[SGA/Blackadder] A Cunning Plan :: PG :: Gen :: 1/1
Title: A Cunning Plan
Author: chaletian
Fandom: SGA/Blackadder
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Summary: Edmund Blackadder’s latest incarnation is as an officer on Atlantis. Together with faithful companions Dr Percy Northumberland (botanist), Lieutenant George and their Athosian guide Baldrick, he performs acts of extreme bravery and gallantry thoughout the wilds of the Pegasus galaxy. In pursuit of a bit of rumpy-pumpy with the blonde and beautiful Laura Cadman, Blackadder conceives a cunning plan.
“I guess we can move on to this week’s offworld schedule,” said Major John Sheppard, flicking to the next page in his folder. “I’ll be heading out to P3X 667 with my team. Marsters, take P2K 435. Endicott, you’re down for a return trip to the peach tree world to finalise the-”
“Ah-huh,” interrupted Captain Edmund Blackadder with a cough, “loath as I am to contradict a senior officer, Major, perhaps it would be better if I took the peach tree world. It got a little bit dicey there, and an experienced hand might be best on the rudder of the expedition. So to speak.”
Sheppard frowned, and flipped through his notes. “Really? In your report you called it a ‘flopsy, blancmangey sort of a planet where worst catastrophe ever experienced was the day two village maidens decided to wear the same shade of turquoise on the same day, a bitter occasion that has echoed down the history of generations.’ I had you down for P7X 843. Apparently, Teyla says they test the mettle of any newcomers by making them kill the local predator - I thought that might be more up your street.”
Blackadder laughed dashingly. “Well, of course! There’s nothing I like better than tracking alien predators with a long-held desire to tear my feeble human body limb from limb for the entertainment of a bunch of cavemen with the worst sense of humour since a couple of parasitic worms thought ‘wouldn’t it be hilarious if we jumped into the bodies of two Egyptian teenagers and pretended to be gods!’ I fear, however, that I may have softened the truth of the peach tree planet. It was only due to some extraordinarily quick thinking on my part that Dr Northumberland was saved from having his head cut off to be used as an ornamental fountain. Very unstable society. Barking mad. We’ll take this one. They know not to mess with Edmund Blackadder.”
Sheppard shrugged. “Well, OK then.”
“Oh… just one more thing, Major,” said Blackadder. “I have a teeny tiny favour to ask…”
oOo
“So, these guys are likely to try killing us as soon as we arrive, and you need me to be ready to blow them up,” said Laura Cadman, raising an eyebrow at Blackadder.
“Just in case,” said Blackadder, with a winning smile.
Lt George looked confused. “I thought you said the peach tree people were flopsy blancmangey weirdos who…”
Blackadder punched him in the head. “Ha ha ha! Good one, Lt, good one! What he means to say,” he said to Cadman, “is that they are the sort of hardened warriors who would look a battalion of charging Jaffa in the eye and ask them to keep the noise down.”
“And sing beautiful hymns to tiny flowers,” said Percy wistfully.
“And sing beau… shut up, Perce!” He rolled exasperated eyes at Cadman, who looked back with stony indifference.
“Shall we?” she said, nodding towards the stargate.
“Of course, of course, of course, of course!” replied Blackadder jovially. “Peach tree planet, here we come!”
Pushing the Lieutenant and Percy ahead of him, Blackadder strode bravely through the event horizon. Cadman glanced across at Baldrick.
“So, Blackadder - is he always like that?”
"Yeah," said Baldrick.
"Thought so," said Cadman.
oOo
Six hours later, Elizabeth Weir was patting Blackadder sympathetically on the back.
“Don’t worry, Captain,” she said. “There was no way you could have known that today of all days was when they held their traditional marriage ceremonies.”
“Oh, absolutely,” said Blackadder. “No way at all. I mean, it’s not like they told me specifically when the marriage day would be the last time I was there, or anything.”
“Don’t sweat it, Blackadder,” added Sheppard. “We’ve all been there. I’ve married Teyla three times already.”
“Exactly,” said Weir.
“And it was bad luck about the consummation thing,” Sheppard went on. “But like Elizabeth says, you weren’t to know.”
“Quite,” said Blackadder. “It was all a total surprise. Especially the part where it turned out their ceremonial marriages were same sex.”
Sheppard patted him comfortingly. “At least Cadman was there to blow you and Baldrick out when the chieftain’s son decided he wanted a threesome.”
