Definitions of Destiny: Chapter 11
Title: Definitions of Destiny
Author: Caryn B
Fandom: Star Wars (film canon only - see notes)
Timeline: 6 months after RotJ
Pairing: Luke/Han, slash
Rating: NC-17 overall; this chapter PG-13
Warnings: None
The list of chapters is here
Chapter 11
"I guess we're finished here," Han said, as Chewbacca began to pack up the recording equipment. They'd taken measurements of the hangars, detailed holocam footage, and made a list of the more obvious and urgent repairs needed to the old bays. They'd also done a thorough reconnaissance of the outlying land and all possible access routes in.
The bays were part of the old Roqqini base, but the Imperials had used them as storage depots for out-of-action ships and machinery. It'd been a dumping ground. Either money for repairs hadn't been easy to come by, or the Empire had simply replaced worn-out craft with new ones, because they'd left the ships to fall apart as they stood. It meant the Alliance had a hefty clearance job to do before they could start on any structural renovation.
"This place is so overgrown, you could hide anything in here and the Imps wouldn't think to look," Han noted.
He was referring to the dense, overhanging trees that all but obscured the depots from the air. The coverage would make access trickier, but it was worth it to keep the security.
Chewbacca grunted a reply that stopped Han in mid stride. Slowly, he turned back to stare at the Wookiee.
"What are you talkin' about? I'm not hiding anything away!"
A few further growls did little to reduce Han's confusion. "Are you tryin' to make some kinda point? If so, you could try makin' sense instead," he retorted.
Chewbacca shrugged, remarking casually that it was always better to be open about everything, even if it seemed difficult at the time.
"Oh, really. Well try this for openness - if I'd wanted your advice, I'd have asked for it."
Chewbacca, clearly unperturbed by Han's irritation, pointed out that it would've made no difference whether Han had asked for advice or not, because either way he wouldn't have listened.
Han glared at him. "And I suppose you know everything there is to know about everything. So how about lettin' me in on the secret of your all-seeing wisdom, 'cause damned if I know what I'm doing."
Chewbacca continued to collect their scattered tools, calmly checked the recordings they'd made, and ended with a final sweep across the area with the holocam. All the while he interspersed his activities with suspiciously cryptic remarks that made Han's temper rise a little further. More so, because the Wookiee was, as usual, homing in on Han's most carefully guarded thoughts. Clearly, he hadn't done a very good job of guarding them - he never did where Chewie was concerned.
"There's such a thing as tact, and not hurting other people's feelings y'know," he snapped. "In any case, I'm not afraid. That's not the reason."
Han stormed across to the corroding body of an old TIE interceptor and leaned his hands against it, the guttural noises of Chewie's response echoing in his ears - that he was afraid to make it real in case it pushed Luke away. And that he wouldn't admit to that because he was telling himself he was protecting Leia...
"You've just proved you're even crazier than I thought," he muttered, making the token rejoinder. He took a deep breath, then turned back to face Chewbacca.
"Okay, I'll admit it if it'll make you happy. And I know secrecy's more likely to drive him away in the end 'cause he'll end up thinkin' he's going behind Leia's back. But it's not just Leia is it? It's all the goddamn Jedi stuff! It's doing his head in. He thinks he's gotta live up to what Yoda expected of him, whatever the hell that was."
Chewbacca gave something resembling a dry, throaty laugh and chortled a reply that made Han roll his eyes with derision.
"So now you know all about the Jedi too."
Chewbacca slung the heavy equipment case over one shoulder and sauntered out of the hangar, throwing a final observation at Han before disappearing from sight.
Han stood there frowning, considering his friend's last words - that the Jedi, with all their old rules and codes of conduct, had failed. But Luke, with a different outlook altogether, had succeeded.
***
Leia had converted all her distress and confusion into pure energy, and her lightsaber struck Luke's with a power he'd not encountered from her before. Far from throwing her concentration, the troubles with Han had given her something to lash out at, and Luke could sense the simmering anger growing inside her.
It was beginning to take control of her actions, throwing them into a harsher, brighter perspective that was uncomfortably familiar to Luke. Alongside the anger, Luke could discern within her a feeling of heady excitement that increased with each lunge of her weapon. Luke matched her stroke for stroke, but Leia clearly wanted more, forcing their practice to go beyond dangerous into something more ominous. Something threatening.
