Fic Commentary, part 2 of 2: The Moment of Epiphany
( Part 1 can be found here)
“I didn’t mean I was afraid of you as a person-I was afraid of the battles that you and your friends were getting involved in,” she explained, walking toward him. “I was afraid that you were going to get hurt-or that I would get hurt when I was with you. Every time you went out with those guys, I laid awake all night, worried that I was going to finally get the call saying that the bullet didn’t hit just the car window.” She blinked back tears.
Seriously, after getting his window shot out, you’d think Mr. Overprotective would have cut that shit out just to keep Veronica safe.
“Then it’s good that you dumped me so you wouldn’t have to trouble your mind with all of that anymore,” Logan said. “It must have been a big relief.” He fluttered his hand toward the door as he started to climb up the stairs. “You know the way out.”
Veronica’s shoulders sagged as she watched him go. She went to the doorway, but paused as she touched the handle. After a moment, she closed the door, straightened her spine, and ran up the stairs.
She’s realized that in that last statement, Logan unintentionally implied that he’s still upset about their breakup-so she needs to make him listen to what she came to say.
Logan was sitting on the foot of his bed, his head in his hands. He looked up when she entered.
“For fuck’s sake, please-just go away, Veronica,” he pleaded.
Veronica stepped over the piles of clothes and books on the floor. “It wasn’t a relief to break up with you,” she said. “That’s kind of why I’m here.” She sat on the bed next to him and looked down at her hands while she spoke. “Since my most recent near-death experience, I’ve been thinking a lot…about mistakes I’ve made. I don’t want to have any regrets in my life.”
“I know you think that being with me was a mistake,” Logan muttered. “I guess I made it pretty clear the other day that I still have feelings for you, but you don’t need to tell me to get over them-I’m trying to. And this?” He waved his hand between the two of them “Not helping. You need to leave me alone.” He rubbed his hair nervously as he stared intently at the floor in front of him.
Uh-oh, his soft underbelly is showing…
Veronica put her hand on his cheek and gently turned his face toward her. “Breaking up with you was the mistake,” she said softly. “My regret is that I ended things when you still needed me… when I was still in love with you.”
Logan tilted his eyes up to look at her in disbelief.
“I wanted you to stop your run toward self-destruction,” she continued, “but leaving you wasn’t the way to make that happen. I should have forced you to listen to me.”
I do think that if Keith hadn’t come in when he did, she might have been able to get Logan to see her side of things. Another fic idea? Hmm…
His mouth twisted into a tiny smirk. “Forced me?”
“You doubt my abilities?” Veronica said with smile and a slight head-tilt. “I know I could have made you understand if I’d tried a little harder. You always understand me. I think you’re the only person alive who knows all of it-everything that’s happened to me-and really gets who I am now because of it. Maybe even better than I do sometimes.” She laid her palm against his chest and felt his warmth through his t-shirt. “And I think I’m one of the few people who really understand you, too.”
“What are you saying, Veronica?” Logan said quietly.
“I’m saying that I want to undo my mistake.” Veronica leaned forward and brushed her lips against his. Logan didn’t quite respond but he didn’t back away, so she kissed him again, sliding her fingers up his chest and around the back of his neck. This time, he returned the kiss softly, and he tentatively put his hands on her sides.
Logan was always so confident-although it was often for show-that his hesitance surprised Veronica. She wondered whether he really understood what she was trying to tell him.
He’s stunned-he absolutely did not see this coming when he answered the door.
Veronica pulled back from the kiss and when Logan tried to look down, she put a hand under his chin and tipped his face up toward her.
“I love you,” she whispered.
~*~*~*~*~
These flash forwards were a late addition. I wanted to show that the reunion “stuck”-that they stayed together for the long run. But post-coital promises from a couple of teenagers don’t mean much, so I needed more than that. Then I was reading a futurefic in which V and L had a daughter who looked just like Veronica, and I thought it would be funny if they had a daughter who looked just like Logan (or maybe Lynn) and towered over Veronica when she grew up. Enter Elizabeth…
“That’s when you knew you were in love with Dad?!” Elizabeth dabbed at her eyes with the corner of her cloth napkin. “Jesus, Mom-did every major event in your teen years involve death and destruction?”
“A lot of them, yeah,” Veronica nodded. “That’s why we don’t talk about that time very much. But I think you’re old enough to hear some of it now.”
