Wintry Calm (so in love with the wrong world) 7/13

[ceeebee]

It was surprising how quickly the four of them seemed to ease into a routine that worked. In fact, by the end of their first week under the same roof, Arthur was finding it hard to imagine what it would be like when Merlin and Morgana eventually left-which they would-and when things would have to return to how they had been before.

Return to normal.

For now though, Arthur would wake up early as he always had, turn to look at Gwen's face as was custom, and make his way down to the dining room. That was where normality turned into something truly delightful as he laid out paper and pencils and settled down with his head tipped back, feeling the back of the cool wooden chair pressing up into his neck.

Within about half an hour, there would be the telltale sounds of someone light but heavy footed, clumsily making his way downstairs, and then Merlin would burst in to meet him-a wonderful flurry of mussed black hair and bed socks.

"What today?" Merlin would ask, always pulling up the chair directly beside Arthur's despite there being no less than nine in all around the table, before proceeding to teeter dangerously close to invading the blonde's personal space to a gross level. Although with Merlin, 'gross' was never quite the word-Arthur loathed to admit it, but there was nothing at all unpleasant about the way the boy jostled him with bony elbows as he flamboyantly sharpened a pencil just because he liked the sound of the tiny silver blade chipping away at the wood and how the shavings floated down onto the tabletop to gather in a little, unorganised pile.

Arthur wasn't even sure how he had learnt these small details about Merlin, only that he would always be the one to roll his eyes and lodge his fingers behind the clump of pencil shavings before sweeping them neatly into his palm.

"It was already sharp," he'd grumble with no real bite to his voice, as he stood up in order to drop the residue into the wastepaper basket. Merlin wouldn't reply to the statement though, instead changing the subject to something altogether stupid and random yet somehow still stimulating in an odd little way.

Like the time he'd asked whether you could get hair dye for elephants:

"Why? Do you want to dye your hair, Merlin?"

"What? I'm not an elephant! Arthur, don't you dare touch my ears, you prat!"

Or the day he had inquired about the feathery hat he'd found in the spare room:

"If you don't sit still and read me what this says, I'll have you wearing that hat for a week."

"Oh my God, seriously? Okay, Christ, I'll read the sentence..."

And through all these pointless conversations, Arthur gathered more about the young man than could possibly be standard after such a short amount of time:

He knew that Merlin's favourite colour was midnight blue, and that his favourite animals were cats. He knew that Merlin felt sick after drinking too much hot chocolate, but would continue to drink it regardless. He knew that Merlin liked to prop his chin on the dining room table and open and shut his mouth because it 'felt funny'. He knew a hundred things about Merlin that he had never intended to find out, but none of them included details about his past, or why Arthur could sometimes hear the faint sounds of crying coming from the spare room when it was so late at night that morning was beginning to bully its way into existence.

However, he intended for Merlin to tell him one day because he couldn't stand the thought of letting him go without knowing the full story, no matter how terrible that story might turn out to be.

For now though and for the next few months, Arthur would start each day like this: with his hand closed around Merlin's, guiding them both across smooth sheets of paper.

***

A few minutes after Merlin had sat down, both he and Arthur looked up to the sound of Gwen wondering into the room and murmuring a sleepy "Good morning" before she pecked Arthur on the cheek, ruffled Merlin's hair, and headed into the kitchen to search through the cupboards for her seemingly never-ending stash of cereal bars.

Once they had been located, she meandered back upstairs to find Morgana.

Not long after that, the boys heard the front door open and close as the two women let themselves out to go jogging again. Their daily runs had become as traditional as Merlin's reading lessons.

"How long have you and Gwen been together?" Merlin asked, his tongue still poking out the corner of his mouth as he tried to copy out a sentence Arthur had written.

At this the blonde frowned, although he wasn't sure if it because he knew why Merlin was curious or because the question had caused him to lose focus, and the 'B' in one of the words had ended up slightly squished.

"A long time...she's lived with me since she was about eight...hey!" He quickly reached over to give Merlin's hand a little tap, nudging him so that the word didn't start to trail diagonally down the page.

The other's mouth turned down slightly. He knew about how Gwen used to work for the Pendragons-she had told him when they were washing up in the kitchen together.

"Yeah," he went on, gazing at him curiously as he flicked in two, neat 'L's on the sheet of paper. "But you haven't been going out with her since she was eight, have you?"

"No," Arthur replied and rolled his eyes. "But I have ever since she turned eighteen. So four years."

