Definitions of Destiny: Chapter 8
Title: Definitions of Destiny
Author: Caryn B
Fandom: Star Wars (film canon only - see notes)
Timeline: 6 months after RotJ
Pairing: Luke/Han, slash
Rating: NC-17 overall; this chapter PG-13
Warnings: None
The list of chapters is here
Chapter 8
The tavern in Jira's old town wasn't quite what Han had expected. It was much smaller than he'd imagined, but considerably more crowded. Most of the patrons had gathered round the bar, and the attraction soon became obvious. The owner served spicy griddlecakes, and the trade in these was almost as vigorous as the trade in local ale. Han could see why the Rogues had homed in on the place - the whole lot of them spent half their lives thinking with their stomachs.
Luke and Han squeezed their way through the crush to a small table at the back. Han had to admit it was pretty cozy, if a bit noisy. A server droid, of the type that usually ignored customers, recognized Luke and slid up to them.
"Have you had a chance to eat today?" Han asked Luke.
"Well, I was force-fed greshimi rolls by Creggan's mother," Luke admitted. "Not sure if that counts."
Han gave him a sympathetic grin. Greshimi rolls were a local specialty beloved these days only by a diminishing minority. Traditionally, the Arudine people served them to guests, who usually had to eat at least two. That is, if the first one didn't permanently glue your teeth together. They were an acquired taste, but Han had yet to find anybody who'd actually acquired it.
They ordered helpings of extra spicy griddlecakes to counteract the phantom tooth-ache produced by the mere mention of greshimi, along with glasses of dark ale, which the droid brought over immediately.
Up until this moment, Han considered how they'd reverted back to easy, casual talk without even making a verbal decision to do so. It had just happened like that. In the speeder, they'd steered clear of discussing anything awkward, and now it looked as though they'd continue in that same manner throughout the night. But Han's impulsive behavior of the afternoon still hung over him, and he needed to clear the air. So far, he'd refused to consider anything beyond the basic concept that he needed to apologize yet again, if he could find a way to steer the conversation in the right direction.
In the end, Luke did it for him, but the slightly deeper breath he took before speaking was an indication to Han that Luke was nowhere near as comfortable with the situation as he appeared.
"I went to see Leia."
Han looked up warily from his ale. "And?"
"She's upset."
"Hey, how bad d'you wanna make me feel?" Han muttered.
"I thought you'd rather I was just honest about it. You know she's gonna be upset anyway. She's hiding it of course."
"Not from you, obviously."
"Why would she?"
Han said nothing for a moment, just stared into the dark depths of his beer. "So - what did you say to her?"
"That I was sorry and wished I could help."
"Yeah, I worked that bit out for myself. I meant more specific things."
"What, like about this afternoon?"
Han tore his eyes away from his glass and met Luke's gaze. "Yeah."
"Of course I didn't tell her that. She did ask me if you'd told me the truth though."
Han grimaced. "And you wouldn't lie to her."
"I told her you'd said there was someone else, but you hadn't exactly said anything specific, which is true."
Han snorted with derision. "So the tactful hint I dropped you wasn't obvious enough?"
"Actually, it probably wasn't your most subtle moment."
Despite himself, Han grinned. "You know I can never keep my mouth shut."
Luke grinned back at him. "I've noticed."
Slightly flustered, Han took refuge once again in his beer glass. "Is she okay? I mean, with you?" he asked after a few moments, poise regained.
"I don't know," Luke confessed. "I think she was more worried about me feeling guilty."
Han sighed. "I guess there's no point in me tellin' you none of this is your fault, but I'm gonna say it anyway."
"It's a bit difficult to accept that though."
Han turned to face Luke again. "Why? Why's it difficult to accept? You never asked for any of this. You didn't know anything."
"If I'd made my mind up earlier on about what I'm going to do with my life, I might not've been around to cause trouble."
"You haven't caused trouble. I've caused trouble. Anyway, it wouldn't have made any difference if you were here or not."
"How can you say that?"
"I've already told you I'd feel like leaving if you left. And 'out of sight, out of mind' doesn't work in real life."
Luke held Han's gaze for a moment, then looked down. "I know."
The droid arrived with their food, breaking the small tension that had arisen between them. Dealing with the griddlecakes distracted them even more. They were seriously messy to eat and they had to concentrate in order to avoid dropping most of the contents all over the table. They were also extremely spicy, causing Han to signal rather desperately to the droid for ale refills. As usual, Luke - brought up on a diet of fiery desert spices - was eating them as though they were the mildest thing available. Han wondered just how hot something would have to be to faze him.
After they'd finished, the droid took their empty plates, refilled their glasses yet again, and handed them warm, damp cloths for their hands. Han wiped his across his forehead.
"Should've had the mild ones," Luke suggested.
"And let you get one up on me?"
Luke laughed, and reached for his glass.
"D'you think Leia will be okay? Be honest," Han asked, picking up their earlier conversation.
Luke nodded slowly. "She needs a bit of time to adjust to it, but she'll be alright. It sounds odd, but I think she's relieved it's happened." He frowned slightly. "She also said she's realized things have been this way for a long time."
"Yeah, I guess," Han agreed resignedly.
"How long?"
Han stared at him, knowing that his answer would most likely bring another startled look to those eyes that looked back at him with an intensity only Luke seemed to possess.
"Maybe from the very beginning."
Han saw the surprise, replaced immediately by another quizzical frown.
"D'you mean the beginning of you getting together with Leia? Since Endor?"
Just a few short months, was what Luke was asking. It would be a let-out clause for them both. If it was just a few months, then it might turn out to be nothing. Maybe in a few more weeks things would have turned around again and they could put all this behind them. Trouble was, it wasn't true, and Han didn't want a let-out clause in any case. He had no idea what Luke wanted, but if it was the easy answer, he was going to be disappointed.
The intense gaze was back on him, and Han's insides seemed to turn over beneath it. "I meant the real beginning. Since Yavin."
A momentary pause. "Since Yavin? But you've never said even the slightest thing to me..."
"Would you've wanted me to?" Han challenged. "You never showed any sign that it would've been welcome."
"But there was Leia. You were interested in her right from the start."
"You thought about that?"
Luke shrugged. "It seemed pretty obvious."
Han ignored the comment, because now he had questions of his own. "If I ask you something will you give me a straight answer?"
"If I can."
"So - you're already giving yourself an excuse for not giving me one?"
"Don't twist my words round."
"Yes or no, Luke?" Han demanded.
