(no subject)
Broken
Author: Chameleon75
Rating: M
Characters: Sam and Dean Winchester (Dean POV)
Pairing: Dean/Sam
Word Count: 4790
Warnings: Dark, Slash, Wincest, Language, Dub-Con, First kiss, Violence, Torture
Spoilers: All Seasons including season six
Summary: Dean will do anything to keep Sammy from falling apart.
Disclaimer: I own nothing so don’t sue me! Just borrowing Eric’s boys and plan to return them mostly unharmed. I was inspired by Broken by Lifehouse.
Author’s Note: Italics are lyrics from Broken by Lifehouse. Title is from same song. Unbeta’ed all mistakes are my own. Reviews and critiques are welcome and appreciated.
*spn*
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
Usually his breathing starts to quicken; That’s how I know it’s going to be a really bad night. I can hear his breathing getting harsh and frantic. The rustling of the sheets alerts me to the mild thrashing of his limbs. Pitiful whimpers and nearly silent pleas accompany him on the way to hyperventilation. Those are my cues to pull back my sheets and slide into bed beside Sammy. Sometimes just my presence will derail the night terrors he experiences.
Tonight though, he freaks out as soon as I lay my hand on his shoulder. He lashes out at me, fighting with everything he has in him. Sam’s flailing fist connects with my jaw and a coppery twang floods my mouth. Despite the bloody lip, I lay my whole body over his whispering nonsense until he finally wakes up from hell.
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
that are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life
The dream root cocktail is on the bedside table daring me to drink it down and enter hell through Sammy’s head. He asked me not to enter his dreams, said I had mine own hell to deal with that I didn’t need his too. I am already dealing with his burden on a nightly basis. There are black circles under both of our eyes due to sleep deprivation. He has lost weight. His concentration and focus, which use to be laser sharp, now is non-existent. He hardly researches or reads and he loses his line of thought in the middle of conversations. I see little pieces of Sammy slowly drifting away.
The only way I know how to help is to enter his nightmares and help him face them. He is scared of what I will see inside his head. I am more scared of what I am seeing in the light of the day. I have to save him before I lose my brother completely to the darkness.
Deciding to forge ahead with my plan, I chug the nasty dream solution and lay down beside Sammy. As my eyes grow heavy, I grab his hand, thinking both of us might need a reminder that what we see is just a nightmare.
*Door1*
I am in the middle of a round room made up of stone walls and nine identical wooden doors. There is a single dirty light bulb in the middle and nothing else. I concentrate on white shoe polish and feel it in the palm of my hand. I walk forward to a door and mark it with a X. Taking a big breath, I open the door and step through.
I see Sammy splattered with gore. Entails and blood dripping from his hair and clothes. He is holding a body that is so cut up I can’t tell if it’s male or female. I slowly approach him while moving into his line of sight. He looks up from his bloody bundle and screams when he sees me.
“Shush Sammy, it’s me. I am really here buddy. You’re having a nightmare and I entered your head to help you get out. Come and take my hand and we will get out of here.” I whisper in my best ‘calm the little brother down’ voice.
“You are not real! I can’t do this again Lucifer. Not again. Pick another punishment I will not cut up my brother You Fucker! I refuse to pick up the knife. Fucking sadistic twisted sick bastard, you can cut me instead.” Sam screamed
I walk over to Sam and touch his arm. He twists away mumbling about tricks and not falling for it again. I squat beside him, hoping that giving him a little time will help him to realize that I am the real thing.
“Who is that Sam?”
“You know who it is asshole” He growls
“No Sam. I really don’t know, but if you don’t want to tell me that’s cool. Maybe you could put it down and take my hand and we could leave this room behind. I am real Sam. This is not. Let me help you”
“You shithead, don’t call Jess an ‘it’ ever fucking again. I will not stand for it from you. Why don’t you go torture Michael with your company for a while, I have had my fill” Sam begins to weep towards the end of his rant.
