Physical intimacy matters
I'm sick and bored right now, so the best thing to do is write!
I'm going to write about how my relationship with my ex failed. It's been almost two years since I dumped him, so it'd be kind of cathartic writing it all down.
Let's first preface this by saying I'm going to change names, so my ex will now be referred to as Jake. Because it's a douchy name.
My story starts about 8 years ago, when I was 16 (Dutch) years old. Naive, inexperienced, and a know-it-all. Jake (16, American) and I met online, in a game. I honestly do not know what set him apart from the other guys that I befriended on there, but I guess his stalking and shyness is what endeared him to me. We started an immature relationship - I didn't even know what he looked like. Jake was heavily insecure and also very depressed, so it took a long time before he showed himself. It took about 4 months until he showed himself on a webcam (just so I could rule out he wasn't a catfish).
I was blinded, and super naive. I noticed how I was the only one talking to Jake, starting and maintaining a conversation between us, but I rationalized this away by saying he was shy, and that's okay he doesn't talk much. Or show any kind of emotion whatsoever. We mostly played games together, and I lost a lot of my friends since then. Jake would get really jealous if I talked to anyone else but him. He'd act passive aggressive, and I'd pick up on that. He never outright told me to stop talking to people, but his attitude said the words for him. So I reduced my interactions with friends, and devoted all my time to Jake.
Soon, I wanted to meet Jake. Jake, being insecure as fuck, tried to deflect this several times, not to mention he had no money. So I offered to pay for his planeticket to come see me. I eventually paid for his planeticket (I think it was around $800 at that time). But due to circumstances with his passport being delayed, we had to reschedule the date (his dad paid for it). Red flag number one, was that Jake wasn't bothered by this at all. I was a sobbing mess because it had been a year since we met online, and I really wanted to see him. The fact that Jake had no such feelings, was something I always kept in the back of my mind.
Then we finally met in person.
Jake stayed for 2 months (which was possible due to the fact he did online school). I made all the first moves. Any and all touching was done by me. At first I thought this was cute, how he was too shy to even kiss me. Years later I'd find out this was anything but cute. Anyways, we mostly just sat around in my room playing videogames. But the most important thing ...
... Was that I barely got any physical affection. Now I'm talking about anything from kisses, to hugs, and sex. Oh we had sex alright, through my initiation of course, but it wasn't frequent. In 2 months, it was probably a total amount of 5 times we had sex. It was also pretty bad and Jake didn't seem like he was into it at all, much less try and please me. I got rejected so many times, it hurt. Jake also really hated kissing that was anything but a peck on the lips. That means anything involving tongue was out. He just wasn't into it. I am also a cuddler, and loved to cuddle up to him in bed ... but the favour was never returned. In fact, I'm pretty sure I bothered him if I tried to cuddle. It was like cuddling up to an unresponsive wall.
There were other things that bothered me too. Jake had social anxiety, and never even spoke to my parents. He wouldn't even look them in the eye. You'd think that after all these months of staying with them (a total of 8 months?), you'd be able to have a conversation with them. But no, Jake just avoided them as much as possible. I explained this away by thinking that your boyfriend isn't forced to like your family. His insecurity also played a part in that he hated showing off his body (he thought he was fat, which he wasn't). That meant Jake didn't want to go swimming, for two reasons actually. He hated showing off his body, and he was extremely jealous of other men seeing me in my bikini.
Over the course of our other meetings (some lasted 5 months, others 3 months), I noticed things never got better. I expected Jake to grow out of his insecurity and his anxiety, but this wasn't the case at all. I expected us to have frequent sex, but it only deteriorated.
I was in a dead bedroom, but was in denial of it.
It wasn't through my lack of trying, I certainly did that enough, as I'm a very sexual person. I'm also very selfless, so I never asked him for anything in return. The one time I did though? That I wanted him to touch me? Jake pulled away and screwed his face up in disgust. I'll never forget that moment.