"Why don't you just get on and ask it, then you'll find out."
"Okay... Look, if there hadn't been Leia-"
"But there was," Luke interrupted.
"You told me to get on and ask, but you're already making it difficult and I've not even finished," Han said with exasperation.
Luke held up a hand in apology. "Sorry."
Han tried again. "If you hadn't thought I was interested in Leia, would you ever have..., I mean would you have thought that... maybe you'd, well...?"
There was another delay before Luke replied. "Is that the question? And I'm supposed to give you a straight answer?"
"Well, maybe I didn't put it very well," Han muttered.
"That would be one way of looking at it."
"I think you probably know what I'm trying to say, so help me out a bit here. I'm fallin' over myself tryin' to be tactful."
Luke gave a small sigh. "I think I know what you're trying to say, but I don't see how I can give you a simple answer."
"Why not?"
"Because it's just not simple is it?"
"Not if you've got anything to do with it."
"I'm not trying to get out of answering it," Luke insisted. "Okay, going all the way back to Yavin, and maybe even the earliest days on Hoth, if you'd shown any interest I might've been interested back."
"Only might've been?"
"Yes. Back then, I never really knew what you thought of me, deep down. I guess I thought maybe you didn't take me that seriously. You saw me as some idealistic dreamer with a lot of nonsense in my head. If you'd said anything to me then, I don't know if I'd have really believed you."
"Great - so you didn't trust me much back then?"
"That's not what I said."
"Sounded like that to me. But you've got a funny way of looking at things."
"What d'you mean by that?"
"You don't think much of yourself do you?"
Luke shrugged, looking puzzled.
"You say 'idealistic' like I use it as a swear word. Yeah, you were idealistic, and you still are, but I don't see anything wrong in that. And you don't think any of that rubbed off on me at all? That maybe you showed me some things are worth stickin' around for? Listen Luke - you came straight from the farm, and your next stop was the Death Star. And you took it like a walk in the park. Then you go into battle in a ship you've never flown before, watch as everyone around you gets blasted to the stars, and never once questioned your convictions. And you thought I didn't take you seriously?"
Luke gave Han a smile that caused further rearrangement of Han's insides. "I'm saying I was pretty naïve back then. I don't see things like that now. And I've always trusted you."
Han shook his head. "I didn't see you as naïve, but you'd never been off Tatooine. You just didn't know what was out there. But it wouldn't have made any difference if you'd known what you were up against. You'd have done it all anyway."
"You were with me for most of it."
"Yeah. It's what I'm tryin' to tell you. But you've not given me much of an answer yet have you?"
"No, I... Actually, we're getting some attention," Luke murmured.
Han looked up and met the curious gaze of a nearby table of off-duty pilots. They looked away quickly, but their interest was evident. Han didn't recognize any of them, but knew from experience it didn't work the other way round. He was only sitting next to Luke, and he hadn't said anything conclusive, even if they could've heard him properly, which he doubted. But body language was something else, and clearly the group had seen something to make them pay attention.
It was only a matter of days before most of the galaxy heard the news that Han Solo and Princess Leia Organa had split up, and the last thing any of them needed was a whole load of speculative and lurid comment over the Holonet on just how close he was to Luke Skywalker. He didn't really care about himself, people could say what they liked and be damned. But he did care that Leia would be hurt by it, because anything reported was always grossly distorted, and the gossip channels would like nothing better than to home in on the fact that Han would appear to have wasted no time whatsoever in finding someone else.
Also, he didn't want to inflict on Luke any more unwanted publicity. Luke was news wherever he went in any case, but he'd have more than enough to deal with once the truth about Vader finally became public.
"Shall we settle up and get out of here?" Han suggested.
"I'll do it," Luke said, standing up and reaching for his jacket. "See you outside."
Wandering off down the winding streets of the old town they headed away, by tacit agreement, from where they'd left the speeder. The night air was mild and welcome after the heat of the tavern. They had no desire to rush back to the overcrowded base.
"Doesn't it get on your goddamn nerves - always being in the spotlight? Feels like you can't move sometimes without someone watching."
Luke smiled. "I know what you mean. When this gets out, it's gonna be hard for a while, but people will soon forget all about it and find something else to talk about."
"Yeah. Makes you wonder why they wanna bother in the first place."
"You're celebrities. Heroes of the Rebellion," Luke replied dryly. "Means you don't get to have a private life anymore. At least, not one you don't share with half the galaxy."
"I just wish there was some way I could stop Leia having to go through it."
"Short of putting on a whole pretense that you've not split up, I don't think there is. All it'll take is one word of gossip getting out, and it'll be leading news. Anyway, I think Leia will handle it better than you think. She's more used to public life."
"So if we put a brave face on it we'll all emerge unscathed," Han said with weary self-mockery.
"Don't blame yourself for the publicity. You still have to carry on living your life, and trying not to let them bother you."
"Can't be easy for you either," Han pointed out. "You get some weird reactions wherever you go."
"A lot of people have strong views about the Jedi, even if they've never met one before. Anyway, this is nothing - wait till the news about Vader gets out."
"D'you want it to?" Han asked.
Luke gave a small grimace. "I don't know. I don't like living under this secret all the time. It feels like it's gonna shatter and come crashing down on me. And it's like we're saying we don't trust people enough to know the truth."
"Trouble is, we dunno if we can."
"Yeah, I know. But it's like Mon Mothma says, if we hide it away, people will think we've got a more sinister agenda."
"You'll have everyone behind you - the people that matter I mean."
"I'll still have to prove I'm not a threat. That's why I need to make sure I do the right thing. Make the right decisions."
So they were back round to that again, and Han sighed inwardly at the unease this conversation always induced in him. Just lately, even before the break-up with Leia, it had begun to feel as though he was walking on sand. That his life had become shifting and impermanent. The irony of it was that his life had been like that before he'd got involved with the Rebel Alliance, and that was just how he'd liked it. Never knowing what the next day would bring. No real plans, no home, no ties. Just him and Chewie and open space.
Before Endor, he'd thought he'd known just where he stood. But this latest turning point in his life disturbed him. It'd be easy if it was only his options for the future that were the problem. But it wasn't - it was everyone else's. Because they'd all reached this same point, where they were looking back on what they'd done and wondering where they went from here. It was unsettling and Han knew he didn't like it, even though he'd been expecting it from Luke the very evening he'd returned to them on Endor.
