just off the key of reason, kai/lu han
just off the key of reason
kai/lu han, g, 2,124w
Showtime at seven. Sixteen-hour countdown until the first EXO Concert in Seoul.
just off the key of reason.
It's three in the morning, and the accumulated hours of sleep in their group of twelve in the last seventy-two hours are less than ten. Everyone is quiet as they slurp on their ramyun cup noodles, but there's a tight vibration in the room.
"Sixteen hours countdown," Chanyeol mumbles around his mouthful of noodles, the sound garbled halfway by a yawn. "Why are you not sitting down, Jongin?"
"Gonna fall asleep if I sit down," Jongin shrugs, gulping down the last of the noodles soup standing in the middle of the room. Sleep deprivation is a strange beast. Past the thirty-sixth hour and he's so wired up he could power a stadium, but two minutes of shut-eye and he would crash like freight train.
"Dress rehearsal starts at seven in the morning, final run-through at twelve. You'll have to be done with everything by four, because conference and interviews start at five." Seunghwan-hyung rattles off their schedule as if they haven't had it emblazoned in their heads by now. "And then remember, showtime at seven, sharp."
Showtime at seven. Sixteen-hour countdown until the first EXO Concert in Seoul. It seems surreal, how all of their hard work and anticipation in the last four months are boiling down to its final moments now. Excitement feels like ants crawling up his bones. There's a white buzz in Jongin's head, his mind and body feel like they're strung up by strings. He's floating more than moving now, and he's had to repeatedly apologize in the last ten hours every time Lu Han winces because of Jongin's grip on his shoulder when they practice their joint stage.
"Work on the timing of your solo stages, the whole flow is still off," their choreographer is saying, and Jongin nods, his throat tight. They don't have enough time left, he wants to scream, but the fact is they have never had enough time for anything. Not for their debut showcase, not for their first Music Bank stage, not for the rush between one country and the next, not for the five minutes of wishing their parents Happy New Year during the endless marathon of year-end shows. You just have to go, go, go, and there's no time for the ache in your bones.
They're supposed to take an hour or three of rest now, but it's clear that no one has the thought of sleep on their mind. Kyungsoo is already pulling Baekhyun and Jongdae back to their makeshift studio, Joonmyun is holding on to a giant folder of papers and following manager-hyung out of the door, and Chanyeol is trailing after Kris with a sleepy pout as they make their way back to the Exclusively Rappers basement lair.
It takes Jongin a few beats to locate Lu Han in the room, hidden behind Yixing with his face smashed against his friend's back. He can't quite see Lu Han's face, but he remembers the bruised shadow under Lu Han's eyes in the previous hours. It makes him feel bad about having to do this, but Yixing smiles at him and Jongin nods, reaching out to tap Lu Han on the shoulder. Lu Han jumps at his touch, his head jerking up even if his eyes still can't quite get themselves to open.
"Sorry hyung, can we just go through the first part for a little bit? I'll try to be quick, but we need to-"
"Of course, of course," Lu Han cuts him off, waving his hand with a sleepy smile. "I'll be down with you in the studio in a minute, I've promised Jongdae to stop by for a quick run-through of our duet first." He punches Yixing in the shoulders for not waking him up as promised, and Jongin nods, making his way out.
He's the first one up in their succession of solo stages, followed by Lu Han. In-between, there are sixty seconds when both Kai and Lu Han are onstage together, merging seamlessly from one to the next. He's got two minutes for himself, and one minute with Lu Han. After that, Sehun - Yixing - Minseok - Tao. And then all of them back onstage together for a dance medley. They've worked their timing down to a science over the past four months, the flow almost perfect, except for the connection between Kai and Lu Han.
There's always that split second when they come together, their hands slammed against the other's shoulders, half pushing half holding on, and Jongin's eyes skid away when Lu Han's eyes flicker up. There's that split second when Lu Han's shoulder is warm in his hand, and suddenly the timing is off, and he stumbles backwards.
They don't have enough time for this.
Lu Han comes down to their usual practice room half an hour later. They've all been running themselves ragged, but Lu Han is stretched between the dance team and the vocals, the stages and the pressure doubled for himself. Sometimes Jongin thinks about it, whether he is jealous of the way other people push themselves a little harder than he does. The same way he thought about jealousy when EXO-K didn't win the Newcomers Award and EXO-M won all the awards that mattered in their first year of debut. He'd never say it out loud, but maybe he's a little jealous of the way other people's best is more than his best.
The music starts, and he lets his body flow to the beat, syncing it to Lu Han's steps. They go over it again and again, the palm of Lu Han's hand a comforting pressure against his sharp shoulder every time they pass each other. They don't talk, just letting their bodies do their own adjustment. Then the music shifts tempo, and Jongin breaks away, leaving Lu Han to take centre stage.
