Rainbows abide.
This has all been quite interesting...if
I definitely need to make sure previous posts are friends only. Well...some of them, perhaps. It's not -all- stuff I wouldn't want read by any random person.
Today's self-observation: I look terrible in baseball caps. Also...I'm kind of obsessed with the idea of love. (KIND of? Yeah...) Which I don't think it a bad thing. And I don't think it's abnormal, too much. Just..yeah.
It's somewhat an ineffable concept, despite a relatively sound understanding of the biological working and some bit of the sociological and psychological designs... ...the -experience- of it is what so fascinates.
No matter the nature of the exchange, it's as though it's always a new experience. Even being so very much the same. Then again, I've spent a good deal of time trying to get back to square one, on the whole, so I don't know that my experience of love, as such, would correlate with that of others, directly.
Eh. Whatevs.
Maybe it is always different...just as a factor of the difference in perspective, over time--always being a different person entering the experience--as well as of always being in the experience with a different person.
I have definitely been able to note a growth trend, which isn't surprising--this may only be the first I've remarked on it, here, outright. The defining traits and personality characteristics of those whom I've been enamoured of have decidedly seemed reflective of my own, at any given instance. As I've advanced in understanding and well-being, so has been the object of my affections.
I do love rather easily, though. And I have to wonder at why the particular men I've fallen for have been quite who they are. Especially given, in instance, that there were others (if not openly, then still subtly) seeking my attention, simultaneously. Again...seems mostly a factor of quite what my particular outlook was at each given instance.
You can tell so much about a person, just by how they sit or stand. And the more you see them, especially if given opportunity to interact, the more which can be ascertained...as tone, cadence, and word choice...in addition to a myriad of expressions, gestures, and other body language variables...are more readily observed in close quarters. And best understood, per a comprehensive survey, over time. I love reading people. But none moreso than those whom I feel an attraction to. And...yeah...maybe it's because I'm always recognizing some aspect of myself in them, reflectively and subconsciosly fascinated with the idea of understanding myself better through understanding the 'other.'
Eh. Some other time. I'm really too tired now to think coherently.
Last night was odd.
Completely. And largely of my own doing, as is the norm. Not that I purposefully intend these things, but...the tendency to go with momentary impulses, out of curiosity or excitement for the experience...yeah..tends to manifest novel situations. Which I absolutely love, of course.
But, yeah. Had decided I wanted a one-nighter. Because, heck...I graduated with a B.A. in Social Science, Magna Cum Laude, and all that happy shit, yesterday. So I wanted to do something I'd regret. Obviously. lol
...do something which would give a moment of comfort, moreover.
Despite the considerations of the week prior (or, perhaps, as mentioned to other friend earlier this evening...maybe as a self-test of my own resolve...like I do), I decided this course early in the evening. Without any resolve, really, but with a mind to being open to it and somewhat wanting it. Which generally manifests things, as it allows perspective to open to possibilities.
Well, yeah. So, fellow whose looks I've appreciated from a distance for weeks was out. Some odd bit of friendery with a friend of mine, but...yeah, I spoke with her shortly about it (*ahem*...bounded across the road as she was leaving at 4am, hopping in place and asking excitedly if it would be okay...to which she responded in amusement with an affirmative). Then, of course...because he was leaving simultaneously, with friends...I couldn't just...oh, be all calm and collected about shit.
No, of course not. At four am on a dark, suburban street, in a church parking lot...I fled to his car, yelling "Stop!"...to which -all three of the guys in the car- stopped moving and turned to stare at me as though in shock..(the -other- two guys...well, one had tried to kiss me in the kitchen an hour or so before this...no dice...the other had been trying to get me to dance with him for the entirety of the time we were both in attendance at party...again--no dice...so, yeah...given that I'd been heavily flirting with this one guy...and [oh, geez--WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME] discussing the possibility of hooking up with him with one of my friends, WHILE HE WAS WITHIN EARSHOT, YET WITHOUT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HIS PRESENCE...he was not averse, given willingness to converse, after this bit)...so, yeah. They ALL stopped moving.
At which point, smirking, I laughed and adopted a casual, refined demeanor...leaning onto the window frame, and asking him what he's doing later. Like, immediately, later.
Because "I don't have to be into work until 3:30pm...so, yeah," but implying it was an expiring offer, at that time.