They walked along in silence, preoccupied with their respective thoughts. Instinctively, they headed away from built-up areas in an unconscious wish for privacy. The ground grew increasingly irregular as they left the streets behind them, and around them now were the rough stone walls of Jira's outer limits.
Han walked on ahead to look over one of the walls. Below it, the ground banked steeply, but it was impossible to see much beyond a dense shadowy drop to the open plains beneath the town. In the distance he could make out the lights of the military base, several miles away.
"Funny to think of 'em all over there," he said. Luke had joined him at the wall, and together they looked out across the dark expanse.
Luke threw him a glance. "D'you wanna head back before we get completely lost?"
"We won't," Han said confidently, peering at their surroundings. It should've been straightforward, looking back towards the way they'd come, but Han now found it impossible to distinguish one rough track from another. "Course, it might be too late for that," he added.
"It might be," Luke agreed.
"You know, we seem to be spending a lot of our time these days standing around old walls."
"Not just standing."
"Yeah, well, about that..." Han muttered. "I sorta hoped, tonight, we'd get to talk more. Seems like we've not said very much, and I want you to know I feel bad about it. It shouldn't have happened."
"There's nothing to feel bad about. And I wanted to talk more too. But we don't have to rush back. We can go find another bar if you like - somewhere more off the beaten track."
"I think we're a bit off the beaten track already."
Luke smiled but said nothing, and Han guessed he was waiting for the question Han had been trying to ask all evening.
He asked it suddenly, impatient with his own reticence. After all, it had been in his mind since Luke had left him standing by the old training ground wall that afternoon. "Why didn't you push me away?"
A small hesitation, then, "Why would I?"
Han gave a small sigh of frustration. "You never answer my questions - just throw another one back at me. Maybe you should've done."
"Why?"
" 'Cause then I'd know exactly how you feel. Instead, I'm pretty clueless. Feels like I'm stumblin' around in the dark."
Luke ran a hand through his hair, a small frown creasing his brow. "I know I haven't given you any proper answers. It's just that it's so difficult to explain."
"How about if you just try."
Luke hoisted himself up to sit on the wall - probably to give himself a few seconds to think. "It's like I said earlier, about the first days on Hoth. I wasn't sure what I would've done. Later on, before Bespin, I do know. But things were much more straightforward then. There were no hidden agendas to everything. At least, I didn't realize there were. Then after Endor, everything was suddenly much easier than I'd expected, because there was Leia."
"I've got no idea what you're talking about," Han admitted. "What was much easier?"
"It made it easy for me because you were with Leia."
"I still don't understand, and I don't get what you mean by hidden agendas. My hidden agendas?"
Luke's reply came back with a kind of hurried intensity, as if he was trying to convey the meaning of his puzzling words through the tone of his voice. "No, not yours. I meant those where others could manipulate my feelings. People like Vader, and the Emperor. And it's like I've told you before - I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know if I should be planning to spend it alone. I don't know if those old Jedi rules Mon Mothma was talking about were there for this reason. I don't know whether these feelings either shouldn't exist, or I should be capable of moving past them. I don't know whether I showed I'd thrown aside what the Emperor said was inside me, or whether I just showed it was there all along. I don't know if I'd proved something to him, or he'd proved something to me."
Han moved up to Luke swiftly, placing a firm grip on one of his arms.
"The only thing the Emperor proved to you was that he had no idea what true strength is. And it's got nothing to do with the sick, fucking mind games he was playing with you." His words came out rough and angry, and he knew the pressure of his fingers on Luke's arm would be close to painful, but he couldn't help himself. Something in Luke's words had stirred the now familiar, simmering anxiety he had inside, that something was about to change irrevocably.
"It was you who proved things - and maybe you're right about some of it if you're talkin' about the anger," he continued. "But that's only a tiny part of what you showed him. And we've been through this before, but I'm gonna say it again. We've all got some sorta darkness in us, and you can call it what you like. Anger, fear, jealousy - whatever. For most of us it just stays that way 'cause we can't turn it into something else. But you can. It's a fact, 'n we both know it. The point is, you recognized it, and that's the difference. It's when you can't see it - that's when you're in trouble."
Luke looked back at him levelly. "Not everyone has your degree of trust. And there's so much I don't know. Yoda was right - in a way that he didn't really mean at the time. It's now a part of me that is dominant in some respects, and that's because I've felt it."
"It doesn't dominate you at all," Han insisted.
"Not in the way you're thinking. But it's a part of my thoughts. Whether you accept it or not, I did step over that line."
"I do accept it! Like I accept everything about you. It's you who's gotta accept it in the right way. You're the strongest person I know. And you face anythin' that's thrown at you."
"Do I?" Luke asked. He stared at Han for a long moment. "Are you counting this afternoon?"
Han looked down, releasing Luke at the same time. He turned to the side, resting one hip against the wall.
"Yeah. Even that."
"So why don't you ask me again why I didn't push you away?"
"You reckon I need to? Don't I have the answer already? It's just not your way is it? Like I said, you'll face anythin' without flinching."
"It was because I didn't want to."
Han fixed him with a curious stare. "Why not?"
"Because I care about you."
"Care about me? I care about Lando, but I wouldn't want him kissing me."
Luke gave a soft laugh. "We go round and round and round with this don't we? Questioning and counter-questioning each other's words till neither of us have got a clue what the other's talking about."
"At least I try to make sense. Gettin' a simple answer out of you is worse than getting a short answer out of Goldenrod."
"Because there isn't one. I'm as confused as you are! I've not got it all straight in my own mind, let alone be able to make it clear to you."
"But you care about me huh? Is that care about me in that you don't wanna hurt my feelings, care about me 'cause I'm a good friend, or care about me in some other way you've not told me about?"
"All those ways. Except I have told you, really."
"So explain it to me again, 'cause I must've missed it the first time."
"You don't make things easy do you?"
"And you do?"
"I guess not," Luke smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry. I'll try to make it clearer." He shifted slightly on the wall. "Sometime between Yavin and Hoth, I just accepted that I'd read you wrong." He touched Han briefly on the arm, effectively forestalling Han's indignant response. "Let me explain properly before you yell at me. I know you didn't think any of the things I said before. You've already told me. And it was never a definite feeling anyway. But when we were on Hoth, I'd cast all that aside, and, well... yes, I would've wanted to be with you if things had been different. But Leia was in love with you, and you seemed to feel the same way."
"Then things changed again after Cloud City?" Han asked gruffly.
