Intersect
Title: Intersect
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Yunho/Changmin
Fandom: DBSK/TVXQ/THSK
Genre: romance, drama, slight angst
Beta: the lovely vampcircus1
Disclaimer: Boys do not belong to me.
Summary: Sometimes, love is all about timing.
4.
The sky has already turned dark on Christmas Eve when Changmin reaches the train station. He is checking the schedule for the next available train when his phone rings.
‘Changmin?’ Yunho’s voice calls. There is noise in the background and Yunho is breathing heavily, as if trying to catch his breath.
‘Hyung?’ Changmin asks, and he feels himself flush excitedly, despite the cold and the snow. ‘Hyung I’m -‘
‘Changmin-ah!’ Yunho interrupts, his voice loud and animated, ‘Changmin-ah, I’ve just made the last train to Seoul!’
Changmin flattens himself against the wall, it’s suddenly harder to breathe, like there is too much air and he can’t take any of it in. The world is of blur of bright coloured lights in the distance, shining as brightly as the constellations in the night sky and just as far away. All he could hear was the joy in Yunho’s voice and the overbearing sound of his own heartbeat.
He falls in love just like that. Or maybe this is the point where he realises he’s fallen, because the more he thinks about it, the more he believes it was always meant to be Yunho. Only a few days of separation and Changmin can barely concentrate.
‘I’ll meet you at the station.’
***
1.
Three years, four months and three days before that night, Yunho clasps Changmin’s shoulders in their dressing room. His eyes are intense and shoulders stiff.
‘We can do this,’ he says.
Changmin is so ready to do this he feels like he may combust if they don’t get on stage in the next five minutes, he is so ready to do this he wants to just grab Yunho and -
- and hold him and tell him that they will be fine. He wants to hold Yunho and tell him that they will be fine because Yunho is stronger and even more amazing than he used to be and because Changmin has been right there training with him, he must have improved too. He wants to tell Yunho that he can stand his own ground now, that he can shoulder some of that responsibility if Yunho would just let him.
Hours later Yunho envelopes him in a hug so tight Changmin thinks he might lose feeling in his arms. He blinks hard at the moisture threatening to spill from his eyes and he thinks he feels Yunho mouthe the words Thank you into his neck. It’s too warm and his chest is too tight and when they finally pull apart Changmin feels dizzy and disorientated. Yunho laughs a little sheepishly.
‘Let’s go home.’
***
5.
‘I do, you know?’ Changmin says as he climbs out of the car after Yunho.
‘Huh?’ Yunho hums absentmindedly as they step into the apartment lobby.
‘During filming today…’
The elevator door opens.
‘What about it?’
‘I do… care about you, you know?’ Changmin chokes out.
Should I love you? He had asked in front of the camera.
Yunho turns towards him and Changmin is staring hard at the closed elevator doors. Then there is a chuckle and a hand ruffling his hair and Changmin feels his heart break.
‘Changminnie what…’ Yunho is laughing in earnest now. ‘Were you… were you worried that I wouldn’t know?’
Changmin glares at him.
Yunho’s large hands are cupping his face and there is a blinding smile directed straight at him.
‘I don’t need you to tell the nation on television to know that you care.’
Then he squishes Changmin’s cheeks, but Changmin’s chest is clenched too tightly to protest.
***
6.
‘I’m so lameee!’ Yunho slurs, he slams his glass on the table and Changmin winces.
‘I’m so lame, of course she wants to get married to some hot shot doctor, surgeon, whatever!’
Yunho is loud and swaying in his seat, while Changmin is at the edge of his own seat, ready to lean over and stop Yunho’s face from planting into the sizzling table top grill.
Yeah, Changmin thinks Yunho is probably the lamest person he knows, but he himself must be pretty lame to be sitting here, at 3am in the morning cooking meat when he isn’t even hungry. Yunho, on the other hand, seems content to drink his sorrows away and Changmin is glad that the owners of the restaurant are discrete and willing to cater them at odd hours.
'Well,' he says and pours himself a glass too, 'at least you still have me.'
Yunho’s eyes are unfocused as he squints at him, 'of course Changminnie. I'd go mad if I didn’t have you.'
