Thinkings.
It's a little after 6 in the morning. I was up before the sun, as is my routine these days. I was more awake for it this morning, for some reason that I can't pin down. It's up now, though the sky is mostly gray, interspersed with islands of blue in the cloudbreak. It's warm but breezy, and only a few people move around in the parking lot that the porch I'm sitting on overlooks.
I'm not going to work today. I don't have the gas, nor do I have any money to spare. I don't have anything but pocket change to my name at the moment. Thankfully, I do have vacation time, and both I and Robert get paid this weekend. Funny, I -wanted- to go to work today. I feel bad that I had to call out.
But none of that is the point of this entry.
Maybe it's just that I'm very tired, but I feel like thinking. It seems I've been running along on auto-pilot for a while. Existing in some buzzing hum of consciousness where not a lot filters through. People always say things about just taking it a day at a time or just trying to get by. I feel as though that's what I've been doing, and I'm not sure that I like it. Because I haven't really been putting much effort even into that. "There's more to living than only surviving." And who's song lyric that is escapes me just now.
I want to write more. I need to. Real writing. If I spent half as much time doing that as I do other things, I'd have a couple of books by now.
I've been thinking, and I've come to a hypothesis that it's easy for me to let people go. Easier than it is for most. It's not that I don't let them in, because I do. I think, through moving around so much as a kid, I trained myself just to . . . move on. It was less torturous that way. I know circles of friends naturally rotate and come and go, especially during one's teenage years. With a few exceptions, once a friendship was over, I haven't mourned it for very long.
Sometimes people are only meant to be there temporarily, I think. Like ripples crossing in a pond, you effect one another at that point in time, and then go on changed. Ripples can't go backwards, so I think You've Changed syndrome makes a lot of sense. We are organic creatures, growing beings, even when we're not getting any taller. To think that the same group of people will be BFF (that's Best Friends Forever . . . a little throwback to girly gradeschool) is impractical. And that's okay, because we're -meant- to change and develop, in so many more ways than society focuses on. That growth isn't always in the direction of our old friends. And there's nothing wrong with that, as we all have to go our own ways and find our own paths and become our own people. Sometimes it's sad, sure, but there are a lot of sad things in life.
Fewer and farther between, however, are those friends you know you can count on forever. That have stood the tests of growth and bad times and years. I have only one or two of those. Those people that just "get" you, y'know? That just get better with time.
We've all been bad people, at one point or another. There's no such thing as a completely clean record. And you can learn from it, you can move on, you can even justify it to yourself, you can try to atone, there are many options. But it's inevitable that it or something else will happen again. No one will ever be "perfect", and striving to be is a fool's quest, I think. Because your "perfect" will never match up with anyone else's. A uniform ideal doesn't exist. And that's wonderful, that's the way it should be. How boring would life be if we all agreed on everything? So what I really want to do, is strive for a comfort zone within myself. One of the best compliments of my life was being told by someone (who always felt like a facade was necessary) that they could relax around me. That I was comfortable. I want to get to that point with me. Then I'll be satisfied.
"I think I'm done
Gunnin' to get closer
To some imagined bliss.
I'm gonna knuckle down
Just be okay with this."
--Ani Difranco, "Knuckle Down"
I'm not going to work today. I don't have the gas, nor do I have any money to spare. I don't have anything but pocket change to my name at the moment. Thankfully, I do have vacation time, and both I and Robert get paid this weekend. Funny, I -wanted- to go to work today. I feel bad that I had to call out.
But none of that is the point of this entry.
Maybe it's just that I'm very tired, but I feel like thinking. It seems I've been running along on auto-pilot for a while. Existing in some buzzing hum of consciousness where not a lot filters through. People always say things about just taking it a day at a time or just trying to get by. I feel as though that's what I've been doing, and I'm not sure that I like it. Because I haven't really been putting much effort even into that. "There's more to living than only surviving." And who's song lyric that is escapes me just now.
I want to write more. I need to. Real writing. If I spent half as much time doing that as I do other things, I'd have a couple of books by now.
I've been thinking, and I've come to a hypothesis that it's easy for me to let people go. Easier than it is for most. It's not that I don't let them in, because I do. I think, through moving around so much as a kid, I trained myself just to . . . move on. It was less torturous that way. I know circles of friends naturally rotate and come and go, especially during one's teenage years. With a few exceptions, once a friendship was over, I haven't mourned it for very long.
Sometimes people are only meant to be there temporarily, I think. Like ripples crossing in a pond, you effect one another at that point in time, and then go on changed. Ripples can't go backwards, so I think You've Changed syndrome makes a lot of sense. We are organic creatures, growing beings, even when we're not getting any taller. To think that the same group of people will be BFF (that's Best Friends Forever . . . a little throwback to girly gradeschool) is impractical. And that's okay, because we're -meant- to change and develop, in so many more ways than society focuses on. That growth isn't always in the direction of our old friends. And there's nothing wrong with that, as we all have to go our own ways and find our own paths and become our own people. Sometimes it's sad, sure, but there are a lot of sad things in life.
Fewer and farther between, however, are those friends you know you can count on forever. That have stood the tests of growth and bad times and years. I have only one or two of those. Those people that just "get" you, y'know? That just get better with time.
We've all been bad people, at one point or another. There's no such thing as a completely clean record. And you can learn from it, you can move on, you can even justify it to yourself, you can try to atone, there are many options. But it's inevitable that it or something else will happen again. No one will ever be "perfect", and striving to be is a fool's quest, I think. Because your "perfect" will never match up with anyone else's. A uniform ideal doesn't exist. And that's wonderful, that's the way it should be. How boring would life be if we all agreed on everything? So what I really want to do, is strive for a comfort zone within myself. One of the best compliments of my life was being told by someone (who always felt like a facade was necessary) that they could relax around me. That I was comfortable. I want to get to that point with me. Then I'll be satisfied.
"I think I'm done
Gunnin' to get closer
To some imagined bliss.
I'm gonna knuckle down
Just be okay with this."
--Ani Difranco, "Knuckle Down"