“Well, that doesn’t help me at all.” Veronica’s daughter blew her nose. “I still don’t know if I’m in love with Will or not, and I hope it doesn’t take a major disaster for me to figure it out. Hey-did you ever find out what caused the crash?”
I wanted to give the daughter a name that has a little-kid-sounding nickname-one of those names that only your parents still call you once you’re past high school. Since Veronica seems to have a thing for “Pride and Prejudice,” I chose Elizabeth/Liz/Lizzie.
Also, her boyfriend originally had a different name, but I renamed him Will after Fitzwilliam Darcy from P&P.
“That’s a very long and complicated story,” Veronica said, waving to the server to get the check. “I don’t know if I really even understand it.”
Nobody does! Plus, the whole story about Beaver might be a little more than Veronica would want to share with her child, even if that child is an adult.
She dug into her purse for her credit card, and when she looked up, her daughter was eyeing her suspiciously.
“So what happened next?” Elizabeth asked with a wicked grin.
“Oh, you know, happily ever after,” her mother replied breezily. “Well, there was one more breakup in college that lasted about a week, but otherwise…”
“I know that part of the story. I mean, what happened after you kissed him? Did you do it?” Elizabeth leaned across the table and flashed her father’s trademark eyebrow-raise-and-smirk.
“Lizzie,” Veronica said with a warning tone and a little smile on her face. Her mischievous eldest child loved to make her squirm. “That’s none of your business.”
Elizabeth doesn’t just look like her father! She’s just teasing Veronica to make her uncomfortable-she doesn’t really want sexy details about her parents.
“Fine-if you’re not giving up details, then I’m going to the bathroom and ditching you with the check,” Elizabeth said with a laugh as she got up from her seat.
candlewaxdreams had requested that the fic include some smut, but of course I couldn’t have Veronica telling her daughter that part of the story! So we return to the flashback…
~*~*~*~*~
“I love you,” she whispered. “And I was hoping that you would take me back.”
“Take you back?” Logan asked. He took her face in both hands and kissed her. “I never wanted you to leave.” He pulled her close and held her to him. “God, I love you. I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’m sorry,” Veronica said, her voice muffled by his shirt. She felt her eyes filling with tears again. “I missed you too. I should never have…”
“Stop,” he said. “I’m sorry too. I wish you hadn’t left, but I didn’t exactly make it easy for you to stay.”
…which is true. He was acting like a jackass that summer, what with all the fire-setting and other vandalism. That sort of thing isn’t exactly going to convince the public of one’s innocence.
Veronica giggled and sniffled at the same time. “God, we’re idiots. Do you think we can do better this time?”
“We have to,” Logan said, kissing the top of her head. “I don’t think I could survive another breakup with you.”
Veronica tilted her face up and caught his lips with hers. Their arms tangled together as the kiss grew more passionate. Logan’s tongue pressed into her mouth and she moaned, savoring the sensation of his warm hands on her. She grasped the fabric of his shirt in her fists, trying to get even closer to him. When he moved away from her mouth and began kissing down the side of her neck, it felt like electricity was coursing through her body.
“Hold on,” Veronica said, pushing Logan away gently. She clambered across his bed to the nightstand and opened the drawer.
She regrets not only breaking up with him, but also not sleeping with him when she had the chance. Girlfriend isn’t gonna make that mistake twice!
Plus, I think she also wants him to know how much she means what she said, and since she takes sex pretty seriously, she knows this will show him.
“What are you doing?”
Pulling out a condom packet, she turned and grinned at him. “Just making sure that I can show you how I feel about you, just like I said I would.” She crawled back and sat on her knees next to him.
“Veronica, you don’t have to…”
She cut him off with a kiss. “I want to. I wanted to last summer but I wasn’t ready then, not really. But I am now, and I know that I want my first time-the first time that really counts-to be with you.”
Logan just stared at her, unable to say anything, so she reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it up over his head. She ran her hands over his bare shoulders and slid onto his lap, straddling him. Crossing her arms, she grabbed the bottom of her own sweater, yanked it off and tossed it across the room playfully.
I’m such a geek, I actually went back to my DVDs and checked to see what Veronica was wearing in that “epiphany” scene with Jessie Doyle. It was a button-down blouse with a fitted v-neck sweater over it. She also had a tied belt-type thing around her waist, but I ignored that because it just added one too many steps to the disrobement. :) Since she was already wearing two tops, it was starting to get a little ridiculous.
