The Movie "Serenity" In 2000 Words Or Less
TEACHER: We're the Alliance. We're good and noble and only want to help everybody, and we'll totally kick your ass if you dare say different.
YOUNG RIVER: I don't care, you're meddlesome and you poke things into people's heads.
TEACHER: No we don't. *Pokes pen into River's head*
DOCTOR: Ah, she's dreaming again. *Pokes probe into River's head*
SIMON IN MILITARY DRAG: Do I make you nervous?
SIMON FANS: Awwwww, isn't he CUTE?
SIMON: *Stuns everybody with some funky device and rescues River*
OPERATIVE: Freeze frame.
DOCTOR: How dare you watch my video!
OPERATIVE: You idiot, you put key members of Parliament in a room with a psychic! You should fall on your sword.
DOCTOR: I don't have a sword.
OPERATIVE: *draws sword*
DOCTOR: Gulp.
OPERATIVE: *kills guards, paralyzes doctor with Secret Vulcan Hip Pinch, kneels with sword upraised* This is a good death. We're building a better world. And I'm a total fucking psychopath.
DOCTOR: *Falls on sword* Gurk!
OPERATIVE: Now where are you hiding, little girl?
JOSS WHEDON: Wasn't that a cool bunch of transitions? Now watch the intro scene designed for people who haven't seen the series! I promise you'll like it anyway!
SERENITY: *Flies through space, goes in for re-entry*
FANS: Woo-hoo!
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T SEEN THE SERIES: Why is everybody cheering?
SERENITY: *loses piece off her nose*
MAL: What was that?
WASH: This is going to be interesting. By the way, if you saw the series, you know I'm the lovable, mild-mannered pilot with a deadpan sense of humor.
MAL: Define "Interesting."
WASH: (deadpan) Oh god, oh god, we're all going to die?
FANS SEEING THE MOVIE FOR THE FIRST TIME: LOL! Even if Whedon kills off a character, as he's been known to do, it couldn't possibly be Wash!
FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: Whedon, you bastard!
JAYNE: I'm a badass with lots of big guns. If you saw the series, you know there's a town where they think I'm like Robin Hood.
ZOE: I'm a bigger badass than he'll ever be, even though I only have one gun. If you saw the series, you know I fought in the big war with Mal and then married Wash.
KAYLEE: I'm the cute, happy, earthy mechanic. If you saw the series you know I totally want to jump Simon's bones.
SIMON: You can't take my sister along on this dangerous job!
MAL: Watch me. River, do you know what you're doing?
RIVER: Do you?
MAL: Pffft. This is what I do.
Joss Whedon: Yeah, baby. This is what I do.
FANS: WOW! That shot went on for like ten minutes without a single cut! That was way cool! Wait a minute, where are Inara and Book?
JAYNE: Let's be bad guys.
GUARD: You need authorization!
JAYNE: *Opens fire*
GUARD: OK!
MAL: Shiny!
RIVER: *Goes into a fit*
JAYNE: Reavers!
REAVERS: GRAAAR!
EVERYBODY ELSE: Run away like little girls!
MAN FROM BAR: Take me with you!
MAL: No! I have to show how dark I am in this movie! *Knocks him down*
REAVERS: GRAAR!
MAN FROM BAR: Augh!
MAL: Bang!
MAN FROM BAR: Gurk.
REAVERS: Aw, man, why'd you hafta go spoil our dinner?
MAL, ZOE, JAYNE, RIVER: Zoom.
REAVER SHIP: GRAAAAR!
SERENITY: *Scoops up away team, plus a piece of the Reaver ship*
REAVER: GRAR!
EVERY CREWMEMBER WITH A GUN: Bang!
REAVER: Gurk.
RIVER: He didn't lie down. They never lie down.
EVERYBODY ELSE: We're going to ignore that bit of foreshadowing because she's always spouting crazy shit like that.
SIMON: How dare you risk River's life! We're off the ship next chance we get!
KAYLEE: No, wait!
MAL: Fine, leave.
