It was a busy week.  And an emotionally wrought one.  The stress of it all has manifested itself in several ways.  I'm starting to feel better though.  The support from the people in my was amazing.  I'm such a lone wolf that I forget there are people who are genuinely interested in my life and well-being.  I am grateful ( Read more... )

I was sitting in a pool of tears.  Unable to move.  Unwilling to take a goddamned step forward ( Read more... )

Taking into consideration of how I've felt the last 10 hours, I can't make this journal private.  The one act of pulling the trigger has nearly undone what I've worked so hard to accomplish the last 12 years.  I can't do it.  The fact that I have had to defend myself to people who claim to know me is pathetic and sickens me to the core ( Read more... )

I find that I can't stop crying.  The dream was so horrific.  The feelings...so genuinely real.  I feel so ashamed.

I look at myself in the mirror..and it's a different person.  It's a weak, pathetic excuse for a woman.

I was supposed to do so much this morning. I was supposed to have gone to bed a decent hour so I could wake up today and accomplish so much before work ( Read more... )

I woke up today feeling so ashamed of myself.  I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.  I feel like a prostitute - selling myself and my integrity for the pleasure of others.  I'm a joke.  A hypocrite.  I have traded in my personal beliefs and philosophy to spare the feelings of others.  And at what cost ( Read more... )

It's been almost 2 months since my last entry.  A lot of this had to do with my lack of internet as well so much turmoil in my schedule.  I'm happy to report that I hope all this will change.  I have missed the good that journaling does for me.  I now have internet at home and am working to stabilize my schedule as well as work on my time ( Read more... )

J.'s been gone for a long weekend.  His 2 brothers and Father are in Phoenix and he drove on out there to see them.  It's been strange being in our apartment alone.  On the one hand, I think it's really good for us to physically separate right now so as to fully feel the effects of what happened.  On the other hand...it was just weird.  Thursday ( Read more... )

I had a bit of a rough morning.  It was just so strange waking up this morning knowing that a few mornings ago, our last wake-up cuddle had been our last.  And as corny as that may sound, I don't give a crap.  It's true ( Read more... )

Last night was really really cool.  I just wanna say that the way we broke up was so mature and amicable. We both knew this was a big possibility and all J. really wanted was not to hurt me.  And.  - yes, there's some pain.  I love him.  But, it would have hurt more to know I was a burden to him.  I don't think I'll ever lose him from my life.  Our ( Read more... )