Catey and Brian
Long entry about me and Brian and all that jazz. It's in a cut, so if you want to read on feel free...if not skip over my journal like it was never even posted :::Grin:::
Five years ago (my freshman year in highschool) I met Brian through Jamie and Jake. I loved him from the first time I talked to him. He was perfect, (and still is perfect) he was goofy, and outgoing but shy at the same time, loving and caring. I felt safe around him the moment I met him. That doesn't happen with many people and me. He gave me this feeling that I had never felt before. Slowly I began to fall in love with him. This scared the shit out of me because as time passed and I was falling in love with him we had also become the best of friends. I was terrified to love him, I didn't want to lose him. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me (and remains to be the best to this day). I always told myself that I wouldn't date a friend because friends are more important then relationships with a silly ole boy. And to top it off I was young (hrm. I guess I'm still young, but I was younger then). It wasn't the right time to be in love with him and something inside of me knew that. So I made the tough decision to pretend like I had no feelings other then friends. Hiding my feelings from him was really hard, he was so good at seeing through me and knowing exactly how I felt. Thankfully not when it came to my love emotions, he didn't pick up on those. It killed me that everytime I knew I got to see him I had to control myself and not make any moves that would show him how I really felt. It killed me that he gave me butterflies in my belly that were so out of control I could almost puke, but I loved them because they were real, and my love for him was real. By my sophomore year we were the very best of friends. I never thought I would be so lucky to have someone that cared so much about me (yea I know, all my other friends cared about me tons and tons, and I was totally aware of this, but Brian's care was different, I don't know why, but it felt different). My feelings for Brian were so strong, and Jake was beginning to tell me that Brian liked me and this made my butterflies even more out of control and crazy. I never believed Jake. I mean how can you, Brian's perfect...he's everything I wanted and needed (and remains to be everything I want and need), good things don't happen to me, I never thought that Brian could like me. So what do I do about this news? Yep, you guessed it, I pretended like I never heard it. And time continued to pass.
January 1st 2001: I made a mistake, I told Brian about the mistake, and my mistake got ten times worse. This day was the hardest thing for me to grasp. In my eyes I was just being a normal kid, and living my life like a kid would. But Brian cared about me and all he wanted was me to be safe. I made a mistake that could have gotten me in trouble or even worse...hurt. The last thing Brian said to me that night (it was actually like early morning, like 2am I'd guess) was "I can't handle this right now." and he was gone. I was terrified. How could I have made such a stupid decission!? Why did I have to ruin the best thing in my life. And was what I did really worth it. Everything raced through my head of what I could do to get him back, or if things would ever be the same between us. It was horrible. I cried myself to sleep that night, and every night after that for about 2 weeks. My brithday on the 7th wasn't really much of a birthday with out him there. He always wished me a happy birthday every month on my fake birthdays and now on my real one he wasn't there to say it. Time passed and I moved on with my life but I never forgot about Brian. His pictures were still on my wall, and I'd smile every time I saw them. His screen names were still on my buddy list, and everytime he would sign on I would open a window to talk to him and chicken out. Not having him in my life was so hard for me. Junior year, was the year I cut myself the most. Junior year was the year I couldn't deal with anything, the smallest little thing set me off, and I would be a mess for days. I had lost my back support, the person who without me saying anything knew exactly what was wrong.
Not talking to Brian went on for about 5 months, it seemed so much longer then that though. One day him and Jake came over and we went to the mall, and I remember feeling nervous about seeing Brian again, and actually thought about not going with them, but the butterflies came back full strength and with that I knew I had to go. I had to be with Brian, I had to get over the past and hope that we had a chance to be best friends again. It was a slow start, a very slow start. After going to the mall with him I only saw him about once a month after that, or even less then that. I didn't talk to him online, or on the phone. It was just if we would cross eachothers paths I would see him. We didn't hang out anymore. Through all of this he was still my best friend, nothing was going to change that...even if he wasnt in my life Brian Kuzma was my best friend!