KAYLEE: I guess this is goodbye, but because I'm too scared to tell you I totally want to jump your bones, I'll give you advice instead. *Leaves*
SIMON: Boy, I totally wanted to jump her bones. *Leaves*
KAYLEE (to MAL): Gorrammit, I totally wanted to jump his bones!
MAL: He probably didn't want you. If I wanted someone I'd go get her.
KAYLEE: Tell that to Inara! *Leaves*
FANS: Woo-hoo! Go Kaylee!
WEIRD ASIAN-LOOKING ADVERTISEMENT: I'm not a subliminal message!
SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE: River, set kickass mode ON!
RIVER: Miranda! *Kicks everybody's ass, including Jayne's*
SIMON: (In Russian) River, set kickass mode OFF!
RIVER: *Faints*
MAL: You got some 'splaining to do!
WASH: Tell me the story again, I love it when Jayne gets his ass kicked by little girls! Especially since he can't stop me from teasing him about it because he's scared of my wife!
MR. UNIVERSE: I'm a hacker with all kinds of cool stuff, but I have a lovebot, so I guess that means I'm pathetic and have no life. Well, enough about me, the Alliance knows who you are so you better run like little girls.
MAL & CREW: *run like little girls*
BOOK: Finally I get a scene. They're going to send an Operative after you.
MAL: You know an awful lot about the Alliance. Someday you have to tell me about that.
BOOK: No I don't.
JOSS WHEDON: *snicker*
FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: Whedon, you bastard!
INARA: Finally I get a scene too! I'm going to call Mal and not fight with him so he knows it's a trap and won't come.
MAL: It's a trap. Let's go.
OPERATIVE: I'm unarmed.
MAL: Bang!
OPERATIVE: But I do have armor, you idiot. Shoulda gone for the headshot. *Kicks Mal's ass*
INARA: That's not incense!
NOT INCENSE: FLASH-BANG!
MAL and INARA: *Run like little girls.*
JAYNE: Why do we even have these gorram people on board?
MAL: You want to run the ship?
JAYNE: YES!
MAL: Well... you can't!
FANS: LOL!
JAYNE: I'm going to slander your war record.
MAL: *smolders*
ZOE: You want to leave this room.
JAYNE: *Runs like a little girl* I hate it when she does that. Now I'm going to go take care of that little psycho.
RIVER: *Hides on ceiling* Thwack!
CREW: Crap, she's locked us out!
MAL: *sneaks*
RIVER: *points gun at Mal* Go to planet Miranda.
ZOE: All the Reavers in the 'verse are in the way!
MAL: We're going to run like little girls instead.
CREW: Oh shit, they shot up Book's planet!
BOOK: I wish my last moments had a better camera angle than right up my nose! *dies*
FANS SEEING THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME: Augh! They killed Book! Well, OK, at least it could have been worse. Whedon's shot his wad, and we won't lose anybody else.
JOSS WHEDON: *snicker*
CREW: Oh shit, they shot up all our friends' planets too!
OPERATIVE: This is all your fault. We're making a better world. And by the way, I'm totally fucking psycho.
MAL: *snaps* OK, fine! We're disguising ourselves as Reavers and going to Miranda!
SERENITY IN REAVER DRAG: *sneaks through Reaver fleet*
CREW: Oh please, oh please let this work!
JAYNE: *Cradles gun* Oh please, oh please don't let me piss myself!
CREW: Whew. Wait, this planet is full of people who died for no apparent reason.
JOSS WHEDON: *points camera at Wash for no apparent reason*
FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: AAAUGH! Whedon, you bastard!
WOMAN IN VIDEO: We meant to make everybody calm and happy. They got so calm they happily lay down and starved to death. We didn't mean it, honest!
OFFSCREEN IN VIDEO: GRAAAR!
WOMAN IN VIDEO: By the way, some of the people did not get calm and happy and lay down.
NOT CALM, NOT HAPPY PERSON IN VIDEO: GRAAAR! Munch munch munch.
MAL: I'm tired of running like a little girl. I aim to misbehave.