She began to take off her blouse and he swatted her hands away. “Oh, no-this is part of the fun,” he said softly, kissing her as he unfastened the buttons. When the last one was unbuttoned, he slipped the blouse off her slowly, following it with kisses across her shoulder. Her eyes closed and her head dropped back as the shirt fell to the floor.
He kissed his way back along her collarbone and up her neck until he found that sensitive spot beneath her ear. He licked and sucked until she was breathless, barely realizing how hard she was grinding her hips into his. Logan helped her off his lap and unbuttoned her jeans, pushing them down to the floor as she kicked off her shoes.
Veronica climbed back into Logan’s lap. She lost her breath when he slipped his hand between her legs, touching her through the now-damp cotton of her panties.
Even though they hadn’t had sex during their brief time together over the summer, some of their makeout sessions had gotten pretty intense. Twice Logan had skimmed his hand under her skirt and into her underwear, stroking her gently until she was begging him for more… faster… harder… please… and she came in his arms, gasping his name and digging her nails into his skin.
Come on, we all saw that flashback scene in “I Am God.” With the grinding? Yeah, those two did a lot more than just kiss during that summer.
Both times she’d thought about returning the favor-she’d been so grateful to him for making her first sexual experiences (that she remembered) so tender and romantic and unbelievably hot-but both times she’d been too shy to make the move. He’d never tried to push her, but she knew he’d been disappointed that she hadn’t felt comfortable enough to touch him like that.
Time to rectify that!
Veronica put her hands against Logan’s chest and pushed him onto his back, making him laugh in surprise. She deftly unbuttoned his pants, and stood for a moment to slide them off with his boxers. He scooted back so that he was fully on the bed and put his hands behind his head.
Although Veronica had seen Logan shirtless plenty of times in the pool and at the beach, she’d never seen him completely naked and she paused for a moment to take in the sight. His erection particularly captured her attention-she’d only touched it through denim before, and she felt a strong urge to…
Logan’s smile faded. “Are you OK?” he asked, propping himself up on his elbows. “I mean, it’s OK if you’ve changed your mind…”
Remember, this is the guy who, when she said she figured out what happened to her at Shelley’s party, responded with “Well, do you want to tell me about it? I mean, you don’t have to tell me anything. I’m just here for whatever you need, OK?” Of course he’d be concerned about her ease and comfort here.
“Bad boy,” my ass.
“No, I definitely haven’t.” Veronica crawled up next to him until her mouth was at his ear. “It’s just that I’ve never done this before, so you need to let me know if you like what I’m doing.” She reached down and ran her fingers up his length.
She’s a little nervous, but she’s made a decision, and she’s sticking to it.
Logan fell back onto the bed. “Oh, I like that…”
Still stroking him with her hand, she kissed her way down his neck, his chest, his stomach. He gasped when she sucked lightly at his hip bone.
Veronica tried to remember everything-anything-she’d read in Cosmo or heard from Lilly, but her mind had gone blank. She decided she’d just have to improvise and hope that he liked it. She held his cock in one hand and licked it lightly. Logan groaned, so she did it again.
“God, Veronica, that’s so good…”
Gaining confidence, she began licking him more firmly, brushing her lips against the tip. When his hands clutched at the bedcovers, Veronica was pleased with herself. She took him into her mouth, just a little bit, sucking gently as she drew him back out. Logan mumbled her name under his breath, so she wrapped her lips around him once more.
Logan tried to sit up. “Veronica, you have to stop.”
Her face fell. “I’m sorry, am I doing it wrong? Did I hurt you?”
“No, it feels so good-it feels amazing.” He pulled her up toward him, resting his forehead on her shoulder. “But if you keep that up, I’m going to come in about 10 more seconds, and I don’t want to do that yet. I’ve been waiting too long for this, and I want to make it last. I want this to be perfect for you.”
Veronica climbed back into his lap. “It will be,” she said. “Because it’s you.”
“OK, then you need to hold still for a minute and let me catch my breath,” Logan laughed. They held each other quietly for a short time, until he nibbled on her earlobe.
Their mouths crashed together, their tongues intertwining. Logan reached around her and fumbled futilely with the clasp of her bra.
“You’ve done this part before,” she teased. “Did you already forget?”
“Sorry, I’m just kind of nervous,” he said with a small chuckle.
“I thought that was my line,” she replied with a smile, running her fingers through his hair.
“It’s just…because it’s you,” he said, looking into her eyes.
