Definitions of Destiny: Chapter 6
TTitle: Definitions of Destiny
Author: Caryn B
Fandom: Star Wars (film canon only - see notes)
Timeline: 6 months after RotJ
Pairing: Luke/Han, slash
Rating: NC-17 overall; this chapter PG-13
Warnings: None
The list of chapters is here
Chapter 6
Leia hit the unpredictable door control in her new room for the second time, waiting until it finally slid open to let Luke in.
"How did you know where to find me?"
"They told me in Allocations," Luke explained.
"You've seen Han then?"
"Yeah - this afternoon." Luke moved across and put his arms around Leia. She hugged him back tightly. They stood without speaking for a few moments longer.
"Are you okay? I know it's a stupid question."
Leia pulled out of the hug a little so she could see Luke's face. "It's not a stupid question. I'm fine - or at least I will be. It's going to take a bit of adjustment. It's funny how you forget what it's like being alone again. Daft when you think I never had time to have a relationship before. I should be used to it."
Luke gave a small grimace. "It's not something I know a lot about. I guess it hurts though."
"Yes, it does," Leia admitted. She hugged Luke again before moving apart from him. "But I'm not stupid enough to think we could've carried on. I've known for a long time."
"What - that things weren't right?" Luke sounded slightly startled, and Leia looked at him quizzically.
"What did Han tell you?"
Luke's hesitation was longer than it should have been, and Leia sighed inwardly, knowing that Luke would already be thinking of ways to work the situation out in a manner that would totally exclude any possible happiness for himself.
"He said you'd split up and things couldn't be sorted out. He kept apologizing. Said it was all his fault." He gave a half-hearted smile. "You know Han."
"He's told you, hasn't he?"
"What, exactly...?"
"I mean, he's told you the truth. All of it."
"He said there was someone else," Luke said carefully.
Leia moved back up to Luke and put her hand on his arm. "Don't keep it from me because you're worried about hurting me. Right at this exact moment, I'm more worried about you. He told you how he felt didn't he?"
"He... not really. I don't think he means anything by it. He's confused and upset, and he's not sure what he wants. I just happened to be there, I guess."
"You just happened to be there?" Leia repeated, exasperated. "What, you mean if he'd just happened to bump into Admiral Ackbar or General Madine instead he'd have declared his undying love for them?"
They stared at each other for a moment, thrown by the image Leia had conjured up. Leia couldn't decide whether she felt like laughing or crying, and Luke just looked confounded.
"You know what I'm trying to say." It was clearly a statement rather than a question.
"Oh, Luke. I know exactly what you're trying to say!" Leia grabbed hold of Luke's hand and pulled him across to the couch so they could sit down. "But you know as well as I do that you're just trying to spare my feelings."
"Leia-"
She cut in forcefully. "Han does know what he wants. It might've taken him a while to get there, and I'm sure he's as confused as hell - but not about his feelings for you. This has nothing whatsoever to do with you catching him on the rebound. You're the reason it can't work out between us."
"It's not like that at all! I never wanted to do that."
"Well of course you never wanted to. It wouldn't occur to you because of the way you are. But just listen to me for one minute. I'm not saying this to you this because I want you to feel responsible for splitting us up. Don't start feeling guilty, because you've done nothing wrong. I'm only telling you because you don't seem able to see yourself the way other people see you. At least, not in the right way."
"I don't know what you mean."
"You've no idea how important you are to us. I know how much you care about us, and you'd do anything you could to set things back to how they were. But you don't realize it works the other way round - that we'd do anything for you, too. You never think to take anything for yourself, only about how you can help keep everyone else happy."
Luke shook his head. "You're making me out to be something I'm not. I'm no different from anyone else."
"You think?" Leia smiled. "What I'm trying to say is that you don't value yourself enough, and that's why you're finding it hard to get your head round what Han's told you. You're struggling to accept that someone might actually want you in preference to me - or to anyone else for that matter." Leia put her hand up to Luke's cheek. "When are you going to realize? You're central to my life, and you're central to Han's too."
"You're central to Han's life," Luke insisted.
