As I have absolutely no idea what's going on, I have questions -
this is the Helen half of the couple she was dating yes ?
wtf is DJ?
And despite not knowing the content, I think you did the right thing. I don't like knowing things are being said about me behind my back, and prefer to know the whole story, rather than a she said... Whether it's tough to hear or not at least you know exactly what's been said, particularly if it goes against what the person is saying to your face.
Whether it hurts or not, it's better to have a clear picture of what the other person's thinking about you.
[And you have done this before, certain emails you forwarded on to me... But as I'm sure I said at the time, I'm grateful for that, despite the shit it caused]
I just cannot sit back and see people say the most awful things about other people I know and like. A lot of people hid things from me when I was with Mark and it got to me bigtime as it felt that everyone knew my business and Mark's opinions and I didn't.
It just made me feel stupid.
If the situation had been the other way round I would've told Helen if Joan was being absolutely horrible about her.
I don't like people having half the information when people who aren't even involved have pretty much the full story - plus extra horribleness - which tipped it over the balance to the side where Joan was told.
If it is that extreme - and I mean extreme - I will say something if it is relevant, only if it is relevant.
Its not about deceiving or trust or anything like that, its about being fair and I don't think its fair that someone is asked to make big decisions with only the tiniest idea of what is going on.
That shouldn't have been my job to say, but it wasn't going to be said otherwise.
I don't like people having half the information when people who aren't even involved have pretty much the full story I totally agree with that bit in particular.
Tho if Helen hadn't filtered the post on DJ, wouldn't Jo have read it herself at some point ? But then there's the whole - you read this days ago and never told me - side, so you can't win. Hopefully Joan sees your point of view, and to hell with anyone else who isn't actually involved.
Obv H filtered it away from Joan, and she is allowed her deep dark thoughts, but she left it so a lot of people could see it who knew Joan.
I wasn't the only person who said something to Joan.
Joan would do the same for me. As I hope any of my friends would. It wasn't just a simple pissed off post. There was at least were a couple of extremely breathtakingly harsh comments that should not have seen the light of day!!
But whatever. I know it is not responsible for their break up. I'm sorry if H feels deceived, but there are filters for a reason. Plus it should have been said to Joan and it wasn't, yet others knew.
On the one hand I think you should probably have challenged H about it first since she was obviously (from what I hear - I haven't read the post because DJ is for goths and losers) not wanting Joan to see it.
You probably should have treated it like a private journal entry you'd accidentally seen and said, "Do you really want to leave that lying around?"
On the other hand I think I've said fairly consistently that if you don't want someone to see something, you make a private post. It was one of the first lessons I learned on LJ. If someone doesn't make a private post you have to ask why they've included the people they have - they clearly want someone to see it.
This is exactly what DJ is for: the pretend-private venting of should-be-private rants and blarting. That's why it's strictly, strictly, for a certain type of masochist exhibitionist.
In normal circumstances I would have challenged it, but I was gobsmacked when I read it.
Somethings should be kept private I think!
I'm sorry for all the hassle it has caused. I truly care about how things are for both of you.
I'm glad you have commented. I am not good at keeping quiet or holding onto secrets that are incredibly bad and relevant. I'm too open. It felt like a lot to ask with what was there.
Mmm. Having now heard about the post and having now seen some of yours about your bf (not from H I hasten to add - she and I aren't even speaking today, let alone her showing me her, or your dj), I'm fairly convinced that what you did was inconsistent.
The sort of things you've said on dj about your bf, his mum, his money situation and so on - surely when people read those you expect them (quite rightly) to think, "Dawn doesn't really feel like that, she's just angry right now so she's venting on dj. That's fair enough."
You wouldn't expect them to go running to your bf with the posts, would you? Of course you wouldn't. That makes your actions inconsistent.
Of course I argue that this isn't just you - it's symptomatic of dj use in general.
My dj is not for everyone in the world to see. My boyf reads my lj as it is my homepage - therefore I need a space to write it all out and externalise it a bit more privately
( ... )
Only just seen this... My comment may be out of place seeing as I was not involved in the situation (and I don't really know you either), but please bear with me.
I don't agree with what you did.
However, I can see why you did it. Whether that justifies your actions is not for me to decide.