Merlin whistled, studiously avoiding Arthur's gaze. "And were there any other...girls before Gwen?"

"A couple," the blonde admitted, amused at the way Merlin glanced up and away again quickly when he almost caught his eyes, "and some boys."

"Oh." Merlin's breath caught a little, and his hand slipped, creating a grey groove across the paper.

Arthur smirked then hesitated slightly. He had told himself that there was more than enough time to find out all the things that Merlin kept hidden from him, and every night he went to bed convincing himself that he would be patient and wait until the boy brought it up himself. But hey, if Merlin was allowed to be so nosy, why couldn't Arthur be?

"What about you?" he asked, picking up a rubber and getting rid of the misplaced pencil mark with long, smooth strokes. He didn't miss the way Merlin's eyes followed the movement, focussing on the stretch in his biceps, and the way his forefinger and thumb were firm on the innocent piece of stationary.

"What about me?" the younger man mumbled, voice sounding a little hoarse.

"Were you with anyone before you came over the Wall?" Arthur pulled his arm back, letting the eraser drop from his hand and bounce slightly against the table top.

Merlin's eyes moved from his arm, tracking the eraser's motion as it rolled.

At this the blonde wondered whether the younger man would ever drag his eyes upwards and was about to consider clicking his fingers in front of his face to get his attention, when he looked up by himself in silence.

Merlin's skin was naturally pale, so more than once Arthur had compared him to a ghost in the comfort of his own mind. Something ethereal and soft and untouchable.

He had often compared him to a ghost, but never had the look in the other's eyes been so...lifeless until that very moment. Immediately he felt wrong footed and possibly, maybe the smallest bit guilty, having half a mind to backtrack and give him some kind of roundabout apology.

But then Merlin gave him a lopsided smile, replying, "A couple of girls. Some boys."

In that instant, Arthur swallowed, nostrils flaring slightly as he heard his own words repeated back to him in Merlin's mocking tones. For a second, there was silence before he nodded back towards the paper.

"Let's finish," he sighed, and Merlin's fingers tightened around his pencil.

With a final flourish he completed the sentence: Arthur is Brilliant.

***

Morgana's stamina was slowly growing and becoming greater with every early morning run.

Gwen nudged her with an elbow when they passed by an old warehouse for broken down vehicles: it had been their target for days, and Morgana couldn't help the huge grin that took over her face when they left it behind them. Sure, she was tired now, but she wasn't anywhere near her limit yet.

"How much further d'you think you can go?" Gwen smiled, not even trying to cover up the fondness in her expression.

Morgana glanced over at her and suddenly felt a little more breathless. Apart from Merlin, she had never met anyone with such expressive features, and it wasn't even subconscious anymore when she migrated ever closer to the other woman, kicking up snow at exactly the same pace.

"Not sure," she replied between breaths, "perhaps half an hour?"

"Okay." Gwen glanced down at her watch, and Morgana knew she was working out exactly when time would be up. She always made Morgana stop running after whatever amount of time she had suggested even if, at the end of that time, she felt like she could go a little further.

"We'll add it to our target for tomorrow," she'd say, whipping a cereal bar out of her pocket and pressing it into Morgana's hand.

Now they ran in perfect time with each other, un-gloved fingers flexing ever so slightly as the snow continued to fall.

"Morgana?" Gwen said, as they skirted round an icy puddle.

"Yeah?" it came out as a short pant, and the truth was that she was slightly too out of breath to really do the whole talking thing, but she wanted to hear what Gwen had to say. She pretty much always wanted to hear what Gwen had to say. Morgana wondered with a pang what she would do when Morgause finally called her and when she would have to face the idea of never hearing Gwen again.

"Who is Merlin to you?" the other woman was now looking at her out of the corner of her eye, seemingly reluctant to meet her gaze head on.

Morgana kept staring ahead anyway, placing one foot determinedly in front of the other.

"I...I don't really know," she admitted, suddenly accosted by memories of a small, big eared child curled up in the gutter. "I guess he's sort of like a brother."

"You're very close," Gwen stated softly, appearing to be no longer bothered about looking at Morgana's face as she searched for a reaction.

"He means everything to me," Morgana told her simply, "I don't know how I could ever function without him." She laughed without humour. "Someone once called him my only weakness."

"It's not weak to need something, or someone." Gwen's reply was instant and firm. "It's just being human."