(Dear Lord, I love being me...but sometimes it is utterly...mortifying and completely hilarious...in retrospect. Oh, geez.)
Anywho...to make long story short. I went to hang out with him. We watch anime, lying in his bed. He kisses me, and my thoughts immediately turn to missing other dude. Which completely killed all the barely mustered amount of desire for the event which I'd thus far been able to manage...and, really...just made me want to cry.
Which is complete shit.
Needless to say, I told him I couldn't do it. Tried to reorder my thoughts, kiss again...and still...couldn't do it. It was like I didn't even damned well feel it...like I was a sorrowful observer, only waiting for the scene to end. So, yeah...we stopped.
He was very nice about it. I felt like a complete ass. He reassured me that it was okay...that he'd been married, so he never expects sex. lol
So, yeah. All that.
And damned if I hadn't done what I could to imply, if very vaguely, what I was intending on doing...via text message to the dude who ended up in thoughts, given that he'd responded to invitation to house party and had short text exchange.
So, of course...being the completely irrational person I am...I did text him to let him know nothing untoward occurred, when I got up this morning. He said it was good. And it was.
Because I sure as hell don't need to add anything more onto the mass of emotional confusion which surrounds that bit of interaction, right now.
Is cool that I've gotten to hang out with him and the chic he's dating, without it being awkward--it's fun. Tuesday night was, and so was last night (was with them and other friend before leaving for house party). I really dig it.
So, screw whatever expectations there could be, and I'm letting hope float, undefined. It's good just to have more people in my life who are wonderful folks, regardless. I have no idea what sort of transformation these feeling-type things I have will go through, as time passes, but...heck, it's all good.
I'm just happy for the chance to have a new, thoroughly interesting friend. And chica's actually pretty awesome, too. I really wanted there to be reasons not to like her, but she's well-meaning and she does have a good sense of humor. So, is cool. Plus, she's nice to me. So that rocks. As awkward as it is for me, and as...ah, hell...painful...I really do hope to be able to come to know her as a friend. The more of those, the merrier.
Ah, this is but the sweetest burden, even bearing it alone! =)
I am happy. (Yay!)
I definitely need to make sure previous posts are friends only. Well...some of them, perhaps. It's not -all- stuff I wouldn't want read by any random person.
Today's self-observation: I look terrible in baseball caps. Also...I'm kind of obsessed with the idea of love. (KIND of? Yeah...) Which I don't think it a bad thing. And I don't think it's abnormal, too much. Just..yeah.
It's somewhat an ineffable concept, despite a relatively sound understanding of the biological working and some bit of the sociological and psychological designs... ...the -experience- of it is what so fascinates.
No matter the nature of the exchange, it's as though it's always a new experience. Even being so very much the same. Then again, I've spent a good deal of time trying to get back to square one, on the whole, so I don't know that my experience of love, as such, would correlate with that of others, directly.
Eh. Whatevs.
Maybe it is always different...just as a factor of the difference in perspective, over time--always being a different person entering the experience--as well as of always being in the experience with a different person.
I have definitely been able to note a growth trend, which isn't surprising--this may only be the first I've remarked on it, here, outright. The defining traits and personality characteristics of those whom I've been enamoured of have decidedly seemed reflective of my own, at any given instance. As I've advanced in understanding and well-being, so has been the object of my affections.
I do love rather easily, though. And I have to wonder at why the particular men I've fallen for have been quite who they are. Especially given, in instance, that there were others (if not openly, then still subtly) seeking my attention, simultaneously. Again...seems mostly a factor of quite what my particular outlook was at each given instance.
You can tell so much about a person, just by how they sit or stand. And the more you see them, especially if given opportunity to interact, the more which can be ascertained...as tone, cadence, and word choice...in addition to a myriad of expressions, gestures, and other body language variables...are more readily observed in close quarters. And best understood, per a comprehensive survey, over time. I love reading people. But none moreso than those whom I feel an attraction to. And...yeah...maybe it's because I'm always recognizing some aspect of myself in them, reflectively and subconsciosly fascinated with the idea of understanding myself better through understanding the 'other.'
Eh. Some other time. I'm really too tired now to think coherently.
Last night was odd.