"I changed. I made so many discoveries about myself, and nothing seemed the same anymore. Everything had got more dangerous. Vader was using you, Leia and Chewie to get to me. I hadn't really seen it before, but after that I understood exactly what it meant to be in the situation I was in. I knew I had to keep you all separate from that struggle with Vader and the Emperor. But it didn't work out because I couldn't do it. I still can't do it. But at least when you were with Leia, there was never any possibility of acting on those feelings - because I couldn't. That's what I meant by it being easier then."
"What feelings?" Han pulled away from the wall, twisted round again to face Luke. He rested his hands on top of the wall, one on either side of Luke.
"Han..."
"What feelings?" Han demanded again.
Luke lifted a hand, touched his fingers to Han's cheek. "They're probably something like yours."
"I don't think so."
"Then you should think again."
"What - you're tellin' me you love me?" Han asked, unable to keep the skepticism from his voice.
"Of course I love you."
"But not like that."
Luke traced the edge of Han's cheekbone with his fingertips. "Yes, like that," he said.
Han stared at him, confounded, then took hold of the hand at his face, linking his fingers with Luke's. "And now you're gonna tell me it's wrong. That we can't do this to Leia. And that it's a bad idea 'cause you might wanna go off and be alone to satisfy some perverse instinct for self-denial."
"We can't just forget about Leia and ignore her feelings. You don't want to do that any more than I do. And you already know all the other things I've told you. I'm not gonna say them again, but they won't just go away."
"And I've told you, I don't want protecting from you," Han replied. "And that's the real issue ain't it? The other things... Leia... it's a matter of time. But I know you won't make any promises, so I'm gonna make one instead. I'm gonna prove to you that you're already doing the right things."
"What would you want me to promise?"
"Hell, I don't know. I only know what I want."
"What do you want?"
Han studied Luke's face, shadowy in the pale light from the moon. "Too much," he said. And when Luke didn't reply, he gave an abrupt shake of his head, not really knowing what he wanted to happen. Just for the conversation to be over maybe. Perhaps for them to give it up, go home, go back to sitting on the edge and wondering if things could ever have been different. Anything but this endless game of words.
Yet a sharp flare of aggression held him there when he should've backed off, especially after Luke had more-or-less told him to forget it.
"Everything. I want everything." His eyes, flashing with anger at his own lack of restraint, held Luke's. "But you never want anything do you?"
Luke stared back at him. "Yes I do," he said quietly.
The words chased away the anger as quickly as it had flared up, leaving a different, tense, stillness in Han. It was a moment before he spoke. "So why don't you do something about it?"
Luke reached out with his free hand, sliding it around the back of Han's neck. A small, quiet breath escaped him, and his hand exerted a slight but unmistakable pressure as he leaned down.
Han moved towards him, all his unformed resolutions to hold back fleeing instantaneously into the night air. Whatever he'd begun to tell himself about demanding nothing and accepting all Luke's caution was forgotten the moment Luke's lips met his, this time with full awareness that made itself heard in the sound Luke made. It wasn't much, something halfway between a sigh and a moan, coming from deep inside. But for Han, it echoed precisely the same feeling that had burned for so long within him and he reacted to it instinctively, his hands moving up to frame Luke's face, deepening the kiss, searching out unequivocal answers to all the questions he hadn't yet asked.
It wasn't uncertainty that made Han start to pull away, but the simple desire to see Luke's face. But the instant he moved back, Luke's grip tightened in protest, his response a rough entreaty that made Han's breath catch in his throat.
"Don't go yet."
Han locked eyes with him. "I'm not goin' anywhere."
Then Luke moved, half sliding and half climbing down from the wall, his hands pulling Han up against him. They fell back awkwardly against the wall, and then Han's mouth was on Luke's again, his kisses turning intent and hungry.
To Han it felt like everything inside him was altering - all the suppressed desire and self-imposed denial of the past years reforming itself into a furious form of need that tore through him. He acted impulsively, kissing Luke all over his face, across his eyes and in his hair. He moved his lips down to beneath Luke's jaw, grazed his teeth across Luke's neck, closed his eyes as Luke groaned aloud.
It was everything he wanted, and everything he couldn't have. He knew he had to stop but didn't know how to. And as Luke's hands tightened in his hair, Han understood that they were each relying on the other to end it. Because Leia still stood between them, along with all the hurt they could inflict on her. It was far too soon and the guilt too new, and he owed it to Luke to regain some control.
But something else was taking over. Something that made him push up harder against Luke, driving the breath from Luke's lungs and pinning him tightly against the wall. And when that same something sent his hands to reach for the fastenings of Luke's tunic, he found his fingers tangled up with Luke's.
Luke's palms, hot against his skin, raised shivers that crawled across his body and almost made him forget what he knew he must do. Then he chased the thought even further away by fastening his mouth to Luke's throat and sliding his hands inside Luke's tunic.
Everything he felt was here, in the building heat within him and the way Luke moved against him. He pressed hard, hungry kisses to exposed skin, each touch of his lips pushing him one step closer to going too far. But as he moved his lips lower and felt all sensations turn acute, he finally tore himself away.
They stood there for a long moment, staring at each other, startled into silence by the raw strength of such abrupt, consuming desire.
Then Luke reached out, pulling Han towards him, but gently this time - both of them full of an aching awareness that anything more would have felt like a betrayal. Even if Leia had openly stated her acceptance of the way they felt, all three of them needed more distance to see things clearly.
Han buried his face in Luke's neck, breathing in the combined scent of Luke's hair and Luke's skin. He drew a deep, ragged breath and his muffled words reflected the tumult in his mind and the single-minded response of his body. "Gods, Luke."
When Han raised his head he brushed his fingers across Luke's lips, saying nothing because they'd said it all already. Luke smiled back at him and Han couldn't look away.
They stayed there, huddled against the wall, for a moment that stretched into many minutes, hearing the calls of nocturnal creatures, and watching the still-strange constellations of the night sky growing brighter as the darkness deepened.
Eventually, Han moved, drawing the edges of Luke's tunic together and searching for the fasteners with careful concentration.
When he'd finished he glanced around him at the rough landscape, its features leached of all color and barely visible in the moonlight. Soft beams of light caught tufts of grass and scattered stones from field walls. The track they'd walked along had all but vanished, but the glow from Jira's settlement would help to guide them.
"Let's find our way back, huh?" he said.
Luke nodded, the movement only just noticeable in the deep shadow in which he stood, and his cryptic reply so quiet that Han strained to hear it.