Yet despite her elation over her increased power, Leia hadn't entirely lost her connection to Luke. He could still feel it, and allowed her tentative probe into his mind. She was curious, as if she'd sensed Luke holding back. For an instant, puzzlement broke through the determination to push herself as far as possible, and Luke felt her reach out further for an explanation. Her sudden realization touched Luke, like a shot of ice into his blood.
Instantly, she stepped back, shutting off her saber. For a few seconds they stood, catching their breath, hair dripping with sweat and faces flushed.
"Leia-"
"Oh gods - now I understand it," Leia whispered. Under the glow of heat, her skin had turned pale with shock.
Luke moved up to her, touched a hand to her arm. "And you stopped as soon as you did."
"Why didn't you stop me? Why didn't you warn me?"
"Because you needed to see it for yourself. That understanding has to come from inside. It has to be your choice."
"This... this is what happened to you? When you fought Vader?"
Luke nodded. "It was like some huge surge of power. All that anger and hatred. I wanted to kill him. For a few seconds when I stood over him, it felt like some great victory."
Leia reached up and brushed her fingers across his cheek. "And the real victory was not killing him."
"Yes."
Leia stared at him for a few moments. She looked shaken and lost. "It's all so hard," she said at last.
"I know. But it's part of coming to terms with everything."
"How though?" Leia challenged, a rising note of panic in her voice.
Studying her face, Luke could envisage the turmoil inside, and the fear that things might so easily spin out of control. She'd had but a glimmer of insight into the distortions the Force could allow, but it had clearly horrified her.
"By accepting ourselves. And trusting ourselves."
"Have you done that though?" she asked.
"I don't know," Luke admitted.
"This... this came from something trivial. Compared to what Vader and the Emperor did to you-"
"It's not trivial. But it doesn't matter where the anger comes from. It matters how you deal with it. And you did deal with it."
"I'm not so sure." She shivered suddenly. "Can we light the fire and get some wine? I can't face going back down to the base yet."
Luke collected armfuls of twigs and fallen branches, and threw them onto the burnt circle that marked the remains of former fires. He touched his ignited lightsaber to the pile and waited for the flames to take hold. For a moment he was back in the forests of the Sanctuary Moon, where he'd watched his father's armor burn, and where he'd begun to realize that his own, personal battles were far from over.
They sat without talking for a while, sipping the wine and lost in thought. Luke experienced, yet again, the mixed feelings brought on by the post-battle party on Endor. Far from fading into the past, events there seemed to be gaining in significance, proving yet again how much of an emotional turning point it'd been.
"I've been talking to Mon Mothma," he said, breaking the silence eventually.
Leia turned to look at him. "About the past," she stated.
"She's thought a lot about things that went on since we told her about Vader."
"I spoke to her too, yesterday evening. I told her about Han."
"Oh?" Luke said, surprised. "You know that... well, word's got around?"
Leia gave a dry laugh. "I expect most of the base knows by now. It doesn't bother me. They were bound to find out sooner or later. Right now, I feel like I've got something much worse to worry about."
"I promise you, things will be okay. We just have to stay focused on who we are. There has to be something inside to crave that kind of power. It's not something either of us wants."
"But what does that really mean for us? That we shut down any emotions that are too strong? Not let anyone touch us so it can't hurt? Is that the answer?"
"I don't think so, but I don't have a better answer either. Other than we just keep doing what we're doing."
Leia nodded slowly. "But for you, that means constant vigilance over your feelings doesn't it?" She moved closer to Luke. "But don't you think the fear of showing those feelings might be worse than the power the feelings might have over you?"
Luke smiled at her. "Now you're starting to sound like me. But I think you're right. It's just that I can't forget the way the Emperor and Vader used my feelings against me. Vader got right inside my head to find out about you. It made me want to back off from everyone."
Luke watched the flames reach out to catch an outlying twig. It smoldered for a second or two, before the fire engulfed it fully. "I don't think I do that so much now," he continued, "but I still feel torn in two by it all. Some days I tell myself it was just another one of their games. To make me afraid to show any emotion at all. And if I follow that through, the Emperor will have won in a way, even though he's dead. Then other days I hear Yoda's words, and try to see how anything I do can match up to what he said I needed to become."