On the other hand, I think you have been very brave to be so honest and open in owning up to what you did and I respect you for that.
I don't totally agree with what I did either. I hope that doesn't sound inconsistent either (as I have done it after all)
But I am not proud of it. It is not something I would do lightly.
I did it because I felt it was fair in the situation.
I don't think my actions are justifiable, as they aren't really. I have nothing to hide, nor was I being malicious!
I just didn't think it was right or fair and that is a moral judgement I made - if the situation had been reversed I would do it for Helen. Joan knows I would too.
Comments 15
Reply
Reply
this is the Helen half of the couple she was dating yes ?
wtf is DJ?
And despite not knowing the content, I think you did the right thing. I don't like knowing things are being said about me behind my back, and prefer to know the whole story, rather than a she said... Whether it's tough to hear or not at least you know exactly what's been said, particularly if it goes against what the person is saying to your face.
Whether it hurts or not, it's better to have a clear picture of what the other person's thinking about you.
[And you have done this before, certain emails you forwarded on to me... But as I'm sure I said at the time, I'm grateful for that, despite the shit it caused]
Reply
I just cannot sit back and see people say the most awful things about other people I know and like. A lot of people hid things from me when I was with Mark and it got to me bigtime as it felt that everyone knew my business and Mark's opinions and I didn't.
It just made me feel stupid.
If the situation had been the other way round I would've told Helen if Joan was being absolutely horrible about her.
I don't like people having half the information when people who aren't even involved have pretty much the full story - plus extra horribleness - which tipped it over the balance to the side where Joan was told.
If it is that extreme - and I mean extreme - I will say something if it is relevant, only if it is relevant.
Its not about deceiving or trust or anything like that, its about being fair and I don't think its fair that someone is asked to make big decisions with only the tiniest idea of what is going on.
That shouldn't have been my job to say, but it wasn't going to be said otherwise.
Reply
Tho if Helen hadn't filtered the post on DJ, wouldn't Jo have read it herself at some point ? But then there's the whole - you read this days ago and never told me - side, so you can't win. Hopefully Joan sees your point of view, and to hell with anyone else who isn't actually involved.
Reply
I wasn't the only person who said something to Joan.
Joan would do the same for me. As I hope any of my friends would. It wasn't just a simple pissed off post. There was at least were a couple of extremely breathtakingly harsh comments that should not have seen the light of day!!
But whatever. I know it is not responsible for their break up. I'm sorry if H feels deceived, but there are filters for a reason. Plus it should have been said to Joan and it wasn't, yet others knew.
Reply
You probably should have treated it like a private journal entry you'd accidentally seen and said, "Do you really want to leave that lying around?"
On the other hand I think I've said fairly consistently that if you don't want someone to see something, you make a private post. It was one of the first lessons I learned on LJ. If someone doesn't make a private post you have to ask why they've included the people they have - they clearly want someone to see it.
This is exactly what DJ is for: the pretend-private venting of should-be-private rants and blarting. That's why it's strictly, strictly, for a certain type of masochist exhibitionist.
Reply
Somethings should be kept private I think!
I'm sorry for all the hassle it has caused. I truly care about how things are for both of you.
I'm glad you have commented. I am not good at keeping quiet or holding onto secrets that are incredibly bad and relevant. I'm too open. It felt like a lot to ask with what was there.
Reply
The sort of things you've said on dj about your bf, his mum, his money situation and so on - surely when people read those you expect them (quite rightly) to think, "Dawn doesn't really feel like that, she's just angry right now so she's venting on dj. That's fair enough."
You wouldn't expect them to go running to your bf with the posts, would you? Of course you wouldn't. That makes your actions inconsistent.
Of course I argue that this isn't just you - it's symptomatic of dj use in general.
Reply
Reply
I don't agree with what you did.
However, I can see why you did it. Whether that justifies your actions is not for me to decide.
On the other hand, I think you have been very brave to be so honest and open in owning up to what you did and I respect you for that.
Reply
But I am not proud of it. It is not something I would do lightly.
I did it because I felt it was fair in the situation.
I don't think my actions are justifiable, as they aren't really. I have nothing to hide, nor was I being malicious!
I just didn't think it was right or fair and that is a moral judgement I made - if the situation had been reversed I would do it for Helen. Joan knows I would too.
Reply
Leave a comment