And she sounded so certain, was staring so openly at Morgana, that the younger girl stopped to catch her breath for the first time since they left the house, eyes meeting hers.

"I wouldn't have it any other way," Morgana claimed with a shrug, knowing that it was true. After all, she didn't want to live a life where Merlin didn't exist, and she didn't want to imagine what things would have been like if she hadn't found him in the first place.

"I don't think he would, either." Gwen's smile was a little sad. At that moment, Morgana wondered why and whether it was Arthur's fault. God knows, she thought to herself, for she needed reasons to hate Arthur. Arthur, who Merlin was head over heels for and who Gwen was bound to, even though it was obvious to anyone who was with the couple for more than a few days that they were unwillingly joined.

It was like someone had stitched them together without taking into consideration that they obviously belonged to different garments, and now a sharper needle was needed to pick out the thread.

Or perhaps two needles, Morgana pondered as she recalled the time Arthur had first laid eyes on both her and Merlin, huddled on his doorstep.

"How much time left?" she asked with a small shake of her head. Gwen glanced down at her watch again.

"Fifteen minutes," she answered before looking up to meet her gaze. "You wanna walk the rest?"

"Walking and talking," Morgana breathed with a smile, "sounds good."

With that, Gwen dropped an empty cereal bar packet into a bin as they turned the corner. Then, after a few seconds, she sighed and murmured, "I have a brother."

In response, Morgana stared at her curiously. "You never mentioned..."

"He's not a very major part of my life right now." Gwen's voice was bitter as she scuffed her trainers on the pavement, "I haven't seen him in almost four months, anyway."

The other girl bit her lip, thinking about how she hadn't even met her brother until she was nineteen. But then something clicked, and she found herself inquiring instead:

"Wasn't it around that long ago that Arthur stopped talking to Uther?"

Gwen looked taken aback that Morgana had remembered, though not entirely pleased. "Yeah," she sighed before continuing, "and yes, both those things are linked."

"How?" Morgana didn't even try to hide how interested she was, and Gwen managed a small, weary smile.

"Elyan used to live with my father just on the edge of the Right side-practically on the Wall. Because of how long I had been working for the Pendragons, he was basically given an honourary knighthood when he turned eighteen. Of course, he's an excellent fighter, and if the system were a little fairer then they probably would have accepted him anyway." She looked down at her watch again then shoved her hand back in her pocket and murmured, "Five minutes."

"Hmm. But I don't see what your brother being a Knight had to do with..." Morgana trailed off, gesturing vaguely with her hands to insinuate Arthur's fall out with his father.

"I'm getting there." Gwen grinned fully this time, and the other flicked her shoulder.

"Go on then!"

"Okay-well," Gwen began, tugging on Morgana's arm to make her turn around so they were heading back the other way. "He and Arthur were pretty close-I mean, they got on really well which was great. But Elyan never agreed with the idea of the Wall. He passed on all his views to me actually, and then he passed them on to Arthur as well. Elyan's been working with people on the other side..." In that instant, she looked uncertain whether she ought to continue, but then something hit Morgana like a punch in the belly, making her abruptly gasp:

"Gwaine?"

Gwen blinked, mouth popping open in surprise. "I...yeah, that was his name-Elyan told me about him. It was years and years ago now, but they were in contact. How do you know Gwaine? How do you know that Elyan was talking to him?"

Morgana just shook her head, trying to process this new information-that Gwen had been part of her life for so much longer than was believable-and congratulated herself on making the connection. She could still remember it now as clear as day, stumbling into Gwaine's house for the first time and hearing him yelling on the phone:

"Ask Ely- what the fuck d'you mean 'Elyan isn't around'? It was his idea... fuck the Authorities, Percy. Jesus Christ."

"Gwaine was..." she began, but then it was her turn to pause, biting her lip.

"If you tell me, I'll tell you," Gwen spoke with a shrug, "and I promise to keep this whole conversation a secret."

There was a long pause.

"I still don't know if I can trust you," Morgana admitted softly, frustrated at how guilty it made her feel at that point.

"I don't know if I can trust you, either," Gwen pointed out, and it was this mutuality that made Morgana think: Fuck it.

"I used to live with Gwaine. In fact, I was living with him a few weeks ago before...well, shit happened, and I ended up here. No offense."

"None taken," Gwen reassured, but she looked as overwhelmed as Morgana felt. "Wait-you lived with him? Morgana, you know he's been plotting an assassination on Aredian?"