Now, I am really trying to be sensitive to him and his needs, which was never really my strong suit. Seeing him clutching a lifeless corpse to him and crying is stretching my patience to the limit. All I want is to get him out of here…Now! I grab his hand and force him to release her. I have to bodily pull him up and hold him against my chest.
“Shush…Sam. It’s okay. I am here now. It’s okay.” I arrange his head into my shoulder and slowly rock him while he cries. “Sam, I remember holding you like this when you were no more than five years old. You had nightmares back then. I would hear you get up to cry in the bathroom, trying so hard not to wake up Dad. I remember following you and holding you until the tears dried up. Do you remember that Sammy?” I feel him nod against my shoulder.
I take his hand, still covered in blood, and guide him to the door. I hope just getting to the round room will help him realize this is a not real. I open the door and as I step through I feel like he just fades from my grasp. Of course this couldn’t be that easy.
Once back in the round room, I imagine myself clean and get out the shoe polish. I mark the next door to the left and prepare to face another aspect of Sam’s hell.
*Door2*
Upon opening this door I am in a basement. I see wooden steps heading upstairs, beyond that there is a washer and dryer. The smell of dirty laundry and mildew is strong. I decide to take the stairs quietly. I imagine the demon knife in my hands and that makes me feel better than anything else has since entering this dream realm. Coming to the top of the stairs, I slowly open the door, noticing there is a kitchen beyond the doorway. I step through and continue to search out the house.
The downstairs is a tomb. No one is in sight. I approach the staircase leading to the second floor with the same caution. This quiet house is more disturbing to me than the last scene was. At least there I had Sam to focus on. As I reach the top of the stairs, I hear a voice talking so low I can’t make out what is being said. I track down the noises to a door; grip my knife tightly in my hand and barge in hoping for the element of surprise.
Before me is Sam, bound and gagged spread eagle on the bed. There are whip marks up and down his bloody back. Tears are running down his face. Dad is holding the whip ready to bring it down on his back once again. I charge the demon pretending to be my father and stab it through the heart with the knife. It lights up then collapses. I use the knife to cut the rope and gag off of Sam then drag him quickly through the house. He is so exhausted in this scene he doesn’t even question if I am real. I quickly go back to the foul smelling basement and go through the door into the round room. Once again, Sammy’s hand fades out before he makes it into the room with me.
*Door3*
More shoe polish on the next door and I open it. I want to get through these rooms as quickly as possible. I don’t think I will be able to bring Sam through the door until I reach the last one.
This scene is totally different than the rest have been. There is the smell of sulfur strong in the air and no one but Sam is here. He is chained to the wall and burning. I imagine a fire hose and quickly douse the flames consuming him. I hear the water sizzle as it hits his skin and the chains. His skin is covered in burns and his hair is gone. I don’t know what to do for his injuries so I wing it. After getting the locks picked, I think up a tub with cool water and help him into it. He is barely conscious. I roll the tub towards the door, more than ready to get this scene out of my sight.
*Door4*
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home
After marking the forth door, I step through to find myself inside a cheap motel room. It looked like any number of dingy, rundown rooms we have stayed in over the years. Matted brown carpet, lime green wallpaper and Sam in a king size bed fucking a woman doggy style. His hands are brutally gripping her waist and he is obviously using her for his own pleasure. On the other side of the bed was another Sam looking disturbed by the proceedings.
Crossing over to him without looking to closely at the bed was a feat only superman (or a totally awesome big brother) could have accomplished. Reaching the clothed Sam’s side I turn my back towards the bed and wait him out.
“I have never paid for sex before in my life” Sam said softly “How could I have used people in such a way? Even soulless I should have not done that just to get my rocks off. I…he we? is such as dickwad. He doesn’t care about his partner’s comfort or pleasure. Just violently takes what he wants.” Disgust is etched in his face.
“Sam, I know you feel responsible for what happened with RoboSam while you were in the pit, but you have to try and realize that a soul makes a huge difference. Without the thing that makes you…you how did you expect this dickhead to act. He had the tools but didn’t have the user’s guide Sam. You would never act that way. But everyone has the ability to.”
