My Twilight Rant *Warning: Spoilers*
Because it had to go somewhere. So here it goes.
First though, you should definitely check out "Alex Reads Twilight." (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2L253VLwH3w) I laughed out loud on numerable occasions watching these videos. Not to mention he is SPOT ON. I love it.
Right away I'd like to mention that these books are awful. Poorly written, numerous plot holes, dumb characters, and an awful moral. We'll start there: Moral of the story: Your life is not complete without a boyfriend.
(Almost literally, in the book Bella describes a hole in her heart when Edward's not there. It's only semi-filled when she's with Jacob, and of course, totally healed when Edward shows up. When there's no guy around she is listless and boring and depressed and just goes through the motions.)
Of course, being boring is something that never changes. I have no sympathy for her character, and given that, with the exception of part of the 4th book, it's all first person from Bella's perspective. Normally, one empathizes with the protagonist, but I just couldn't get myself to like Bella. It's like when I read Jane Eyre (except that Jane Eyre is a classic and actually written well, and Jane's not in love with a vampire because he's gorgeous and smells good). I had a really hard time empathizing with Jane--she didn't seem to have much of a personality, and some of her decisions (though in the end turned out alright) I had a hard time sympathizing when she suffered from them. So that's how I feel about Bella, only more strongly.
And for all this Team Edward/Team Jacob crap, I expected it to be more even. But from the beginning, it was painfully obvious that Jacob never stood a chance. Stupid Edward and smelling so damn good. I can say that I am solidly Team Jacob--At least their love was based on friendship and not an immediate desire. Seriously, Edward fell for Bella because he'd never wanted someone's blood so bad, and Bella would just faint if Edward kissed her. Nowhere in the book could I figure out whether Bella had a personality, or really anything to offer anybody. So I should probably qualify my Team Jacob standing: I'm Team Jacob-Why-The-Hell-Do-You-Love-Bella-You-Are-So-Much-Better-Than-Her.
Also, Stephanie Myers has a degree in English Literature. You would hope that an English major would be a decent writer, but I guess not. At the very least she should understand/recognize decent writing, plot devices etc. Guess not. Not only does she have random plot holes (Bella faints in science class because they're supposed to prick their fingers. She doesn't even prick her own finger. She just watches everyone else. Well, later, on her birthday when she gets a paper cut--from unwrapping a present no less. seriously, has this happened to anyone ever?--followed by a gash in her arm when Edward throws her off to the side to "protect" her from another vampire. Which is bloody brilliant really, what better way to distract a vampire than to create more blood? but I digress. She stays perfectly calm and doesn't faint. Even when Dr. Carlisle is sewing up her arm. Even her boring character manages to be inconsistent.)
She also gives tons of detail some places, and almost none in others. Like, she'll describe intently Bella making a sandwich, and also when she and Edward kiss. But when it comes time for them to have sex on their honeymoon (the word "sex" by the way isn't really mentioned. Just implied.) she just skips over the scene altogether. She leads up to it, and then, suddenly, it's the next morning, and oh good, Bella's still alive even though she has bruises all over her body. Stephanie Myers is a Mormon I suppose. But still.
Probably the funniest part of the books is in the second one where there are four pages and there's one word on each: December, January, February, March. (I think it was just four). Most ridiculous device for showing the passage of time. But thank god she did that, because I was done listening to Bella wallow away in her depression like the idiot-teenage-girl-infatuated-with-a-vampire that she is.
As for the movie. I guess I should give it to them--they're awful, but i don't know what I was expecting, giving the quality of the books. They definitely matched it. As awful of an actress who plays Bella is, I suppose she matches exactly who I would expect Bella to be (Same vacant expression most of the time, somewhat monotone, deadly boring voice, atrocious attempts at facial expressions). They're all pretty bad though. The vampires don't look vampire-y so much as constipated. And there are a plethora of drinking games out there for the movie, that likely make the movie much better.
I think that's enough for now. There's probably a bunch of things that I may have forgotten, and good riddance. I didn't want to pick up the books again to remind myself. Going to watch the 3rd movie tonight with the roomies. Should be a party.