"We can find our way home, but I don't know if we can find our way back."
chapter 9
Author: Caryn B
Fandom: Star Wars (film canon only - see notes)
Timeline: 6 months after RotJ
Pairing: Luke/Han, slash
Rating: NC-17 overall; this chapter PG-13
Warnings: None
The list of chapters is here
Chapter 8
The tavern in Jira's old town wasn't quite what Han had expected. It was much smaller than he'd imagined, but considerably more crowded. Most of the patrons had gathered round the bar, and the attraction soon became obvious. The owner served spicy griddlecakes, and the trade in these was almost as vigorous as the trade in local ale. Han could see why the Rogues had homed in on the place - the whole lot of them spent half their lives thinking with their stomachs.
Luke and Han squeezed their way through the crush to a small table at the back. Han had to admit it was pretty cozy, if a bit noisy. A server droid, of the type that usually ignored customers, recognized Luke and slid up to them.
"Have you had a chance to eat today?" Han asked Luke.
"Well, I was force-fed greshimi rolls by Creggan's mother," Luke admitted. "Not sure if that counts."
Han gave him a sympathetic grin. Greshimi rolls were a local specialty beloved these days only by a diminishing minority. Traditionally, the Arudine people served them to guests, who usually had to eat at least two. That is, if the first one didn't permanently glue your teeth together. They were an acquired taste, but Han had yet to find anybody who'd actually acquired it.
They ordered helpings of extra spicy griddlecakes to counteract the phantom tooth-ache produced by the mere mention of greshimi, along with glasses of dark ale, which the droid brought over immediately.
Up until this moment, Han considered how they'd reverted back to easy, casual talk without even making a verbal decision to do so. It had just happened like that. In the speeder, they'd steered clear of discussing anything awkward, and now it looked as though they'd continue in that same manner throughout the night. But Han's impulsive behavior of the afternoon still hung over him, and he needed to clear the air. So far, he'd refused to consider anything beyond the basic concept that he needed to apologize yet again, if he could find a way to steer the conversation in the right direction.
In the end, Luke did it for him, but the slightly deeper breath he took before speaking was an indication to Han that Luke was nowhere near as comfortable with the situation as he appeared.
"I went to see Leia."
Han looked up warily from his ale. "And?"
"She's upset."
"Hey, how bad d'you wanna make me feel?" Han muttered.
"I thought you'd rather I was just honest about it. You know she's gonna be upset anyway. She's hiding it of course."
"Not from you, obviously."
"Why would she?"
Han said nothing for a moment, just stared into the dark depths of his beer. "So - what did you say to her?"
"That I was sorry and wished I could help."
"Yeah, I worked that bit out for myself. I meant more specific things."
"What, like about this afternoon?"
Han tore his eyes away from his glass and met Luke's gaze. "Yeah."
"Of course I didn't tell her that. She did ask me if you'd told me the truth though."
Han grimaced. "And you wouldn't lie to her."
"I told her you'd said there was someone else, but you hadn't exactly said anything specific, which is true."
Han snorted with derision. "So the tactful hint I dropped you wasn't obvious enough?"
"Actually, it probably wasn't your most subtle moment."
Despite himself, Han grinned. "You know I can never keep my mouth shut."
Luke grinned back at him. "I've noticed."
Slightly flustered, Han took refuge once again in his beer glass. "Is she okay? I mean, with you?" he asked after a few moments, poise regained.
"I don't know," Luke confessed. "I think she was more worried about me feeling guilty."
Han sighed. "I guess there's no point in me tellin' you none of this is your fault, but I'm gonna say it anyway."
"It's a bit difficult to accept that though."
Han turned to face Luke again. "Why? Why's it difficult to accept? You never asked for any of this. You didn't know anything."
"If I'd made my mind up earlier on about what I'm going to do with my life, I might not've been around to cause trouble."
"You haven't caused trouble. I've caused trouble. Anyway, it wouldn't have made any difference if you were here or not."
"How can you say that?"
"I've already told you I'd feel like leaving if you left. And 'out of sight, out of mind' doesn't work in real life."
Luke held Han's gaze for a moment, then looked down. "I know."
The droid arrived with their food, breaking the small tension that had arisen between them. Dealing with the griddlecakes distracted them even more. They were seriously messy to eat and they had to concentrate in order to avoid dropping most of the contents all over the table. They were also extremely spicy, causing Han to signal rather desperately to the droid for ale refills. As usual, Luke - brought up on a diet of fiery desert spices - was eating them as though they were the mildest thing available. Han wondered just how hot something would have to be to faze him.
After they'd finished, the droid took their empty plates, refilled their glasses yet again, and handed them warm, damp cloths for their hands. Han wiped his across his forehead.
"Should've had the mild ones," Luke suggested.
"And let you get one up on me?"
Luke laughed, and reached for his glass.
"D'you think Leia will be okay? Be honest," Han asked, picking up their earlier conversation.
Luke nodded slowly. "She needs a bit of time to adjust to it, but she'll be alright. It sounds odd, but I think she's relieved it's happened." He frowned slightly. "She also said she's realized things have been this way for a long time."
"Yeah, I guess," Han agreed resignedly.
"How long?"
Han stared at him, knowing that his answer would most likely bring another startled look to those eyes that looked back at him with an intensity only Luke seemed to possess.
"Maybe from the very beginning."
Han saw the surprise, replaced immediately by another quizzical frown.
"D'you mean the beginning of you getting together with Leia? Since Endor?"
Just a few short months, was what Luke was asking. It would be a let-out clause for them both. If it was just a few months, then it might turn out to be nothing. Maybe in a few more weeks things would have turned around again and they could put all this behind them. Trouble was, it wasn't true, and Han didn't want a let-out clause in any case. He had no idea what Luke wanted, but if it was the easy answer, he was going to be disappointed.
The intense gaze was back on him, and Han's insides seemed to turn over beneath it. "I meant the real beginning. Since Yavin."
A momentary pause. "Since Yavin? But you've never said even the slightest thing to me..."
"Would you've wanted me to?" Han challenged. "You never showed any sign that it would've been welcome."
"But there was Leia. You were interested in her right from the start."
"You thought about that?"
Luke shrugged. "It seemed pretty obvious."
Han ignored the comment, because now he had questions of his own. "If I ask you something will you give me a straight answer?"
"If I can."
"So - you're already giving yourself an excuse for not giving me one?"
"Don't twist my words round."
"Yes or no, Luke?" Han demanded.
"Why don't you just get on and ask it, then you'll find out."
