(no subject)
-I'm still working on reading my 50 books for the year. Though I didn't get it done in the calendar year as I originally planned, I still think I can get it done by an actual year from when I first started reading, which I estimate to be around February 15th. I've read 44 books up to this point, so will need to get 6 more read by then. I already have the books lined up and like 4 or them are non-fiction, making it harder to accomplish. We'll see.
-I've started my new Atkins vegetarian diet today. Or at least, hopefully I did. I have to go the rest of the day without eating to have started it today. I'm already having the mental urges to go eat, but I'm going to do my damndest to not give in.
-Soon, I'll be sending out three letters. 1.)The first is a floppy disk of my book I'm sending to my friend Casey in california. I'm looking forward to her reading it since she's an engineer like me and the book has some science in it I'd like her feedback on. 2.)The second is to my fear factor friend. (When you rarely leave the house like me, and you have a pretty female friend who was on fear factor, by god you mention it.) I haven't seen her in over a year, and she surprised me by sending me a christmas present. The thing is though that it was a christian book. She knows I don't believe in her christian god and she was trying to spread the word to me, writing a 3 page letter in the front pages of the book. I wrote a nice letter back saying basically that I've been exactly where she is as far as being a die-hard christian, and that I came to realize I was deluding myself to see the world the way I want it to be instead of the way it is, regardless of my want. I'm not yet sure if I'm going to send it though. I wasn't harsh, but I was very logical and made a strong case, and part of me wonders how her hear-no-evil mentality when it comes to her religion will respond to that. 3.) The third is the one I'm most proud of. After three years of comic making at the best site on the net, I'm finally going to donate. I've been too poor to up till now, and am in fact too poor to now as well. But I took back a christmas present (a new desk chair that my aching back already weeps for) and got $40 I can send to the site creator, brad. What sucks is that a couple of days after I took the chair back and emailed brad and got his home address, somebody on the site said something to the effect of "Why don't you fucking donate already?" The guy's just young and dumb, like we all were, and unknowingly playing the power game (aka - I think it's right, so you should do it), but still it's annoying in that when I do donate, he or people there might think he strong-armed me into it. It's not true, both because, like I said, I'd already told brad I would finally be donating and gotten his address by that point, and also because I'm the kind of person that will verbally or physically bitch slap you rather than be strong-armed. But oh well, I can't control what people think.
-I'm using a new keyboard I got for christmas. It's cool in that it has something like 45 hot keys. And it allows me to mute and adjust volume from my keyboard which I haven't had for awhile. But there's a couple of things that suck. First, my alt-f4 to shut down a program isn't working anymore. So now I have to do alt-space-c, which is annoying. Second, F11 has a built-in hot key to bring up the Find Files program. Well, dammit, that means F11 is no longer working for full-screening my internet explorer windows. Then there's the thing where instead of the six keys of home, end, delete, insert, page up, page down, being in two rows of three columns, they're now annoyingly in three rows of two columns. I can't tell you how many times I've gone for end and hit page up. ARGL. On top of it all, there's a sleep button. No big deal except that my computer has always been such that if I press sleep, my computer crashes. That means that little key is just sitting there, waiting to be accidentally pressed in error and have all my open things go unsaved. *shiver* Since I like the features it has, I'll probably try to work with it and see if I can adjust some of the things. It doesn't look like there's a whole lot I can do through the program given, but I'll try to tweak it in the registry.
-I find myself being able to put myself in input mode more and more. (That being as good a name for it as anything else I suppose.) The trick is really to have as your main interest the thing that is going on outside of you. But what this thing is exactly is hard to describe. It's not what your sight sees, or your ears hear. Like I said before, it's really the context of what's happening. The interest of your subconscious mind is the context and your senses and thoughts and such work within that field to follow the flow. To follow the meaning. When this feeling of interest in context is applied to watching the face of another person, a sense of feeling what that person is feeling and considering what that person is considering overtakes me.
-I canceled today's appointment to see a therapist. I didn't think it would help so didn't feel like putting myself through the anxiety. The appointment that will help comes on February 4th. That's when I should be getting medicine. If it's a strong sedative, like I hope it will be, I think a large positive change will come over me and I'll become more aware. We'll see.