"Yes." Morgana's voice was steely and biting. "And I always supported him. But when he met me and Merlin...well, that kind of thing took a backseat for him, I think. Not for me though. I still want what he fought for."

Gwen only frowned at her. "Why did you leave him?" she asked, but Morgana wouldn't say anymore.

"You have to tell me about Elyan now." the younger girl insisted.

"Okay." Gwen nodded thoughtfully. "Well...after he was Knighted, obviously he had to be a lot more careful. He dropped out of plans he'd made himself, and everything was just becoming much too dangerous. That was until he got Arthur on board, anyway. He convinced Arthur that what Aredian was doing was wrong, and to be honest, it didn't take much. Arthur had been on his way there anyway-he's a good man. He knew that Aredian's always been a sick, twisted psychopath."

Morgana gave a small snort, as if claiming that was an understatement, and Gwen grimaced in agreement. "Anyway...they still kept all their plans and things relatively low key. Elyan arranged rebellions on the other side of the Wall, while Arthur distracted his father and kept the Knights busy over here. It was going on for a long time. They were both taking far too many risks, and I hated just...just sitting around while they were putting their lives in danger. Maybe not Arthur because Uther would protect him, but if Elyan was ever caught as the man behind it all...he'd be executed in a second."

Gwen stopped then, making a small choked off sound at the back of her throat, and before she even knew what she was doing, Morgana was beside her, wrapping her arm around her shoulders as they walked.

"You don't have to tell me..." Morgana started, even though the curiosity she was feeling now was more than intense-it burned.

"No, I want to." Gwen looped her own arm around Morgana's waist where it rested, warm and comfortable. "I haven't been able to tell anyone. Feels nice."

At that moment, Morgana began to think she might actually be able to understand her, but then she had always had someone to talk to, whether it had been Merlin or Morgause. Looking at Gwen now, as they fumbled through the snow, it felt extraordinarily good to be needed.

"Okay," she whispered.

Gwen took a shuddery breath then continued in a slightly hoarse tone. "Aredian eventually caught on about six months ago. He has spies over the Wall everywhere, and they saw my brother visiting the house of a Sorceress. I don't know exactly what he was planning this time, but it doesn't really matter now. Luckily, Arthur hadn't been involved that time, and Elyan would never give him up." She closed her eyes. "But Arthur would have done the same, and wouldn't dare let Aredian just arrest Elyan. Uther was overseeing the whole thing though, and I don't think he knew which side to be on. My brother's had dinner at the Pendragon's more times than I can count. To Uther, it was just like being asked to put his son's best friend in prison."

Gwen swallowed hard, taking a deep breath. "In the end, they took away his knighthood, and banished him from coming anywhere near Pendragon Estate, but that was all. And then, about four months ago, they arrested my father." Her hold on Morgana tightened, and the younger girl soon found that her hand had moved up from Gwen's shoulders so that her fingers were carding through her long dark curls. Then Gwen was silent for another long moment before she shrugged, but not so as to dislodge Morgana's arm. "They only did it as a way of punishing my brother, but that just made it so much worse. And Arthur was so angry-I've never even seen him that angry. He hasn't spoken to Uther since."

"And...he still opposes to what Aredian does-and Uther? What does Arthur think about magic?" Morgana asked, unsure whether she really wanted to know the answer. If Arthur had nothing against magic, she was now finding it hard to have anything against the blonde.

But Gwen looked at her sharply. "Magic is against the law," she said firmly, and Morgana was immediately taken aback by the fierceness, the urgency, in her voice.

"I know that," she replied stiffly, her arm falling from where it was braced around Gwen's shoulders so that it swung at her side instead.

"Morgana-" Gwen caught the arm back and forced her to stop moving. "If you...if you have magic-"

The younger girl started to look away. "I don't-"

"If you have magic," she repeated before Morgana could protest, "you have to be careful. I know that Arthur already suspects you of it, but he won't do anything about it unless he sees it with his own eyes. And if he does see it, he won't just stand by and do nothing. He's grown up with Aredian looming over his shoulder, and even if he's always hated the man, you can't just wipe away that kind of influence. To Arthur, magic is evil, but the people who use it are just people. Good or bad."

"What do you think?" Morgana asked in reply, staring intently into her chocolate-brown eyes as she chewed the inside of her cheek.

There was another long pause. "I think if a person is good, then the magic they use will also be good," she uttered solemnly.

Morgana surveyed her for a moment longer before nodding curtly and began to walk once more.

