[fic] And it looked like fire.
Seth closes the journal after he stares at it for an hour, perfectly aware that Rachel was never going to respond. He knows her well enough to know how she operates. If she tries in her own way to fix things and it's not fixed or responded to in a certain amount of time, she doesn't look back and she won't look back on him, on them, on this.
It doesn't mean that it still doesn't hit like boulders falling in, like the walls of this house caving in on him.
That it takes only two weeks of almost radio silence to destroy a friendship of nearly ten years.
Then again, he knew. He knew before he'd ever taken to pushing himself away from everyone else, from staring at her journal entry for hours trying to think of how to respond in a way that didn't make it seem like he was blaming for anything. Maybe it's why he was doing it to begin with beyond the pain of it, beyond the impossible pain of being in the same room with them, of knowing in his head that he has never been enough, not since he turned sixteen.
And he has known from that moment like being dipped into fire until all skin had burned away leaving nothing but the bare bones of the truth of it.
There was going to be a time when Rachel and Noah went somewhere that he could never reach.
Inch by inch, step by step. It's already been going on, and to do anything else, it would be fooling himself.
This way he gets to be the one that was the cataclysm of it all.
Seth remembers back when they were eleven maybe, and they would be taken out to the big field in the grass during gym. He used to be terrible at sports, terrible at hand-eye-coordination and speed, and with a habit of being clumsy while he was still trying to grow into his body. Sometimes he would trip. Either Rachel or Noah would walk back to him, and they would hold out their hands and pull him to his feet and the other would wait and they would carry on together, the three of them.
And he thought that no matter what happened if he fell, if he was slow, he knew he'd make it there, wherever there was supposed to be, whatever comes next because Rachel and Noah would stop and wait and grab his hand and pull him along.
Then you grow up, and he hasn't been clumsy since he became a demon. When you grow up, you realize your best friends are angels and you're a demon, your father is an angel and you're a demon, and there are roads they walk down that you never can reach.
Then you grow up, and you know your best friends are meant for great things like your father has done great things. They're meant to come up with the cure to some disease or to fight with knowledge against the trouble of this, to make great discoveries and to protect those that need protecting. And you are meant to tear someone's mind apart with their fear, and there are roads they walk down that you never can reach.
Then you grow up, and you realize your best friends are in love with each other. They have always had something more that you couldn't reach, but you were glad to be a part of it at all even if you were in love with one of them who didn't share those feelings. It was okay, because there were so many other roads to share together, that you were a part of, and you didn't try to hold on while they walked down another road, but then they know it and it's theirs after they've become angels, after they have other futures ahead of them, and there are roads they walk down that you never can reach.
It's not their fault, and it's not yours.
It's your decision, Rachel would say, and so he decided without deciding, kept quiet while knowing down deep, subconsciously what it would mean.
Maybe because it's easier to choose to walk down another road then to be forced down different roads at every turn, at every single moment.
Maybe because he wanted something to be his even something as terrible as this.
It doesn't mean that it still doesn't hit like boulders falling in, like the walls of this house caving in on him.
That it takes only two weeks of almost radio silence to destroy a friendship of nearly ten years.
Then again, he knew. He knew before he'd ever taken to pushing himself away from everyone else, from staring at her journal entry for hours trying to think of how to respond in a way that didn't make it seem like he was blaming for anything. Maybe it's why he was doing it to begin with beyond the pain of it, beyond the impossible pain of being in the same room with them, of knowing in his head that he has never been enough, not since he turned sixteen.
And he has known from that moment like being dipped into fire until all skin had burned away leaving nothing but the bare bones of the truth of it.
There was going to be a time when Rachel and Noah went somewhere that he could never reach.
Inch by inch, step by step. It's already been going on, and to do anything else, it would be fooling himself.
This way he gets to be the one that was the cataclysm of it all.
Seth remembers back when they were eleven maybe, and they would be taken out to the big field in the grass during gym. He used to be terrible at sports, terrible at hand-eye-coordination and speed, and with a habit of being clumsy while he was still trying to grow into his body. Sometimes he would trip. Either Rachel or Noah would walk back to him, and they would hold out their hands and pull him to his feet and the other would wait and they would carry on together, the three of them.
And he thought that no matter what happened if he fell, if he was slow, he knew he'd make it there, wherever there was supposed to be, whatever comes next because Rachel and Noah would stop and wait and grab his hand and pull him along.
Then you grow up, and he hasn't been clumsy since he became a demon. When you grow up, you realize your best friends are angels and you're a demon, your father is an angel and you're a demon, and there are roads they walk down that you never can reach.
Then you grow up, and you know your best friends are meant for great things like your father has done great things. They're meant to come up with the cure to some disease or to fight with knowledge against the trouble of this, to make great discoveries and to protect those that need protecting. And you are meant to tear someone's mind apart with their fear, and there are roads they walk down that you never can reach.
Then you grow up, and you realize your best friends are in love with each other. They have always had something more that you couldn't reach, but you were glad to be a part of it at all even if you were in love with one of them who didn't share those feelings. It was okay, because there were so many other roads to share together, that you were a part of, and you didn't try to hold on while they walked down another road, but then they know it and it's theirs after they've become angels, after they have other futures ahead of them, and there are roads they walk down that you never can reach.
It's not their fault, and it's not yours.
It's your decision, Rachel would say, and so he decided without deciding, kept quiet while knowing down deep, subconsciously what it would mean.
Maybe because it's easier to choose to walk down another road then to be forced down different roads at every turn, at every single moment.
Maybe because he wanted something to be his even something as terrible as this.