Senior year came and life continued to move on with out Brian. His pictures remained on the wall, and they still made me smile when I looked at them. I often thought about taking them down so I could stop holding on to the past and accept the fact that he wasn't in my life anymore, but no such luck. I wanted him to be part of my life so bad. I don't remember seeing Brian much during my senior year, I'm almost positive I didn't. I remember finding out that he wasn't living at home anymore, and actually had an appartment with her. When I found this out I wanted to drop to the ground and cry. I remembered that Brian always told me, "if I can ever handle to live with a girl, that's the girl I'm going to end up marrying" At that moment I had lost my chance. As much as the news killed me it eased my heart to know he was happy and doing well. That's all I ever wanted for him, was to be happy and well. I went over to their appartment and watched the Super Bowl with them it was weird to see him with her. I hated it more then anything. I kept a smile on my face, I didn't want him to see I was hurting, I didn't want him to see that I was so insanely jealous of her. What was I thinking I didn't know Brian anymore, how could I be so bitter towards her when she was doing what I wanted, she made him happy. After this super bowl get together Brian and I began talking and seeing eachother a little more often, I even went to visit him at work one day. That next night when I was at work I got a phone call. The number it was from wasn't programmed in my phone but for some reason I knew the number, and I knew the number really well...I checked my voicemail and sure enough it was Brian, telling me that him and her had gotten in a fight and he moved out. I was so excited I didn't know what to do. I honest to god...cried. I felt bad that he had gotten in a fight with her and it was a big enough deal for him to move out. But I was happy, he wasn't going to marry her and I still had a chance to be with him! I later found out that she had seen me visiting Brian and work and this made her very uncomfortable because who would have thougt...she was jealous of me. She was jealous of the friendship Brian and I had, and the fact that Brian loved me! (I didn't know he loved me at this point, but I later found out that, that is why she was jealous of me). So, now I feel bad because I broke them up and could have ruined something that could have been really nice. But FUCK HER, I snapped out of the feel bad thing quick, I knew that if I wanted Brian back in my life it would have to happen soon. We started to hang out more...and one day in particular changed everything...
May 28th 2004: Brian and I were haning out just a normal day (following a really shitty night before, I'm sorry to everyone that enjoyed prom but i honestly thought it sucked hard core). We were sitting in my basement and brian was at the end of the couch and he was getting sleepy so I told him I would drive him home, I leaned over (i think to give him a hug) and before I knew it i was kneeling on the ground and he was kissing me. Well what the flying hell! I freaked out cus in my mind he was still my bestfreind and like I always said "don't date your bestfriend" So I pulled my head away and was like "BRIIIAN!" and I guessed I scared him cus he kept saying he was sorry, little did he know that I was scared out of my mind but totally loved what had just happened. So, I drove him home and sure enough it happened again...we were kissing this time I didn't freak out and I went with it...the butterflies in my belly were going nuts they couldn't sit still. It was the best. Well here comes the next thing...I had to figure out what to do next. Brian and I talked about the kisses, and how we felt about each other, and he left it up to me to decide. Thankfully he went camping that weekend so it gave me time to think about everyhting. On May 31st 2004 Brian, Carrie, and I went to the St. Mary's Fair. I held his hand, and smooched him on the rides, and walking around in the rain. and thats when I knew I was ready. On June 1st 2004 Brian and I officially becaome an "us"
We have been together every day since. The past month was hard for us. We had a real trying time, but that time showed me how thankful I am to have him, and how much I need him in my life. It also showed me that I took for granted how perfect our relationship was (and still is). I learned that just because something is perfect on the outside doesnt mean it is on the inside. I grew so much closer to Brian, and feel like I understand him so much more. As much as I could have lived with out this difficult time, I'm partly glad it happened. You can't take people for granted. Someday you might not have them, and you need to treasure every moment you get to spend with them. I've lost Brian once and I can't have it happen again. So I didn't. I moved past it, I didn't forget about it and I never will, but life moves on, you can't dwell on the past or else the future will stutter and all I want is the future to happen sooner I'm not going to let anything get in the way...
People always say "if you love someone let them go, if they come back to you then it was meant to be." When I used to hear that I'd roll my eyes and be like thats a bunch of horse shit...but honestly with me and Brian it's so true. I loved him with all my heart, and it was hard but after my mistake I had to let him go, I had no choice, but our love for eachother was so strong that just about 2 years later we came back together and i truly believe that we are meant for each other.
I'm so happy he's a part of my life. I'm so happy I got a second chance, I'm so happy that the butterflies still come, I'm so happy that jamie and jake introduced us to eachother. I'm so freaking happy about everything that has ever happened between us. I love my life with Brian, and I look forward to my future with him.
Brian Kuzma, I love you with all my heart and I can't even put in to words what you mean to me. You're my everything, my reason for life, the reason I wake up every morning with a smile on my face. You're what keeps me going day to day, you're the one thats been there for me through thick and thin. You're perfect for me, and I just pray that I make you as happy as you make me. Thank you. I love you.
Now is that a love story for Oprah or what. haha I'm just kidding, but it is a good one. I would write a lot more but it's 12:30 and in 7.5 hours I get to wake up to my loves morning phone call!
