(no subject)
I have created my own hell, driven by a need that apparently is born of my self destructive nature.
As I sat in work this morning (Yes, my second full day, third official day) I thought about how much I hate working. Which of course lead me into the process of trying to understand why.
What is it about the idea of work that really makes me so unhappy? I thought about the different jobs I have held in my life. How some of them really sucked and others didn’t.
What was the magical differential between these two points?
What is it about these two different places that makes one more sufferable than the other?
In my mind, I think it comes down to more than just the position itself.
When I think about the jobs I have had, the remembrance of them is always better than the period of time when they were happening.
However this is not a universal truth. I can remember jobs I hated as well that don’t have some kind of reminiscent effect to them.
As I walked to the snack room of my new office this morning, half in a daze from the fleeting effects of the desire to return to sleep, I realized something.
My life is empty. I have a routine that is the whole encompass of my existence.
I sit alone in my room for hours at a time, wasting the day in front of my computer.
Yes, I have chosen this path. It was something that I was driven to. Being away from my computer always makes me uncomfortable, unhappy… miserable.
And yet being there only makes me miserable, but in a comfortable, familiar way.
I can’t really explain it other than to say it must be some kind of extension of my anti social behavior.
I know… I know… I hear it all the time. “You’re not antisocial…”
Apparently because I do not display the classic traits of an antisocial personality that I need to come up with a new terminology as so the arm chair psychologists in the crowd will feel better.
Look, I don’t like most people. I choose to be solitary. I have repressed emotional responses, a dower state of mind, an almost complete lack of respect and function of most social conventions AND I tend to be reclusive. You tell me what that means if not a tendency to be antisocial?
I need to do more.
I am not saying that I plan on going out and joining a fucking choir or something, but I think the first step is really just to GET OUT.
I most likely will hate it for a while, but I really gotta force myself to simply leave my home.
Go to neighborhoods I like and walk around for a bit.
The exercise would definitely be needed as I am accumulating MOT (Mass Over Time for those non geeks out there)
There is a lot that I need to do in the way of taking care of myself and I have no idea if I have it in me to make it more than an exercise in typical fashion. Go gung ho for a week and then just let it slide.
It is too easy to not give a fuck about myself. I am so used to it.