And it certainly wasn't because Jake had ED - he was perfectly capable of getting an erection. His excuses ranged from "I don't want to get you pregnant," and "I don't want to hurt you," (dude, we used condoms and birth control, and I'm wet as a pool - those were fucking bullshit excuses). Jake just wasn't interested in sex, and I desperately tried to ignore this. And his favourite thing to do when he did get an erection? Hump me from behind. Yeah, I'm not kidding. It wasn't even sexual, it was like a rabid dog humping someone's leg. I was irritated and annoyed by this, and repeatedly said so and told him to stop. Jake never did, he probably thought this was hilarious.
Jake also thought it was hilarious to lick me all over my face when I tried to kiss him. One time, he was even laughing when I was trying to have sex with him. Laughing as if I was some stand-up comedian. Everything was a fucking joke to him. He was never serious about physical intimacy. In fact, Jake would probably be happiest if I stopped trying to touch him and have sex with him. Then he didn't have to worry about anything at all, and live happily ever after. Jake had the emotional maturity of an 8 year old - everything he did was childish. He could never be serious about anything, and everything just needed to be 'silly' (licking my face, or humping me from behind).
Over the years this accumulated into this gut feeling that I knew something was wrong, I just didn't want to admit to it. But I definitely resented him for it.
Jake was also incapable of giving me any semblance of support. He never knew what to do, and just stood around with an open mouth, completely blank. First example; I got my first nosebleed. It was pretty damn heavy, and I was feeling faint due to the blood loss (I am anemic). Jake didn't know what to do, and simply followed me around as I tried to cool myself down at the kitchen sink. I eventually blacked out and found myself on the bathroom floor - apparently I tried to crawl there to cool myself down but couldn't remember at all. I sat there on the bathroom floor, with blood still streaming out of me, scared and wanting someone to take care of me. Jake sat in the corner, not saying a word. The nosebleed lasted for 40 minutes - afterwards I realized I should have been hospitalized.
Second example; Jake and I were staying at the house of his mother's new boyfriend. When his mother was working, her boyfriend really liked to start drinking and get drunk. Me and Jake were alone with him, and getting super uncomfortable around him the more drunk he became. We wanted to get out of there, but he simply pushed me back on the couch. I was scared - this 40 something old male was drunk and wasn't afraid to use force on me. Jake didn't do a thing. When the boyfriend started walking around, we got up, but he held us up at the kitchen. We tried to leave, but he grabbed me painfully by my wrist and spilled his beer all over me. I eventually yelled at him to let me go, and we basically ran off.
What did Jake do? Absolutely nothing. I was kind of in shock, not only with what happened to me, but that I seemed utterly alone even though Jake was there. A strange drunk man put his hands on me, and Jake didn't do a thing. I tried to rationalize it again; not everyone can stand up to someone. But it hurt so much to be that alone and scared, and having your loved one simply stand there with a blank look on his face. I couldn't rationalize it any longer. I lost so much respect for Jake that day. All I could think about was "My boyfriend can't protect me when it's really needed."
I still tried to hold onto the hope that Jake could grow out of it. That he'd finally get confident enough to do things he wanted to do. That he could talk to people without feeling anxiety. That he'd finally kiss me like he meant it. That we'd have passionate sex. That he'd please me. I really hoped that Jake would change.
But the only one who changed, was me.
I went from naive to determined and confident. I used to think I could do without sex for 2 months - because it's not like you base a relationship on sex, and you definitely don't end a relationship due to lack of sex. That was my old naive self. My new self kept growing and understanding my own needs, and finally started to face on the problems that were riddled in this relationship.
I wouldn't even call it a relationship anymore. We were friends who played games together - that's all I can say. And Jake wasn't even that good of a friend, because he had barely anything to say, he wasn't interesting at all, he had one damn hobby which he stopped doing, and he had absolutely no personality. Unless you can call "Doesn't know what to say most of the time" a personality. I started to want to spend less time with him, because WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING together (mostly Skype conversations).
Hell, Jake couldn't even mention what he liked about me. His answer was either "everything" or "I dunno". Not a single aspect that made me, me, Jake could name.
And honestly - neither could I! I started slowly thinking ... what do I like about Jake? I liked how we played games. But hey, I can do that with just about anyone. I used to like his shyness, but now it was just permanent social anxiety that eventually pissed me off.
