Fic: Hold My Silence (chap 2)
Title: Hold My Silence
Author: casy_dee
Rating: T
Characters/Pairing: Connor/Abby
Spoiler: Series 3
Warning: Angst, mentions of abuse
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Abby has secrets in her past, but is it right to keep them there? Can Connor accept it? Set in the Cretaceous...
Part: 2/?
Chapter one is here
Chapter Two of Hold My Silence is Behind The Cut
Chapter Two
She had to say it now. If she let it lie, let the moment fade, she knew they would greet the morning as if nothing passed between them. An unsaid understanding between them both… they didn't speak about such things. The moment would die, and she would lock this down deeper and tighter and she would push him away even farther. When would it finally be too far for him to endure? She already asked too much of him, and Connor never pushed. Not ever, not even when he should. Some day it would be too much.
He had been different with her once. He had secured his residency in her flat by way of blackmail, and had flirted with her constantly in his awkward way. Huddle together for warmth, indeed! It still made her smile. She had gotten so used to rebuffing his advances that it came as a shock to her when she finally realized that he had stopped making them. Something had changed in their relationship, and she hadn't even noticed it. He was still clearly enamored of her, but he quit acting on it. She supposed as many times as she had shut him down, or looked outright disgusted by any inference that they could be a couple, she shouldn't be surprised. They got mistaken for a couple so often that 'he's not my boyfriend' or 'as if' usually flew out of her mouth before she had even realized it.
And then along came Caroline. She tried to ignore the twisted oily feeling in her gut when she saw Connor with her. She told herself it was because she didn't trust her and she was just worried for her mate, and she said it often enough that she almost believed it. After Caroline had half-frozen Rex, she had a legitimate reason to dislike her, and it made her feel better about it. She never had to face that it might just be jealousy.
And then Abby had been taken by the Mer, and Connor had come for her. He saved her, refused to let her go even if it meant he would die, too. He said he loved her… and then he said he couldn't remember saying anything.
She would have listened to him that day. It was one of those crystalline moments… like the one they were in now… but she had fostered too much fear in him. He couldn't speak the words, and she convinced herself she didn't hear them. She might have even told him everything that day, she might have taken a chance on him… but the moment was gone. Caroline came and took him away from her again, and she hated her. The walls went back up, higher than before. He dumped Caroline, but the damage had been done. She should have felt vindicated when Connor found out that Caroline had been paid to pick him up, but she just felt horrible.
The hurt and betrayal behind Connor's eyes had made her want to rip out Caroline's heart and feed it to her. Connor had covered it well; she was proud of him. Caroline's little comment about Rex though, that was a step too far. To hurt a helpless animal… and then to hurt Connor like that… Connor? Sweet and easygoing Connor, who believed the best out of everyone… it felt good to hit her.
She turned around one day and realized she had come to view Connor as more than her mate. She was on the verge of acting on it when along came Jack and all the demons of her past. She kicked Connor out of the flat and their relationship turned tense and strained. It was awkward when they talked, neither one of them quite knowing what to say. He asked her if she missed him (a bold move for Connor), and she almost told him the truth. Yes, she missed him. Connor never pushed.
As badly as she had treated him, Connor had still been there for her. He covered for Jack to spare her feelings… and he helped her get Jack home safe. And what had she done as thanks? Accuse him that he would be happy if Jack was dead. God, she had hurt him. It was that same look of raw betrayal she'd seen on his face from Caroline, but this time it was bone deep, and she had been the cause of it. And right afterwards, he had put his life on the line for her again without a moment's hesitation, distracted the predator so she could get away. She couldn't believe that anyone could be as selfless and goodhearted as Connor was.
She had kissed him, moved beyond words by his actions… and then she had walked away when it had overwhelmed her.
She saw hope lit up behind his eyes when she saw him next. She watched his shy smile fade… the light and hope in his face dying when she rejected him yet again. He tried to play it off, and damn her if she didn't let him do it. And Connor didn't push the issue. Of course not. She had hurt him so much, and yet here he was… lying next to her, torn up at the thought that he might have upset her.
If she let this moment pass, it would never come again. They could die tomorrow, and he would never know how much she cared. She couldn't bear it. She had to tell him, and after that, telling him she loved him would come easy.