And last night? Where did that fall between the two extremes? It should've been impossible to sit right next to Leia, with the memory of Han's touch still vivid, and his back covered in bruises from the jagged stones of the wall, without feeling the remorse he ought to feel. He'd been guilty of too many things last night. Like allowing instinct to take over from reason, and being a partner in what amounted to a disregard for Leia. And he'd willfully abandoned, if only for a few moments, any pretence at self-control he might've thought he had. And none of that even began to broach the issue of what was right and wrong for a Jedi. Yet despite all those concerns, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't make it feel wrong inside.
Leia's words broke into his thoughts. "You can't force yourself to be someone you're not," she said. "Besides, I've got issues with the way Ben and Yoda treated you. They knew what they wanted you to do, but kept most of it a secret from you. Then in the end they refused to help you, apart from a constant barrage of so-called advice."
"They knew how bad things were going to get. It was their way of preparing me for it. They were warning me, but I still had no idea!"
"How could you, when they kept so much from you?" Leia protested. "In any case, look what you managed to do without their help."
"Maybe it was better that way. It's like I said before, I think you have to recognize what's inside you and deal with it by yourself. No-one else can tell you what's really there - no matter how much they try to make you believe they can."
Leia rested her head against Luke's shoulder. "I'm glad I've got you. I'd like to spend more time together like this."
"D'you wish everything was out in the open? That you didn't have to hide so much away?"
"I get frustrated with it. Not being able to tell people you're my brother is the hardest part. But even though it'd be nice not to feel I have to sneak away to train, I quite like keeping that secret. Gives me something to hold onto when things get really crazy."
She gave a long, quiet sigh. "People knowing about Vader is different though. And now I feel even more confused about it because for the first time, I'm really starting to wonder just what drove him to it."
"I don't think we'll ever really know. Not unless he comes back."
"But he won't, will he? It would've happened by now. They've all left you. It might've been nice to get some answers, but I guess they didn't think of that after you'd done what they wanted."
"Well I didn't do what they wanted. Not really. Ben wanted me to kill Vader."
"And Yoda?"
Luke laughed softly. "A lot of what he said was pretty ambiguous. He told me I had to confront Vader, but that covers a lot of things. As for that business in the cave..."
Leia snuggled up closely, squeezing Luke's arm. "We could talk for hours about this, and I'm not sure we'd get any further with it. But really you want to tell me about your meeting with Mon Mothma. Don't you?"
"D'you wanna know?"
"Yes... and no," Leia confessed.
And so, treading carefully, Luke told Leia everything Mon Mothma had said earlier on. When he'd finished, Leia was silent for a long time, and Luke said nothing, waiting.
Eventually, Leia stirred, raising her head from Luke's shoulder, searching out her wine goblet. Retrieving it and the flask, she refilled both their goblets slowly.
"I've not been fair to you," she said.
Luke shook his head, confused. "What d'you mean?"
"Because I've had a... memory. And I've refused to share it with you."
"I know it's painful for you. I don't think you're being unfair."
"But at least I have that. You've got nothing, unless I share what I have."
"I don't see it that way. I was always curious about my mother, but I had Aunt Beru. In everything that mattered she was my mother - just like Bail Organa was your father."
"I know, but it's not that simple is it? I don't want to keep it from you, but it just... frightens me. It feels like one more piece of my life will disappear. It's not as though I have any proper memories. Just images and feelings. I don't know where they came from or how they got there - or if they're even real. Well, they can't be real can they?"
"But you're like me. We've always had all these strange dreams," Luke said, turning to face her. "When we were children we didn't know how to distinguish visions from imagination, but so many of the things we saw were real. We both still see things that don't make sense, but we can't dismiss them as meaningless."
They'd discussed this many times in the past few months - how the strangeness of their childhood selves had sometimes caused others to look on them with suspicion and uncertainty. With very different upbringings, they'd expected to find very little in common from those early years. But they'd slowly uncovered this shared, and at times troubled, recognition they'd had as children that there was something different about them. Luke recalled how it'd felt, at times, like there'd been a second person inside, struggling to get out.
