The Physics of the Cat
The following laws represent a crude initial attempt to categorise the bizarre physics involved.
1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
21 - Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22 - Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
23 - Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
24 - Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
25 - Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
26 - The Cat Uncertainty Principle
A cat knows when it is being observed and on such occasions its behaviour is almost totally unpredictable.
1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
21 - Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22 - Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
23 - Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
24 - Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
25 - Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
26 - The Cat Uncertainty Principle
A cat knows when it is being observed and on such occasions its behaviour is almost totally unpredictable.