Someone paid for me to talk to people and it went well
Been a little while since I've posted here. Not that I haven't had things to say or to write about, I just honestly didn't get around to it.
I was invited to speak at a conference in Sydney run by Pride in Diversity, the organisation that helped me come out at work. It was their annual Pride in Practice convention where some of the biggest business leaders in the country, as well as all their human resources people and anyone involved in diversity, come together to discuss how best to increase LGBTI inclusion in the workplace. So they flew me up to Sydney for the day and I got to sit in on the panels and sessions of the last day of the conference. I originally thought they were inviting me to speak at one of the little breakout sessions, but no. Turns out I was to be on the last panel of the event, where everyone would be. No pressure!
The panel was called Lets Talk Gender. It was about truly understanding the term "gender diversity". Most of the time, you say gender diversity to someone and they expect it to mean equal representation between men and women. But what about everyone in between? The panel was made up of myself (a trans guy, if you haven't picked that up), JoAnne a trans woman, Roxanne/Bobby J a gender fluid person and Liz a cis woman from The Gender Centre who assists at workplaces in gender issues.
The moderator, who is the CEO of Pride in Diversity, asked JoAnne about her experience in the workplace as a man, and how that changed once she transitioned to a woman. It's not very often you get people who get to experience both sides of the coin. After JoAnne said her (very interesting) piece, the moderator asked me the same thing but reversed. It was a bit tricky because I haven't started to physically transition, where as JoAnne had been for two years. So I mentioned the things that changed at work, but said that I'm not quite sure if I'm treated as a man because I'm seen as one, or just because that's how I've asked to be treated. I was happy with what I had to say over all. It was strange to be flown all that way to speak for such a short time.
Anyway, I got an email Lin, from the woman at Pride In Diversity who came to my work to explain my transition to my coworkers in May, saying how great it was to meet her. And she had forwarded an email she'd received from one of the other attendees. They'd emailed her to pass on to me that they didn't think I'd be treated as a man just because I had asked to be. They had seen me around during the day and heard me speak and at no point did they question that I was male, or would have to ask to be treated as such. That really warmed my heart. I felt quite insecure on the day. Just before it was my time to speak I went into the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror, and all I saw looking back at me was the same old butch lesbian, wearing almost the same outfit as always, trying to be someone I'm not. But for that person to go out of their way to email Lin to make sure that was known, that's really something. Thank you, person. I think I might reply to them directly, that's a really lovely thing to say.
It's funny, all this thinking about "passing" as male. I don't want to feel like I'm pretending. I'm just expressing who I am. But sometimes I find myself hoping I've fooled people. Tricked them into thinking I'm a man. A real man. This stupid idea of "real man" versus what I am, it's toxic. I'm so close to starting hormone treatment. God willing, I'll start T on Friday. This Friday. Five days away. That's crazy. Think of how far I've come in 12 months. This time last year I was suicidal and desperate for an answer to why I felt like this, why I hated myself so much and why I couldn't see a future for myself. It's not like I didn't have anything to live for. I just didn't want to live as myself. Now I've found, or am heading towards, what I want from my life.
I've noticed myself commenting to J several times "that's okay, we don't have to rush, we have our whole lives". That's partially because I'm so god damn in love with J that I'm so excited we get to spend the rest of our lives doing the cool shit we do. But also because now when I gaze into the future, I can actually see myself in it. I can see me, doing whatever I'm doing, and I'm happy. And it makes me want to stick around to see it. To get there, to earn that happiness. Working through all of the bullshit floating around life right now suddenly seems worth it when I frame it as a man.
Speaking of J, things are going so well. Like, so ridiculously well. It's like we've fallen for each other again. We understand each other on a different level than we previously did. We both want to be better for each other, and for ourselves. And we're helping each other get there. We've found a new way to exist together. And not just in a way that is harmonious or causes the least friction. It's a way where we get to experience each other fully, and honestly, and without holding back even a little bit. We can call each other out, and forgive each other, and we're communicating better than ever. It took a fair amount of confusion and distress and fear, but we came out the other side clear as day. It's pretty amazing.
I'm lying in bed next to an exhausted J and an exhausted dog, with the fan on, the air con wafting through from the living room. The V8 Supercars are on TV. I'll watch some of the college football conference championships later when someone puts them online. And I'll keep on loving life. Cos it's not that hard to do these days.