The last 2 years of our relationship, we were in the middle of immigrating me to America. Simultaneously, those last 2 years are also when I started feeling off about the relationship. I knew Jake suffered from anxiety, depression and a whole bunch of other issues. I knew I couldn't hold a conversation with Jake, because it was like talking to a wall. I knew I wanted more sex, but Jake was never interested in that. I knew Jake didn't have any motivation whatsoever. I knew Jake didn't want to keep working his job. I knew all of this - but I still held out hope, that once I moved in with him, things would change.
The final and 6th year, I met a new friend. We'll call her Claire. Claire was the first friend I made during this relationship, since I lost all the other ones due to the passive aggressiveness of my boyfriend. She was the first friend I talked to outside of Jake. I forgot what it was like to have someone who would talk to me, and how much fun we could have together. I realized, that even outside of the venue that we met on (roleplaying), I could still talk to Claire about everything and nothing.
With Jake, all I heard were crickets.
Then one day, Jake told me something. He confessed that he tried to kill himself the day before. He told me how he has had suicidal thoughts for a long time now (which explains why he was a complete blank when I talked to him). How he would go onto 4chan and ask them if he should kill himself, and of course most of them said yes. He cried, I cried - the truth was finally out.
A few days later, he turned himself in at the hospital, and he was placed under suicide watch for a week.
This is going to sound very heartless ... but I didn't miss him at all. In fact, I welcomed it. Pretty much every day for the past 6 years, we had talked to each other. Or should I say, we were on the microphone with each other over Skype, with noise of our mics filling the silence. I had desperately wanted some alone time all this time, but knew that if I indicated that I wanted to spend some time alone and away from him, Jake would take this the wrong way and get even more depressed.
While Jake was under suicide watch, I was having fun without him. And little by little, I realized that things with Jake would never change. He had chronic depression and was suicidal. Who was I kidding thinking it would change when I moved in with him? I'm not a frickin' therapist. I'd be stuck with a suicidal person, none of my needs would ever get fulfilled. I'd be stuck with him, and very unhappy.
After Jake had been back, and quit his job (a job he needed to be able to support me if I wanted to live there), and basically declared he's not ever going to work again and do nothing with his life anymore ... I started to prepare.
By prepare, I mean, I was changing all of my passwords and letting people know I was breaking up with Jake. I was preparing myself for the hysterical sobs and the stalking that was going to happen when I did. It wasn't a sudden realization with me. I didn't think "Okay I'm breaking up with Jake right now." It was a very strong gut feeling that had been growing for the past several years, and finally it was so strong I couldn't ignore it anymore. I can honestly say the last 2 years of our relationship, I had fallen out of love.
So I finally broke up with him, and told him to never contact me.
Of course, Jake being Jake, desperately tried to contact me. He stalked me on every social media he knew I frequented. He spammed my family on facebook to get me to talk to him. He created several new e-mails just so he could circumvent the blocks I put on his e-mail. He went delirious, and even went so far as to say I cheated on him. Let me just say that in this 6 year long excuse of a relationship, I was never once unfaithful. I was very faithful to him, because I really hate cheaters.
I sent him one final goodbye e-mail, and notified his dad about the break-up just in case he was planning on killing himself.
But I - I was free. A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders, and suddenly I could see everything so clearly. I could see all of the things that went wrong in our relationship. I could see how Jake was never truly a boyfriend at all. He was a coward, and I honestly think the only reason he was even with me, was because he was afraid of being alone.
This is even more apparent (that he just wanted somebody, anybody) when in the same month I broke up with him (and he was still desperately trying to get me back), he had signed up on OKC, and basically knocked up (oh the irony, considering we were in a dead bedroom) the first person that met him. He is now stuck with twins, frequents a psych ward (diagnosed with borderline, and frequently cuts himself), and seems to be fucking any girl in there that allows him. He also seems to be in a poly relationship with his rebound (hilarious, considering he's jealous as fuck). Oh, and he still tried to contact me over the years, by pretending he was someone else, the sneaky bastard.
When I broke up with him, I truly wanted for him to see a therapist and heal. For him to deal with his issues. Unfortunately, he made some really stupid mistakes, and now has to lie in the bed he made.
And me? I now know the importance of physical intimacy. I will never ignore my needs again. Love is not all you need. Effort and commitment is what drives a relationship.
