Ok, he did call. I guess I was stressing over nothing. He was just tired. He even invited me to an 80s party the 1st weekend in November. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
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Well you're right that Jade needs to know her dad. But she also should know other family members, and that includes your stepdad. I mean, he may not be the greatest person, but you said he's done a lot for you and for her, and he seems to get along well with her. He's part of her family and she probably thinks of him as a grandfather, and I think that it's up to you to decide whether or not she spends time with him.
As for Sam meeting your stepdad - I don't know if that's really necessary. They don't have to meet, and they likely never will unless they both go to some school function or something for Jade. In which case there will be lots of other people around, and hopefully they can manage to be civil towards each other?
I'm guessing there's no way you can actually sit down and talk to Sam about all of this? He doesn't seem like the listening type, but you never know.
He is a pretty hard guy to talk to. He tells different versions of stories all the time, but when you call him on it, he just gets defensive. So, now I just avoid it. We argue alot, but he has never expressed this to me before. It wouldn't have been such an issue if he weren't blaming me for their actions.
Thank you for reading it and taking the time to help me.
I think it comes down to doing what is best for Jade, and to me, it sounds like having your stepfather in her life is part of that, regardless of what Sam thinks. As her primary caregiver and main parent, you're well within your bounds to tell him to piss off, too. (I mean, I know that wouldn't be a good idea in terms of keeping the peace, but he deserves to hear it.)
Basically, Sam was yelling at me for the way my stepdad thinks, or how Sam thinks he thinks. He called him a racist, which he may be, but he never brings that shit to my daughter or says anything negative to her.If he's never met your stepfather, then he's making baseless assumptions on a matter that frankly does not concern him because there is no harm being done to Jade, and in fact, it sounds far from it. And taking issue with you wanting to keep peace in your life for you and your daughter by not having him over when your family is visiting? That is a ridiculous and unfair control tactic
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He is definitely a manipulative bastard at times. I know he's a nice guy but he does so many stupid things to make you think he may have an alternative agenda.
I just hate having beef with him because then I can't ask him for money. And we are supposed to go to the club where he works this weekend. No doubt he will put on a show for my friends, who are smart enough to see through his act.
Is he passive-agressive? Like, maybe he doesn't feel like he has as much control in Jade's life as he'd like, so he basically resorts to throwing fits or temper tantrums to get you to react?
I think it's a good idea for you to keep Sam and your stepfather apart, since they probably won't get along and it will just cause problems. You're right, Jade doesn't need that negativity in her life. As long as Sam knows your stepdad is treating her right and loves her, which you tell him, he should not be worried about Jade being around him.
It really sounds like Sam needs to grow up a bit.
And happy birthday, I hope you have a wonderful day! :)
I definitely wouldn't want Sam and stepdad to meet. That's just drama waiting to happen. Does Sam have a father figure? I know it's tough for black men to know how to be a father. That comes from ramifications of so may things and it's such a complicated truth. He knows he's not doing enough in Jade's life, so it seems like he's trying to parent in spurts if that makes any sense. My brother is like that. He's very lowkey for a while, then when he's ready to be a dad, you had best do it on his schedule or you're trying to keep him from seeing his kid and blah blah blah.
Don't let him manipulate you and don't let him hold racism in your face. You are not responsible for the thoughts of your family. Just as long as Jade grows up knowing what she needs to know about race and gender, you'll be fine. Sam has no right to attack you and you don't deserve that.
I probably would let it die down for a while, then just move on.
Wow, you must know Sam. I think you summed it all up pretty well. He does try to parent in spurts. When I need him, he's all, "I have to do this and that". What about when I need to do something. He never helps
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I really don't understand the beef between them, because he is a very nice man.
Beef between parent(s) and siblings is almost always too complex for outsiders to understand. There are always these different "You did/n't do this when I was younger" factors and clashing personalities, things that started a looooong time ago and now would take almost as long for both parties to heal.
If both his parents worked a lot, therefore weren't really *there* in his life, then that may explain why Sam doesn't know how to be a dad. He has no one to emulate except his dad, who worked all the time to support their family. Sam apparently isn't working a lot or at all, and he may consciously or subconsciously feel like he's a failure since he's not living up to the only standard that he has been shown (now see below post about not being able to properly handle his frustrations). He doesn't realize that just spending time with your kid is just as important. I'm not even going to comment on the basketball/world famous CD. Not even going to go there. *
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As for Sam meeting your stepdad - I don't know if that's really necessary. They don't have to meet, and they likely never will unless they both go to some school function or something for Jade. In which case there will be lots of other people around, and hopefully they can manage to be civil towards each other?
I'm guessing there's no way you can actually sit down and talk to Sam about all of this? He doesn't seem like the listening type, but you never know.
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Thank you for reading it and taking the time to help me.
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Basically, Sam was yelling at me for the way my stepdad thinks, or how Sam thinks he thinks. He called him a racist, which he may be, but he never brings that shit to my daughter or says anything negative to her.If he's never met your stepfather, then he's making baseless assumptions on a matter that frankly does not concern him because there is no harm being done to Jade, and in fact, it sounds far from it. And taking issue with you wanting to keep peace in your life for you and your daughter by not having him over when your family is visiting? That is a ridiculous and unfair control tactic ( ... )
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I just hate having beef with him because then I can't ask him for money. And we are supposed to go to the club where he works this weekend. No doubt he will put on a show for my friends, who are smart enough to see through his act.
Thanks for your time and advice!
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Just a thought....
And any time!
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I'm going to read this later when I have more time to comment, but I wanted to tell you HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
(Sorry this is so late, but photobucket was being a PUNK!)
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All y'all are the bestest online friends evah!!
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It really sounds like Sam needs to grow up a bit.
And happy birthday, I hope you have a wonderful day! :)
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Don't let him manipulate you and don't let him hold racism in your face. You are not responsible for the thoughts of your family. Just as long as Jade grows up knowing what she needs to know about race and gender, you'll be fine. Sam has no right to attack you and you don't deserve that.
I probably would let it die down for a while, then just move on.
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Anyhoodle, the first section is short and will be up until Sunday night!
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Beef between parent(s) and siblings is almost always too complex for outsiders to understand. There are always these different "You did/n't do this when I was younger" factors and clashing personalities, things that started a looooong time ago and now would take almost as long for both parties to heal.
If both his parents worked a lot, therefore weren't really *there* in his life, then that may explain why Sam doesn't know how to be a dad. He has no one to emulate except his dad, who worked all the time to support their family. Sam apparently isn't working a lot or at all, and he may consciously or subconsciously feel like he's a failure since he's not living up to the only standard that he has been shown (now see below post about not being able to properly handle his frustrations). He doesn't realize that just spending time with your kid is just as important. I'm not even going to comment on the basketball/world famous CD. Not even going to go there. * ( ... )
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