Raised by Wolves

[cefirus]

I've come to the conclusion that I was not properly socialized. The notion has occurred to me before, but has crystallized as I just finished reading "Self-Made Man" by Norah Vincent. Succinctly, it's the true story of a woman journalist who cross-dressed and lived as a man for eighteen months. As a sort of Tiresias, she takes on everything from

Comments

[ex_spaceship692]

I know a bit of how you feel, in the male sense. I have absolutely no talent for subtlety or subterfuge when in comes to interpersonal relationships. I couldn't manipulate someone if I tried. I suppose that would make me a bit of a wide-eyed naif, but so be it. If nothing else I do know I could never be in marketing or sales. Heh.

[furison]

I was also not properly socialized, either as a woman or as a man. I know what you mean about the lack of subtleties -- what subtleties I have are learned, not innate, and I also played with boys far more than girls. Also, I was accepted as a sort of honorary man in the martial arts subculture in which I grew up.

I didn't wear my first skirt or pair of high heels or dab of makeup until I was twenty-one, and even then it felt like dressing in drag. I've always self-identified as a hetero female, but to be a woman seems something more, a superconcentrated and arcane gender that I can only pretend to belong to.

I don't fit in. Should I? Could I? I think there are many genders. My solution is this: Don't bother. Do what you do. There will always be those who find you odd, but you can usually overcome them with humor or kindliness or both.

[cefirus]

My father, for whatever reason, would always tease me at the least indication of femininity. Any time I wore pink, or didn't pitch a hissy fit when I got put in a dress, he would tease me: "Ewww...you're wearing pink....are you a little giiirrll??" And of course being the mud-loving tree climbing tomboy I was, I'd get really indignant about the whole thing. So I never wore pink, until a few years ago. And I've always hated dresses and makeup and the like (though in the past years I've had more moments of girlish pleasure about getting dressed up

[furison]

Nice insights. I think you're right.

[anonymous]

alison here
i heard her on NPR talking about the whole booby bar thing. i'm not sure what i think of her "experiment"

[cefirus]

She's pretty up front about the fact that she knows she deceived people. And her conclusion is that the cost was so much greater for her than anyone else involved. She actually had a nervous breakdown at the end of eighteen months from trying to hold together a male and female personality separately.

The other thing is that she's picked out uber-masculine places. Like strip clubs. Not men having to socialize with women, but men being men all on their own. So I feel like it's a bit like going to a fraternity for a month. Interesting, but not really terribly relevant.

I don't really know what to think either, but it was a really fascinating read.

[anonymous]

I read this and while the gender roles are fascinating, I can't help but say I am somewhat disappointed that confidence and self respect haven't been addressed independent of gender. The girl who prides herself as a tomboy is just as bad as the girl who plays dumb to get attention. You can like sports, be Southern, wear makeup and be well-informed. Being a tomboy and rejecting your gender are just as bad as manipulating it and abusing it- neither show any respect for the self. I am not attacking you, I am sure you are lovely, intelligent and educated- its simply sad that women need to find different labels within 'female' in order to be distinguished as intelligent or honest.

[cefirus]

I'm not sure how priding myself on being more a of tomboy is "just as bad". I think gender rules a great deal of our thinking and self-identification, both as a product of culture and a more intrinsic psychological understanding. So as a woman, it seems important to me to find a place for myself as female within the gamut of models open to me

[furison]

By the way, Cefirus: I also feel estranged by those highly-artificial versions of femininity. It's just so... outlandish. Even more outlandish to me is the way they treat me when I clearly violate their norms: as if I smelled bad, or had a contagious disease.

In social settings I often try to follow the rules, and sometimes I pass muster. However, there's usually some tiny detail wrong -- my hands are bruised/burned/cut from cooking, or my nails are short and lopsided or discolored from ink or turmeric or herbs, or my toenails are clearly a home job rather than a salon, or what have you. I usually find it almost impossible to achieve a flawless illusion.

[cefirus]

The amount of effort and time that it takes me to maintain that kind of flawless appearance is so exhausting. I can hold up for the length of about an evening. After that I get so tired of holding myself so carefully. I'll end up slouching or picking at my fingernails or being too expressive in conversation - and it feels lovely. Like you, I've gotten a very cold shoulder from the uber-females when I start edging outside the prim and proper norms

[eldestpredator]

Bono reminded us that it's super difficult to live with or without women. This is the sort of thing that saying refers to. I have often thought that if I were gay, I wouldn't have to deal with these rediulous multiple layers of games and bullshit and trickery.

[cefirus]

I think it's safe to say there are as many women out there frustrated by the games and trickery as there are men. Any time I have girlfriends who bitch about men and their evils, I am quick to point out that there are any number of horrendous examples of the female gender: no one's got a corner on the asshole market.

Personally, as much as I love some of my girlfriends, I can't imagine dating them. You'd think it would be easier given some shared understanding of behavior or whatnot, but overall I think I'm happier with guys. They're more predictable. :-)