"Okay... Look, if there hadn't been Leia-"
"But there was," Luke interrupted.
"You told me to get on and ask, but you're already making it difficult and I've not even finished," Han said with exasperation.
Luke held up a hand in apology. "Sorry."
Han tried again. "If you hadn't thought I was interested in Leia, would you ever have..., I mean would you have thought that... maybe you'd, well...?"
There was another delay before Luke replied. "Is that the question? And I'm supposed to give you a straight answer?"
"Well, maybe I didn't put it very well," Han muttered.
"That would be one way of looking at it."
"I think you probably know what I'm trying to say, so help me out a bit here. I'm fallin' over myself tryin' to be tactful."
Luke gave a small sigh. "I think I know what you're trying to say, but I don't see how I can give you a simple answer."
"Why not?"
"Because it's just not simple is it?"
"Not if you've got anything to do with it."
"I'm not trying to get out of answering it," Luke insisted. "Okay, going all the way back to Yavin, and maybe even the earliest days on Hoth, if you'd shown any interest I might've been interested back."
"Only might've been?"
"Yes. Back then, I never really knew what you thought of me, deep down. I guess I thought maybe you didn't take me that seriously. You saw me as some idealistic dreamer with a lot of nonsense in my head. If you'd said anything to me then, I don't know if I'd have really believed you."
"Great - so you didn't trust me much back then?"
"That's not what I said."
"Sounded like that to me. But you've got a funny way of looking at things."
"What d'you mean by that?"
"You don't think much of yourself do you?"
Luke shrugged, looking puzzled.
"You say 'idealistic' like I use it as a swear word. Yeah, you were idealistic, and you still are, but I don't see anything wrong in that. And you don't think any of that rubbed off on me at all? That maybe you showed me some things are worth stickin' around for? Listen Luke - you came straight from the farm, and your next stop was the Death Star. And you took it like a walk in the park. Then you go into battle in a ship you've never flown before, watch as everyone around you gets blasted to the stars, and never once questioned your convictions. And you thought I didn't take you seriously?"
Luke gave Han a smile that caused further rearrangement of Han's insides. "I'm saying I was pretty naïve back then. I don't see things like that now. And I've always trusted you."
Han shook his head. "I didn't see you as naïve, but you'd never been off Tatooine. You just didn't know what was out there. But it wouldn't have made any difference if you'd known what you were up against. You'd have done it all anyway."
"You were with me for most of it."
"Yeah. It's what I'm tryin' to tell you. But you've not given me much of an answer yet have you?"
"No, I... Actually, we're getting some attention," Luke murmured.
Han looked up and met the curious gaze of a nearby table of off-duty pilots. They looked away quickly, but their interest was evident. Han didn't recognize any of them, but knew from experience it didn't work the other way round. He was only sitting next to Luke, and he hadn't said anything conclusive, even if they could've heard him properly, which he doubted. But body language was something else, and clearly the group had seen something to make them pay attention.
It was only a matter of days before most of the galaxy heard the news that Han Solo and Princess Leia Organa had split up, and the last thing any of them needed was a whole load of speculative and lurid comment over the Holonet on just how close he was to Luke Skywalker. He didn't really care about himself, people could say what they liked and be damned. But he did care that Leia would be hurt by it, because anything reported was always grossly distorted, and the gossip channels would like nothing better than to home in on the fact that Han would appear to have wasted no time whatsoever in finding someone else.
Also, he didn't want to inflict on Luke any more unwanted publicity. Luke was news wherever he went in any case, but he'd have more than enough to deal with once the truth about Vader finally became public.
"Shall we settle up and get out of here?" Han suggested.
"I'll do it," Luke said, standing up and reaching for his jacket. "See you outside."
Wandering off down the winding streets of the old town they headed away, by tacit agreement, from where they'd left the speeder. The night air was mild and welcome after the heat of the tavern. They had no desire to rush back to the overcrowded base.
"Doesn't it get on your goddamn nerves - always being in the spotlight? Feels like you can't move sometimes without someone watching."
Luke smiled. "I know what you mean. When this gets out, it's gonna be hard for a while, but people will soon forget all about it and find something else to talk about."
"Yeah. Makes you wonder why they wanna bother in the first place."
"You're celebrities. Heroes of the Rebellion," Luke replied dryly. "Means you don't get to have a private life anymore. At least, not one you don't share with half the galaxy."
"I just wish there was some way I could stop Leia having to go through it."
"Short of putting on a whole pretense that you've not split up, I don't think there is. All it'll take is one word of gossip getting out, and it'll be leading news. Anyway, I think Leia will handle it better than you think. She's more used to public life."
"So if we put a brave face on it we'll all emerge unscathed," Han said with weary self-mockery.
"Don't blame yourself for the publicity. You still have to carry on living your life, and trying not to let them bother you."
"Can't be easy for you either," Han pointed out. "You get some weird reactions wherever you go."
"A lot of people have strong views about the Jedi, even if they've never met one before. Anyway, this is nothing - wait till the news about Vader gets out."
"D'you want it to?" Han asked.
Luke gave a small grimace. "I don't know. I don't like living under this secret all the time. It feels like it's gonna shatter and come crashing down on me. And it's like we're saying we don't trust people enough to know the truth."
"Trouble is, we dunno if we can."
"Yeah, I know. But it's like Mon Mothma says, if we hide it away, people will think we've got a more sinister agenda."
"You'll have everyone behind you - the people that matter I mean."
"I'll still have to prove I'm not a threat. That's why I need to make sure I do the right thing. Make the right decisions."
So they were back round to that again, and Han sighed inwardly at the unease this conversation always induced in him. Just lately, even before the break-up with Leia, it had begun to feel as though he was walking on sand. That his life had become shifting and impermanent. The irony of it was that his life had been like that before he'd got involved with the Rebel Alliance, and that was just how he'd liked it. Never knowing what the next day would bring. No real plans, no home, no ties. Just him and Chewie and open space.
Before Endor, he'd thought he'd known just where he stood. But this latest turning point in his life disturbed him. It'd be easy if it was only his options for the future that were the problem. But it wasn't - it was everyone else's. Because they'd all reached this same point, where they were looking back on what they'd done and wondering where they went from here. It was unsettling and Han knew he didn't like it, even though he'd been expecting it from Luke the very evening he'd returned to them on Endor.
