Why bother caring about somebody, who so obviously doesn't?
i never thought a simple movie would be the answer to my problem.
but it brought me to my conclusion.
the solution.
i have to completely remove him from my life. in every way, shape and form.
phone-book. livejournal. msn. yahoo. photos. everything.
and it seems drastic, but it's what i have to do.
it all started with watching the matrix reloaded.
and it ended in a coffee-shop on george street.
with a tear in my eye and a cafe latte in my hand.
and just like everything with dave, the conversation rocked my world.
because he always tells me what i need to hear, not what i want to be told.
and in a way i can understand.
"two words. why do i even bother?"
"i don't know cath, why DO you bother? it's your choice"
"i KNOW it's never going to be how it was, but i still can't stop thinking about it."
"why not? he has. from what you've told me, that's pretty obvious."
"didn't you watch the movie? i still have hope."
Hope.
It is the quintessential human delusion.
Simultaneously the source of your greatest strength & your greatest weakness.
"well it's a false hope. you already know nothing's going to happen."
"i know. and i know my choices. but either way i get hurt."
"why?"
"either i let go of him & get hurt. or i keep some hold of him & get hurt."
"if you make him part of your life, then you'll still be hurt. but if you let go, you will heal."
"but i just want to know WHY? i don't think he even REALISES how much he's upsetting me."
"what makes you say that?"
"because he's in denial. that's what he does."
and i told him about the network failing & how he told them it was fine, then looked at me in fear.
and how he had to go to hospital because of stress and everything.
and the fact that he's completely aware that he does too much, but he still won't stop.
"why is he in denial? that's just your PERCEPTION"
"because he knows all this & he still refuses to change"
"i guess that's how he deals with things. i do the exact same."
"well it's a problem."
"no it's not. from what you've told me, he's doing pretty damn well for himself & has it all sorted."
*cath sighs*
"babe, he's not the one in denial. you are. you're completely in denial"
"excuse me?"
"cath, it's been a month. you KNOW he doesn't give a damn."
"but there's still SOMETHING. i've GIVEN him opportunities to get rid of me & he hasn't."
"he's just being polite. look at the facts. deep-down you KNOW the truth"
"so what am i meant to do? just pretend he never existed?"
and then he said something, that rocked my world more than anything.
god bless The Oracle :P
"You don't have to make a choice.
The choice is already made.
You just have to understand why you made it."
and that fucked with me. that really fucked with me.
that simple statement, brought the realisation of everything.
everything that has plagued me for the past month, is going to have to end.
and it can only end, by breaking all contact.
and i'm not going to lie, it's going to hurt like an absolute bitch.
but i've done it before and i know i have the power to do it again.
because it's what i did with rowan.
i couldn't handle the situation we were in, so i cut him out completely.
he'd call me & i'd hang up on him.
and when we stood there by the beach & he asked me out, i had the strength to slap him across the face.
however the difference with me & ben, is that this hasn't been my decision.
it's a choice that i've had to make for myself, but it's the result of someone elses actions.
which makes it a lot harder. but i'll deal with it. rock and roll.
"why do you think i have such a care-factor zero about things?
you can't afford to care about things, they're just not worth it."
and that's always been my biggest fault. caring too much.
Have you ever had a dream, that you were so sure was real?
What if you were unable to wake from that dream?
How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?
that's what this all was. just a dream. it never existed.
and i simply tried to convince myself it was real.
my perception of our friendship was inaccurate.
and i'm sorry that in reality i was simply a rebound.
i had no control over that. none at all.
mellie was right. have fun whilst it lasts .
and i did. those few months, were the most amazing ever.
ignorance is bliss. the most beautiful kind.
and that's it reloaded and what evolved from it, changed everything.
Already I can see the chain reaction, the chemical precursors that signal
the onset of emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic, and reason.