"You saw images of someone, and nobody told you they were of your mother, but you just knew," Luke continued. "Just like you knew I was your brother. And it makes more sense for you to focus on an image of your mother because you never grew up with someone who filled that role."
Breha Organa had died very early on in Leia's life, leaving Bail to bring Leia up alone. Luke understood that Leia's memories of her adoptive mother were equally precious to her, but they occupied a separate part of her mind.
"But that's even more reason why it might be a fantasy," Leia replied.
"If your instincts say it's real, then it's real," Luke insisted.
Leia stared back at Luke for a long moment before she turned away and gazed into the fire. Her hair had fallen forward, shielding her face. She spoke softly, and Luke had to strain to hear her words.
"Grief. That's the feeling that runs through my so-called memory. I can't tell you about happiness, or laughter, or joy. I can't tell you I remember my mother touching me, or holding me, or even being with me. All I see is a face. Probably one I imagined."
Luke stayed silent, giving Leia the time and space she needed to broach this last, most difficult, subject between them.
"She was beautiful - but then what else would a young child imagine? And dark, like me, of course. If I'd known about you, maybe I'd have seen a different image." Her voice held a touch of bitterness, paving the way for the disillusionment she was clearly steeling herself to expect.
Leia turned suddenly, pushing her hair back and facing Luke. "All these years, I've told myself that the sadness I saw was on account of me. That the grief was because she was dying, and wouldn't be with me anymore." Leia gave a small laugh. "In my dreams, I turned myself into the focus of her life. And anyway, what was the alternative? Imagining her life to have been full of suffering and despair? Like it must've been."
"It wouldn't always have been like that. There must've been love," Luke pointed out.
"Must there? How do we know?"
Luke frowned. "We don't, for certain. I just believe there was. What other reason would there be for a Jedi to turn his back on the rules that probably forbade that sort of relationship?"
"I could think of plenty - none of them pretty."
Luke shook his head. "From what Mon Mothma said, Anakin was still a Jedi in the months before we were born. He didn't become Vader until around the time of our birth."
"I'd like to believe there was love. But it's so difficult to imagine that with Vader."
"He wasn't always Vader."
"No," Leia sighed. "And of course, he loved you at the end didn't he?"
Luke took hold of her hand. "His last words were about you. Don't forget that."
There was a small silence before Leia squeezed Luke's hand. "Open your mind to me," she said.
Keeping hold of Leia's hand, Luke closed his eyes, letting the Force within him unlock the pathways into his mind, feeling the slow build-up of warmth that came from his connection to Leia. He could perceive the intensity within Leia, feel it in the increased pressure on his fingers.
Suddenly it hit him. Leia had called it grief, but it was something much stronger than that. It was an overriding despair that wrenched at his heart and touched his nerve-endings with pain. The sadness was pervasive, but behind it was something even darker. Something indefinable. And there was death, its presence approaching like a spreading shadow, but far from being frightening it felt almost benign. Strangely unthreatening.
As Luke attempted to interpret everything he was sensing, an image drifted hazily into his mind. The edges of it were indistinct, and it had an odd, off-focus distortion, like an object seen through a fogged lens. A woman's face, mirroring the pain and grief he discerned so strongly, long dark hair brushed back from a face that should have been beautiful but was clouded by too-strong emotion. He concentrated on the image, struggling to gain some trace of recognition or intimation of belonging. But there was nothing. Only... maybe something - an odd flicker of familiarity that Luke couldn't identify. But the vision was fading as Leia struggled to maintain the projection of the memory she'd guarded for so long.
The connection faltered, and Luke drew back slowly, opening his eyes to find Leia staring at him.
"Thank you," he said.
"It could be nothing." Leia looked exhausted, the emotional and physical drain of her intensive use of the Force sapping her energy in ways that Luke understood.
"I don't think so. No child would invent that kind of memory."
"You believe in it? Did it mean anything to you?"
"I believe it's real. For a moment, I thought there was something familiar there, but I'm not sure."
Leia shrugged, disappointment flashing through her eyes. "Then we're no further along. It could be something from the distant past, or even something from the future."
"I trust your instincts, and they're telling you it's not just a random vision."