It's sad, how Yunho's drunken words warm him more than winter coats or the heating in the restaurant. They stumble back to Changmin’s apartment. Yunho leans heavily on Changmin’s shoulder, his head falls onto Changmin’s chest and for one horrible moment Changmin is afraid that Yunho will be able to hear the pounding of his heart. Then Yunho is sliding against him and down towards the floor and Changmin goes down with him, pulled down by his weight. They fall into a heap on the floor.
‘It’s not fair,’ Yunho says. ‘I try my best, but I never get what I want.’
‘No,’ Changmin says, against Yunho’s temple and against the layer of hair covering his forehead, ‘you get what you want, then you don’t want it any more.’
Yunho’s eyes are heavy and unfocused and Changmin sighs. By the time he has dragged Yunho onto the bed in the spare room, Yunho is already snoring softly.
***
8.
Changmin dates pretty girls and then he dates demanding, annoying, clingy, possessive girls.
Yunho snatches the phone right out of his hands. It is still vibrating as Yunho’s fingers clench audibly around it.
‘Give it back!’ Changmin demands.
‘That is the fifth time this morning she has called,’ Yunho hisses, his voice is low and angry, ‘She is interfering with your work.’
‘That’s rich,’ Changmin smirks, ‘coming from someone who always spends his breaks texting his girlfriends.’
‘I’ve never let a relationship interfere with my work.’
‘Well, maybe you should!’ Changmin shouts.
Changmin grabs his elbow and tries to pry the phone out of Yunho’s hands. Changmin is taller, but Yunho is stronger and there is nothing gentle about the way they struggle. Yunho’s arm will bruise in a few hours and Changmin’s wrist is a little numb after Yunho ripped it away from the phone. Yunho turns and in an instant the phone flies out of his hands and crashes against the wooden floor. He will probably apologise tomorrow about how sorry he is for breaking Changmin’s phone, but Changmin wants him to be sorry today, and not just about the phone.
‘Who do you think you are, telling me what to do? If you’re worried about me and my relationships slowing you down, then maybe you should try working alone,’ Changmin tells him angry and cruel, ‘that should be no problem for you, right? Jung Yunho, perfect golden boy who just has to do the right thing every single bloody time!’
‘Not every time,’ Yunho snaps and suddenly Changmin’s back hits the wall and Yunho is pressing against him and covering his mouth with his own. Changmin’s hands claw at Yunho’s shoulders unsure whether to push him away or to pull him closer. There are fingers pulling at his hair and a tongue against his tongue and all Changmin can do is to hold his breath and let himself melt into the warm body against him.
As suddenly as Yunho had moved towards him, the next moment he is stepping back. Changmin’s eyes open to see a stricken expression on his face.
‘Oh god Changmin, I…’
‘Yunho, what -‘
Yunho shakes his head and clenches his fists and then he is at the door and putting on his shoes. Changmin rushes after him.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ he cries, angrily and he tries to grab Yunho’s arm, but he steps out of the way.
‘I’m sorry Changmin, I shouldn’t have done that.’
Yunho’s expression is blank and withdrawn; like he is speaking at a press conference and not to someone he has known for ten years and who he had just pinned against the wall. You coward, Changmin thinks bitterly and doesn’t stop Yunho from leaving.
Yunho avoids him. Or at least he tries to. It’s unfortunate for him that they work together practically every day and Yunho’s work ethics stop him from skipping on their schedule. He’s mostly quiet and avoids looking at Changmin when they are not recording and rushes off to trips away on his days off.
It’s so stupid and unbelievable that Changmin ambushes him as soon as he arrives back to Seoul.
‘Do you hate me?’ He asks, blocking the way to their dressing room.
Yunho’s eyes widen. ‘Of course not.’
‘Then don’t avoid me,’ Changmin says, it comes out softer than he intended, but it has the desired effect on Yunho. Yunho doesn’t avoid him, but it still takes them a month to get back to normal. Somewhere during that month Yunho stops taking phone calls in private. In a moment of weakness Changmin takes Yunho's phone when he is recording and checks the recent call log again. There is no call from him.
***
3.