Oh and yes...the countdowns:
4 Days till mine and Kyles 19th brithday!
25 Days till Vacation starts with Brian, oh I so can't wait!
Five years ago (my freshman year in highschool) I met Brian through Jamie and Jake. I loved him from the first time I talked to him. He was perfect, (and still is perfect) he was goofy, and outgoing but shy at the same time, loving and caring. I felt safe around him the moment I met him. That doesn't happen with many people and me. He gave me this feeling that I had never felt before. Slowly I began to fall in love with him. This scared the shit out of me because as time passed and I was falling in love with him we had also become the best of friends. I was terrified to love him, I didn't want to lose him. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me (and remains to be the best to this day). I always told myself that I wouldn't date a friend because friends are more important then relationships with a silly ole boy. And to top it off I was young (hrm. I guess I'm still young, but I was younger then). It wasn't the right time to be in love with him and something inside of me knew that. So I made the tough decision to pretend like I had no feelings other then friends. Hiding my feelings from him was really hard, he was so good at seeing through me and knowing exactly how I felt. Thankfully not when it came to my love emotions, he didn't pick up on those. It killed me that everytime I knew I got to see him I had to control myself and not make any moves that would show him how I really felt. It killed me that he gave me butterflies in my belly that were so out of control I could almost puke, but I loved them because they were real, and my love for him was real. By my sophomore year we were the very best of friends. I never thought I would be so lucky to have someone that cared so much about me (yea I know, all my other friends cared about me tons and tons, and I was totally aware of this, but Brian's care was different, I don't know why, but it felt different). My feelings for Brian were so strong, and Jake was beginning to tell me that Brian liked me and this made my butterflies even more out of control and crazy. I never believed Jake. I mean how can you, Brian's perfect...he's everything I wanted and needed (and remains to be everything I want and need), good things don't happen to me, I never thought that Brian could like me. So what do I do about this news? Yep, you guessed it, I pretended like I never heard it. And time continued to pass.
January 1st 2001: I made a mistake, I told Brian about the mistake, and my mistake got ten times worse. This day was the hardest thing for me to grasp. In my eyes I was just being a normal kid, and living my life like a kid would. But Brian cared about me and all he wanted was me to be safe. I made a mistake that could have gotten me in trouble or even worse...hurt. The last thing Brian said to me that night (it was actually like early morning, like 2am I'd guess) was "I can't handle this right now." and he was gone. I was terrified. How could I have made such a stupid decission!? Why did I have to ruin the best thing in my life. And was what I did really worth it. Everything raced through my head of what I could do to get him back, or if things would ever be the same between us. It was horrible. I cried myself to sleep that night, and every night after that for about 2 weeks. My brithday on the 7th wasn't really much of a birthday with out him there. He always wished me a happy birthday every month on my fake birthdays and now on my real one he wasn't there to say it. Time passed and I moved on with my life but I never forgot about Brian. His pictures were still on my wall, and I'd smile every time I saw them. His screen names were still on my buddy list, and everytime he would sign on I would open a window to talk to him and chicken out. Not having him in my life was so hard for me. Junior year, was the year I cut myself the most. Junior year was the year I couldn't deal with anything, the smallest little thing set me off, and I would be a mess for days. I had lost my back support, the person who without me saying anything knew exactly what was wrong.
Not talking to Brian went on for about 5 months, it seemed so much longer then that though. One day him and Jake came over and we went to the mall, and I remember feeling nervous about seeing Brian again, and actually thought about not going with them, but the butterflies came back full strength and with that I knew I had to go. I had to be with Brian, I had to get over the past and hope that we had a chance to be best friends again. It was a slow start, a very slow start. After going to the mall with him I only saw him about once a month after that, or even less then that. I didn't talk to him online, or on the phone. It was just if we would cross eachothers paths I would see him. We didn't hang out anymore. Through all of this he was still my best friend, nothing was going to change that...even if he wasnt in my life Brian Kuzma was my best friend!