“What do you mean Dean?” Sam queried
“Okay, Sam. I was given the choice to save you or Adam from the pit. Without thought I picked you. If I was soulless, I might have weighed the consequences and maybe come up with a different choice. A soulless dickhead would have not cared enough to even be given the choice. He wouldn’t have saved either one of you. It should bother me that it was such an easy decision but…Sam. I will always pick you, regardless of who else could be saved. My soul would require I do whatever I can to save you.”
Sam looked stunned with my little speech and that was probably the most I have talked about feelings in ten years. I hate having these little lifetime moments but I will even resort to words and feelings to save Sam…although a gun is much quicker and less messy.
I held out my hand and motioned towards the door. This time he did not hesitate. We walked around RoboSam throwing money at the woman and walked out the door. His hand faded again but before it did his grip was tighter and I am marking this as a score.
*Door5*
Back in the round room again, I realize the next door will put me more than half done. I hope I can actually get Sam into this room with the ninth door but the only way to know for sure is to keep trudging through my brother’s deepest shame, disgust, fears and regrets.
This dream root shit should be sold as a recreational drug. I can see it now. ‘one drink and you can strip away all your loved ones secrets while tiptoeing through their dreamscapes’. Damn I hate this shit. I wouldn’t evade Sam’s head if it wasn’t so bad in the real world. I just know one night he will not wake up. He’s gonna be trapped forever inside his own mind without outside help.
Suck it up Dean and do the job. My internal little pep talk and reminder that this is probably the most important job I have ever taken on. I walk towards the fifth door and mark it, then open it up to face another aspect of Sam.
I am in Bobby’s basement, he is tied to a chair and RoboSam is holding a knife to his throat. My Sammy is screaming…
“He is not expendable you jackass! That man is like a father to me how could you even consider hurting him? I can’t believe somewhere buried inside me there is you. I would never hold Bobby at knifepoint like he doesn’t matter!” The anguish on Sammy’s face is hard to handle. I grab his shoulder and hug him.
“Sam. It’s okay. I stopped RoboDick before Bobby was hurt. I know you feel like your relationship with him is tainted now but it will heal. He is family and true he was spooked at first but he is getting over that too. He is like a father to both of us and that is exact why that soulless piece of shit wanted to use him. Bobby knows it’s not truly who you are Sam.”
I pull Sammy into the doorway since there is nothing else to do here except address the guilt he is feeling over the whole Bobby incident and try to haul him into the round room once again.
*Door6*
Of course he didn’t come all the way through with me. Can’t catch a break from the lifetime moments or the drama, I am getting sick and tired of this shit. Let’s get this over with.
Marching forward I mark door number six and step quickly into a dark smelly alley. It’s nighttime here and I see myself being held against a dumpster by a vampire. RoboSam has a curious expression and is watching me get turned into one of the creatures I have spent my life hunting. My Sam is on his knees begging for someone to stop the vamp. I squat down beside my brother and repeat myself hopefully for the last time.
“Sam, don’t let this guilt over this tear at you. I have forgiven you and I don’t blame you in any way for what happened that night.”
“Dean, I would never do that to you. You mean the world to me. I can’t see how even soulless I could allow you to suffer through that. I would I hurt myself over hurting you” Sam pleaded
“I know Sammy, I know” I haul him up and he starts to resist. “NO. Sam. This should not even be bothering you. But since it is I will lay it out. I forgive you…Again. I will keep telling you that until you get it through that girlish hair and sinks down into that giant brain of yours. I don’t hold you responsible for this. You have to forgive yourself; since I have already. Numerous times. Now let’s go!” I walk behind him and holding him by the shoulders I tell him to open the door. Maybe he will get into the room this time if I make him go first.
He attempts to take that first step then I get to actually see him fade out before my eyes. Taking a deep breath I return to the round room.
*Door7*
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
I am sick of seeing this room but I am relieved there are only three more doors to go. This emotional baggage is truly wearing on me but if this is what it takes to help Sam…Damn I always knew on the inside he was a giant girl. Walking slowly up to door seven I mark it and brace myself for what is on the other side.