They walked along in silence, preoccupied with their respective thoughts. Instinctively, they headed away from built-up areas in an unconscious wish for privacy. The ground grew increasingly irregular as they left the streets behind them, and around them now were the rough stone walls of Jira's outer limits.
Han walked on ahead to look over one of the walls. Below it, the ground banked steeply, but it was impossible to see much beyond a dense shadowy drop to the open plains beneath the town. In the distance he could make out the lights of the military base, several miles away.
"Funny to think of 'em all over there," he said. Luke had joined him at the wall, and together they looked out across the dark expanse.
Luke threw him a glance. "D'you wanna head back before we get completely lost?"
"We won't," Han said confidently, peering at their surroundings. It should've been straightforward, looking back towards the way they'd come, but Han now found it impossible to distinguish one rough track from another. "Course, it might be too late for that," he added.
"It might be," Luke agreed.
"You know, we seem to be spending a lot of our time these days standing around old walls."
"Not just standing."
"Yeah, well, about that..." Han muttered. "I sorta hoped, tonight, we'd get to talk more. Seems like we've not said very much, and I want you to know I feel bad about it. It shouldn't have happened."
"There's nothing to feel bad about. And I wanted to talk more too. But we don't have to rush back. We can go find another bar if you like - somewhere more off the beaten track."
"I think we're a bit off the beaten track already."
Luke smiled but said nothing, and Han guessed he was waiting for the question Han had been trying to ask all evening.
He asked it suddenly, impatient with his own reticence. After all, it had been in his mind since Luke had left him standing by the old training ground wall that afternoon. "Why didn't you push me away?"
A small hesitation, then, "Why would I?"
Han gave a small sigh of frustration. "You never answer my questions - just throw another one back at me. Maybe you should've done."
"Why?"
" 'Cause then I'd know exactly how you feel. Instead, I'm pretty clueless. Feels like I'm stumblin' around in the dark."
Luke ran a hand through his hair, a small frown creasing his brow. "I know I haven't given you any proper answers. It's just that it's so difficult to explain."
"How about if you just try."
Luke hoisted himself up to sit on the wall - probably to give himself a few seconds to think. "It's like I said earlier, about the first days on Hoth. I wasn't sure what I would've done. Later on, before Bespin, I do know. But things were much more straightforward then. There were no hidden agendas to everything. At least, I didn't realize there were. Then after Endor, everything was suddenly much easier than I'd expected, because there was Leia."
"I've got no idea what you're talking about," Han admitted. "What was much easier?"
"It made it easy for me because you were with Leia."
"I still don't understand, and I don't get what you mean by hidden agendas. My hidden agendas?"
Luke's reply came back with a kind of hurried intensity, as if he was trying to convey the meaning of his puzzling words through the tone of his voice. "No, not yours. I meant those where others could manipulate my feelings. People like Vader, and the Emperor. And it's like I've told you before - I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know if I should be planning to spend it alone. I don't know if those old Jedi rules Mon Mothma was talking about were there for this reason. I don't know whether these feelings either shouldn't exist, or I should be capable of moving past them. I don't know whether I showed I'd thrown aside what the Emperor said was inside me, or whether I just showed it was there all along. I don't know if I'd proved something to him, or he'd proved something to me."
Han moved up to Luke swiftly, placing a firm grip on one of his arms.
"The only thing the Emperor proved to you was that he had no idea what true strength is. And it's got nothing to do with the sick, fucking mind games he was playing with you." His words came out rough and angry, and he knew the pressure of his fingers on Luke's arm would be close to painful, but he couldn't help himself. Something in Luke's words had stirred the now familiar, simmering anxiety he had inside, that something was about to change irrevocably.
"It was you who proved things - and maybe you're right about some of it if you're talkin' about the anger," he continued. "But that's only a tiny part of what you showed him. And we've been through this before, but I'm gonna say it again. We've all got some sorta darkness in us, and you can call it what you like. Anger, fear, jealousy - whatever. For most of us it just stays that way 'cause we can't turn it into something else. But you can. It's a fact, 'n we both know it. The point is, you recognized it, and that's the difference. It's when you can't see it - that's when you're in trouble."
Luke looked back at him levelly. "Not everyone has your degree of trust. And there's so much I don't know. Yoda was right - in a way that he didn't really mean at the time. It's now a part of me that is dominant in some respects, and that's because I've felt it."
"It doesn't dominate you at all," Han insisted.
"Not in the way you're thinking. But it's a part of my thoughts. Whether you accept it or not, I did step over that line."
"I do accept it! Like I accept everything about you. It's you who's gotta accept it in the right way. You're the strongest person I know. And you face anythin' that's thrown at you."
"Do I?" Luke asked. He stared at Han for a long moment. "Are you counting this afternoon?"
Han looked down, releasing Luke at the same time. He turned to the side, resting one hip against the wall.
"Yeah. Even that."
"So why don't you ask me again why I didn't push you away?"
"You reckon I need to? Don't I have the answer already? It's just not your way is it? Like I said, you'll face anythin' without flinching."
"It was because I didn't want to."
Han fixed him with a curious stare. "Why not?"
"Because I care about you."
"Care about me? I care about Lando, but I wouldn't want him kissing me."
Luke gave a soft laugh. "We go round and round and round with this don't we? Questioning and counter-questioning each other's words till neither of us have got a clue what the other's talking about."
"At least I try to make sense. Gettin' a simple answer out of you is worse than getting a short answer out of Goldenrod."
"Because there isn't one. I'm as confused as you are! I've not got it all straight in my own mind, let alone be able to make it clear to you."
"But you care about me huh? Is that care about me in that you don't wanna hurt my feelings, care about me 'cause I'm a good friend, or care about me in some other way you've not told me about?"
"All those ways. Except I have told you, really."
"So explain it to me again, 'cause I must've missed it the first time."
"You don't make things easy do you?"
"And you do?"
"I guess not," Luke smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry. I'll try to make it clearer." He shifted slightly on the wall. "Sometime between Yavin and Hoth, I just accepted that I'd read you wrong." He touched Han briefly on the arm, effectively forestalling Han's indignant response. "Let me explain properly before you yell at me. I know you didn't think any of the things I said before. You've already told me. And it was never a definite feeling anyway. But when we were on Hoth, I'd cast all that aside, and, well... yes, I would've wanted to be with you if things had been different. But Leia was in love with you, and you seemed to feel the same way."
"Then things changed again after Cloud City?" Han asked gruffly.