They are in barely inside the hotel, tired and hungry when Yunho suddenly breaks into a smile.
‘Changmin-ah, how about we go exploring- ’
‘No,’ Changmin snaps and pushes Yunho into the elevator. ‘I’m going to sleep. My head hurts.’
He turns away before Yunho can pout at him.
Changmin collapses on the neatly made bed. Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees Yunho settling against the headboard of the second bed and opening his laptop. He closes his eyes to the sound of soft humming and the click of keys on the keyboard.
The room is dark when Changmin opens his eyes again. Yunho is not in the adjacent bed and Changmin panics for a moment before he notices a figure on the balcony. Yunho is taller in the dark, Changmin muses, at least he appears taller from Changmin’s position on the bed. Moonlight trickles from the starless sky, plays shadows on Yunho’s cheeks and bleaches his mussed hair. There is a glass in his hand and Changmin thinks he hears the soft clink of ice as Yunho stirs it absentmindedly.
He isn’t smiling, but neither does he look sad.
He looks lonely, Changmin thinks and feels something twist inside, something suspiciously like guilt.
The bed creaks as he moves, but before his feet even land on the floor, a cool breeze hits his face and Yunho is stepping through the sliding door and closing it behind him. He places the glass on the coffee table and walks towards the empty bed.
‘You should go back to sleep,’ he suggests, ‘We have a busy schedule tomorrow.’
‘You rarely drink,’ Changmin accuses, ‘You don’t even like drinking.’
‘You know I don’t like drinking with other people because I have poor tolerance.’
Changmin frowns, as he watches Yunho move, steps steady and firm, and wonders how true that statement remains. A hundred questions threaten to rise out of his mouth. Every one of them gets stuck in his throat when Yunho slips into his bed and turns away from Changmin.
In the morning Yunho sings in the shower and drips water all over the hotel bathroom. Changmin’s socks get ruined when he goes to brush his teeth, but all he can think about is Yunho drinking alone under the moonlight. He thinks about how it’s nearly Christmas and he hopes that Yunho will have no reason to drink alone again. He thinks about asking Yunho to spend Christmas with him.
When they finish packing, Yunho waits for him at the entrance of the hotel room, holding the door open like he always does, waiting for Changmin to complete his sweep of the room for anything accidentally left behind. Perhaps it is the way Yunho is balancing his bags and trying to hold the door at the same time, but a surge of warmth sweeps through him, so strongly he feels it in the way the tips of his fingers tingle.
***
7.
Yunho is helping Changmin with chopping vegetables when his phone rings. Changmin crinkles his nose at him when he wipes his hands on his apron. But instead of answering his phone in the kitchen, Yunho looks at his phone and then walks out.
The ringing continues until he hears the sound of the balcony doors sliding shut.
Changmin pauses in his chopping and listens to the silence in the room.
He always considered his relationship with Yunho somewhere between friendship and family. They were friends because they shared the same goals, beliefs; because they both enjoyed marathoning anime in the middle of the night, and because they have seen each other at their worst and still chose, everyday, to stand together. They were family because they shared meals and underwear (Changmin is still milking that story on every variety show) and even toothbrushes (that one time Yunho forgot to pack a toothbrush on an impromptu road trip). They grew up together and sometimes they barely tolerated each other, but when Changmin goes online shopping and sees something in Yunho’s colour, he adds it to his shopping chart.
It isn’t like they tell each other absolutely everything, but things like their whereabouts (when they are apart) and romantic relationships are never kept hidden from each other. He blames his curiosity, and his (barely admitted) jealousy for searching in Yunho’s jacket for his phone and for opening the call log when Yunho is in the bathroom. The last five consecutive calls were from the same number. Yoshida-san is what the caller id provides.
Changmin opens Yunho’s messages too. He reads two and then shoves the phone back into Yunho’s jacket.
Later that night, after Yunho leaves and the apartment is quiet and dark, Changmin calls the number taken from Yunho’s phone. A male voice answers and Changmin hangs up immediately.
***
9.
Yunho drops a chunk of rice on the floor.
Changmin stares, but before he could say anything, Yunho’s hands are in the air in a defensive gesture.
‘I’m cleaning it up, look I’m cleaning it up right now!’
