(no subject)
Yeah, good times.
I don't know whether there's any
...but I'm gladly not as much concerned, right now. Just still a bit spastic over being so flippin' floored by this, not having expected it. I really don't expect him to be interested in hanging out. He's busy as all hell, and he has so much else to distract. I know he's -interested- in me, for whatever reason...to whatever extent.
I'm just not sure if he's dealing with the same sort as I am, where it's kind of a matter of being taken wholly by surprise at the intensity of my attraction. I caught him looking at me, all night.
And have never seen him nervous on stage, but he was. Not the whole time, but it came and went, and back again. So, uh... yeah. Performance anxiety, hm?
Pretty words for such a simple uncertainty. I deal with that too. But I'd not dealt with it on stage, in quite some time. Slight nerves, but not as it was.
I -really- had a difficult time, at one point. And had to continually remind myself to just -be- okay. I was so excited about being there, with the possibilities for interaction rife. Just to be there, in the same area, was enough. And that's friggin creepy as hell. I am very displeased about it.
Not sure why...things...well..
..yeah.
I just...maybe I've never noticed it before? Maybe I hadn't been near enough, to note the discrepancies between overt attitude and minute action?
As far as the nerves go, on stage. I just...don't recall him ever being nervous up there. He's always relished it, or seemed to--wholly.
It just bothers me that I don't know how -he's- going to react. I guess that's the part where 'getting to know one another' should have been more a priority than just being completely straightforward about the things I'm feeling, given the lack of rationale for them. I'm just damned tired of having to give out disclaimers. Damned tired of having to explain myself, always, rather than just speak plainly without fear of censure.
And, with the way I feel now--for whatever reason, free and clear...I just don't give a damn about the disclaimers. I've still been edging them out there, around the things I've been saying--as a buffer, given that I feel so strongly about wanting to just converse...but...damnit, I didn't adhere to social convention.
I just put the shit out there. He does damned well fascinate me. Why should I not say so? I do really enjoy conversing with him, and am so curious about him--really want to just know more. Or not, it doesn't matter. I just enjoy spending time with...around. And why should I be ashamed of that? Even if I don't wholly understand it, myself, despite my attempts to do so--as outlayed here-abouts, yesterday.
He's enigmatic and utterly compelling, to me, for whatever reason. And, as far as I'm concerned--that's damned well enough of one. Why can't it be enough to do something because it feels right?
That, I think, is the great divide which separates me from most...perhaps. I'm thinking it may be, but I'm not sure.
At the end of the day, I do what I feel. As much to my chagrin as it is, in the planning phase of things...not knowing -why- the hell I'm doing something. Well...rephrase...*oft-times* -knowing- why, but having to accept that the reason/s goes/go against logic and probability. Like...Thursday morning.
Damnit.
That means this shit is all what I'm -supposed- to be doing. As to -be me-...-do what works for *me*-...
Can I just accept it, as that? That I've done what's needed to be done...what I ought have done, as to pursue my calling? Because, yeah...the ice finally cracked sometime in December, I think. Or maybe it was November. Broke all to hell, December, in any case...and it fairly well melted off in January.
I'm back. I'm free, for a least another while--until I submerge myself again, having turned down the thermostat to freezing. But, damnit--no fucking more of that.
I told it to Ari and to John, both, as I was talking to them about having regained a semblance of true connection to self again, at long last in this recent series of escapades (because that's what they truly are--god-blessed escapades, for amusement and distraction). We talked about clarity and how precious it is--how invaluable. And how damned difficult it can be to maintain a true connection with self, in this world.
Especially given the particular circumstances of our lives, as they've turned.
But, yes...that I'm tentatively concerned at my tendency toward forgoing clarity and self-realization for the sake of -trying- to *sigh* "fit in" again, for a while. But that I just can't damned well do it, and it gets more and more difficult to build the illusion for myself, the older I get/ that...now...finally coming back to the surface again, and relishing the light...I don't want to go under again. And I'm afraid I won't be able to refrain, should life completely devastate me again. ..
...and, in response to his email detailing how there are specific things he's looking for...marriage, kid...yeah...in response to my email..well, I don't know.
I'm just leaving the working draft here for now...gonna talk with Amber for a bit more.
All I know is what drives me to do what things I do, and beyond that, beyond knowing that for whatever reason (because I can't always figure them out, beforehand)...it's so much easier (less tormenting) to just accept the things I feel, even if I don't understand them. Which is why I moved to New Orleans, to Florida, finally decided on committing to pursuing the psychology degrees...and yeah, doing all the big things I've undertaken.
Just, at the end of the day, I'm really tired of fighting myself. And, yeah, I wish I could briefly explain why I feel the way I do, about life in general. That there's hope, and beauty, and joy--all the hippie-crap which people laughingly bemoan an open appreciation for...and that's, at the end of the day, a good part of what's important to me. I've just had, well, a lot of odd things happen, maybe, over the course of my life. Or maybe it's just that I see connections where others don't--I'm not really sure, right now.
But as strange a path as it takes me down, sometimes, I do try to follow my heart. And, even when I'm in revolt and attempting to do something else, out of spite of my own irrationality...it may last a while, but I end up coming back to just having to do what works for me. That whole not having a choice about being who and how I am, as it were.
