(no subject)
Yeah its another long recap of the past 2-3 days. Don't click if you aren't prepared...
Things here have been crazy. Stupid hormones. I have all these guys in my life and they all seem great and I've never had this many christian guys as my friends or known this many before. Its such a blessing and torment at the same time. I told God that I knew that juggling a relationship and trying to please Him was impossible for me to do so what happens he puts all these guys in my life. God has a weird sense of humour I'm telling ya.
The past couple of days have been really hard and Sunday eve- Monday eve was a huge struggle in my heart and mind all around. I just felt so tired and I wanted to give up on everything that I've been working on lately. I wanted to just go be part of the world again. Most of all I wanted to follow after the lusts of my heart and that was the hardest thing to fight. I might not have a second organ but I do have my own temptations, feelings and struggles.
God has been doing strange things lately in so many ways and I haven't even taken the time to write them all in my journal. I'm very lazy. Still...*sigh* where to start. Well its amazing to me how much happens in a week or even just 2 or 3 days. All the little things that are so important to me. Sunday night I went up to Houghton for Koin and when I got there and went to meet up with my friends I remembered that they cancelled this Sunday's Koin (hour long worship service...its so amazing!) because everyone was getting back from October break. I really needed to go to Koin that night. I wanted to so much I was even going over 30 minutes earlier so that I could pray before service started. I knew that a lot was on my heart and mind and that I needed to just pour myself out. Guess God had other plans.
I got the chance to chill with a couple of friends who I don't see a ton of when I'm up because I normally hang out with my dear friend. It was nice to hang out with the other girls though. And then I got to sit and chat and reminise with the one girl which was great. I don't get to talk to her one on one and so it means a ton to me when I get two seconds to talk to her on a more private level.
The important thing though was when I went to hang out with Kate I was only going to drop in and see how she was and talk for 30 minutes at most. Well...and hour and half later I poured out my heart in the moment and said a ton.. It was such a weird feeling after it happened. I felt like such a little girl just crying on her shoulder like that. I normally try to be there for Kate and I love the girl to death. I was just amazed that God had me say all that to her. I'm not sure how upset you've ever seen me but its like you when you get agrivated over stuff and you're in an argueing mood and you start talking a million miles an hour and just keep talking. Yeah I talked so fast and just wouldn't stop. I knew I was breaking in front of her and I was really scared to let her see me like that. BUT it was SOOO nice to be taken care of for a change. Just to be with a friend and have them listen. She didn't have to say anything she just understood and sitting there having someone to hug and just feeling like everything was going to work out... That's only a feeling of comfort that God can give me through people. I wish I could find that more often.
I came home that night I thought at first encouraged, it had been an amazing visit after all. And she said something to me that just stuck with me. It was ...perfect and just struck the center of my heart; I knew it was the truth and the answer. But the car ride home was long and from crying so much my eyes and heart were tired. By the time I got home I was in a rather wrotten mood. My other friend imd me as I recall and I was so mean to them. I had all this anger that welled up in me it seemed out of no where. I knew that it wasn't out of no where, it was because of how I felt about that person. I couldn't deal with my feelings so I ended up getting frustrated with them and came across as a little impatient and harsh in an attempt to push them away I guess. I let my own wants and fear have hold of a piece of me and that made me act like that.
We talked it all out last night and I'm SO glad. I'm really glad that things got talked out because now I can go back to normal and get over my feelings towards that person. I only hope it doesn't change things for them. I'm kind of scared that they will hold back now when they're around me. I'm scared that they won't tell me everything on their heart and mind and that's such a huge part of our friendship. I really hope that this whole thing will only strengthen and edify our friendship.
Like I said above I've really been struggling with my lust the past 2 days well 3 days now. Today has been difficult too. *sigh*. I know that everything that's going on with this friend is a very tiny part of it but majority of it is my own lust. If anything my friend has only helped me be more acountable because the thought of disapointing them, or failing in their sight is something I'm not sure I could handle any more. I've gotten to a point in my friendship with that person where I care about them so much that I only want to think highly of me also. I want them to think that I'm a good person. The weird thing is that friend knows some of my darkest secrets already and its as though I've never mentioned it to them. I don't understand how people are so understanding or forgiving. I can't forgive myself but I can forgive others. How do you forgive yourself.... Although I've been struggling and its been this really dramatic up and down thing God has been so faithful.
I worry about my friend though and I had this "preminition" so to speak last night. I was praying and reading through the 1 John's like I have been and the first verse I read just made me shudder. It was like a warning to me and I got worried but I didn't know what was wrong, I could just feel it. It was intuition or something. I prayed for my friends last night because so many of them came to mind and it got too overwhelming for me. I couldn't pray for all of them like I wanted to with out passing out into sleep. When I woke up this morning rather early I was surprised. I always go straight to my computer to see how my friend is doing and they had left me a message this morning. A rather lengthy one which is kind of uncommon. The more I read the more I realized what that verse was all about and I felt horrible that I hadn't kept that person acountable enough. That I hadn't edified them enough, and that I hadn't prayed enough. I could tell that they were struggling to tell me about what happened and that they were absolutely disgusted and ashamed of themselves and I couldn't help but feel there sorrow and missery. All they could say to me in the end was I'm sorry I failed you. When in reality I felt as though I had failed them more. I was their friend trying to help them and I didn't help enough, they still had fallen.
None the less this person has been on my mind constantly today and I'm still worried about them. Something still doesn't feel right and it keeps eating at me.
Sorry to ramble about the "bad" things for so long.
...
Some good things, a little confusing but still good have been happening.
Well in brief, God has helped me fight my temptations lately even though its been SOO hard, He's been helping me get more and more into His word. Its so difficult because almost every single verse I read I find something in it that I love or think would be a great warning, teaching etc. I want to share them with all my friends but you would be reading chapters from the KJV a day. I don't think most of my close christian friends could even handle that. It kind of makes me sad because I find stuff so exciting and I don't feel like I have any one to share it with thats as excited as I am. I feel like that if I share, when they're not as excited as me its going to diminish how I felt about it. Does that make sense??
I still wish my prayer life was better. Its hard for me to stay focused in my prayers though and when I'm focused its easy to be selfish. I have a hard time praising God and then praying for more than a 2 or 3 of my close friends who are struggling the most. I know that I'm supose to praise Him and that I'm supose to pray for my family, and then move outward but I haven't mastered or even begun to grasp that. I know how important prayer is and I feel very ashamed that I can't offer God a better conversation, but rather my heart felt atempts. He is understanding though so I have to try to remember that He is.
When I went to church Sunday morning God had me teach the childrens Sunday school class durring service. I read a story about Jonah and the Great Fish, and then had them colour. It was so pathetic though because I kept saying Jonas instead of Jonah and the thing is I only remembered that he got swallowed by a fish. This other girl was like in second grade and she knew more than me. The kids even remembered that he was going to Ninnevah ...or suppose to rather. Any who the point is, I don't understand why God had me do that. And this pride welled up in me. I didn't have the heart to tell the woman that asked me to do it how "unspiritual" I was. I didn't feel like I was a strong enough christian to teach even little kids. The thing is this woman helped me and she kept asking me about school and she was talking about the pastor there, and telling me what a wonderful teacher I was.
I really feel lately like God wants me to be an elementary teacher. I'm scared to do that though. To have there futures and souls in my hands. I'm so scared. And then there is this whole music thing. More than ever lately its been so strong in my heart again. I swore it off when I failed at Houghton. I thought God had taken away my tallents because I had gotten so haughty and now He was teaching me a lesson. But lately that passion has been brimming again and I've been trying to find some place around here that I can just sing to my hearts content.
And then of all things what comes in the mail but a thing for a music school in Fl. Specifically for music. O.O What is God want from me?!!
Also I miss Houghton so much and I've been doing okay at community college. I want to go back to Houghton SOO badly. I just wish that I could tell if God wanted me back there too. I wish I could tell if it was the right choice. I mean I know I want to but would I really work this time, would I keep seeking God, would I keep growing or would I take it for granted and throw it all away again? ... I'm so lost.
But even though its really hard and I'm confused the whole fact that God is showing me these different things makes me happy. I'm glad to see SOME sign...anything at all. I never was very good at figuring out God's will and completley trusting it was from Him and not just my own selfish thinking.
Another thing I've been doing is trying to find something locally. I did the craziest thing today and its been tugging at me for a few times now so I finally went to check into it a little. I wanted to find out if there was a local church in Mt Morris that was more liberal in worship. I wanted to find a church that had a worship service just like Houghton does since thats my main reason for going up there EVERY weekend. Its the dumbest thing because gas is so expensive and its quite a drive but its always so worth it and I need that filling up to get through every week. I'm not sure what would happen if I didn't have it and when winter comes and the snow starts flying I'm not sure that I can run up to Houghton every weekend. *sigh*
So I went to this church which I know is far from conservitive and I've been to their Sunday morning services 1 or twice in the past, any who I talked to this woman that was their vacuuming and sadly she said all they had was a Sunday morning service and some small groups for ministering in people's houses. Any how I explained to her I was looking for a worship service and I'm not sure she got my point because she kept talking about other things but she took my name and number. But while I was there I just got to thinking there HAS to be SOMETHING in Mt Morris that has a Sunday eve worship service or SOMETHING!!! She said she didn't know of one, so I told her that I would be willing to call all the churches and get people together for something becaus after all we're the body of Christ and its ashame that we're so divided. There's no reason we can't worship together. I still don't think she got it but the idea that God put in my heart just surprised me after I left and actually thought about it. I'm not sure I could handle that by myself infact I know I couldn't. I don't know anyone that would play for the worship, or any of the churches, or the people that would come. Man... I better start praying about this. I feel like its not going to happen but I can't help but think what an awesome idea it was.
Another blessing, I've been kind of worrying about money lately and its my own fault for not sitting down and figuring out my finances as of late. I hate thinking about money so much so I've been putting it off. I sat down the other day and figured everything out and came up with being short like 68$ a month as far as all my bills and stuff. I'm still not sure how that's going to work out but I'm trying to trust in God to show me what to do. The cool part is this though. Doing my bills and things made me remember that I still haven't paid my tuition yet, and they sent me papers to enroll for spring classes as long as my balance is paid for the fall semester. I was like oh crap there goes spring semester, I'm probably going to have to take a semester off. I called the financial aid office and they were like well we'll still send you a bill but you only owe 94$. WOW!! I thought I owed them at least 400$ still or something more. I don't know how that happened or where I got that much aid and stuff but awesome! I was really surprised and that just kind of took some weight off of my chest.
Now I just need to start figuring out what I want to study so I can figure out what classes to take. I feel like I've wasted SOOO much time in school already. I mean yeah I'm doing well this semester but I feel like the classes I'm taking aren't even going to count towards anything. What is a class like Children's Literature going to count towards? *sigh* None the less it was important that I do this so I could get my GPA back up and realize that I could do the work if I would only just...SIT DOWN AND DO IT. I'm so stubborn and dumb sometimes.
Oh and I decided to not only do a bible reading but TRY to start reading a devotional book. I'm not sure how that will go but there is one that called to me off of my shelf today. Its one that Hannah sent me for my birthday and I'm really excited about it. Its called "Keeping a Princess Heart" BY Nicole Johnson. I love the whole prince and princess motif and that's why I'm SOO excited about it. I can't wait to start reading it. Any how.
Signing off,
Cathrine '04
Things here have been crazy. Stupid hormones. I have all these guys in my life and they all seem great and I've never had this many christian guys as my friends or known this many before. Its such a blessing and torment at the same time. I told God that I knew that juggling a relationship and trying to please Him was impossible for me to do so what happens he puts all these guys in my life. God has a weird sense of humour I'm telling ya.
The past couple of days have been really hard and Sunday eve- Monday eve was a huge struggle in my heart and mind all around. I just felt so tired and I wanted to give up on everything that I've been working on lately. I wanted to just go be part of the world again. Most of all I wanted to follow after the lusts of my heart and that was the hardest thing to fight. I might not have a second organ but I do have my own temptations, feelings and struggles.
God has been doing strange things lately in so many ways and I haven't even taken the time to write them all in my journal. I'm very lazy. Still...*sigh* where to start. Well its amazing to me how much happens in a week or even just 2 or 3 days. All the little things that are so important to me. Sunday night I went up to Houghton for Koin and when I got there and went to meet up with my friends I remembered that they cancelled this Sunday's Koin (hour long worship service...its so amazing!) because everyone was getting back from October break. I really needed to go to Koin that night. I wanted to so much I was even going over 30 minutes earlier so that I could pray before service started. I knew that a lot was on my heart and mind and that I needed to just pour myself out. Guess God had other plans.
I got the chance to chill with a couple of friends who I don't see a ton of when I'm up because I normally hang out with my dear friend. It was nice to hang out with the other girls though. And then I got to sit and chat and reminise with the one girl which was great. I don't get to talk to her one on one and so it means a ton to me when I get two seconds to talk to her on a more private level.
The important thing though was when I went to hang out with Kate I was only going to drop in and see how she was and talk for 30 minutes at most. Well...and hour and half later I poured out my heart in the moment and said a ton.. It was such a weird feeling after it happened. I felt like such a little girl just crying on her shoulder like that. I normally try to be there for Kate and I love the girl to death. I was just amazed that God had me say all that to her. I'm not sure how upset you've ever seen me but its like you when you get agrivated over stuff and you're in an argueing mood and you start talking a million miles an hour and just keep talking. Yeah I talked so fast and just wouldn't stop. I knew I was breaking in front of her and I was really scared to let her see me like that. BUT it was SOOO nice to be taken care of for a change. Just to be with a friend and have them listen. She didn't have to say anything she just understood and sitting there having someone to hug and just feeling like everything was going to work out... That's only a feeling of comfort that God can give me through people. I wish I could find that more often.
I came home that night I thought at first encouraged, it had been an amazing visit after all. And she said something to me that just stuck with me. It was ...perfect and just struck the center of my heart; I knew it was the truth and the answer. But the car ride home was long and from crying so much my eyes and heart were tired. By the time I got home I was in a rather wrotten mood. My other friend imd me as I recall and I was so mean to them. I had all this anger that welled up in me it seemed out of no where. I knew that it wasn't out of no where, it was because of how I felt about that person. I couldn't deal with my feelings so I ended up getting frustrated with them and came across as a little impatient and harsh in an attempt to push them away I guess. I let my own wants and fear have hold of a piece of me and that made me act like that.
We talked it all out last night and I'm SO glad. I'm really glad that things got talked out because now I can go back to normal and get over my feelings towards that person. I only hope it doesn't change things for them. I'm kind of scared that they will hold back now when they're around me. I'm scared that they won't tell me everything on their heart and mind and that's such a huge part of our friendship. I really hope that this whole thing will only strengthen and edify our friendship.
Like I said above I've really been struggling with my lust the past 2 days well 3 days now. Today has been difficult too. *sigh*. I know that everything that's going on with this friend is a very tiny part of it but majority of it is my own lust. If anything my friend has only helped me be more acountable because the thought of disapointing them, or failing in their sight is something I'm not sure I could handle any more. I've gotten to a point in my friendship with that person where I care about them so much that I only want to think highly of me also. I want them to think that I'm a good person. The weird thing is that friend knows some of my darkest secrets already and its as though I've never mentioned it to them. I don't understand how people are so understanding or forgiving. I can't forgive myself but I can forgive others. How do you forgive yourself.... Although I've been struggling and its been this really dramatic up and down thing God has been so faithful.
I worry about my friend though and I had this "preminition" so to speak last night. I was praying and reading through the 1 John's like I have been and the first verse I read just made me shudder. It was like a warning to me and I got worried but I didn't know what was wrong, I could just feel it. It was intuition or something. I prayed for my friends last night because so many of them came to mind and it got too overwhelming for me. I couldn't pray for all of them like I wanted to with out passing out into sleep. When I woke up this morning rather early I was surprised. I always go straight to my computer to see how my friend is doing and they had left me a message this morning. A rather lengthy one which is kind of uncommon. The more I read the more I realized what that verse was all about and I felt horrible that I hadn't kept that person acountable enough. That I hadn't edified them enough, and that I hadn't prayed enough. I could tell that they were struggling to tell me about what happened and that they were absolutely disgusted and ashamed of themselves and I couldn't help but feel there sorrow and missery. All they could say to me in the end was I'm sorry I failed you. When in reality I felt as though I had failed them more. I was their friend trying to help them and I didn't help enough, they still had fallen.
None the less this person has been on my mind constantly today and I'm still worried about them. Something still doesn't feel right and it keeps eating at me.
Sorry to ramble about the "bad" things for so long.
...
Some good things, a little confusing but still good have been happening.
Well in brief, God has helped me fight my temptations lately even though its been SOO hard, He's been helping me get more and more into His word. Its so difficult because almost every single verse I read I find something in it that I love or think would be a great warning, teaching etc. I want to share them with all my friends but you would be reading chapters from the KJV a day. I don't think most of my close christian friends could even handle that. It kind of makes me sad because I find stuff so exciting and I don't feel like I have any one to share it with thats as excited as I am. I feel like that if I share, when they're not as excited as me its going to diminish how I felt about it. Does that make sense??
I still wish my prayer life was better. Its hard for me to stay focused in my prayers though and when I'm focused its easy to be selfish. I have a hard time praising God and then praying for more than a 2 or 3 of my close friends who are struggling the most. I know that I'm supose to praise Him and that I'm supose to pray for my family, and then move outward but I haven't mastered or even begun to grasp that. I know how important prayer is and I feel very ashamed that I can't offer God a better conversation, but rather my heart felt atempts. He is understanding though so I have to try to remember that He is.
When I went to church Sunday morning God had me teach the childrens Sunday school class durring service. I read a story about Jonah and the Great Fish, and then had them colour. It was so pathetic though because I kept saying Jonas instead of Jonah and the thing is I only remembered that he got swallowed by a fish. This other girl was like in second grade and she knew more than me. The kids even remembered that he was going to Ninnevah ...or suppose to rather. Any who the point is, I don't understand why God had me do that. And this pride welled up in me. I didn't have the heart to tell the woman that asked me to do it how "unspiritual" I was. I didn't feel like I was a strong enough christian to teach even little kids. The thing is this woman helped me and she kept asking me about school and she was talking about the pastor there, and telling me what a wonderful teacher I was.
I really feel lately like God wants me to be an elementary teacher. I'm scared to do that though. To have there futures and souls in my hands. I'm so scared. And then there is this whole music thing. More than ever lately its been so strong in my heart again. I swore it off when I failed at Houghton. I thought God had taken away my tallents because I had gotten so haughty and now He was teaching me a lesson. But lately that passion has been brimming again and I've been trying to find some place around here that I can just sing to my hearts content.
And then of all things what comes in the mail but a thing for a music school in Fl. Specifically for music. O.O What is God want from me?!!
Also I miss Houghton so much and I've been doing okay at community college. I want to go back to Houghton SOO badly. I just wish that I could tell if God wanted me back there too. I wish I could tell if it was the right choice. I mean I know I want to but would I really work this time, would I keep seeking God, would I keep growing or would I take it for granted and throw it all away again? ... I'm so lost.
But even though its really hard and I'm confused the whole fact that God is showing me these different things makes me happy. I'm glad to see SOME sign...anything at all. I never was very good at figuring out God's will and completley trusting it was from Him and not just my own selfish thinking.
Another thing I've been doing is trying to find something locally. I did the craziest thing today and its been tugging at me for a few times now so I finally went to check into it a little. I wanted to find out if there was a local church in Mt Morris that was more liberal in worship. I wanted to find a church that had a worship service just like Houghton does since thats my main reason for going up there EVERY weekend. Its the dumbest thing because gas is so expensive and its quite a drive but its always so worth it and I need that filling up to get through every week. I'm not sure what would happen if I didn't have it and when winter comes and the snow starts flying I'm not sure that I can run up to Houghton every weekend. *sigh*
So I went to this church which I know is far from conservitive and I've been to their Sunday morning services 1 or twice in the past, any who I talked to this woman that was their vacuuming and sadly she said all they had was a Sunday morning service and some small groups for ministering in people's houses. Any how I explained to her I was looking for a worship service and I'm not sure she got my point because she kept talking about other things but she took my name and number. But while I was there I just got to thinking there HAS to be SOMETHING in Mt Morris that has a Sunday eve worship service or SOMETHING!!! She said she didn't know of one, so I told her that I would be willing to call all the churches and get people together for something becaus after all we're the body of Christ and its ashame that we're so divided. There's no reason we can't worship together. I still don't think she got it but the idea that God put in my heart just surprised me after I left and actually thought about it. I'm not sure I could handle that by myself infact I know I couldn't. I don't know anyone that would play for the worship, or any of the churches, or the people that would come. Man... I better start praying about this. I feel like its not going to happen but I can't help but think what an awesome idea it was.
Another blessing, I've been kind of worrying about money lately and its my own fault for not sitting down and figuring out my finances as of late. I hate thinking about money so much so I've been putting it off. I sat down the other day and figured everything out and came up with being short like 68$ a month as far as all my bills and stuff. I'm still not sure how that's going to work out but I'm trying to trust in God to show me what to do. The cool part is this though. Doing my bills and things made me remember that I still haven't paid my tuition yet, and they sent me papers to enroll for spring classes as long as my balance is paid for the fall semester. I was like oh crap there goes spring semester, I'm probably going to have to take a semester off. I called the financial aid office and they were like well we'll still send you a bill but you only owe 94$. WOW!! I thought I owed them at least 400$ still or something more. I don't know how that happened or where I got that much aid and stuff but awesome! I was really surprised and that just kind of took some weight off of my chest.
Now I just need to start figuring out what I want to study so I can figure out what classes to take. I feel like I've wasted SOOO much time in school already. I mean yeah I'm doing well this semester but I feel like the classes I'm taking aren't even going to count towards anything. What is a class like Children's Literature going to count towards? *sigh* None the less it was important that I do this so I could get my GPA back up and realize that I could do the work if I would only just...SIT DOWN AND DO IT. I'm so stubborn and dumb sometimes.
Oh and I decided to not only do a bible reading but TRY to start reading a devotional book. I'm not sure how that will go but there is one that called to me off of my shelf today. Its one that Hannah sent me for my birthday and I'm really excited about it. Its called "Keeping a Princess Heart" BY Nicole Johnson. I love the whole prince and princess motif and that's why I'm SOO excited about it. I can't wait to start reading it. Any how.
Signing off,
Cathrine '04