. i feel there are more ways that i've peaked and have long-been declining than there are ways in which i'm still growing. just wish there hadn't been this disparity, hadn't been this uneven evolution ... wish things had been more holistic ... even as i realize that things would certainly have worked out differently -- but, at least in the moment, i can imagine it working out better whereas i can't really imagine it working out worse ...
many things are better than i honestly deserve to be able to enjoy, but i feel like i'm very, very fast running out of time without anything concrete to show for it and that i don't have what it takes to make anything out of what's left ...
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