I've tried to just not be -anything - time to time, or tried to just find solace in distractions from what felt true. But, I just can't
I don't know whether there's any
...but I'm gladly not as much concerned, right now. Just still a bit spastic over being so flippin' floored by this, not having expected it. I really don't expect him to be interested in hanging out. He's busy as all hell, and he has so much else to distract. I know he's -interested- in me, for whatever reason...to whatever extent.
I'm just not sure if he's dealing with the same sort as I am, where it's kind of a matter of being taken wholly by surprise at the intensity of my attraction. I caught him looking at me, all night.
And have never seen him nervous on stage, but he was. Not the whole time, but it came and went, and back again. So, uh... yeah. Performance anxiety, hm?
Pretty words for such a simple uncertainty. I deal with that too. But I'd not dealt with it on stage, in quite some time. Slight nerves, but not as it was.
I -really- had a difficult time, at one point. And had to continually remind myself to just -be- okay. I was so excited about being there, with the possibilities for interaction rife. Just to be there, in the same area, was enough. And that's friggin creepy as hell. I am very displeased about it.
Not sure why...things...well..
..yeah.
I just...maybe I've never noticed it before? Maybe I hadn't been near enough, to note the discrepancies between overt attitude and minute action?
As far as the nerves go, on stage. I just...don't recall him ever being nervous up there. He's always relished it, or seemed to--wholly.
It just bothers me that I don't know how -he's- going to react. I guess that's the part where 'getting to know one another' should have been more a priority than just being completely straightforward about the things I'm feeling, given the lack of rationale for them. I'm just damned tired of having to give out disclaimers. Damned tired of having to explain myself, always, rather than just speak plainly without fear of censure.
And, with the way I feel now--for whatever reason, free and clear...I just don't give a damn about the disclaimers. I've still been edging them out there, around the things I've been saying--as a buffer, given that I feel so strongly about wanting to just converse...but...damnit, I didn't adhere to social convention.
I just put the shit out there. He does damned well fascinate me. Why should I not say so? I do really enjoy conversing with him, and am so curious about him--really want to just know more. Or not, it doesn't matter. I just enjoy spending time with...around. And why should I be ashamed of that? Even if I don't wholly understand it, myself, despite my attempts to do so--as outlayed here-abouts, yesterday.
He's enigmatic and utterly compelling, to me, for whatever reason. And, as far as I'm concerned--that's damned well enough of one. Why can't it be enough to do something because it feels right?
That, I think, is the great divide which separates me from most...perhaps. I'm thinking it may be, but I'm not sure.
At the end of the day, I do what I feel. As much to my chagrin as it is, in the planning phase of things...not knowing -why- the hell I'm doing something. Well...rephrase...*oft-times* -knowing- why, but having to accept that the reason/s goes/go against logic and probability. Like...Thursday morning.
Damnit.
That means this shit is all what I'm -supposed- to be doing. As to -be me-...-do what works for *me*-...
Can I just accept it, as that? That I've done what's needed to be done...what I ought have done, as to pursue my calling? Because, yeah...the ice finally cracked sometime in December, I think. Or maybe it was November. Broke all to hell, December, in any case...and it fairly well melted off in January.
I'm back. I'm free, for a least another while--until I submerge myself again, having turned down the thermostat to freezing. But, damnit--no fucking more of that.
I told it to Ari and to John, both, as I was talking to them about having regained a semblance of true connection to self again, at long last in this recent series of escapades (because that's what they truly are--god-blessed escapades, for amusement and distraction). We talked about clarity and how precious it is--how invaluable. And how damned difficult it can be to maintain a true connection with self, in this world.
Especially given the particular circumstances of our lives, as they've turned.
But, yes...that I'm tentatively concerned at my tendency toward forgoing clarity and self-realization for the sake of -trying- to *sigh* "fit in" again, for a while. But that I just can't damned well do it, and it gets more and more difficult to build the illusion for myself, the older I get/ that...now...finally coming back to the surface again, and relishing the light...I don't want to go under again. And I'm afraid I won't be able to refrain, should life completely devastate me again. ..
...and, in response to his email detailing how there are specific things he's looking for...marriage, kid...yeah...in response to my email..well, I don't know.
I'm just leaving the working draft here for now...gonna talk with Amber for a bit more.
All I know is what drives me to do what things I do, and beyond that, beyond knowing that for whatever reason (because I can't always figure them out, beforehand)...it's so much easier (less tormenting) to just accept the things I feel, even if I don't understand them. Which is why I moved to New Orleans, to Florida, finally decided on committing to pursuing the psychology degrees...and yeah, doing all the big things I've undertaken.
Just, at the end of the day, I'm really tired of fighting myself. And, yeah, I wish I could briefly explain why I feel the way I do, about life in general. That there's hope, and beauty, and joy--all the hippie-crap which people laughingly bemoan an open appreciation for...and that's, at the end of the day, a good part of what's important to me. I've just had, well, a lot of odd things happen, maybe, over the course of my life. Or maybe it's just that I see connections where others don't--I'm not really sure, right now.
But as strange a path as it takes me down, sometimes, I do try to follow my heart. And, even when I'm in revolt and attempting to do something else, out of spite of my own irrationality...it may last a while, but I end up coming back to just having to do what works for me. That whole not having a choice about being who and how I am, as it were.
I've tried to just not be -anything - time to time, or tried to just find solace in distractions from what felt true. But, I just can't