Meandering through the universe.
Kind of done with things again.
Yeah. So, just because there's some weird/unidentifiable/intense emotional response to someone, it doesn't mean that there's necessarily anything to be had of it. Check.
I still don't understand what I feel for R. It's really odd. Maybe it's something borne of desperation and hope. Given that's the first thing which now comes to mind, it seems viable.
Only, now I'm not sure that I'd even want to be in a relationship with him. He's so emotionally unavailable. Not that I'm any better, what with all the smoke and mirrors-things I do.
I do still kind of want to be friends with him, but even that has me a bit weirded out. Internal push-and-pull. There's the yes and the no, of it. I do want to, but right now, I really don't want to deal with him.
And as soon as I think that, there follows the thought that I do want to talk to him. Which is followed by the thought that I don't want to be in touch with him. Et cetera, etc.
I'm a bit turned off, by all that's happened. Put off by it, even.
Makes me want to close the door, and walk away.
While, at the same time, rationally speaking...I know that I really do get a lot out of interaction with him. And there comes the thought that it's not worth giving up on a friendship, just 'cause I've "had" him.
Disdain, disappointment, dismay, mild disgust.
And not derived from outright events, moreso as aftereffects.
I wanted more, he wasn't able to accomodate, and so the shut-off valve engaged.
I'm stuck on thinking over the idea of being emotionally damaged. As to whether that's something which does or should entirely preclude relational interaction on an emotional level.
Honestly, given the experiences I've had...and the realizations come to, in taking on new experiences after each...I can't say that foregoing additional experience is the key to resolving past discordance.
There've been a number of things which I hadn't been aware were ongoing issues until confronting them in a new situation, thereby becoming aware that they -were- problems lodged in the system as to be able to unjam them. Let it go.
There will always be that. Something more, deeper, which won't be dislodged until its crossed again, becoming known as a point of difficulty and inhibition.
On the other hand, I do keep manifest so many pains and hang-ups that it would be nearly impossible to sort through them all, readily. Or to by-pass them, perhaps.
Honestly, I think it's more a matter of his unwillingness to accept me, than anything. If he wanted to embrace me, connect with me...he could. He just doesn't want to.
He's so unemotional.
I don't know, but I wonder if that's why he won't. Because he'd definitely have to face his own emotions, in order to find that common ground with me...as mine are so prevalent.
But it's not a bad thing, that he won't. It's just what it is.
I'm slightly sorrowful of what I'd imagined could have been, but not too much so.
It's helped me see, a little more clearly, what to look for.
I want someone with understanding of themselves, and the capacity for understanding me...although the compulsion to do so, I'm questioning as to desirability.
It's nice to know that the person you're with 'gets you,' but it still doesn't translate to appreciation.
I know that, twice-over, now.
And with it being so prevalent--that drive to understand/analyze--it has in this case completely overwhelmed any appreciation which might have sprouted.
It's been a matter of understanding, as a means to find reason for dismissal.
Which, really, is the key to the type of understanding desired. Understanding as a means to deeper appreciation is what I want.
How wonderful is it, to see a person for all their pain, loneliness, angers, fears, uncertainties, and hang-ups, alongside their hopes, loves, dreams, aspirations, and motivation...to delve the mechanisms which build them unto themsevles, and furthermore will continue to shape their development unto fulfillment?
It's a beautiful thing, really. Watching the unfolding of a self, over time, as the unfurling of a flower, to the rays of the morning sun...and to be able to nourish that growth? That, I would love.
As to be similarly catered.
But...cold, calculated--wholly objective--understanding?
I suppose it does serve its purpose, and it has been beneficial. Just not nourishing.
Like watering a plant in a pot, and taking it away from the sun. It may grow, but it won't flourish.
So, yes...I want that sort of understanding which is supportive and uplifting. Not just deconstructive and outlining.
And without factoring emotion in, that's all there can be.
I can give that. I want to receive it, as well.
He wants someone to challenge him, to stand up against him. I think it's still the uncertainty speaking. Security doesn't require challenge, in order to be known secure. Growth need not have adversity, as to advance. Simply encouragement. Insecurity asks for tests, as to ascertain the boundaries, then to seek to build beyond them...rather than simply broadening per the natural course to scope.
If I am secure in me, why should I need anyone to question that? To counter it? Helping to pick apart fallacies in logic helps, yes...deconstructing to reinstate a more secure assembly...but that doesn't take contention. That takes patience. That asks attention.