Leia nodded slowly. "I know. But it's different. You'll think this is ridiculous, but I'd go so far as to say that Han's life pretty much revolves around you."
"No it doesn't! Han goes his own way - he always has."
"Yes, up to a point. But he's lived his life a certain way since meeting you. Loving people changes how you see the world and your place in it. You know that."
Luke inclined his head slightly, but didn't reply. Leia smiled at him again, knowing that understanding his place in the world was something Luke struggled with more than he ever admitted. She let it lie - the conversation wasn't about that particular issue. At least, not directly.
"I don't know about you, but I felt like I've spent the last couple of days arguing everything round and round in a big circle and not getting anywhere," she confessed.
"Yeah, I know what you mean. But if you've been arguing with Han, then you're bound to feel like that."
Leia laughed. "Funny, because he's said the same sort of thing about arguing with you."
"I can imagine."
Now she thought about it, Leia recalled how many of her conversations with Han had been about Luke. But because Luke was always in her mind anyway, it was something she'd not thought to question more. "Do you want a drink? Threepio brought me some supplies. I think I could do with one."
"Sure."
Leia got up and moved into the small adjoining kitchen. It didn't really justify the name, as it contained little else but a water boiler and a cooler. Until they had the time and opportunity to do the apartments up properly, they all mostly ate in the pilots' mess room.
Luke followed her, leaning against the wall that formed the alcove. He waited as Leia broke the seals on two flasks of ale, then took the one she proffered to him.
Leia raised her flask. "To new beginnings - of a kind."
"And to sorting all this out," Luke added.
"It can't be sorted out in the way you're thinking. There's only one way for it to go now."
Luke frowned. "It's too soon to say anything so final. I was gonna talk to him later on, but why don't you go instead?"
"No, Luke - you're doing it again. If you've arranged to see him, then good. Go and speak to him, but don't think you can talk him into anything. Whatever he wants or doesn't want won't change the way I feel about it. It's over, and it's going to stay over. Han and I will always be friends, we'll stay close, and we'll all still do things together. I won't let anything get in the way of that." Leia took a sip from the flask, then put it down on the worktop. "What happens now between you and Han is up to you, but you've got to approach it knowing that I-"
Luke interrupted sharply. "What d'you mean, what happens? Nothing's gonna happen! Surely you don't think I'd-"
This time it was Leia who cut Luke's words off. "Please Luke, just bear in mind what I said to you before. Just, for once, think about yourself."
"This is crazy. You seem to have already assumed how things are gonna go, but how d'you think I feel about it all?"
"I already know how you feel about a lot of it. Guilty, responsible, confused... everything I expected you to feel but wished you didn't."
"Then you must realize how difficult I find all this?"
"Yes I do. And I won't lie to you and say I don't find it difficult too. But I'm also glad, because something needed to happen. Don't reject anything you think would upset me because that's not how I see it. All I'm asking is, keep an open mind."
Luke looked at her, then gave a slight shake of his head. He turned and walked back into the main room, moving over to the window where the view gave out onto the lights of Jira in the distance. He sipped the beer in silence for a while.
"What're you gonna do tonight?" he asked, still looking out into the twilight.
"I want some time to myself. I'm going to get sorted out in here. Threepio's arranging to have the rest of my things brought over."
Luke turned round to face her. "It'd be nice to train tomorrow night. D'you think you can get away?"
"I'd like that," Leia smiled. "I'll make sure I can."
Luke finished the beer and put the flask down, glancing at his chrono as he did so. "I have to get going. I need to do one last check with the team before signing off."
"Thanks for coming to find me."
"Any time. You know that. Call me in the morning will you, when you get a chance?"
"I will." She hit the door control to let Luke out.
He paused in the doorway. "You haven't asked me have you?"
"How you feel about Han?"
Luke nodded.
Leia stretched up and kissed Luke on the cheek. "No."
Luke looked at her for a moment more in silence, then kissed her in return.