Completely. And largely of my own doing, as is the norm. Not that I purposefully intend these things, but...the tendency to go with momentary impulses, out of curiosity or excitement for the experience...yeah..tends to manifest novel situations. Which I absolutely love, of course.
But, yeah. Had decided I wanted a one-nighter. Because, heck...I graduated with a B.A. in Social Science, Magna Cum Laude, and all that happy shit, yesterday. So I wanted to do something I'd regret. Obviously. lol
...do something which would give a moment of comfort, moreover.
Despite the considerations of the week prior (or, perhaps, as mentioned to other friend earlier this evening...maybe as a self-test of my own resolve...like I do), I decided this course early in the evening. Without any resolve, really, but with a mind to being open to it and somewhat wanting it. Which generally manifests things, as it allows perspective to open to possibilities.
Well, yeah. So, fellow whose looks I've appreciated from a distance for weeks was out. Some odd bit of friendery with a friend of mine, but...yeah, I spoke with her shortly about it (*ahem*...bounded across the road as she was leaving at 4am, hopping in place and asking excitedly if it would be okay...to which she responded in amusement with an affirmative). Then, of course...because he was leaving simultaneously, with friends...I couldn't just...oh, be all calm and collected about shit.
No, of course not. At four am on a dark, suburban street, in a church parking lot...I fled to his car, yelling "Stop!"...to which -all three of the guys in the car- stopped moving and turned to stare at me as though in shock..(the -other- two guys...well, one had tried to kiss me in the kitchen an hour or so before this...no dice...the other had been trying to get me to dance with him for the entirety of the time we were both in attendance at party...again--no dice...so, yeah...given that I'd been heavily flirting with this one guy...and [oh, geez--WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME] discussing the possibility of hooking up with him with one of my friends, WHILE HE WAS WITHIN EARSHOT, YET WITHOUT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HIS PRESENCE...he was not averse, given willingness to converse, after this bit)...so, yeah. They ALL stopped moving.
At which point, smirking, I laughed and adopted a casual, refined demeanor...leaning onto the window frame, and asking him what he's doing later. Like, immediately, later.
Because "I don't have to be into work until 3:30pm...so, yeah," but implying it was an expiring offer, at that time.
(Dear Lord, I love being me...but sometimes it is utterly...mortifying and completely hilarious...in retrospect. Oh, geez.)
Anywho...to make long story short. I went to hang out with him. We watch anime, lying in his bed. He kisses me, and my thoughts immediately turn to missing other dude. Which completely killed all the barely mustered amount of desire for the event which I'd thus far been able to manage...and, really...just made me want to cry.
Which is complete shit.
Needless to say, I told him I couldn't do it. Tried to reorder my thoughts, kiss again...and still...couldn't do it. It was like I didn't even damned well feel it...like I was a sorrowful observer, only waiting for the scene to end. So, yeah...we stopped.
He was very nice about it. I felt like a complete ass. He reassured me that it was okay...that he'd been married, so he never expects sex. lol
So, yeah. All that.
And damned if I hadn't done what I could to imply, if very vaguely, what I was intending on doing...via text message to the dude who ended up in thoughts, given that he'd responded to invitation to house party and had short text exchange.
So, of course...being the completely irrational person I am...I did text him to let him know nothing untoward occurred, when I got up this morning. He said it was good. And it was.
Because I sure as hell don't need to add anything more onto the mass of emotional confusion which surrounds that bit of interaction, right now.
Is cool that I've gotten to hang out with him and the chic he's dating, without it being awkward--it's fun. Tuesday night was, and so was last night (was with them and other friend before leaving for house party). I really dig it.
So, screw whatever expectations there could be, and I'm letting hope float, undefined. It's good just to have more people in my life who are wonderful folks, regardless. I have no idea what sort of transformation these feeling-type things I have will go through, as time passes, but...heck, it's all good.
I'm just happy for the chance to have a new, thoroughly interesting friend. And chica's actually pretty awesome, too. I really wanted there to be reasons not to like her, but she's well-meaning and she does have a good sense of humor. So, is cool. Plus, she's nice to me. So that rocks. As awkward as it is for me, and as...ah, hell...painful...I really do hope to be able to come to know her as a friend. The more of those, the merrier.
Ah, this is but the sweetest burden, even bearing it alone! =)
I am happy. (Yay!)