Eh.
I think it's moreso a misguided way of saying that he wants someone who makes him think.
...and what-with all this other, of challenging oneself, then?
You can't damned well tell someone something they don't want to hear, regardless--people only assimilate what they want to, and are ready to, hear. It's a matter of comprehension ability. How can you comprehend something you can't conceive of? It takes time, it takes effort. It takes willingness and ability.
And what little I have told him, in reply to all of that which he's shared...he's been picking at endlessly, as to so haphazardly and mockingly throw it back in my face, days after the fact.
Why would I give him any more, then? Why would I tell him any more, if he doesn't want to listen?
Is it that he wants someone to force him into acquiescence? What is the pain in him, so deep, that he so much wants to be forced?...craves such subjugation?
There's almost room for subtext in our exchanges. It's like an empty reel track, that keeps playing aside of all the else. And I guess there's actually a few of them, there, come to think on it.
But nothing's done of it, yet.
I don't know him well enough, nor does he, me...despite what he's perceived to know.
Human beings aren't planar.
Unfortunately.
We aren't one dimensional expressions, in time and space. We're constantly shifting within ourselves, and further within, and within our surroundings, and within circumstances, and within space and time.
To assume that any momentary gauging is a finite reality of that self is doing injustice.
Even as it may be entirely accurate.
...really, it just depends upon the momentum.
Either way, though...as I said, I'm sad of it.
And the other bits listed...well, moreso, gauges of what I expect the relative experience to be.
Although, honestly, he's surprised me a bit before, as to his capacity for control.
Just...how much of it's control, and how much of it is complete disregard?
And...why the disconnect?
A million different universes converge on each one point, and for each, there's a possibility for progression. Yet, I don't know.
The momentum is there, something of an impetus for change. Just...will it be progress?
And I need to figure all else which I want.
Shopping list...so mundane. But I've learned from Visual Basic, if nothing else, with the way my mind works now...I have to write things out, to be able to conceive of them, more fully. And even here, it's a happenstance world. So many loose connections, they all seem flimsy. I'll have to flesh them out more fully, wondering and wandering toward whether I'll ever be able to string them so tightly as once I had.
Yeah. So, just because there's some weird/unidentifiable/intense emotional response to someone, it doesn't mean that there's necessarily anything to be had of it. Check.
I still don't understand what I feel for R. It's really odd. Maybe it's something borne of desperation and hope. Given that's the first thing which now comes to mind, it seems viable.
Only, now I'm not sure that I'd even want to be in a relationship with him. He's so emotionally unavailable. Not that I'm any better, what with all the smoke and mirrors-things I do.
I do still kind of want to be friends with him, but even that has me a bit weirded out. Internal push-and-pull. There's the yes and the no, of it. I do want to, but right now, I really don't want to deal with him.
And as soon as I think that, there follows the thought that I do want to talk to him. Which is followed by the thought that I don't want to be in touch with him. Et cetera, etc.
I'm a bit turned off, by all that's happened. Put off by it, even.
Makes me want to close the door, and walk away.
While, at the same time, rationally speaking...I know that I really do get a lot out of interaction with him. And there comes the thought that it's not worth giving up on a friendship, just 'cause I've "had" him.
Disdain, disappointment, dismay, mild disgust.
And not derived from outright events, moreso as aftereffects.
I wanted more, he wasn't able to accomodate, and so the shut-off valve engaged.
I'm stuck on thinking over the idea of being emotionally damaged. As to whether that's something which does or should entirely preclude relational interaction on an emotional level.
Honestly, given the experiences I've had...and the realizations come to, in taking on new experiences after each...I can't say that foregoing additional experience is the key to resolving past discordance.
There've been a number of things which I hadn't been aware were ongoing issues until confronting them in a new situation, thereby becoming aware that they -were- problems lodged in the system as to be able to unjam them. Let it go.
There will always be that. Something more, deeper, which won't be dislodged until its crossed again, becoming known as a point of difficulty and inhibition.
On the other hand, I do keep manifest so many pains and hang-ups that it would be nearly impossible to sort through them all, readily. Or to by-pass them, perhaps.
Honestly, I think it's more a matter of his unwillingness to accept me, than anything. If he wanted to embrace me, connect with me...he could. He just doesn't want to.
He's so unemotional.