Changmin hovers over him.
And then he blows. Months, years of anger blubbering to the surface, on top the unease of being in Japan again, of being in the country where Yunho probably first met him, of living together again each day and of being so close yet never close enough.
‘You… you’re so frustrating. I just can’t understand how someone so smart can be so stupid sometimes. You can’t even eat a meal without making a mess and I hate finding your socks under the couch or stuffed between the cushions when we’re here, but I hate not finding your socks anywhere when I’m home and sometimes I just really, really hate you -‘
‘Changmin,’ Yunho interrupts, hesitantly moving towards him. ‘I’m -‘
‘And I hate it when you apologise for things that aren’t even your fault. You’re so annoying and you talk too much when you’re happy or upset, but when you’re really upset you don’t talk to me at all.’
Yunho’s hand is on his shoulder now and Changmin slaps it away angrily.
‘I know about the guy you were seeing.’ He says and ignores the way Yunho’s expression freezes.
‘You’re a bloody liar because you said you love me, so why did you… ‘ his voice cracks embarrassingly, ‘why did you choose him?’
Yunho shakes his head. ‘It’s not like that Changmin. You made it clear that you didn’t want things to change. I was happy that you still wanted us to stay us, even if it meant I couldn’t have you the way I wanted to …’
‘Well I changed my mind,’ Changmin snaps, ‘I changed my mind and I’ve been trying to tell you for practically two years and now you don’t want me anymore and I just hate you so much I -‘
He shoves Yunho hard. Yunho stumbles and then shoves back and he’s right in Changmin’s face, arms crushing Changmin against him and everything becomes too warm, too suffocating. Changmin’s hands push desperately between them, trying to move away, until Yunho’s arms tighten around him and then there’s no room to move at all.
Yunho’s breath is warm against his ear, ‘I could never not want you.’
Changmin’s body sags. He leans against Yunho and they stay there until Yunho leads him into the bedroom and wraps himself around Changmin.
‘I’m so happy I don’t know what to do,’ Yunho tells him as soon as Changmin opens his eyes the next morning. Changmin smiles into his pillow.
***
2.
‘We did good,’ Yunho tells him the night of their comeback. They are curled up on the sofa. A movie is playing on the television, but Changmin’s mind is too excited, still too full of adrenaline to concentrate.
‘Yeah,’ Changmin says, and he can’t stop himself from grinning. He doesn’t think he has grinned so much in years.
Then his fingers are pried away and intertwined with warmer ones. Yunho is tugging at his hands and staring at him straight in the eye.
‘I love you,’ he says, confident and sincere.
And just like that, the feeling of walking on clouds that has stayed with him since their performance on stage clears instantly and leaves him disorientated. His throat dries and the silence feels almost painful.
Yunho’s fingers slip from his and Changmin lets them. A hand pats his head and Yunho is suddenly laughing, his eyes crinkling and voice cracking.
‘You know what I mean!’ he cries and then slaps Changmin hard on his shoulder, ‘you’re my adorable maknae. All mine now!’
‘You’re so weird, hyung,’ Changmin accuses.
When Yunho suggests they head to bed, Changmin doesn’t tell him that the movie hasn’t stopped playing. Changmin also doesn’t tell him that he has been watching Yunho for nearly 9 years now and that he could tell when Yunho’s smiles don’t reach his eyes.
The next morning, Changmin wakes up early and makes them breakfast. By the time Yunho stumbles slowing into the kitchen, the table is filled with soup, meat and side dishes. Changmin fills Yunho’s bowl with rice and places it in front of him at the table.
They eat quietly. When Yunho is half way through his rice, Changmin asks, ‘This is okay, isn’t it?’
Yunho opens his mouth and then closes it again when he sees Changmin’s serious expression. ‘Us, like this, it’s okay to stay like this, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah, it is,’ he says finally.
‘It’s just the two of us now, so if you don’t want to cook you’ll have to eat whatever I make, no complaints,’ Changmin tells him and tries hard to grin.
Yunho gives him a slow, small smile. It is sad and resigned and Changmin thinks for the first time that knowing each other so well is a double-edged sword.
‘Of course Changminnie. Anything you want.’