Leia smiled slowly. "Then let's speak to Senator Danu."
chapter 12
Author: Caryn B
Fandom: Star Wars (film canon only - see notes)
Timeline: 6 months after RotJ
Pairing: Luke/Han, slash
Rating: NC-17 overall; this chapter PG-13
Warnings: None
The list of chapters is here
Chapter 11
"I guess we're finished here," Han said, as Chewbacca began to pack up the recording equipment. They'd taken measurements of the hangars, detailed holocam footage, and made a list of the more obvious and urgent repairs needed to the old bays. They'd also done a thorough reconnaissance of the outlying land and all possible access routes in.
The bays were part of the old Roqqini base, but the Imperials had used them as storage depots for out-of-action ships and machinery. It'd been a dumping ground. Either money for repairs hadn't been easy to come by, or the Empire had simply replaced worn-out craft with new ones, because they'd left the ships to fall apart as they stood. It meant the Alliance had a hefty clearance job to do before they could start on any structural renovation.
"This place is so overgrown, you could hide anything in here and the Imps wouldn't think to look," Han noted.
He was referring to the dense, overhanging trees that all but obscured the depots from the air. The coverage would make access trickier, but it was worth it to keep the security.
Chewbacca grunted a reply that stopped Han in mid stride. Slowly, he turned back to stare at the Wookiee.
"What are you talkin' about? I'm not hiding anything away!"
A few further growls did little to reduce Han's confusion. "Are you tryin' to make some kinda point? If so, you could try makin' sense instead," he retorted.
Chewbacca shrugged, remarking casually that it was always better to be open about everything, even if it seemed difficult at the time.
"Oh, really. Well try this for openness - if I'd wanted your advice, I'd have asked for it."
Chewbacca, clearly unperturbed by Han's irritation, pointed out that it would've made no difference whether Han had asked for advice or not, because either way he wouldn't have listened.
Han glared at him. "And I suppose you know everything there is to know about everything. So how about lettin' me in on the secret of your all-seeing wisdom, 'cause damned if I know what I'm doing."
Chewbacca continued to collect their scattered tools, calmly checked the recordings they'd made, and ended with a final sweep across the area with the holocam. All the while he interspersed his activities with suspiciously cryptic remarks that made Han's temper rise a little further. More so, because the Wookiee was, as usual, homing in on Han's most carefully guarded thoughts. Clearly, he hadn't done a very good job of guarding them - he never did where Chewie was concerned.
"There's such a thing as tact, and not hurting other people's feelings y'know," he snapped. "In any case, I'm not afraid. That's not the reason."
Han stormed across to the corroding body of an old TIE interceptor and leaned his hands against it, the guttural noises of Chewie's response echoing in his ears - that he was afraid to make it real in case it pushed Luke away. And that he wouldn't admit to that because he was telling himself he was protecting Leia...
"You've just proved you're even crazier than I thought," he muttered, making the token rejoinder. He took a deep breath, then turned back to face Chewbacca.
"Okay, I'll admit it if it'll make you happy. And I know secrecy's more likely to drive him away in the end 'cause he'll end up thinkin' he's going behind Leia's back. But it's not just Leia is it? It's all the goddamn Jedi stuff! It's doing his head in. He thinks he's gotta live up to what Yoda expected of him, whatever the hell that was."
Chewbacca gave something resembling a dry, throaty laugh and chortled a reply that made Han roll his eyes with derision.
"So now you know all about the Jedi too."
Chewbacca slung the heavy equipment case over one shoulder and sauntered out of the hangar, throwing a final observation at Han before disappearing from sight.
Han stood there frowning, considering his friend's last words - that the Jedi, with all their old rules and codes of conduct, had failed. But Luke, with a different outlook altogether, had succeeded.
***
Leia had converted all her distress and confusion into pure energy, and her lightsaber struck Luke's with a power he'd not encountered from her before. Far from throwing her concentration, the troubles with Han had given her something to lash out at, and Luke could sense the simmering anger growing inside her.
It was beginning to take control of her actions, throwing them into a harsher, brighter perspective that was uncomfortably familiar to Luke. Alongside the anger, Luke could discern within her a feeling of heady excitement that increased with each lunge of her weapon. Luke matched her stroke for stroke, but Leia clearly wanted more, forcing their practice to go beyond dangerous into something more ominous. Something threatening.