Senior year came and life continued to move on with out Brian. His pictures remained on the wall, and they still made me smile when I looked at them. I often thought about taking them down so I could stop holding on to the past and accept the fact that he wasn't in my life anymore, but no such luck. I wanted him to be part of my life so bad. I don't remember seeing Brian much during my senior year, I'm almost positive I didn't. I remember finding out that he wasn't living at home anymore, and actually had an appartment with her. When I found this out I wanted to drop to the ground and cry. I remembered that Brian always told me, "if I can ever handle to live with a girl, that's the girl I'm going to end up marrying" At that moment I had lost my chance. As much as the news killed me it eased my heart to know he was happy and doing well. That's all I ever wanted for him, was to be happy and well. I went over to their appartment and watched the Super Bowl with them it was weird to see him with her. I hated it more then anything. I kept a smile on my face, I didn't want him to see I was hurting, I didn't want him to see that I was so insanely jealous of her. What was I thinking I didn't know Brian anymore, how could I be so bitter towards her when she was doing what I wanted, she made him happy. After this super bowl get together Brian and I began talking and seeing eachother a little more often, I even went to visit him at work one day. That next night when I was at work I got a phone call. The number it was from wasn't programmed in my phone but for some reason I knew the number, and I knew the number really well...I checked my voicemail and sure enough it was Brian, telling me that him and her had gotten in a fight and he moved out. I was so excited I didn't know what to do. I honest to god...cried. I felt bad that he had gotten in a fight with her and it was a big enough deal for him to move out. But I was happy, he wasn't going to marry her and I still had a chance to be with him! I later found out that she had seen me visiting Brian and work and this made her very uncomfortable because who would have thougt...she was jealous of me. She was jealous of the friendship Brian and I had, and the fact that Brian loved me! (I didn't know he loved me at this point, but I later found out that, that is why she was jealous of me). So, now I feel bad because I broke them up and could have ruined something that could have been really nice. But FUCK HER, I snapped out of the feel bad thing quick, I knew that if I wanted Brian back in my life it would have to happen soon. We started to hang out more...and one day in particular changed everything...
May 28th 2004: Brian and I were haning out just a normal day (following a really shitty night before, I'm sorry to everyone that enjoyed prom but i honestly thought it sucked hard core). We were sitting in my basement and brian was at the end of the couch and he was getting sleepy so I told him I would drive him home, I leaned over (i think to give him a hug) and before I knew it i was kneeling on the ground and he was kissing me. Well what the flying hell! I freaked out cus in my mind he was still my bestfreind and like I always said "don't date your bestfriend" So I pulled my head away and was like "BRIIIAN!" and I guessed I scared him cus he kept saying he was sorry, little did he know that I was scared out of my mind but totally loved what had just happened. So, I drove him home and sure enough it happened again...we were kissing this time I didn't freak out and I went with it...the butterflies in my belly were going nuts they couldn't sit still. It was the best. Well here comes the next thing...I had to figure out what to do next. Brian and I talked about the kisses, and how we felt about each other, and he left it up to me to decide. Thankfully he went camping that weekend so it gave me time to think about everyhting. On May 31st 2004 Brian, Carrie, and I went to the St. Mary's Fair. I held his hand, and smooched him on the rides, and walking around in the rain. and thats when I knew I was ready. On June 1st 2004 Brian and I officially becaome an "us"
We have been together every day since. The past month was hard for us. We had a real trying time, but that time showed me how thankful I am to have him, and how much I need him in my life. It also showed me that I took for granted how perfect our relationship was (and still is). I learned that just because something is perfect on the outside doesnt mean it is on the inside. I grew so much closer to Brian, and feel like I understand him so much more. As much as I could have lived with out this difficult time, I'm partly glad it happened. You can't take people for granted. Someday you might not have them, and you need to treasure every moment you get to spend with them. I've lost Brian once and I can't have it happen again. So I didn't. I moved past it, I didn't forget about it and I never will, but life moves on, you can't dwell on the past or else the future will stutter and all I want is the future to happen sooner I'm not going to let anything get in the way...
People always say "if you love someone let them go, if they come back to you then it was meant to be." When I used to hear that I'd roll my eyes and be like thats a bunch of horse shit...but honestly with me and Brian it's so true. I loved him with all my heart, and it was hard but after my mistake I had to let him go, I had no choice, but our love for eachother was so strong that just about 2 years later we came back together and i truly believe that we are meant for each other.
I'm so happy he's a part of my life. I'm so happy I got a second chance, I'm so happy that the butterflies still come, I'm so happy that jamie and jake introduced us to eachother. I'm so freaking happy about everything that has ever happened between us. I love my life with Brian, and I look forward to my future with him.
Brian Kuzma, I love you with all my heart and I can't even put in to words what you mean to me. You're my everything, my reason for life, the reason I wake up every morning with a smile on my face. You're what keeps me going day to day, you're the one thats been there for me through thick and thin. You're perfect for me, and I just pray that I make you as happy as you make me. Thank you. I love you.
Now is that a love story for Oprah or what. haha I'm just kidding, but it is a good one. I would write a lot more but it's 12:30 and in 7.5 hours I get to wake up to my loves morning phone call!
Oh and yes...the countdowns:
4 Days till mine and Kyles 19th brithday!
25 Days till Vacation starts with Brian, oh I so can't wait!