The reason why our relationship failed, is because Jake was never truly a boyfriend to begin with.
I'm going to write about how my relationship with my ex failed. It's been almost two years since I dumped him, so it'd be kind of cathartic writing it all down.
Let's first preface this by saying I'm going to change names, so my ex will now be referred to as Jake. Because it's a douchy name.
My story starts about 8 years ago, when I was 16 (Dutch) years old. Naive, inexperienced, and a know-it-all. Jake (16, American) and I met online, in a game. I honestly do not know what set him apart from the other guys that I befriended on there, but I guess his stalking and shyness is what endeared him to me. We started an immature relationship - I didn't even know what he looked like. Jake was heavily insecure and also very depressed, so it took a long time before he showed himself. It took about 4 months until he showed himself on a webcam (just so I could rule out he wasn't a catfish).
I was blinded, and super naive. I noticed how I was the only one talking to Jake, starting and maintaining a conversation between us, but I rationalized this away by saying he was shy, and that's okay he doesn't talk much. Or show any kind of emotion whatsoever. We mostly played games together, and I lost a lot of my friends since then. Jake would get really jealous if I talked to anyone else but him. He'd act passive aggressive, and I'd pick up on that. He never outright told me to stop talking to people, but his attitude said the words for him. So I reduced my interactions with friends, and devoted all my time to Jake.
Soon, I wanted to meet Jake. Jake, being insecure as fuck, tried to deflect this several times, not to mention he had no money. So I offered to pay for his planeticket to come see me. I eventually paid for his planeticket (I think it was around $800 at that time). But due to circumstances with his passport being delayed, we had to reschedule the date (his dad paid for it). Red flag number one, was that Jake wasn't bothered by this at all. I was a sobbing mess because it had been a year since we met online, and I really wanted to see him. The fact that Jake had no such feelings, was something I always kept in the back of my mind.
Then we finally met in person.
Jake stayed for 2 months (which was possible due to the fact he did online school). I made all the first moves. Any and all touching was done by me. At first I thought this was cute, how he was too shy to even kiss me. Years later I'd find out this was anything but cute. Anyways, we mostly just sat around in my room playing videogames. But the most important thing ...
... Was that I barely got any physical affection. Now I'm talking about anything from kisses, to hugs, and sex. Oh we had sex alright, through my initiation of course, but it wasn't frequent. In 2 months, it was probably a total amount of 5 times we had sex. It was also pretty bad and Jake didn't seem like he was into it at all, much less try and please me. I got rejected so many times, it hurt. Jake also really hated kissing that was anything but a peck on the lips. That means anything involving tongue was out. He just wasn't into it. I am also a cuddler, and loved to cuddle up to him in bed ... but the favour was never returned. In fact, I'm pretty sure I bothered him if I tried to cuddle. It was like cuddling up to an unresponsive wall.
There were other things that bothered me too. Jake had social anxiety, and never even spoke to my parents. He wouldn't even look them in the eye. You'd think that after all these months of staying with them (a total of 8 months?), you'd be able to have a conversation with them. But no, Jake just avoided them as much as possible. I explained this away by thinking that your boyfriend isn't forced to like your family. His insecurity also played a part in that he hated showing off his body (he thought he was fat, which he wasn't). That meant Jake didn't want to go swimming, for two reasons actually. He hated showing off his body, and he was extremely jealous of other men seeing me in my bikini.
Over the course of our other meetings (some lasted 5 months, others 3 months), I noticed things never got better. I expected Jake to grow out of his insecurity and his anxiety, but this wasn't the case at all. I expected us to have frequent sex, but it only deteriorated.
I was in a dead bedroom, but was in denial of it.
It wasn't through my lack of trying, I certainly did that enough, as I'm a very sexual person. I'm also very selfless, so I never asked him for anything in return. The one time I did though? That I wanted him to touch me? Jake pulled away and screwed his face up in disgust. I'll never forget that moment.
And it certainly wasn't because Jake had ED - he was perfectly capable of getting an erection. His excuses ranged from "I don't want to get you pregnant," and "I don't want to hurt you," (dude, we used condoms and birth control, and I'm wet as a pool - those were fucking bullshit excuses). Jake just wasn't interested in sex, and I desperately tried to ignore this. And his favourite thing to do when he did get an erection? Hump me from behind. Yeah, I'm not kidding. It wasn't even sexual, it was like a rabid dog humping someone's leg. I was irritated and annoyed by this, and repeatedly said so and told him to stop. Jake never did, he probably thought this was hilarious.