Yet despite her elation over her increased power, Leia hadn't entirely lost her connection to Luke. He could still feel it, and allowed her tentative probe into his mind. She was curious, as if she'd sensed Luke holding back. For an instant, puzzlement broke through the determination to push herself as far as possible, and Luke felt her reach out further for an explanation. Her sudden realization touched Luke, like a shot of ice into his blood.
Instantly, she stepped back, shutting off her saber. For a few seconds they stood, catching their breath, hair dripping with sweat and faces flushed.
"Leia-"
"Oh gods - now I understand it," Leia whispered. Under the glow of heat, her skin had turned pale with shock.
Luke moved up to her, touched a hand to her arm. "And you stopped as soon as you did."
"Why didn't you stop me? Why didn't you warn me?"
"Because you needed to see it for yourself. That understanding has to come from inside. It has to be your choice."
"This... this is what happened to you? When you fought Vader?"
Luke nodded. "It was like some huge surge of power. All that anger and hatred. I wanted to kill him. For a few seconds when I stood over him, it felt like some great victory."
Leia reached up and brushed her fingers across his cheek. "And the real victory was not killing him."
"Yes."
Leia stared at him for a few moments. She looked shaken and lost. "It's all so hard," she said at last.
"I know. But it's part of coming to terms with everything."
"How though?" Leia challenged, a rising note of panic in her voice.
Studying her face, Luke could envisage the turmoil inside, and the fear that things might so easily spin out of control. She'd had but a glimmer of insight into the distortions the Force could allow, but it had clearly horrified her.
"By accepting ourselves. And trusting ourselves."
"Have you done that though?" she asked.
"I don't know," Luke admitted.
"This... this came from something trivial. Compared to what Vader and the Emperor did to you-"
"It's not trivial. But it doesn't matter where the anger comes from. It matters how you deal with it. And you did deal with it."
"I'm not so sure." She shivered suddenly. "Can we light the fire and get some wine? I can't face going back down to the base yet."
Luke collected armfuls of twigs and fallen branches, and threw them onto the burnt circle that marked the remains of former fires. He touched his ignited lightsaber to the pile and waited for the flames to take hold. For a moment he was back in the forests of the Sanctuary Moon, where he'd watched his father's armor burn, and where he'd begun to realize that his own, personal battles were far from over.
They sat without talking for a while, sipping the wine and lost in thought. Luke experienced, yet again, the mixed feelings brought on by the post-battle party on Endor. Far from fading into the past, events there seemed to be gaining in significance, proving yet again how much of an emotional turning point it'd been.
"I've been talking to Mon Mothma," he said, breaking the silence eventually.
Leia turned to look at him. "About the past," she stated.
"She's thought a lot about things that went on since we told her about Vader."
"I spoke to her too, yesterday evening. I told her about Han."
"Oh?" Luke said, surprised. "You know that... well, word's got around?"
Leia gave a dry laugh. "I expect most of the base knows by now. It doesn't bother me. They were bound to find out sooner or later. Right now, I feel like I've got something much worse to worry about."
"I promise you, things will be okay. We just have to stay focused on who we are. There has to be something inside to crave that kind of power. It's not something either of us wants."
"But what does that really mean for us? That we shut down any emotions that are too strong? Not let anyone touch us so it can't hurt? Is that the answer?"
"I don't think so, but I don't have a better answer either. Other than we just keep doing what we're doing."
Leia nodded slowly. "But for you, that means constant vigilance over your feelings doesn't it?" She moved closer to Luke. "But don't you think the fear of showing those feelings might be worse than the power the feelings might have over you?"
Luke smiled at her. "Now you're starting to sound like me. But I think you're right. It's just that I can't forget the way the Emperor and Vader used my feelings against me. Vader got right inside my head to find out about you. It made me want to back off from everyone."
Luke watched the flames reach out to catch an outlying twig. It smoldered for a second or two, before the fire engulfed it fully. "I don't think I do that so much now," he continued, "but I still feel torn in two by it all. Some days I tell myself it was just another one of their games. To make me afraid to show any emotion at all. And if I follow that through, the Emperor will have won in a way, even though he's dead. Then other days I hear Yoda's words, and try to see how anything I do can match up to what he said I needed to become."