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Yunho/Changmin
Fandom: DBSK/TVXQ/THSK
Genre: romance, drama, slight angst
Beta: the lovely vampcircus1
Disclaimer: Boys do not belong to me.
Summary: Sometimes, love is all about timing.
4.
The sky has already turned dark on Christmas Eve when Changmin reaches the train station. He is checking the schedule for the next available train when his phone rings.
‘Changmin?’ Yunho’s voice calls. There is noise in the background and Yunho is breathing heavily, as if trying to catch his breath.
‘Hyung?’ Changmin asks, and he feels himself flush excitedly, despite the cold and the snow. ‘Hyung I’m -‘
‘Changmin-ah!’ Yunho interrupts, his voice loud and animated, ‘Changmin-ah, I’ve just made the last train to Seoul!’
Changmin flattens himself against the wall, it’s suddenly harder to breathe, like there is too much air and he can’t take any of it in. The world is of blur of bright coloured lights in the distance, shining as brightly as the constellations in the night sky and just as far away. All he could hear was the joy in Yunho’s voice and the overbearing sound of his own heartbeat.
He falls in love just like that. Or maybe this is the point where he realises he’s fallen, because the more he thinks about it, the more he believes it was always meant to be Yunho. Only a few days of separation and Changmin can barely concentrate.
‘I’ll meet you at the station.’
***
1.
Three years, four months and three days before that night, Yunho clasps Changmin’s shoulders in their dressing room. His eyes are intense and shoulders stiff.
‘We can do this,’ he says.
Changmin is so ready to do this he feels like he may combust if they don’t get on stage in the next five minutes, he is so ready to do this he wants to just grab Yunho and -
- and hold him and tell him that they will be fine. He wants to hold Yunho and tell him that they will be fine because Yunho is stronger and even more amazing than he used to be and because Changmin has been right there training with him, he must have improved too. He wants to tell Yunho that he can stand his own ground now, that he can shoulder some of that responsibility if Yunho would just let him.
Hours later Yunho envelopes him in a hug so tight Changmin thinks he might lose feeling in his arms. He blinks hard at the moisture threatening to spill from his eyes and he thinks he feels Yunho mouthe the words Thank you into his neck. It’s too warm and his chest is too tight and when they finally pull apart Changmin feels dizzy and disorientated. Yunho laughs a little sheepishly.
‘Let’s go home.’
***
5.
‘I do, you know?’ Changmin says as he climbs out of the car after Yunho.
‘Huh?’ Yunho hums absentmindedly as they step into the apartment lobby.
‘During filming today…’
The elevator door opens.
‘What about it?’
‘I do… care about you, you know?’ Changmin chokes out.
Should I love you? He had asked in front of the camera.
Yunho turns towards him and Changmin is staring hard at the closed elevator doors. Then there is a chuckle and a hand ruffling his hair and Changmin feels his heart break.
‘Changminnie what…’ Yunho is laughing in earnest now. ‘Were you… were you worried that I wouldn’t know?’
Changmin glares at him.
Yunho’s large hands are cupping his face and there is a blinding smile directed straight at him.
‘I don’t need you to tell the nation on television to know that you care.’
Then he squishes Changmin’s cheeks, but Changmin’s chest is clenched too tightly to protest.
***
6.
‘I’m so lameee!’ Yunho slurs, he slams his glass on the table and Changmin winces.
‘I’m so lame, of course she wants to get married to some hot shot doctor, surgeon, whatever!’
Yunho is loud and swaying in his seat, while Changmin is at the edge of his own seat, ready to lean over and stop Yunho’s face from planting into the sizzling table top grill.
Yeah, Changmin thinks Yunho is probably the lamest person he knows, but he himself must be pretty lame to be sitting here, at 3am in the morning cooking meat when he isn’t even hungry. Yunho, on the other hand, seems content to drink his sorrows away and Changmin is glad that the owners of the restaurant are discrete and willing to cater them at odd hours.
'Well,' he says and pours himself a glass too, 'at least you still have me.'
Yunho’s eyes are unfocused as he squints at him, 'of course Changminnie. I'd go mad if I didn’t have you.'