After the door had closed behind him, Leia leaned back against it, all the peace that Luke's presence had brought disappearing as rapidly as it'd come. She'd told Luke the truth that she'd be okay eventually, but until that time arrived, she'd have to make do with the façade of composure that she doubted had fooled Luke for a second. She felt it collapse around her, at the same time as hot tears forced their way from her eyes. For a moment, she felt a sharp anger against Han, for all the emotional turmoil he'd caused. If only he'd just gone to Luke in the first place, all that time ago. But it was unjustified to cast blame. Han had tried all along to do the right thing, and had ended up as confused and troubled as she was. If Luke had ever shown so much as a hint of encouragement, Han might have thought to act on the true nature of his attraction to Luke. But Luke had never done that. In the beginning, Leia's interest in Han would've been the only explanation needed. But these days, Luke had other reasons for backing away from potential relationships.
***
Last-minute entanglements meant Han was running late, and as he stalked across the main hangar he was mentally listing the things he still needed to do before meeting Luke. Call Madine. Check with Allocations if they'd found him a smaller apartment. Shower. Change. Calm down.
Trying to keep his mind on simple practical matters was harder than it should've been, but venturing into the possibilities of an evening with Luke seemed far too risky. Especially as Han was going to have to explain himself to Luke-
"Hey, Han! Where are you off to in such a hurry?" Lando's voice cut across the noise of the open bay.
Han turned round, waiting for Lando to catch up. "Gotta get some calls made and then I'm goin' out."
"Where to?"
"Jira."
"With Leia?"
"No."
Lando waited a moment, then shook his head. "Well, is it some big secret or what?"
"I'm just meeting Luke."
Lando grinned. "Mind if I tag along? I wanna find out if he managed to get those land-levelers sorted."
Han shrugged. "Why don't you just get him on his comlink and ask him?"
Lando looked slightly taken aback. "Well sure, I could do that. I just thought it might be nice to go out with a couple of old friends. Not had much of a chance to do that lately."
Han attempted a conciliatory smile. "No - it's been kinda busy."
"You managed to pin him down at last then?"
"Who?"
"Luke, of course. Seems like every time I bump into you these days, you're off looking for him."
"He disappears a lot," Han pointed out defensively, fidgeting under Lando's gaze. He glanced around the hangar, looking for a possible escape route. Nothing obvious sprung to mind, so he turned back to Lando.
"Come with us then. We're only goin' to some bar. Probably be a bit quiet for you."
Lando eyed him curiously. "Look, if you wanna have a private night out with Luke - just say so. I'll go find Wedge or somethin'."
Han rolled his eyes. "I don't want a private night out." He grabbed hold of Lando's arm and dragged him nearer to the wall, out of earshot of passing pilots and mechanics. "It's a bit difficult, okay?"
Now it was Lando's turn to shrug. "Okay."
"Look, I was gonna tell you, but I've not had a chance yet. I wanted to tell you myself before it gets all round the mess room and told in a million and one wrong ways."
"Tell me what?"
"Me 'n Leia have split up."
Lando's eyes widened with surprise, and Han had the distinct impression he'd been expecting Han to say something else entirely. Han wondered what it might've been.
"I'm sorry to hear that buddy. Are you okay?"
Han nodded, then shook his head. "I feel like the galaxy's biggest asshole if you really wanna know."
"It was your idea then?"
"No. Leia wanted to end it. It's my fault though. I've messed things up big time."
"There's no chance of the two of you...?"
Han shook his head.
"That's a great shame," Lando said. "Does Luke know? Or is that why you're goin' out?"
"He knows," Han put in quickly. "But I need to talk to him. You know, with Leia being his sister 'n everything..."
"Sure, I understand." Lando said. "Must be awkward." He gave Han a concerned look. "Does Luke...?" he began, but seemed to think better of his question.
"Does Luke what?"
"Nothing. Just wondered if he was okay, or upset about it."
"Well that's what I'm gonna find out ain't it?" Han growled.