And last night? Where did that fall between the two extremes? It should've been impossible to sit right next to Leia, with the memory of Han's touch still vivid, and his back covered in bruises from the jagged stones of the wall, without feeling the remorse he ought to feel. He'd been guilty of too many things last night. Like allowing instinct to take over from reason, and being a partner in what amounted to a disregard for Leia. And he'd willfully abandoned, if only for a few moments, any pretence at self-control he might've thought he had. And none of that even began to broach the issue of what was right and wrong for a Jedi. Yet despite all those concerns, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't make it feel wrong inside.
Leia's words broke into his thoughts. "You can't force yourself to be someone you're not," she said. "Besides, I've got issues with the way Ben and Yoda treated you. They knew what they wanted you to do, but kept most of it a secret from you. Then in the end they refused to help you, apart from a constant barrage of so-called advice."
"They knew how bad things were going to get. It was their way of preparing me for it. They were warning me, but I still had no idea!"
"How could you, when they kept so much from you?" Leia protested. "In any case, look what you managed to do without their help."
"Maybe it was better that way. It's like I said before, I think you have to recognize what's inside you and deal with it by yourself. No-one else can tell you what's really there - no matter how much they try to make you believe they can."
Leia rested her head against Luke's shoulder. "I'm glad I've got you. I'd like to spend more time together like this."
"D'you wish everything was out in the open? That you didn't have to hide so much away?"
"I get frustrated with it. Not being able to tell people you're my brother is the hardest part. But even though it'd be nice not to feel I have to sneak away to train, I quite like keeping that secret. Gives me something to hold onto when things get really crazy."
She gave a long, quiet sigh. "People knowing about Vader is different though. And now I feel even more confused about it because for the first time, I'm really starting to wonder just what drove him to it."
"I don't think we'll ever really know. Not unless he comes back."
"But he won't, will he? It would've happened by now. They've all left you. It might've been nice to get some answers, but I guess they didn't think of that after you'd done what they wanted."
"Well I didn't do what they wanted. Not really. Ben wanted me to kill Vader."
"And Yoda?"
Luke laughed softly. "A lot of what he said was pretty ambiguous. He told me I had to confront Vader, but that covers a lot of things. As for that business in the cave..."
Leia snuggled up closely, squeezing Luke's arm. "We could talk for hours about this, and I'm not sure we'd get any further with it. But really you want to tell me about your meeting with Mon Mothma. Don't you?"
"D'you wanna know?"
"Yes... and no," Leia confessed.
And so, treading carefully, Luke told Leia everything Mon Mothma had said earlier on. When he'd finished, Leia was silent for a long time, and Luke said nothing, waiting.
Eventually, Leia stirred, raising her head from Luke's shoulder, searching out her wine goblet. Retrieving it and the flask, she refilled both their goblets slowly.
"I've not been fair to you," she said.
Luke shook his head, confused. "What d'you mean?"
"Because I've had a... memory. And I've refused to share it with you."
"I know it's painful for you. I don't think you're being unfair."
"But at least I have that. You've got nothing, unless I share what I have."
"I don't see it that way. I was always curious about my mother, but I had Aunt Beru. In everything that mattered she was my mother - just like Bail Organa was your father."
"I know, but it's not that simple is it? I don't want to keep it from you, but it just... frightens me. It feels like one more piece of my life will disappear. It's not as though I have any proper memories. Just images and feelings. I don't know where they came from or how they got there - or if they're even real. Well, they can't be real can they?"
"But you're like me. We've always had all these strange dreams," Luke said, turning to face her. "When we were children we didn't know how to distinguish visions from imagination, but so many of the things we saw were real. We both still see things that don't make sense, but we can't dismiss them as meaningless."
They'd discussed this many times in the past few months - how the strangeness of their childhood selves had sometimes caused others to look on them with suspicion and uncertainty. With very different upbringings, they'd expected to find very little in common from those early years. But they'd slowly uncovered this shared, and at times troubled, recognition they'd had as children that there was something different about them. Luke recalled how it'd felt, at times, like there'd been a second person inside, struggling to get out.