This room is bare and Sammy is waiting in the middle of it. He smirks at me and informs me. “I have been waiting for you Dean”
He charges me. Dodging his rushed charge I spin around to keep him in my sights. “What the hell is this about Sam?!!”
“Well Dean, I am going to whip your ass. It’s because of you that I am broken. It’s your entire fault that all this shit went down like this. It was your boneheaded decision to deal with a demon to save me. As a result of your jacked up plan, I broke the final seal and released Lucifer. You are responsible for everything that happened after I was revived and now…I am kicking your ass for it.” He looked ready to lay into me and I decide to let him.
Standing still and allowing a fist to fly towards my face goes against every instinct I have. While repeating to myself, ‘This is just a dream, this is just a dream.’ Sam’s massive fist passes harmlessly through my jaw.
Releasing a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I look straight into Sam’s eyes and begin yet another heartfelt speech. Laying my soul bare for Sam to see is getting harder and harder to do with each door I pass.
“Sammy. This is a dream. You can’t actually whip my ass here. It’s not real. I understand your anger though. I know making that deal resulted in some serious consequences but if back in the situation again…I would save you regardless of the cost. You are my responsibility and have been ever since you were placed in my arms. I will always fight to bring you back Sammy. It’s just who I am.” I try my best to maintain eye contact so he can see the truth in my words.
He hangs his head and sighs. “I just get so mad at you sometimes Dean. If you would just think beyond my safety, but I am asking you to change something I don’t think you are capable of changing. I still feel like kicking your ass sometimes though.”
“Tell you what. Let’s walk through this door and get out of this nightmare then tomorrow if you want to try and take me on…we will spar. Ok?” I am so relieved to see his head nod. This time he surprises me and holds out a hand to me. I gladly take it and move towards the door.
*Door8*
When he fades once again I don’t stop just move right to door eight and mark it. I don’t know how long I have been in Sam’s head but I am getting a hinky feeling that time is running out. Throwing open the door hard enough for it to bang against the wall, I step through.
I see Sam sitting at a kitchen table looking at something. He has a fifth of whiskey beside him and a glass half full. His eyes are red rimmed and I can tell he has been crying. I walk over and slump into the hard chair while glancing at the object that has his attention. It appears to be a photo album with pictures of Mom, Dad, Ellen, Jo, Jess, Madison, Ash…to many to mention really but they all are deceased.
“Whatcha doing Sammy?” I ask since I don’t know how to handle this scene.
“Mourning the dead” He replies as if it should be obvious.
“Okay. Why in here and why now?”
“Dean, when else am I supposed to work through the grief? You refuse to talk about stuff like this. I have been burying these feelings for so long that now I have to do this when I am asleep.” He whispers “Go ahead and call me a girl. I don’t care.”
“No. You are right. I have problems talking about my feelings in the cold hard light of day. I just don’t like remembering the bad. But if you need to sort through this I will pick up some liquor, we will get drunk and remember the good times we had with our friends and loved ones. How does that sound?”
“Too good to be true actually, are you sure you want too?” Sam asked with the watery puppy dog eyes.
“Want and need are two separate things Sammy. I will do it because I think both of us Need to.” I answer as honestly as I can. I would personally rather beat myself with my own gun than do that but for him…I will. Who knows, it might not kill me.
*Door9*
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The last door is waiting for me. I have never been so happy to see a doorway as I am right now. Walking slowly up to the door I don’t even mark it. I just open it up to see Sam’s darkest secret.
I walk into a scene I never would have expected or dreamed up. I am in another cheap motel room and on the bed, I see myself brutally fucking Sam’s mouth. My cock is buried balls deep down his throat and I am telling him to ‘take it all’. There are tears leaking from the corners of his eyes and after too long I finally pull back. Sam is gasping for air but he doesn’t fight to get away.