"Right - you'd better get goin' then. Let me know when you fancy that drink," Lando said, moving off. A moment later he stopped and turned round. "Good luck with everything. I mean that." He walked away, leaving Han to stare after his retreating form.
chapter 7
Author: Caryn B
Fandom: Star Wars (film canon only - see notes)
Timeline: 6 months after RotJ
Pairing: Luke/Han, slash
Rating: NC-17 overall; this chapter PG-13
Warnings: None
The list of chapters is here
Chapter 6
Leia hit the unpredictable door control in her new room for the second time, waiting until it finally slid open to let Luke in.
"How did you know where to find me?"
"They told me in Allocations," Luke explained.
"You've seen Han then?"
"Yeah - this afternoon." Luke moved across and put his arms around Leia. She hugged him back tightly. They stood without speaking for a few moments longer.
"Are you okay? I know it's a stupid question."
Leia pulled out of the hug a little so she could see Luke's face. "It's not a stupid question. I'm fine - or at least I will be. It's going to take a bit of adjustment. It's funny how you forget what it's like being alone again. Daft when you think I never had time to have a relationship before. I should be used to it."
Luke gave a small grimace. "It's not something I know a lot about. I guess it hurts though."
"Yes, it does," Leia admitted. She hugged Luke again before moving apart from him. "But I'm not stupid enough to think we could've carried on. I've known for a long time."
"What - that things weren't right?" Luke sounded slightly startled, and Leia looked at him quizzically.
"What did Han tell you?"
Luke's hesitation was longer than it should have been, and Leia sighed inwardly, knowing that Luke would already be thinking of ways to work the situation out in a manner that would totally exclude any possible happiness for himself.
"He said you'd split up and things couldn't be sorted out. He kept apologizing. Said it was all his fault." He gave a half-hearted smile. "You know Han."
"He's told you, hasn't he?"
"What, exactly...?"
"I mean, he's told you the truth. All of it."
"He said there was someone else," Luke said carefully.
Leia moved back up to Luke and put her hand on his arm. "Don't keep it from me because you're worried about hurting me. Right at this exact moment, I'm more worried about you. He told you how he felt didn't he?"
"He... not really. I don't think he means anything by it. He's confused and upset, and he's not sure what he wants. I just happened to be there, I guess."
"You just happened to be there?" Leia repeated, exasperated. "What, you mean if he'd just happened to bump into Admiral Ackbar or General Madine instead he'd have declared his undying love for them?"
They stared at each other for a moment, thrown by the image Leia had conjured up. Leia couldn't decide whether she felt like laughing or crying, and Luke just looked confounded.
"You know what I'm trying to say." It was clearly a statement rather than a question.
"Oh, Luke. I know exactly what you're trying to say!" Leia grabbed hold of Luke's hand and pulled him across to the couch so they could sit down. "But you know as well as I do that you're just trying to spare my feelings."
"Leia-"
She cut in forcefully. "Han does know what he wants. It might've taken him a while to get there, and I'm sure he's as confused as hell - but not about his feelings for you. This has nothing whatsoever to do with you catching him on the rebound. You're the reason it can't work out between us."
"It's not like that at all! I never wanted to do that."
"Well of course you never wanted to. It wouldn't occur to you because of the way you are. But just listen to me for one minute. I'm not saying this to you this because I want you to feel responsible for splitting us up. Don't start feeling guilty, because you've done nothing wrong. I'm only telling you because you don't seem able to see yourself the way other people see you. At least, not in the right way."
"I don't know what you mean."
"You've no idea how important you are to us. I know how much you care about us, and you'd do anything you could to set things back to how they were. But you don't realize it works the other way round - that we'd do anything for you, too. You never think to take anything for yourself, only about how you can help keep everyone else happy."
Luke shook his head. "You're making me out to be something I'm not. I'm no different from anyone else."
"You think?" Leia smiled. "What I'm trying to say is that you don't value yourself enough, and that's why you're finding it hard to get your head round what Han's told you. You're struggling to accept that someone might actually want you in preference to me - or to anyone else for that matter." Leia put her hand up to Luke's cheek. "When are you going to realize? You're central to my life, and you're central to Han's too."
"You're central to Han's life," Luke insisted.