OPERATIVE: Ha ha, here I am with a bunch of big ships and you're coming straight at me with your dinky little freighter!
ALL THE REAVERS IN THE 'VERSE: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
OPERATIVE: *runs like a little girl*
RUTTIN' HUGE SPACE BATTLE: *Ensues*
WASH: I am a leaf on the wind. *Shows the world what a badass pilot he is*
MAL: We're being followed! They shot us!
WASH: It's OK, I'm a leaf on the wind!
SERENITY: *skids to a stop, losing many pieces*
FANS: Oh my god, they killed Serenity!
CREW: Oh my god, we're alive, Whedon didn't kill any of us!
FANS SEEING THE MOVIE FOR THE FIRST TIME: Whew. Wait, why is my friend who already saw this movie cringing and whimpering?
WASH: Whew. I really am a leaf on the wind.
GIANT SPIKE: No, you're a leaf pinned to a chair.
WASH: Gurk.
FANS: AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH! No, he can't really be dead! That's not really a foot-wide spike in his chest! You can't really kill Wash! Waaaaaah!
JOSS WHEDON: *snicker*
CREW: Run like little girls! If Joss killed Wash, nobody's safe!
JAYNE: Well, maybe I am?
ZOE: I'll hold them here.
MAL: Everybody hold them here, I'm going for the transmitter.
INARA: Joss, you bastard! We're up against Reavers and you made me wear nothing but a leather bra and carry a wimpy-ass little crossbow! I bet I'm next on your kill list!
ZOE: Joss, you bastard! You killed my husband! I dare you to kill me too so I can haunt you from the afterlife!
REAVERS: GRAAAAAR!
KAYLEE: Crap, we really are all going to die.
SIMON: My only regret is that I didn't get to jump your bones.
KAYLEE: Really? Well, then I want to live! Joss, if you kill him now I'll stuff a compression coil up your ass sideways!
MAL: Boy this transmitter is hard to get to.
OPERATIVE: Especially if I shoot you in the back. Good thing I just have this wimpy stunner or this movie would be over right now.
MAL: Good thing I have a real gun. Bang!
OPERATIVE: Shit! *hides*
MAL: *swings on chains*
OPERATIVE: Shoulda gone for the headshot again! *Paralyzes Mal with Secret Vulcan Hip Pinch*
REAVERS: *break down door*
ZOE: GRAR!
REAVERS: GRAAAAAR!
CREW: We're all getting shot! Get inside the blast door! Oh crap, it won't shut!
FANS SEEING THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME: Whedon you bastard, you really are going to kill them all!
FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: Wait for it.... wait...
RIVER: My turn! *Throws medical bag, shuts blast door, gets dragged off by Reavers*
MAL: Neener neener, I wasn't really paralyzed. *breaks Operative's throat and shoulders, ties him up, sends video to the whole 'verse*
FANS: Woo-hoo!
OPERATIVE: Dammit, Whedon, you said I could kill him! *Watches video*
MAL: Wow, crew, you're all shot up. Where's River?
RIVER: *In closeup, punches out a Reaver who looks an awful lot like Joss Whedon*
FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: *snicker*
REAVERS: Grar?
RIVER: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! *Kills all the vampires, I mean Reavers*
FANS: Wooooo-hooooo!
BUFFY FANS: Haven't we seen this somewhere before? Oh well, it's still way cool!
ALLIANCE TROOPS: GRAAR!
OPERATIVE: Stand down. Everybody gets out of jail free. These aren't the droids you're looking for.
MAL: Well, the ship is fixed now. I still want to kill you, Operative.
OPERATIVE: That's OK, you'll never see me again, I'm either going to fall on my sword or kill the whole Parliament, but I won't tell you which because I'm still a total psycho.
FANS: Whew, for a second there, we thought Whedon was going to make him the new pilot or something!
KAYLEE AND SIMON: *Totally jump each others' bones*
FANS: Say, who *is* going to fly the ship now, anyway?
RIVER: *flies ship.*
FANS: Whaaaat?