"I changed. I made so many discoveries about myself, and nothing seemed the same anymore. Everything had got more dangerous. Vader was using you, Leia and Chewie to get to me. I hadn't really seen it before, but after that I understood exactly what it meant to be in the situation I was in. I knew I had to keep you all separate from that struggle with Vader and the Emperor. But it didn't work out because I couldn't do it. I still can't do it. But at least when you were with Leia, there was never any possibility of acting on those feelings - because I couldn't. That's what I meant by it being easier then."
"What feelings?" Han pulled away from the wall, twisted round again to face Luke. He rested his hands on top of the wall, one on either side of Luke.
"Han..."
"What feelings?" Han demanded again.
Luke lifted a hand, touched his fingers to Han's cheek. "They're probably something like yours."
"I don't think so."
"Then you should think again."
"What - you're tellin' me you love me?" Han asked, unable to keep the skepticism from his voice.
"Of course I love you."
"But not like that."
Luke traced the edge of Han's cheekbone with his fingertips. "Yes, like that," he said.
Han stared at him, confounded, then took hold of the hand at his face, linking his fingers with Luke's. "And now you're gonna tell me it's wrong. That we can't do this to Leia. And that it's a bad idea 'cause you might wanna go off and be alone to satisfy some perverse instinct for self-denial."
"We can't just forget about Leia and ignore her feelings. You don't want to do that any more than I do. And you already know all the other things I've told you. I'm not gonna say them again, but they won't just go away."
"And I've told you, I don't want protecting from you," Han replied. "And that's the real issue ain't it? The other things... Leia... it's a matter of time. But I know you won't make any promises, so I'm gonna make one instead. I'm gonna prove to you that you're already doing the right things."
"What would you want me to promise?"
"Hell, I don't know. I only know what I want."
"What do you want?"
Han studied Luke's face, shadowy in the pale light from the moon. "Too much," he said. And when Luke didn't reply, he gave an abrupt shake of his head, not really knowing what he wanted to happen. Just for the conversation to be over maybe. Perhaps for them to give it up, go home, go back to sitting on the edge and wondering if things could ever have been different. Anything but this endless game of words.
Yet a sharp flare of aggression held him there when he should've backed off, especially after Luke had more-or-less told him to forget it.
"Everything. I want everything." His eyes, flashing with anger at his own lack of restraint, held Luke's. "But you never want anything do you?"
Luke stared back at him. "Yes I do," he said quietly.
The words chased away the anger as quickly as it had flared up, leaving a different, tense, stillness in Han. It was a moment before he spoke. "So why don't you do something about it?"
Luke reached out with his free hand, sliding it around the back of Han's neck. A small, quiet breath escaped him, and his hand exerted a slight but unmistakable pressure as he leaned down.
Han moved towards him, all his unformed resolutions to hold back fleeing instantaneously into the night air. Whatever he'd begun to tell himself about demanding nothing and accepting all Luke's caution was forgotten the moment Luke's lips met his, this time with full awareness that made itself heard in the sound Luke made. It wasn't much, something halfway between a sigh and a moan, coming from deep inside. But for Han, it echoed precisely the same feeling that had burned for so long within him and he reacted to it instinctively, his hands moving up to frame Luke's face, deepening the kiss, searching out unequivocal answers to all the questions he hadn't yet asked.
It wasn't uncertainty that made Han start to pull away, but the simple desire to see Luke's face. But the instant he moved back, Luke's grip tightened in protest, his response a rough entreaty that made Han's breath catch in his throat.
"Don't go yet."
Han locked eyes with him. "I'm not goin' anywhere."
Then Luke moved, half sliding and half climbing down from the wall, his hands pulling Han up against him. They fell back awkwardly against the wall, and then Han's mouth was on Luke's again, his kisses turning intent and hungry.
To Han it felt like everything inside him was altering - all the suppressed desire and self-imposed denial of the past years reforming itself into a furious form of need that tore through him. He acted impulsively, kissing Luke all over his face, across his eyes and in his hair. He moved his lips down to beneath Luke's jaw, grazed his teeth across Luke's neck, closed his eyes as Luke groaned aloud.
It was everything he wanted, and everything he couldn't have. He knew he had to stop but didn't know how to. And as Luke's hands tightened in his hair, Han understood that they were each relying on the other to end it. Because Leia still stood between them, along with all the hurt they could inflict on her. It was far too soon and the guilt too new, and he owed it to Luke to regain some control.
But something else was taking over. Something that made him push up harder against Luke, driving the breath from Luke's lungs and pinning him tightly against the wall. And when that same something sent his hands to reach for the fastenings of Luke's tunic, he found his fingers tangled up with Luke's.
Luke's palms, hot against his skin, raised shivers that crawled across his body and almost made him forget what he knew he must do. Then he chased the thought even further away by fastening his mouth to Luke's throat and sliding his hands inside Luke's tunic.
Everything he felt was here, in the building heat within him and the way Luke moved against him. He pressed hard, hungry kisses to exposed skin, each touch of his lips pushing him one step closer to going too far. But as he moved his lips lower and felt all sensations turn acute, he finally tore himself away.
They stood there for a long moment, staring at each other, startled into silence by the raw strength of such abrupt, consuming desire.
Then Luke reached out, pulling Han towards him, but gently this time - both of them full of an aching awareness that anything more would have felt like a betrayal. Even if Leia had openly stated her acceptance of the way they felt, all three of them needed more distance to see things clearly.
Han buried his face in Luke's neck, breathing in the combined scent of Luke's hair and Luke's skin. He drew a deep, ragged breath and his muffled words reflected the tumult in his mind and the single-minded response of his body. "Gods, Luke."
When Han raised his head he brushed his fingers across Luke's lips, saying nothing because they'd said it all already. Luke smiled back at him and Han couldn't look away.
They stayed there, huddled against the wall, for a moment that stretched into many minutes, hearing the calls of nocturnal creatures, and watching the still-strange constellations of the night sky growing brighter as the darkness deepened.
Eventually, Han moved, drawing the edges of Luke's tunic together and searching for the fasteners with careful concentration.
When he'd finished he glanced around him at the rough landscape, its features leached of all color and barely visible in the moonlight. Soft beams of light caught tufts of grass and scattered stones from field walls. The track they'd walked along had all but vanished, but the glow from Jira's settlement would help to guide them.
"Let's find our way back, huh?" he said.
Luke nodded, the movement only just noticeable in the deep shadow in which he stood, and his cryptic reply so quiet that Han strained to hear it.
"We can find our way home, but I don't know if we can find our way back."
chapter 9