I don't know, but I wonder if that's why he won't. Because he'd definitely have to face his own emotions, in order to find that common ground with me...as mine are so prevalent.
But it's not a bad thing, that he won't. It's just what it is.
I'm slightly sorrowful of what I'd imagined could have been, but not too much so.
It's helped me see, a little more clearly, what to look for.
I want someone with understanding of themselves, and the capacity for understanding me...although the compulsion to do so, I'm questioning as to desirability.
It's nice to know that the person you're with 'gets you,' but it still doesn't translate to appreciation.
I know that, twice-over, now.
And with it being so prevalent--that drive to understand/analyze--it has in this case completely overwhelmed any appreciation which might have sprouted.
It's been a matter of understanding, as a means to find reason for dismissal.
Which, really, is the key to the type of understanding desired. Understanding as a means to deeper appreciation is what I want.
How wonderful is it, to see a person for all their pain, loneliness, angers, fears, uncertainties, and hang-ups, alongside their hopes, loves, dreams, aspirations, and motivation...to delve the mechanisms which build them unto themsevles, and furthermore will continue to shape their development unto fulfillment?
It's a beautiful thing, really. Watching the unfolding of a self, over time, as the unfurling of a flower, to the rays of the morning sun...and to be able to nourish that growth? That, I would love.
As to be similarly catered.
But...cold, calculated--wholly objective--understanding?
I suppose it does serve its purpose, and it has been beneficial. Just not nourishing.
Like watering a plant in a pot, and taking it away from the sun. It may grow, but it won't flourish.
So, yes...I want that sort of understanding which is supportive and uplifting. Not just deconstructive and outlining.
And without factoring emotion in, that's all there can be.
I can give that. I want to receive it, as well.
He wants someone to challenge him, to stand up against him. I think it's still the uncertainty speaking. Security doesn't require challenge, in order to be known secure. Growth need not have adversity, as to advance. Simply encouragement. Insecurity asks for tests, as to ascertain the boundaries, then to seek to build beyond them...rather than simply broadening per the natural course to scope.
If I am secure in me, why should I need anyone to question that? To counter it? Helping to pick apart fallacies in logic helps, yes...deconstructing to reinstate a more secure assembly...but that doesn't take contention. That takes patience. That asks attention.
Eh.
I think it's moreso a misguided way of saying that he wants someone who makes him think.
...and what-with all this other, of challenging oneself, then?
You can't damned well tell someone something they don't want to hear, regardless--people only assimilate what they want to, and are ready to, hear. It's a matter of comprehension ability. How can you comprehend something you can't conceive of? It takes time, it takes effort. It takes willingness and ability.
And what little I have told him, in reply to all of that which he's shared...he's been picking at endlessly, as to so haphazardly and mockingly throw it back in my face, days after the fact.
Why would I give him any more, then? Why would I tell him any more, if he doesn't want to listen?
Is it that he wants someone to force him into acquiescence? What is the pain in him, so deep, that he so much wants to be forced?...craves such subjugation?
There's almost room for subtext in our exchanges. It's like an empty reel track, that keeps playing aside of all the else. And I guess there's actually a few of them, there, come to think on it.
But nothing's done of it, yet.
I don't know him well enough, nor does he, me...despite what he's perceived to know.
Human beings aren't planar.
Unfortunately.
We aren't one dimensional expressions, in time and space. We're constantly shifting within ourselves, and further within, and within our surroundings, and within circumstances, and within space and time.
To assume that any momentary gauging is a finite reality of that self is doing injustice.
Even as it may be entirely accurate.
...really, it just depends upon the momentum.
Either way, though...as I said, I'm sad of it.
And the other bits listed...well, moreso, gauges of what I expect the relative experience to be.
Although, honestly, he's surprised me a bit before, as to his capacity for control.
Just...how much of it's control, and how much of it is complete disregard?
And...why the disconnect?
A million different universes converge on each one point, and for each, there's a possibility for progression. Yet, I don't know.
The momentum is there, something of an impetus for change. Just...will it be progress?
And I need to figure all else which I want.
Shopping list...so mundane. But I've learned from Visual Basic, if nothing else, with the way my mind works now...I have to write things out, to be able to conceive of them, more fully. And even here, it's a happenstance world. So many loose connections, they all seem flimsy. I'll have to flesh them out more fully, wondering and wandering toward whether I'll ever be able to string them so tightly as once I had.