I was invited to speak at a conference in Sydney run by Pride in Diversity, the organisation that helped me come out at work. It was their annual Pride in Practice convention where some of the biggest business leaders in the country, as well as all their human resources people and anyone involved in diversity, come together to discuss how best to increase LGBTI inclusion in the workplace. So they flew me up to Sydney for the day and I got to sit in on the panels and sessions of the last day of the conference. I originally thought they were inviting me to speak at one of the little breakout sessions, but no. Turns out I was to be on the last panel of the event, where everyone would be. No pressure!
The panel was called Lets Talk Gender. It was about truly understanding the term "gender diversity". Most of the time, you say gender diversity to someone and they expect it to mean equal representation between men and women. But what about everyone in between? The panel was made up of myself (a trans guy, if you haven't picked that up), JoAnne a trans woman, Roxanne/Bobby J a gender fluid person and Liz a cis woman from The Gender Centre who assists at workplaces in gender issues.
The moderator, who is the CEO of Pride in Diversity, asked JoAnne about her experience in the workplace as a man, and how that changed once she transitioned to a woman. It's not very often you get people who get to experience both sides of the coin. After JoAnne said her (very interesting) piece, the moderator asked me the same thing but reversed. It was a bit tricky because I haven't started to physically transition, where as JoAnne had been for two years. So I mentioned the things that changed at work, but said that I'm not quite sure if I'm treated as a man because I'm seen as one, or just because that's how I've asked to be treated. I was happy with what I had to say over all. It was strange to be flown all that way to speak for such a short time.
Anyway, I got an email Lin, from the woman at Pride In Diversity who came to my work to explain my transition to my coworkers in May, saying how great it was to meet her. And she had forwarded an email she'd received from one of the other attendees. They'd emailed her to pass on to me that they didn't think I'd be treated as a man just because I had asked to be. They had seen me around during the day and heard me speak and at no point did they question that I was male, or would have to ask to be treated as such. That really warmed my heart. I felt quite insecure on the day. Just before it was my time to speak I went into the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror, and all I saw looking back at me was the same old butch lesbian, wearing almost the same outfit as always, trying to be someone I'm not. But for that person to go out of their way to email Lin to make sure that was known, that's really something. Thank you, person. I think I might reply to them directly, that's a really lovely thing to say.
It's funny, all this thinking about "passing" as male. I don't want to feel like I'm pretending. I'm just expressing who I am. But sometimes I find myself hoping I've fooled people. Tricked them into thinking I'm a man. A real man. This stupid idea of "real man" versus what I am, it's toxic. I'm so close to starting hormone treatment. God willing, I'll start T on Friday. This Friday. Five days away. That's crazy. Think of how far I've come in 12 months. This time last year I was suicidal and desperate for an answer to why I felt like this, why I hated myself so much and why I couldn't see a future for myself. It's not like I didn't have anything to live for. I just didn't want to live as myself. Now I've found, or am heading towards, what I want from my life.
I've noticed myself commenting to J several times "that's okay, we don't have to rush, we have our whole lives". That's partially because I'm so god damn in love with J that I'm so excited we get to spend the rest of our lives doing the cool shit we do. But also because now when I gaze into the future, I can actually see myself in it. I can see me, doing whatever I'm doing, and I'm happy. And it makes me want to stick around to see it. To get there, to earn that happiness. Working through all of the bullshit floating around life right now suddenly seems worth it when I frame it as a man.
Speaking of J, things are going so well. Like, so ridiculously well. It's like we've fallen for each other again. We understand each other on a different level than we previously did. We both want to be better for each other, and for ourselves. And we're helping each other get there. We've found a new way to exist together. And not just in a way that is harmonious or causes the least friction. It's a way where we get to experience each other fully, and honestly, and without holding back even a little bit. We can call each other out, and forgive each other, and we're communicating better than ever. It took a fair amount of confusion and distress and fear, but we came out the other side clear as day. It's pretty amazing.
I'm lying in bed next to an exhausted J and an exhausted dog, with the fan on, the air con wafting through from the living room. The V8 Supercars are on TV. I'll watch some of the college football conference championships later when someone puts them online. And I'll keep on loving life. Cos it's not that hard to do these days.