"I think so, too."



"Arthur," Gwen's voice floated out in front of her as they lay side by side, fingers just short of being twisted together. Neither could remember the last time they'd actually held hands.

"What?" Arthur asked, eyes trained as ever on the ceiling.

For a minute, it was silent between them.

The blonde let out a tired exhale and was about to try for some sleep when suddenly she inquired back:

"We're not going to ever make them leave, are we?"

At this, Arthur sucked in a breath, and his index finger twitched, just brushing against hers. Then he thought of Merlin, who was no doubt already asleep now and who had recently started knocking on his bedroom door in the mornings to prove that he 'could get up early, thank you very much'.

"They can't stay forever," he muttered without so much as glancing at her, ignoring the way his stomach curled unpleasantly at the thought of this hot old house having no one to fill it anymore but him and Gwen.

"But they haven't got anywhere else to go," she pointed out, and Arthur knew he didn't imagine the hint of desperation in her voice. As Gwen had been spending more and more time with Morgana, she was becoming increasingly fond of Merlin, too.

"They've already been with us for two months, Guinevere," he sighed, "I don't know how the hell they haven't been caught yet."

"Because who would ever suspect you of hiding fugitives?" Gwen shot back, and they both winced. It was only a week ago that Merlin had spotted the first poster while he was out with Arthur, stuck to a lamppost. He had let out a startled squeak before tearing it down, staring in horror at his own and Morgana's names printed above a figure with an insane amount of noughts.

There hadn't even been a picture, just a description: Young teenaged boy, dark hair. Older girl, dark hair.

Merlin had also recognised the style of the poster. Because over the Wall, the sides of buildings were plastered with ones just like it, some of them bearing pictures of Freya when she was in animal form, depicting her huge and lethal.

Arthur had snatched the paper from his hand though and then practically dragged him back to the car, growling, "Get in, now," before driving them both back home. All the way the younger man hadn't said a single word, which had been worrying to say the least.

Now the blonde let his eyes fall shut as he murmured, "They haven't been found, but they are not safe here."

"So you would be okay, just to let them go?" Gwen's voice shook a little, and Arthur finally looked at her. She was staring resolutely in the other direction, and her hands had twisted into fists, with Arthur's fingers just skirting over dark skinned knuckles. "You just...God, you really wouldn't care, would you?"

"Of course I would," he answered her gruffly, "I'm not totally heartless, Guinevere."

"It's Gwen." And it wasn't a petulant whine, like it had been in the past, but an angry hiss as she wrapped her arms around herself and twisted in the bed so that her back was facing him.

Arthur blinked slowly, wondering what had just happened. "Guinev-Gwen." It was perhaps the first time he had ever used her nickname-the name which he had refused to call her on account of the fact she was just one of his father's maids. "I'm sorry." Upon saying this, he hoped she read everything he was trying to force behind the words, which he couldn't remember uttering for a long time.

He hoped she heard the endless apologies, for loving her but never being in love with her. For living with her, but never entertaining ideas of taking it further-of marriage and children and a home far away from Camelot and Uther, like he knew she'd always wanted.

For falling for someone else at the same time as he drifted to sleep beside her every goddamn night.

"Me too," she mumbled after a moment, and he saw her curl up ever so slightly tighter around her own thoughts and all the words she wasn't saying.

At that, Arthur had a feeling that Gwen wanted to apologise for almost exactly the same things as he did.

***

From Monday through to Friday, Arthur worked. During the morning, he'd sit down with Merlin and spend a few hours watching with pride as the kid read aloud from a magazine or wrote down a full paragraph without his hand pausing once. But he would ignore the way Merlin's cheekbones were highlighted by the sunlight, streaming in through the dining room windows, and how his little finger dragged along the paper as he wrote, smudging the lines until the blonde reached over and tucked it back.

Then in the afternoon, he would have training and the other, duller part of his job, which involved various, seemingly endless meetings with his father's advisors but never actually with his father. He would give Merlin an awkward pat on the back, which was slipping into something friendlier and dangerously easier with every passing day before heading up to his room.

His uniform hung neatly in the wardrobe, cameo-green apart from the small splash of red and gold that was Camelot's crest, sewn over his heart. Gwen used to help him into it sometimes, her hands light and nimble as she smoothed out any creases and fastened up any buttons which had come loose. She hadn't for a while now though, so Arthur had long since become used to doing this alone.