It's sad, how Yunho's drunken words warm him more than winter coats or the heating in the restaurant. They stumble back to Changmin’s apartment. Yunho leans heavily on Changmin’s shoulder, his head falls onto Changmin’s chest and for one horrible moment Changmin is afraid that Yunho will be able to hear the pounding of his heart. Then Yunho is sliding against him and down towards the floor and Changmin goes down with him, pulled down by his weight. They fall into a heap on the floor.
‘It’s not fair,’ Yunho says. ‘I try my best, but I never get what I want.’
‘No,’ Changmin says, against Yunho’s temple and against the layer of hair covering his forehead, ‘you get what you want, then you don’t want it any more.’
Yunho’s eyes are heavy and unfocused and Changmin sighs. By the time he has dragged Yunho onto the bed in the spare room, Yunho is already snoring softly.
***
8.
Changmin dates pretty girls and then he dates demanding, annoying, clingy, possessive girls.
Yunho snatches the phone right out of his hands. It is still vibrating as Yunho’s fingers clench audibly around it.
‘Give it back!’ Changmin demands.
‘That is the fifth time this morning she has called,’ Yunho hisses, his voice is low and angry, ‘She is interfering with your work.’
‘That’s rich,’ Changmin smirks, ‘coming from someone who always spends his breaks texting his girlfriends.’
‘I’ve never let a relationship interfere with my work.’
‘Well, maybe you should!’ Changmin shouts.
Changmin grabs his elbow and tries to pry the phone out of Yunho’s hands. Changmin is taller, but Yunho is stronger and there is nothing gentle about the way they struggle. Yunho’s arm will bruise in a few hours and Changmin’s wrist is a little numb after Yunho ripped it away from the phone. Yunho turns and in an instant the phone flies out of his hands and crashes against the wooden floor. He will probably apologise tomorrow about how sorry he is for breaking Changmin’s phone, but Changmin wants him to be sorry today, and not just about the phone.
‘Who do you think you are, telling me what to do? If you’re worried about me and my relationships slowing you down, then maybe you should try working alone,’ Changmin tells him angry and cruel, ‘that should be no problem for you, right? Jung Yunho, perfect golden boy who just has to do the right thing every single bloody time!’
‘Not every time,’ Yunho snaps and suddenly Changmin’s back hits the wall and Yunho is pressing against him and covering his mouth with his own. Changmin’s hands claw at Yunho’s shoulders unsure whether to push him away or to pull him closer. There are fingers pulling at his hair and a tongue against his tongue and all Changmin can do is to hold his breath and let himself melt into the warm body against him.
As suddenly as Yunho had moved towards him, the next moment he is stepping back. Changmin’s eyes open to see a stricken expression on his face.
‘Oh god Changmin, I…’
‘Yunho, what -‘
Yunho shakes his head and clenches his fists and then he is at the door and putting on his shoes. Changmin rushes after him.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ he cries, angrily and he tries to grab Yunho’s arm, but he steps out of the way.
‘I’m sorry Changmin, I shouldn’t have done that.’
Yunho’s expression is blank and withdrawn; like he is speaking at a press conference and not to someone he has known for ten years and who he had just pinned against the wall. You coward, Changmin thinks bitterly and doesn’t stop Yunho from leaving.
Yunho avoids him. Or at least he tries to. It’s unfortunate for him that they work together practically every day and Yunho’s work ethics stop him from skipping on their schedule. He’s mostly quiet and avoids looking at Changmin when they are not recording and rushes off to trips away on his days off.
It’s so stupid and unbelievable that Changmin ambushes him as soon as he arrives back to Seoul.
‘Do you hate me?’ He asks, blocking the way to their dressing room.
Yunho’s eyes widen. ‘Of course not.’
‘Then don’t avoid me,’ Changmin says, it comes out softer than he intended, but it has the desired effect on Yunho. Yunho doesn’t avoid him, but it still takes them a month to get back to normal. Somewhere during that month Yunho stops taking phone calls in private. In a moment of weakness Changmin takes Yunho's phone when he is recording and checks the recent call log again. There is no call from him.
***
3.
They are in barely inside the hotel, tired and hungry when Yunho suddenly breaks into a smile.