SERENITY: *Loses a piece off her tail.*
CREDITS: *Roll*
THEME MUSIC: *finally plays*
YOUNG RIVER: I don't care, you're meddlesome and you poke things into people's heads.
TEACHER: No we don't. *Pokes pen into River's head*
DOCTOR: Ah, she's dreaming again. *Pokes probe into River's head*
SIMON IN MILITARY DRAG: Do I make you nervous?
SIMON FANS: Awwwww, isn't he CUTE?
SIMON: *Stuns everybody with some funky device and rescues River*
OPERATIVE: Freeze frame.
DOCTOR: How dare you watch my video!
OPERATIVE: You idiot, you put key members of Parliament in a room with a psychic! You should fall on your sword.
DOCTOR: I don't have a sword.
OPERATIVE: *draws sword*
DOCTOR: Gulp.
OPERATIVE: *kills guards, paralyzes doctor with Secret Vulcan Hip Pinch, kneels with sword upraised* This is a good death. We're building a better world. And I'm a total fucking psychopath.
DOCTOR: *Falls on sword* Gurk!
OPERATIVE: Now where are you hiding, little girl?
JOSS WHEDON: Wasn't that a cool bunch of transitions? Now watch the intro scene designed for people who haven't seen the series! I promise you'll like it anyway!
SERENITY: *Flies through space, goes in for re-entry*
FANS: Woo-hoo!
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T SEEN THE SERIES: Why is everybody cheering?
SERENITY: *loses piece off her nose*
MAL: What was that?
WASH: This is going to be interesting. By the way, if you saw the series, you know I'm the lovable, mild-mannered pilot with a deadpan sense of humor.
MAL: Define "Interesting."
WASH: (deadpan) Oh god, oh god, we're all going to die?
FANS SEEING THE MOVIE FOR THE FIRST TIME: LOL! Even if Whedon kills off a character, as he's been known to do, it couldn't possibly be Wash!
FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: Whedon, you bastard!
JAYNE: I'm a badass with lots of big guns. If you saw the series, you know there's a town where they think I'm like Robin Hood.
ZOE: I'm a bigger badass than he'll ever be, even though I only have one gun. If you saw the series, you know I fought in the big war with Mal and then married Wash.
KAYLEE: I'm the cute, happy, earthy mechanic. If you saw the series you know I totally want to jump Simon's bones.
SIMON: You can't take my sister along on this dangerous job!
MAL: Watch me. River, do you know what you're doing?
RIVER: Do you?
MAL: Pffft. This is what I do.
Joss Whedon: Yeah, baby. This is what I do.
FANS: WOW! That shot went on for like ten minutes without a single cut! That was way cool! Wait a minute, where are Inara and Book?
JAYNE: Let's be bad guys.
GUARD: You need authorization!
JAYNE: *Opens fire*
GUARD: OK!
MAL: Shiny!
RIVER: *Goes into a fit*
JAYNE: Reavers!
REAVERS: GRAAAR!
EVERYBODY ELSE: Run away like little girls!
MAN FROM BAR: Take me with you!
MAL: No! I have to show how dark I am in this movie! *Knocks him down*
REAVERS: GRAAR!
MAN FROM BAR: Augh!
MAL: Bang!
MAN FROM BAR: Gurk.
REAVERS: Aw, man, why'd you hafta go spoil our dinner?
MAL, ZOE, JAYNE, RIVER: Zoom.
REAVER SHIP: GRAAAAR!
SERENITY: *Scoops up away team, plus a piece of the Reaver ship*
REAVER: GRAR!
EVERY CREWMEMBER WITH A GUN: Bang!
REAVER: Gurk.
RIVER: He didn't lie down. They never lie down.
EVERYBODY ELSE: We're going to ignore that bit of foreshadowing because she's always spouting crazy shit like that.
SIMON: How dare you risk River's life! We're off the ship next chance we get!
KAYLEE: No, wait!
MAL: Fine, leave.