Leia nodded slowly. "I know. But it's different. You'll think this is ridiculous, but I'd go so far as to say that Han's life pretty much revolves around you."
"No it doesn't! Han goes his own way - he always has."
"Yes, up to a point. But he's lived his life a certain way since meeting you. Loving people changes how you see the world and your place in it. You know that."
Luke inclined his head slightly, but didn't reply. Leia smiled at him again, knowing that understanding his place in the world was something Luke struggled with more than he ever admitted. She let it lie - the conversation wasn't about that particular issue. At least, not directly.
"I don't know about you, but I felt like I've spent the last couple of days arguing everything round and round in a big circle and not getting anywhere," she confessed.
"Yeah, I know what you mean. But if you've been arguing with Han, then you're bound to feel like that."
Leia laughed. "Funny, because he's said the same sort of thing about arguing with you."
"I can imagine."
Now she thought about it, Leia recalled how many of her conversations with Han had been about Luke. But because Luke was always in her mind anyway, it was something she'd not thought to question more. "Do you want a drink? Threepio brought me some supplies. I think I could do with one."
"Sure."
Leia got up and moved into the small adjoining kitchen. It didn't really justify the name, as it contained little else but a water boiler and a cooler. Until they had the time and opportunity to do the apartments up properly, they all mostly ate in the pilots' mess room.
Luke followed her, leaning against the wall that formed the alcove. He waited as Leia broke the seals on two flasks of ale, then took the one she proffered to him.
Leia raised her flask. "To new beginnings - of a kind."
"And to sorting all this out," Luke added.
"It can't be sorted out in the way you're thinking. There's only one way for it to go now."
Luke frowned. "It's too soon to say anything so final. I was gonna talk to him later on, but why don't you go instead?"
"No, Luke - you're doing it again. If you've arranged to see him, then good. Go and speak to him, but don't think you can talk him into anything. Whatever he wants or doesn't want won't change the way I feel about it. It's over, and it's going to stay over. Han and I will always be friends, we'll stay close, and we'll all still do things together. I won't let anything get in the way of that." Leia took a sip from the flask, then put it down on the worktop. "What happens now between you and Han is up to you, but you've got to approach it knowing that I-"
Luke interrupted sharply. "What d'you mean, what happens? Nothing's gonna happen! Surely you don't think I'd-"
This time it was Leia who cut Luke's words off. "Please Luke, just bear in mind what I said to you before. Just, for once, think about yourself."
"This is crazy. You seem to have already assumed how things are gonna go, but how d'you think I feel about it all?"
"I already know how you feel about a lot of it. Guilty, responsible, confused... everything I expected you to feel but wished you didn't."
"Then you must realize how difficult I find all this?"
"Yes I do. And I won't lie to you and say I don't find it difficult too. But I'm also glad, because something needed to happen. Don't reject anything you think would upset me because that's not how I see it. All I'm asking is, keep an open mind."
Luke looked at her, then gave a slight shake of his head. He turned and walked back into the main room, moving over to the window where the view gave out onto the lights of Jira in the distance. He sipped the beer in silence for a while.
"What're you gonna do tonight?" he asked, still looking out into the twilight.
"I want some time to myself. I'm going to get sorted out in here. Threepio's arranging to have the rest of my things brought over."
Luke turned round to face her. "It'd be nice to train tomorrow night. D'you think you can get away?"
"I'd like that," Leia smiled. "I'll make sure I can."
Luke finished the beer and put the flask down, glancing at his chrono as he did so. "I have to get going. I need to do one last check with the team before signing off."
"Thanks for coming to find me."
"Any time. You know that. Call me in the morning will you, when you get a chance?"
"I will." She hit the door control to let Luke out.
He paused in the doorway. "You haven't asked me have you?"
"How you feel about Han?"
Luke nodded.
Leia stretched up and kissed Luke on the cheek. "No."
Luke looked at her for a moment more in silence, then kissed her in return.