‘Changmin-ah, how about we go exploring- ’
‘No,’ Changmin snaps and pushes Yunho into the elevator. ‘I’m going to sleep. My head hurts.’
He turns away before Yunho can pout at him.
Changmin collapses on the neatly made bed. Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees Yunho settling against the headboard of the second bed and opening his laptop. He closes his eyes to the sound of soft humming and the click of keys on the keyboard.
The room is dark when Changmin opens his eyes again. Yunho is not in the adjacent bed and Changmin panics for a moment before he notices a figure on the balcony. Yunho is taller in the dark, Changmin muses, at least he appears taller from Changmin’s position on the bed. Moonlight trickles from the starless sky, plays shadows on Yunho’s cheeks and bleaches his mussed hair. There is a glass in his hand and Changmin thinks he hears the soft clink of ice as Yunho stirs it absentmindedly.
He isn’t smiling, but neither does he look sad.
He looks lonely, Changmin thinks and feels something twist inside, something suspiciously like guilt.
The bed creaks as he moves, but before his feet even land on the floor, a cool breeze hits his face and Yunho is stepping through the sliding door and closing it behind him. He places the glass on the coffee table and walks towards the empty bed.
‘You should go back to sleep,’ he suggests, ‘We have a busy schedule tomorrow.’
‘You rarely drink,’ Changmin accuses, ‘You don’t even like drinking.’
‘You know I don’t like drinking with other people because I have poor tolerance.’
Changmin frowns, as he watches Yunho move, steps steady and firm, and wonders how true that statement remains. A hundred questions threaten to rise out of his mouth. Every one of them gets stuck in his throat when Yunho slips into his bed and turns away from Changmin.
In the morning Yunho sings in the shower and drips water all over the hotel bathroom. Changmin’s socks get ruined when he goes to brush his teeth, but all he can think about is Yunho drinking alone under the moonlight. He thinks about how it’s nearly Christmas and he hopes that Yunho will have no reason to drink alone again. He thinks about asking Yunho to spend Christmas with him.
When they finish packing, Yunho waits for him at the entrance of the hotel room, holding the door open like he always does, waiting for Changmin to complete his sweep of the room for anything accidentally left behind. Perhaps it is the way Yunho is balancing his bags and trying to hold the door at the same time, but a surge of warmth sweeps through him, so strongly he feels it in the way the tips of his fingers tingle.
***
7.
Yunho is helping Changmin with chopping vegetables when his phone rings. Changmin crinkles his nose at him when he wipes his hands on his apron. But instead of answering his phone in the kitchen, Yunho looks at his phone and then walks out.
The ringing continues until he hears the sound of the balcony doors sliding shut.
Changmin pauses in his chopping and listens to the silence in the room.
He always considered his relationship with Yunho somewhere between friendship and family. They were friends because they shared the same goals, beliefs; because they both enjoyed marathoning anime in the middle of the night, and because they have seen each other at their worst and still chose, everyday, to stand together. They were family because they shared meals and underwear (Changmin is still milking that story on every variety show) and even toothbrushes (that one time Yunho forgot to pack a toothbrush on an impromptu road trip). They grew up together and sometimes they barely tolerated each other, but when Changmin goes online shopping and sees something in Yunho’s colour, he adds it to his shopping chart.
It isn’t like they tell each other absolutely everything, but things like their whereabouts (when they are apart) and romantic relationships are never kept hidden from each other. He blames his curiosity, and his (barely admitted) jealousy for searching in Yunho’s jacket for his phone and for opening the call log when Yunho is in the bathroom. The last five consecutive calls were from the same number. Yoshida-san is what the caller id provides.
Changmin opens Yunho’s messages too. He reads two and then shoves the phone back into Yunho’s jacket.
Later that night, after Yunho leaves and the apartment is quiet and dark, Changmin calls the number taken from Yunho’s phone. A male voice answers and Changmin hangs up immediately.
***
9.
Yunho drops a chunk of rice on the floor.
Changmin stares, but before he could say anything, Yunho’s hands are in the air in a defensive gesture.
‘I’m cleaning it up, look I’m cleaning it up right now!’