Role reversal! Even though Logan has more sexual experience, he’s nervous because he’s only had a few minutes to process this turn of events. Plus, he hasn’t had sex with anyone he loves since Lilly, and he also knows that for all intents and purposes, this is Veronica’s “first time.”
Veronica, on the other hand, is sure about her decision to sleep with him, and she gained a little extra confidence when her first blowjob was a success!
He got the clasp open on the third try, and slid her bra off her arms. Logan moved her off of his lap and onto the bed, laying her on her back. She lifted her hips as he pulled her underwear down her legs.
When I was reading through the first draft, I realized that no one ever took off Veronica’s undies-would have made the sex a little complicated, I think.
“If you want me to stop or if anything makes you uncomfortable,” he said, kissing her forehead, “you just tell me.”
“OK,” she said, as his lips passed from her forehead down to her breasts. He dragged his tongue slowly across one hardened nipple, causing her to arch her back in pleasure. She grabbed at the pillow under her head, hissing, “Oh yes, don’t stop that…” He licked over and around the pink bud, and just when she thought it couldn’t possibly feel any better, he moved to the other nipple and repeated his actions.
As she was gasping for air, she felt his hand graze the curls between her legs. One finger slipped into her moist folds, stroking them softly until it found her clit. He rubbed gentle, small circles around her clit, pressing just a bit harder and moving just a bit faster, little by little, until she was bucking her hips against his hand.
Veronica nearly cried out in disappointment when his fingers slowed and she opened her eyes. He picked the condom up from the sheets.
“Are you sure about this?” he asked softly. “I don’t want you to have any regrets.”
“I’m not going to regret this, Logan,” she replied, putting her hand to his cheek. “I’m ready. I want to make love with you.”
Logan smiled widely and kissed her before opening the packet and rolling on the condom. Positioning himself between her thighs, he began to enter her as slowly as he could.
This was the part Veronica had worried about. She had thought that in this moment, she might feel trapped or overpowered, or be flooded with painful and confusing memories. But she’d been wrong. With Logan’s body over hers, she felt safe and warm and loved-and more aroused than she’d ever been in her life. She knew he was going slowly to make sure he didn’t hurt her, but the anticipation was driving her mad. Veronica wrapped her legs around him and pulled him suddenly inside her. She gasped.
I thought it would be a mistake not to address Veronica’s rape at all, but I didn’t want it to take over the scene. This is about Veronica rediscovering who she is and what she wants as much as it is about her reunion with Logan.
“Did that hurt?” he asked worriedly.
“Just a little bit,” she sighed. “But mostly it just feels good. Oh God, Logan, I need more…” He began thrusting gently, and she moved her hips against him until they found a rhythm. “That’s it…oooohhh…”
“Do you know how many times I’ve thought about this, Veronica?” he panted. “I can hardly believe you’re here.”
“Logan…” was all Veronica could say.
He slid his hand between them and pressed her clit with his thumb. “Oh God!” she cried when he began to rub.
Her movements became faster and more erratic as her muscles began to clench involuntarily. She breath caught in her throat as she exploded, grasping his shoulders and gripping him tightly with her legs. Logan drove into her a few more times before he came with one last, hard thrust. His throbbing prolonged Veronica’s orgasm until she thought she might pass out.
Logan collapsed with his head on her chest, and they laid with their arms around each other, listening to each other’s breath and feeling each other’s heartbeat gradually return to normal.
Veronica ran her hand through his hair, which was damp with perspiration. “You’re sweaty,” she said with a smile, wiping her hand on the sheet.
A little dose of reality-plus, when the adult Veronica gets all hot ‘n’ bothered when she sees sweaty Logan at the gym, it’s partly because she had just been thinking about this.
“You wore me out, babe,” Logan said, pushing himself up to see her face. “That? Was fucking amazing.” He kissed her languorously, tracing her lower lip with his tongue, before getting up to remove the condom. When he climbed back in bed, he slipped his arm underneath her and she curled into his side.
“I can’t stay,” she said quietly.
“What? What do you mean?”
Poor Logan-there’s a little part of him that was still worried that this wasn’t for real.
She was so spent she didn’t hear the alarm in his voice. “I can’t spend the night, so don’t let me nod off,” she said, rubbing her eyes sleepily. “My dad’s home and he’d kill us both.”
“Oh,” Logan said. “Can you stay just a little longer?”