Jake also thought it was hilarious to lick me all over my face when I tried to kiss him. One time, he was even laughing when I was trying to have sex with him. Laughing as if I was some stand-up comedian. Everything was a fucking joke to him. He was never serious about physical intimacy. In fact, Jake would probably be happiest if I stopped trying to touch him and have sex with him. Then he didn't have to worry about anything at all, and live happily ever after. Jake had the emotional maturity of an 8 year old - everything he did was childish. He could never be serious about anything, and everything just needed to be 'silly' (licking my face, or humping me from behind).
Over the years this accumulated into this gut feeling that I knew something was wrong, I just didn't want to admit to it. But I definitely resented him for it.
Jake was also incapable of giving me any semblance of support. He never knew what to do, and just stood around with an open mouth, completely blank. First example; I got my first nosebleed. It was pretty damn heavy, and I was feeling faint due to the blood loss (I am anemic). Jake didn't know what to do, and simply followed me around as I tried to cool myself down at the kitchen sink. I eventually blacked out and found myself on the bathroom floor - apparently I tried to crawl there to cool myself down but couldn't remember at all. I sat there on the bathroom floor, with blood still streaming out of me, scared and wanting someone to take care of me. Jake sat in the corner, not saying a word. The nosebleed lasted for 40 minutes - afterwards I realized I should have been hospitalized.
Second example; Jake and I were staying at the house of his mother's new boyfriend. When his mother was working, her boyfriend really liked to start drinking and get drunk. Me and Jake were alone with him, and getting super uncomfortable around him the more drunk he became. We wanted to get out of there, but he simply pushed me back on the couch. I was scared - this 40 something old male was drunk and wasn't afraid to use force on me. Jake didn't do a thing. When the boyfriend started walking around, we got up, but he held us up at the kitchen. We tried to leave, but he grabbed me painfully by my wrist and spilled his beer all over me. I eventually yelled at him to let me go, and we basically ran off.
What did Jake do? Absolutely nothing. I was kind of in shock, not only with what happened to me, but that I seemed utterly alone even though Jake was there. A strange drunk man put his hands on me, and Jake didn't do a thing. I tried to rationalize it again; not everyone can stand up to someone. But it hurt so much to be that alone and scared, and having your loved one simply stand there with a blank look on his face. I couldn't rationalize it any longer. I lost so much respect for Jake that day. All I could think about was "My boyfriend can't protect me when it's really needed."
I still tried to hold onto the hope that Jake could grow out of it. That he'd finally get confident enough to do things he wanted to do. That he could talk to people without feeling anxiety. That he'd finally kiss me like he meant it. That we'd have passionate sex. That he'd please me. I really hoped that Jake would change.
But the only one who changed, was me.
I went from naive to determined and confident. I used to think I could do without sex for 2 months - because it's not like you base a relationship on sex, and you definitely don't end a relationship due to lack of sex. That was my old naive self. My new self kept growing and understanding my own needs, and finally started to face on the problems that were riddled in this relationship.
I wouldn't even call it a relationship anymore. We were friends who played games together - that's all I can say. And Jake wasn't even that good of a friend, because he had barely anything to say, he wasn't interesting at all, he had one damn hobby which he stopped doing, and he had absolutely no personality. Unless you can call "Doesn't know what to say most of the time" a personality. I started to want to spend less time with him, because WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING together (mostly Skype conversations).
Hell, Jake couldn't even mention what he liked about me. His answer was either "everything" or "I dunno". Not a single aspect that made me, me, Jake could name.
And honestly - neither could I! I started slowly thinking ... what do I like about Jake? I liked how we played games. But hey, I can do that with just about anyone. I used to like his shyness, but now it was just permanent social anxiety that eventually pissed me off.