“Yes,” said Blackadder, attempting a sickly smile. “At least there was that.”
THE END
Author: chaletian
Fandom: SGA/Blackadder
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Summary: Edmund Blackadder’s latest incarnation is as an officer on Atlantis. Together with faithful companions Dr Percy Northumberland (botanist), Lieutenant George and their Athosian guide Baldrick, he performs acts of extreme bravery and gallantry thoughout the wilds of the Pegasus galaxy. In pursuit of a bit of rumpy-pumpy with the blonde and beautiful Laura Cadman, Blackadder conceives a cunning plan.
“I guess we can move on to this week’s offworld schedule,” said Major John Sheppard, flicking to the next page in his folder. “I’ll be heading out to P3X 667 with my team. Marsters, take P2K 435. Endicott, you’re down for a return trip to the peach tree world to finalise the-”
“Ah-huh,” interrupted Captain Edmund Blackadder with a cough, “loath as I am to contradict a senior officer, Major, perhaps it would be better if I took the peach tree world. It got a little bit dicey there, and an experienced hand might be best on the rudder of the expedition. So to speak.”
Sheppard frowned, and flipped through his notes. “Really? In your report you called it a ‘flopsy, blancmangey sort of a planet where worst catastrophe ever experienced was the day two village maidens decided to wear the same shade of turquoise on the same day, a bitter occasion that has echoed down the history of generations.’ I had you down for P7X 843. Apparently, Teyla says they test the mettle of any newcomers by making them kill the local predator - I thought that might be more up your street.”
Blackadder laughed dashingly. “Well, of course! There’s nothing I like better than tracking alien predators with a long-held desire to tear my feeble human body limb from limb for the entertainment of a bunch of cavemen with the worst sense of humour since a couple of parasitic worms thought ‘wouldn’t it be hilarious if we jumped into the bodies of two Egyptian teenagers and pretended to be gods!’ I fear, however, that I may have softened the truth of the peach tree planet. It was only due to some extraordinarily quick thinking on my part that Dr Northumberland was saved from having his head cut off to be used as an ornamental fountain. Very unstable society. Barking mad. We’ll take this one. They know not to mess with Edmund Blackadder.”
Sheppard shrugged. “Well, OK then.”
“Oh… just one more thing, Major,” said Blackadder. “I have a teeny tiny favour to ask…”
oOo
“So, these guys are likely to try killing us as soon as we arrive, and you need me to be ready to blow them up,” said Laura Cadman, raising an eyebrow at Blackadder.
“Just in case,” said Blackadder, with a winning smile.
Lt George looked confused. “I thought you said the peach tree people were flopsy blancmangey weirdos who…”
Blackadder punched him in the head. “Ha ha ha! Good one, Lt, good one! What he means to say,” he said to Cadman, “is that they are the sort of hardened warriors who would look a battalion of charging Jaffa in the eye and ask them to keep the noise down.”
“And sing beautiful hymns to tiny flowers,” said Percy wistfully.
“And sing beau… shut up, Perce!” He rolled exasperated eyes at Cadman, who looked back with stony indifference.
“Shall we?” she said, nodding towards the stargate.
“Of course, of course, of course, of course!” replied Blackadder jovially. “Peach tree planet, here we come!”
Pushing the Lieutenant and Percy ahead of him, Blackadder strode bravely through the event horizon. Cadman glanced across at Baldrick.
“So, Blackadder - is he always like that?”
"Yeah," said Baldrick.
"Thought so," said Cadman.
oOo
Six hours later, Elizabeth Weir was patting Blackadder sympathetically on the back.
“Don’t worry, Captain,” she said. “There was no way you could have known that today of all days was when they held their traditional marriage ceremonies.”
“Oh, absolutely,” said Blackadder. “No way at all. I mean, it’s not like they told me specifically when the marriage day would be the last time I was there, or anything.”
“Don’t sweat it, Blackadder,” added Sheppard. “We’ve all been there. I’ve married Teyla three times already.”
“Exactly,” said Weir.
“And it was bad luck about the consummation thing,” Sheppard went on. “But like Elizabeth says, you weren’t to know.”
“Quite,” said Blackadder. “It was all a total surprise. Especially the part where it turned out their ceremonial marriages were same sex.”
Sheppard patted him comfortingly. “At least Cadman was there to blow you and Baldrick out when the chieftain’s son decided he wanted a threesome.”
“Yes,” said Blackadder, attempting a sickly smile. “At least there was that.”
THE END