Put your heart on your sleeve it will speak for itself
What's been going on in my life lately that I didn't mention? More like, what's going on in my poor mind? Enter....
You’ve got me down on my knees and I proclaim “All hail the heartbreaker.”
The truth of this rings inside of me each time I listen to this song. Everytime, all I can see is me in front of Austin, knees on the floor crying to him. No matter what happens, I think he will be a part of who I've become. Think it over. I went into drama because he was there. I actually went to a history class and enjoyed it and learned. I tranferred into EMH because he was there. Even though he switched out, I love that class. Maybe everything happens for a reason. This was no accident. It was a therauputic chain of events. Sorry. Had to sneak in a little P!ATD in there.
This letter explains e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. the content it is the truth
each word could cut like daggers if I decide to give it to you.
Yes. I wrote a letter. It got out everything I needed to say to...all of them. About how they've helped me, healed me, killed me inside and everything else. It told everything. It was pages long. And then I saved it. And then I rewrote it again. Then I deleted it. I deleted it like I need to delete him. If only ridding him of my life was as easy as shredding a letter or deleting a file.
Just like the lady in a blue dress, You've got cigarettes on your breath.
People always do this to themselves. They go, take up new things to try to look older, more mature. All they do is lose their innocense. He's lost his innocense. And that was what I liked about him. Among other things. They way he seemed untouched by the hardness of life. Carefree. He didn't give into the pressure of modern society. At least that is what I saw. Now, there's no denying it. He's changed and I haven't. I'm the same. Yet I've changed in everyway. Still, I go to my concerts. I hang with my friends everywhere. I still obsses over music. I'm still trying the guitar. I still don't care what people think of me...I'll get to this a little later. But in a way, I'm the complete opposite of who I was. I'm interested in school. I want to graduate with Sabrina. I want to have a better relationship with my brothers and their girlfriends. I actually admit to listening to shitty music. (Yes! I DO have Nsync songs on my computer!!!!!)Most of all, I'm trying. I'm trying to be the person people expect me to be. Not changing for them. More like...acting. Acting the part of the happy daughter. The hyper friend. The person who doesn't have feelings. Yet, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of playing this role I've been given. I want out...I just want out...
Maybe I will write a sad song Or another cliche poem Of the person that I long to be.
I know I'm not the person I want to be. I'm getting in constant fights with all my friends. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm turning into my dad. I saw the play Tunnel Vision the other night. In it, the boyfriend, Jamon had a dad who abused the mom. In the end, Jamon turned out being just like his dad. Abusive, controlling and easy to anger. It made me think. No matter how much you say you won't be like your parents, a part of them is always inside you. I see my dad in me more and more each day...I don't want in me. I don't want to be like him...ever...but maybe it's something that's just inevitable. Everyone turns out like their parents. It's something you can't stop.
I'm just a bad actor stuck with a shitty script all of my lines are cheap and the cast is weak.
"I'm fine." "Nothing." "I'm not mad." "No." "I don't care." "Whatever." "Bitch." "Shut Up." "I hate him so much" and "I'm going to class." have been the most things that come out of my mouth these past weeks. I say I'm fine when I'm dying inside. I say nothing when it's everything.I spout that I don't care and whatever when I'm just at a loss as to what else I can say. Bitch is mostly directed at my friends. Shut up I've seen slipping towards my family more and more each week. I hate him..the one thing i say. It's a lie to fool myself into believing I can go on without him. Why am I the one who's so well rehearshed? I don't want to know my lines so well. I want to improv. Let me improv. Don't hand me the written script another day...
I wrote upon the wall the truth and the lies. The lies were larger and blocked out the truth.
I'm trying to figure out why? Why do people write such mean stuff on the bathroom walls? I see my name up there. Apparently, I'm seen as: a slut, a whore, a poser, "so fake", a bitch and a loser. Since when did just trying to make it through a couple years of school alive and happy suddenly become reason to slander their name? I mean, I'm just trying to live my life. I don't think I'm bothering anyone. And if I am, they can come up to me and tell me. I don't care if they did that, but the fact that they have to hide behind a pen is so pathetic. And then I see my friend's names up their too. (Not any of you) and I want to kill those fucking assholes. Ok...mess with me, I'll be angry for a little bit. Mess with my friends and I will kick your ass so hard you'll never sit down again.
Okay..my rant is done now.