Terror gripped her, twisted her guts and froze her blood in her veins. She had faced down a raptor with less fear than she felt now. She had promised herself she would never speak it. She would let it die, unspoken forever.
I'm not a victim. She thought.
"I have to tell you something. It's important," Abby said into the silence, her voice rough from disuse.
"Okay," Connor tentatively answered.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She had always been blunt, plainspoken. She believed in getting to the point quickly.
"You need to find someone else to love, Connor. I'm no good for you," she spit out.
He inhaled sharply; he was silent for long moments.
"Do you think I have not tried that?" he asked, his voice coming out strangled and thin.
"Connor…" she began.
"No! Abby, I told you that I don't expect you to love me back. It's okay… I just don't want you to shut me out like this. I'll never mention it again, okay? Just…" he broke off finally, his frantic attempts to placate her dying off in a thready trail.
"Please, Abby," he pleaded.
She shook her head in frustration. It wasn't coming out as she had intended, she was just stabbing at him deeper.
"That's not it at all," she answered softly.
"I don't understand. Tell me, please," he begged.
"I'm sorry I put you out of the flat like that. Jack has had some problems, especially if he forgets his meds. He does things sometimes… bad things. One time, I woke up at night and he was standing over me with a kitchen knife in his hand. He might have stabbed me if I hadn't have been so quick to move out of the way. He was sleeping, see. He didn't realize it was me, and he'd forgotten his pills that day. He's better about it now, but I couldn't have you there, Connor. I couldn't take the chance," Abby explained haltingly.
"What's wrong with him?" Connor asked, his voice laden with disquiet.
"Same thing that's wrong with me, likely," Abby answered frankly.
He started to shift so he could face her, but she stilled him with a hand on his chest, "Don't."
She couldn't do this if he was looking at her. It was hard enough as it was.
"Abby, there is nothing wrong with you," Connor argued.
"There is… and that's part of what I need to tell you," she replied softly.
She begun to speak, and when she did it was as if the floodgates spilled wide open. She heard herself speaking… her voice flat and empty. She told it as if she was telling someone else's story; she was talking about someone else's life. In the beginning, it worked.
Abby's mum and dad had problems. They argued a lot, and they drank even more than they argued. Then the drinking caused more arguments… she remembered blood on the floor. It was the first time he hit her where she and Jack could see it. Jack had thrown himself at their father and he had been swatted down in an instant. His blood went on the floor, too. Lots of times they didn't eat, and Jack started having bruises more often. Then one day Dad didn't come home. Mum said he was in jail, he had started selling drugs and he got caught. Mum got worse.
She began to bring men home, and some of them were nice to her and Jack. Some of them weren't. She learned to go hide when they came, because she was getting older and they were looking at her differently now. One day her mum told her that her dad died in jail. He was a phantom figure in her mind by this time. She remembered shrugging and asking if she could have money to go buy bread. Mum had said no. She remembered the 'no' more clearly than she remembered her dad.
Her mum met another man, eventually. One that stayed more than a night. She married him, and he was worse than all the others combined.
Connor was listening, and he had yet to speak a word. She chanced a quick glance in his direction to see if he was disgusted by her history. If this bothered him, she would stop. She wouldn't tell him the rest. Connor was still, his jaw clenching and unclenching, his mouth a firm line. He looked… angry? Why?
"Connor? Should I stop?" she asked, coming back to herself somewhat in the face of his distress.
"How could they do it? Their own children? How can you hurt a child?" he bit out, enraged at the mere thought of it.
"I don't know Connor. They were both doing drugs at the end. They weren't even the same people anymore. I shouldn't have started this… it was stupid, it doesn't matter," Abby retracted.
She would drop it here. She should have never started. This was a mistake. If this had bothered him, then he couldn't stomach the rest of it, and she couldn't tell him about that…her stupid little secret… without wading through the rest of it.
"Please, Abby."
TBC
A/N: *Ducks* I know… it's coming. Next chapter, honest.
