The big update
Okay, here's the update:
It's 9 AM and I just got back from Molly's house. Fucking "A", dude...decent sex from a REDICULOUSLY HOT punker boidyke. Mmmm. AND we're compatable. The problem? I almost cried through it because of Sara. I have GOT to get over her, even though we're not even officially broken up. I can't go for a happy life if I'm pining for her.
The sollution? More of THIS. Who's next, biatches! I'm just getting warmed up. And lubed up.
I'm at the pit of it now. I told her today (i'm not answering my phone so we were texting...) that I cannot do this any more. That I believe in the cheesy adage, "If you love something set it free. If it doesn't return it was never yours to begin with." I told her I loved her so much that I had to let go, something she should have done for me if she truly loved me like she said she did. I can't date her, not after all we said and did. I can't go from committed to poly and be okay with that.
The sad thing is we really are in love. Big time. We've been through some of the most beautiful moments in my life. We understand one another in ways I'm positive nobody will ever know either of us. Those people you KNOW you were meant to be with. This is that.
THE KICKER: We split the Thanksgiving wishbone. It broke right down the center. I wonder what she wished for. I wonder if she wondered what I wished for.
She stared at me over and over today before she left. Each time we said goodbye I pushed my homework into my face so I could cry silently. And I could see her standing, staring at me in the doorway, silent, waiting for something. I don't know what. Asking her not to go? I wanted to. You know I did. But the saying...it says to wait and see if they come back.
And I know she won't. I said, earlier, "Why is your brow furrowed?" She said, "Oh, because I'm thinking a lot about a lot of things." That was the most we touched on the subject. We didn't talk about any of it. Imagine. Two hours of WTF. I told her I wasn't talking on the phone these days. She said, if she wanted to say hi and I didn't answer the phone was it okay to leave a message. Yeah. She asked/said, "See you later. See you again?"
I don't know what any of it means. I only know it's the most painful thing I've ever done in my life. Breaking up with someone is the most horrible thing to ever have to do, especially when the only problem you have in the relationship is each person's ability to define it as one thing or the other. It's a fucking tragedy. My heart has been split in a thousand places. A million.
I'm jumping into the bath with a bath bomb, a bottle of champagne (thanks Erin, even though you can't see this) and my homework. (Reading my professor's paper on New Criticism of Literature in order to do an assignment due on Tuesday, not that anyone cares.)
It's cold in here. My heart hurts unimaginably. Time to move on. Where's the pity fucks! Bring it on!
So, has this ever happened to you: You aren't prepared for someone to kiss you (and believe me, in this case I WAS NOT complaining) and realize practically too late that they are going in for the kiss and you have just enough time to make sure your lips are going to be in the general area and then you feel like you totally blew it??????? THEN, if THAT wasn't bad enough, I did some pathetic little shake and "whaaa???" dance afterwards and said....here it comes....wait for it.....I said, "Uhhh, thanks?!" I was spellbound and fucking retarded. FUCKING RETARDED! And I NEVER use that word in this context. But yeah, I'm retarded. Painfully so.
Okay, I've been rated extremely high as a kisser and fucker all my life. Really, I don't brag about myself often but where sensuality, sex, physicality, kissing, all that, is concerned, I fucking rock. But I totally feel like I just gave some sort of Napoleon Dynamite kiss or something. I just want to look in the mirror and say, "You're such an IDIOT." And that's funny because we had a Napoleon Dynamite conversation when we went out to coffee.
I will forever and perpetually smack my head over that one. Now I'm hoping it didn't suck so bad that I don't get a chance to show her how I REALLY kiss, but if not...well, at least I got to feel her, briefly, once, and despite my clumsiness, it was nice. When someone kisses me and I feel that shock run down my spine, I know I'm in trouble.
And yes, it's the girl I've been banging my head over whether or not she even liked me "like that." SO I guess that officially answers that conundrum.
I fucking give up....
So, Molly doesn't want to date me now. She was all, "We have so much in common, we should really see where this goes." And I was like, Yeah, Totally.
She's been ignoring me the last couple of days. Come to find out she thinks that because I just got out of a relationship I'm going to end up hurting her. She tells me this AFTER she fucks me, of course.
Um...reality check. I came...I saw...I loved...I got hurt...I got over it.