Pay no attention to what I have written. I'm in a bit of a mood.
You’ve got me down on my knees and I proclaim “All hail the heartbreaker.”
The truth of this rings inside of me each time I listen to this song. Everytime, all I can see is me in front of Austin, knees on the floor crying to him. No matter what happens, I think he will be a part of who I've become. Think it over. I went into drama because he was there. I actually went to a history class and enjoyed it and learned. I tranferred into EMH because he was there. Even though he switched out, I love that class. Maybe everything happens for a reason. This was no accident. It was a therauputic chain of events. Sorry. Had to sneak in a little P!ATD in there.
This letter explains e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. the content it is the truth
each word could cut like daggers if I decide to give it to you.
Yes. I wrote a letter. It got out everything I needed to say to...all of them. About how they've helped me, healed me, killed me inside and everything else. It told everything. It was pages long. And then I saved it. And then I rewrote it again. Then I deleted it. I deleted it like I need to delete him. If only ridding him of my life was as easy as shredding a letter or deleting a file.
Just like the lady in a blue dress, You've got cigarettes on your breath.
People always do this to themselves. They go, take up new things to try to look older, more mature. All they do is lose their innocense. He's lost his innocense. And that was what I liked about him. Among other things. They way he seemed untouched by the hardness of life. Carefree. He didn't give into the pressure of modern society. At least that is what I saw. Now, there's no denying it. He's changed and I haven't. I'm the same. Yet I've changed in everyway. Still, I go to my concerts. I hang with my friends everywhere. I still obsses over music. I'm still trying the guitar. I still don't care what people think of me...I'll get to this a little later. But in a way, I'm the complete opposite of who I was. I'm interested in school. I want to graduate with Sabrina. I want to have a better relationship with my brothers and their girlfriends. I actually admit to listening to shitty music. (Yes! I DO have Nsync songs on my computer!!!!!)Most of all, I'm trying. I'm trying to be the person people expect me to be. Not changing for them. More like...acting. Acting the part of the happy daughter. The hyper friend. The person who doesn't have feelings. Yet, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of playing this role I've been given. I want out...I just want out...
Maybe I will write a sad song Or another cliche poem Of the person that I long to be.
I know I'm not the person I want to be. I'm getting in constant fights with all my friends. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm turning into my dad. I saw the play Tunnel Vision the other night. In it, the boyfriend, Jamon had a dad who abused the mom. In the end, Jamon turned out being just like his dad. Abusive, controlling and easy to anger. It made me think. No matter how much you say you won't be like your parents, a part of them is always inside you. I see my dad in me more and more each day...I don't want in me. I don't want to be like him...ever...but maybe it's something that's just inevitable. Everyone turns out like their parents. It's something you can't stop.
I'm just a bad actor stuck with a shitty script all of my lines are cheap and the cast is weak.
"I'm fine." "Nothing." "I'm not mad." "No." "I don't care." "Whatever." "Bitch." "Shut Up." "I hate him so much" and "I'm going to class." have been the most things that come out of my mouth these past weeks. I say I'm fine when I'm dying inside. I say nothing when it's everything.I spout that I don't care and whatever when I'm just at a loss as to what else I can say. Bitch is mostly directed at my friends. Shut up I've seen slipping towards my family more and more each week. I hate him..the one thing i say. It's a lie to fool myself into believing I can go on without him. Why am I the one who's so well rehearshed? I don't want to know my lines so well. I want to improv. Let me improv. Don't hand me the written script another day...
I wrote upon the wall the truth and the lies. The lies were larger and blocked out the truth.
I'm trying to figure out why? Why do people write such mean stuff on the bathroom walls? I see my name up there. Apparently, I'm seen as: a slut, a whore, a poser, "so fake", a bitch and a loser. Since when did just trying to make it through a couple years of school alive and happy suddenly become reason to slander their name? I mean, I'm just trying to live my life. I don't think I'm bothering anyone. And if I am, they can come up to me and tell me. I don't care if they did that, but the fact that they have to hide behind a pen is so pathetic. And then I see my friend's names up their too. (Not any of you) and I want to kill those fucking assholes. Ok...mess with me, I'll be angry for a little bit. Mess with my friends and I will kick your ass so hard you'll never sit down again.
Okay..my rant is done now.
Pay no attention to what I have written. I'm in a bit of a mood.