I have seen enough. Tearing across the room I try to fling the sadistic version of myself off of my brother. Sammy sees me for the first time and screams. “NO. GET OUT OF MY HEAD NOW DEAN!” Panting and staring up at a ceiling, I realize I am on a bed with Sam holding his hand. I was thrown out of Sam’s dream by force. I hear Sam beside me panting. He releases my hand and rolls over to face the wall.
My mouth is dry and my pants are uncomfortably tight. I quickly make my way to the bathroom and try to compose myself. I can’t believe seeing that made me hard. It was brutal, disturbing and does he really see me like that? Controlling and inconsiderate? Does he see me as a LOVER? I start stripping out of my sweaty clothes because the shower is the only place to have a massive freak out. I need the time to consider how I am going to approach Sam on this subject.
Turning the water as hot as it will go I step under the spray. I grab the cheap soap and shampoo the motel supplies and lather up. Allowing my thoughts to float away for a little while, I autopilot my way through washing and rinsing off. My dick is still uncomfortably hard and leaking. Taking myself in hand, I picture a busty brunette on her knees giving me head. I start stroking and before I fully realize it. My slutty brunette has morphed into Sammy. Imagining him tenderly licking the head of my dick then slurping it down like it’s his favorite sucker has me spraying cum so hard I can barely see straight.
I don’t know what has shaken me more, the force of the orgasm or the image that got me there.
*spn*
With a towel wrapped around my waist I finally get the courage to come out of the bathroom. Sam is already up and moving around. He is gathering up dirty laundry and stuffing it in his duffle. I pick up my duffle and root around for some clean boxers and clothes. Sitting on the bed to get dress Sam ducks into the bathroom right as I go to remove the towel, quickly I get dressed while he is occupied.
I still have no idea what I am going to say to him when he comes out of there.
Before I have any chance to think on it longer the door swings open and he continues to avoid looking at me and picking up clothes. This is just stupid…one of us has to acknowledge the dreams.
“Sam…” I begin.
“No Dean. I don’t want to talk about anything. I appreciate what you tried to do for me. I am just packing up now and I will be on my way. I understand that you don’t want to be around me anymore. I just need a few more minutes then I will head out.”
My hands fist up, my face flushes, and my mind blanks out. I get up and without a sound grab his wrists and shove him up against the wall, forcing him to look at me.
“Who the fuck said you had to leave Sam? I didn’t. I am so tired of you assuming what is best for me. I just spent the night having lifetime moments, kicking a little ass when needed and talking to you more than I have anyone in my entire life. I don’t scare so easily Sam. Don’t you get it? I love you, you big jackass. I would do anything for you, even if it makes me uncomfortable.” I stop to draw a big breath. I am so mad at him for wanting to leave me again that I am trembling. I want to hit either him or the wall.
“Dean, I have wanted you for a long time…too long to remember really. It just was there for me. I know it’s sick, twisted not to mention illegal. I have tried running away from you, talking myself out of feeling that way, lots of sex with others. I just can’t escape those feelings. So rather than have you be uncomfortable around me and end up hating me for my perversion, I thought leaving would be the best option. Don’t you see? It would solve everything. You can find a nice woman to settle down with and I can try and forget about this…sickness.” Sam replies
Of the two of us, Sam is the thinker. I usually go with my instincts and gut feelings. It has served me well in the past and kept me alive more times than I could count. I trust my gut. But since he made such a logical argument I try to think for a few moments on what he has said. A nice woman, house, and maybe a kid or two verses no more hunting, no cheap motels and driving for endless hours…No Sam.
I am too old to learn new tricks and decide to trust my gut. I lean into my brother and gently place my lips over his. I don’t want to press him too hard or too fast. I just give him a nice little kiss on the lips. I pull back. Look him straight on. And reply to his logical well thought out plans. “Fuck that Sam. I will always pick you.”
He buries his head into my shoulder and I feel the tremors racking his body as he tries (in vain) not to cry. I gently wrap my arms around him, rocking slowly and whisper “shush Sammy, I am right here. Everything will work out, you will see. A good meal and some decent sleep will make everything better…”
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK