I Knew It
I go out last night to a birthday party, get up really really early to go with the family to watch hubby play with his mistress (the race car), and get home well after dark to find my hook critiqued sometime during the day.
Young apprentice mindmage Joshuah sends his telepathic rat companion Dooke, out into the now still battlefield. Their task is to find the Realm’s Prince, whether he be dead or alive
Ravmorts roam the battlefield after dark, claiming bodies for their ferocious appetites. But they prefer the living, no matter how small.
When Dooke finds the Prince dead, Master Terhanet, Joshuah’s teacher and master of the mages, goes with black robed mage soldiers to collect the body. Amidst the confusion Dooke fails to return and Joshuah learns that companions don’t just share sight and sound, but smell as well. And pain.
Joshuah, racked with pseudo pain, stumbles out in the dusky light to find his beloved Dooke, only to discover that the death monsters are not the worst horrors in the Realm.
The mages are. Master Terhanet is the worst.
NOTES:
This feels young, not adult fantasy (perhaps even MG based on what's here)--and like a partial plot synopsis. You're telling the reader facts about who & where. Show us why. Why is this story different? Why is this character going to compel us to read? Why is this Prince important? Why is Joshuah important? There's a lot left unanswered, and what's here leads me to question audience. Perhaps answering these would demonstrate that it is a fantasy novel, not MG or YA, but as it stands, if I were reading this I'd suspect it was a novel for young readers.
Okay I admit it. I can't show you the why, I can't answer the unanswered questions, I can't even tell you if it's YA or adult; because I haven't finished writing the story.
Since I don't plot nor outline what I have is 6.5K of words of which the hook is a synopsis, plus another 2K of a different character, whom must link in somehow, but buggered if I know. Yet. Still, the exercise for me was to see if I could write a hook, if I knew the theroy, and if I didn't how do I do it better.
So I win
It wasn't a shocker, and some one else liked it. I received hints as to how to improve it (when I know the answers). I can apply those hints ot my other hooks.
It was a worthwhile exercise.
Young apprentice mindmage Joshuah sends his telepathic rat companion Dooke, out into the now still battlefield. Their task is to find the Realm’s Prince, whether he be dead or alive
Ravmorts roam the battlefield after dark, claiming bodies for their ferocious appetites. But they prefer the living, no matter how small.
When Dooke finds the Prince dead, Master Terhanet, Joshuah’s teacher and master of the mages, goes with black robed mage soldiers to collect the body. Amidst the confusion Dooke fails to return and Joshuah learns that companions don’t just share sight and sound, but smell as well. And pain.
Joshuah, racked with pseudo pain, stumbles out in the dusky light to find his beloved Dooke, only to discover that the death monsters are not the worst horrors in the Realm.
The mages are. Master Terhanet is the worst.
NOTES:
This feels young, not adult fantasy (perhaps even MG based on what's here)--and like a partial plot synopsis. You're telling the reader facts about who & where. Show us why. Why is this story different? Why is this character going to compel us to read? Why is this Prince important? Why is Joshuah important? There's a lot left unanswered, and what's here leads me to question audience. Perhaps answering these would demonstrate that it is a fantasy novel, not MG or YA, but as it stands, if I were reading this I'd suspect it was a novel for young readers.
Okay I admit it. I can't show you the why, I can't answer the unanswered questions, I can't even tell you if it's YA or adult; because I haven't finished writing the story.
Since I don't plot nor outline what I have is 6.5K of words of which the hook is a synopsis, plus another 2K of a different character, whom must link in somehow, but buggered if I know. Yet. Still, the exercise for me was to see if I could write a hook, if I knew the theroy, and if I didn't how do I do it better.
So I win
It wasn't a shocker, and some one else liked it. I received hints as to how to improve it (when I know the answers). I can apply those hints ot my other hooks.
It was a worthwhile exercise.