ENOUGH SAID...and no amount of telling her that changed her mind. Okay, fine. But still, that's pretty fucking stupid. THEN, she has the NERVE to say, "We should hang out!!!" WTF?
Really, I'm not sure what I'm doing with myself these days. I know I've been sitting here waiting for my 7 PM date and she's not here yet.
Breathe...I just want a little fun right now...no b.s. No people ignoring me. No people using me. Let's just get it out there.
"Hi, I'm Sara, wanna fuck?"
"Sure!"
"Wow, that was fun. Should we do it again?"
Option A: "Sure! But let's keep it friends with benefits."
Option B: "Sure! And let's see where this goes because you're rad."
Option C: "It was great, but I can't get into anything right now."
Is honesty up front so fucking hard?????
Something interesting happens when you start routing around in someone else's life/blog and realize a similarity is there that you didn't know existed.
I feel so disconnected to certain people in my life that I ache, yes ACHE, to be close to. People I see incredible pain and simultaneous light within and want to reach inside and smear it around and take a bit back with me.
I read the past. I read because I wanted to know her better. And I cried.
Anyway, I was working on this new poem. It was going to be used at the performance on the 11th but I fucking changed my mind. It sucks, and it sucks hard. I finished it the other night as a ray of sunshine came and sat down by me at Solstice. I was in a really shitty mood, to be sure. The poem reflects that. But it's just a lousy piece of work and as is characteristic of me, I'll share it with you now.
(untitled)
The beautiful collapse of reason-
It's that perfect moment when you act on the devil's secrets
Psst! Over here!
I've got your rebellion in carbonated doses
Pop top
heart drops
and I'm ready for disease
The beautiful collapse of reason-
What is the fucking reason
I'm here
Just to entertain you
I on the other hand, don't like
performance
high octane
I'll drink my oil with defect
The beautiful collapse of reason-
Tis the season to be
to be or not
Candy cane inflicting pain
Devil's red dragon
sliding down the chimney
into a ball of fire
ho-ho-ho'in' himself out
and me wishing I didn't believe in him
But that's what happens when you see
the beautiful collapse of reason
there are no reasons
and everything is beautiful
even death
It's 9 AM and I just got back from Molly's house. Fucking "A", dude...decent sex from a REDICULOUSLY HOT punker boidyke. Mmmm. AND we're compatable. The problem? I almost cried through it because of Sara. I have GOT to get over her, even though we're not even officially broken up. I can't go for a happy life if I'm pining for her.
The sollution? More of THIS. Who's next, biatches! I'm just getting warmed up. And lubed up.
I'm at the pit of it now. I told her today (i'm not answering my phone so we were texting...) that I cannot do this any more. That I believe in the cheesy adage, "If you love something set it free. If it doesn't return it was never yours to begin with." I told her I loved her so much that I had to let go, something she should have done for me if she truly loved me like she said she did. I can't date her, not after all we said and did. I can't go from committed to poly and be okay with that.
The sad thing is we really are in love. Big time. We've been through some of the most beautiful moments in my life. We understand one another in ways I'm positive nobody will ever know either of us. Those people you KNOW you were meant to be with. This is that.
THE KICKER: We split the Thanksgiving wishbone. It broke right down the center. I wonder what she wished for. I wonder if she wondered what I wished for.
She stared at me over and over today before she left. Each time we said goodbye I pushed my homework into my face so I could cry silently. And I could see her standing, staring at me in the doorway, silent, waiting for something. I don't know what. Asking her not to go? I wanted to. You know I did. But the saying...it says to wait and see if they come back.
And I know she won't. I said, earlier, "Why is your brow furrowed?" She said, "Oh, because I'm thinking a lot about a lot of things." That was the most we touched on the subject. We didn't talk about any of it. Imagine. Two hours of WTF. I told her I wasn't talking on the phone these days. She said, if she wanted to say hi and I didn't answer the phone was it okay to leave a message. Yeah. She asked/said, "See you later. See you again?"
I don't know what any of it means. I only know it's the most painful thing I've ever done in my life. Breaking up with someone is the most horrible thing to ever have to do, especially when the only problem you have in the relationship is each person's ability to define it as one thing or the other. It's a fucking tragedy. My heart has been split in a thousand places. A million.