That was why it took him very much by surprise when he suddenly felt a tentative brush to the back of his neck, just after he'd pulled his undershirt over his head.

"Jesus," he gasped, jerking away and spinning around to find Merlin-

Of course it's Merlin, you idiot, he thought.

-standing there looking wary.

"Sorry," the younger boy mumbled innocently with a shrug. But Arthur's eyes narrowed. Merlin was awfully good at apologising without sounding in the slightest like he meant it.

"What exactly are you doing up here, Merlin?" he asked before turning away again to pick up his jacket and tug it over his broad shoulders.

"You always leave me down there," the other's tone of voice just bordered on a whine, "and Gwen and Morgana don't get back for ages now, so I'm just sitting there doing nothing for so long-" Merlin cut himself off with a sigh, and Arthur's fingers had frozen where they had been beginning to fasten up the first, dark green button.

"Why didn't you tell me you were...bored or lonely or whatever?" he asked, hoping that he came off as annoyed rather than concerned.

"It's not like it makes any difference, is it?" And Merlin was walking until he was directly in front of Arthur, reaching up to bat the other man's hands away so he could do up the button instead. "You're still gonna go to work, and the girls are still gonna go running, and I'm still gonna end up here, by myself."

It took a moment or two for Arthur to fully register what Merlin had been saying, for his eyes had been trained on the boy's mouth, but he hadn't exactly been focussing on any of the words being said. On top of that, his fingertips were distractingly soft, whenever they ghosted over his throat...

"You could go out," he managed to say, just before Merlin's eyes flickered up to see him staring. Then the blonde hastily moved his gaze to somewhere over the top of Merlin's head. "There are plenty of things you could do! And honestly, Merlin-only someone as impatient as you would complain at being left alone for what, half an hour?"

"It was a whole hour yesterday," Merlin retorted, moving onto the next button. "And the same the day before. I don't...I just don't like being by myself. It sucks and sometimes I fall asleep, and that's even worse because Morgana's not there, and you're not there and-"Now he was doing that babbling thing, which Arthur did not find endearing but did find incredibly frustrating and which usually made him zone out the moment it started.

Now though, Arthur caught something other than overexcitement, rolling off Merlin in waves, and he caught the boy's hands in his before they could get the button through the loop. They were trembling slightly.

"What happens when you fall asleep, Merlin?" he asked concernedly, a thumb subconsciously rubbing over where the bone in Merlin's wrist protruded.

But the other shook his head. "Nothing, I just-"

"Merlin!"

"-have nightmares," he finished quietly, his head dropping forwards so he was looking at the spaces between their feet. Arthur soon followed his gaze and realised that Merlin's bare toes were mere inches from the caps of his boots.

"What are they about?" he pressed, wondering why he was unable to look away from the boy's feet and how his toes were curled into the carpet as if he was trying to stop himself from taking the tiny bird step that would have him falling straight into Arthur's arms.

"I'll tell you..." Merlin took a sharp breath then swallowed hard. "I'll tell you later."

"When I get home?" Arthur was insistent, his grip on Merlin's arms tightening ever so slightly until the boy nodded.

"Fine," he muttered just above a hushed whisper.

And then, before he knew what he was doing, Arthur was dropping a kiss to the top of his dark head. They both stiffened, but the blonde was the first to recover by letting go of his hands and saying, "Good," like nothing had happened.

Merlin's mouth was a tiny bit open when Arthur backed away, stumbling slightly over the leg of Gwen's chair by the dresser, still talking to him over his shoulder "And we'll find you something to do tomorrow, while I'm out and everything. Uh...be good, all right? I think Gwen left you sandwiches in the kitchen."

In a split second, he was gone, practically running down the stairs, and Merlin heard the sounds of the front door opening and slamming.

It was a wonder, actually, he thought as he left the room himself, dazedly placing one foot in front of the other, because he was surprised he could hear anything over his own loudly thumping heart and the blood rushing in his ears.

***

Arthur took a deep breath the moment he was outside of his front door, squeezing his eyes closed for a moment. His lips felt like they were burning, and they hadn't even touched Merlin's skin-just his soft hair. He could still smell him though:

Merlin smelt like hot chocolate and soap, and he wished that the kid wasn't so damn warm and that his body wasn't just the right size to be cradled in another's arms, all fragile ribs and smooth pale skin.

He pushed himself away from the house and unsteadily made his way towards his car. Once he was in the vehicle and sitting comfortably in the front seat, he truly realised how hopeless the whole thing was.