First though, you should definitely check out "Alex Reads Twilight." (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2L253VLwH3w) I laughed out loud on numerable occasions watching these videos. Not to mention he is SPOT ON. I love it.
Right away I'd like to mention that these books are awful. Poorly written, numerous plot holes, dumb characters, and an awful moral. We'll start there: Moral of the story: Your life is not complete without a boyfriend.
(Almost literally, in the book Bella describes a hole in her heart when Edward's not there. It's only semi-filled when she's with Jacob, and of course, totally healed when Edward shows up. When there's no guy around she is listless and boring and depressed and just goes through the motions.)
Of course, being boring is something that never changes. I have no sympathy for her character, and given that, with the exception of part of the 4th book, it's all first person from Bella's perspective. Normally, one empathizes with the protagonist, but I just couldn't get myself to like Bella. It's like when I read Jane Eyre (except that Jane Eyre is a classic and actually written well, and Jane's not in love with a vampire because he's gorgeous and smells good). I had a really hard time empathizing with Jane--she didn't seem to have much of a personality, and some of her decisions (though in the end turned out alright) I had a hard time sympathizing when she suffered from them. So that's how I feel about Bella, only more strongly.
And for all this Team Edward/Team Jacob crap, I expected it to be more even. But from the beginning, it was painfully obvious that Jacob never stood a chance. Stupid Edward and smelling so damn good. I can say that I am solidly Team Jacob--At least their love was based on friendship and not an immediate desire. Seriously, Edward fell for Bella because he'd never wanted someone's blood so bad, and Bella would just faint if Edward kissed her. Nowhere in the book could I figure out whether Bella had a personality, or really anything to offer anybody. So I should probably qualify my Team Jacob standing: I'm Team Jacob-Why-The-Hell-Do-You-Love-Bella-You-Are-So-Much-Better-Than-Her.
Also, Stephanie Myers has a degree in English Literature. You would hope that an English major would be a decent writer, but I guess not. At the very least she should understand/recognize decent writing, plot devices etc. Guess not. Not only does she have random plot holes (Bella faints in science class because they're supposed to prick their fingers. She doesn't even prick her own finger. She just watches everyone else. Well, later, on her birthday when she gets a paper cut--from unwrapping a present no less. seriously, has this happened to anyone ever?--followed by a gash in her arm when Edward throws her off to the side to "protect" her from another vampire. Which is bloody brilliant really, what better way to distract a vampire than to create more blood? but I digress. She stays perfectly calm and doesn't faint. Even when Dr. Carlisle is sewing up her arm. Even her boring character manages to be inconsistent.)
She also gives tons of detail some places, and almost none in others. Like, she'll describe intently Bella making a sandwich, and also when she and Edward kiss. But when it comes time for them to have sex on their honeymoon (the word "sex" by the way isn't really mentioned. Just implied.) she just skips over the scene altogether. She leads up to it, and then, suddenly, it's the next morning, and oh good, Bella's still alive even though she has bruises all over her body. Stephanie Myers is a Mormon I suppose. But still.
Probably the funniest part of the books is in the second one where there are four pages and there's one word on each: December, January, February, March. (I think it was just four). Most ridiculous device for showing the passage of time. But thank god she did that, because I was done listening to Bella wallow away in her depression like the idiot-teenage-girl-infatuated-with-a-vampire that she is.
As for the movie. I guess I should give it to them--they're awful, but i don't know what I was expecting, giving the quality of the books. They definitely matched it. As awful of an actress who plays Bella is, I suppose she matches exactly who I would expect Bella to be (Same vacant expression most of the time, somewhat monotone, deadly boring voice, atrocious attempts at facial expressions). They're all pretty bad though. The vampires don't look vampire-y so much as constipated. And there are a plethora of drinking games out there for the movie, that likely make the movie much better.
I think that's enough for now. There's probably a bunch of things that I may have forgotten, and good riddance. I didn't want to pick up the books again to remind myself. Going to watch the 3rd movie tonight with the roomies. Should be a party.