They arrive at the venue at six. They've all been here before to work out the formation of their performances, but suddenly everything seems so much bigger and jarring this morning. He catches Lu Han kneeling down to touch the stage with an awestruck look when no one else is looking. His eyes sweep over the endless rows of empty blue seats rising up high all around them, and the beating of his heart gets louder and louder as he imagines the hall filling up that evening. They've stood on huge stages across the world, from Asia to Europe to America and back again, in front of audience of hundreds of thousands, but for the first time, this is a stage of their own. Just them, just EXO, and four hours worth of sleepless nights, twisted ankles, shared noodles cups, laughter, and tears.
It's cold in the early April morning, but he could already see the fanclubs girls going around the venue hanging up their giant banners for all the members. His eyes automatically search out his own banners, and he waves back with a wide smile when the girls wave at him, shouting cheers and encouragement across the concert hall. He recognizes them all, the girls who have been following and supporting them for the last two years. It suddenly strikes him that he's standing on this stage not just for himself, but first and foremost for all of them.
Rehearsal flies by in a blur. Too many new choreographies, not enough sleep. The 92-line people start laughing hysterically at everything much to the bemusement of everyone else during MAMA, tripping over themselves in the long robes. Their debut song seems like eons ago. Kris has to physically pull Chanyeol and Jongdae apart as they keep throwing "balls of fire" and "balls of lightning" at each other. Lu Han is laughing so hard he's practically draping himself over Jongin's arm.
Lu Han's hand is a solid and familiar presence on his shoulder.
Showtime.
Jongin cannot hear the thudding of his heart anymore. There's a buzzing noise in his ears, and he isn't entirely sure if it's just the shouts and cheers of the crowd outside. Kyungsoo's eyes are wide and terrified next to him, his roommate mumbling curses under his breath, but Kyungsoo's grip on his wrist is strong as he pulls Jongin to the group's last cheer before they get on stage. They squeeze next to each other, all twelve of them, hands cold and clammy and warm and reassuring, everyone's eyes bright in the darkness under the stage. There's a vibration in their frames, and the shout "EXO, saranghaja!" is the loudest they've ever done.
MAMA the dance remix opens the concert in a nostalgic throwback to their beginning, fire swirling in the background as they stomp down the stage in floor-length robes (no one trips this time), and it sends chills down all of their spines as the ocean of fans sing along to their beat.
One third of the setlist goes by way too fast, it feels like they're all spinning out of control. Their backstage is a battlefield, all the coordi-noona and managers running around shouting and ripping clothes off them as the stages change. It's hard to stop the shaking in his knees, and Jongin spends the tiny moments thumbing the bracelet around his wrist as someone wipes his dripping face and reapplies his concealer.
"Kai!" Someone shouts, and Jongin jerks back into action. It's time.
Lu Han grips his shoulders just before he goes up for his solo stage. He looks as though he's struggling to say something, before finally settling on shouting "Good luck!" and then he's shoving Kai forward. He nearly trips, getting on the elevator going up to the stage.
His ascension to the stage is too slow and too fast at the same time. The machine stutters to a stop under his feet, his figure still shrouded in darkness.
His breath catches in his throat. This is it. This is what he's been working towards for the last decade, a child growing up just for these two minutes of the lights and the beat of the track. Not exactly for the shows and the stilted interviews and his picture splattered across magazine spreads, but for this stage, for the dance and the music. This is his stage, all for him, hundreds and thousands looking at him, eyes trailing after his every move. The stage is both too big and not big enough, and it makes him both exhilarated and claustrophobic. He knows his parents and all of his sisters are there somewhere in the crowd, and this is the moment they've all been waiting for as well.
This is his stage, but it isn't just for him.
The concert hall dips into a brief second of silence, then the music starts, and the crowd explode. He tugs off an earbud, and lets the beat of his body take over. A sharp swing of the leg, and a fluid arch of his back. He lets his body flow to the music until the chant of his name (Kim Jongin, Kim Jongin) smoothly transitions into Lu Han, Lu Han.
Lu Han is on the other side of the stage with the second spotlight on him, a vision of perfection with a secret smile and make-up covering up the bruised shadows and tired lines of his face. This is their stage, and this time his eyes don't skid away when Lu Han looks up to meet his gaze. For that split second when they let themselves slam against each other, Lu Han's hand strong and reassuring on his shoulder, it doesn't matter anymore that their beat is off.
It feels like a new beginning, even after two years. He can see people laughing and crying all around him - Joonmyun choking on his thank you speech, Tao, Yixing, Baekhyun, the girls in the audience shouting their names through tears. They take their final bow, hands gripping each other's tightly for a long minute, soaking in the roar of the cheers all around them.
They are running around to say their final goodbye, and this time Jongin doesn't hesitate as he pulls Lu Han into a hug when he approaches, laughter loud and happy as he buries his nose into the side of Lu Han's face, fingers curled firmly around the back of Lu Han's neck. He's breathing in sweat, soap, and the familiar musk of their late night practices. The roar of the crowd seems louder around them, but everything feels muffled behind a glass wall as Lu Han's hair tickles his lips. He pulls away the moment Lu Han gingerly places a hand on his waist, running off to chase after Sehun and ignoring the look of bemusement on Lu Han's face.
They don't have enough time for this, but they've got the little seconds when the beat is off.