Everything reminded him of Merlin. There was no getting away from it-it didn't matter that the boy was still just that. That he was still just a fucking teenager and barely literate and poorer than any other person Arthur had spent longer than a minute with.

The seatbelt for the passenger seat was ever so slightly worn in one spot from where Merlin had practiced putting it on and taking it off, over and over until Arthur had threatened to make him walk if he didn't stop. In the small compartment by the gearstick, there were empty lollypop wrappers, despite Arthur telling Merlin that it probably wasn't safe to eat those while he was driving in the snow. Then down the side of his seat, he found an old rusting coin-the type that Merlin would insist on picking up if he ever saw one on the pavement.

The blonde couldn't even turn on the radio without remembering how the boy had cried the first time he'd heard the music playing, and how he had told Arthur to shut up and I'm trying to listen because it's so beautiful.

Now Arthur sat still in his uniform, sucking in deep breaths and wondering if it was a lack of oxygen making him so dizzy or all the thoughts which were crowding in his mind, his senses in overdrive.

He pondered for a crazy, blind moment, whether this was what being in love felt like. In an instant, the air seemed to get lost on the way to his throat, and he was gasping for it, eyes smarting. Then he pulled himself together with a sharp shake of the head and shoved the key in the ignition, wishing wildly that the wind would pick up and tear the car apart and that the snow would sooth the burning deep in his belly, where he liked to think his soul lay dormant.

Because Arthur had been told many times that, if he did have a soul, it was a sleeping one.

The car started with a purr, and he manoeuvred it out of the drive and onto the road, knuckles white against the steering wheel as he felt like something immense and hot and awake was writhing up inside him.

***

Merlin didn't fall asleep when Arthur left that day, not least because Arthur had kissed him.

Kind of.

On the head.

Oh God, Arthur had kissed him.

He tripped his way to the kitchen and snatched up the sandwich Gwen had made, cramming half of it into his mouth with one bite and then fumbling his way over to the radio that the blonde had brought down from the top of the fridge when he'd realised how much Merlin liked the music. Now it rested on the counter, and Merlin knew his way around the dials and buttons like he owned it.

Within moments he had flicked to his favourite channel and was trying to sing through his mouthful, wishing that Arthur was there, even though last time he'd been caught dancing in the kitchen it had been nothing short of mortifying. He supposed he had been slightly mollified when he saw Arthur's eyes linger for a moment on his behind-which had not been swinging, thank you-and the way his tongue had darted out to lick his lips.

Merlin had never heard this particular song before but he liked it, so he picked up the radio and brought it with him to the living room before sinking onto the sofa and hugging it tightly to his chest.

After a little while, the chorus started, loud and rumbling against his chest. He looked down at the radio then turned it up even more to the point that it felt like his whole body was thrumming with music. The vocals were so loud they were getting distorted-twisted out of shape with the bass slamming against his ribs. He couldn't even hear the lyrics anymore, but he didn't care.

He supposed this was what drowning must feel like. Drowning or falling through the air with the ground rushing up to meet you, covered in snow.

And Merlin was still like that, even after the song had changed, when the girls got home and found him with one arm curled around the radio and the other resting on top of his head. Every now and then his fingers would flit back to touch a certain spot in his hair, and there was a loose, lovesick smile on his face.

Gwen smiled when she saw him before walking over and plucking the radio from his arms, turning it down to a less skull-splitting volume. Merlin pouted for a moment and made grabby hands for her to give it back, which she did with a laugh.

"How long have you been sitting there?" she asked, going into the kitchen to see that the counter was now devoid of sandwiches.

"I don't know...a couple of songs? Maybe five songs. Or like, twenty...where's Morgana?" he sat up and was on the verge of getting to his feet when Morgana came into the room, kicking off her trainers as she went.

"Hey." She collapsed on the floor by the sofa, leaning back so her head was at the same level as Merlin's feet, which were curled up on the cushions with him.

"Hullo." He petted the top of her head, and she rolled her eyes up at him. "How was running?"

"Great," Morgana told him with a shrug before narrowing her eyes. "Why do you look so happy?"

"I don't!" he shot back instantly, shuffling away from her and then tacking on, with a sudden burst of inspiration, "It's because you're home!"

"You are a terrible liar," she commented dryly because they both knew that wasn't true, but it felt nice to pretend. He stuck his tongue out at her before leaning forwards to whisper in her ear:

"Arthur kissed me."