Okay so Jack… had to give some reason why she wouldn't just ask Connor (or Jack) to sleep on the couch (besides Abby being an insensitive bitch)
Please do review if you like or hate my humble story? Placate the muse? Makes her write faster…. *grins*
Author: casy_dee
Rating: T
Characters/Pairing: Connor/Abby
Spoiler: Series 3
Warning: Angst, mentions of abuse
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Abby has secrets in her past, but is it right to keep them there? Can Connor accept it? Set in the Cretaceous...
Part: 2/?
Chapter one is here
Chapter Two of Hold My Silence is Behind The Cut
Chapter Two
She had to say it now. If she let it lie, let the moment fade, she knew they would greet the morning as if nothing passed between them. An unsaid understanding between them both… they didn't speak about such things. The moment would die, and she would lock this down deeper and tighter and she would push him away even farther. When would it finally be too far for him to endure? She already asked too much of him, and Connor never pushed. Not ever, not even when he should. Some day it would be too much.
He had been different with her once. He had secured his residency in her flat by way of blackmail, and had flirted with her constantly in his awkward way. Huddle together for warmth, indeed! It still made her smile. She had gotten so used to rebuffing his advances that it came as a shock to her when she finally realized that he had stopped making them. Something had changed in their relationship, and she hadn't even noticed it. He was still clearly enamored of her, but he quit acting on it. She supposed as many times as she had shut him down, or looked outright disgusted by any inference that they could be a couple, she shouldn't be surprised. They got mistaken for a couple so often that 'he's not my boyfriend' or 'as if' usually flew out of her mouth before she had even realized it.
And then along came Caroline. She tried to ignore the twisted oily feeling in her gut when she saw Connor with her. She told herself it was because she didn't trust her and she was just worried for her mate, and she said it often enough that she almost believed it. After Caroline had half-frozen Rex, she had a legitimate reason to dislike her, and it made her feel better about it. She never had to face that it might just be jealousy.
And then Abby had been taken by the Mer, and Connor had come for her. He saved her, refused to let her go even if it meant he would die, too. He said he loved her… and then he said he couldn't remember saying anything.
She would have listened to him that day. It was one of those crystalline moments… like the one they were in now… but she had fostered too much fear in him. He couldn't speak the words, and she convinced herself she didn't hear them. She might have even told him everything that day, she might have taken a chance on him… but the moment was gone. Caroline came and took him away from her again, and she hated her. The walls went back up, higher than before. He dumped Caroline, but the damage had been done. She should have felt vindicated when Connor found out that Caroline had been paid to pick him up, but she just felt horrible.
The hurt and betrayal behind Connor's eyes had made her want to rip out Caroline's heart and feed it to her. Connor had covered it well; she was proud of him. Caroline's little comment about Rex though, that was a step too far. To hurt a helpless animal… and then to hurt Connor like that… Connor? Sweet and easygoing Connor, who believed the best out of everyone… it felt good to hit her.
She turned around one day and realized she had come to view Connor as more than her mate. She was on the verge of acting on it when along came Jack and all the demons of her past. She kicked Connor out of the flat and their relationship turned tense and strained. It was awkward when they talked, neither one of them quite knowing what to say. He asked her if she missed him (a bold move for Connor), and she almost told him the truth. Yes, she missed him. Connor never pushed.
As badly as she had treated him, Connor had still been there for her. He covered for Jack to spare her feelings… and he helped her get Jack home safe. And what had she done as thanks? Accuse him that he would be happy if Jack was dead. God, she had hurt him. It was that same look of raw betrayal she'd seen on his face from Caroline, but this time it was bone deep, and she had been the cause of it. And right afterwards, he had put his life on the line for her again without a moment's hesitation, distracted the predator so she could get away. She couldn't believe that anyone could be as selfless and goodhearted as Connor was.
She had kissed him, moved beyond words by his actions… and then she had walked away when it had overwhelmed her.
She saw hope lit up behind his eyes when she saw him next. She watched his shy smile fade… the light and hope in his face dying when she rejected him yet again. He tried to play it off, and damn her if she didn't let him do it. And Connor didn't push the issue. Of course not. She had hurt him so much, and yet here he was… lying next to her, torn up at the thought that he might have upset her.
If she let this moment pass, it would never come again. They could die tomorrow, and he would never know how much she cared. She couldn't bear it. She had to tell him, and after that, telling him she loved him would come easy.