KAYLEE: I guess this is goodbye, but because I'm too scared to tell you I totally want to jump your bones, I'll give you advice instead. *Leaves*
SIMON: Boy, I totally wanted to jump her bones. *Leaves*
KAYLEE (to MAL): Gorrammit, I totally wanted to jump his bones!
MAL: He probably didn't want you. If I wanted someone I'd go get her.
KAYLEE: Tell that to Inara! *Leaves*
FANS: Woo-hoo! Go Kaylee!
WEIRD ASIAN-LOOKING ADVERTISEMENT: I'm not a subliminal message!
SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE: River, set kickass mode ON!
RIVER: Miranda! *Kicks everybody's ass, including Jayne's*
SIMON: (In Russian) River, set kickass mode OFF!
RIVER: *Faints*
MAL: You got some 'splaining to do!
WASH: Tell me the story again, I love it when Jayne gets his ass kicked by little girls! Especially since he can't stop me from teasing him about it because he's scared of my wife!
MR. UNIVERSE: I'm a hacker with all kinds of cool stuff, but I have a lovebot, so I guess that means I'm pathetic and have no life. Well, enough about me, the Alliance knows who you are so you better run like little girls.
MAL & CREW: *run like little girls*
BOOK: Finally I get a scene. They're going to send an Operative after you.
MAL: You know an awful lot about the Alliance. Someday you have to tell me about that.
BOOK: No I don't.
JOSS WHEDON: *snicker*
FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: Whedon, you bastard!
INARA: Finally I get a scene too! I'm going to call Mal and not fight with him so he knows it's a trap and won't come.
MAL: It's a trap. Let's go.
OPERATIVE: I'm unarmed.
MAL: Bang!
OPERATIVE: But I do have armor, you idiot. Shoulda gone for the headshot. *Kicks Mal's ass*
INARA: That's not incense!
NOT INCENSE: FLASH-BANG!
MAL and INARA: *Run like little girls.*
JAYNE: Why do we even have these gorram people on board?
MAL: You want to run the ship?
JAYNE: YES!
MAL: Well... you can't!
FANS: LOL!
JAYNE: I'm going to slander your war record.
MAL: *smolders*
ZOE: You want to leave this room.
JAYNE: *Runs like a little girl* I hate it when she does that. Now I'm going to go take care of that little psycho.
RIVER: *Hides on ceiling* Thwack!
CREW: Crap, she's locked us out!
MAL: *sneaks*
RIVER: *points gun at Mal* Go to planet Miranda.
ZOE: All the Reavers in the 'verse are in the way!
MAL: We're going to run like little girls instead.
CREW: Oh shit, they shot up Book's planet!
BOOK: I wish my last moments had a better camera angle than right up my nose! *dies*
FANS SEEING THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME: Augh! They killed Book! Well, OK, at least it could have been worse. Whedon's shot his wad, and we won't lose anybody else.
JOSS WHEDON: *snicker*
CREW: Oh shit, they shot up all our friends' planets too!
OPERATIVE: This is all your fault. We're making a better world. And by the way, I'm totally fucking psycho.
MAL: *snaps* OK, fine! We're disguising ourselves as Reavers and going to Miranda!
SERENITY IN REAVER DRAG: *sneaks through Reaver fleet*
CREW: Oh please, oh please let this work!
JAYNE: *Cradles gun* Oh please, oh please don't let me piss myself!
CREW: Whew. Wait, this planet is full of people who died for no apparent reason.
JOSS WHEDON: *points camera at Wash for no apparent reason*
FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: AAAUGH! Whedon, you bastard!
WOMAN IN VIDEO: We meant to make everybody calm and happy. They got so calm they happily lay down and starved to death. We didn't mean it, honest!
OFFSCREEN IN VIDEO: GRAAAR!
WOMAN IN VIDEO: By the way, some of the people did not get calm and happy and lay down.
NOT CALM, NOT HAPPY PERSON IN VIDEO: GRAAAR! Munch munch munch.
MAL: I'm tired of running like a little girl. I aim to misbehave.
OPERATIVE: Ha ha, here I am with a bunch of big ships and you're coming straight at me with your dinky little freighter!
