I'm not that girl...

[cassiopeiablack]

He has a girlfriend. He fucking has a girlfriend and didn't feel the need to tell me. I had to find out on facebook while trying to post something on his wall. We talk every single day for hours, how could he have not told me? This is the first time I have ever cried over a boy, this first time I have ever felt this crushed. I don't know what hurts more, the fact he is dating someone else (when he told me that relationships are evil) or that he didn't feel the need to tell me himself. I have told him things that only a few select people in the world know about me, and even some of them only know because they were there. Before anyone asks, no, I'm not going to elaborate on that. I thought we could trust eachother completely. Apparently not. I still haven't said anything to him about it, even that I know. I'm trying to wait until we actually see eachother or until I stop crying like a baby over it. Now more than ever I just want to pack my fucking bags and run away, just go somewhere where no one knows me, I can start fresh. And no this isn't just because J hurt me so bad. It's been building up for quite some time now, and that just tipped the scales. He's the only thing keeping me sane right now since I've been sick. And now I can't even think about him without either getting extremely pissed or balling my eyes out. But of course, being the lame ass that I am, I'll keep pretending that nothing has changed with him, even though everything has. I'm just lost. Damn do I want to just hit the road and not look back. Or if I can't runnaway, I at least want to drink until I can't even remember his name. But of course, I have pancreatitus again so that means not one drop of booze can pass my lips without making me want to cry even more. The worst part is despite how bad I feel right now and how angry I am at him, I know that I'll still talk to J as soon as he signs on to the messenger we use. I can't help it, I think I may have accidentally fallen in love with him over these past few months. Its the only reason I can think of that it hurts this bad.

Until next time,
CB

PS~ For those of you who don't know me, I would like to add that I am legally allowed to drink. I would not promote underage drinking on this blog.