Statement of Purpose - Request for Feedback

[centauri]

I'm in the process of applying for four different biomedical departments: Molecular and Cellular Biology, Genome Sciences, Biochemistry, and Pathology. As with most applications, a Statement of Purpose (ie, Personal Statement) is required. Of all types of writing, statements of purpose are the type that I have never been very good at. Maybe it's

Comments

[the_raphos]

It sounds just fine to me. But then again, I've never been great with personal statements either. I really only have one correction to make. The Robert Frost poem is called "The Road Not Taken". And what you have is only an excerpt so it should probably be noted as, Robert Frost, from "The Road Not Taken". Oh, and I don't mean to nitpick but, it's also slightly incorrect.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference."

[centauri]

Hmm... Don't remember where I got it from, but they must have had it wrong. I'll make that correction. Though I hope to find a better quote in the end anyway. I may go with one of the ones you and I came up with the other day. There were a couple that would work pretty well. I just haven't changed the paper since then.

[centauri]

Oh, and thanks for the feedback :).

[the_raphos]

Always glad to help

[_franke_]

Wow, I'm impressed. I like your integration of current projects you're interested in (and good work with the research on that end) with your own idea for a project. Your writing speaks to me as coming from a sophisticated, experienced researcher who is eager to launch himself whole-heartedly into a new field. Which is, I imagine, a fairlly good description of you. The only criticism I have is regarding your paragraph concerning stem cells. It seems to be on a little lower level than the rest of the statement. I'm not sure how to go about changing it, though. I'll see if I think of any suggestions in the next few days. Very well written, could you write one for me, too?

As for a quote, I have one that fits your standards for science, knowledge and the like, but I don't think its the kind of message you want to send. Anyway, its one of my favorites (I've got it on my wall) from Einstein:

"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as judge in the field of truth and knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."

[centauri]

Heh, you managed to pick out the paragraph that I remembered at the last minute and sort of jammed in there. Stem cells are one of my greater interests (probably because they are getting so much media, but rightly so) and I would like to make that sound better. Perhaps bring it up to the level of the Ellison Project and protein folding. I will definitely look into it more this weekend with a fresh mind.

The only other thing I was thinking is that my conclusion is a bit brief. I don't think it's necessarily weak, just short.

And for the quote, I did run into that one in a few places. I like it a lot (as I do most of Einstein's quotes), but as you said, it doesn't send the right message for a statment of purpose.

Thanks for the input!

[luckyelephant]

The statement is good. I think at about the stem cell paragraph it switches tones (might want to look at that; as stated earlier). The other thing to look at is length; for my SOP letters I am limited to one page single spaced, this letter at 2.5 pages is a bit long, but might be necessary for your department(?).

Here are two of my favorite scientists w/ their quotes:

Natural science, does not simply describe and explain nature; it is part of the interplay between nature and ourselves.
Werner Heisenberg

What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning.
Werner Heisenberg

Experiments were not attempted at that time, we did not believe in the usefulness of the concept anyway, and I finished my thesis in 1962 with a feeling like an artist balancing on a high rope without any interested spectators.
Richard Ernst (Pioneered the use of 2D nmr enormously important for determining the structure of biological molecules.)

[centauri]

Looks like that stem cell paragraph is getting a lot of attention. I will definitely look into rewording it (to address the disjunct tone) and add some additional detail.

The requested length for the four departments varies a bit, but all are around 2 pages. I know it is a bit long as it is, and I'm going to have to cut some stuff out. Don't know what yet, but I will figure it out hopefully in the next draft. I agree that 2 pages is a bit long for a SoP in general, but given that I have to try and explain my change of majors in addition to the normal content, I am glad for the extra space.

And thanks for the quotes. That first one might work out. I like the quotes that I find that deal with science in relation to ourselves, particularly since I am going into human biology.

[lemerde]

I think (though I'm no expert on entering college) that this is a convincing statement, as everyone else has agreed. Demonstrating knowledge of what you're getting into and some true consideration of potential studies in the second half really clears away any doubt that you would be an excellent candidate. You'll do the department proud, for sure

[centauri]

In these applications I have two main challenges: 1) To show that I will be good at biology even though I've never really taken any biology at the college level, and 2) to show that I am committed to the change and to the new program (and that I do not just have ADD at the career level). The second is the more difficult of the two, and I haven't really found the best way to approach it yet. I like your suggestion of saying that I think I can have more impact in aging research than in engineering. And having a goal within our lifetime is actually one of my better arguments, especially coming from the fusion industry ("Fusion is about 30 years out, just like it has always been."). I have used it a number of times in fact, but forgot to add it into the paper. I'll do that.

Thanks!

[retronami]

Reading it, I believe you've really accomplished challenge number one. The idea that you'll be able to bring a rare perspective to the field is one that stuck with me as a very succinct point.

But I would agree with lemerde about the second challenge. When I first started reading this, I thought that same thing: If you lost interest in one, how can we be sure you won't again?

Honestly though, I think the point is that you just might lose interest again, but that doesn't necessarily devalue your current involvement with the project. This essay is good because you focus on what you can immediately bring to the community of scientists.

[centauri]

I've read a couple of those 'How to Write a Personal Statement' websites, and the general consensus seems to be that you should just avoid anything negative if possible. The point of this thing isn't that I've lost interest in engineering, but that I've found something that I will be better and enjoy more.

I should probably take lemerde's advice and just drop the whole bit about losing interest and approach it more form the angle that I discovered a new field. That will sound better in end anyway.

And about losing interest again... Heh, I guess anything is possible right? But if I did again I would probably just cut my losses and get a nice paying job and go on with my life. I would like to be into a career of some sort before I hit middle age :P. I don't see that happening in any case. I have always had somewhat of passion for life extension. And yes, it is selfishly motivated (at least partially), but I don't think anyone in the field can honestly claim otherwise.

Much thanks for the input :)!