"What?" Morgana sat up straight so quickly that her head collided with Merlin's chin, and he was knocked backwards, scowling and rubbing his face.

"Ow! Morgana!"

"Are you two all right?" Gwen called from the kitchen, and they answered with a loud, synchronised,

"Yes."

After a moment of just staring at Merlin, with her hand pressed to her head where they had collided, Morgana hissed, "Merlin, please tell me you're joking."

At this he shrugged his shoulders innocently. "Well...I mean. We sort of kissed?" he asked. "He kissed the top of my head before he left for work today."

"Merlin..." she started, voice cautious. She couldn't think of anything else to add though, before Gwen got back with lunch for the both of them.

"What's up?" she asked, sitting down beside Morgana so that their knees were touching.

"Nothing!" Merlin said quickly, clambering to his feet and looking at Morgana with eyes pleading her not to say anything.

***

"Merlin," Morgana said later, when they were alone again after Gwen had gone to take a shower, "you do know that...I mean, it wasn't a proper kiss or anything. This doesn't mean that Arthur's suddenly in love with you or-"

"I know," Merlin interrupted, "and he probably didn't mean anything by it, but Morgana, you don't understand," The expression in his eyes was desperate and dreamy at the same time, like he was floating and filled with need.

"What don't I understand?" she asked, not sure that she really wanted to know the answer.

"That I've wanted this forever," he replied, "That I've been imagining what it might be like to meet him since I was tiny, and now that he's here...now that I'm here, it's all I can do to not just tell him everything about everything, and I want to kiss him-all the time, it's all I think about. Just kissing him and having him kiss me back and hold me, because have you even seen him? Morgana." At that point, he looked like he knew how mad he sounded, but he couldn't help it when a small sob choked its way up his throat. "I know he doesn't love me, or anything. I know. But I love him. I just do. I really, really do."

Morgana stared at him then squeezed her eyes shut, wondering why this was happening.

"You can't," she murmured finally, her gaze snapping back to meet his.

"Can't what?" Now Merlin's irises were shining as leaned towards her slightly.

She took a deep breath, slowly shaking her head. "You can't love him. This...this has got to stop, Merlin. He has a girlfriend, for Christ's sake, and he's Uther's son," she hissed out those last couple of words. "Do you think he'd be as prone to giving you all these fucking reading lessons and taking you out and even looking at you, if he knew what you were?"

"But-"

Morgana exhaled sharply. "He hates us, Merlin. He hates what we are, and if we stay here much longer, he'll find out, and what then?"

"I don't know," Merlin whispered softly, "but I think he's a good man, Morgana. Maybe once Uther's died, he'll make things better. I think he can-I think he will."

"You don't know anything," she breathed, seething even though she wasn't sure if she was angry with Merlin or Arthur or herself. "You're just a child, for fuck's sake. How can you know you love him? How can you-"

But before Morgana could finish her sentence, Merlin was on his feet, and the room suddenly felt like it was compressing. Like all the air was being sucked out, leaving them in a vacuum decorated with cosy living room furniture.

"This is what it feels like," he murmured, and she saw that his eyes were burning gold in their sockets-that Merlin was radiating power. "Every time I saw his picture back over the Wall, I felt a fraction of this. And now, every second I spend with him, I feel it all, and sometimes I feel like it's gonna kill me or that something inside's gonna explode and I won't be able to feel anything anymore."

The room was hot now, and Morgana couldn't breathe properly. Her head was swimming, and her heart was beating so fast she thought it might be more bearable if someone took a knife and cut it right out of her chest.

"Merlin," she gasped, stumbling to him and fastening her hands over his shoulders. "Merlin, stop."

And after a moment, he did. The light in his eyes died and suddenly the room was back at its normal temperature. Morgana was gasping for air.

The worst thing though, was that Morgana knew now exactly what Merlin was talking about and what that heavy, mind-numbing feeling was. Sometimes she got sparks of it herself, exhilarating in her veins whenever Gwen's fingers brushed with hers.

"I'm sorry," Merlin whispered, his voice tiny after the immensity of the magic he'd just used, "Morgana-"

"It's okay." Morgana pulled him to her, her arms locking around him in a warm and familiar embrace. "I'm sorry too."

"Love you," he whispered sincerely into the crook of her neck, and she couldn't squeeze him tight enough-couldn't send him a sufficient amount of silent apologies for how she would have to hurt him.

For how she would have to hurt them all.

Part 8