I'm jumping into the bath with a bath bomb, a bottle of champagne (thanks Erin, even though you can't see this) and my homework. (Reading my professor's paper on New Criticism of Literature in order to do an assignment due on Tuesday, not that anyone cares.)
It's cold in here. My heart hurts unimaginably. Time to move on. Where's the pity fucks! Bring it on!
So, has this ever happened to you: You aren't prepared for someone to kiss you (and believe me, in this case I WAS NOT complaining) and realize practically too late that they are going in for the kiss and you have just enough time to make sure your lips are going to be in the general area and then you feel like you totally blew it??????? THEN, if THAT wasn't bad enough, I did some pathetic little shake and "whaaa???" dance afterwards and said....here it comes....wait for it.....I said, "Uhhh, thanks?!" I was spellbound and fucking retarded. FUCKING RETARDED! And I NEVER use that word in this context. But yeah, I'm retarded. Painfully so.
Okay, I've been rated extremely high as a kisser and fucker all my life. Really, I don't brag about myself often but where sensuality, sex, physicality, kissing, all that, is concerned, I fucking rock. But I totally feel like I just gave some sort of Napoleon Dynamite kiss or something. I just want to look in the mirror and say, "You're such an IDIOT." And that's funny because we had a Napoleon Dynamite conversation when we went out to coffee.
I will forever and perpetually smack my head over that one. Now I'm hoping it didn't suck so bad that I don't get a chance to show her how I REALLY kiss, but if not...well, at least I got to feel her, briefly, once, and despite my clumsiness, it was nice. When someone kisses me and I feel that shock run down my spine, I know I'm in trouble.
And yes, it's the girl I've been banging my head over whether or not she even liked me "like that." SO I guess that officially answers that conundrum.
I fucking give up....
So, Molly doesn't want to date me now. She was all, "We have so much in common, we should really see where this goes." And I was like, Yeah, Totally.
She's been ignoring me the last couple of days. Come to find out she thinks that because I just got out of a relationship I'm going to end up hurting her. She tells me this AFTER she fucks me, of course.
Um...reality check. I came...I saw...I loved...I got hurt...I got over it.
ENOUGH SAID...and no amount of telling her that changed her mind. Okay, fine. But still, that's pretty fucking stupid. THEN, she has the NERVE to say, "We should hang out!!!" WTF?
Really, I'm not sure what I'm doing with myself these days. I know I've been sitting here waiting for my 7 PM date and she's not here yet.
Breathe...I just want a little fun right now...no b.s. No people ignoring me. No people using me. Let's just get it out there.
"Hi, I'm Sara, wanna fuck?"
"Sure!"
"Wow, that was fun. Should we do it again?"
Option A: "Sure! But let's keep it friends with benefits."
Option B: "Sure! And let's see where this goes because you're rad."
Option C: "It was great, but I can't get into anything right now."
Is honesty up front so fucking hard?????
Something interesting happens when you start routing around in someone else's life/blog and realize a similarity is there that you didn't know existed.
I feel so disconnected to certain people in my life that I ache, yes ACHE, to be close to. People I see incredible pain and simultaneous light within and want to reach inside and smear it around and take a bit back with me.
I read the past. I read because I wanted to know her better. And I cried.
Anyway, I was working on this new poem. It was going to be used at the performance on the 11th but I fucking changed my mind. It sucks, and it sucks hard. I finished it the other night as a ray of sunshine came and sat down by me at Solstice. I was in a really shitty mood, to be sure. The poem reflects that. But it's just a lousy piece of work and as is characteristic of me, I'll share it with you now.
(untitled)
The beautiful collapse of reason-
It's that perfect moment when you act on the devil's secrets
Psst! Over here!
I've got your rebellion in carbonated doses
Pop top
heart drops
and I'm ready for disease
The beautiful collapse of reason-
What is the fucking reason
I'm here
Just to entertain you
I on the other hand, don't like
performance
high octane
I'll drink my oil with defect
The beautiful collapse of reason-
Tis the season to be
to be or not
Candy cane inflicting pain
Devil's red dragon
sliding down the chimney
into a ball of fire
ho-ho-ho'in' himself out
and me wishing I didn't believe in him
But that's what happens when you see
the beautiful collapse of reason
there are no reasons
and everything is beautiful
even death