An emotion that is already blinding you from the simple, and obvious truth:
she is going to die & there is nothing that you can do to stop it.
that movie will fuck with you in so many ways...
but it brought me to my conclusion.
the solution.
i have to completely remove him from my life. in every way, shape and form.
phone-book. livejournal. msn. yahoo. photos. everything.
and it seems drastic, but it's what i have to do.
it all started with watching the matrix reloaded.
and it ended in a coffee-shop on george street.
with a tear in my eye and a cafe latte in my hand.
and just like everything with dave, the conversation rocked my world.
because he always tells me what i need to hear, not what i want to be told.
and in a way i can understand.
"two words. why do i even bother?"
"i don't know cath, why DO you bother? it's your choice"
"i KNOW it's never going to be how it was, but i still can't stop thinking about it."
"why not? he has. from what you've told me, that's pretty obvious."
"didn't you watch the movie? i still have hope."
Hope.
It is the quintessential human delusion.
Simultaneously the source of your greatest strength & your greatest weakness.
"well it's a false hope. you already know nothing's going to happen."
"i know. and i know my choices. but either way i get hurt."
"why?"
"either i let go of him & get hurt. or i keep some hold of him & get hurt."
"if you make him part of your life, then you'll still be hurt. but if you let go, you will heal."
"but i just want to know WHY? i don't think he even REALISES how much he's upsetting me."
"what makes you say that?"
"because he's in denial. that's what he does."
and i told him about the network failing & how he told them it was fine, then looked at me in fear.
and how he had to go to hospital because of stress and everything.
and the fact that he's completely aware that he does too much, but he still won't stop.
"why is he in denial? that's just your PERCEPTION"
"because he knows all this & he still refuses to change"
"i guess that's how he deals with things. i do the exact same."
"well it's a problem."
"no it's not. from what you've told me, he's doing pretty damn well for himself & has it all sorted."
*cath sighs*
"babe, he's not the one in denial. you are. you're completely in denial"
"excuse me?"
"cath, it's been a month. you KNOW he doesn't give a damn."
"but there's still SOMETHING. i've GIVEN him opportunities to get rid of me & he hasn't."
"he's just being polite. look at the facts. deep-down you KNOW the truth"
"so what am i meant to do? just pretend he never existed?"
and then he said something, that rocked my world more than anything.
god bless The Oracle :P
"You don't have to make a choice.
The choice is already made.
You just have to understand why you made it."
and that fucked with me. that really fucked with me.
that simple statement, brought the realisation of everything.
everything that has plagued me for the past month, is going to have to end.
and it can only end, by breaking all contact.
and i'm not going to lie, it's going to hurt like an absolute bitch.
but i've done it before and i know i have the power to do it again.
because it's what i did with rowan.
i couldn't handle the situation we were in, so i cut him out completely.
he'd call me & i'd hang up on him.
and when we stood there by the beach & he asked me out, i had the strength to slap him across the face.
however the difference with me & ben, is that this hasn't been my decision.
it's a choice that i've had to make for myself, but it's the result of someone elses actions.
which makes it a lot harder. but i'll deal with it. rock and roll.
"why do you think i have such a care-factor zero about things?
you can't afford to care about things, they're just not worth it."
and that's always been my biggest fault. caring too much.
Have you ever had a dream, that you were so sure was real?
What if you were unable to wake from that dream?
How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?
that's what this all was. just a dream. it never existed.
and i simply tried to convince myself it was real.
my perception of our friendship was inaccurate.
and i'm sorry that in reality i was simply a rebound.
i had no control over that. none at all.
mellie was right. have fun whilst it lasts .
and i did. those few months, were the most amazing ever.
ignorance is bliss. the most beautiful kind.
and that's it reloaded and what evolved from it, changed everything.
Already I can see the chain reaction, the chemical precursors that signal
the onset of emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic, and reason.
An emotion that is already blinding you from the simple, and obvious truth:
she is going to die & there is nothing that you can do to stop it.
that movie will fuck with you in so many ways...