“Five more minutes,” Veronica said, snuggling in closer and planting a kiss on his chest. “So-how would you like to drive to school together tomorrow? We can have breakfast before class, maybe make out in the car a little bit…”
Logan smiled until a thought occurred to him. “What about your dad?”
“I’ll talk to him tonight,” she said. “You might need to suck up a little when you come to the door though.”
Yeah, Keith probably isn’t going to be thrilled about Logan’s reappearance on the scene. He’s going to have to suck up a lot.
Logan laughed uneasily. “For you? Anything,” he agreed, brushing a lock of hair away from her face. “I’ll bring the Pop-Tarts if you bring the coffee.”
“Deal.”
Logan exhaled contentedly. “Still love me?”
Veronica reached up to bring his face down to hers. “Yes,” she said, giving him a deep kiss.
I stole those last two lines from the “Presto-intimacy” scene in season 3.
~*~*~*~*~
Elizabeth returned to the table to find Veronica lost in thought. Her silverware clinked against her empty plate as she plopped back into her seat, startling her mother.
“Whatever,” she said with a cackle when she saw Veronica blush. “You totally did it. I knew Dad was lying when he said you guys waited until you got married.”
Logan would be completely freaked out about sending a daughter out into the world-but I’m thinking that any kid of Veronica’s and Logan’s would be pretty good at defending himself/herself, physically or verbally.
“He has an overprotective streak. You may have noticed.”
“Ya think?” Elizabeth scoffed. “Seriously-what is with this curfew? It’s not like I have a curfew when I’m away at school, so why do I have one when I’m home for the summer?”
My dad gave me a curfew when I was home from college. Arguments ensued every summer.
“I’ll talk to him,” Veronica said. “He’s just trying to keep you safe.”
Elizabeth rolled her eyes and Veronica reached for her jacket.
“We’d better go pick up the guys before your father gets himself hurt. He’s going to be in a nursing home before he admits that he can’t keep up with your brothers anymore.”
A lot of men seem to have a hard time accepting it when their sons get bigger and stronger than them. I also think that Logan would pal around with his sons a lot, since he always seemed to have a circle of male friends. It would also give him an excuse to buy video games! “Come on, honey, it’s for the boys!”
As they walked down the street to the gym, the statuesque brunette threw her arm around her tiny blonde mother and kissed the top of her head.
“Thanks for lunch,” she said. “I like hanging out, just us girls. Next time, I want more stories about you and Dad when you were kids.”
Veronica thought for a moment. “We’ll see about that.”
When they got to the basketball court, they found Logan sitting on the bench, looking exhausted as he watched his sons battle it out under the net.
“Had enough, old man?” Veronica said with a wink.
Logan jumped to his feet. “No, I’m, uh, just waiting to play winner.” He ran his hand through his sweaty hair as he grinned at her, and Veronica felt a growing warmth between her legs.
She’s flashing back to their first time. Also? 40-something Logan is still hot.
They were interrupted by a loud thump as Peter and Dennis went up for a rebound at the same time, colliding in the air and then hitting the floor in a tangle of limbs. The boys scrambled to their feet, each trying to knock the other back down as they tried to gain possession of the ball.
Peter and Dennis = Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper, the writers and stars of “Easy Rider,” Logan’s favorite movie.
“I know you really want to play another game, but I don’t think we’ll have time for that,” Veronica said. “Besides, I want to keep you in one piece.”
Dennis lost control of the ball and Elizabeth dashed onto the court, stealing the ball and making a quick layup.
“In your face, D!”
“Liiiiz!”
I decided that Dennis is the one who takes after Veronica, and thus is shorter than his sister. Poor kid. :)
“The kids all have plans tonight,” Veronica said, biting her lower lip. She raised her eyebrows at Logan and his eyes lit up.
While their children argued goodnaturedly on the court, Logan moved behind his wife and wrapped his arms around her. “We haven’t been alone in the house since Elizabeth got home,” he said, nuzzling her neck. “I think I may have some plans for tonight too.”
“I don’t know, you look pretty worn out,” she teased. “Do you think you can still keep up with me?”
Logan put his lips next to her ear. “Is that a challenge?” he growled softly. “Oh Mars, you’re gonna regret that…”
Veronica’s knees weakened as he subtly pressed his hips against her behind. “Not a chance.”
I originally wanted to have Veronica say something about not having regrets, but she’d already said something like that a few times in this story and it seemed like too much. I’m not sure that what I came up with was any better though. I often either love or hate the last lines in my fics.
~FIN~