After the door had closed behind him, Leia leaned back against it, all the peace that Luke's presence had brought disappearing as rapidly as it'd come. She'd told Luke the truth that she'd be okay eventually, but until that time arrived, she'd have to make do with the façade of composure that she doubted had fooled Luke for a second. She felt it collapse around her, at the same time as hot tears forced their way from her eyes. For a moment, she felt a sharp anger against Han, for all the emotional turmoil he'd caused. If only he'd just gone to Luke in the first place, all that time ago. But it was unjustified to cast blame. Han had tried all along to do the right thing, and had ended up as confused and troubled as she was. If Luke had ever shown so much as a hint of encouragement, Han might have thought to act on the true nature of his attraction to Luke. But Luke had never done that. In the beginning, Leia's interest in Han would've been the only explanation needed. But these days, Luke had other reasons for backing away from potential relationships.
***
Last-minute entanglements meant Han was running late, and as he stalked across the main hangar he was mentally listing the things he still needed to do before meeting Luke. Call Madine. Check with Allocations if they'd found him a smaller apartment. Shower. Change. Calm down.
Trying to keep his mind on simple practical matters was harder than it should've been, but venturing into the possibilities of an evening with Luke seemed far too risky. Especially as Han was going to have to explain himself to Luke-
"Hey, Han! Where are you off to in such a hurry?" Lando's voice cut across the noise of the open bay.
Han turned round, waiting for Lando to catch up. "Gotta get some calls made and then I'm goin' out."
"Where to?"
"Jira."
"With Leia?"
"No."
Lando waited a moment, then shook his head. "Well, is it some big secret or what?"
"I'm just meeting Luke."
Lando grinned. "Mind if I tag along? I wanna find out if he managed to get those land-levelers sorted."
Han shrugged. "Why don't you just get him on his comlink and ask him?"
Lando looked slightly taken aback. "Well sure, I could do that. I just thought it might be nice to go out with a couple of old friends. Not had much of a chance to do that lately."
Han attempted a conciliatory smile. "No - it's been kinda busy."
"You managed to pin him down at last then?"
"Who?"
"Luke, of course. Seems like every time I bump into you these days, you're off looking for him."
"He disappears a lot," Han pointed out defensively, fidgeting under Lando's gaze. He glanced around the hangar, looking for a possible escape route. Nothing obvious sprung to mind, so he turned back to Lando.
"Come with us then. We're only goin' to some bar. Probably be a bit quiet for you."
Lando eyed him curiously. "Look, if you wanna have a private night out with Luke - just say so. I'll go find Wedge or somethin'."
Han rolled his eyes. "I don't want a private night out." He grabbed hold of Lando's arm and dragged him nearer to the wall, out of earshot of passing pilots and mechanics. "It's a bit difficult, okay?"
Now it was Lando's turn to shrug. "Okay."
"Look, I was gonna tell you, but I've not had a chance yet. I wanted to tell you myself before it gets all round the mess room and told in a million and one wrong ways."
"Tell me what?"
"Me 'n Leia have split up."
Lando's eyes widened with surprise, and Han had the distinct impression he'd been expecting Han to say something else entirely. Han wondered what it might've been.
"I'm sorry to hear that buddy. Are you okay?"
Han nodded, then shook his head. "I feel like the galaxy's biggest asshole if you really wanna know."
"It was your idea then?"
"No. Leia wanted to end it. It's my fault though. I've messed things up big time."
"There's no chance of the two of you...?"
Han shook his head.
"That's a great shame," Lando said. "Does Luke know? Or is that why you're goin' out?"
"He knows," Han put in quickly. "But I need to talk to him. You know, with Leia being his sister 'n everything..."
"Sure, I understand." Lando said. "Must be awkward." He gave Han a concerned look. "Does Luke...?" he began, but seemed to think better of his question.
"Does Luke what?"
"Nothing. Just wondered if he was okay, or upset about it."
"Well that's what I'm gonna find out ain't it?" Han growled.
"Right - you'd better get goin' then. Let me know when you fancy that drink," Lando said, moving off. A moment later he stopped and turned round. "Good luck with everything. I mean that." He walked away, leaving Han to stare after his retreating form.
chapter 7