Changmin hovers over him.
And then he blows. Months, years of anger blubbering to the surface, on top the unease of being in Japan again, of being in the country where Yunho probably first met him, of living together again each day and of being so close yet never close enough.
‘You… you’re so frustrating. I just can’t understand how someone so smart can be so stupid sometimes. You can’t even eat a meal without making a mess and I hate finding your socks under the couch or stuffed between the cushions when we’re here, but I hate not finding your socks anywhere when I’m home and sometimes I just really, really hate you -‘
‘Changmin,’ Yunho interrupts, hesitantly moving towards him. ‘I’m -‘
‘And I hate it when you apologise for things that aren’t even your fault. You’re so annoying and you talk too much when you’re happy or upset, but when you’re really upset you don’t talk to me at all.’
Yunho’s hand is on his shoulder now and Changmin slaps it away angrily.
‘I know about the guy you were seeing.’ He says and ignores the way Yunho’s expression freezes.
‘You’re a bloody liar because you said you love me, so why did you… ‘ his voice cracks embarrassingly, ‘why did you choose him?’
Yunho shakes his head. ‘It’s not like that Changmin. You made it clear that you didn’t want things to change. I was happy that you still wanted us to stay us, even if it meant I couldn’t have you the way I wanted to …’
‘Well I changed my mind,’ Changmin snaps, ‘I changed my mind and I’ve been trying to tell you for practically two years and now you don’t want me anymore and I just hate you so much I -‘
He shoves Yunho hard. Yunho stumbles and then shoves back and he’s right in Changmin’s face, arms crushing Changmin against him and everything becomes too warm, too suffocating. Changmin’s hands push desperately between them, trying to move away, until Yunho’s arms tighten around him and then there’s no room to move at all.
Yunho’s breath is warm against his ear, ‘I could never not want you.’
Changmin’s body sags. He leans against Yunho and they stay there until Yunho leads him into the bedroom and wraps himself around Changmin.
‘I’m so happy I don’t know what to do,’ Yunho tells him as soon as Changmin opens his eyes the next morning. Changmin smiles into his pillow.
***
2.
‘We did good,’ Yunho tells him the night of their comeback. They are curled up on the sofa. A movie is playing on the television, but Changmin’s mind is too excited, still too full of adrenaline to concentrate.
‘Yeah,’ Changmin says, and he can’t stop himself from grinning. He doesn’t think he has grinned so much in years.
Then his fingers are pried away and intertwined with warmer ones. Yunho is tugging at his hands and staring at him straight in the eye.
‘I love you,’ he says, confident and sincere.
And just like that, the feeling of walking on clouds that has stayed with him since their performance on stage clears instantly and leaves him disorientated. His throat dries and the silence feels almost painful.
Yunho’s fingers slip from his and Changmin lets them. A hand pats his head and Yunho is suddenly laughing, his eyes crinkling and voice cracking.
‘You know what I mean!’ he cries and then slaps Changmin hard on his shoulder, ‘you’re my adorable maknae. All mine now!’
‘You’re so weird, hyung,’ Changmin accuses.
When Yunho suggests they head to bed, Changmin doesn’t tell him that the movie hasn’t stopped playing. Changmin also doesn’t tell him that he has been watching Yunho for nearly 9 years now and that he could tell when Yunho’s smiles don’t reach his eyes.
The next morning, Changmin wakes up early and makes them breakfast. By the time Yunho stumbles slowing into the kitchen, the table is filled with soup, meat and side dishes. Changmin fills Yunho’s bowl with rice and places it in front of him at the table.
They eat quietly. When Yunho is half way through his rice, Changmin asks, ‘This is okay, isn’t it?’
Yunho opens his mouth and then closes it again when he sees Changmin’s serious expression. ‘Us, like this, it’s okay to stay like this, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah, it is,’ he says finally.
‘It’s just the two of us now, so if you don’t want to cook you’ll have to eat whatever I make, no complaints,’ Changmin tells him and tries hard to grin.
Yunho gives him a slow, small smile. It is sad and resigned and Changmin thinks for the first time that knowing each other so well is a double-edged sword.
‘Of course Changminnie. Anything you want.’