Terror gripped her, twisted her guts and froze her blood in her veins. She had faced down a raptor with less fear than she felt now. She had promised herself she would never speak it. She would let it die, unspoken forever.
I'm not a victim. She thought.
"I have to tell you something. It's important," Abby said into the silence, her voice rough from disuse.
"Okay," Connor tentatively answered.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She had always been blunt, plainspoken. She believed in getting to the point quickly.
"You need to find someone else to love, Connor. I'm no good for you," she spit out.
He inhaled sharply; he was silent for long moments.
"Do you think I have not tried that?" he asked, his voice coming out strangled and thin.
"Connor…" she began.
"No! Abby, I told you that I don't expect you to love me back. It's okay… I just don't want you to shut me out like this. I'll never mention it again, okay? Just…" he broke off finally, his frantic attempts to placate her dying off in a thready trail.
"Please, Abby," he pleaded.
She shook her head in frustration. It wasn't coming out as she had intended, she was just stabbing at him deeper.
"That's not it at all," she answered softly.
"I don't understand. Tell me, please," he begged.
"I'm sorry I put you out of the flat like that. Jack has had some problems, especially if he forgets his meds. He does things sometimes… bad things. One time, I woke up at night and he was standing over me with a kitchen knife in his hand. He might have stabbed me if I hadn't have been so quick to move out of the way. He was sleeping, see. He didn't realize it was me, and he'd forgotten his pills that day. He's better about it now, but I couldn't have you there, Connor. I couldn't take the chance," Abby explained haltingly.
"What's wrong with him?" Connor asked, his voice laden with disquiet.
"Same thing that's wrong with me, likely," Abby answered frankly.
He started to shift so he could face her, but she stilled him with a hand on his chest, "Don't."
She couldn't do this if he was looking at her. It was hard enough as it was.
"Abby, there is nothing wrong with you," Connor argued.
"There is… and that's part of what I need to tell you," she replied softly.
She begun to speak, and when she did it was as if the floodgates spilled wide open. She heard herself speaking… her voice flat and empty. She told it as if she was telling someone else's story; she was talking about someone else's life. In the beginning, it worked.
Abby's mum and dad had problems. They argued a lot, and they drank even more than they argued. Then the drinking caused more arguments… she remembered blood on the floor. It was the first time he hit her where she and Jack could see it. Jack had thrown himself at their father and he had been swatted down in an instant. His blood went on the floor, too. Lots of times they didn't eat, and Jack started having bruises more often. Then one day Dad didn't come home. Mum said he was in jail, he had started selling drugs and he got caught. Mum got worse.
She began to bring men home, and some of them were nice to her and Jack. Some of them weren't. She learned to go hide when they came, because she was getting older and they were looking at her differently now. One day her mum told her that her dad died in jail. He was a phantom figure in her mind by this time. She remembered shrugging and asking if she could have money to go buy bread. Mum had said no. She remembered the 'no' more clearly than she remembered her dad.
Her mum met another man, eventually. One that stayed more than a night. She married him, and he was worse than all the others combined.
Connor was listening, and he had yet to speak a word. She chanced a quick glance in his direction to see if he was disgusted by her history. If this bothered him, she would stop. She wouldn't tell him the rest. Connor was still, his jaw clenching and unclenching, his mouth a firm line. He looked… angry? Why?
"Connor? Should I stop?" she asked, coming back to herself somewhat in the face of his distress.
"How could they do it? Their own children? How can you hurt a child?" he bit out, enraged at the mere thought of it.
"I don't know Connor. They were both doing drugs at the end. They weren't even the same people anymore. I shouldn't have started this… it was stupid, it doesn't matter," Abby retracted.
She would drop it here. She should have never started. This was a mistake. If this had bothered him, then he couldn't stomach the rest of it, and she couldn't tell him about that…her stupid little secret… without wading through the rest of it.
"Please, Abby."
TBC
A/N: *Ducks* I know… it's coming. Next chapter, honest.
Okay so Jack… had to give some reason why she wouldn't just ask Connor (or Jack) to sleep on the couch (besides Abby being an insensitive bitch)
Please do review if you like or hate my humble story? Placate the muse? Makes her write faster…. *grins*