The last 2 years of our relationship, we were in the middle of immigrating me to America. Simultaneously, those last 2 years are also when I started feeling off about the relationship. I knew Jake suffered from anxiety, depression and a whole bunch of other issues. I knew I couldn't hold a conversation with Jake, because it was like talking to a wall. I knew I wanted more sex, but Jake was never interested in that. I knew Jake didn't have any motivation whatsoever. I knew Jake didn't want to keep working his job. I knew all of this - but I still held out hope, that once I moved in with him, things would change.
The final and 6th year, I met a new friend. We'll call her Claire. Claire was the first friend I made during this relationship, since I lost all the other ones due to the passive aggressiveness of my boyfriend. She was the first friend I talked to outside of Jake. I forgot what it was like to have someone who would talk to me, and how much fun we could have together. I realized, that even outside of the venue that we met on (roleplaying), I could still talk to Claire about everything and nothing.
With Jake, all I heard were crickets.
Then one day, Jake told me something. He confessed that he tried to kill himself the day before. He told me how he has had suicidal thoughts for a long time now (which explains why he was a complete blank when I talked to him). How he would go onto 4chan and ask them if he should kill himself, and of course most of them said yes. He cried, I cried - the truth was finally out.
A few days later, he turned himself in at the hospital, and he was placed under suicide watch for a week.
This is going to sound very heartless ... but I didn't miss him at all. In fact, I welcomed it. Pretty much every day for the past 6 years, we had talked to each other. Or should I say, we were on the microphone with each other over Skype, with noise of our mics filling the silence. I had desperately wanted some alone time all this time, but knew that if I indicated that I wanted to spend some time alone and away from him, Jake would take this the wrong way and get even more depressed.
While Jake was under suicide watch, I was having fun without him. And little by little, I realized that things with Jake would never change. He had chronic depression and was suicidal. Who was I kidding thinking it would change when I moved in with him? I'm not a frickin' therapist. I'd be stuck with a suicidal person, none of my needs would ever get fulfilled. I'd be stuck with him, and very unhappy.
After Jake had been back, and quit his job (a job he needed to be able to support me if I wanted to live there), and basically declared he's not ever going to work again and do nothing with his life anymore ... I started to prepare.
By prepare, I mean, I was changing all of my passwords and letting people know I was breaking up with Jake. I was preparing myself for the hysterical sobs and the stalking that was going to happen when I did. It wasn't a sudden realization with me. I didn't think "Okay I'm breaking up with Jake right now." It was a very strong gut feeling that had been growing for the past several years, and finally it was so strong I couldn't ignore it anymore. I can honestly say the last 2 years of our relationship, I had fallen out of love.
So I finally broke up with him, and told him to never contact me.
Of course, Jake being Jake, desperately tried to contact me. He stalked me on every social media he knew I frequented. He spammed my family on facebook to get me to talk to him. He created several new e-mails just so he could circumvent the blocks I put on his e-mail. He went delirious, and even went so far as to say I cheated on him. Let me just say that in this 6 year long excuse of a relationship, I was never once unfaithful. I was very faithful to him, because I really hate cheaters.
I sent him one final goodbye e-mail, and notified his dad about the break-up just in case he was planning on killing himself.
But I - I was free. A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders, and suddenly I could see everything so clearly. I could see all of the things that went wrong in our relationship. I could see how Jake was never truly a boyfriend at all. He was a coward, and I honestly think the only reason he was even with me, was because he was afraid of being alone.
This is even more apparent (that he just wanted somebody, anybody) when in the same month I broke up with him (and he was still desperately trying to get me back), he had signed up on OKC, and basically knocked up (oh the irony, considering we were in a dead bedroom) the first person that met him. He is now stuck with twins, frequents a psych ward (diagnosed with borderline, and frequently cuts himself), and seems to be fucking any girl in there that allows him. He also seems to be in a poly relationship with his rebound (hilarious, considering he's jealous as fuck). Oh, and he still tried to contact me over the years, by pretending he was someone else, the sneaky bastard.
When I broke up with him, I truly wanted for him to see a therapist and heal. For him to deal with his issues. Unfortunately, he made some really stupid mistakes, and now has to lie in the bed he made.
And me? I now know the importance of physical intimacy. I will never ignore my needs again. Love is not all you need. Effort and commitment is what drives a relationship.
The reason why our relationship failed, is because Jake was never truly a boyfriend to begin with.