On rape and men (Oh yes, I'm going there)
Yes, we've hit one of those times. Something has been building, and it has to come out.
There is a point in discussions of rape, when the discussion turns from the particular to the systemic, when the idea that, for example, many cultures have a value system that makes men believe they are fundamentally entitled to women's bodies (or time or attention, but mostly bodies), when the exceptionism starts to come out. Say it with me, now: not all men are like that.
And of course, they're not. But you know what? Too damn many of you are, and too damn many of you can be in the right circumstances. And I'm not going to apologize for saying that.
And if that offends you, I would suggest you take it up with the women in Congo. Or the girls in the poorest parts of the rural south. Or the girl passed out at a frat house party. Or the women anywhere that the thin veneer of civilization is disrupted for even the briefest of times.
And I am sure that you, Guy Who Is Reading This, is That Guy. You're the guy who would never rape a girl passed out on your bed (who, for that matter, knows that such an act would be rape), or the woman in the village your battalion/troop/whatever is overrunning. You're the guy who wouldn't do such a thing even when his buddies were heckling him, telling him he's a fag and a pussy if he doesn't. Even more, you're the guy who would stop his frat brother from raping that girl, and get her home. You're the guy who would stop his comrades, or at least report them.
And to lose the sarcasm for a minute, I'm sure some of you are. Lord knows, I believe that of most of the men I am close to. Or at least, I desperately want to.
Now, here's my question: where the fuck are you?
Why aren't there more stories of "the guy who got me home when I was seriously drunk and my boyfriend wasn't looking out for me"? And even if the women are too embarrassed to tell them, don't tell me that if this were a common occurrence, that we wouldn't hear a dozen of them every time a Haidl, Nachreiner and Spann appeared in the news?
And yes, you probably have stories of a time when your girlfriend/friend/girl who was at your apartment was drunk and you didn't rape her. And you don't tell them because you don't think that's even a story. And it shouldn't be, but let me tell you: you should start telling them, because those 18-year-old boys who don't think they're bad guys sure aren't listening to us. Maybe they'll listen to you.
Because men raping women is systemic, and cultural, and yes it is the patriarchy and it is misogyny and it is men thinking they are entitled to women's bodies. "Well, what did she expect, getting drunk like that?" isn't salt in the wound, it is the foundation of the problem. The idea that if a woman is not actively preventing a man from sticking his penis into her (and even then, if she's an enemy), he is doing nothing wrong, and hey, who can blame him, IS THE PROBLEM.
One of the hardest things I learned from the discussions of racism is not that I have absorbed racist attitudes from my culture, but that under the right circumstances, those attitudes can become action. And no, I don't want a cookie: that's not a good thing. But as squirmy as that realization makes me, I like to think I have learned that objecting when POC point this out is kind of not the best response.
So I say to men everywhere: if statements like the ones I made above piss you off, try taking it up with the men who make it so. Either be That Guy, or shut up. If you do nothing else, let us name the problem for what it is without insisting we acknowledge you.
eta As most of the comments were on LJ, I forgot to edit here, but I am no longer accepting comments on this post. Comments will not be unscreened.
This entry was originally posted at http://cereta.dreamwidth.org/639712.html. If you can, please speak there.
have spoken there.
There is a point in discussions of rape, when the discussion turns from the particular to the systemic, when the idea that, for example, many cultures have a value system that makes men believe they are fundamentally entitled to women's bodies (or time or attention, but mostly bodies), when the exceptionism starts to come out. Say it with me, now: not all men are like that.
And of course, they're not. But you know what? Too damn many of you are, and too damn many of you can be in the right circumstances. And I'm not going to apologize for saying that.
And if that offends you, I would suggest you take it up with the women in Congo. Or the girls in the poorest parts of the rural south. Or the girl passed out at a frat house party. Or the women anywhere that the thin veneer of civilization is disrupted for even the briefest of times.
And I am sure that you, Guy Who Is Reading This, is That Guy. You're the guy who would never rape a girl passed out on your bed (who, for that matter, knows that such an act would be rape), or the woman in the village your battalion/troop/whatever is overrunning. You're the guy who wouldn't do such a thing even when his buddies were heckling him, telling him he's a fag and a pussy if he doesn't. Even more, you're the guy who would stop his frat brother from raping that girl, and get her home. You're the guy who would stop his comrades, or at least report them.
And to lose the sarcasm for a minute, I'm sure some of you are. Lord knows, I believe that of most of the men I am close to. Or at least, I desperately want to.
Now, here's my question: where the fuck are you?
Why aren't there more stories of "the guy who got me home when I was seriously drunk and my boyfriend wasn't looking out for me"? And even if the women are too embarrassed to tell them, don't tell me that if this were a common occurrence, that we wouldn't hear a dozen of them every time a Haidl, Nachreiner and Spann appeared in the news?
And yes, you probably have stories of a time when your girlfriend/friend/girl who was at your apartment was drunk and you didn't rape her. And you don't tell them because you don't think that's even a story. And it shouldn't be, but let me tell you: you should start telling them, because those 18-year-old boys who don't think they're bad guys sure aren't listening to us. Maybe they'll listen to you.
Because men raping women is systemic, and cultural, and yes it is the patriarchy and it is misogyny and it is men thinking they are entitled to women's bodies. "Well, what did she expect, getting drunk like that?" isn't salt in the wound, it is the foundation of the problem. The idea that if a woman is not actively preventing a man from sticking his penis into her (and even then, if she's an enemy), he is doing nothing wrong, and hey, who can blame him, IS THE PROBLEM.
One of the hardest things I learned from the discussions of racism is not that I have absorbed racist attitudes from my culture, but that under the right circumstances, those attitudes can become action. And no, I don't want a cookie: that's not a good thing. But as squirmy as that realization makes me, I like to think I have learned that objecting when POC point this out is kind of not the best response.
So I say to men everywhere: if statements like the ones I made above piss you off, try taking it up with the men who make it so. Either be That Guy, or shut up. If you do nothing else, let us name the problem for what it is without insisting we acknowledge you.
eta As most of the comments were on LJ, I forgot to edit here, but I am no longer accepting comments on this post. Comments will not be unscreened.
This entry was originally posted at http://cereta.dreamwidth.org/639712.html. If you can, please speak there.
have spoken there.