Though I don't like you anymore- you lying, trying... waste of space.....

[chainofhabit]

I originally planned to stop posting to my journal, because I just- can not motivate myself to be here anymore. Most people on here get to see my freak outs in real time anyway, it makes Live Journal practically obsolete in my life, outside of checking up on the friends list of people I don't speak to so often

Comments

[deternot]

Oh my god, that is so awful. What an absolutely horrible thing to do to you. Just... holy crap, that is awful. I'm so sorry, Ed.

[chainofhabit]

I'm just- now that the emotional breakdowns over it have stopped... In complete shock. My mother knows that for the past six years I've taken off work the 28th and 29th because I'm not emotionally capable of dealing with bitchy customers on those days. Because my aunt died on the 29th.

So. She just felt the need to add the 27th to my list of days that make me lose the will to live? Yeah... Thanks, thanks for that. A whole lot. Really caring.

[deternot]

I mean... I don't really like saying bad things about people's parents, but from what I can tell she just... is not seemingly capable of even considering your feelings? At least right now when she is like this? Because, I mean, christ. What an awful, horrible thing to do to you.

[chainofhabit]

Yeah, I've defended my mother to anyone willing to listen my entire life...

This has seriously made me stop to re-evaluate things. I'm literally in a situation right now where I can not predict anything anyone in my family is capable of. I'm borderline afraid for my life, because my entire family seems incapable of remorse. Like, she did that- what the fuck is next?

I've spent my entire life telling myself she's a good person, she'd never do a, b or c. So for her to do one of the things I've brainwashed myself into believing she'd never do, I .... don't know where the fuck the line is anymore.

[anonymous]

[chainofhabit]

Sometimes you have to let go for the best interest of others. Regardless of your own feelings, if you're causing more damage than good, the responsible thing can be the most painful.

It's not something I would have been able to do myself, but they're probably taken care of better where they are now. Knowing that they could be happier- that's more important to me than anything else.

Which isn't to say I forgive her actions, but it's easier to live with them.

[anonymous]

[chainofhabit]

It realkly wasn't until recently that I realized how poorly I was taking ccare of them. My hours at work limited how much time I could dedicate to a proper thorough tank cleaning. A process that took hours.

And my mother's stranglehold on the snake's feeding, by constanty putting his feeding box where I couldn't get it, fighting me when I wanted it and telling me I could not feed him after I had a mouse thawing 12 hours- which wasted a mouse, every time. He simply wasn't being fed enough.

Driving to the store to get crickets for Kip was another struggle.

They deserve to be somewhere without these limitations. That's really all there is to it.