ALL THE REAVERS IN THE 'VERSE: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
OPERATIVE: *runs like a little girl*
RUTTIN' HUGE SPACE BATTLE: *Ensues*
WASH: I am a leaf on the wind. *Shows the world what a badass pilot he is*
MAL: We're being followed! They shot us!
WASH: It's OK, I'm a leaf on the wind!
SERENITY: *skids to a stop, losing many pieces*
FANS: Oh my god, they killed Serenity!
CREW: Oh my god, we're alive, Whedon didn't kill any of us!
FANS SEEING THE MOVIE FOR THE FIRST TIME: Whew. Wait, why is my friend who already saw this movie cringing and whimpering?
WASH: Whew. I really am a leaf on the wind.
GIANT SPIKE: No, you're a leaf pinned to a chair.
WASH: Gurk.
FANS: AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH! No, he can't really be dead! That's not really a foot-wide spike in his chest! You can't really kill Wash! Waaaaaah!
JOSS WHEDON: *snicker*
CREW: Run like little girls! If Joss killed Wash, nobody's safe!
JAYNE: Well, maybe I am?
ZOE: I'll hold them here.
MAL: Everybody hold them here, I'm going for the transmitter.
INARA: Joss, you bastard! We're up against Reavers and you made me wear nothing but a leather bra and carry a wimpy-ass little crossbow! I bet I'm next on your kill list!
ZOE: Joss, you bastard! You killed my husband! I dare you to kill me too so I can haunt you from the afterlife!
REAVERS: GRAAAAAR!
KAYLEE: Crap, we really are all going to die.
SIMON: My only regret is that I didn't get to jump your bones.
KAYLEE: Really? Well, then I want to live! Joss, if you kill him now I'll stuff a compression coil up your ass sideways!
MAL: Boy this transmitter is hard to get to.
OPERATIVE: Especially if I shoot you in the back. Good thing I just have this wimpy stunner or this movie would be over right now.
MAL: Good thing I have a real gun. Bang!
OPERATIVE: Shit! *hides*
MAL: *swings on chains*
OPERATIVE: Shoulda gone for the headshot again! *Paralyzes Mal with Secret Vulcan Hip Pinch*
REAVERS: *break down door*
ZOE: GRAR!
REAVERS: GRAAAAAR!
CREW: We're all getting shot! Get inside the blast door! Oh crap, it won't shut!
FANS SEEING THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME: Whedon you bastard, you really are going to kill them all!
FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: Wait for it.... wait...
RIVER: My turn! *Throws medical bag, shuts blast door, gets dragged off by Reavers*
MAL: Neener neener, I wasn't really paralyzed. *breaks Operative's throat and shoulders, ties him up, sends video to the whole 'verse*
FANS: Woo-hoo!
OPERATIVE: Dammit, Whedon, you said I could kill him! *Watches video*
MAL: Wow, crew, you're all shot up. Where's River?
RIVER: *In closeup, punches out a Reaver who looks an awful lot like Joss Whedon*
FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: *snicker*
REAVERS: Grar?
RIVER: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! *Kills all the vampires, I mean Reavers*
FANS: Wooooo-hooooo!
BUFFY FANS: Haven't we seen this somewhere before? Oh well, it's still way cool!
ALLIANCE TROOPS: GRAAR!
OPERATIVE: Stand down. Everybody gets out of jail free. These aren't the droids you're looking for.
MAL: Well, the ship is fixed now. I still want to kill you, Operative.
OPERATIVE: That's OK, you'll never see me again, I'm either going to fall on my sword or kill the whole Parliament, but I won't tell you which because I'm still a total psycho.
FANS: Whew, for a second there, we thought Whedon was going to make him the new pilot or something!
KAYLEE AND SIMON: *Totally jump each others' bones*
FANS: Say, who *is* going to fly the ship now, anyway?
RIVER: *flies ship.*
FANS: Whaaaat?
SERENITY: *Loses a piece off her tail.*
CREDITS: *Roll*
THEME MUSIC: *finally plays*