"You saw images of someone, and nobody told you they were of your mother, but you just knew," Luke continued. "Just like you knew I was your brother. And it makes more sense for you to focus on an image of your mother because you never grew up with someone who filled that role."
Breha Organa had died very early on in Leia's life, leaving Bail to bring Leia up alone. Luke understood that Leia's memories of her adoptive mother were equally precious to her, but they occupied a separate part of her mind.
"But that's even more reason why it might be a fantasy," Leia replied.
"If your instincts say it's real, then it's real," Luke insisted.
Leia stared back at Luke for a long moment before she turned away and gazed into the fire. Her hair had fallen forward, shielding her face. She spoke softly, and Luke had to strain to hear her words.
"Grief. That's the feeling that runs through my so-called memory. I can't tell you about happiness, or laughter, or joy. I can't tell you I remember my mother touching me, or holding me, or even being with me. All I see is a face. Probably one I imagined."
Luke stayed silent, giving Leia the time and space she needed to broach this last, most difficult, subject between them.
"She was beautiful - but then what else would a young child imagine? And dark, like me, of course. If I'd known about you, maybe I'd have seen a different image." Her voice held a touch of bitterness, paving the way for the disillusionment she was clearly steeling herself to expect.
Leia turned suddenly, pushing her hair back and facing Luke. "All these years, I've told myself that the sadness I saw was on account of me. That the grief was because she was dying, and wouldn't be with me anymore." Leia gave a small laugh. "In my dreams, I turned myself into the focus of her life. And anyway, what was the alternative? Imagining her life to have been full of suffering and despair? Like it must've been."
"It wouldn't always have been like that. There must've been love," Luke pointed out.
"Must there? How do we know?"
Luke frowned. "We don't, for certain. I just believe there was. What other reason would there be for a Jedi to turn his back on the rules that probably forbade that sort of relationship?"
"I could think of plenty - none of them pretty."
Luke shook his head. "From what Mon Mothma said, Anakin was still a Jedi in the months before we were born. He didn't become Vader until around the time of our birth."
"I'd like to believe there was love. But it's so difficult to imagine that with Vader."
"He wasn't always Vader."
"No," Leia sighed. "And of course, he loved you at the end didn't he?"
Luke took hold of her hand. "His last words were about you. Don't forget that."
There was a small silence before Leia squeezed Luke's hand. "Open your mind to me," she said.
Keeping hold of Leia's hand, Luke closed his eyes, letting the Force within him unlock the pathways into his mind, feeling the slow build-up of warmth that came from his connection to Leia. He could perceive the intensity within Leia, feel it in the increased pressure on his fingers.
Suddenly it hit him. Leia had called it grief, but it was something much stronger than that. It was an overriding despair that wrenched at his heart and touched his nerve-endings with pain. The sadness was pervasive, but behind it was something even darker. Something indefinable. And there was death, its presence approaching like a spreading shadow, but far from being frightening it felt almost benign. Strangely unthreatening.
As Luke attempted to interpret everything he was sensing, an image drifted hazily into his mind. The edges of it were indistinct, and it had an odd, off-focus distortion, like an object seen through a fogged lens. A woman's face, mirroring the pain and grief he discerned so strongly, long dark hair brushed back from a face that should have been beautiful but was clouded by too-strong emotion. He concentrated on the image, struggling to gain some trace of recognition or intimation of belonging. But there was nothing. Only... maybe something - an odd flicker of familiarity that Luke couldn't identify. But the vision was fading as Leia struggled to maintain the projection of the memory she'd guarded for so long.
The connection faltered, and Luke drew back slowly, opening his eyes to find Leia staring at him.
"Thank you," he said.
"It could be nothing." Leia looked exhausted, the emotional and physical drain of her intensive use of the Force sapping her energy in ways that Luke understood.
"I don't think so. No child would invent that kind of memory."
"You believe in it? Did it mean anything to you?"
"I believe it's real. For a moment, I thought there was something familiar there, but I'm not sure."
Leia shrugged, disappointment flashing through her eyes. "Then we're no further along. It could be something from the distant past, or even something from the future."
"I trust your instincts, and they're telling you it's not just a random vision."
Leia smiled slowly. "Then let's speak to Senator Danu."
chapter 12